Conference rdvax::grateful

    Three nuns are walking down the beach, when one of them stubs her
    toe on something in the sand. She digs it out, and lo and behold it's a
    lamp with a cork in the top. She rubs it, and the cork pops out and
    there springs a genie to life before them. 
    
    The genie says, "ok, each of you gets a wish". 
    
    So the first nun says, "well I don't really need much in the way of
    worldly wealth, all my needs are met, and I have wont for nothing. But
    if I could ask for anything, I'd ask for twice as much wisdom as I now
    have."
    
    The genie says, "so be it". Poof! The first nun looks happy. 
    
    So the second nun says, "well, I have no needs either, the church
    has provided for all of my needs. But I, too, lack wisdom. Let me have
    five times more wisdom".
    
    The genie says, "so be it". Poof! The second nun looks very happy. 
    
    So the third nun says, "well, I have a great need for wisdom. Please
    bless me with seven times more wisdom". 
    
    The genie says, "are you sure? Do you know what you are asking for?"
    
    And the third nun says, "yes! Seven times more wisdom".

    The genie says, "so be it". Poof! ...

    The third nun becomes a man.

re:        <<< Note 104.1 by GR8FUL::WHITE "She sang a little while..." >>>

>    The third nun becomes a man.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Quasimodo was looking to retire, and thought he should hire an
    apprentice bell-ringer to train for the position after he left.  So he
    hung a sign in front of Notre Dame Cathedral ... 
    
    		APPRENTICE BELL RINGER WANTED
    
    Now there's this kid living down the street who's a hunchback just like
    Quasimodo, but he doesn't have any arms.  Since Quasimodo had been his
    role model all his life, he eagerly applied for the job.  Quasimodo had
    some reservations about all this, and told the kid so.  "How can you
    ring the bells, you don't have any arms?"  But the kid replied "no
    problem Quasimodo" and agreed to a trial run.
    
    So Quasimodo takes him up to the bell tower to ring the 10 o'clock
    bell.  He shows the kid the ropes and started the countdown.  As 10
    o'clock arrived, the kid takes a running leap and ... "BONG" ... he
    strikes the bell with his face.  Smiling, even though he's got a bloody
    nose, he asks Quasimodo if he has the job.  Quasimodo wasn't sure the
    kid could handle it, and asks him to come back in two hours to ring the
    larger, noon bell.
    
    So in two hours the kid arrives, and they climb up the tower. His nose
    looks better, but Quasimodo still expresses some reservations.  The kid
    takes one look at the bell and exclaimed "no problem, Quasimodo".  Noon
    arrives and the kid takes a gigantic leap into the air and SMASHES the
    bell with his face ... "BONNNNGGG".  He slides to the floor, gazes up
    at Quasimodo with a black eye and one tooth missing, and asks if he's
    got the job.  Quasimodo is impressed, but figures he'd better give the
    kid one final test.  "Come back for the 6 o'clock bell, it's the
    biggest one in the cathedral.  If you can handle that one, you've got
    the job."
    
    So the kid comes back and they climb the highest tower in Notre Dame. 
    As six o'clock approaches Quasimodo asked him again "you sure you can
    handle this?"  The kid looks at him through his one good eye and
    replies "no problem, Quasimodo".  At six o'clock sharp the kid backs
    up to the edge of the tower, takes a running leap, misses the bell
    completely and falls to the ground below. 
    
    A crowd gathers around his crumpled body.  "Who is he" the crowd wants
    to know.  Someone replies ...
    
    	... "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for Quasimodo".
    
    Just then, Quasimodo pushes his way through the crowd.  As he stands
    over the kid's body the constable asked him if he knows the who it is.
    Quasimodo replies ...
    
    		... "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell".
    

    Here is a riddle I just heard on my tape of Fillmore East 14/FEB/70:
    
    "If you cross an octopus with a pig what do you get?"
    
    "If you cross an octopus with a pig - here's what you get - you get a
    football that throws itself - howz about that"

    The 1991 Kuwaiti calandar just came out.
    
    It goes from January 1 to January 15 and the rest of the pages are
    blank.

         David Letterman's "Top 10 things Saddam Hussein has to do
         between now and tomorrow":

         10. Call about a will.

         9. Get the best damn earplugs money can buy.

         8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).

         7. Make a week of appearances on "The Match Game".

         6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.

         5. Get Bat Signal to work.

         4. R.S.V.P. "No" to that wedding invitation from Duluth, Minn.

         3. Take New York City cab driver's test.

         2. Shower.

         And the top thing he has do ...

         1. Fill out Postal Service change of address card for hell.

    
                National Lampoon's True Facts Calendar - 1991
    
    	1/4/91 - A prisoner at the Pasco County Jail in Port Richey,
    		 Florida, began an escape attempt by hiding in a gar-
    		 bage can.  He was discovered during roll call, how-
    		 ever, when he heard his name and compulsively called
    		 out "Here!".

	1/5/91 - Scientists at Kansas State University claim they have
		 crossed the tomato with the potato to produce a hybrid
		 plant that produces tubers underground as well as a
		 small, yellow, seedless fruit that smells like a tom-
		 ato.  However, says plant physiologist James Shepard,
		 researchers suspect the new fruit may be poisonous.

	1/6/91 - Performing in Cape Town, South Africa, swordsman El
		 Hakim asked a volunteer from the audience to check the
		 sharpness of his sword's blade.  But before Hakim could
		 explain exactly what he expected, the volunteer took
		 the sword and plunged it into Hakim's back.  "I guess
		 he just misunderstood", said Hakim after recovering.

	1/7/91 - During the Dublin, Ireland, performance of the oper-
		 etta H.M.S. Pinafore, actor Alan Devlin suddenly stop-
		 ped as he was singing "I Am the Ruler of the Queen's
		 Navee."  The orchestra stopped also, and the audience
		 heard Devlin mutter, "Oh, dash this, I'm going home."
		 Devlin then climbed off the stage and walked out of
		 the theater, taking off his admiral's uniform as he
		 went.  Devlin later said he was considering some ot-
		 her field of work.

	1/8/91 - A woman called police in Huntington Beach, CA, to re-
		 port that her home had been ransacked.  Investigators
		 learned that the mess had been caused by the woman's
		 daughter, who was having trouble finding something to
		 wear to school.

	1/9/91 - This item appeared in the Farm Paper Letter, a public-
		 ation of the US Department of Agriculture: "Sam Katz,
		 once with the USDA's kumquat division, later with the
		 tung nut division, and more recently with the mung
		 bean division, may switch to the kiwi fruit division
		 after the first of the year".
    
    	1/10/91- Bandits trying to break into an office in Rome for a
    		 payroll robbery fired a sub-machine-gun burst at the
    		 lock, but still did not manage to knock down the door.
    		 Finally, they gave up and fled.  Police said they had
    		 been pulling at the door instead of pushing.
    
    	1/11/91- After insulting the DJ at a party in Salisbury, Eng-
    		 land, Dr. John Parsons was asked to leave.  Minutes
    		 after leaving, however, Parsons startled party-goers
    		 by plunging back into the house headfirst through the
    		 glass porch door.  He was tossed out again but ret-
    		 urned a second time - headfirst through the living
    		 room window.  Parsons ran through the house, diving
    		 out through one kitchen window and plunging back in
    		 through another.  Then he walked calmly away.  Par-
    		 sons was later arrested and fined $640 plus $180 to
    		 replace the broken glass.
    
	1/12/91- Dockworker John Kelly tried to fly across the River
		 Boyne in County Louth, Ireland, by jumping from a
		 high ramp with 2 turkeys strapped to his arms.  After
		 falling into the river, Kelly said he would try again
		 using 4 turkeys.

	1/13/91- From the Philadelphia Inquirer: a curious thing hap-
		 pened in Santiago, Chile, as Pope John Paul II was
		 addressing about 80K young people in a soccer stadium
		 Thursday.  "Do you reject the idol of wealth?" asked
		 the pope.  "Yes", came the response.  "Do you reject
		 the idol of power?" he asked again.  Again, "Yes"
		 came from the audience.  Finally John Paul asked, "Do
		 you reject the idol of sex?"  Back came a soft chorus
		 of "No".  The pope made like he didn't notice and con-
		 tinued with his prepared remarks.

	1/14/91- In a letter to the editors of Time magazine, Charles
		 R. Harris, executive director of the American Mushroom
		 Institute, objected to the cover shot of a mushroom
		 cloud on the 40th anniversary of the Hiroshima bomb-
		 ing.  Mr. Harris wrote, "This comes at a time when the
		 American Mushroom Institute is beginning a campaign to
		 increase the consumption of mushrooms from 2.8 pounds
		 per capita to a much higher level".

      A man and his son are walking down the street when they see two dogs
    going at it. The son says to his father, "Dad, what are they doing?"
    The father replies, "They're making puppies son".
    
     Later that day the boy unexpectedly bursts into his parents bedroom
    while they are doing it..and says, "Hey Dad what are you two doing?"
    The father replies, "We're making babies son".
    
     To which the son replies:
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "Turn her around dad, I'd rather have a puppy" 
    

[forwards removed]

	1/18/91 - A judge admonished the Radnor, PA police from pret-
		  ending that a Xerox copy machine was a lie detector.
		  Officers had placed a metal colander on the head of
		  a suspect and attached the colander to the copier
		  with metal wires.  In the copy machine was a type-
		  message which read "He's lying".  According to UPI,
		  "Each time investigators received answers they did
		  not fancy, they pushed the copy button.  Out came
		  the message, "He's lying"."  Apparently convinced
		  the machine was accurate, the suspect confessed.

    A man finds out from his doctor that he only has 8 hours to live.  He
    rushes home and asks his wife to make love with him.  He makes love to
    her once, twice, three times.  Finally they fall asleep.  Later he
    wakes up and tries to get her to make love again.  She refuses saying,
    
    "Give me a break, some of us have to get up in the morning!"

{forwarding headers removed}

    U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early 
    as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a 
    SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl.



    He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.

Nasrudin was rumoured to have great wisdom so he was invited by the
people to the mosque.  He arrived and said to everyone, "Do you know
what I am going to say?".  And they said, "No".  So Nasrudin said,
"If you are too ignorant to know what I was going to say, then you
wouldn't have understood it anyway."  And he left.

But the people really wanted to hear what Nasrudin had to say so they
invited him back next week.  And again he asked, "Tell me people, do
you know what I am going to say?"  And they said, "Yes."  And he said,
"Well, since you know what I am going to say, then there's no point in
me saying it and he left."

But the people thought they had a way to get him to impart his wisdom
so they invited him back the next week to the mosque.  Again, Nasrudin
said, "Do you know what I am going to say?"  And half the people said
"Yes" and half the people said "No".  So Nasrudin said,  "Well those
of you that know can tell the other half that don't know."  And he
left.

john

(Forwarding Addresses Deleted)

      AP - "Saddam Hussein today bragged on public television about the
      success of his SCUD missiles.  He claims he has been able to down
      almost every Patriot missile the Allies have fired."

{forwarding headers removed}

    "We SHELL not EXXONerate Saddam Hussein for his actions.  We will
     MOBILize to meet this threat to our vital interests in the Persian
     GULF until an AMOCOcable solution is reached.  Our strategy is to
     BPrepared.  Failing that, we ARCOming to kick your ass, even if it
     takes 76 years."

			- President "It's Not Just for Oil" Bush

Hell No we won't go
We won't die for Texaco

 
	    M     M        DDDD                          ll  ll  
	    MM   MM        D   D                          l   l  
	    M M M M        D   D                          l   l  
	    M  M  M  ccc   D   D  ooo  n nn  n nn   eee   l   l  
	    M     M c   c  D   D o   o nn  n nn  n e   e  l   l  
	    M     M c      D   D o   o n   n n   n eeeee  l   l  
	    M     M c   c  D   D o   o n   n n   n e      l   l  
	    M     M  ccc   DDDD   ooo  n   n n   n  eee  lll lll
	     
	         DDDD                    ll  
	         D   D                    l
	         D   D                    l   aaa  
	         D   D  ooo  u   u  ggg   l      a   ssss
	         D   D o   o u   u g   g  l   aa a  s
	         D   D o   o u   u g   g  l  a  aa   sss
	         D   D o   o u  uu g  gg  l  a   a      s
	         DDDD   ooo   uu u  gg g lll  aaa a ssss
                      	               g
                   	             ggg
                   
         	    AIRCRAFT - SPACE SYSTEMS - MISSILES
 
             		 Important! Important!
 
 
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
 
 
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.
 
1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other
 
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
 
Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________
 
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________
 
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
 
  	_F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-19A Stealth  _Classified
 
3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________
 
4. Serial Number____________________
 
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
 
	_Received as Gift/Aid Package
	_Catalog Showroom
	_Sleazy Arms Broker
	_Mail Order
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	_Government Surplus
	_Classified
 
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
 
	_Heard loud noise, looked up
	_Store Display
	_Espionage
	_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
	_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
	_Was attacked by one
 
7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
 
	_Style/Appearance
	_Kickback/Bribe
	_Recommended by salesperson
	_Speed/Maneuverability
	_Comfort/Convenience
	_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
	_Advanced Weapons Systems
	_Price/Value
	_Back-Room Politics
	_Negative experience opposing one in combat
 
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
 
	_North America
	_Central/South America
	_Aircraft Carrier
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	_Misc. Third-World Countries
	_Classified
 
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
 
	Product			Own	Intend to purchase
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that apply:
 
	_Communist/Socialist
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	_Corrupt (Other)
	_Primitive/Tribal
 
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 
	_Cash
	_Suitcases of Cocaine
	_Oil Revenues
	_Deficit Spending
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	_Credit Card
	_Ransom Money
	_Traveler's Check
 
12. Occupation			     You	Your Spouse
 
	Homemaker
	Sales/Marketing
	Revolutionary
	Clerical
	Mercenary
	Tyrant
	Middle Management
	Eccentric Billionaire
	Defense Minister/General
	Retired
	Student
	 
13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
 
	Activity/Interest		You	Your Spouse
	Golf
	Boating/Sailing
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	Fashion Clothing
	Border Disputes
	Mutually Assured Destruction
 
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
 
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:
 
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

	You're kidding ... Bush said "*ss"?  Was this really on TV?
	Hmmn, I must have been too caught up in the super bowl ....

	:-)

	PS. sorry Adam  ;^)

re:     <<< Note 104.17 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>
>                          -< OH, it's a *joke*!  :-) >-
>
>	PS. sorry Adam  ;^)

I'm not *that* dumb!

> I'm not *that* dumb!

	No, you're not Adam.  I noticed you stayed clear of all the
	DECHeads until breaktime Saturday night.  Perhaps you were
	hoping that by that time our thirts would be satified and
	we'd forget that you were *supposed* to buy us all drinks?
	
	No such luck huh?  :-)

Lisa

RE:     <<< Note 104.19 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>


>	hoping that by that time our thirts would be satified and

        Alright.  Whatsa thirt?


	


Jim

>        Alright.  Whatsa thirt?

		sawwy, eckthuse me.  

  You should know what a thirt is, why look down, aren't you wearing one?  :-)

Lisa

re:     <<< Note 104.19 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>

>	No, you're not Adam.  I noticed you stayed clear of all the
>	DECHeads until breaktime Saturday night.  Perhaps you were
>	hoping that by that time our thirts would be satified and
>	we'd forget that you were *supposed* to buy us all drinks?

No, it's just that Tina is such a better conversationalist! :-)

And what about the Wild Turkey *you* forgot to bring inside?  It doesn't do
much good in the car unless you put it in the gas tank!

try again next time..

adam

Adam my friend, you are welcome to walk into a bar carrying little nip bottles
of your favorite alchohol but I do not intend to ever try it.  :-)

Lisa

{forwarding headers removed}

From:	BUNNY::"@RELAY.PRIME.COM:MAMIDON@FEDS4.PRIME.COM" 13-NOV-1990 
11:01:42.67
 
Hi elboids!  I'm back!  I'll be preparing a trip report soon, but first
I thot I'd let y'all see this tid-bit I got from my boss:
 
 ____________________________________________________________________________
    ___                                        _____                 ___ 
   /   \    |    |    |    |          |    |   |     |          |   /   \
  |         |    |    |\   |          |\   |   |     |          |  |
   \___     |    |    | \  |          | \  |   |___  |          |   \___
       \    |    |    |  \ |          |  \ |   |      \        /        \
        |   |    |    |   \|          |   \|   |       \  /\  /          |
   \___/    \____/    |    |          |    |   |____    \/  \/      \___/
 ____________________________________________________________________________
 November 8, 1990
 
 
                  YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
 
            Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
                         SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
 
 
 
    "Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I  could  get  twice  as
    much milking done."
                             - Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
 
    "Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate  the  value 
    of good graphics resolution."
                                 - Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
 
    "After we lost most of our cattle stock  to  pellegra,  our  barn 
    burned  down.  After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
    and lost most of his body hair.  Then the banks  foreclosed.   It
    sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
    through hard times."
                                - Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
 
    "I believe that Virtual  Quilting,  using  high-speed  networking 
    services, will be the wave of the future."
                                  - Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
 
    "Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and  look at  the 
    soybean  crop.  After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
    keyboard out the window.  We`re from old Norwegian stock, and  we
    know a thing or two about bus controllers."
                                       - Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
 
                                                                      
    Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
    ican  working man and working woman like no other computer in its
    class?  Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
    leather  screen,  or the  safety air bag  that  inflates when the
    typing buffer gets too full.  Maybe it's the tradition of  honest
    service and free doughnuts.  Then again, maybe not.
 
                                                        
              Sun Microsystems.  A Step Ahead of Your Cows.

    re .-1
    
    Ha, ha!  In fact, many farms make extensive use of computers.  Some
    farms even tag their cows with bar coded tags which are read by an
    automated feed station.  Feed can be changed depending on age, weight,
    production, health, and position in the ovulation cycle (didja know
    that cows don't lactate all the time?  Give or take a few stomachs,
    they work a lot like distaff humans!).  Various feeds can be stored in
    bins and be automatically mixed into a personalized meal for each cow!
    
    Jamie

    Three vampires walk into a bar.  The bartender walks over and the
    first vampire says, "Ill have a glass of blood".
    
    The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of blood too."
    
    The third vampire says, "And I'll have a glass of plasma."
    
    The bartender says, "OK so thats two bloods and a blood lite."

To the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies' theme-
 
Won'tcha listen to a story 'bout a man named Jerry
A young, bearded hippie from the Haight-Ashbury
But then one day when he was lightin' up a smoke
Along came a guy who asked him for a toke
Bob that was.  Flowing hair.  Peaceful vibes.
 
Well the first thing ya know, the boys had made a sound
The kinfolk said, "Let's follow them around!"
They said "Here's a band we can worship faithfully !"
So they signed a record deal and were singing Gratefully.
Dead that is.  Skull decals.  Tie-dyes, yeah......
 

			:-):-):-)

    
    That's hysterical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
    
    :-) 
    
    

    yah,.. pretty funny! :-)
    
    							/
    

    what do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from jail?


                        
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    A small medium at large!

What does an agnostic dyslexic with insomnia do....



He sits up all night pondering the existence of DOG:-)

    Hey, Brucel's back!!

    
    
    		How come Cannibals won't eat clowns?
    
    
    
    		'cause they taste funny!

{forwarding headers removed}

	The following excerpt from a recent "New York Times" editorial 
concerns the U.S. Army's new Sergeant York air-defense gun:

	"The weapon is a computerized, radar-guided pair of guns mounted on a 
tank chassis.  Designed to shoot down planes and helicopters, the weapon is 
programmed to fire at whirring blades.  In recent tests, the newsletter 
"Defense Week" reports, the first production model ignored all the targets 
presented to it...Instead, it zeroed in on what it considered a more promising 
target: the exhaust fan in a nearby latrine."

RE:          <<< Note 104.35 by BEING::MIRABITO "It's so easy to slip" >>>

    
    
   > 		How come Cannibals won't eat clowns?
    
        
    >		'cause they taste funny!




HA HA HA HA HA :^)  :^)   :^)





Jim

from rec.music.gdead

 after the War is Over, the New World Order will be:


 4 billion Big Macs
 3 billion Large Fries
 1 billion Onion Rings
 4 billion Medium Pepsi Colas
 2 billion of those neato lemon meringue pie slices

 "is that for here or to go?"

 (only those in The Right will get dessert.)

  I'm on The left, no desert, but can I have an after dindin smoke???

   john

>    More likely a before dinna smoke!

 			... if ya wanna chow *that* much food!

    The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me 
    one with everything".
    
    
    Just in case . . .
    
    Dalai Lama - spiritual head of Lamaisam

College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.


Marriage is an institution... but who wants to spend thier life in an 
institution?


Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild ?  The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild


When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?


The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that
1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.


IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.


Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
 
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
   of the way.


How did the computer scientist die in the shower?
 
He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

   GGgggrrrooooooaaaaannnnnnnnnnnn,

  Hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahahahaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa


     ;-)

     john

    
    DC - is this the distasteful past :-)  :-)
    
    c

 
			DARKNESS, BE GONE !
 
	For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted
light.  However, recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric
headlight bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we will
call these bulbs DARK SUCKERS.  The Dark Sucker Theory proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light,
and that dark is faster than light.
 
	The BASIS OF THE DARK SUCKER THEORY is that electric bulbs
suck dark.  Take for example the dark suckers in the room where
you are.  There is less dark right next to them than there is
elesewhere.  The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity
to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater
capacity than the ones in this room.  As with all things, dark suckers
don't last forever.  Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck.  This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.
 
	A CANDLE IS A PRIMITIVE DARK SUCKER.  A new candle has a
white wick.  You will notice that after first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If
you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip
will turn black, because it got in the way of the dark flowing into
the candle.  Unfortunately, these primitve dark suckers have a very 
limited range.
 
	There are also PORTABLE DARK SUCKERS.  The bulbs in these
can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by dark
storage unit(s) in the handle.  When the dark storage unit is full,
it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark
sucker can operate again.
 
	DARK HAS MASS:  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction
from this mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an
operating dark sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the
dark must travel into the solid wick, instead of through glass.  This
generates a great amount of heat.  Thus, it can be very dangerous to
touch an operating candle.
 
DARK IS ALSO HEAVIER THAN LIGHT:  If you go swimming, just below the
surface of a lake you will see a lot of light.  If you swim deeper
and deeper, you notice it slowly gets darker and darker.  When you
reach a depth of approximately 50 feet, you are in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and
the lighter dark floats to the top.
 
	The IMMENSE POWER OF DARK can be utilized to man's advantage.
We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes, and
push it through turbines which generate electricity and helps push
dark to the ocean where it may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines,
it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to
the ocean.  The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve
it.  When on a river, in a canoe, traveling in the same direction as
the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of
dark; but when they traveled against the dark, they paddled quickly,
so as to help push the dark along its way.
 
	Finally, we must prove that DARK IS FASTER THAN LIGHT.  If you
were to stand in an illuminated room on front of a closed, dark closet,
then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter
the closet; but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to
see the dark leave the closet.
 
	In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all
our lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb,
remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.
 
 
	Credit to Randy Meers, Doug Dahlke, and Denny Goodrich.
 

    why do i get the feeling that Jerry has been listening to "in the dark"
    too much lately??????
    
    			da ve_who_isn't_being_suckered

What's the difference between an Instructor and a Proctologist?












The Proctologist only has to look at one at a time!

    
    What do you call five hundred Indians who have no apples?
    
    Indianapolis 500 
    
    tadadahhh  -  

Type NEXT UNSEEN if you are offended by bad jokes.  My apologies to those of
you using DECwindows Notes.


What do you call a prostitute's kids?


Brothel Sprouts.

    From National Lampoon's True Facts Calendar-
    
    52 year old Roseann Greco recently drew a 15 year sentence for the 1985
    murer of her husband, Felix, in the driveway of their Long Island,
    N.Y., home.  She has repeatedly rammed him with their family car. 
    Greco was found competent to stand trial despite her insistence that
    she had actually killed Mickey Mouse, the Disney cartoon character, who
    she believed had taken over her husband's body.
    

    
    Is reality getting surreal or what?  This is almost as strange as the
    story about the woman in Texas who hired a hit man to kill her thirteen
    year old daughter's cheerleading rival so the girl would be over come
    with grief and drop out of the cheerleading tournament .. 
    
    Anyone remember the lyrics to Gomorrah?
    
    Mary

re < Note 104.51 by AD::VAUK "love will see you through" >

I guess if she actually believed it was WRONG to kill Mickey, then she should
be judged competent.  I think Walt would've agreed.

- Dave

	here's a typical 9 year old's joke for you - I think you
	guys qualify ;-)

	you know how when you look at a formation of geese flying
	overhead, one side of the V is always longer than the other?
	Do you know why that is?

	Because there's more geese on that side

Re -.1

That's good.  I'll have to tell that to my five year old.

I heard the other day that Jim Bakker attempted to break out of prison, but
that the attempt was thwarted when he stopped in front of a surveilance camera
to ask for money.

/Mike

    :-)

(Kinda ironic this is making the rounds, seeing as The Sun just recently
 reported that NASA has discovered a Ford pickup truck floating in space.  The
 truck, by the way, was still running, and had a few beer cans and a shotgun
 inside.  NASA denies the discovery; it was uncovered by a "European space
 agency.")

- Dave

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

<multiple forwards deleted>

The following message was written by a couple of guys at the University of
Dayton.  Unfortunately, they don't have access to News.  But it would be a
pity if this wasn't shared with with world.  (their permission was given, of
course)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

        Recently I have been pestered with a series of deeply scientific
questions...All evolving out of the age old question.....

        If you're driving at the speed of Light and you turn your headlights
                on..What happens?

These were quickly followed by

        If you're driving at the speed of light and you.....

                ...Turn your radio on....What station do you get?
                ...Hit an on-coming freight train....
                ...Stick your head out the window....
                ...Turn on the windshield washer jets....
                ...Honk your horn....
                ...Downshift into first....

