Conference bookie::movies

    
    Silenced guns:  Real silenced guns are still very loud.  Maybe someone
    200 feet away won't notice - if there's lots of background noise.
    
    Real Guns:  Real guns are LOUD!  Especially the magnums - hearing one
    go off can damage your hearing permanently.  In enclosed areas, the
    effect is much worse.  If the gunfights shown in most movies really
    happened, the witty dialog would consist of phrases like "Huh?",
    "What?", and "Say again?".
    
    Heros never lock their cars.  Most of them leave their keys in the
    ignition so that they can take off faaaaaast.
    
    Nobody in the movies ever watches TV unless a monster/goon/hitman is
    about to kill them.
    
    

    And nobody *ever* says goodbye before hanging up the telephone.
    
    Jodi-

    I was in college partying at a spooky park called Vedawoo, spirit of
    the rocks.  We were climbing around and drinking and suddenly one of
    the partiers was missing... we called and called but he did not answer. 
    It was getting dark.  
    
    So one of the guys said, "You girls go back to camp, and the rest of us
    will split up and try to find Mike!" 
    
    I said, "You are crazy.  People do that in horror movies all the time
    and they get slaughtered."  Everyone looked at me like *I* was crazy. 
    I picked up a big stick and said grimly, "There's always one survivor,
    and it's gonna be me."
    
    True story.  No monster ate anybody, Mike had stopped to take a
    bathroom break and passed out.  But *I* was prepared.  Do people really
    do things that stupid in real life!  They do!
    
    Bonnie
    (my one funny story, tah dah)

    Women who watch the men walk away into danger and say: 
    
    "Be careful."
    
    [Can't, at the moment, think of one where this *doesn't* happen.
    Although, in Aliens, Sigourney Weaver does rescue Michael Biehn and then
    leaves him safely on board the spaceship while she heads back into the
    complex to rescue the little girl.]
    
    
    Villains who zap all the subsidiary characters without a moment's
    hesitation, but *always* take their time when the hero's lying
    helplessly in front of them. And then, what a surprise, the hero
    *beats* them.
    
    [This doesn't happen at the end of Manhunter. The murderer doesn't
    hesitate for a second: he only gets shot because the cop managed to move
    just that little bit faster.
    
    And it doesn't happen in The Last of the Mohicans.]
    
    
    Policemen who shoot up half the neighbourhood, leave bodies everywhere,
    and then either stand around making wisecracks or are seen fully armed
    and back at work the next day.
    
    [This does not happen to Jamie Lee Curtis in Blue Steel.]
    
    
    Nick                  
    

    
    When computers break down, smoke and flames come out of the keyboard.
    
    Poul
    

    
    Guns:
    
    	And of course the Bruce W./Arnold S./Sly S. law of limitless
    ammunition.
    
    	And when one of the subsidiary characters gets shot, they say 'Go
    on without me!  I'm a goner, anyways!!'  In my limited interaction with
    humans, it's evident that the more likely response would be 'Hey!! 
    Where the H_ll are you going?!??  Get back here and *carry* me, you
    scum!!"
    
    Bad guys:
    
    	I used to love the old batman series :
    
    Joker ( to Catwoman ) - "OK, we have the caped crusaders right where we
    want them!  Should we just shoot 'em, or suspend them precariously over
    this huge vat of boiling acid?"  
    
    	I think I just liked the fact that at seven years old, I could make
    better decisions than these criminal masterminds :-)
    
    					- Jim
    

    
    In the future, none of the sophisticated electronic devices are equipped
    with fuses.  That's why those control panels are always blowing up.
    
    Star Trek Physics:
    
    Besides the obvious no sound in space, momentum works kinda strange.
    Remember those scenes when the Enterprize is going warp 8 and they
    do a sharp turn?  Everyone leans a bit during the turn.  In real life
    they'd be scraping them off the walls.
    
    Most future electronic devices can be fixed by touching them with a
    tool that generates lots of sparks.  Could be related to the lack of
    fuses...
    

	The thing that annoys me is that in the movies whenever somebody
	phones someone else they always answer within about 2 seconds 
	maximum - anything beyond that and the character declares that they
	are not home and puts the phone down

	Whereas me - I'm always on the throne, in the shower or at the
	bottom of the garden when the phone rings.

	Another thing which happens in real life as well and in the 
	movies.

	Have you ever found yourself talking to the phone as you sprint
	across the room to answer it? Generally something like - "Alright,
	alright I'll be there in a minute" etc. or is it just me? Same
	for the front door - shouting "Coming" when there's no way the
	person is going to be able to hear you.

		Paul

    My one pet peeve of movies is the man is locked in hand-to-hand combat
    with some miscreant, and all the woman can do is huddle in the corner,
    crying or saying helpful phrases like "Be careful" (see also previous
    comment on this phrases). Admittedly, in some movies, she manages to 
    pick up a lamp (yes, almost always a lamp), and bash the bad guy over
    the head. 
    
    Don't these people have hammers in the house? A good blow on the head,
    or a kneecap would do it, just ask Tonya Harding :^)
    
    
    Marilyn

	Re .6
    
>    	And when one of the subsidiary characters gets shot, they say 'Go
>    on without me!  I'm a goner, anyways!!'  In my limited interaction with
>    humans, it's evident that the more likely response would be 'Hey!! 
>    Where the H_ll are you going?!??  Get back here and *carry* me, you
>    scum!!"
    
	Happens in "Action Force Z" a war movie with John Philip Law,
	Mel Gibson and Sam Neill. Secret missions group is dropped off
	in enemy territory and one of the group is shot in the leg and
	unable to continue. That's ok, they say, have a cigarette and
	we'll collect you on the way back. That's when it becomes real.
	As they can't take a chance on the guy talking if captured,
	and he can't go with them, as he's smoking the cigarette, he
	is shot in the head...  

	Now THAT's different...

    
    
    I originally noticed this as far back as 1970 when I went to see El
    Condor (Jim Brown, Lee Van Cleef). Simply put, it's this:
    
    The more 'bad guys' you kill, the more there are to kill. 
    
    I've noticed it in such films as Rambo, Assault on Precinct 13,
    westerns from the 40s and 50s and anything by John Woo (who at
    least has the decency not to pretend to be realistic). 
    
    I can think of two honourable exceptions (at this moment):
    
    Seven Samurai (the 'score' is kept with rigorous precision).
    
    Die Hard (which for all its silliness, doesn't cheat when it comes to
    getting rid of the villains.)
    
    
    Nick
    
     

    In every James Bond movie how many times will the
    starlet say "Oh James"?
    
    				-Jim- aka oh James
    

    I'm sure this came from the previous incarnation of MOVIES--
    
    There's always a parking place right in front of where the
    hero/heroine wants to go.
    
    OF course, how interesting would it be for us to watch 
    movie heroes endlessly circling the block, unless the
    dialog were brilliant?  ;-)
    
    
    Richard

	And just before the villain is going to kill the hero he explains how his
wicked plan works to the Hero.

	I classic one is in "Diamonds are forever" when it involves
Blofeld, an oil-rig and some cassette with instructions for a satellite which
gets switched several times.

	
	This holds true for most films of this ilk.
	

    When the villian starts to strangle you, you spend all your
    remaining energy trying to pull his/her hands away from your
    throat, rather than poking your fingers in her/his eyes or
    driving a swift knee into some tender parts.
    
    And it's not allowed for an injured hero to shoot the villian
    from behind or a distance--he or she must step up for a 
    face-to-face, hand-to-hand final confrontation.
    
    More realistic movies (like "Schindler's List") have much
    more sensible (and thus more scary) villians.
    
    		-John Bishop

    
    
    How about squealing tires in dirt, this is just plain stupid.
    
    
    Victims being chased by bad guys and then the victim falls down and 
    seem to lose the abilty to run again. This forces them into this dramatic 
    crawl scene with the bad guy getting closer and closer as we see the terror
    on the victims face. Bad cinema knows no bounds
    
    
    How about man asks girl for date, she says yes, he says 9:00 ok. They never
    exchange adresses or  phone numbers. Meet where???? I guess it would
    take to long and not add to the story line to really imitate life once
    you've set the story line.

    
    Continuing on the chase theme, how come the chasee almost always falls,
    as -1 noted, but the chaser never does? :^)
    
    
    Marilyn

    
    	And the chaser follows at a leisurely pace, while the chasee is
    	usually running full-tilt, and the chaser has no trouble catching
    	up?
    
    							GTI

    Obviously the chasee always falls because he/she (usually she)
    spends half the chase looking back over his/her shoulder or stumbling
    along running half-backwards.  ;-)
    
    -- Bill

    Howard Hawks went after a couple of movie myths in his Westerns.  He
    says he did "Rio Bravo" partly because he was so irritated by "High
    Noon".  Early on, some townsperson offers to join John Wayne in
    fighting off the bad guys, and Wayne looks at him pityingly and says,
    "You'd just get in the way."
    
    I think it was in "El Dorado" that Hawks has a movie-long buildup to a
    showdown between legendary old gunman Wayne and a quick-drawin' young
    gunman, and when it's finally time to fight, Wayne shoots him with no
    warning. 
    
    "You didn't give me a chance," the dying kid says in disbelief.
    
    "You're too good to give a chance," says Wayne.
    
    Ray

    
    What was the movie that had a fight scene in a dead end alley, where
    the fight scene went on for about 15 minutes of constant head bashing,
    just to make fun of all those flicks where the hero is hit over the
    head with an anchor, yet continues to return for more....
    
    It was some cop movie of some sort.....
    
    Lisa

    Sounds like that John Carpenter movie about alien yuppies starring
    Rowdy Roddy.  What was it called, "They Live"?
    
    Ray

    
    	Yup, that was the one.
    