        These are all fascinating (and deeply disturbed) questions.  But let
us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin
to unravel these age-old mysteries...WHEN SUDDENLY...You are faced with an even
more dreadful question

        If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by
                an Oakwood Taxi-cop....What kind of fine are you gonna pay???

        And believe me you are gonna pay....He ain't gonna buy the line..

"669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!"

        And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you
were going......."Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son."
        After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found
that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit

        So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would
be charged
                $669,599,965  + a $33 court fee =  $669,599,998

        This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation,
not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood
cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk.  Oakwood is roughly 2
miles across....You'd be out of his jurisdiction in 0.00001 Seconds)

        A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed.  You'd
flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053
seconds.   I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at
the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern.

        But just think....you'll be able to answer all those complicated
questions....Be the first to own a light-speed car.....Honest, it was only
driven on Sundays by a little old lady who had to get to Epsilon Indi and back.


                                                        --Jason
                                        <SEIFERJC@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU>



        Continuing along the line of Jason's scientific inquiry, what
happens when you are going light speed in reverse and...

                ...turn on your headlights...
                ...look in the rear-view mirror...
             ...just barely avoid a car doing light speed the other direction...
                ...honk the horn...
                ...have to parallel park...
                ...shift into first...

Which also brings up the question...could you get away with looking in the
rear-view mirror, or would you have to turn around?

                --BastarMa
              <VOGTTIMJ@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU>

--
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    
    It was a ford? :-)
    
    I'm glad it wasn't a Japanese model..  
    
    Somehow an American truck with a shotgun in the cab sounds just about
    right... the only way to fly. :-)
    
    Mary

    if you are sick of Iraqi jokes, press next unseen....  otherwise
    return...
    
    
    	how do you break up an Iraqi bingo game???
    
    
    
    	call out "B - 52!"
    
    

    if you are sick of Iraqi jokes, press next unseen....  otherwise
    return...
    
    
		Did you hear about the new Beer?

		Scud Light...

		It doesn't fill you up because it never hits the spot

		:-):-)    
    

Why did the invisible man look in the mirror?



To make sure he still wasn't there.

 just heard that Sadam killed his wife

 




   caught her drinking a Bush beer.

{forwarding headers removed}

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
 It is a unique profession and, by golly, I hope that when they go into the
 teaching field they do have that zeal and they do have that mission and
 they do believe in teaching our kids."

			-- Vice President Daniel Quayle
			   at the Hudson Institute
			   (as quoted in _The Washington Post_)

golly gee willigars there bob you're right, I haven't heard anyone use
that phrase in years!  ;^)

    
    And where is the Hudson Institute - may I ask
    
    Carol_in_one_of_the_Hudsons
    

<forwards deleted>

^ In article <1991Feb12.014609.2993@mintaka.lcs.mit.edu>,
^ metcalf@masala.lcs.mit.edu (Chris Metcalf) writes:
^ > As we all know, the number 666 has great mystic significance as the
^ > Number of the Beast.  Furthermore, the number 3 also frequently plays
^ > an important role in magic of all kinds.  This Friday sees the
^ > terrifying combination of these two powerful numbers:  on Friday at
^ > 8:11:06 PM all the Unix machines in the world will register 666,666,666
^ > seconds since the start of Unix time.
^ > 
^ > Maybe it's time to do those system backups, folks!
^ > 
^ > Chris Metcalf
^ > :-)
^ > --
^ > 			Chris Metcalf --- MIT Laboratory for Computer 
Science
^ > 			email to metcalf@lcs.mit.edu, or phone (617) 
253-7766

      God called a meeting yesterday with Gorbachev, George Busch, and Ken
    Olsen to tell them he had had it with the world and their problems and
    was going to end the whole mess in two weeks.
    
     Gorbachev went back to the Politboro and told them he had good news
    and bad news ---"There IS a God and he's going to end the world in two
    weeks"
    
     Busch went back to Congress and told them he had good news and bad
    news ---"The good news is there IS a God, and the bad news is he's
    going to end the world in two weeks"
    
     Ken Olsen went back to the Exectutive Committee and told them he had
    great news ---"First there IS a God (which I knew all the time), and
    second, our reorganization will be complete in two weeks".

        A magician working on a small cruise ship has been doing his
    routines every night for a year or two now. The audience changes often
    enough so that he doesn't have to worry too much about new tricks.
    However, there's a parrot who sits in the back row and watches him
    night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out 
    how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For
    example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the 
    parrot squawks, "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician
    got really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot
    belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.
    
      One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to
    swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting
    on the other end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift.
    They drift for three days and still don't speak. On the morning of the
    fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says.......
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
      "Okay, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

    Re: Parrot Joke
    
    HAHAHHAHAHA!!  funny one

         <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
================================================================================
Note 654.0                       Cleveland Rocks                      No replies
RT3::FITZPATRICK "Dave FitzPatrick BUO/E36 249-4621" 99 lines  17-FEB-1991 11:14
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry
Subject: CHECKING ON THE PROGRESS OF CLEVELAND'S ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME
Message-ID: <UFEA-barry_225@clarinet.com>
Date: 17 Feb 91 00:04:13 GMT
Lines: 85
Approved: clarinews@clarinet.com
ACategory: lifestyle
Slugword: barry
Priority: advance
ANPA: Wc: 911; Id: z0336; Sel: tw--q; Adate: 02/17-1aed
Note: (EDITORS: Dave requests that you NOT change rock AND roll throughout.
 )
 
DAVE BARRY
	
	(EDITORS: Dave requests that you NOT change rock AND roll throughout.
)
	In view of the many disturbing events on the international scene, I
recently decided that it was my duty, as a journalist, to visit
Cleveland. My objective was to find out how they're coming along with
the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You ``hep cats'' out there may remember
that back in 1986 there was a competition to see which city would be the
site of the Hall, and Cleveland won an upset victory over cities more
associated in the public mind with the entertainment industry, such as
New York, Los Angeles, Tehran, etc.
	At the time, a lot of people were surprised. ``CLEVELAND?'' they
said, in the same tone of voice they would later use to say, ``QUAYLE?''
Because let's face it, Cleveland has an image problem, largely because
of the city's own inferiority complex, as reflected in its official
motto (``Cleveland: What's The Point?''). But it just so happens that
Cleveland has a strong claim to being the Birthplace of Rock. Consider
these facts:
	-- The very term ``Rock and Roll'' was invented in Cleveland in 1704
by the famous exploring group of Lewis and Clark, who later recorded
``My Boyfriend's Back.''
	-- The Beatles came from Cleveland.
	-- Near the end there, Elvis was almost as big as Cleveland.
	Anyway, the critics who scoffed at Cleveland in 1986 are eating their
words today, because the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has turned out to be
a raging success, with only one minor kink remaining to be ironed out,
namely that the Hall does not, in a physical sense, exist. There is,
however, a real nice model of it, about the size of a harmonica, in the
Hall of Fame office, which is located in a downtown Cleveland building.
	I visited the office, and it wasn't what I expected. I expected it to
be staffed by funky long-haired tattooed jitterbugging degenerates
engaged in rock-and-roll-style office activities such as singing into
their Dictaphones, painting peace symbols on their faces with correction
fluid, smoking typewriter ribbons and writing interoffice memos that had
choruses, like:
	``Whoa sweet thing, you look so unbelievable
	I just GOT to get into your accounts receivable.''
	But in fact the Hall of Fame office was very businesslike. The staff
consisted of a secretary and a director, Larry Thompson, a 43-year-old
suit-wearing short-haired attorney who told me that he never, not even
in the '60s, played in a rock band. I believe he is one of only two 43-
year-old men in the country who can make that statement, the other one
being the Vice President. Thompson was cordial but businesslike; the
closest he came to really cutting loose was when he described his
reaction to being offered the director's job.
	``I said, `Good golly, Miss Molly,''' he recalled.
	Thompson said that the Hall of Fame had some problems in the early
years but is now moving briskly ahead, with $44 million in donations and
a site on scenic Lake Erie (motto: ``Contains Some Actual Water''). They
hope to break ground later this year for a building designed by noted
rock-and-roll architect I.M. ``Skeeter'' Pei. Thompson said the building
will include a museum containing important rock artifacts, such as the
lyrics to ``Purple Haze'' in Jimi Hendrix's actual handwriting.
	I asked Thompson if the whole project wasn't sort of contradictory --
to have a formal museum dedicated to a kind of music whose major
historical moments tended to involve wide-pupiled men dropping their
pants on the stages of municipal stadiums. But Thompson said the
exhibits will serve an important education function.
	``Younger people today don't understand anything about the roots of
rock and roll,'' he pointed out.
	Isn't THAT the truth. My 10-year-old son spends hours in his room
listening to ``rap'' music, a proven killer of brain cells. ``Robert!''
I tell him. ``Stop listening to that trash! Come out here and listen to
`Louie Louie!'''
	Speaking of songs with mysterious lyrics, Thompson said there will be
archives at the Hall of Fame, so that scholars will be able to come and
study academic rock-and-roll issues. I'm very excited about this,
because some questions have been bothering me for years, such as: What,
exactly, do the Beach Boys sing in the first line of ``Help Me Rhonda''?
This is the line that goes, ``Well since she put me down (something
something).'' What it sounds like to me is:
	``Well since she put me down,
	There've been owls puking in my bed.''
	But this seems unlikely. I mean, you could imagine owls showing up in
the beds of some bands, particularly the early Stones. You could even
imagine small HORSES. But not with the Beach Boys. So this is a question
I would definitely like to see some rock scholar clear up. Another one
is: In the song ``Land of 1,000 Dances,'' what do Cannibal and the
Headhunters really MEAN when they sing, quote, ``I said a na, na na na
na, na na na na, na na na, na na na, na nana na''? This has bothered me
for years. You know what I mean? You do? Pass me that typewriter ribbon.
	
	(C) 1991 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

 
        Friend of the Donut
        apologies to Jerry Garcia and Robert Hunter
 
I went to the Dunkin Donuts
I was trailed by twenty pounds
Didn't get to eat that night
Till the food truck came around
I set out hungry
But I'm takin my time
A friend of the Donut is a friend of mine
If I get home 'fore suppertime
I just might get some eats tonight
 
Ran into the banker and grabbed me 20 bills
spent it all on tinkies and ate them in the hills
I sat there munchin till I ate me tie
A friend of the Donut is a friend of mine
If I get cinnamon in my eye 
I think that I'll just die, tonight
 
 
I ran down to the baker
and got a cruller there
He took my twenty dollar bill
And showed me the list of fare
I walked out munchin
And I'm feeling fine
A friend of the Donut is a friend of mine
If I get home and find some pie
I'll have a big time feast tonight
 
Got two reasons why I lie awake most every night
First ones named sweet Boston Cream
And she make my taste buds crie
Second one is muffins, babe
With cream cheese by the pail
And if I eat a dozen more
I'll look just like a whale
 
Got a fridge in Chino
And one in Tennessee
I pay a man some money
And he keeps'em stocked for me
I sit there munchin
And I take my time
A friend of the Donut is a friend of mine
If I get rolls 'fore suppertime
I'll eat them to my hearts delight

    :-)

Why did the little girl blush when she opened the refridgerator?



She saw the salad dressing!

	re -.2, 

	do you know who wrote that?  Was it Elliot Sowadkski (works at Xerox
	or at least used to a coupla years ago) ?

	It looks like his kind of handiwork... a few years ago he rewrote
	"Stella Blue" in a simular vein.

	Josh

    
>	do you know who wrote that?  Was it Elliot Sowadkski (works at Xerox
>	or at least used to a coupla years ago) ?
    
    It was posted by rbalko@cbnewsk.att.com (robert.a.balko)
    
    Happy Cheese-
    Jerry

re:  <<< Note 104.76 by BARFLY::BELKIN "the slow one now will later be fast" >>>

>	do you know who wrote that?  Was it Elliot Sowadkski (works at Xerox
>	or at least used to a coupla years ago) ?

Elliot works for Nexgen now.  It's a startup.

peace,
t!ng

    
                Top 10 Ways to Know Your S&L is in Trouble
    
    
    10.  The armored vehicle picking up the daily deposits is a pink
         Cadillac with vanity plates.
    
    9.   Tellers sob uncontrollably when you make a withdrawal.
    
    8.	 The branch manager has personally autographed photos of Mike
         Milken and Ivan Boesky on his desk.
    
    7.	 The new program of 10, 15, 20 and 30 day home mortgages.
    
    6.	 Heavy use of the term "juice" instead of interest rates.
    
    5.	 The loan officer asks applicants who they like in the third race
    	 at Pimlico.
    
    4.   Office chit chat around the water cooler dwells on what countries
    	 have extradition treaties with the United States.
    
    3.   The bank president's bumper sticker reads:  "COMMERCIAL REAL
    	 ESTATE HAPPENS".
    
    2.   The ATM is also a video poker game.
    
    1.   The signs at every teller's window:  ASK ME ABOUT 3-CARD MONTE.
    
    

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Right where you left him :-)
    
    							/
    

    HAHAHAH!!!
    

    what do you do with a dog that has no legs???
    
    
    
    take him/her/it out for a drag....
    
    
    				da ve

    What do you call a dog with no legs?
    
     Nothing, he wont come anyway!

Article         2368
From: stevec@bu-pub.bu.edu (Steve Connelly)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: cyberpunk parody
Date: 28 Feb 91 11:30:04 GMT
 
 
NOTE: This story originally appeared in alt.cyberpunk.chatsubo, a group whose
postings are stories that take place in a virtual dystopia of high tech and 
street violence in the vein of William Gibson's novel, `Neuromancer'....
 
 
			   The Guru of News
			   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
	I had logged myself into the computer-generated bar room as a little, 
furry, harmless dog.  I didn't want trouble.  I needed to read the 
X Windows/Motif 1.1 manual, so I came to the bar and asked Ratz to fix the 
documentation data in liquid form for me.  It made a bitter, painful drink, but
it was better than spending days turning pages in realspace.
	Ratz put a bucket of liquid in front of me.  
	"I wanted a glass of docs, Ratz.  What the hell is this?" I barked.
	"Motif don't fit in a glass anymore," he barked back.
	I looked at the liquid.  It was totally opaque to me.
	Then someone yelled.  The surveillance screen had identified an 
attacker.  We had three seconds before it got to the bar. Everyone ducked 
under the furniture and pulled weapons.  Since I was too small a target to 
register, I just sat back and watched the action.
	A Hunter-Killer blew a hole in the wall right next to the doorless
doorway.  This Killer used spells instead of weapons.  The design was humanoid,
but oxidation of the copper skin had turned it green.  It wore black robes and 
a cone-shaped, aerodynamic black hat.
	It raised its broomstick to let fly some more pyro, but then it was 
crushed by a farm house that fell from the sky.  
	Nobody moved.  A young girl reluctantly stepped out of the house, her
eyes wide.  She wasn't in streetware, just a frilly dress and pigtails.  Not 
your typical annihilatrix.  As a matter of fact, she was a sweet piece, young 
and fresh.  I decided I might like to cut myself a slice of this action.  I 
jumped off my bar stool, looked cute, trotted over and jumped up into her arms.
She caught me and started petting me.  She said, "Doggie, it doesn't look like 
we're dialed into Kansas Public Access Unix anymore."
	Then a tall angular woman came out from under cover.  She wore battle 
leathers, chain mail, knee-high boots, and steel blue op-implants.  Her 
fingerknives were just retracting back under her flesh and her back-ratcheting 
Harley-Bronson chain gun was spinning down.
	The new girl obviously hadn't seen a razorgirl before, and she held me 
tight to her bosom.  This was working out well for me.
	The razorqueen said, "Christ!  You dusted an HK!  That was the 
Hokusai-Sendai Witch of the Far East, their best magic weaver.  What're you 
packin', sister?"
	"Who are you?" my girl asked.
	"You don't know?  I synthesized the geometry for this bar.  I'm 
Liralen Li, the Good Witch of the Pacific Northwest."  She shouted to everyone 
else that it was safe, and the other customers came out from hiding.  The 
visitor was astonished by the many dwarves that had been in hiding.  Liralen 
explained, "They're bonsai ninja, you know, a strain of samurai engineered to 
grow small like bonsai trees.  They're very quiet and can hide anywhere.  
You're not from around here, are you, sister?"
	"No.  But a while ago I jacked into the system and now I can't get
out.  I'm stuck in the cyberspace."
	Stuck?  That's weird, I thought.  I was close enough to her construct 
that I could follow her connection back to its realspace origin.  She had 
jacked into a simple simulation called `Preparing Your Home for a Natural 
Disaster', but now she was flatlining.  The contents of her mind had been 
sucked into the matrix.  If she got killed in virtual space, there'll be no 
mind left for real space.
	"What are you called?" Liralen asked her.  "I don't mean true name, 
I mean virtual name, battle name."
	"Battle name?  I don't have one."
	"In that case, warrior," Liralen smiled, "We shall call you Ruby."
	Why `Ruby'?, I wondered.  A ruby is red like a cherry, so a ruby is 
a cherry that that will never be broken.  Oh no, is my new girl a ruby?
	Someone yelled, "Attacker rezzing up!"  Tables were again overturned
and weapons were ready to spit a hundred mercury-filled copper-jacketed
hollowpoints at the cloudy entity taking shape in the center of the room.  
The cloud congealed into an identical sister of the crushed Killer.  Instead of
hitting us with bio-lysis vectors, the Killer went straight for the crushed 
sister.  It tried to take some shimmering, polished red shoes off the dead 
legs.  But the shoes disappeared from the crushed witch, which derezzed.  The 
treads appeared on Ruby.  
	Liralen smirked, "To the victor go the spoils.  The new chick becomes
owner of the dead hag's functionality, and only owner has `execute' 
privileges."
	The witch screeched, "Give me those slippers."  She reached for the 
girl's legs but Liralen had slapped a serious non-intrusion field on them that 
fried the witch's fingers.  The witch retreated.  While scanning herself out 
of the bar, she screamed, "The ruby slippers will be mine.  I'll get you, my 
pretty.  And your little dog, too!"  
	Suck broomstick, bullet head.
	Ruby asked Liralen how she could get out of the matrix.  She didn't
know, but she knew the shoes were powerful enough to provide an answer.  "The 
rubies refract the optical data so that it's accessible holographically, and 
it operates at exactly one wavelength so that with simple harmonics the signal
is maintained by constructive interference.  But I can't figure out how they're
modulated externally...."  She assured us that the witch couldn't use their 
power while Ruby wore them.  She had heard of an expert on cyberspace, an 
entity called the Guru of News, who resided at the terminating node of 
YelloNet.  People claimed he was the greatest computer mind imaginable....
 
	I went with the babe along YelloNet.  If I helped her, maybe she'd give
up some of the goodies.  She seemed attracted to me.  It helps to be hairy 
like a foreign guy.  
	I led the way.  She was clueless, which is just how I like them.  An 
old-fashioned girl.  You don't see many like her on the network.  Most of the 
chicks I see, with their razornails, retracting fangs, and strychnine-tipped 
barbed pubic wire, they're just so... independent.
	For some reason, Ruby decided to make friends with every skin job and
genetic fuckup on YelloNet.  First, we met an herbanoid, a genetic experiment
that involved a vegetative covering over a human head and bodily armature, 
creating a warrior who could survive on nothing but sunlight and water.  He 
told Ruby how badly he needed a brain augmentation.  Like who doesn't.  But my 
chick thought the Guru of News could help him, so he joined us.  I wondered if
barley dick was making a play for my woman, but it was okay.  This chummer 
wasn't too bright, and he had mega problems with his locomotor mechanicals.
	The three of us came upon a guy with the sorriest prosthetic body armor
job I've ever seen.  He was a total makeover; only the brain was original
equipment.  He didn't even have a synthflesh covering, just plain uncontoured 
titanium-beryllium.  He told the chick he desperately wanted emotion implants, 
and she invited him along.  I had metal head take the point, since he'd made
us a radar hot spot.
	The four of us encountered a lion who was in an advanced stage of
chemical intellect enhancement.  He walked upright and could speak.  He had
the hyper-wants for fear blockers to be included in the hormone treatments so 
he'd be bad enough to head-honch his burgh.  The lion needed the disinhibitors,
and some hype wouldn't hurt either; he wasn't the type who would cover your 
back in a face-off with a bunch of BronxSprawl hyenaboys.  Naturally, my 
chick suggested he go with us to the Guru of News.
 
	We finally got to the YelloNet terminus, where there was serious 
graphics, including a huge gleaming green tower and walls enclosing an entire 
city.  Everything was green;  I wondered if that meant the cyberjock behind it 
had access to EPA computer banks, or maybe Federal Reserve computers....
	There was a phasic defense layer.  The ruby slippers cracked it in a 
second, but I didn't know how.  
	We were welcomed into their system.  The chick was impressed by some
horse with real-time setcolor.  Big deal.  The happy natives enhanced our 
visuals, and we went to the big interface.
	We entered a huge vaulted cathedral.  At the front was an altar, a
construct of the Guru of News.  From the haze emerged two glowering hollow eyes
suspended above an angry mouth.  He had cyberspace abilities ultra deluxe, and 
the attitude to match.  I tried to get close enough to trace his connection 
back, but flames shot up from the altar and booming aurals pushed us away.  
	We told him what we needed.  We offered to pay him, but he said he did
not take money.  No money?  His chariot was definitely pulled by Federal 
Reserve horses.  The Guru said that he would magically appear and give us what 
we wanted as soon as we snagged the source of the witch's power, her 
broomstick.  If I'd had a humanoid construct, I would've asked him if he was 
outa his fuckin' mind.  But, like I said, I didn't want trouble.
	We left the emerald construct and wandered the matrix, more clueless 
than ever.  Everyone was frightened of what virtual beasts they may encounter.
Did they think about what it would be like to jack out and find that the witch 
had nulled your credit chip?  How about if the witch fingered you as a 
compatible neuron donor to be used for spare parts in the brain rejuvenation 
of an impossibly rich German technomogul? 
	We soon found something to agree on fearing.  I recognized the witch's
armada of chimpanzees, soggy with evolution accelerators and operating 
implanted wings with control taps in the spinal cord.  It was FTP, the Flying 
Transportation Primates.  They swooped down and picked us off the ground, and 
in seconds all our data had been transferred into the witch's camp.
 
	Surrounded by the witch's armed minions, we were marched back to 
the bar room where we started.  As the mindless guards marched, they chanted 
in hex, "...Oh Eee Oh, Oh One...."  
	We came to bar room's defense surveillance screen.  The guards stayed 
behind while the witch walked us five prisoners into the bar room.  
	When we entered the room, there was no sign of life except for the
laser sights wandering like 2D lightning bugs over the witch's robes.  
	The witch shouted, "Liralen Li, I've come to make a deal.  Take your 
force field off the ruby slippers and change their protection so that both you 
and I have group access.  Then both of us can learn the powers of the slippers.
Otherwise the white girl is toast."
	From her hiding place, Liralen muttered, "If she kills the flatlining
chick, it's real death, not just virtual.  I'm feeling a pang of compassion;
I thought I had all that removed surgically.  Besides, the ruby slippers are 
complex; by the time the witch learns how they work, maybe I'll have learned 
to use them too."  She came out from her cover.  "Ok, hag, I'll do biz.  As 
of now, we both have access to the treads.  Now free the girl and go get a nose
job."
	But the witch did not leave.  Red laser light spread from the shoes 
throughout the room.  It heated all metal objects until they glowed.  Leather 
and skin seared, and guns, arrows, shinjuki, razorfrisbees, shields, and darts 
hit the floor.  
	The light subsided, giving way to the witch's rasping cackle.  
	Liralen growled, "The bitch already knows how to use the slippers!"
She lunged toward the slippers, but the witch's new defense screen bounced her 
back.
	"Careful, Liralen," the witch smarmed, "I wouldn't want you to hurt 
yourself before I can torture you.  The ruby slippers have several forms of 
torture, accessible via a simple interface involving the clicking of the 
heels."  The witch lectured while the rest of us prayed to virtual gods, who 
sent down virtual answers.  "For instance, a single heel click would turn your 
face inside-out and then splash you with aftershave.  A double click would 
fill each neuron cell body with Drano.  On the other hand, three clicks forces 
a jack out to realspace.  This is intriguing, as it would allow me to jack my 
mind into your realspace body, overwriting your mind...."
	Liralen cowered on the floor, powerless.  "I gave her the ruby 
slippers on a silver platter," she muttered.  "I'm a cyberputz...."
	Ruby was clicking her heels together, but nothing happened.  The witch 
shook her head in pity.  "It appears you don't have access to the interface, 
my pretty."
	The girl squealed thinly, "You're a terrible, horrible person."  She
picked up my bucket of Motif documentation liquid and threw it on the witch.
	Obviously, this didn't do anything.  
	The witch was omnipotent, she'd had terminal PMS even before she was 
soaked with my bucket, and I was a small defenseless dog.  Perfect.  Just 
perfect.
	The witch screeched to the girl, "That was foolish.  I'm inclined to 
move the floorboards under your feet and perform a single heel click."  The 
purple of rage was showing through the green skin.  "You know what one click
could do to your cute little dog's head?  Huh?  In a text widget with default
translations, one click would grab the keyboard focus and begin appending 
characters to the inter-client clipboard's primary selection buffer.  That's 
what it would do!"
	The bonsai ninja looked at each other quizzically.  The witch's brow 
furrowed for a moment, but then was rejuvenated with rage.  "Forget one heel 
click.  Let me remind you of the exquisite agony of two heel clicks?  Two 
clicks in the command history list of a command widget would remove the first 
item from the history list if it has XmNhistoryMaxItems items, append the
selected list item to the history buffer, and clear the command edit what the
fuck'm I talking about?"
	Liralen murmured, "It's Motif.  She's confusing her interface with
a Motif interface - "
	"Quiet!  I am still omnipotent!" the witch cried.  "You are nothing.
You are all but subwidgets in a composite container whose logical tab group I 
have registered the traversal order of.  I can merely point at you and your
popup dialogue will be unmapped unless XmNautoUnmanage is False."
	She collapsed to her knees.  "Help me.  I'm becoming a Motif dweeb." 
She begged, "Couldn't you have just poured something on me that would have 
melted me to an agonizing death...?"  
	It was such a pitiful sight that we would have helped her if we could.
But it was too late.  The complexity, the obscurity, the pettiness, the fact
that XmNcolumns and XmNnumColumns do the same thing but they're different but
there's no message if you use the wrong one, they had already claimed her.
	