    							GTI

	I like the way that people can run faster that a car when being
	chased by one down an alleyway. They alway succeed in reaching
	the one place where they can throw themselves spectacularly out 
	of the way, even though us lesser real mortals would have been
	strawberry-jam a hundred yards before hand.

	Paul.

    I always laugh when I see someone in movie get out of a bad situtation
    by some unbelievable jump in logic while the rest of us would of
    ended up looking like one of Jeffrey Dahmers friends. I've coined a
    phrase for this phenomenom called the Mc Gyver effect.
    
        -=-=-R~C~W-=-=-

>>> re: .5
>>> When computers break down, smoke and flames come out of the keyboard.
    
    And, did you ever notice the computers?  They always have MAGTAPE
    spinning in read mode - who reads magtapes anymore?  Usually the
    computer resembles a PDP-8 (oops - dating myself (maybe I should take
    myself to the movies and a quiet dinner for one).  Can you imagine 
    showing a VAX 4000?  The average American would think it's a piece of
    stereo equipment.
    
    Another  Movie myth..  the killer that's been stalking the hero or 
    heroine (isn't that illegal) throughout the movie has him or her
    cornered and waits a critical amount of time - enough to be captured
    or killed (only flaw in "Silence of the Lambs").
    
    How 'bout in "Run" when the mob boss guy has the hero (Patrick 
    Dempsey?) cornered and he just stands there while the metal rabbit
    pins him against the wall.
    
    Another thing that really bugs me in movies (and it's so hard to
    control from a production/editing standpoint) is the level of 
    beverage in a glass during a scene.  It never stays the same - it 
    increases and decreases irraticly....
    
    	-Steve

    Oh and on the subject of computers......
    <FLAME ON>
    
    WHAT THE HELL ARE THE ODDS THAT A PERSON CAN GUESS SOMEONE ELSES PASSWORD?
                     
    <flame off>
    
    I mean really....The only time I could almost buy them breaking into
    someone's computer was a recent Lois and Clark, the new adventures of
    Superman when one characert found out the villian's hero was Citizen
    Kane - hense the password "Rosebud" but puhleeezzzeeee.  They plunk
    someone down at and key board and a few strokes later - ta da! They
    have guess it
    
    Jt

    
    	That happened in "Wargames" also ... possibly believable, but
    	not very.
    
    	And the "Ice Princess" days of "General Hospital", when Luke
    	saved the city/state/country by stopping some kind of "doomsday
    	machine".
    
    							GTI

    Well, at least in "Wargames" it took a *lot* of effort, and the kid
    *was* a hacker.
    
    E

    re "Silence of the Lambs" ending:
    
    I don't find it mythical that a sicko who gets his thrills
    from other peoples' fear would toy with a victim before
    killing her.  As long as he didn't know she was official
    and thus likely to have back-up (though in this case she
    didn't).
    
    On the other hand, the fact that anyone had found him out
    means he should kill her for business rather than pleasure,
    and get out fast.  His only protection is anonymity.  It
    one person can find him, another is only a matter of time.
    
    But he was a sicko, and so even that makes sense.  In short,
    that movie isn't a good example of the myth.
    
    		-John Bishop

    i shoulda known not to say anything negitive about S.o.t.L. it is the 
    first and only movie that ever literally had me oteoms! (on the edge
    of my seat).
    
    steve
    

    The way people cry in movies: watery eyes, a dab of the handkerchief
    and all's well again. In Mermaids, Cher's discreet snuffle at the
    bedside of her almost-drowned daughter leaving her makeup absolutely 
    unmarked.
    
    
    Where are the puffy eyes, runny noses, sniffs and coughs and swallows?
    In Truly, Madly, Deeply Juliet Stevenson really looked as if she was
    coming apart with grief. And I thought Cuba Gooding Jr in Boyz N The
    Hood was convincing.
    
    Nick
    
    
    PS I once saw Michael Moriarty play a character who *almost* gave in
    and cried, but then just managed to keep his emotions in check. That
    was more affecting than most crying scenes I've watched.
    
    

    
    
    The one thats really stupid is that movie with Robert Redford
    who plays a hacker. His group gets their hands on a codebreaker
    for computers. They hook it up and dial the treasury and
    wa la a screen pops up with garbled info, they turn on the code-
    breaker and the screen clears to reveal a menu for tranfering money
    anywhere you want ...Duh. What happened to the username/password
    protocol? I don't think the movie makers will get away with stuff
    with this generation because of the proliferation of computers.
    
               -=-=-R~C~W-=-=-

    In "Maybe Next Spring", Sally Field cried, and it was the *first* time
    I realized that I wasn't the only one whose nose got all stuffy when I
    cried!
    
    
    E Grace

    re .35, I think Nancy Kerrigan has recently been a victim of the
    "everybody can be as articulate as they want under any and all
    circumstances" myth.  She has been criticized for her comments during
    interviews and especially for breaking down and crying on the Jane
    Pauly interview.  I can't help but feel sorry for her.  It's *skating*
    that she has been spending her time practicing, not public speaking. 
    It seems as though the media and the public have come to expect
    everyone to be as articulate or witty as Johnny Carson or Robin
    Williams, and it's not really fair.
    
    Lorna
    

    
    Lorna, I couldn't of said it better myself.  Like Nancy said
    "I dont work from a script"  
    
    Lou

  How did Nancy Kerrigan get into this note, has she made a movie yet?

  I think you guys are jumping the gun a bit.

  George

    re .38, George, Beth Rust made a comment about how everyone in movies
    is always articulate and witty, knowing just what to say in every
    situation.  This happened to remind me of comments I'd recently heard
    on the news in regard to Nancy Kerrigan being inarticulate.  I felt it
    tied in with the myth, that Beth brought up, that the public now
    expects everybody who happens to wind-up in the spotlight to always
    know exactly what to say at any given moment.  It was just an off-hand
    comment.
    
    I'm sorry if it annoyed you, George.
    
    You may now enter your next suggestion for a movie myth.
    
    Lorna
    

    .1> Heros never lock their cars.  Most of them leave their keys in the
      > ignition so that they can take off faaaaaast.
    
    Characters rarely buckle up, either, and drivers can go for blocks
    engrossed in conversation without looking at the road.
    
    Leslie
    

    Actually, almost all characters buckle up these days.
    
    E Grace

    
    And...
    
    I HATE WHEN TWENTYELEVEN BAD GUYS USES MACHINEGUNS AGAINST THE HERO
    AND THEY ALL MISS TO PUT 23 465 BULLETS IN HIS BODY...
    
    Well...One or two bullets sometimes hits the hero so we understand that
    he is in trouble... :-)
    
    ThPi
    
    

>    
>    I HATE WHEN TWENTYELEVEN BAD GUYS USES MACHINEGUNS AGAINST THE HERO
>    AND THEY ALL MISS TO PUT 23 465 BULLETS IN HIS BODY...
>    

	Connected with the above - what do bad guys with guns have against
	flowerpots?? The are unnervingly accurate in shooting them whenever
	our hero(ine) sprints through the garden ;-)

    
    	Sounds like both of you watched "Beverly Hills Cop" the other
    	night.
    
    	8^)
    
    							GTI

    more like Commando!
    
    -H.
    

>    I HATE WHEN TWENTYELEVEN BAD GUYS USES MACHINEGUNS AGAINST THE HERO
>    AND THEY ALL MISS TO PUT 23 465 BULLETS IN HIS BODY...

Except for the machine gun part, Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman both 
addressed this point in "Unforgiven."
Don't lose your cool - aim at somebody, shoot, aim at somebody else, 
shoot, etc.
The agitated "bad guys" just shoot - they forget the first two steps.

To depart on a rathole, I read a science fiction story one time that involved
how a guy stopped a riot by shooting people (sounds easy, doesn't it?).
He called out to people before he shot them - "Hey, you in the yellow sweater!"
Blam!  "Hey, you with the beard and the backpack!"  Blam!

The matter seemed to be that personalizing the shooting got peoples'
attention, and they didn't want to call attention to themselves and be 
the next "Hey, you..."
I found it an interesting idea.

- tom]

How about long hot kisses early in the morning right after
awakening. 

    
    Why, ::Pijpstra_d! was that an offer?
    
    
    
    Ian

    Re .47: Hey, wait a minute. What's so mythical about _that_? ;-)
    
    I did spot another "myth" the other day, though: the "silence the
    guard" syndrome. In every single war movie, prison movie, bank-robbery
    movie, or any other movie involving somebody standing watch, it seems
    there's a scene where someone sneaks up on a guard and stabs or
    garrottes or brains the poor guy - and this guard is *never*, *ever* a
    major character, a friend of a major character, a relative of a major
    character... not important to anybody in the least, other than as an
    obstacle to be overcome. For some reason, the deaths of significant
    characters are nearly always, um, significant - played up, with lots of
    time for the victim to react, with survivors vowing vengeance, and
    often with lots of directorial hints that Killing Is A Bad Thing, or
    See How Tragic This Is. But these same movies often have "silence the
    guards" scenes, telling us that some peoples' deaths are much less
    important than others - or that sudden, casual death-with-no-warning
    only strikes the extras, never the major characters (i.e., you and me).
    [The former is probably true for most of us, certainly for me; that is,
    whether it's in a movie or in real life, the death of someone I care
    about is more significant to me than that of someone I don't care about
    or never knew. But why is it that the guard who gets garrotted is never
    someone the audience "knows"? Do the producers feel that people just
    couldn't take it if they were urged to identify with somebody who got
    killed with no warning at all, and not even - gulp! - a lingering death
    scene?]
    
    Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead...
    
    -b

Well maybe I am the only one who isn't quite sure about the smell
of his/hers breath early in the morning. I would prefer to brush my 
teeth first. Really it always amazes me.