	Ruby picked up the witch's broomstick.  Immediately the far wall of 
the room gave way to enormous, flaming, gleaming, boundless, angry visage of 
the Guru of News.  The room was zonked out on awe.
	"You have completed your task," the voice echoed, "and you shall now 
be given that for which you have asked.  However, I should point out that these
gifts are given on an `as is' basis, without warranty of any kind, either 
expressed or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of 
merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose...."
	I'd had enough of this clown.  While he droned on, I traced his
connection back and put his realspace facade on the bar's monitor.  
	He was little dumpy guy with long hair like spanish moss, typing his
dialogue feverishly into an Emacs window. 
	The big eyes of the Guru's construct swung to the monitor.  The voice
boomed "What?  Um.  Pay no attention to the man on the monitor.  I am the great
and powerful Guru.  My forces are legion.  My privileges are super.  My power 
is limited only by FCC EM requirements.  Oh, dear...."
	Everybody ignored the flaming altar and turned to the monitor.  The 
imposing face on the altar derezzed.  
	The Guru appeared as a likeness of himself, in jeans, keds, and a 
black szechuan-stained Grateful Dead tee-shirt.
	Ruby walked up to him.  "You're not a mongo network hack at all.  
You've got no jack, not even a datasuit and sens-phones.  And you've got no 
graphics throw.  Why are you the Guru of News?"
	"Actually," he said, "I'm the Guru of Gnu's.  I write programs, but I 
don't do much with networks and cyberspace and such.  The face you saw is, um, 
just a semi-colon and a left parenthesis, in a very large font.  And my city 
was all green because I only have enough throughput to render in one color 
channel."
	The girl said, "You can't help us at all!  We should strip you, put 
steak sauce on your balls, and give you to the doberwomen."
	Liralen whispered, "The chick learns fast...."
	The guru blubbered, "I can give you all what you desire.  Just as I
promised...."  
	He slapped his hand on the leafy shoulder of the plant-human hybrid.  
"My friend, you desire a greater brain.  The greatest geniuses have no more 
brains than you, but they do have one thing you don't have.  A Next Machine."  
The guru placed on the table a black cube with monitor and keyboard.  The 
machine began to play `Pomp and Circumstance'.  The hybrid caressed the black
cube gently, like he was an ape in 2001.  "Now you can pretend to know the 
Oxford English Dictionary, the works of Shakespeare, and, with Mathematica, 
you can solve any equation."
	  The hybrid typed "2 + 2" on the Mathematica command line.  The
Next Machine ran a multi-grid iterative Jacobian relaxation with accelerated 
annealing and in minutes printed out the answer "3.9999999999999".  The crowd 
applauded and the hybrid stood proud.
	The guru stepped over to the guy with the unmolded titanium skin.  
"You, sir, seek greater emotion.  The deepest and most compassionate people
have no more capacity for emotion than you, but they do have something you
don't have.  A subscription to alt.callahans, the InterNet therapy group."
	A tear came to the metallic man's eye.  "I haven't even read the first
posting, and I'm already so overwhelmed with sincerity and mutual support that 
I could puke."
	The guru addressed the partly-sentient lion.  "You desire the courage
that will provoke fear in your opponents.  Some people are feared by all, 
and yet they are physically less forbidding than you.  Their secret is that 
they talk only through newsgroups so that they can insult people without 
getting beat up."  The guru moved to the remnants of his emerald altar.  "My 
dear friend, I bequeath to you this altar, which, as you have seen, can create 
large flames out of nothing at all.  If you post these flames frequently on 
rec.arts.sf-lovers, then news readers will come to fear your wrath and 
probably leave the group entirely."
	The lion touched the altar and a flame jumped up.  He turned to
the crowd, raised a finger, and said rigidly, "It is intuitively obvious to 
the most casual observer that my esteemed colleague's idea is absurd both in 
theory and in practice."  The crowd applauded him.  He said, "Hey, I insulted 
an innocent stranger, and I have no idea what I'm talking about.  This is 
great!"
	The guru then offered to help Ruby.  Since he was jacking out of the 
matrix, he would take the girl with him.  However, the guru really wasn't a 
slick cyberspace jockey, and he lost the symbolic link to the chick.  However,
Liralen had back-engineered the interface to the ruby slippers.  Chanting the 
mantra that Liralen suggested, the girl clicked her heels three times and left
the matrix cleanly.  Her mind was loaded back into her realspace brain, and 
brainwave activity returned to normal.
 
	The girl, me, and the three mutants would become successful in the 
children's simul-stimul biz.  The girl filled out and was my main squeeze for 
a while.  Then she got into leather, shaved her head, had her eyes pierced, and
left me for a hyper-testosterated message bouncer.
 
	I talked to the lion recently.  He's permanently lit up on hype, 
chicks, and credit these days.  He said he had a new virtual reality scam 
involving a witch and a wardrobe.  I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

    Ah Dave.. that was GREAT! :-)
    
    me

    Had a lotta recent experience in this field lately, so...
    
    
    Biologists have switched from laboratory mice to lawyers for their
    laboratory experiments because:
    
    a.) lawyers are far more plentiful than mice
    
    b.) the laboratory assistants don't get as attached to lawyers as they
    do to mice
    
    c.) there are some things you just can't get mice to do
    
    d.) there are some things that you just can't do to mice
    
    e.) all of the above
    
    
    
    Why do barracudas never attack lawyers?
    
    Professional courtesy.
    

	Excellent, Dave!  I've read all the Gibson cyberpunk stuff - now I
	wanna suscribe to that newsgroup!

	got anymore stuff like that?

	Josh

Hi Josh,

I just subscribed myself.  I look forward to more stuff like this.  

		Dave

......forwards deleted.


			    The Way It Is


			    Warner/Davis



  Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an
ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious
beings called Users.  

   He was quite frantic.  He was having trouble running a program
through the computer, and him message was clear enough, although rather
ill-conceived: "MY FILES ARE FULL!"

   I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to him, "Really now,
Mr. Butterman, I don't have time for this."  I slowly exhaled the
menthol vapors as I stopped his process, crushing any hope he may have
had of ever again seeing that document he had spent three hours slaving
over.

   "I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready
in an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type...
it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"

   "No point.  Just press return."

   "Oh my, it wants my username.  Can I restart that where I left off?"

  "Not a chance."  I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside.
It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining
complaint sessions, heads were gonna roll.  Where do you people GET this
stuff?  I'm going to tell you what's really going on here.  Now LISTEN
UP.  I'm not going over this a second time:


Computer		The black box that does your work for you. That's
			all you need to know.

Response Time		Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured
			in calendar months.  The general rule is:
			Shut up your complaining about response time.

Hardware		See "Computer."  Again, not your concern.

Software		If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it,
			otherwise, leave us alone.

Network			Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it.  Use
			it to send mail among your half-wit selves,
			and don't think we won't read it all.  What do
			you think we do all day?  By the way, Butterman...
			shame about your mother's pancreas.

Data			The general rule is:  Don't use any data files
			and if you find any, delete them before I find
			out about them.  In fact, just stay off the computer.
			(See "Response Time")

System Crash		Don't ever call the system manager to tell him
			you think the computer is down.  Don't call him
			to ask him when it will be up again.  The more you
			bother him, the longer it takes.

Downtime		Like I said, don't ask.

Uptime			Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out
			of my face.

Overtime		Don't be ridiculous.

Vacation		A time during which I don't have to put up with
			your sniveling.  Don't try calling.  There's no
			point.

Computer Room		Keep out, you're not invited.  Don't knock on
			the door - don't even think about it.  I broke
			the phone last time one of you jerks called me,
			and I'm not about to replace it.  And keep your
			greasy fingers off the windows.

My Office		The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.

Your Problems		Not my concern.

Deadlines		The general rule is:  Deadlines are not acknowledged
			by me; they're not my responsibility.  Go tell
			somebody who cares.

Maintenance		a) A Valid reason for shutting down the system at
			   any time
			b) Much more important than anything any of you
			   bozos do.
			c) Anything I choose to call maintenance.

Software Upgrades	Far too complex for you to comprehend.  If I tell
			you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly
			thankful.  It's for your own good, even if it
			does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.

Electronic Mail		I delete it before reading it, so don't bother
			sending any to me.

Defaults		We like them just like they are; we chose them
			for a reason.  Don't mess with them; consider
			them mandatory.

Error Messages		I'm not interested.  I'm going to kill your
			process anyway, so keep them to yourself.

Killing your Process	a) Don't ever ask why
			b) Beyond your control
			c) No warnings given
			d) The highlight of my day
			e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.

Passwords		I reserve the right to change them without notice
			at any time.  I choose them, and the more you
			bother me, the more degrading yours will be.
			(Example:  BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE)

Users			a) They slow down the computer
			b) They waste my time
			c) A general nuisance
			d) Worse than that, actually

Software Modifications	You don't know what you want - we'll tell you
			what you want.  It stays like it is.  Period.

Privileges		I've got them, you don't need them.  Enough said.

Priority		Mine is higher than yours, accept it.
			That's the reason my games run faster than your
			lousy accounting package.  (See "Response Time")

Terminals		Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider
			this:
			a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
			b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
			c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
			d) Of course you did

Disk Space		I set the quotas, you live with them.  If you need
			more space, check "Data Files".

Operator		I hired him and I trained him.  He does what I
			tell him to.  Usually armed; always dangerous.

Backups			a) A good idea
			b) If I gave a shit
			c) Which of course I don't

Lunch			The only time that calling my office won't result
			in the killing of your process.

Data Security		That's your problem.  I'm certainly not going to
			lose any sleep over it.  My files are locked up
			tight.  I feel secure.

Jiffy			Length of time it takes me to resolve your
			problem by killing your process.

Eternity		Length of time it takes me to give a shit about
			any problem that can't be resolved by killing
			your process.

Impossible		a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
			b) I can't be bothered
			c) You're starting to annoy me

Inevitable		a) Couldn't have been avoided
			b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
			c) The result of annoying me

Menus			If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it.
			It's not available.  If it is on the menu,
			it's probably of no use or it doesn't work.
			We're working on it (See "Eternity").

Utilities		I find them quite useful, you'll find them
			quite inaccessible.  Besides, they're not
			on your menu, are they.  What did I tell you
			about that?

Nuisance		You.


  Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything
from the above list.  I'm not asking you to accept these matters without
question, I'm telling you.

  Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future
problems.  If you have any questions or comments please feel free to
keep them to yourself.  If you feel the need for more information, I
highly recommend that you ask someone else.  


						Sincerely,



						I.S. dept.

P.S.	The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
	Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this
	means you, Butterman!)

================================================================================
Note 70.0                     Touch tone Christmas                    No replies
::Daniel P Dern "ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Der" 143 lines   5-MAR-1991 03:06
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[Please feel free to print or repost this -- as long as you 
include my name and the copyright notice.  A shorter version of 
this appeared in the December 24/31, 1990 issue of 
InformationWeek.   -- Daniel P. Dern ]


                 "If You've Been Good, Press One"


                         by Daniel P. Dern

                (c) Copyright 1990 Daniel P. Dern


     -------------------------------------------------------
     May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form 
     on a noncommercial basis PROVIDED THAT this notice remains 
     intact.  All rights reserved; contact author (Daniel Dern, 
     ddern@world.std.com, 617-926-8743) for any other intended 
     usage, e.g., reprinting in trade or general press. 
     -------------------------------------------------------


    My schedule this fall was been too hectic for my annual visit 
to the North Pole Toy Works, where I see what new information 
technologies "Pops" Kringle, NPTW's technophilic CEO, has brought 
on board in the intervening months (and, as often as not, what's 
gone awry). 
    So I reached out and called. 
    Instead of the usual cheery operator's voice, a deadpan 
recording answered. 
    "Hello, you've reached the North Pole Toy Works.  If you've 
been good, press 1.  If you've been bad, press 2.  If you aren't 
sure, or need other assistance, please press 3 or stay on the 
line.  Happy holidays -- we'll be right with you!" 
    I pressed the "3" on my phone, and started reading 
yesterday's Wall Street Journal while New Age holiday melodies 
danced in my ear. 
    After twenty seconds, a familiar voice broke in, garnished in 
speakerphone acoustics. 
     "So you've moved," Pops commented without preamble.  "How's 
your new video system working out?  And the robot coffee-maker?" 
    "How'd you know that, Pops?" I asked.  "For that matter, 
how'd you know it was me on the line?"
    "Voice technology," he chortled proudly.  "Automatic number 
ID -- we didn't even need ISDN!  You're on the list who gets 
routed to me automatically, and the system also did a lookup to 
the consumer purchases and credit record CD-ROMs, and popped the 
highlights on a window at my workstation.  Piece of cake!  By the 
way, it says you've been good, more or less." 
    "Thanks for the readout, Pops."  I made a mental note to pay 
by cash more often.  "It sounds like you've gotten pretty strong 
into voice and phone processing applications." 
    "We couldn't get by without them," he responded.  "Those 
letters to the North Pole take five to seven handlings each.  
We're working on document scanning and image management for next 
year -- but voice processing takes much less elfpower. 
    "We've gone totally cellular," he continued. "We've given 
pagers to all our staff, and installed cellular phones on all the 
delivery vehicles, with voice, fax and modem capability." 
    "That's quite an investment."
    "It's worth it.  After all, we positively, absolutely have to 
get there overnight."
    "What else have you been up to, MIS-wise, Pops?" I asked.
    "CD-ROM is big this year, as you've seen.  We're getting a 
lot of population demographics from the Census bureaus, map 
graphics, and airline flight guides so we know where to steer. 
Next year, we'll probably add CD-ROM players on the vehicles, and 
have in-house facilities to put our naughty/nice lists and 
routing schedules onto disk for them." 
    "So you're planning ahead," I observed.
    "Yes -- but not too far.  You should see the stack of five-
year plans we've never gotten more than two years into.  We're 
currently working twenty months out.  In February, we start 
rolling in any new systems -- and at the end of May, we do a 
freeze on all mission-critical stuff till after Delivery Day, 
which gives us about four months to get the bugs out.  But we 
still have our all-nighters -- and up here, that's a long time!" 
    "But it sounds like you've got things under control," I said. 
    "Well, yes and no," he acknowledged.  "The individual new 
technologies we deploy have gone in pretty smoothly.  But the 
business and operational environment has been wicked flaky this 
year.  For example, deregulation meant we could pick our carriers 
of choice ... but try getting one of them to bring a line this 
far north.  And the walruses keep nibbling on the cable, which 
doesn't take the cold that well anyway.  We've tried VSAT, but 
the aurora borealis zaps the heck out of the signal.  I'm 
thinking strongly of moving some of the service centers closer to 
our user base concentrations." 
    "Have you tried out-sourcing?" I asked.
    "Grrrrr."  I heard a background sound, like teeth grinding on 
a pipestem. 
    "Problems?"
    "Let's just say, I don't recommend out-sourcing for critical, 
non-standard resources.  Instead of reindeer, I nearly had a 
mish-mash including moose, caribou, two Scottish Highland cattle, 
and a gnu.  'Just as good, and more cost-effective,' they told 
me.  When I heard they were going to use these mutant 'stealth' 
turtles, I hit the roof!  I don't care if they're fast and 
invisible.  Total control is worth the effort.  But we are 
exploring a joint service bureau effort with EasterBunCo and a 
few others." 
    "Have you made a decision between Windows 3.0, OS/2 or Unix?" 
    "We've got one of each in the test lab, and are trying to 
decide if they're bad or good."
    "What's hot for this year in the gift department?" 
    "We've combined the Virtual Reality glove with those 
eyeglass-size video screens, and come up with something we call a 
Look and Feel Suit.  I may try one myself -- but I'll have to do 
a little personal downsizing first.  Whups, the backbone just 
crashed again -- see you next year!" 

                             # END #
    

(Daniel P. Dern (ddern@world.std.com) is a free-lance writer 
specializing in technology and business, in Watertown, Mass.  
This is the fourth year he has chronicled Kringle's computer 
woes.) 
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA

If you mail to original@looking.on.ca, it makes sure that your joke is tagged
as your original work, and thus eligible for the RHF comedy awards.   Always
attribute the source of a joke, whether it's you, or somebody else.


++++++++++++++++++++++ The full NEWS header follows +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
News Article 374
220 374 <S235.68b@looking.on.ca> Article retrieved; head and body follow.
Path: hollie.rdg.dec.com!pa.dec.com!decwrl!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!lll-winken!looking!funny-request
From: ddern@world.std.com (Daniel P Dern)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Touch tone Christmas
Keywords: original, computer, chuckle
Message-ID: <S235.68b@looking.on.ca>
Date: 5 Mar 91 00:30:04 GMT
Organization: Dern Associates, Belmont MA
Lines: 127
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

    
    I almost put this in the world we work in topic.. :-)
    
Article 2538 of rec.humor.funny:
Path: riscy.enet.dec.com!shlump.nac.dec.com!decuac!haven!boingo.med.jhu.edu!aplcen!uakari.primate.wisc.edu!sdd.hp.com!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!lll-winken!looking!funny-request
From: evans@decvax.dec.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: How to coach in the computer biz
Keywords: computer, chuckle
Message-ID: <S22f.3335@looking.on.ca>
Date: 27 Feb 91 00:30:04 GMT
Lines: 40
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

[Source unknown]

         IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the
         Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.
         
         Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as
         ready as they could be.
         
         IBM won by a mile.

         Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision
         was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
         found, so a working party was set up to investigate and
         report.
         
         Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems
         Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service,
         the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the
         answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary
         presentation.
         
         "The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing
         and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8
         steering."
          
         The working party was then asked to go away and come up with
         a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's
         pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.
         
         2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and
         the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:
    
    	
    
    "The guy rowing has got to work harder" 

--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Do not use "looking.uucp" or just "looking."
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

>         2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and
>         the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:
>    
>    	
>    
>    "The guy rowing has got to work harder" 


	I heard that 2 months after that the Buyout came along and they threw 
the guy who was rowing overboard...

	GEoff

yeah, but they gave him 9 weeks pay first

    ...but they won't let him back on board for at least six months.  
    
    tim
    

	... but when the rower gets back, it will be as an external
	consultant and the pay rate will be at least 3 times more than 
	a regular employee rate...

	... it is soooooooooooo true in DEC;  there are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too
	many managers.  The person rowing should use his strength and throw
	the steering people overboard !!!!!!!!!!

{headers removed}
 
                       Spam Tater-Tot Velveeta De-lites
 
"Served hot or cold, this savory party favorite is sure to be the last snack
on the tray!"
 
Serves 3 - 103
 
         1 can SPAM                  1 loaf Velveeta
         1 bag Tater Tots            1 bunch of decorative Toothpicks
 
	1. Arrange Tater Tots on cookie sheet and bake, as directed on the bag,
at 450 for 20 minutes or until crisp, golden-brown, and appealing.  (It's
probably best to play it safe here and just do them for the 20 minutes.)
 
	0. I forgot to tell you:  You've got to pre-heat the oven first.
 
	2. Slice the Spam into thin slices which would be about large enough
each to put one Tater Tot on top of, taking into account shrinkage due to
frying.
 
	3. Fry the Spam slices until they're resistant, in the Italian phrase,
"to the teeth."
 
	4. Slice the Velveeta into thin slices which would be about large
enough to secure over a Tater Tot resting on a slice of fried Spam with a
decorative toothpick before melting.
 
	5. Arrange the slices of fried Spam on another cookie sheet.  On
each, place a Tater Tot and then a Velveeta slice, securing the arrangement
with a decorative toothpick.  Bake at 300 for 10 minutes, or until the
Velveeta has melted over the Tater Tots and onto the fried Spam, the cookie
sheet, and the oven floor.
 
	6. Garnish with gherkins, capers, carrot curls, celery stalks, cucumber
sticks, and radish florets, and enjoy.  If you're serving them cold and
congealed, try a warm Wesson-and-salt dip.
 
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.
	

re:       <<< Note 104.99 by ISLNDS::CLARK "politicians throwing stones" >>>
   
>                       Spam Tater-Tot Velveeta De-lites
 

"But I don't like Spam."

"NOT LIKE SPAM!! everyone likes spam."

spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam wonderful spam, wonderful spam


;-)
	

Re:     <<< Note 104.100 by DECXPS::BRIDGES "if the sun refuse to shine..." >>>
  >                   -< spam eggs spam herring and spam  >-

>spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam wonderful spam, wonderful spam


	this reminds me of an old camp song ....

"... great big globs of greasy grimey gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat ..."
(I don't remember the rest of the words - can anyone help?)

and there is also the Mickey D's theme song ....
	"McDonalds is my kinda place, hamburgers in your face
	french fries up your nose, pickles between your toes.
	They will serve you anywhere, they'll even fry your underwear.
	McDonalds is my kinda place!"

;^)

Ahh, those were the days, ... the days of innocense  :-)

re:     <<< Note 104.101 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>


  Spam is from Monty Python.  It was a sketch where a couple went into a 
diner and everything on the menu had spam in it.
At one point the man says "well cant I have a spam, egg and ham with out the
spam" to which the waitress says "Well then it wouldn't be a bloody SPAM, EGG,
AND HAM now would it."

>"... great big globs of greasy grimey gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat ..."
>(I don't remember the rest of the words - can anyone help?)


that's all I can ever remember.


>and there is also the Mickey D's theme song ....
>	"McDonalds is my kinda place, hamburgers in your face
>	french fries up your nose, pickles between your toes.
>	They will serve you anywhere, they'll even fry your underwear.
>	McDonalds is my kinda place!"

Never heard this one thou.

Shawn

>"... great big globs of greasy grimey gopher guts, mutilated monkey meat ..."
>(I don't remember the rest of the words - can anyone help?)

	Can't remember the begining, but the rest of the version I know goes:

"...mutilated monkey meat,
itsy bitsy birdy feet,
cans and cans of all-purpose porpoise puss,
and me without my spoon!"

Mark

> Never heard this one thou.

	I'll sing it for you the next time I see you.  ;^)

Re: the rest of the words from Mark ...

	Thank you!!  Now I remember .....

Thanks (I think) John, ... do you know what I look like?  I don't know
what you look like, besides you telling me that you wear wing-tip shoes,
or something like that.  ;^)

Actually, it is for me and not to look better so much as to feel better ...
I had a few too many french fries and beers since last summer.  ;^/

But really, not only am I sitting here singing this song now, but also craving
mutilated monkey meat.  ;^)  And the worst thing is, it's all my fault.  :-)

Lisa

We used to sing it like so:

	"Great green gobs of gooey gushy monkey meat,
	 fortified frogs' feet,
	 marinated parakeet ...."

I just retrieved that from Brain Sector #8394839 ....

- Dave

     <<< Note 104.106 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>


>thanks (I think) John, ... do you know what I look like?  I don't know
>what you look like, besides you telling me that you wear wing-tip shoes,
>or something like that.  ;^)
    
    Ya don't know what yer missin', Lisa!! :-)
    
    ...and I was all set to go ask my 10-year-old for the rest of the words
    to 'great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts', 'till youse guys beat
    me to it!.
    
    That what I like about this place.  Whenever I need an excuse to
    lighten up - it's always here waiting for me.  :-).
    
    tim
    

I know what you mean tim!!  I had no doubts that at least one person could
finish the song ... I also almost expected a couple of versions (not to mention
that dc would reply!)  I love this place too!  Half an hour ago I needed to
lighten up myself, now I just need to get this song out of my head!  :-)

Lisa    

	Yeah, but does anyone remember the begining?

Mark

    hey now Mark!!!!
    
    i just saw your personal name....
    
    		do you have the lyrics to that tune?????  the whole thing??
    
    	i just saw Tommy Makem do it at Mechanics Hall last weekend...
    it was a scream!  i wanna do it too!!  can i have 'em??  pleeez?
    
    				da ve_the_incredible_begging_and_
    				digressing_moderator

Lisa,

  I'm about 6'4' a slim trim musclar 205 lb. Nice longish brown hair with
grate blue eyes.  I sorta remind people of a Greek God.

   john

    re: Ryans description   as bill the cat would say PFFHHHTTT!
    
    I have 2 daughters.... I sing 'Girls are made of...' all the time!
    rfb

    
    Who is this John Ryan. Oh a god, oops i better leave it there.
    And John you know what god spelled backwards is.
    
    
      , ,
       *
     \___/
    
    Divide Dave
    
    
     
    

re:  <<< Note 104.103 by 11SRUS::MARK "Waltzing with Bears" >>>

>"...mutilated monkey meat,
>itsy bitsy birdy feet,
>cans and cans of all-purpose porpoise puss,
>and me without my spoon!"

Yummm...how appetizing!! 

         @   @
           !
         _____
            U




 
                      HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK
 

Here, in the interest of better workmanship, are ten easy rules
to follow when robbing a bank along with instructive examples of
what can go wrong if you don't:
 

1.   Pick the right bank.  You don't want to make the same
mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, California, who tried to hold
up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
 
     Study your history.  Don't try to stick up the First
National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota.  Jesse James tried it 111
years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two
and capture three of his gang.  Nobody tried again until 1984,
and the customers chased the guy down.  They're tight with a
dollar, those Minnesotans.
 
     On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with
the bank.  A fellow in Tulsa got away with $10,000 from the same
bank at which he made daily deliveries for the company that
employed him.  He didn't keep the money long.  And a California
robber ran into his mother while making his getaway.  She turned
him in.
 
2.   Speak to the right teller.  Granted, this is harder to plan. 
You never know when a teller will just yell, "Get lost!"  One did 
in Brockton, Massachusetts, and it so unnerved the robber that he
left the bank, got into a car, drove across the street, and went
into an apartment, all in full view of the feisty teller, who
called the cops.
 
     Another teller, this one in Springfield, Massachusetts,
followed the robber out of the bank and down the street until she
saw him go into a restaurant.  She hailed a passing police car,
and they picked him up.
 
     Of course, you can't plan for everything.  One robber in
Upland, California, presented his note to the teller, and her
father, who was  next in line, got all bent out of shape about
it.  He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until the
authorities arrived.
 
3.   Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written
on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in
Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of
another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the
back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
 
4.   Beware of dangerous vegetables.  One man tried to hold up a
bank with a zucchini.  It worked, too, but the police caught him
at his house, and he showed it to them--the smoking vegetable, so
to speak.  Another man in Newport, Rhode Island, threatened an
arresting officer with a reptile, a boa constrictor to be
precise.  Turned out the policeman knew that boa constrictors
don't bite.
 
5.   Avoid being fussy.  You've got to think on your feet.  A
robber in Panorama City, California, gave a teller a note saying:
"I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."  The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took
them and left.
 
6.   Don't advertise.  A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to
distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse
with no bra while holding up banks.  The surveillance camera was
not impressed.
 
Another man thought that if he smeared a mercury ointment on his
face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.  Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture.
 
One robber went in the other direction, dressing as a woman with
very heavy make-up.  It was a good idea, but in his haste to
leave, he ran face-first into a glass door.  He was the first
criminal ever positively identified by lip-print.
 
The same rule applies to the getaway.  Bank robbers in Minnesota
and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen
money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded only in
drawing attention to themselves.  Then there was the one-legged
bank robber who hopped down the street, his crutches in one hand, 
the loot in the other.  The FBI followed a chain of incredulous
witnesses right to the robber's front door.
 
7.   Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in
Florida who took a wrong turn into Homestead Air Force Base,
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.  Or the chagrin of the
bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30
p.m., then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he
was trapped in rush-hour traffic until the police arrived.
 
8.   Provide your own transportation.  Let's face it, a taxi is
not the preferred means of escape.  Nor is it clever to borrow
the teller's car, a vehicle which she carefully described to
police, resulting in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the
history of Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
 
9.   Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye
packets, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to
embarrassing stains, not to mention severe burns in sensitive
places.  Or so bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully
discovered.
 
10.  Consider another line of work.  Bank robbery is not for
everyone.  One nervous Newport, Rhode Island, robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly.  Another desperado in
Newton, Massachusetts, had second thoughts in mid-perpetration,
hailed a cab, and told the driver to take him to the nearest
police station, where he turned himself in.  Then there was the
case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when
the teller told him she had no money, fainted.  He was still
unconscious when the police arrived.  His getaway car, parked
nearby, had the keys locked inside .




To Distribution List:

FORREST @CTOAVX @VMSMAIL,
FULLER @TOLKIN @VMSMAIL,
LEIBRANDT @CHIPS @VMSMAIL,
CANTLEBARY_J @MIMS @VMSMAIL,
KIM GUSEMAN @LAO,
ALEXIS PAULDINE @EEO,
SAUNDERS @ABACUS @VMSMAIL,
BRUCE TOWNSEND @CEO,
BARRETT@PAMSRC@VMSMAIL,
NAME: MIKE CORNELL @RCH <CORNELL.MIKE AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: ANDREA  DUNPHY @RCH <DUNPHY.ANDREA AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: RICK  EGAN @RCH <EGAN.RICK AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: Bill Heffernan @RCH <HEFFERNAN.BILL AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: STEPHANIE HEZEL @RCH <HEZEL.STEPHANIE AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: SUSAN LESLIE @RCH <LESLIE.SUSAN AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: JOHN NEWCOMB @RCH <NEWCOMB.JOHN AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: Stephen A. Pellegrino @RCH <PELLEGRINO.STEPHE AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: PAUL  SLIWINSKI @RCH <SLIWINSKI.PAUL AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>,
NAME: KRISTEN  WALSH @RCH <WALSH.KRISTEN AT A1 at CTOAVX at WAO>

re brain-robbing songs

And then there's ....

	"Don't you laugh when the hearse goes by ...."

re Spam delicacies

I know a guy who loves the Army's MealReadytoEat (MRE) food units ...
thinks they're delicious ....

- Dave_with_brain_stirfried_from_course_this_week

>       <<< Note 104.118 by ISLNDS::CLARK "politicians throwing stones" >>>
>
>re brain-robbing songs
>
>And then there's ....
>
>	"Don't you laugh when the hearse goes by ...."


	Don't you laugh when a hearse goes by
	or you will be the next to die
	They wrap you up in a clean white sheet
	and bury you down about six foot deep
	All goes well until a week and then the
	coffin starts to leak.
	The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
	the worms play pinoccle on your snout.
	So never laugh when a hearse goes by.

<FORWARDS DELETED>

Subj:	techie humor
 
a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving
down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  they screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt,
more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot
drop to jagged rocks.  they all got out of the car.
 
the computer engineer said, "i think i can fix it."
 
the systems analyst said, "no, i think we should take it into
     town and have a specialist look at it."
 
the programmer said, "ok, but first i think we should get back 
     in and see if it does it again."

    :-)
    
    definitely a hardware problem... :-)

    
    Two lions escape from a zoo and agree to meet at a designated area
    in a month...
    
    A month later, the two lions meet.  One is fat and healthy and the
    other is emaciated.  
    
    The healthy lion asks, "What the heck happened to you?  You look
    horrible!"
    
    The other lion responds, "...Well, I ate sombody from some village
    and they've been trying to hunt me down ever since....how come you 
    look so good?"
    
    "Well, I went up to this company in Maynard Massachusetts and have 
    been devouring a manager a day and nobody seems to be noticing...."
    
    

    :-)

That one has made it's rounds more than once lately.  Every time, I like it!

	:-)

    This man walks into a bar...sits down and orders a drink.  In a couple
    of minutes a beautiful lady walks in .... well endowed,lots-o-cleavage,
    in a short tight black dress.  The man (realizing she is probably a
    hooker) approaches her and strikes up a conversation.  In a couple of
    minutes the lady says to him..I'll do anything you want for 200 bucks.
    The man says...anything?  She says yes but he has to be able to
    describe it in three words.  The man ponders it for a while and says 
    you've got a deal.  So she says ok now describe in three words. The 
    man looks at her then goes.....paint my house.
    
    
    rich

    
    Why do deadhead wave their hands in front of their face when they
    dance?
    
    
    
    To keep the music out of their eyes.  :-):-):-)

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    I CAN SEE THAT MUSIC NOW!
                             %^)rfb

Belated St. Patrick's Day joke ...

What's green and stays out all night?


Paddy O' Furniture

	"An Irish gentleman is someone who knows how to play the 
	bagpipes, but wont."
				-Oscar Wilde

    I'm surprised at you Marv!!!!!

                                  %^) rfb

  gum, that was the first thing I thought of.

Incredibly bad humor, be warned ....



<forwards deleted>

        As I was walking down the street one day, I bought a
    slice of pizza. I was just about to take a bite when a
    panhandler came up and asked for some spare change.  I
    checked my pocket and found fifty cents. Suddenly, a thought
    came to me and I asked the man "which would you rather have,
    the pizza or the money?"

        His eyes flicked nervously from one hand to the other, he
    looked around in confusion, started to stammer, then fled as
    fast as he could run. For the longest time I stood there
    wondering what had happened, when suddenly it hit me...



        Beggars can't be choosers!



        Did you hear about the latest sexually transmitted bird
    disease flying through the ornithological community?

        It's called Chirpes!

        It's a Canarial disease.

        It affects their peepers and makes them really soar.

        Not to worry, though.  It's Tweetable!  :-)



        Soon after a women gave birth to identical twins, she
    gave them up for adoption.  One was adopted by a couple from
    Spain and named Juan.  The other went to a family in Egypt.
    They called him Amal.
    
        Years passed, and the boy from Spain discovered his real
    mother and sent her a picture of himself.  The woman remarked
    to her husband that she wished she had a photo of her other
    son. "Well," he replied,



        "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

grrrroooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannn !!!!!!!!!

Just when you thought the puns got bad in grateful.....................


	agagagagagag

    
    re:135
    
     I was warned but i read on! Next time i will belive MR. Clark.
    
    Divide
    

    dont listen to them Dave!!!!!
    
    they were
    GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
    
    	:^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)  :^)
    
    	
    					da ve

    
    and I can tell - we ALL need a show !!!!!
    
    

<forwards deleted>

Subj:	How to explain paging and swapping to a user 
 
 
<from Usenet. Permission to distribute was given>    
    
This  note  is  a formal  non-working  paper of  the  Project MAC
Computer Systems Research Division.   It should be reproduced and
distributed wherever levity is lacking,  and may be referenced at
your own risk in other publications.
 
                     The Paging Game
                    By Jeff Berryman
 
                        RULES
 
1.   Each player gets several million things.
 
2.   Things are kept in crates that hold 4096 things each.
     Things in the same crate are called crate-mates.
 
3.   Crates are stored either in the workshop or the warehouse.
     The workshop is almost always too small to hold all
     the crates.
 
4.   There is only one workshop but there may be several
     warehouses.  Everybody shares them.
 
5.   Each thing has its own thing number.
 
6.   What you do with a thing is to zark it.  Everybody
     takes turns zarking.
 
7.   You can only zark your things, not anybody else's.
 
8.   Things can only be zarked when they are in the
     workshop.
 
9.   Only the Thing King knows whether a thing is in the
     workshop or in a warehouse.
 
10.  The longer a thing goes without being zarked, the
     grubbier it is said to become.
 
11.  The way you get things is to ask the Thing King.
     He only gives out things in multiples of eight.
     This is to keep the royal overhead down.
 
12.  The way you zark a thing is to give its thing
     number.  If you give the number of a thing that happens
     to be in a workshop it gets zarked right away.  If it
     is in a warehouse, the Thing King packs the crate
     containing your thing back into the workshop.  If there
     is no room in the workshop, he first finds the grubbiest
     crate in the workshop, whether it be yours or somebody
     else's, and packs it off with all its crate-mates to a
     warehouse.  In its place he puts the crate containing
     your thing.  Your thing then gets zarked and you never
     know that it wasn't in the workshop all along.
 
13.  Each player's stock of things have the same numbers as
     everybody else's.  The Thing King always knows who owns
     what thing and whose turn it is, so you can't ever
     accidentally zark somebody else's thing even if it has the
     same thing number as one of yours.
 
                        NOTES
 
1.   Traditionally, the Thing King sits at a large, segmented
     table and is attended to by pages (the so-called "table
     pages") whose job it is to help the king remember where
     all the things are and who they belong to.
 
2.   One consequence of Rule 13 is that everybody's thing
     numbers will be similar from game to game, regardless
     of the number of players.
 
3.   The Thing King has a few things of his own, some of
     which move back and forth between workshop and warehouse
     just like anybody else's, but some of which are just
     too heavy to move out of the workshop.
 
4.   With the given set of rules, oft-zarked things tend to
     get kept mostly in the workshop while little-zarked
     things stay mostly in a warehouse.  This is efficient
     stock control.
 
5.   Sometimes even warehouses get full.  The Thing King
     then has to start piling things on the dump out back.
     This makes the game slower because it takes a long time
     to get things off the dump when they are needed in the
     workshop.  A forthcoming change in the rules will allow
     the Thing King to select the grubbiest things in the
     warehouses and send them to the dump in his spare time,
     thus keeping the warehouses from getting too full.
     This means that the most infrequently-zarked things will
     end up in the dump so the Thing King won't have to get
     things from the dump so often.  This should speed up
     the game when there are a lot of players and the warehouses
     are getting full.
 
                LONG LIVE THE THING KING
 
[internet headings and postmarks removed]

<forwards deleted>

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
	by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

   As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings
on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must
also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-
intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary
in this important area. This is especially true in light of the
findings of 20th century physics.

   We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we
join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate
the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of
America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.


WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a
Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely
Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent
of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred
Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both
Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That,
Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon-
taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at
Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any 
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles
Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in
Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in
the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to
the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held
Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found 
Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product
Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May
Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-
Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This
Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable
to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot
Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When
the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May
Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined
State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in
Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other
Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be
Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product,
Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its
Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an 
Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.


(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of
The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141
Individual US Subscriptions $12.00
Reproduced with permission.)

    :-)

	Saw this one go by on rec.food.veg, and figured it was worth sharing...
then again, maybe not.  :-)

	A carrot is in a car accident.  His wife rushes to the hospital and the
docter tells her he has good news, and bad news, which he'll give her in that
order.  "First, your husband will live.  Second, he'll be a vegetable for the 
rest of his life."

Mark

there were these 3 engineers,one from Data General another from IBM
and one from DEC, they were talking about the Easter Holiday. The Guy
from DG starts out saying "Ah yes Easter, I love getting together with
family and setting up the tree and putting ...." he is interrupted by the
IBM guy "NO NO NO, you got it all wrong thats Christmas, Easter is when
you sit around watching Football games and cooking a big Turk...." the
IBM guy is cut off by the DEC engineer "Thats Thanksgiving your talking
about, Boy don't you two know anything about Easter ? its the time when
Jesus is taken down from the cross and laid to rest in a tomb and a large
rock is put in front of the tomb by hundreds of men, and 3 days later
Jesus moves the rock and comes out from the tomb.......

	....... and if he see his shadow

 WARNING: tastless humor 


The cops in the L.A. beating case are filing for workmans comp.


Wrist injuries

  WHY DID ALL THE IRAQI PILOTS FLY TO IRAN???





  BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T FIND A COUNTRY CALLED IQUIT.

[forwards removed]
 
    "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's
    not true.  I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my
    desk." -- Stephen King, 3/8/90

{headers removed}

Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense
cannot beat a better offense.'	In other words a good offense wins.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
		   offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
		   with the defensive system of NATO
 
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
	   Hawaii, September 1989
 
What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
		   speaking to the United Negro College Fund
 
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
		   whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
 
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
	   Forum, March 1990
 
It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Target prices?	How that works?	 I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
		   define the term "target prices."
		   Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
		   conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
 
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
 
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
		   Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
 
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
		-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
		   [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
 
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
		   the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
		   the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
		   [this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
		      but it's still funny]
 
getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
		   work dealing with cruise missles
 
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
		   an Ohio steel plant,1988
 
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate
 
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
		   would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
 
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports of
		   his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
 
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
country.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
    Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
    I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
    I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
	-- Vice President Dan Quayle
 

    Why did the Brown student cross the road?
    
    
    
    It was the only requirement for graduation.

[headers deleted]

From a newsletter called "News of the Weird", a compendium of oddball news
items collected from various sources around the globe.

---
University of California-Davis graduate student Ann Perkins, on her study of
sheep sexuality: "It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian
sheep because if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is stand
still. Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it."
 
---
Chicago-area police investigated a series of thefts earlier this year of large
quantities of Kool-Aid from grocery stores.  At first, they thought that some
bizarre collector was storing the packets in his home.  Later, however, they
discovered that Kool-Aid is a favorite among drug pushers because it is light,
easy to steal, and can be readily sold to flea market entrepeneurs.
 
---
Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, taking advantage of a
wardens' strike in May, broke into an office and telephoned an order for 18
tons of concrete to be delivered as a prank.  While they were at it, they
called out for 312 pizzas.  (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to
pay for the pizzas.)
 
---
Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory committee
to the Orange County (Calif.) transportation commission (studying traffic
problems), saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because
of freeway gridlock.
 
---
The Santa Clara County (Calif.) Planned Parenthood chapter announced recently
it was having trouble finding people, even for pay, for condom reliability
tests.  Spokewoman Michelle McDevitt said many married couples doubted they
could meet the "frequency" criterion for the tests: "A lot of people said, 'Six
times in one month?  Forget it.'"
 
---
Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and
Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a unified Germany to choose whether or not
to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it was a
surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated."
 
---
NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the
Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems.  Everything has gone
tickety-boo."
 
---
The Times of India reported in May that two Hindu brides, their vision obscured
by long veils, married each other's groom at Patan village ceremonies that were
rushed because both had been mistakenly scheduled for the same time.  Village
elders said the marriages are final and cannot be revoked.
 
---
Eddie Oakley had requested a recording of Ella Fitzgerald singing "Every Time
You Say Goodbye" at his cremation services, which took place in Kidderminster,
England, in June, but the person in charge mistakenly played "Smoke Gets in
Your Eyes."
 
---
Newspapers in Naples, Italy, reported that, in a lawsuit against an insurance
company, a couple had blamed the woman's pregnancy on an automobile accident. 
She claimed that while the couple was making out in a car in a notorious
lover's lane, another car rammed their car from behind, causing the couple to
"lose control" and be unable to avoid the insemination.
 
---
Omaha attorney (and former judge) David Crawford broke his collarbone recently
as he was demonstrating to his office staff how easy it would be to tip over
cows as they sleep standing up.  He had gotten down on all fours and asked a
staff member to tip him over onto his side.
 
---
Five armed inmates overpowered guards at a Venezuelan prison close to the
Columbian border in April, commandeered a vehicle, and prepared to escape. 
However, none of the five, nor any of the several hostages they grabbed, knew
how to drive a stick shift, and army troops soon obtained the men's surrender.
 
---
Gloversvill, N.Y., prison inmate Bruce Hillbourne, 30, apparently attempting to
postpone a parole hearing in February, swallowed 24 size AA and A batteries,
which had to be removed through surgery.  His record is 36 batteries, which he
swallowed while incarcerated in 1986.
 
---
After an audit, the U.S. Postal Service announced in June that the IRS owed $2
million for underpaying its postage bill.  The IRS said several offices did not
understand the complex regulations on certified mail.
 
---
In April, Judge Eduardo Rodriguez ruled, in Granada, Spain, that Jesus Christ
was innocent of the charges that sent him to death in Galilee, finding that
Jesus suffered "significant" violations of due process of law, including the
absence of a defender.
 
---
A Cuyahoga County, Ohio, judge recently awarded two rape victims damages from
their assailant based on $50 per day for the rest of their lives. Nine other
victims of the man have a lawsuit pending against him for $52 million. 
However, the man's earning capacity is limited because he is serving the next
1,449 to 3,195 years in prison for the rapes.
 
---
In Orlando, Fla., Joseph T. Hill was convicted in August of counterfeiting and
faces up to 20 years in prison.  Among his work was printing several million
Polish zlotys, worth only about $300.  Said a Secret Service agent, "He could
have printed a boxcar full of them and not have enough to buy an expensive
suit."
 
---
St. Paul, Minn., bank president Michael Brennan filed a $50,000 lawsuit in July
against the city and a construction company for a 1989 mishap in his bank's
restroom.  The construction company had shut off a sewer line without notifying
the bank, and when Brennan flushed, he was suddenly washed out with "200 to 300
gallons" of raw sewage.  The company offered only to buy him a new suit.

    COMICS ON BASEBALL
   ====================
    
    I went to a baseball game last year where the attendance was so small
    there was no anthem.  Everyone just stood up and told a little about
    themselves.
                  -Elayne Boosler
    
    ****
    
    Without baseball, think of all the kids who would nver know what a
    millionaire looks like.
                           -Phyllis Diller
    
    ***
    
    A guy in a bar tells another patron that he has a talking dog.  The
    other guy tells him to prove it.  The owner looks at his pet and asks,
    "What's on top of a house?"  The dog answers "Ruff!"  The patron
    demands more proof, so the owner asks "How does sandpaper feel?"  The
    dog speaks "Ruff!"  The patron is still in disbelief, so the owner
    looks at his prize pet and once again asks, "Who is your favorite
    baseball player?"  And the dog replies, "Joe Dimaggio."
      
                             - Steven Banks
    ***
    
    When your home team is the Atlanta Braves, you don't have to write
    material.  The [stuff] just happens.
                                          -Pam Stone
    
    ***
    
    
    My husband's from another country, so when he watches sports on
    television I can tell him anything I want.  He asked me why the umpires
    wear jackets and no one else does;  I told him it's because they just
    came from dinner.
                        -Rita Rudner
    
    ***
    
    The funniest thing about baseball is when they have bat day at Yankee
    Stadium.  You take 50,000 New Yorkers, pump 'em full of beer, and hand
    'em murder weapons.  The closest event I can think of is butcher-knife
    day at San Quentin.
                            -Richard Jeni
    ***
    
    Donald Trump said to me, "Judy, I'm sensitive.  I just want to sit
    around with a bunch of men and cry."  I said "So go to a Yankees game."
    
                              -Judy Tenuta
    
    ***
    
    In Atlanta they have a bumper sticker that says GO BRAVES, AND TAKE THE
    FALCONS WITH YOU.
                           -George Wallace
    
    ***
    
    I feel sorry for baseball players with famous nicknames.  It's gotta be
    hell trying to get a job outside of sports with some of those names.  I
    mean, would *you* go to a proctologist named Goose Gossage?
    
                            -Ross Shafer
    
    ***
    
    When I was a kid, they called me Mr. Baseball.  Not because I was a
    great player, but because of the stitches in my head.
    
                                         -Emo Phillips
    
    ***
    
    "Field of Dreams" is one of my favorite movies.  After seeing it, I
    realized that Kevin Costner and I have two things in common:  the love
    of baseball, and hallucinations.
                                       -Carol Leifer
    
    ***
    
    George Brett won the batting title in three different decades.  Minnie
    Minoso was hit by the most pitches in three different decades.  Their
    reflections on the sport have got to be a little different.  Brett: 
    "In the 70's I went 4 for 4 on the last day of the season, and in the
    80's I hit a home run in my last at-bat."  Minoso:  "A curveball
    shattered the orbit of my left eye in the 60's.  In the 70's I got hit
    by three pitches in my last game.  The last one, a high fast ball, gave
    me a splinter fracture to the back of my skull..."
    
                           -Dom Irrera
    
    ***
    
    I love baseball.  I've always loved and played baseball as a boy.  It's
    definitely America's game.  Although I would like to see one change
    made.  I think that if a game goes into extra innings, they should go
    with a ball the size of a BB.  That way, it would be more of a
    pitcher's game and would heighten a tie situation even more.
    
                                          -Steven Wright
    
    ***
    
    As a Yankee fan, I'm looking forward to a new season, because last year
    their magic number was 911.
                                    -Paul Provenza
    
    ***
    
    In little league one year, I remember missing three games with a pulled
    groin.  Unfortunately, it was self-inflicted.
    
                                              -Dennis Wolfberg

<headers deleted>

                         Written  5:03 pm  Apr  5, 1991
                           by fish@chips.EBay.Sun.COM
                              in primerd:rec.humo

       (El Segundo, Ca) - Xerox officials held an emergency press conference
   Wedensday to announce a total recall of all Reprotron 5000
   Three-Dimensional Copy Machines.

       Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low since the release of
   the innovative device.  Xerox hailed the Reprotron 5000 as a "new
   revolution in copying" when it introduced the machine just two weeks ago,
   and market insiders were certain that the copier would send Xerox stock
   through the roof.

       At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made full
   three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of fruit, and a
   perfect red rose.  Reporters were invited to sample apples and oranges
   copied from the original fruit, though Xerox technicians did warn that the
   copied fruit might taste slightly of toner.  John Thompson (inventor of the
   Reprotron) stepped forward to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but
   accidentally copied his hand and forearm.  He quickly disposed of the
   highly detailed, frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the
   copier's delivery slot.

       But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next.  "We assumed that people
   would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with this copier, and
   obviously we were wrong," Thompson states.  From all across the USA,
   reports have been filing in of the copier being used in what Thompson calls
   "sick, greedy ways."

       At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for making 15
   copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then refusing to pay for
   the copies, claiming that some of the new children were "smudged." Local
   authorities were uncertain as to which charges should be pressed.

       In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are investigating
   reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single bar of gold bullion
   150 times.  A task force investigator stated, "Granted, it takes money to
   make money, but we're almost certain that this action is in violation of
   some laws."

       Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors that
   the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect.  Harold Butz of
   Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common cement brick spray-painted
   gold.  Butz claims he was "shocked and dismayed" when he discovered that
   the machine-made copy was 22-karat solid gold.  "All I wanted was a really
   good copy of a cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated.  "What the
   hell am I going to do with this thing?"

       Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but
   Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market Reprotrons."

       "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered that if they had two
   machines, they could use one to make a working copy of the other," Thompson
   revealed.  "To tell the truth, we only sold two machines in all - to the
   Cappelli family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm.  These copy pirates
   should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy and so on,
   there are bound to be defects in the copies produced.  We have no idea what
   kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a person copies something on a
   fourth- or fifth-generation machine." Thompson declined to comment on
   reports that hundreds of the pirated machines have a human thumb attached
   to the coin slot which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb
   getting in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies.

       "Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated.  "People owning
   the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make the machine
   work, and we've taken all the fluid off the market.  A machine can only
   last two weeks or so without a fluid refill, and there won't be any fluid
   refills."  When asked why people with copiers couldn't simply make copies
   of the fluid cannisters they already have, Xerox officials hastily ended
   the press conference, stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."

[forwards removed]
 
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
 
 
Reproduced verbatim. God knows where it came from. I suspect some
frustrated documentation person snapped the 23rd time he had to
write five pages of instructions on how to snazzle the frobnix.
 
---
 
			READ THIS FIRST
			===============
 
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
 
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the
consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in
writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull
is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's
talk about:
 
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES
OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND
SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.  Ida Mae really
wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and
her fiancee, Stuart, it now seriously considering backing out on the
whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our
drift.
 
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY
OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
Europe.
 
Besides the device, the box should contain:
 
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
 
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
 
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
 
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without
a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
 
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
 
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the latest
thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged
Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device
is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
 
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT,
AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
 
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE.  WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE
DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN
BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
 
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the
(something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
(something) virepoint from Drawing B.
 
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against
all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer
will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,
who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse
it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer
case.
 