    RE: "silence the guard"
    
    Ah, yes!  At home we call it the "disposable ensign" syndrome after
    watching countless "Star Trek: TNG" episodes.  (also true of the old
    "Star Trek" in spades.)  The moment you see an ensign you've never seen
    before on an "Away Team", you know he's going to be gone before the
    commercial.  (And it is always a "he', BTW.)
    
    - Dave

    
    In a recentish episode (Descent pt I) the disposable ensign was female.  
    
    And yep... She was dead as a dodo by ads time.
                           
    

RE: The Disposible Ensign, Silent Guard
Terry Pratchett wrote "Guards Guards" with these people in mind the foreword
mentions this syndrome in some length and then sort of says this is their story

Oliver

    RE:  Gone Guards
    
    Ever notice also the guards aren't paying much attention, and for some
    reason can't seem to hear an elephant thrashing around,
    coming up on them.  And, it's usually dark.  Truth is it's incredible 
    how loud sound is at night.
    
    On another note, my favorite is the change in outside lighting; usually
    clear to cloudy, or vice versa.  Sort of "Same Scene - Different Day".
    
    -Bill

    The hero has finally knocked out the villian.  Hero doesn't finish
    villian off, oh no, he's got to stand around and hug the damsel in
    distress just long enough for the villian to regain conciousness and
    resume the fight.  I hate that!!!
    
    lv

    A great movie called "The Hitcher", with Rutger Hauer.
    
    The hero does *everything* "I" would do in the same situation.  He
    never makes the movie-myth mistakes...and it doesn't work!  A great
    movie once but not twice, since the suspense is gone.
    
    Kind of gory too.  But worth it.
    
    Bonnie

	The car tires are screaming even on a gravel road...

	Poul

.57> 	The car tires are screaming even on a gravel road...

	See .16

    
    re .-1: Oops. Then I'm not the only one who recognize this..;-)
    

By the way, which car company delivers all these police cars? I must
have seen hundreds maybe thousands get smashed in whatever movie or
series. 

That's quite a business..

  Most often if you look close you can tell rather easily what type of car
they are using. Most police cars in the U.S. are American cars with Ford and
Chevy seeming to get more than their share and I've noticed that trend in drama
as well. 

  Often times, however, it's not a complete car that destroyed. They often use
a weighted shell of a car for explosions and the like. To some extent these can
be reused. 

  George 

>  Often times, however, it's not a complete car that destroyed. They often use
>a weighted shell of a car for explosions and the like. To some extent these can
>be reused. 

	Of course, they corner the market on Bondo at the local ADAP if
    they do *that* :-)
    						- JC
    

    In a Martial Arts movie, even if the bad guys have got the hero
    outnumbered, they form a circle around him- AND THEN THEY EACH WAIT FOR
    THEIR TURN!....
    		Jim

    I would like to know why, whenever somebody is really, really thirsty,
    half of what they get to drink ends up on their shirtfront. When I'm
    that thirsty, everything I drink goes down my throat, very, very
    carefully.
    
    Nick

I think it's based on the same principle seen in effect in cereal commercials
on TV, where people dribble milk down their chins while facing the camera with
a look of slyness and ecstasy.

    How about cars without rearview mirrors, waking up and/or going to bed
    in full makeup (for women anyway), coming to after being knocked 
    unconcious by the bad guy for up to 12 hours and being able to have 
    an intelligent conversation with complete and total recall.
    
    Mary Jo

    .66> How about cars without rearview mirrors,
    
    I've had several cars without rear-view mirrors ;-)
    
    steve

    768 got me thinking about movie cliques, how about the official clique
    note?
    
    I would put forward as my favourite this guy who hangs around most war
    and techno-thriller movies who is there to look dumb and have people
    explain to him what is going on.  Das Boot is probably a classic here
    as they put a journalist on board "to tell things to"
    
    My least favourite, most annoying is "the shot from off"  the first
    time I was this was in High Noon, this maybe the original use.  Our
    hero has been defeated, rendered helpless by the bad guy and we see a
    close up as the death blow is to be delivered then bang, villain slumps
    leaving some minor character (often love interest female) holding a
    smoking gun.  Few follow Grace Kelly and feint.
    
    Any thoughts?
    
    R. Michael. 

>             <<< Note 776.0 by BRUMMY::WILLIAMSM "Born to grep" >>>
>                               -< Movie cliques >-

You don't mean "Cliques," you mean "cliches" (you add the right accents).

But "cliques" make sense, like the old Rat Pack (Martin, Sinatra, Bishop, etc.)
or the new generation Brat Pack.

So which do you want this to be?

- tom]

    thanks for the spelling correction.  The cliques are a boring fact of
    life, I think I was spelling it the other way.
    
    Anyway, cliche: a trite expression or idea. I own a dictionary I just
    don't open it much.
    
    How about the one that involves the way that extra's always get shot in
    the middle of the chest, unless they have lines afterwards then its the
    top of the left arm.  See anything with Steve Siegal in it.
    
    REmember, these spelling mistakes are copywrite.  Michael.

    how about disaster/horror movies when everyone is just about to get
    away then someone has to return for the family pet ?
    
    (couldn't believe they used this in Alien !!)
    
    ric

    These things come flooding into my brain, maybe typing a few will help
    me sleep:
    
    Westerns, most are well known, reload free revolvers, ererlast horses
    etc.  But the two that really get me are, firstly the way the villain
    is a big softy compared to the "hero" the good guy is far more gun
    grazy and ruthless, the magnificent seven is a great example of this,
    Chris is always one step off being completely psycho, the spagetti's as
    well.  Sometime I think the writers see this and get the bad guy to
    shoot somebody to make them look unpleasant.  Warren Oats in that thing
    about Lee Van-Cleef on a barge springs to mind.  He shoots a woman
    after making love to her.
    
    The second Western one, I see time out of mind are the "Mexican's" with
    two bandoliers full of these huge bullets that look like they belong
    in an antitank rifle (those are big ones) but the guy in question is
    carrying an itty bitty winchester that actually fires itty pitty pistol
    bullets (those are small ones).  I can't be bothered to choose a case
    for that one they all do it.
    
    MORE:
    
    Every film with a computer in it that consists only of totally demented
    tape drives that look like there on the slow spin cycle.
    
    Women who start out full of vigour and personality but end up in a
    corner screaming in the big fight.  Robin hood prince of thieves, and
    many more.
    
    Silliness with women's underwear, this is the one part of Nun's on the
    run which really annoyed, otherwise a great film.
    
    Conveying a sense of tension or personally rivalry simply by getting
    people to shout at one another.  See most things with Dr's or Maverick
    cops in, see also the explaination of this in last action hero.
    
    Cars that burst into flames half way down cliffs, well before hitting
    anything.  See any B-Movie action movie, or Top Secret.
    
    The film savage islands.  Seeing is believing (Right down to the pistol
    packing nun.)
    
    Escape to Athena.  Seeing is believing (Right down to the grenade
    tossing priest.)
    
    Do American cops only eat donuts?
    
    "That smart kid"  The one you really hope that the Dinosaur is going to
    eat, that the T1000 is going to slice, that Long John Silver is going
    to throw overboard, that kid out of LAHero that something really odd
    should really happen to.
    
    Do I feel better, Yep.
    
    R. Michael.

    
    >Cars that burst into flames half way down cliffs, well before hitting
    >anything.  See any B-Movie action movie, or Top Secret.
                                                 ----------
    
    	"Ping" ... BOOM!!  I love that part!!  8^)
    
    >Do American cops only eat donuts?
    
    	Sgt. Powell from "Die Hard" [I and II] ate Twinkies.  8^)
    

    re .73
    
    
    They were for his wife.  (Yeah.)  She's pregnant.  (Yeah).  
    
    
    :)
    
    
    kim

    > Cars that burst into flames half way down cliffs, well before hitting
        >anything.  See any B-Movie action movie, or Top Secret.
    
    Are you talking about the jeep hitting the Pinto? What got me about
    that was, after the jeep blew up and got rid of the bad guys, the good
    guys jumped in the jeep and drove off!

    
    	I saw "Ring of the Musketeers" last week, and after tumbling down
    	a cliff, a late-model Mustang convertible exploded 5 or 6 times.
    

    
 If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

 
 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not
 face-concealing ones.
 
 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
 
 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
 anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
 
 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
 
 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
 Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
 Eternity.  It will be in my safe-deposit box.
 
 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
 
 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are
 you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just
 sensible."
 
 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
 will you at least tell me what this is all about?"  I'll shoot him, and then
 say "No".
 
 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
 a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
 which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
 
 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
 necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled
 "Danger: Do Not Push".
 
 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
 destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
 
 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
 well outside my borders will work just as well.
 
 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
 prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
 enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
 
 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm
 not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
 
 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
 simply choose not show them any.
 
 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
 my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
 
 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
 the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
 celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
 
 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
 of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
 adhere to any other dress codes.
 
 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
 form of last request.
 
 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
 such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
 the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
 operation.
 
 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
 scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted
 to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
 
 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one
 thing I want to know."
 
 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
 advice.
 
  24.  I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
distraction at a crucial point in time. 

  25.  I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own father. 

  26.  Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly. 

  27.  I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs
that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or
savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops
to have a more positive mind-set. 

  28.  No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 

  29.  I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize
my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
with spears and rocks. 

  30.  I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 

  31.  No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one
small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 

  32.  If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather,
he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to
dispatch him. 

  33.  No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to
kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent
to my bedchamber. 

  34.  I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times. 

  35.  If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the
defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my
inner sanctum to attempt this. 

  36.  My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 

  37.  Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
structural reason. 

  38.  I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion. 

  39.  All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes
will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief. 

  40.  All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 

  41.  Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through
self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. 

  42.  I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am.  Good messengers are hard
to come by. 

  43.  I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument
in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. 