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
 
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
 

>       <<< Note 104.153 by ISLNDS::CLARK "honor veterans - wage peace" >>>
>                         -< sounds like a Dave Barry >-


This is definitely Dave Barry. I remember seeing it in the DB notesfile about
2 years ago. A classic:-)

Geoff

From:	DECWRL::"irobot@apple.com" "Alan Henley" 29-APR-1991 22:53:24.09
To:	skylrk::ting 
CC:	
Subj:	Quayle quotes 

 
Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense
cannot beat a better offense.'  In other words a good offense wins.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
                   offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
                   with the defensive system of NATO
 
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability.  I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
 
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific.  It is IN
the Pacific.  It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle,
                   Hawaii, September 1989
 
What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind.  Or not to have a mind
at all.  How true that is.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
                   speaking to the United Negro College Fund
 
You all look like happy campers to me.  Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
                   whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
 
 
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment.  "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
 
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
                   Forum, March 1990
 
It's rural America.  It's where I came from.  We always refer to ourselves
as real America.  Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
 
Target prices?  How that works?  I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state.  Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
                   define the term "target prices."
                   Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
                   conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
 
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
                -- Vice President Dan Quayle
  
 
 
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
 
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
 
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
                   Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
 
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
                -- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
                   [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
 
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
                   the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
                   the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
                   [this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
                      but it's still funny]
 
getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
                   work dealing with cruise missles
 
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
                   an Ohio steel plant,1988
 
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate
 
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
                   would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
 
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports of
                   his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
 
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
country.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
 
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
 
 
    Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
    I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have a
very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
    I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have
our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And
time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
        -- Vice President Dan Quayle
 
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From: Alan Henley <irobot@apple.com>
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To: skylrk::ting
Subject: Quayle quotes

<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

 Edition : 2320               Friday 10-May-1991            Circulation :  8441 

{lots of stuff delted}

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<><><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 2320      Friday 10-May-1991   <><><><><><><><>

{headers removed}

Three managers decide to go on a deer hunting trip in the great white north. 
In order to get to their hunting grounds, they charter a small seaplane.  The 
pilot says to the managers: "Now listen up you guys, you decide right now which 
one of you is going to bring back the deer, because I can't take all of you AND 
three deer".  The managers nod in agreement and off they go.  The plane lands in a 
a small, secluded lake and the Managers set out on their hunting expedition.   
 
One week later, the seaplane returns, and sure enough, the managers have
three deer laid out on the shore.  "I thought I told you guys I could only
carry you three plus one deer!!" the pilot exclaimed.  "Gee, we had this same
problem last year, but we gave the pilot an extra $50, and he took us" said
one of the managers.  "All right, dammit, load the deer!" said the pilot as
he took the bribe.
 
The plane taxis into the lake to get as much room as possible for the takeoff.
The pilot applies full throttle, and the plane veeerrry sluggishly climbs into
the air, clawing for altitude.  Alas, it is not enough.  The plane crashes into
a tree at the far end of the lake.  The managers, stunned by the impact, barely
manage to climb clear of the wreckage.  One of them says "Oh, my head!  Where
are we?".  Another manager replies "About 100 feet from where we wound up
last year". 
 

Here's one I read the other day - attributed to Robin Williams:

What's the definition of scary:

"President Quayle, raise your right hand."

"NO, your other right hand."

:) :) :)
bob

    
    So where are the jokes about the Bush epidemic?  Like - see what you
    get when you shower with your dog?  
    
    c

guess that's what happens when you share the same dog bowl

    
    grosssssssssssss
    
    :-) 
    

From:	FROSTY::DOYLE_D      "NH-HAPM Finance 264-3780" 30-MAY-1991 14:20:47.06
To:	CHRIS
CC:	DOYLE_D
Subj:	Dave Barry on Pets

    This is from Glamour Magazine December '84
    
                           A Wary Pet-Owner's Guide
               to everything from gerbils to restaurant lobsters
    
                                 By Dave Barry
    
    The first pet I ever had was an ant colony my mother gave me for 
    Christmas when I was ten.  This just goes to show the kind of deranged 
    gifts people buy under threat of Christmas.  Our house was already 
    overrun with ants, and my mother hated them.  She'd spend hours in the 
    kitchen, whapping at them with a broom.
    
    But those were ordinary house ants; the ones she bought me were 
    professional, educational ants.  The idea was that I would feed them 
    sugar water, and they would teach me the wonders of nature by doing 
    whatever ants do when they're in the privacy of their homes, as opposed 
    to when they're carrying off disgusting little pieces of old hamburger.  
    So I gave them names, fed them sugar water, and after about two days 
    they all died - probably from tooth decay.  I recall being upset at the 
    time, which is pretty ironic because I thought nothing of mashing the 
    house ants with hard-cover books.
    
    That's the whole thing about a pet: The instant you give an animal a 
    name, it ceases to be a random part of nature, and you no longer feel 
    comfortable mashing it or eating it.  Take cows.  We think nothing of 
    eating them when they're in the form of roast beef, but if you ever 
    spend a few minutes alone with an actual in-person cow, you find 
    yourself petting it and even trying to hold a conversation with it.
    
    My sister Kate used to form this kind of attachment to animals very 
    rapidly.  Our family would go to a seafood restaurant with one of those 
    tanks containing a bunch of lobsters staring at you and wearing 
    handcuffs, and before long, Kate would have given them all names.  
    She'd lean over the tank, chatting with them, and pretty soon the other 
    diners would stop eating.  They'd be staring at their plates, wondering 
    what name Kate would have given their lobsters.  Kate's a vegetarian 
    now.
    
    Thanks to my sister, we had a large assortment of pets when we were 
    kids.  We had several of those fluffy, silly little animals such as 
    hamsters, gerbils and rabbits that do nothing but sit around looking 
    terrified and pooping.  We never kept them very long.  Kate would start 
    to feel sorry for them being stuck in the cage all the time, so 
    eventually she'd let them out, and they'd scuttle across the lawn and 
    into the woods.  She thought she was doing them a great favor, but they 
    probably didn't last long out there, nosing around in the forest floor 
    in their wimpy little way, looking for food pellets like the ones they 
    always got back home.
    
    Our other major childhood pets were the reptile variety, such as 
    snakes, toads and salamanders.  But even Kate never formed any 
    meaningful relationships with them.  Reptiles are what scientists call 
    "cold-blooded animals," which means that all they ever think about is 
    murder.  You know those Japanese horror films produced in the 1950's, 
    the ones in which there is some kind of terrible atomic accident and 
    the radiation makes reptiles grow to the size of the U.S. Treasury 
    Building?  Did you ever notice that the first thing these reptiles 
    always do is go to the nearest city and start knocking over subway 
    trains and eating people?  Well, that's the dream of all reptiles.  If 
    you keep a pet lizard, it will just sit there in the cage, staring at 
    you all day in a cold-blooded manner with those beady little eyes.  Its 
    single thought is:  "I hope today's the day.  I hope there's an atomic 
    accident and I get bathed in radiation; then I'm gonna eat you.  
    Hahahahahahahahaha!"  It's a chilling thing to watch, believe me.
    
    Turtles are the only exception to my Reptile Rule.  They make loyal, 
    warm and loving pets.  I know this because two years ago I ran over a 
    turtle name Bob with my lawnmower.  (My son, who was then two and could 
    receive signals from outer space, informed me with great confidence 
    that the turtles name was Bob.)  Now, I didn't run over him on purpose, 
    you understand; I have enough trouble keeping my lawnmower going 
    without clogging it up with turtles.  Bob was unhurt, though, because 
    Mother Nature has equipped turtles with hard shells to protect them 
    from lawnmowers.  In fact, Bob seemed to take a real shine to us after 
    that incident, and he hung around our lawn for an entire summer, which 
    I think was warm and loving behavior for a turtle.  (Or maybe the 
    blades had taken his legs off.  it was hard to tell; I was afraid to 
    mow the lawn after that so the grass got pretty high.)
    
    Based on my credentials as the owner of a great many animals, I'd have 
    to say that the very best kind of pet is a dog.  When I say "dog" I 
    mean a DOG, which is a large, bounding type of salivating animal with 
    bad breath, not those squeaky little things that sit on people's laps 
    and wear sweaters and go into frenzies of excitement at the sound of 
    their own parasites.  Zoologists tell us that these are not really dogs 
    at all:  They are members of the pillow family.
    
    The thing I like about most dogs is that they listen to you.  I can 
    spend hours talking to my German shepard, Shawna, explaining my views 
    on world affairs.  She drinks in every word.  I only wish I could hear 
    what she's thinking:
    
    ME:  You know, Shawna, our involvement in Central America has me very 
         concerned.
    
    MY DOG:  I wonder if he's going to give me some food.
    
    ME:  I mean, the parallels with Vietnam are positively eerie.
    
    MY DOG:  Maybe he'll give me some food now.
    
    ME:  Of course, there's no denying that the Cubans are actively invoked.
    
    MY DOG:  Any minute now he's going to go into the kitchen and get me 
             some food.
    
    
    In my experience, cats rarely show this kind of interest in world 
    affairs.  And if a cat likes you, it shows its affection by sinking its 
    claws deep into your flesh and trying to climb up your leg so it can do 
    God-knows-what to your face.  So I never had a really positive 
    relationship with a cat.
    
    I also have trouble with the idea of having a pet.  Horses have 
    enormous bodies with hard feet that could easily stomp a person into 
    the consistency of grits.  And you can never trust a horse because you 
    can't look it straight in the eyes.  A horse has eyes about the size of 
    cue balls, and they're located on opposite sides of its head, sometimes 
    as much as several feet apart.  So while one eye is gazing at you in a 
    friendly and Trigger-like way, the other eye, over where you can't see 
    it, could have a shrewd and calculating look, the look of an animal 
    that's thinking:  "What would happen to me if I stomped him to death?"
    
    I've also learned to rule out fish as pets because every time I've ever 
    had them the same thing always happens.  I put them in the water, and 
    they start doing what fish always do:  Look for a way out of the tank.  
    they swim to one end and say to themselves, "Nope! Not here!"  Then 
    they swim to the other end and say, "Nope!  Guess I'll try the other 
    end!"  And so on, hundreds of thousands of times a day, day in and day 
    out, until they get deadly fish rot and die.
    
    Every five years or so, my wife and I have a seizure of optimism and 
    decide to try topical fish again.  We spend $50 on fish, fish food, 
    medicine, filters and special fish gravel.  Then we pH the water in the 
    tank and adjust the temperature and the pH (whatever that is) because 
    it has to be just so, or your fish will die (or so they tell you at the 
    pet store).
    
    You wonder how these fish survive in their natural tropical 
    environment, with plain old natural gravel and nobody to adjust the 
    water temperature and pH for them.
    
    Then we put in the fish, give them names and soon come to love them as 
    members of the family. One day we notice that Big-Tail Bob's fins are 
    starting to rot away.  So we put in some medicine, but before long, the 
    rot has attacked them all, and some of them are swimming upside down.  
    Finally, the fish have no fins at all, just their little central 
    bodies, and we just can't stand it anymore, watching them flop around 
    bereft of dignity.  So with heavy hearts we put them down the garbage 
    disposal and put the tank back in the basement and swear we will never, 
    ever, try to have fish again.  And we don't - until the next seizure of 
    optimism strikes us.
    
    So, all things considered, I would say that my only really successful 
    attempt at petowning has been my dog.  Sure, she'll never be a great 
    conversationalist, but she's my most faithful companion.  When I'm 
    feeling depressed, when the so-called "intelligent" human beings in my 
    life have let me down, when it seems as though I have no friends, I can 
    always count on Shawna to somehow sense that I need comforting.  She'll 
    nose the door open, pad into the room, lie down next to me, and start 
    heaving on the carpet.
    

Two guys were driving along one day when the driver noticed he was
getting low on gas.  He pulled into a local gas station that had a
sign up saying "FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP".  The male attendant filled
the tank, took the money, and started to walk away.  The driver
called him back and said, "What about the free sex?"  The attendant
told him that he also had to answer a question correctly first.
He said, "Pick a number from 1 to 10."  The driver said, "OK, 7."
The attendant said, "I'm sorry, the number was 2."  Then the
passenger asked if he got a shot.  "Sure," said the attendant; "pick
a number between 1 and 10."  "2," said the passenger.  "Close,"
said the attendant; "the number was 3."
 
As they drove off, the passenger muttered that the game was obviously
fixed, whereupon the driver shook his head and said, "No, it's honest
alright -- my wife told me she won twice last week!"
 

<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

 Edition : 2336              Tuesday  4-Jun-1991            Circulation :  8466 

        VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH ..............................   62 Lines

        Please send subscription and backissue requests to CASEE::VNS

VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                           [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                           [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

COMPUTERWORLD 1 April

                     CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX

    In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson,
    Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating
    system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April
    Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years.  Speaking at the recent
    UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following:

    "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T 
    Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early
    release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in
    Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
    power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
    hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
    Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
    environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
    environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
    complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
    levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
    risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
    version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually
    trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
    cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped
    when we got a clean compile on the following syntax:

    for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);

    To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
    allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension!  We actually
    thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
    progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
    other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C!  It has
    taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
    marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
    but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
    general Unix and C programmer.  In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
    been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
    few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
    bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago."

    Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
    Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time. 
    Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools,
    including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they
    had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance
    their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C.  An IBM
    spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a
    hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000,
    merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'.  In a cryptic
    statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the
    Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P.
    T. Barnum was correct.

    In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating
    that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
    concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments.  And IBM
    spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is
    an internal prank gone awry.
    {COMPUTERWORLD 1 April}
    {contributed by Bernard L. Hayes}


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
        Please send subscription and backissue requests to CASEE::VNS

    Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
    provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
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<><><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 2336     Tuesday  4-Jun-1991   <><><><><><><><>

This is the 3rd time I've seen this!  Yow  -- news travels fast!

well folks,  here's a chuckle! gotta love that 'world weekly news!'
bob


RISKS-LIST: RISKS-FORUM Digest  Thursday 6 June 1991  Volume 11 : Issue 84

        FORUM ON RISKS TO THE PUBLIC IN COMPUTERS AND RELATED SYSTEMS 
   ACM Committee on Computers and Public Policy, Peter G. Neumann, moderator

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 6 Jun 91 14:09:31 EDT
From: mcc@moscom.com (Mike Corbett)
Subject: "MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!"  -- A new computer risk?     

                              [WWN's Computer Story Generator Strikes Again!]

                       MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!
                Bizarre illness jamming up his brain waves!

Caption: SICK COMPUTER passed on a bizarre virus to programmer John Stevens,
above, after it became ill from an infected software program.

By Michael Todd, Special Correspondent, {Weekly World News}, 18 June 1991

   John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think
logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus!
Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia
suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illness is something he got
from his sick computer.  And the victim's doctor agrees.  "I've run every test
I can think of to trace the origin of his illness," said Dr. Mark Fordland.
"He has a virus, but it's not like any virus I've ever seen."
   Stevens, 32, said his computer began to show signs of a virus - a software
program designed to eat up an destroy other software data - about a week before
he got sick.  "I was careless about borrowing software programs from other
people I didn't know well," Stevens admits.
   Dr. Fordland, himself a computer expert, agrees.  "Borrowing software
programs from friends and strangers is like having sex with someone you don't
know well.  When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they've ever
slept with.  When you borrow someone's software program, you're connected to
everyone who's ever used that program."  Dr. Fordland concludes that Stevens'
symptoms are identical to that of a software virus' attack on a computer.
"Stevens has become forgetful, like something is eating up his memory, his
data.  He has less and less energy.  He can't hold onto thoughts.  Even an EEG
(electroencephalogram) of his brain waves keeps changing.  It's becoming more
and more erratic.  "This virus could just eat him up until his mind is a blank
and he's like a vegetable," the doctor said.

                      25 Ways to Cope with STRESS
 
1.	Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. 
        See how many you can do at once.
 
2. 	Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
 
3.	Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
 
4.	When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
 
5.	Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
 
6. 	Dance naked in front of your pets.
 
7.	Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school
	as if nothing is wrong.
 
8.	Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
 
9.	Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
	places.
 
10.	Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
 
11. 	Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
 
12.	Go shopping. Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.
 
13.	Buy a subscription of "Sleeziod Weekly" and send it to your boss's
        wife.
 
14.	Pay your electric bill in pennies.
 
15.	Drive to work in reverse.
 
16.	Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
 
17.	Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it
	out.
 
18. 	Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
 
19. 	Polish your car with ear wax.
 
20.	Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
 
21.	Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
	you.
 
22. 	Braid the hairs in each nostril.
 
23.	Write a short story using alphabet soup.
 
24.	Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
 
25.	Make up a language and ask people for directions.
 

    Bonus.  Replace the filling of a Twinkey with ketchup and place it back 
	    in the wrapper.
 

	[forwards removed]


  
                                RUN NOTES

                              by Dan Murphy
        (with vague apologies to Tony Hatch, writer of "Downtown")


    When you're alone and life is making you lonely
        you can always go -- RUN NOTES
    When you need contacts just login to your VAX
        and soon you too can go -- RUN NOTES.
    Going out at night these days is fraught with risks and dangers,
    Punks and muggers, cops and bums, and oddly dressing strangers,
    Boy, can you lose!
    But life is much kinder here,
    You can discuss "books" and "movies", "red-sox" and "beer", just go
    RUN NOTES, "human_relations" waits,
    RUN NOTES, "singles" will get you dates,
    RUN NOTES, "weddings" may hold your fate, now.


    Don't have a fear, and don't let work interfere
        When you would rather go -- RUN NOTES
    Your boss doesn't mind, he's opened "comics" or "wines",
        He too would rather go -- RUN NOTES
    You can let it all hang out, it's therapy, it's freeing,
    You can note and never see another human being,
    What a relief.
    There may be religious fights
    In "canines", "womannotes", "flying", "fishing", or "kites", when you
    RUN NOTES, "soapbox" is full of gas,
    RUN NOTES, "sexcetera" is gone, alas,
    RUN NOTES, "netparty" will be a blast, now.
    
    RUN NOTES, the Minstrels are not immune,            
    RUN NOTES, after our final tune,                    
    RUN NOTES, we'll all meet in "folk_music"* soon!     


        * - All these names are actual enet notesfiles.  As Dave Barry (also
    a notesfile) would say, "I'm not making this up."

=====================
Forwarding permission granted provided the by-line remains.



[ed. note: the last stanza refers to the New Spit Brook Minstrels, at whose
 concert at ZKO on June 5, 1991, this masterpiece premiered. --NE]

There was a guy who had beautiful sports car that he loved to drive through
winding country roads to relax.  One day he was enjoying a nice ride in the
country.  As he approached a blind curve, a car came careening around on the
wrong side of the road at a great speed.  This car swerved back and avoided
him in the nick of time.  The women driving yelled, "Pig!" as she went
by.  Well, the guy responded back, "Cow!".  "How dare she call me pig!", he
thought.  "It was she who was driving so poorly."  Well, he was feeling rather 
smug as he had gotten the last insult in. He then proceeded around the curve
and hit the pig that was in the middle of the road.

    There were three DEC managers on hunting trip out in the middle
    of no-where.  They had been dropped off by plane and when they were
    dropped off the pilot warned them that they better not come back
    with three dear or they would not be able to bring them all back.
    So he left them there and said see you in a couple of days.  When
    it was time to pick them up he flew in and sure enough there they
    were with three dear.  He looked at them  and said "I thought that
    I told you not to get three dear or you would have to leave them 
    two of them behind.  The managers looked at him and said "Here 
    we will each give you 50 bucks so that you will take us and all
    three dear, and by the way the pilot last year took the 150 bucks 
    and took us out so what do you say".  After some more discussion
    the pilot finally agreed.  They took off but after they got into the
    air they lost altitude and crashed....luckily there were no injuries.
    One of the managers took a look around and as he was doing so another
    manager asked..."Do you know where we are"   the other manager replied
    "Yea about fifty yards from where we crashed last year".
    
    
    rich

The teacher has set the class an assignment.  He stresses the
importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in
the immediate family (with a note from another family member).
 
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?"
 
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:


 


"Well, Robert, I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other
hand."

    Went to the ball game last night (%^&($^*% Reardon!) and the Mariner's
    1st base coach was named . . . Rusty Kuntz!  Wonder if they are any
    Harolds in the family?
    
    We had dinner in one of Fenway's function rooms - maybe we could rent
    it out for a DECHead ball game?  We could substitute Rasta Pasta for
    the steamship round of beef!
    
    Jamie

In surveys, questionnaires, etc., when women are asked what quality they value
most in a man, the majority of them say a sense of humor.  Women across the
country would run and knock over, say, Mel Gibson, to get to Buddy Hackett.
At night they dream about the Three Stooges.  Women sweat and spin under the
sheets, tearing at their nightgowns and moaning, "Shemp ... SHEMP ...."

>At night they dream about the Three Stooges.  Women sweat and spin under the
>sheets, tearing at their nightgowns and moaning, "Shemp ... SHEMP ...."
    
    Oh, THAT explains it! :-)
    
    tim
    

    Women dream about the Three Stooges ???  Not even in a joke ... ;^)
    
    The following is an excerpt from an article by Richard Roeper called 
    "Men and Women are Different".  The article appeared in the March, 
    1987 issue of New Women.
    
    	"Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
    	TV, and an episode of The Three Stooges comes on.  Immediately,
    	the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously and
    	even try to imitate the actions of Curly; man's favorite stooge.
    	The women will roll their eyes, groan, and wait it out."
    
    	   ... sounds like a pretty fair generalization to me ...
    
    								  ... Bob
    

    re .-1
    
    I think I'm the only male in the world who doesn't even get a flicker
    of a smile from the Three Stooges.  I honestly can't stand them.  Now 
    the Marx Brothers -- they're funny!!
    
    Jamie

	Yea, I am not too impressed by the Three Stooges either,
	but Buddy Hackett .... oh my oh my!  ;^)

    
    being interested (or understanding the need for..)a certain kind of 
    music is a turn on for me. 
    
                          no joke

    Look...I'm not gonna take this stooges bashing!  I'm on my way right
    now to call the national hate line and complain about Stooges bashing!
                                                                       rfb   

    The Three Stooges are about as funny as a combination of Yakov
    Smirknoff and Gallagher.  They dragged slapstick to an all time low
    point, and produced films that can only be enjoyed by couch potato
    stoners with third grade mentalities.  Stooges fans should be required
    to wear a prominent symbol of their deviant lifestyle, such as an image
    of two fingers plunging into eye sockets, so that they can be avoided
    by right thinking individuals.  Better yet, round them up and send them
    to the moon, where they can reflect on such important topics as "just
    how much worse was Shemp?"  The world would be a better place if the
    Stooges and their fans were banished forever.
    
    re .179  My earlier reply hardly bashed them at all, so I thought I'd
    make up for it.  I feel much better now.  :^)  :^)
    
    Jamie

    RE .180
    
    Woobwoobwoobwoobwoob ...
    
    
    
    Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk ...
    
    					... just say Moe ... ;^)
    

    RE: .180
    
    I resemble those remarks!!!
    
                        

I'm proud to be a couch potato stoner with a third-grade mentality!

Stooge fans unite!

Just say Moe!

Why I oughta...

I always thought Curly'd look great with a big "hi mom" tatooed on top
of his head 8-).  Hey, if you didn't watch the Three Stooges, how would
you know how you can stick your hand in front of your nose in self-defense
when someone tries to poke you in the eyes, hmmmm???

peace,
t!ng

    Moe, Larry the CHEESE!!!! Moe, Larry the CHEESE!

3rd grade mentality? Mom'll be proud to know those 25 years in second grade 
finally paid off ;-)

At least no one's bashed Ernie Kovacs yet


Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

    If it weren't for igpay atinlay, I never would've been able to 
    survive Catholic school. ;-)

eyhay errygay, ou'reyay illstay erehay!!  Iay (how do you translate this one
anyways??) oughtthay ou'dyay ebay niay oloradoCay...

How's that??

eacepay,
!ngtay

    RE: <<<Note 104.189 by SKYLRK::TING "Give Peace a Chance!!!" >>>

    >>> ... Iay (how do you translate this one anyways??)

    Ehay !ngTay!
    
    If I remember right, words starting vowels get appended with either
    hay or yay (but I forget which).  So it's either Iyay or Ihay.
    
    Anyone game for horse-latin? 

>    Anyone game for horse-latin? 

onlyhay ifhay Ihay on'tday avehay otay eleanray ithay -)8ay !!ay

!ngtay_owhay_inksthay_5ay_earsyay_ofhay_egularray_atinlay_ishay_enoughhay -}8ay

    alktay ighray!
    
    					/ashslay_wohwy_inksthey_atthay_
    					eethray_otesnay_ofay_igpay_atinlay
    					-is_oughenay-evernay_indmay_5ay
    					earsyay_ofay_ealray_atinlay!!!!!!ay
    

Its so hot we had to boil the water coming out of the tap just to cool it off!


Its so hot all the corn in the fields popped, the horses thought it was snow
and froze to death!

    
    When I woke up this morning, the DJ on WNEW was saying, "It's so hot,
    that if you're getting dressed right now.. don't wear any underware!"
    
    

    On the other hand, this would be a great time to introduce the world to
    water-cooled skivvies, now wouldn't it ... ;^)
    
    ... Bobbb
    

Birth control weather :^)

At my terminal I sat typing,
Trying hard to fight off napping.
When there came a slight, soft rapping,
Rapping on my office door,
Only that and nothing more.

Then I sat up, startled, freaking
Just to hear a voice a-speaking
"Your presence now I am a-seeking,
Seeking on the lobby floor,
Bring your badge and nothing more"

What is this I'm a-hearing?
Is it the news that I've been fearing?
Now my desk they'll soon be clearing,
Clearing posters off my door,
Varnished wood and nothing more.