  44.  I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions. 

  45.  I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung. 

  46.  I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 

  47.  I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X. 

RE the overlord list in .78:  Someone forwarded it to me (as potential fodder 
for one of my distribution lists, NOT because I'm a MOVIES moderator :-) ) and
then discovered the source and sent me the pointer. It's on the Web at:

  http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html

Incidentally, the Web page requests that it be forwarded unaltered, with a 
copyright  notice, a request that apparently someone along the line did not 
honor (I hate when that happens).  Not only is the copyright notice missing 
from the copy that Shawn received, more than half of the list is missing!  
There are 115 items in the list on the Web page as of the time I'm writing 
this reply.  (Maybe the version that Shawn received was sent around before
the list got that big...)

Just fyi.

-- Nina

    
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach
<anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it
along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way,
and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every
Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
     not face-concealing ones.

  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
     anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

  5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
     Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
     Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
     object which is my one weakness.

  6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

  7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, ``Or
     are you afraid without your armies to back you up?'' My reply will be,
     ``No, just sensible.''

  8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill
     me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say,
     ``No.'' and shoot him.

  9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
     in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time
     during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
     necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
     labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not
     Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough
     to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be
     labelled as such.

 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
     destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
     hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
     prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
     enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident --
     I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe
     it.

 15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word ``mercy'';
     I simply choose not show them any.

 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
     in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
     implementation.

 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
     ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
     cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
     celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
     of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots
     or adhere to any other dress codes.

 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
     other form of last request.

 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
     that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
     activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his
     plan into operation.

 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
     scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
     twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's
     caused.

 22. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just
     one thing I want to know.''

 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
     advice.

 24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
     usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
     a crucial point in time.

 25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
     but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
     father.

 26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
     maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
     developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
     accordingly.

 27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
     for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that
     make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage
     Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to
     have a more positive mind-set.

 28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
     will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

 29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
     their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
     power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons
     useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed
     with spears and rocks.

 30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
     Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
     never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After
     that, death is usually instantaneous.)

 31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
     of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small
     and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

 32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
     is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill
     me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to
     my bedchamber.

 33. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
     systems will have reduntant control panels and power supplies. For the
     same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
     all times.

 34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
     flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
     there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
     attempt this.

 35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
     escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

 36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I
     will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
     that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good
     structural reason.

 37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
     confusion.

 38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
     thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
     surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
     relief.

 39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
     surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
     reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

 40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
     secondary character who has given up his/her life through self
     sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

 41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
     just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to
     come by.

 42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
     with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in
     the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the
     secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the
     citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

 43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
     a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
     dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will
     be reserved for formal occasions.

 44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
     getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

 45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

 46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
     Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

 47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
     let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep
     the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
     copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

 48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
     battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

 49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
     anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead
     of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards
     me in my old age.

 50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
     the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
     number among his army.

 51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
     superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead
     of keeping it in reserve.

 52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
     devices.

 53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
     executed.

 54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
     ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
     ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

 55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
     beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
     looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
     plans.

 56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
     for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
     to give the other guy a sporting chance.

 57. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that can be
     neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

 58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
     for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I
     will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price
     for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

 59. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can one
     man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the advisor.

 60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
     slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him
     to mature.

 61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
     with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
     not immediately come after me for revenge.

 62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
     will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
     out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
     paper.

 63. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
     will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
     powerbooks.

 64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
     elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
     they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

 65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
     conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
     transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

 66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
     examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
     tunnels that I might not know about.

 67. If the beautiful princess that I capture says ``I'll never marry you!
     Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and kill
     her.

 68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
     double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

 69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
     my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
     covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
     there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less
     attention.

 70. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
     cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
     target practice.

 71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
     read the owner's manual.

 72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
     dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

 73. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

 74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
     I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it
     will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

 75. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad
     scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
     them.

 76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

 77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
     structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
     firefight.

 78. I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are
     dead.

 79. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
     they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
     through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

 80. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
     unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be
     a disadvantage.

 81. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
     the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
     the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
     actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
     Containment.

 82. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
     watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
     fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that
     sequence will trigger the alarm system.

 83. If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay
     with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of
     explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

 84. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
     instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
     full-scale emergency.

 85. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
     only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer
     is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd
     better save my life again.

 86. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
     delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
     foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
     the wild.

 87. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
     travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one
     of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will
     immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of
     quizzically peering around a corner.

 88. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
     made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
     standing by in case the answer is no.

 89. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
     begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
     using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

 90. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
     contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them
     to win.

 91. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
     five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
     label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top of my
     desk.

 92. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
     instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
     one or two at a time.

 93. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
     struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
     not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
     over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

 94. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
     chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough
     sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot
     before making the offer.

 95. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken alive!''
     The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
     practical.''

 96. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
     as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
     limited-edition commemorative coins.

 97. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
     troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he
     gets closer and closer to my fortress.