I bolted upright, staggered, straining
From my head the blood a-draining
See the hurt and shock I'm feigning
Feigning hurt and loss galore
Pure BS and nothing more

Now the bloody axe is falling
Now the perpetrater stalling
"Personnel may soon be calling,
Call you to another chore"
I think, "Right pal, nevermore"

In my beach chair I'm a-napping
Now my consciousness is sapping
By the soothing steady lapping,
Lapping waves upon the shore
Just this beer, then a few more...

-.1  :-) very Poe phetic

    Good creative parody there dave,...
    
    unfortunately,.. not a good subject for a joke though
    
    too close to home right now,.. but I guess thas what inspired you in
    the first place eh?
    
    								
    

I shoulda put {headers deleted} ... I didn't make it up.

My humble apologies for the inappropriate subject.  :^/

Article         2735
Date: Mon, 8 Jul 91 19:30:8 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: mokry@ctr.columbia.edu (Robert Mokry)
Subject: Talk it over.
 
George Bush and Saddam Hussein decide to settle their differences in a
civilized manner by discussing the matter.  So they meet on neutral
ground, midway between the swings and the sandbox, while all the
little kids respectfully gather round.  Bush is clumsily carrying
several rolled-up carpets, and Saddam is holding some empty cans of
Budweiser.
 
Bush:  You shouldn't have taken my toy.
Saddam:  It was not your toy.  It was my toy.
Bush:  Since you won't give me back my toy, we are at war.
Saddam:  I am not at war with you.  I am at war with Israel.
Bush:  You are not at war with Israel.
Saddam:  Yes I am.
Bush:  No you're not.
Saddam:  Yes I am.
Bush:  No you're not.
Saddam:  I am the leader of this miserable little country, and if I say
         I am at war with Israel, then I am at war with Israel.
Bush:  Well, I am the leader of a very much bigger country with every 
       weapon known to man, and I say you're not at war with Israel but
       you're at war with me.
Saddam:  No I'm not.
Bush:  Yes you are.
Saddam:  No I'm not.
Bush:  Look, if we were not at war, would I do this?  [Throws several
       carpets on Saddam.]
Saddam:  But if I were not at war with Israel would I do this?  [Throws 
         a can of Bud at Israel.  Israel ducks and screams bloody murder.]
Bush:  You're just trying to evade the issue.
Saddam:  No I'm not.  I was retaliating.
Bush:  You can't retaliate like that.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  No you can't.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  No you can't.
Saddam:  Yes I can.
Bush:  Be quiet or I will hit you.
Saddam:  If you hit me, I will use my secret weapon.  Then you will be 
         very sorry.
[Bush hits Saddam, and Saddam falls down.]
Saddam:  MOMMY!!
[Bush looks around nervously, but when no mother appears, he becomes 
more confident.]
Bush:  Aw, your mother wears combat boots.
Saddam:  Yeah, well, so what?  At least my mother didn't marry me.
Bush:  Don't ever say such terrible things, Mr. SOD-OM Hussein.
Saddam:  Stop mispronouncing my name.  You always mispronounce my name.
Bush:  SOD-OM, SOD-OM, SOD-OM.
Saddam:  Well, at least I can.  Perhaps there's a reason why you're 
         called BUSH.
Bush:  Now stop saying that.  I don't have a bush.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
Bush:  No I don't.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
Bush:  No I don't.
Saddam:  Yes you do.
[Bush pulls his pants down and wiggles his waggle at Saddam.]
Bush:  See, I don't.
[Faced with this open act of aggression, Saddam drops his pants too.
For a long time Bush and Saddam wiggle their waggles at each other,
and all the little kids who watch are greatly impressed.]
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
If you post instead of mailing, it screws up the reply-address sometimes.
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

This is from the Stanford Univ. BBoard
 
Did you all see that article in the Sunday Examiner about yawning? Page 3
of the Sunday Punch section, in case you missed it.
 
Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry
entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning",
describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug
Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of
spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned.
 
The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3
months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10
days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug,
since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she
was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning.
 
Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he
found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue
the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness
and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom".

    ya, I saw that....it's making the rounds here in colo. I'm asking my
    Doctor for those instead of Valium for my nervous condition next
    time....REALLY! %^)
    
                                                     rfb (yawn)

    ...I've been REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALY
    depressed lately......screw the condom go for Dependz
    
    
    rich

One Toke Under the Line: Pot Quiz for Justice Wannabes
by Richard Leiby, Washington /Post/ Staff Writer
[reproduced without permission]
 
  So apparently it's okay to have smoked a little dope.  Provided,
of course, that you were still in college, /experimenting/, because
it was the '60's then and people did nutty things.  Like wearing
sunglasses at night, which seemed cool at the time, but was stupid,
really.
  That's how the White House officially distinguishes Supreme Court
nominee Clarence Thomas from Douglas Ginsburg, whose nomination
crashed and burned a few years back when it was disclosed that he
had indulged in reefer into his thirties.
  We asked the White House yesterday to spell out any of the
president's additional criteria pertaining to a marijuana-use
statute of limitations in judicial appointments.  A spokesman
informed us that there were none.  This made us suspect duplicity;
we suspect the nominate/don't nominate formula falls into the
same gray zone as highway speed limits: Posted at 55, but you're
safe at 62, right?
  Surely other factors apply.  Your /reason/ for smoking.  How
/much/ you smoked.  How /long/ you smoked.  How /small/ a roach
you could hold.
  But the White House stonewalled.
  It falls to us, then, to figure out the formula to determine
the Thomas Standard vs. the Ginsberg Standard.
  Clip and save, in case your name is ever put in nomination for
an appointment to the US Supreme Court.  Low score is best.
 
  If you ever smoked marijuana, start with 10 points.
  1. How often did you use it?
  (a) Once, and only because of unbearable peer pressure, and you
didn't actually inhale.  (Subtract 3)
  (b) Once, and you didn't like it.  (-2)
  (c) Once, and you liked it but threw up.  (-1)
  (d) You own a nitrogen-cooled, nine-hose Turkish hookah.  (Add 10)
 
  2. Regarding the credibility of your denial, describe your current
physical appearance:
  (a) Jut-jawed Senatorial.  (-2)
  (b) Bespectacled, Tweedy Professorial.  (-1)
  (c) Sonny Bono/Cher.  (+2)
  (d) Deadhead/Dreadlocks.  (+10)
 
  3. Length of time since you last smoked:
  (a) More than 10 years ago.  (-1)
  (b) Three to 10 years.  (+5)
  (c) Three years or less.  (+20)
  (d) Currently high.  (+50)
 
  4. Stated judicial philosophy on marijuana:
  (a) Unalterable opposition to legalization.  (-1)
  (b) Life imprisonment for dealers.  (-5)
  (c) Life imprisonment for manufacturers of "bongs."  (-10)
  (d) "Dope will get you through times of no money better
	than money will get you through times of no dope."  (+5)
 
  5. Degree of temptation you were exposed to:
  (a) You were in Vietnam.  (-10)
  (b) Your girlfriend/boyfriend had a waterbed and a black light.   (-5)
  (c) You lived in a commune with Wavy Gravy.  (+10)
  (d) You needed marijuana to help come down from acid.  (+20)
 
  6. Your degree of remorse:
  (a) The Thomas Concession: "I express regret."  (-2)
  (b) The Ginsburg Principle: "It was a mistake."  (-5)
  (c) The Barry Standard: "The bitch set me up."  (+20)
 
Scoring:
0 or less: Justice.
1 or more: No justice.
 

    Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 14:03:42 PDT
    From: autodesk!angst!jduke@fernwood.mpk.ca.us (Jeff Duke)
    Message-Id: <9107192103.AA02105@angst.YP.acad>
    To: gossip@smarmy.Corp.Sun.COM
    Subject: Maybe it's not to late
    
    Listen Up, All You Punk Rockers Who Call The Rolling Stones Old
            Dave Kansas - Wall Street Journal
    
            Throughout the calm retirement community of Sun City, Ariz.,
    residents are turning down their hearing aids.  Interrupting
    the hum of lawn mowers and golf carts is a wailing electric
    guitar.  A visiting grandson?  No.  It's the latest sound in
    the Phoenix area, a senior citizen's punk-rock band called One
    Foot In The Grave.
            "They play some hard-driving music," says
    disc jockey Mary McCann at Tempe's alternative-music station
    KUKQ, which has played one of the group's songs.  "But
    sometimes it gets a little polkaesque."
            The polka-punk sound, which threatens to put Sun City on the
    music map, has been maturing for three years.  With two recent
    local performances and some Phoenix-area air play of a
    group-made tape, the band may be on the verge of breaking out.
            The driving force is lead singer Jo Dina, who founded the
    group after placing newspaper ads for musicians.  Ms. Dina, a
    51-year-old retired mortician, has penned such songs as
    "Menopause":
    
            "Hit my son during my hot flash
             for pointing out my new moustache
             The house is a wreck and I don't care
             I just sit around in men's underwear."
    
    Another of her downbeat ditties:
    
            "Aches, pains, capital gains
             We're senior citizens in the slow lane
             Life gets nutso, sometimes it's the pits
             When we see our friends' names in the obits."
    
            Guitarist Danny Walters, 74, may be responsible for the
    polka sound -- he spent 20 years as music arranger for Lawrence
    Welk.  Mr. Walters, who says he only recently discovered the
    distortion button on his guitar amp, performs in a jacket with
    a patch of heavy-metal band Megadeath.
            Cloaked in a leather jacket, with rhinestones proclaiming
    that "Elvis Lives," drummer Gene Costa, also 74, hardly seems
    like a punk rocker. Mr. Costa, a retired court reporter, didn't
    pick up the drums until after his 60th birthday.  Keyboardist
    Gavin Wieser, at 48, is the baby of the group.
             In high hopes, the Sun City troupe has put together and
    sent off to record companies a demo tape with seven original
    tunes.  And like any new band, they are dreaming of national
    exposure.  "We would love to tour, if we could find a sponser to
    back us," Ms. Dina said.  "I figure that Geritol would be a natural."
            Of course, punk rockers rehearsing in a retirement community
    have special constraints. "We generally have to quit by 9 p.m.,"
    Ms. Dina says.

    Back when we were kids, 
    we used to cruze Sun-City when we were lost in that area of the desert.
    mainly to cause some type of disturbance with the stereo....guess dat
    don't work now-a-days. %^)
    
                                                           rfb

    .....there is hope yet .......so howzit goin Jim........
    I have hit a serious lull do to a serious golf bug
    
    rich

Am I mistaken, or is Jerry Garcia older than the "Baby" of this Sun City band?

Jim

Jerry's going to be 49 this weekend, isn't he?

    
    thursday
    
    

Jerry should be declared a living national treasure.

    re .212,.214
    
    	Is that Jim Evans I see coming out of the woodwork?......
    
    	Hi Jim,.. and welcome back...
    
    								/
    

Speaking of Jerry.  Rumor has it that a short but prominent member of
this conference laid down no small amount of hard cash to buy a Jerry
doll this weekend and was seen dancing with it to Reggae tunes!

It was definitely a worthy purchase and only a bit more expensive than your
typical stuffed doll (and this is NO typical stuffed doll!).  :-)  Ever
since I saw him in shorts at Foxboro I have wanted to stuff Jerry and sit him
on my bed, and now I have.  :-) :-) And yes, we were dancing at the reggae fest
(more like I was coaxing him to dance!) ... he even came into work and 	danced
for Chris and Probably and Rachel and Fog.  Why, he even sang with me on the
way home and watched himself in "Berkley in the Sixties" on Sunday night!! 

Jerry and I are very happy together!  :-)  He has the same effect on me
as the "Tribbles" had on UHura et al.  ;^) ;^)

re:       <<< Note 104.218 by LEDS::MRNGDU::YETTO "child of countless dreams" >>>
>        -< I'm gonna hug him and sqeeze him and name him GEORGE!  :-) >-

And what does your honey dave think of all this competition??  ;-)

peace,
t!ng

    George ?

re:< Note 104.220 by MSHRMS::FIELDS "Up The Wazoo Without A Gizmo" >

>    George ?

Apparently, you don't watch as many Warner Brothers cartoons as Lisa does.

> Apparently, you don't watch as many Warner Brothers cartoons as Lisa does.

	or Adam as he's got it.  :-)

re t!ng:
	well, he said something about me being nuts last night.  ;^/
	Besides, he shouldn't be nervous - I'd like to stuff him and put
	him on my bed too but then I couldn't,....errr,...nevermind!  :-)

    There is this young man who over hears an older Italian man talking
    to another . . .
    
    He listens in and hears the old man say . . .
    
    Firsta Emma come, thena I come, thena two essa come, thena I come again,
    thena two essa come again, thena I pee pee; thena I come again.
    
    To which the young man looks very surprised, walks over to the old
    man and says, I couldn't help but over hear you talking.  You know,
    for an old man, you must have one hell of a sex life.
    
    
    
    "Whata sexa life?  No, no, I'm esplaina the mana how to spella
    Mississippi.

    
    Pee Wee Herman was asked if he needed a lawyer to represent him and
    said, "No thanks, I can get myself off."
    
    

    When masturbation is outlawed, only outlaws will have hands.
    
    Do the Sarasota police have nothing better to do?  We must protect our
    children from the evils of masturbation, such as . . . um . . . er . .
    . . . . chafing.
    
    Jamie

So Pee Wee's show gets yanked (slight pun intended) off the air, even though 
it's doubtful the "selfgratification" would ever have been chosen as the word of 
the day. Meanwhile, people like Jimmy Swaggart and Tammy Faye Bakker (and 
probably ol' Jim when he gets out of the tank) can stay on tv to swindle folks.

Of course, if Pee Wee had it to do over again, is suspect he'd do his viewing 
and related activities in the privacy of his own playhouse.


re -.2 Phyllis :-). I'm still laughing. Somewhat the opposite of the question,
"What do Pamela Smart's late husband & her lawyer have in common?"

neither could get her off........


j

re:  <<< Note 104.226 by SSGV02::STROBEL "duck and cover..." >>>

>So Pee Wee's show gets yanked (slight pun intended) off the air, even though 
>it's doubtful the "selfgratification" would ever have been chosen as the word 

Sorry for digressing, but I heard that Pee Wee's show got yanked because
Pee Wee got arrested somewhere for indecent exposure.  Is there any truth
to that??

peace,
t!ng

    Gee T!ng you are way out there in the mountians of Cal-eye-forn-ya !
    
    	Yes he got busted for getting to involved with himself in a XXX
    movie theater, but his show had already been axed (back in April).
    
    	Poor Pee Wee :'( I guess Miss E-Von's party dresses finally got to
    the little guy !	DA haheeeee
    
    Chris
    

    
    I don't know if there's truth in the charge, but there's truth in the
    arrest and subsequent yanking. (Slight pun copied from Jeff and
    completely unintended by me of course! :-))  I think they're in reruns 
    now anyway.
    
    :-)
    

	The following is rather crude, so please hit 'next unseen'
	if easily offended.


    Disc jockey Howard Stern commented on his radio show that
    "Pee Wee got caught in a movie theatre buttering his own popcorn."    

tom

    Tim Grady should know alittle about this....about Fla's oppresive laws
    i mean , not about buttering his own popcorn...%^)
    
                                                          rfb

    Randy,  I think I owe you one :-)...
    
    Don't know anything about the florida laws on this subject; if
    anything, my impression has been that florida is pretty lax about these
    kind of establishments - Southwest Florida has tons of them (both the
    movie houses and the strip joints) - hard core stuff.  I'm a little
    surprized at this - they may have somehow identified him and decided to
    bust him because of his celebrity.  Seeing the photo in USA Today, I'm
    surprised they recognized him - I didn't.
    
    tim
    

[forwards removed]

Article         2935
Date: Sun, 4 Aug 91 6:30:4 EDT
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: crussell@mudder.enet.dec.com (Make a little birdhouse in your soul)
Subject: "The VAXorcist" - the ultimate VAX horror story
 
 
Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?
Well, you had it easy......
 
			THE VAXORCIST
			-------------
 
             A rough draft of a video presentation
                     by Christopher Russell
       Operations Manager, Dept. of Mechanical Engineering
                     University of Maryland
   
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
(SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room.  CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is
sitting in front of the console terminal, typing.  He pauses, picks up a
small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to
the console where he continues typing.)
 
(There is a knock at the door.  SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it,
revealing USER.) 
 
USER:  Any idea when the system will be up?
 
SYSMGR:  Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run
some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works all right.  Assuming 
everything goes all right, the system should be up first thing tomorrow 
morning.
 
USER:  Great.  Thanks.  (Exits)
 
(SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)
 
ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE:  This is John Smith, University of Maryland System 
Manager.  In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just
installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX.  But little does he know that the
Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...
the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!
 
(ominous music - fade out)
 
(Fade in.  The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks up
his coat and walks to the door.  He stops at the door for a moment, looking
back at the big machine.  Finally, he turns out the light and exits,
closing the door behind him.) 
 
(Cut to the Console Terminal.  We read the following as it is printed on 
the console terminal:)
 
VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --
 
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...
 
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.
 
DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...
 
TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL
 
TESTING DECNET ...  SUCCESSFUL
 
TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL
 
TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL
 
TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...
 
(Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive.  The tape spins for a moment, 
and suddenly stops.)
 
(Cut to view of the Machine Room.  A fog has begun drifting across the 
floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light.
A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence.  A variety of bizarre 
things occur:  A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360
degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slime
begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feeding
like mad.  These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can
keep them up.  FADE OUT) 
 
(SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room.  SYSMGR walks up to the door 
and is met by USER.)
 
USER:  System going to be up soon?
 
SYSMGR:  (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the 
door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we
should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but
is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape.  Tangled at about eye
level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it.  CLOSE
UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.0
DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days.... 
 
(SCENE:  View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sitting 
in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her.  Beside her on the wall is a 
poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It".  We can
see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it.  She is
wearing a headset.) 
 
TSR:  Colorado Customer Support.  What is your access number, please?
 
SYSMGR VOICE: 31576
 
TSR:  And your name?
 
SYSMGR VOICE:  John Smith.
 
(Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console.  He his holding a phone to his 
head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is 
perusing while he talks on the phone.)
 
TSR VOICE:  And what operating system are you using?
 
SYSMGR:  VMS version 5.
 
TSR VOICE:  And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered 
product?
 
(As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen and 
he drops the printout and ducks.  At that second, a disk platter flies 
through the air where his head just was.  Slowly, SYSMGR stands up and 
looks to where the disk went.  PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a 
disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)
 
SYSMGR:  (into the phone) Operating System.  Definitely the Operating System.
 
(Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)
 
TSR:  Can you describe the problem, please?
 
(SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)
 
TSR:  Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes...  Line printers 
printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through the
air... uh huh...  disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from
the CPU board... I see... yes.  Is that all?  (pause as she finishes typing
at the terminal)  Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,
can I have them get back to you? 
 
(CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office.  
DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)
 
(SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)
 
MANAGER:  So tell me!  What the hell happened?!
 
DEVELOPER:  (turning to face MANAGER)  It's a glitch, a fluke.  A one in a 
billion chance.  And it's not Development's fault.  Not really.  
 
MANAGER:  Then whose fault is it?
 
DEVELOPER:  We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center.  It 
seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI 
routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk.  (He 
removes a CD from his jacket)  This one, to be precise.
 
MANAGER:  And what's that?
 
DEVELOPER:  (reading the label)  "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits".  
Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't 
used yet.  But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and 
the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.
 
MANAGER:  Wonderful.  Were any other distributions affected?
 
DEVELOPER:  No, just the University of Maryland's.
 
MANAGER:  Well, that's a relief.  We've got to get them taken care of
before anyone finds out.  Can you imagine what Digital Review would do 
if they heard about this?
 
DEVELOPER:  We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.
 
MANAGER:  No, we've already used that one.  This calls for drastic action. 
(MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)
 
DEVELOPER:  Who are you going to send?
 
(CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards.  The first card reads:
 
	SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Smithe, x474
 
he flips to the next card:
 
	BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Smythe, x937
 
he flips to the next card:
 
	REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle Smitty, x365
 
he flips to the next card
 
	OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike Zmith, x887
 
he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:
 
	SYSTEM F**KED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666
 
 
(CUT to Machine Room.  SYSMGR is standing by the console holding 
an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from various 
pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera.  There is 
a knock at the door.  Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opens 
it.  Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is the 
VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)
 
VAXORCIST:  (in a hushed voice)  DEC sent me.  I hear you're having some 
problems.
 
(CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on the 
walls and clutter on the desk.  As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his 
coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath.  He is wearing a DEC 
badge.)
 
SYSMGR:  (Frantic)  Problems?  Problems?!?  You could say I'm having some 
problems.  4.6 was fine.  4.7 was fine.  I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks 
loose.  The darn thing ate two of my operators this morning!
 
VAXORCIST:  Calm down, everything will be all right.  I've dealt with
situations like this before. 
 
SYSMGR:  You have?
 
VAXORCIST:  Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmer
renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the system
directory.  When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored the
entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies.  There
was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, there
was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about.  But don't worry. 
These things can be fixed.  Before I can help you, though, I have to ask
you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes a
clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurrences began after
you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct? 
 
SYSMGR:  Yes, that's correct.
 
VAXORCIST:  Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
Version 5? 
 
SYSMGR:  (confused) Installation Guide?
 
VAXORCIST:  Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.
 
SYSMGR:  (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about on 
his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)
 
VAXORCIST:  (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes.  They should have come with your 
documentation upgrade. 
 
SYSMGR:  (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the 
papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?
 
VAXORCIST:  (angry) YES!  The Documentation upgrade for your VMS
Documentation Set! 
 
SYSMGR:  Documentation S...?  Oh, you mean the grey binders?  They're over
there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST.  The VAXORCIST turns
and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders.  A small
red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAK
GLASS"). 
 
VAXORCIST:  Right.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.  Let's go 
take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.
 
(CUT to the Machine Room.  The room is neat and tidy and there is no sign 
that anything is wrong.  The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR
behind him.)
 
VAXORCIST:  Everything looks okay to me.
 
SYSMGR:  Maybe it's hibernating.
 
VAXORCIST:  Unlikely.  It's probably trying to lure us into a false sense 
of security.
 
SYSMGR:  Sounds like VMS all right.  (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)
 
VAXORCIST:  I'm going to have to test its power.  This could get ugly, you 
may want to leave.  (The SYSMGR shakes his head no.  The VAXORCIST brings 
himself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)
By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)
 
(CUT to door to the machine room.  The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which 
sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)
 
SYSMGR:  Any other bright ideas?
 
VAXORCIST:  Just shut up and get this darn stuff off of me.
 
(CUT to SYSMGRs office)
 
VAXORCIST:  (Writing on the clipboard)  Things look pretty bad.  I think 
we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here. 
 
SYSMGR:  Is there anything I can do to help?
 
VAXORCIST:  As a matter of fact, there is.  We've got to incapacitate the
VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal with
it.  Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be 
installed.  (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape)  With that running, the CPU 
will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.
 
SYSMGR:  (Examining the tape) What is it?  A program to calculate pi to the
last digit? 
 
VAXORCIST:  Better than that.  It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.
 
(CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room.  The VAXORCIST approaches the door.
As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.
 
VAXORCIST:  I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.
 
SYSMGR:  What?  You're going in there to face that thing alone?  You're 
nuts!
 
VAXORCIST:  Hey, it's my job.  (VAXORCIST turns to the door)
 
SYSMGR:  Wait a minute.  (VAXORCIST stops and turns around)  You better
take this with you.  (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking 
gun from the inside of his jacket)
 
VAXORCIST:  (Smiling)  No, I won't need that.  I've got something more 
powerful.  (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it, 
and shows it to SYSMGR.  CUT to closeup of the book which reads:  "GUIDE TO 
VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")
 
(CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX.  The VAXORCIST enters 
the room and stands in front of the VAX.  CUT to view of the Machine Room 
showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX)
 
VAXORCIST:  By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to show 
thyself.
 
VAX:  Bugger off.
 
VAXORCIST:  (Shaken)  What?
 
VAX:  I said Bugger off!  Now get out of here before I core-dump all over 
you!
 
VAXORCIST:  (Recovered)  Threaten me not, oh Evil one!  For I speak with 
the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!
 
(A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and a 
fog begins to roll across the floor.  The VAX cabinet doors slowly creak 
open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be 
the creature's eyes)
 
VAX:  There.  Happy?  Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on 
your private parts.
 
VAXORCIST:  (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in 
Gregorian chant.  The VAX screams.)
 
VAX:  Stop that!  Stop that!  You, you UNIX LOVER!  Your mother manages RSX
systems in Hell! 
 
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)
 
VAX:  Stop it!  (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST, 
apparently from the VAX).  Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!
 
(The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)
 
VAX:  Mount me!  Mount me!
 
VAXORCIST:  (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, I
banish thee back to the null-space from which you came!  (The VAX screams
and the scream fades to silence.) 
 
(CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open.  The 
VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)
 
SYSMGR:  So it's over?
 
VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.
 
SYSMGR:  (Shaking the VAXORCIST's hand) Thank God.  Listen, thanks a lot.  I
don't know what we would have done without you. 
 
VAXORCIST:  Hey, it's the least we could do.  The Software Distribution 
Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch out 
that AI routine and prevent this from happening again.  Sign here.  (he 
hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back)
Have a good one.  (VAXORCIST leaves). 
 
(SYSMGR enters the machine room.  Camera follows him in.)
 
SYSMGR:  (Calling to someone off-camera)  Okay, you guys, let's get 
rolling.  Get those backup tapes out.  We've got a clean system again!
(cheers are heard from off-camera.  The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leaving 
only the VAX with its cabinet doors still open in the picture.  Slow zoom 
in to the LSI unit.  Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red 
glow)
 
(Fade to black.  CREDITS ROLL)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu).  Please 
feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as 
this notice is left intact.  
 
Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons, 
creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.  
 
I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm not 
particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any of 
this.  Unless it's funny, then it's mine.  
 
Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and
elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of the
script and the video.

[headers removed]

In article <S2d0.29cd@looking.on.ca>, tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham) writes:
Path: nntpd.lkg.dec.com!decuac!haven.umd.edu!udel!wupost!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request
From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: C Compiler Errors (For Real).
Keywords: computer, chuckle
Message-ID: <S2d0.29cd@looking.on.ca>
Date: Wed, 7 Aug 91 06:30:04 GMT-0:07
Organization: Edinburgh University Rainbow Programmers.
Lines: 54
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca


	These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C
compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one
afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The
compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not
sure where I stand on the copyright issue.
		Tony Cunningham


"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more 
than ANSI said I should)"

"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels 
inside a switch statement'"

"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program"

"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"

"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS,
or satisfy this compiler"

"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"

"This onion [sic ;)] already has a perfectly good definition"

"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39,
lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"

"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, 
that's why)"

"Huh ?"

"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"

"we already did this function"

"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this 
label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your
window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"

"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"

"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"

"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from
your local Apple dealer"

- --
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

    
A Digital Marketing Manager had gotten married to a women who had
been married eight times before, and on his wedding night his wife
informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing
Manager since after eight marriages he would thought at least one of
her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride
to explain the phenomena. Her comments were as follows:

My first husband was a Digital Sales Representative who spent our
entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".

My second husband was from Software Services, and he was never quite
sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me 
documentation.

My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that
everything was diagnostically ok, but he just couldn't get the system 
up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said,
"those who can... do; whose who can't... teach".

My fifth husband was from Digital's Manufacturing Organization who
said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going 
to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was a Digital engineer. He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and
design a new state of the art method.

My seventh husband was from F&A. His comment was that he knew how, but 
he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
 
My eight husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that 
he was up to the standards but that regulations forbid such.

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "now I am married to you, a 
man of marketing" and the husband looked at his wife and simply said,
"I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
    

    This is NOT a sexist joke, although it might offend some portion of the
    world community, so I apologize in advance.
    
    What's the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
    
    
    
    A toilet won't follow you home after you use it. :-)
    
    See?
    

        What did the algae say to the moss?
    
    I think I'm taking a lichen to you.

[forwards deleted]

                        SNIGLETS:
   A glossary of words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.
 
 
ACCORDIONATED
(ah kor' de on ay tid)
adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time
 
BEVAMETRE
(bev' a meet uhr)
n. (a unit of measure)
   The distance a coaster, which has attached itself to the bottom of a
   wet glass, will travel before it falls back to earth.
 
BOVILEXIA
(bo vil eks' i uh)
n. Uncontrollable urge to lean out of the car window and yell "Moo!!"
   every time you pass a cow.
 
CABNICREEP
(kab' nih kreep)
n. Structural condition in which the closing of one kitchen cabinet
   causes another to open.
 
CARPERPETUATION
(kar' pur pet u ay' shun)
n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of
   lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and examining it, then
   putting it down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance.
 
CHOCONIVEROUS
(chok o niv' ur us)
adj. Having a tendency when eating a chocolate Easter bunny to bite
     off the head first.
 
DASHO
(da' show)
n. The area between a cars windscreen and dashboard, from where coins,
   pencils, etc., cannot be humanly retrieved.
 
DETERRENCY
(de ter' ren see)
n. Ruined currency found in trouser pockets after washing.
 
ELBONICS
(el bon' iks)
n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a theatre
   or an aeroplane.
 
FLIRR
(flur)
n. A photograph that features the camera operator's finger in the
   corner.
 
FRUST
(frust)
n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dustpan
   and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
   decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
 
FURNIDENTS
(fer' nih dents)
n. The indentations that appear in carpets after furniture is moved.
 
GLEEMULE
(glee' mule)
n. (a unit of measure)
   One unit of toothpaste, measured from bristle to bristle.
   (Not to be confused with GLEEMITES, which are petrified deposits
   of toothpaste found in bathroom sinks.)
 
HOZONE
(ho' zohn)
n. The mysterious place where one sock in every washing load
   disappears to.
 
LACTOMANGULATION
(lak' to man gyu lay' shun)
n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that
   one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
 
LAMINITES
(lam' in aits)
n. Those strange people who show up in the photo sections of brand-new
   wallets.
 
MAGNOCARTIC
(mag no kar' tik)
n. Any car that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.
 
MUSQUIRT
(mus' kwirt)
n. Water that comes out of the first squirts of a squeeze mustard bottle.
 
NEVITTS
(nev' itz)
n. The sandpaper-like deposits on a cats tongue.
 
PENCIVENTILATION
(pen si ven ti lay' shun)
n. The act of blowing on the tip of a pencil after sharpening it.
 
PHOZZLE
(fo' zul)
n. The buildup of dust on a gramophone needle.
 
RETROCARBONIC
(ret ro kar bon' ik)
n. Any drink machine that dispenses the liquid before the cup.
 
RIGNITION
(rig ni' shun)
n. Embarrassing action of trying to start one's car with the engine
   already running.
 
ROVALERT
(ro' val urt)
n. System whereby one dog can quickly establish an entire neighbourhood
   network of barking.
 
STRUMBLE
(strum' bul)
n. That invisible object you always pretend made you trip, when it was
   actually your own stupid clumsiness.
 
UFLATION
(yu flu ay' shun)
n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
   returning to the fridge in hopes that something new will have
   materialised.
 
UPULS
(yu' puls)
n. The blank pages at the end of books, presumably placed there so you
   can rewrite the ending.
 
WATTBOTTLE
(wot' bob bul)
n. To remove a hot light bulb by turning it for several seconds,
   letting your fingers cool, then repeating the process. This is
   generally followed by the glorious revelation of using your shirt-tail.
 
XIIDIGITATION
(ksi dij i tay' shun)
n. The practice of trying to determine the year a film was made by
   deciphering the roman numerals at the end of the credits.
 
ZIZZEBOTS
(zi' ze botz)
n. The marks visible on the bridge of a person's nose when glasses
   are removed.

President Bush was asked when he thought the remaining hostages would be
released.  He replied, "After the election."

for those of you who are looking for some new taste sensations, here's a few 
suggestions...  thanks to Hogan for forwarding them to me...

(several forwards removed)
 
 
Absolut Zero.............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar, decorated
                         with a paper umbrella
Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks
Shirley MacLaine.........Sugar, carbonated water, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
                         (what ginger ale and grenadine were in a previous life)
Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass
Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birdseed
Three Men and a Baby.....Jim Beam, Jack Daniel's, Johnny Walker, and Enfamil
Three Mile Island........Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium
 
 
 

    ...lets makem on the bus...
    one more
    Black Asphalt....100 proof vodka and maple syrup
    
    
    rich

	Howsabout this one:


	Grapeful Dead:	Grape juice and formaldehyde ;-)

	Cap'n Morgans' Spiced rum, Coleman Fuel, and Sterno...

:-)

    Pina Colada flavored wine, Boones Farm, Preperation H.

{headers removed}

John walked in the bar and the bartender, Sam, said, "What'll
it be, Buddy?"

John said, "You mean you don't know me? I'm John!"

Sam told him that he had never seen him before and never heard of
him. John was astounded. He said, "Heck, everybody knows me!"

This went back and forth for a while and then the bartender waged
John $100 that Michael Jackson did know him. As it happened,
Michael was in town for a concert and John replied, "Michael and
I go way back. Let's go to the concert!"

At the end of Michael's performance, John took Sam backstage and
they ran head on into Michael Jackson. Michael looked up and said,
"John! How are you doing? It's great seeing you." After
catching-up on old times, they left and Sam paid John the $100.

About a week later, John stopped into Sam's bar and Sam said,
"John, I finally came with a person that I know won't know you -
Pope John Paul."

John replied, "Well, Sam, actually I know His Excellency quite
well and we have shared many theological conversations in the past."

So, Sam, sure he was bluffing, bet John $5,000 and an all-expense
paid trip to the Vatican if the Pope in fact did know him. John
readily accepted the bet.

They flew to the Vatican and John wandered in as Sam stayed in
the courtyard just outside the main building where the Pope
resides. About a half hour later, the Pope comes out on the
balcony and waves to the crowds below and, lo and behold, right
by his side is John and the Pope has his arm around him.

John looks down to try to spy Sam and he sees him. Just then he
notices a woman whisper something to Sam and then Sam faints.

After John and Pope John Paul say their goodbyes, he goes out to
the courtyard and finds Sam who is now conscious. John asks Sam
what happened.

Sam replies, "Well, I saw you up there with the Pope and his arm
was around you as two good friends. But then, the lady next to
excuses herself and asks me, "Hey, do you know who that guy is
up there with John?"

Mr. Yeltzin, you've just stood up to a military coup and rallied your people
towards freedom and democracy.  What are you going to do now?








I'm going to Disney World!!!

    In the beginning was the plan 
    And then came the assumptions
    And the assumptions were without
    form And the plan was without 
    substance And the darkness was 
    on the face of the workers
    And they spoke amongst 
    themselves, saying
    "It is a crock of shit, and it
    Stinketh"  And the workers went
    unto their supervisors and sayeth
    "It is a pail of dung and none
    may abide the odor thereof"  The
    supervisors went unto their 
    managers and sayeth unto them "It
    is a container of excrement and 
    it is very strong, such that none 
    may abide by it"  And the 
    managers went unto their 
    directors and sayeth "It is a 
    vessel of fertilizer, and none 
    may abide its strength"  The
    directors spoke amongst
    themselves, saying to one 
    another, "It contains that which
    aids plant growth, and it is very 
    strong"  The directors went unto
    the vice presidents and sayeth
    unto them "It promotes growth
    and is very powerful"  and the
    vice presidents went and sayeth
    unto the president "This new plan
    will actively promote the growth
    and efficiency of the company,
    and these areas in particular"
    And the president looked upon the 
    plan, and saw that it was good, 
    and the plan became policy,
    This is how shit happens.

What's one difference between the USSR and the US?










The US has a Communist party.

{headers removed}
  
One time on Saturday Night Live, Dennis Miller made mention of a "new movie"
coming out called "Crocodile Gandhi".  In a similar vein, Not Necessarily The
News (on HBO) once had a teaser for "Superman III, Psycho II".  My friends
and I here at UNC have come up with some "sequels" of our own, titles that
combine the titles of already existing movies.  See what you think, and please
email us if you come up with some yourself!  The list is always growing...
 
	Dirty Dances With Wolves
	What About Bob And Carol And Ted And Alice?
	Pee Wee's Big Adventures In Babysitting
	Marathon Rain Man
	When Dirty Harry Met Sally...
	Nightmare On Wall Street
	Star Trek II: The Grapes Of The Wrath Of Khan
	License To Kill A Mockingbird
	The Year Of Johnny Dangerously
	Young Naked Guns
	The Elephant Man With Two Brains
	Peggy Sue Got Married To The Mob
	Three Men And Rosemary's Baby
	Lambada: The Forbidden Planet
	Zorro, The Gay Blade Runner
	2001 Dalmatians
	Smokey And The Time Bandits
	The Creature From The Blue Lagoon
	Terminators Of Endearment
 
....and our favorite...
 
	Godzilla Must Be Crazy!
 
 
Hope to hear from everyone!
 
Dan, Al, and Kev @ UNC
 
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
 
Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,
Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes.

{headers removed}

From: schwartz_m@wmois.enet.dec.com 
Subject: Quote of the Day


          "Only two significant things came out of Berkeley; LSD and
           UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence."

A friend mof mine bought a new t-shirt at Martha's Vinyard last weekend that 
says:

			I got blown by Bob

;^)

    Now wait just a damn minute here ... I don't even KNOW your friend. 
    Things like that can really hurt a guy's reputation, ya know ... ;^)
    
    ... Bob
    

really,

i'll bet a dave put you up to that....
:)
bob

I've come up with (except for the 1st one which a friend told me a few months 
back) a few more of the combined movie titles. :-)

The Grateful Dead Poet Society Movie
The Magnificent Seven Year Itch
The Sunshine Boys in the 'hood
New Jack City Slickers
Mo' Better Blues Brothers
What's Up Doc Hollywood
The Postman Always Rings Twice in a Lifetime
Couch Trip to Bountiful
Escape from New York Stories
Flashdances with Wolves
The Color (of) Purple Money
Purple Rain Man
Live & Let Die Hard
Kiss of the Spider Woman in Red
The Woman in Red Heat
Room with a View to a Kill
Ordinary Cat People
Radio Days of Thunder
About last night of the Living Dead
Raging Bull Durham
Naked Gun(s) of Navarone
The Man who would be king & I
Slow Boat to China Syndrome
Russia House of Cards
Hellcats of the Navy Seals
Troop Beverly Hills Cop
Earth Girls are Easy Money
Howard the Duck Soup
The Adventures of Roger Rabbit Test
The Fabulous Baker Boys from Brazil
Northwest Passage to India
To Live and Die in LA Story
Stakeout of Africa
Animal House Party
American Graffiti Bridge
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice's Restaurant
Fast Times at Ridgemont High Plains Drifter
Any Which Way but Loose Change

    Hey, some of those are really good!!   (I'm the same way - brain dead
    except for useless trivia :-)

    I love this one :-)
    
>Earth Girls are Easy Money
    
    Hey, how 'bout
    
    "Gone with the Winds of Change" ???
    
    ML

    

<forwardings deleted>


        Frank Perdue (of Chicken fame) gets an audience with the 
        Pope (of Catholic fame). After paying the usual respects, 
        Frank gets down to business.
        
        "Pope, I'd like to make a gift of $20 million to the 
        Church," Frank says.
        
        "Bless you, my son. May you be rewarded in the kingdom of 
        Heaven," the Pope replies.
        
        "Well, Father, thanks, but there's something you can do 
        for me down here. You know that part of the Lord's Prayer 
        that goes, 'Give us this day our daily bread'? I'd like 
        you to change that to 'Give us this day our daily 
        chicken.'"
        
        The Pope is surprised and slighly amused. "I'm sorry, my 
        son, but I can't do that. The Lord's Prayer is a very old 
        and traditional prayer."
        
        Frank replies "OK, Padre, I understand it won't be easy 
        -- I'll give you $40 million."
        
        "My son, you don't understand. We can't just change the 
        Lord's Prayer like that."
        
        "Father, I know there will be a lot of clerical costs, so 
        to cover all that, I'll make it $80 million."
        
        The Pope shakes his head. "I'm sorry, I just can't do it. 
        Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a meeting with the 
        cardinals to attend..." The Pope gets up to leave.
        
        Frank senses his last chance. "OK, Pope, you win. Every 
        man has his price. Change the Lord's Prayer for me, and 
        I'll donate $100 million to the Church."
        
        The Pope stops in his tracks, considers, and says "All 
        right, my son, I'll see what I can do." He then heads off 
        to his meeting with the cardinals. When he arrives, he 
        says "I have good news and bad news."
        
        The cardinals ask "What's the good news?"
        
        The Pope replies "We just collected a $100 million 
        donation to the Church."
        
        "Praise the Lord! What's the bad news?"
        
        
        
        
        
        
        "We just lost the WONDERBREAD account."
        

Have not seen that one before!

:-)

thanks carol!

    			
    			Rules of Bedroom Golf
    			---------------------
    
    1.  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally
    	one club and two balls
    
    2.  Course play must be approved by owner of the hole.
    
    3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
    	while keeping the balls out.
    
    4.  For most effective play, the club should have a stiff shaft.  The
    	course owner is permitted to check shaft stiffness prior to play.
    
    5.  The course owner reserves the right to restrict the length of the
    	club to avoid damage to the hols.
    
    6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
    	until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.  
    	Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to replay
    	the course.
    
    7.  It is considered bad form to begin playing the course immediately
    	upon arrival.  The experienced player will "walk the course" to
    	properly locate the well formed bunkers, hills and valleys, and
    	determine a course strategy.
    
    8.  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses played recently.
    	Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this
    	reason.
    
    9.  Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear to ensure safe
    	play.
    
    10. Players should ensure that the match has been scheduled properly,
    	particularly when playing a new course for the first time.  Avoid
    	discovering another is playing a public course that was considered
    	to be private.
    
    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
    	times.  Inexperienced players may be embarrassed to discover a
    	course is temporarily under repair.  Players are advised to be
    	extremely tactful at this point.  More advanced players will find
    	alternative means of play.
    
    12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
    	playing the back nine.
    
    13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
    	proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
    	owners request.
    
    14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to 
    	play the same hole several times in one match.
    
    15. The course owner is the sole scorekeeper and determines the
    	best player.
    
    16. Players are advised to think twice before considering exclusive
    	membership at a given course.  Additional assessments may be
    	levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change.
    	For this reason many advanced players prefer to play a variety
    	of available courses.
    
    
    Heidi
    

    re .-1
    
    Interesting, but there was no mention of course etiquette for playing
    through a slow group.  Who's the club pro at your course?
    
    Jamie

    ...anyone up for golf this afternoon???
    %^/
    
    rich

George Bush and Mikhail Gorbachev meet at their first summit and in a moment 
of candor Gorbachev talks about how great leaders must surround themselves with
great people.  He then relates the story of how he chose Eduard Schevernadze 
as his foreign minister:
 
	MG:  ...I said to him, "Eduard, you're very bright, but I need only 
	the best for this position, so here's a test.  Answer me this...who 
	is it that's your father's son but not your brother?"  And without 
	batting an eyelash he came back with the answer, "Gorby, it's obvious", 
	he says, "the answer is I.  I am my father's son but I am not my own 
	brother!"  Needless to say, he got the job.
 
Bush hears this story and is somewhat impressed.  He decides to try the same 
on our illustrious VP, Dan Quayle, and some weeks later the following is heard 
in the halls of the Oval Office:
 
	GB:  Dan, come into my office, I've got a little question for you. 
	"Who is it that's your father's son but not your brother?"
 
	DQ:  (hemmin' 'n hawin' and stalling for time) Hmmm, that's a very
	interesting question George.  Let me take care of some pressing 
	matters first, and I'll get back to you...Gotta go!
 
(Moments later in John Sunnunu's office)
 
	DQ:  John, I've got a question for you, "Who is it that's your 
	father's son but not your brother?"
 
	JS:  Oh, that's easy, Dan, it is I -- I am my father's son but I 
	cannot be my own brother.
 
	DQ:  Oh, right.  Thanks, gotta go...
 
(scurries down the hall to the Oval Office...) 
 
	DQ:  Oh George, about that question, well I've got the answer:
 
		"it's JOHN SUNUNNU!"  
 
to which George replies:
 
  
 
 
 
		"Wrong, you dummy.  It's Eduard Scheverdnaze!"
 

 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha :^)






Jim

Re: highdi's joke

there is another good one along the same lines as this one ... i believe
the euphemism is renting an apartment thought...

funny.... even for the 100th time!

but, but, but, this assumes that Sunnunu's bright. Maybe among his white 
house peers but even that's stretching things. ;-)

:-Chuck

    
    Sunununununununu is bright but he is also dangerous.  I think he has
    degrees from many high places - legitimate ones even!   
    
    c

        <<< Note 104.267 by CIVIC::ROBERTS "Solyent Green is People" >>>
>    Sunununununununu is bright but he is also dangerous.  I think he has
>    degrees from many high places - legitimate ones even!   
 
yeah Carol the man is supposedly  a "brilliant" engineer with more than 
one degree from M.I.T.  But dunno if that means BA and BS or BS and MS and
PHD.

We already have one Dr. John and don't think I recollect anyone EVER calling
him Dr. John Sununu.

so science person yes - politician _YES_ or _NO_
check the blank depending upon your views.  
bob 

ps.  Soylent Green - people ... you mean I been eatin'.... :)

    Well, not to get too blunt or anything, but I don't care if Sununu has
    six Ph.D.'s from MIT, Stanford, Harvard, Yale, Penn.  and Cornell, in
    engineering, or Political Science.  I've heard the guy talk, and he's a
    world class BOZO.
    
    Pass the big shoes, red nose and fuzzy wig.  That guy's out of uniform!
    
    tim
    

    Re: .-1
    
    In my very humble opinion, of course. :-)
    
    tim
    

    The only one I know for sure about is an MS in ME from MIT (Mass.
    engineering school with a decent reputation).  Smart guy, but he seems
    to find thermodynamics easier than getting along with other people. 
    Napoleoinc complex, I think.  Seabrook would've been dead without him.
    
    Jamie

re:                 <<< Note 104.269 by SCAM::GRADY "tim grady" >>>
   
    >he's a world class BOZO.
   
    HEY! Being a world class Bozo myself, I resent that remark. :-)
    
    RamBozo

I was reading a newspaper column once which mentioned that Sununu said that 
since 97% of all the carbon dioxide on the planet is "natural" (not produced
artificially by humans), any CO2 we add to the atmosphere couldn't make a
difference.  The author of the column was questioning his science ... like, if
you have water pouring into a bathtub, filled to the brim, at one gallon a
minute, and draining at one gallon a minute, and then you start pouring in
an additional pint a minute ... ;^)

Sorry, 4:00 is my babbling time.

- Dave

>any CO2 we add to the atmosphere couldn't make a
>difference.  

(this was in reference to global warming BTW)

har! 

no need to add any qualifiers tim,  i think we could safely say
that most of us agree with you about him.

and I thought we were all bozos on this bus?!?!?!
:)
bob

    re Sun-of-a-nunu
    
    	Yes,.. bright,.. but remember /'s axiom of humanunu nature:
    
    	Brightness does not equal goodness
    
    							/
    

likely to be seen in the Washington Post Classified ads:

For sale - 1 well educated brain, rarely used. Some logic chips and common sense
           upgrades needed. May be willing to trade for shreds of dencency. Call
	   John Sununu @ the White House

   One day farmer Brown bought 12 pigs, as it turned out they
were all females, since he wanted to mate them, he took them
over to farmer Jones place to have them mated. When they were 
done he asked farmer Jones how he'll know if they are pregnant,
since he knew very little about pigs. "Well," said Jones "they start
acting strange in the morning."
  
 The next day F Brown looked out the window and the pigs seemed normal.
So he loaded them all up to take them Back to F Jones. Again the next
day he checked on the pigs, nothing out of the ordinary, so once
again, off he went to F Jones. 

 The next day he asked his wife to look and see if the pigs were acting
strange and she said...


"Well eleven of them are in the back of the truck, and one is honking
the horn."

			The 9 Types of Boyfriends
			-------------------------

Joe Sensitive  - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, 
	       Snugglepup
Advantages   : Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's 
	           stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow 
	       Mover, Jerk
Advantages   : Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass


Flinchy         - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages   : Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle


Bigfoot         - Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages   : Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig


Lazybones       - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages   : Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams


The Sneak       - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages   : May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life


Ace of Hearts   - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed 
	           weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages   : Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused


The Dreamer     - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know 
	           how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages   : Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"


Mr. Right       - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like 
	           crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages   : Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction




			The 9 Types of Girlfriends
			--------------------------

Ms. Nice Guy   - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages   : Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday


Old Yeller     - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of 
	          a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages   : Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans


Sickly         - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages   : Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious


The Bosser     - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.  
	          Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom 
Advantages   : Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my 
	                    career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages   : Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed


Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love 
	                     onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages   : More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, 
	       iceberg, Snarly
Advantages   : Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends


Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I 
	           feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages   : Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my 
	         handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love 
                 like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages   : Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

<forwards obliterated with secret particle beam>
 
From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday,
Sept. 11, 1991. (C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.
 
A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics
seeking freedom ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing
softly in the background).
 
              "What Democracy Means to Me"
                   by Johnny Carson
 
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy,
giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the
nation.  Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president,
and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
 
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united
by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away
from people of all races, colors, and creeds.  Democracy is
having time set aside to worship--18 years if you're Jim
Bakker.
 
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money
you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And,
unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one
ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective
political parties.
 
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two
consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between
three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is
welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something
to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower.  It means that
with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can
die owing the government a huge amount of money.
 
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of
Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.  Democracy means
our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but
more often they bow to the big butts of campaign
contributors.
 
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you
deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker
people from getting what they deserve.  Democracy means
never having the Secret Police show up at your door.  Of
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at
your door.  It's a tradeoff.  Democracy means free
television, not good television, but free.
 
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a
minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two
minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
 
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god
knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.
It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o"
out of any rural stop sign you want.
 
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar
bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13
tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies
that when the white man came to this country, it was bad
luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for
the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
 
I thank you.

What was the babbling brook talking about?









I don't know.  It's creek to me.

<forwards removed>


                               M A N -- To -- M A N 
                               --------------------
 
MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
....................
By Mark Canter
 
   For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of  those  unspoken  guidelines.
These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but  now  that  we've  documented 
them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say,  "See, honey,  I'm 
not the only one who does this stuff..."
 
THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:
 
* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when  you're lost....
  Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street
  of the Damned.   Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and
  Clark explorers of old.
 
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...because
  he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
 
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys  in  the  cars  on  both
  sides....It's all about who's out in front.
 
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit  you're 
  a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car won't run and
  you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring.  Have you  checked
  the compression?"
 
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to  figure  out  something  as
  simple as programming his new VCR...but  to  cook  something  as  simple  as
  oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with  the  exactitude  of  a  chemical
  engineer.
 
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a  particular
  sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo,  he's  really
  something.  WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
 
* Never admit you don't understand  a  political  issue....Opinions  are  like
  whiskers.  You're not an adult male without them.
 
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control  handy
  ...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak,  in
  the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
 
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a  bath  towel....It's
  unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel  around  with  your
  feet.
 
* Never pay one of  your  buddies  a  compliment.   Instead  say  things  like
  "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or  "Who  is  that
  awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date  once
  she meets  me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that  this  means  you
  value his freindship.
 
* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your  girlfriend  that  it
  hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive  than  Phil  Donahue.
  But never reveal it to the other  guy...."Coach,  when  you  said  I  was  a 
  low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, it  made
  me feel small and sad."
 
* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and  biological  sex
  life to another guy...unless the guy is your urologist.
 