 98. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
     him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
     flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to
     find out what he saw.

 99. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
     the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

100. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
     have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for
     both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with
     him.

101. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
     sex.

102. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
     complicated, e.g. ``Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar
     then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.'' Instead
     it will be more along the lines of ``Push the button.''

103. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
     grounded.

104. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also,
     I will not construct walkways above them.

105. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
     them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
     again.

106. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
     disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
     the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
     took it from him.

107. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
     facing away from the door.

108. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
     obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
     is finished. It might actually be important.

109. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead
     I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on
     the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
     months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
     righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

110. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
     who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled
     to go first.

111. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
     grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

112. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
     bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
     the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team
     instead of opening up the cell for a look.

113. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
     on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the
     inside opens the door, not vice versa.

114. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
     reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

115. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
     I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

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This web page has been given the award of Cruel Site of the Day for Friday,
December 13, 1996.  [Go to the Cruel Site of the Day site]

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If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.
(Suggestion may be summarily rejected or edited without your permission.
What do you expect from an EVIL Overlord?)

I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants -- but not
trusted lieutenants -- in my Legions of Terror:

   * Peter Ashen <pash@netspace.net.au>
   * Vance Atkins <glacier@nwlink.com>
   * David Borcherding <lestat@one.net>
   * Ian Bell <ibell@cix.compulink.co.uk>
   * Devon Black <magedoug@isu.edu>
   * Bill Campbell <bcamp23@airmail.net>
   * Paul Dietrich <paulmd@efn.org>
   * Mario Di Giacomo <mdg@ids.net>
   * Chris Dunham <chameleo@ebtech.net>
   * Jon Fowlkes <jon@ahcg.com>
   * Tony Gowland <ag120@york.ac.uk>
   * James Grannon <JGRANNON@mail.starledger.com>
   * Ward Griffiths <gram@cnct.com>
   * Dave Harper <dharper@mustang.uwo.ca>
   * Paul J. Henry <clyde@moose.org>
   * Julie Helmer <AnnieKey@aol.com>
   * Greg Huffman <huffmang@gsg.eds.com>
   * Lynn Irwin <jalyn@nanosecond.com>
   * Curtis M Johnson <Curtis_M_Johnson@celcorp.com>
   * Noah Johnson <streak@well.com>
   * Ramin Kamal <ramin@sidefx.com>
   * Edmund Kao <kao@cems.umn.edu>
   * SEK <SKemp@formmaker.com>
   * Terran Lane <terran@ecn.purdue.edu>
   * Bill Lee <bill_lee@qmgate.corp.apple.com>
   * Michael Lorton <mlorton@microsoft.com>
   * Mike Marano <profmike@dnai.com>
   * Christy Marx <moonfire@cybergate.com>
   * Andy Mcdermott <andymc@paragon.co.uk>
   * David Mcelfresh <dmcelfre+@pitt.edu>
   * Kevin Meehan <kaliban@ix.netcom.com>
   * Meteor <sirius@fl.net.au>
   * Pete Meyers (Wasser) <a-petem@microsoft.com>
   * Mark Minisi <ccs473@webspan.net>
   * Eric Minton <minton@planet.earthcom.net>
   * Jesse Mundis <jesse@Internex.NET>
   * CL Murphy <CL@ncgwpc.syntellect.com>
   * Mark Musante <olorin@world.std.com>
   * Sunil Narayan <anarayan@tpts1.seed.net.tw>
   * Francesco Nicoletti <francesco.nicoletti@tafensw.edu.au>
   * Daniel Palivec <XPALIVEC@rtime.felk.cvut.cz>
   * Joel Polowin <polowin@silicon.chem.queensu.ca>
   * Zed Rational <zedrational@geocities.com>
   * Peter Scott Rogers <psrogers@owlnet.rice.edu>
   * Lisa Rose <rosita@igc.apc.org>
   * Sara <Ommonkey@aol.com>
   * Yuri Schimke <yuri@zip.com.au>
   * Lucas Schofield <lschofie@eagle.wbm.ca>
   * Kathryn R. Smith <s898@hopi.dtcc.edu>
   * John & Donna Spert <jjs@io.com>
   * Katherine Teague <kteague@nortel.ca>
   * L. J. Tomsho <Caducom@ix.netcom.com>
   * Taldin the Blue Unicorn <taldin@netcom.com>
   * Jae Walker <walkerj@pilot.msu.edu>
   * Monika Weikel <weikel@rohan.sdsu.edu>
   * Justin Wiley <juwiley@vt.edu>
   * Bill Woods <wwoods@ix.netcom.com>
   * baldycotton@mindspring.com
   * g.kenter@genie.com
   * rsledge@spry.com
   * tjeerd@xs4all.nl

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I would also like to proclaim "Hercules", "Xena", "Sinbad", "Tarzan", and
"Robin Hood" to be the Official Television Shows of the Evil Overlord List.
Their repeated efforts to illustrate why Evil Overlords need such a list
serve as examples to us all.

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