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife.   He
  should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart.   Naturally,  he  should 
  be able to outplay her in any activity, from Ping-Pong  to  chess.....Having
  met these requirements, he should be  liberated  enough  to  be  unconcerned
  about such things.
 
* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom  and  one  is  being  used,
  proceed to the farthest available urinal.   If a line has  formed,  maintain
  proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the  guy  using  the  urinal....
  Above all, if nothing happens within 30  seconds,  don't  just  stand  there
  like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to  you  will
  probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush  the  toilet  and  walk 
  away.
 
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when  you're
  finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands  as  if
  you were preparing for brain surgery.
 
* If you can't take it, you're not a man  (whatever  "it"  might  be)....Maybe
  you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want  to  go  on  one,
  you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or  you'll  never
  hear the end of it.
 
* Ingore or deny physical pain...As  comedian  Billy  Crystal  reports,  "Mike
  Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard,  Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did
  in Bye Bye, Birdie.  Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was,  ah,  stunned,  that's 
 
  all, just stunned.'"
 
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other  guys....That's
  between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
 
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or  fears....That' s like  saying,
  "how do you like my suit of armor?  It's only got two  weak  spots  in  it--
  here and here."
 
* If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben  &  Jerry's
  Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running  shoes  and  pound
  those calories into submission.
 
* Every guy  should  be  hip  about  guns....Hand  an  economics  professor  a
  Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, 
  he'll work the action, sight down  the  barrel  and  generally  act  like  a
  reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
 
* If your girlfriend is  looking  on,  flip  aloofly  through  that  issue  of 
  Playboy as  if  it  were  a  Better  Homes  and  Gardens  special  issue  on 
  Tupperware. In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative
  comments like "WOW! Check  that  out!"...and  if  you're  alone,  study  and 
  quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.
 
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her  into  the  women's  lingerie
  department....Stand clear of those racks of  silk-and-lace  panties  like  a 
  mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.

Subj:	Humor                                                                  1
Subject: Humor                                                       
Subject: A LITTLE HUMOR                                              
Subject: Humor----Not RUMOR                                          
Subject: Humor!
******************************************************************************
>From "The Tonight Show Staring Johnny Carson" on Wednesday, 
Sept. 11, 1991. (C) 1991 Carson Productions, Inc.

A tribute from Johnny Carson to all the Soviet republics 
seeking freedom ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing 
softly in the background).

              "What Democracy Means to Me"
                   by Johnny Carson

To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, 
giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the 
nation.  Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, 
and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.  

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united 
by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away 
from people of all races, colors, and creeds.  Democracy is 
having time set aside to worship--18 years if you're Jim 
Bakker.  

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money 
you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, 
unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one 
ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective 
political parties.  

Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two 
consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between 
three or more consenting adults. But I digress. Democracy is 
welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something 
to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower.  It means that 
with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can 
die owing the government a huge amount of money.  

Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of 
Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.  Democracy means 
our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but 
more often they bow to the big butts of campaign 
contributors.  

Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you 
deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker 
people from getting what they deserve.  Democracy means 
never having the Secret Police show up at your door.  Of 
course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at 
your door.  It's a tradeoff.  Democracy means free 
television, not good television, but free.  

Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a 
minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two 
minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.  

Democracy means no taxation without representation, and god 
knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us.  
It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" 
out of any rural stop sign you want.  

And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar 
bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 
tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies 
that when the white man came to this country, it was bad 
luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for 
the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.  

I thank you.

[forwards removed]

>From The Wall Street Journal

_A Scud It's Not, But the Trebuchet Hurls a Mean Piano_

Giant Medieval War Machine Is Wowing British Farmers And Scaring the
Sheep

By Glynn Mapes, Staff Reporter of the Wall Street Journal

ACTON ROUND, England--With surprising grace, the grand piano sails
through the sky a hundred feet above a pasture here, finally returning
to earth in a fortissimo explosion of wood chunks, ivory keys and
piano wire.

Nor is the piano the strangest thing to startle the grazing sheep
this Sunday morning.  A few minutes later, a car soars by - a 1975
blue two-door Hillman, to be exact - following the same flight path
and meeting the same loud fate.  Pigs fly here, too.  In recent
months, many dead 500-pound sows (two of them wearing parachutes) have
passed overhead, as has the occasional dead horse.

It's the work of Hew Kennedy's medieval siege engine, a four story
tall, 30 ton behemoth that's the talk of bucolic Shropshire, 140 miles
northwest of London.  In ancient times, such war machines were dreaded
instruments of destruction, flinging huge missiles, including
plague-ridden horses, over the walls of besieged castles.  Only one
full-sized one exists today, designed and built by Mr. Kennedy, a
wealthy landowner, inventor, military historian and - need it be said?
- - - - - full-blown eccentric.

A Pagoda, Too

At Acton, Round Hall, Mr. Kennedy's handsome Georgian manor house here,
one enters the bizarre world of a P. G. Wodehouse novel.  A stuffed
baboon hangs from the dining room chandelier (``Shot it in Africa.
Nowhere else to put it,'' Mr. Kennedy explains).  Lining the walls are
dozens of halberds and suits of armor.  A full suit of Indian elephant
armor, rebuilt by Mr. Kennedy, shimmers resplendently on an
elephant-sized frame.  In the garden outside stands a 50-foot-high
Chinese pagoda.

Capping this scene, atop a hill on the other side of the 620-acre
Kennedy estate, is the siege engine, punctuating the skyline like an
oil derrick.  Known by its 14th-century French name, trebuchet
(pronounced tray-boo-shay), it's not to be confused with a catapult, a
much smaller device that throws rocks with a spoon-like arm propelled
by twisted ropes or animal gut.

Mr. Kennedy, a burly, energetic 52-year-old, and Richard Barr, his
46-year-old neighbor and partner, have spent a year and #10,000
($17,000) assembling the trebuchet.  They have worked from ancient
texts, some in Latin, and crude wood-block engravings of siege
weaponry.

The big question is why?

Mr. Kennedy looks puzzled, as if the thought hadn't occurred to him
before.  ``Well why not?  It's bloody good fun!'' he finally exclaims.
When pressed, he adds that for several hundred years, military
technicians have been trying fruitlessly to  reconstruct a working
trebuchet.  Cortez built one for the siege of Mexico City.  On its
first shot, it flung a huge boulder straight up - and then straight
down, demolishing the machine.  In 1851, Napoleon III had a go at it,
as an academic exercise.  His trebuchet was poorly balanced and barely
managed to hurl the missiles - backward.  ``Ours works a hell of a lot
better than the Frogs', which is a satisfaction,'' Mr. Kennedy says
with relish.

How it works seems simple enough.  The heart of the siege engine is a
three-ton, 60-foot tapered beam made from laminated wood.  It's
pivoted near the heavy end, to which is attached a weight box filled
with 5= tons of steel bar.  Two huge A-frames made from
lashed-together tree trunks support a steel axle, around which the
beam pivots.  When the machine is at rest, the beam is vertical,
slender end at the top and weight box just clearing the ground.

When launch time comes, a farm tractor cocks the trebuchet, slowly
hauling the slender end of the beam down and the weighted end up.
Several dozen nervous sheep, hearing the tractor and knowing what
comes next, make a break for the far side of the pasture.  A crowd of
60 friends and neighbors buzzes with anticipation as a 30-foot,
steel-cable sling is attached - one end to the slender end of the beam
and the other to the projectile, in this case a grand piano (purchased
by the truckload from a junk dealer).

``If you see the missile coming toward you, simply step aside,'' Mr.
Kennedy shouts to the onlookers.

Then, with a great groaning, the beam is let go.  As the counterweight
plummets, the piano in its sling whips through an enormous arc, up and
over the top of the trebuchet and down the pasture, a flight of 125
yards.  The record for pianos is 151 yards (an upright model, with
less wind resistance).  A 112 pound iron weight made it 235 yards.
Dead hogs go for about 175 yards, and horses 100 yards; the field is
cratered with the graves of the beasts, buried by a backhoe where they
landed.

Mr. Kennedy has been studying and writing about ancient engines of war
since his days at Sandhurst, Britain's military academy, some 30 years
ago.  But what spurred him to build one was, as he puts it, ``my
nutter cousin'' in Northumberland, who put together a pint-sized
trebuchet for a county fair.  The device hurled porcelain toilets
soaked in gasoline and set afire.  A local paper described the event
under the headline ``Those Magnificent Men and Their Flaming
Latrines.''

Building a full-sized siege engine is a more daunting task.  Mr.
Kennedy believes that dead horses are the key.  That's because
engravings usually depict the trebuchet hurling boulders, and there is
no way to determine what the rocks weigh, or the counterweight
necessary to fling them.  But a few drawings show dead horses being
loaded onto trebuchets, putrid animals being an early form of
biological warfare.  Since horses weigh now what they did in the
1300s, the engineering calculations followed easily.

One thing has frustrated Mr. Kennedy and his partner:  They haven't
found any commercial value to the trebuchet.  Says a neighbor helping
to carry the piano to the trebuchet, ``Too bad Hew can't make the
transition between building this marvelous machine and making any
money out of it.''

It's not for lack of trying.  Last year Mr. Kennedy walked onto the
English set of the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie, volunteering his
trebuchet for the scene where Robin and his sidekick are catapulted
over a wall.  ``The directors insisted on something made out of
plastic and cardboard,'' he recalls with distaste.  ``Nobody cares
about correctness these days.''

More recently, he has been approached by an entrepreneur who wants to
bus tourists up from London to see cars and pigs fly through the air.
So far, that's come to naught.

Mr. Kennedy looks to the U.S. as his best chance of getting part of
his investment back: A theme park could commission him to build an
even bigger trebuchet that could throw U.S.-sized cars into the sky.
``Its an amusement in America to smash up motor cars, isn't it?'' he
inquires hopefully.

Finally, there's the prospect of flinging a man into space - a living
man, that it.  This isn't a new idea, Mr. Kennedy points out:
Trebuchets were often used to fling ambassadors and prisoners of war
back over castle walls, a sure way to demoralize the opposition.

Some English sports parachutists think they can throw a man in the air
*and* bring him down alive.  In a series of experiments on Mr.
Kennedy's machine, they've thrown several man-sized logs and two
quarter-tone dead pigs into the air; one of the pigs parachuted gently
back to earth, the other landed rather more forcefully.

Trouble is, an accelerometer carried inside the logs recorded a
centrifugal force during the launch of as much as 20 Gs (the actual
acceleration was zero to 90 miles per hour in 1.5 seconds). Scientists
are divided over whether a man can stand that many Gs for more that a
second or two before his blood vessels burst.

The parachutists are nonetheless enthusiastic.  But Mr. Kennedy thinks
the idea may only be pie in the sky.

``It would be splendid to throw a bloke, really splendid,'' he says
wistfully.  ``He'd float down fine.  But he'd float down dead.''

re: one before this one

That appeared in Desperado, a sort of underground publication floating around
enet.

Good reading!

The Wall St. Journal is a great paper!

    
    Hmmm...
    
    Maybe we COULD get some money out of those stockpiled Rainbows....
    
    How much would YOU pay to see one hurled 200 yards?
    
    Treemon

[headers removed]

    Gen. Scharzkoff was walking in the desert when he comes across an
    Aladdins lamp which is sticking halfway out of the ground. He takes it
    back to his tent, and starts polishing it up when a Genie appears.
    The Genie tells him that he will be granted one wish for freeing
    him from the lamp. Norman says "Ya know, we just got over this 
    bloody war and I would like to see evrlasting peace in the Middle
    East." The Genie pulls out a map and says " General, take a look at
    this map. People have been wishing for peace in the Middle East for
    as long as I can remember and it hasn't happened yet. Why don't you
    make another wish." The general says, "Well I've always wanted to
    see the Redsox win a World Series. It would be great for them to
    finally win one." 
    
    The Genie replies:



    "Lets take another look at this map."

From: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: "Without Eternal Vigilance, It Could Happen Here."  -- Joe Bob Briggs
Date: 5 Oct 91 10:30:03 GMT
Organization: Argon Oil.  At Argon, we're working to keep your money.
 
 
UPI - 7/20/1991
HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN NATURE'S FIRST LAW
 
	In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes,
the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be
unlawfully discriminatory.
 
	Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is
generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual
or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into
practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable
person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned
individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences
resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."
 
	Translation:  "You do something stupid, you die."
 
	In a ruling handed down yesterday, George Bush's Supreme Court
ruled that such a law was too vague and unfairly discriminatory.  Justice
Rhenquist, author of the decision, wrote, "The terms 'unwise' and 'basic
common sense' are never defined anywhere, and are left to the
interpretation of the presiding judge....[which could lead] to mutiple
standards of justice." The court also felt that the penalty was too vaguely
defined and too harsh.  Writes Rhenquist, "It is theoretically possible for
an individual to lose his/her life by, for example, sticking their tongue
across a 120 volt outlet.  While such an action would clearly demand
explanation from the individual attempting it, it is not Our [sic] opinion
that such an action warrants the penalty of death, particularly if the
outlet in question lacks a label warning of such practice..."
 
	In striking down the First Law, the Court also mandated that steps
be taken to correct the discrimination the law imposed.  Affirmative Action
has already drafted a set of standards.  Though not final, the suggestions
include:
	o Requiring employers to hire a set percentage quota of stupid
	  people (most employers with union contracts already meet the
	  proposed standard),
	o Requiring all non-profit organizations receiving public funds (PBS,
	  National Endowment for the Arts, et al) to spend a set percentage
	  of those funds promoting stupidity (the NEA, based on recent
	  censorship mandates, already qualifies),
	o Equal time for the views of the stupid on national issues,
	o A constitutional amendment banning discrimination based on
	  stupidity, and
	o A national TV and press campaign to raise the nation's awareness
	  of the plight of stupid people (the draft suggests the slogan,
	  "Stupid Is Beautifull [sic]").
 
	When interviewed, Dan Quayle said, "It's the most significant step
forward this country has taken since Neil Diamond set foot on the moon."
 
--
Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.
 
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca

YIKES!!!  I just hit next unseen w/o looking at the title and thought I was 
in The World We Live In topic for a minute.  The scary thing is, I kinda
believed it up until that last part.  ;^/

Pretty funny, now that I see it in the right context!!  :-)

Just like Lisa, I didn't look at the topic. So for the first couple of
paragraphs, I was envisioning lots of sitituations where various
people would get sued for someone else's stupidity. 

Shawn

{headers removed}
			DAVE BARRY ON THE THOMAS HEARINGS

	CHAIRMAN BIDEN:  Judge Thomas, these past few days have been very,
	very hard for all of us -- especially for my good friend and
	colleague Sen. Kennedy, because it is not easy for a man to sit through
	three full days of hearings with a paper bag over his head -- but
	before we let you go, there is just one more point I want to make, and
	it is a very, very important point, and I fully intend to make it if
	I ever get to the end of this sentence, which as you know and I know,
	judge, is highly unlikely to occur during the current fiscal year,
	so...

	SEN. HATCH:  I want to say that I am disgusted.  These are disgusting
	things that we have been talking about here, and I am personally
	disgusted by them.  Pubic hair!  Big organs!  Disgusting.  And yet
	we must talk about them.  We must get to the bottom of this, no matter
	how disgusted we are, and believe me I am.  We must talk about these
	matters, the pubic hair and the big organs, HUGE organs, because it
	makes us sick, to think that these kinds of matters would come up --
	I refer here to the organs, and the hairs -- that we here in the
	United States Senate would find ourselves delving deeply into these
	matters, to be frank, totally disgusts me, both aspects of it, the
	hair aspect AND the organ...

	CHAIRMAN BIDEN:  Thank you.

	SEN. HEFLIN:  Judge Thomas, (30-second pause) I certainly appreciate
	(45-second pause) the fact (20-second pause) that (three-minute,
	20-second pause) my time is up.

	SEN. THURMOND:  Soamwhoan ben cudrin' mheah widm tan' bfust drang.

	TRANSLATOR:  He says, "Somebody has colored my hair with what appears
	to be Tang breakfast drink."

	CHAIRMAN BIDEN:  Thank you.  May I just add that on top of my own
	personal head appears to be an unsuccessful attempt to grow okra.
	But judge, as soon as I make this one final point we're going to let 
	you go, because this has been very, very painful, and believe me I
	know what pain is, because at one time in my career I was the son of 
	a Welsh coal miner, and let me just say, judge, that when I do make 
	this point, whatever it is, it will be something that I believe in 
	very, very deeply, because I am the chairman, and I can talk as long 
	as I want, using an infinite number of dependent clauses, and nobody 
	can stop me.

	SEN. HATCH:  How BIG an organ?  How MANY pubic hairs?  These are the
	issues that we need to probe deeply into, no matter how much they
	disgust us!  And believe me, nobody is more disgusted than I am!  I
	am revolted that we are thinking about these things, day and night!
	Tossing and turning, trying to sleep, writhing, moaning and...

	SEN. KENNEDY (from under his bag): Are the cameras still here?

  HAH!   I can't stop laughing :^)  :^)








 

    That was hilarious
    
    	I'm-a-crackin-up-riyut-heeyah-riyut-nowah
    
    							/
    

    so is judge thomas know known as the hanging judge???
    ;^/
    
    rich

    ... or just the well hung judge...
    
    							/
    

SLAP !!!



	That was funny!!!!

	Leave it to a Dave!!!

	:-)

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
|                                                                         |
|                            THE  PC  MANIFESTO                           |
|                                                                         |
|               FEATURING A PC PRIMER AND REVISED PC LEXICON              |
|                                                                         |
|         By  Saul Jerushalmy        &       Rens Zbignigwiuw X.          |
|                                                                         |
|                  COPYRIGHT 1991 - All Rights Reserved                   |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
 
"...In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecidented unity and harmony,
The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of
prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that
will offer unlimited bliss and contentment.  Dammit." 
 
                             - Prof. Dr. Skippy "Tiang-Min" Whitmore
                               Berkeley CA, 1965
 
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                 PC PRIMER
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  WHAT IS P.C.?
 
PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct
philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures,
race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  Politically Correctness
is the only social and morally acceptable outlook.  Anyone who disagrees
with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.
 
Q:  WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
 
Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life!  PC
offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social
evils of centuries of oppression.
 
Q:  I AM A WHITE MALE.  CAN I STILL BE PC?
 
Sure.  You just have to feel very guilty.
 
Q:  WHY?
 
If you are a white male, your ancesters were responsible for practically
every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportcoats.
That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities.  Now
it is time to balance the scales of justice for the decendants of those
individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.
 
Q:  HOW?
 
It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and
what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.
 
Q:  YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
 
That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world
a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.
 
Q:  HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
 
Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice cream when you
can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  Segrega..whoops..seperate all of your garbage
into different containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic,
etc.  Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals.  Try to
find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your
teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to
irrigate your lawn.  Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden.
Don't use aerosal.  By all means, don't burn American Flags!
 
If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part!
Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of the following PC
musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
 
Harrass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent baby seal was
mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR."  They hate that.
And don't EVER eat meat.
 
Q:  DON'T EAT MEAT?  WHY NOT?!
 
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that they have
rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!
 
Q:  SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
 
No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian
Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when
it doesn't.
 
Q:  HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
 
The general rule is as follows:
 
          IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
             HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
 
Examine the following chart:
 
      RIGHTS                       NO RIGHTS
     --------                     -----------
      cows                         cockroaches
      cute bunnies                 flies
      dolphins in tuna nets        tuna in tuna nets
      whales                       sharks
      red squirrels                gray squirrels
      owls                         loggers
      harbor seals                 barnacles
 
Q:  WOW.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
 
Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what
gives flavour to our great country.  Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic.
Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes.  After you read
it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.
 
Q:  I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
 
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember.  YOU ARE
RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You are right.
 
Q:  HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
 
Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying something
insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society.  The
guideline is as follows:
 
     Is the confrontation between two white people?
        Yes ->  The liberal is right.
        No  ->  The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
 
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading
of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues.
 
Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper articles you can
make into race bias stories.  It's fun!  Some PCers are so good they can make
the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!
 
Q:  WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
 
It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of authority,
by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge.  If
your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s,
she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender
disciplined.
 
Q:  BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
 
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be
espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  Some call it
censorship.  PCers call it "selective" speech.  Saying something negative about
a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the
face.  We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.
 
Q:  I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
 
Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we think
about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them.  Take
"black" for instance.  Why should a person be judged by the color of their
skin?
 
Q:  YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
 
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from.  If your
great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should
be identified by that fact.  You can even apply for special scholarships!
 
Q:  I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN.  CAN I GET ONE?
 
No, there are no scholarships for any of those.  Sorry.  If you are a woman,
however, there should be plenty.
 
Q:  HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN
    AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
 
Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that
we aren't.  Another example:  A white South-African U.S. immigrant is not
an African-American either.
 
Q:  HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
 
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.
 
Q:  I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC.  WHAT CAN I DO?
 
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer
their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western
perspectives on history.  Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes
to reflect cultural biases.
 
Q:  I DON'T GET IT.
 
Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities
who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions
at school and work and receive preferential treatment.  This is unfair and
wrong.
 
Q:  IT IS?
 
Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for
different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score,
depending on who is taking the test.  If you are white, then you have been
benefited by society during your life.  That means that you lose
ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.
 
Q:  I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
 
It IS right.  That's the beauty of PC.
 
Q:  WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
 
Humor.  PC people take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a
racial slur.
 
Q:  GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
 
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for
decades.  Not PC-  It can be taken the wrong way.
 
In every day speech, try to use phrases like,
"Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American."  Any racial jokes
or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted.  True, this
mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for
social equality.
 
Q:  IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
 
Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that
people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by treating
people differently based on their equal individuality.  Hop aboard the
bandwagon...  Be PC.  Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive
pig.
 
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                PC LEXICON
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
"Insensitive Term"                         "Preferred Term"
------------------                         ----------------
 
-> ETHNICITY <-
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)
 
Black                           -   African-American
                                    (NOTE:  DOES NOT INCLUDE
                                       LIBYANS, EGYPTIONS, WHITE S-AFRICANS.
                                            DOES INCLUDE
                                       PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
                                       WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
 
Oriental                        -   Asian-American
                                    (NOTE:  NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES
                                            SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)
 
Indian                          -   Native-American
                                    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC:
                                       Atlanta Braves
                                       Cleveland Indians
                                       Kansas City Chiefs
                                       Washington Redskins
                                     AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)
 
Chicano                         -   Hispanic
                                    (NOTE:  THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC:
                                       Cheech and Chong
                                       Chico and the Man episodes
                                       Cisco Kid
                                       Rosarita Salsa
                                       Speedy Gonzales
                                     AVOID!  AVOID!)
 
Towel Head/ Ay-Rab              -   Arab-American
 
White Trash                     -   PC Unaware
                                    Rustically Inclined
 
WASP (white male)               -   Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)
 
->  GENDER  <-
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)
 
Woman                           -   Womyn, Vaginal-American
 
Girl                            -   Pre-Womyn
 
Housewife                       -   Domestic Engineer
 
Fireman                         -   Firefighter
 
Stewardess                      -   Flight Attendent
 
Meter Maid                      -   Parking Enforcement Aduciator
 
Post Man                        -   Post Person
 
Mail Man                        -   Person Person
 
Policeman (cop, pig)            -   Law Enforcement Officer
                                    Baton Boy
                                    Cal. Clubber
 
Prostitute                      -   Sex Surrogate
                                    (Teen Victim.  See:  Broken Home)
 
Mankind, Human                  -   Earth Children
 
-> PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS <-
 
Handicapped                     -   Differently Abled
                                    (Blind  -  Optically Darker
                                               Photonically Non-receptive
                                     Deaf   -  Visually Oriented)
 
Poor                            -   Economically Unprepared
 
Bum                             -   Homeless Person
                                    Displaced Homeowner
                                    Philosophy Major
 
Hunter                          -   Animal Assassin
                                    Meat Mercinary
                                    Bambi Butcher
 
Whaler                          -   Blubber Lovers
 
Old Person / Elderly            -   4th-Dimentionally Extended
                                    Gerontologically Advanced
 
Conservative                    -   Right Wing Extremist Facist Pig
 
Drug Addict                     -   Chemically Challenged
 
Bald                            -   Comb-Free
 
Bisexual                        -   Sexually Non-preferential
 
Midget, Dwarf                   -   Little People
                                    Vertically Challenged
 
Convict                         -   Socially Seperated
 
Insane People                   -   Selectively Perceptive
                                    Mental Explorers
 
(person with)                       (person with)
Learning Disability             -   Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
 
Tree-Hugger                     -   Environmental Activist
 
Logger                          -   Wood Weasel
                                    Paper Pirate
                                    Treeslayer
 
Dead People                     -   Disfunctional Earth Children
 
->  MISCELLANEOUS  <-
 
Broken Home                     -   Disfunctional Family
 
HouseBroken                     -   Family Disfunction 
 
Cattle Ranch                    -   Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                    "Moo-shwitz"
 
Senile Bag o' Bones             -   Alzheimer's Victim
 
Ghetto/Barrio                   -   (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
                                    Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
 
Hamburger                       -   Seared Mutillated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
 
Cheeseburger                    -   Adding Insult to Injury
 
Cheating (in School)            -   Academic Dishonosty
 
Used Books                      -   Recycled Books
 
Trees                           -   Oxygen Exchange Units
 
Gang                            -   Youth Group
 
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider          -   Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
 
Drunk/Trashed                   -   Spatially Perplexed
 
Slum                            -   (EOZ) Economic Opression Zone
 
Delicatessen                    -   Corpse Farm
                                    Charnel House
 
SOCIALLY INTOLLERABLE WORDS (SIWs)
----------------------------------
 
These are some, but unfortunetely not all, words that are used to describe
people.  Remember, there are much more elequent PC ways to say the same thing
without offending any of Earth's Children.
 
DO NOT USE THESE WORDS.
(except when telling other people not to use them)
 
IF YOU HEAR ANYONE USE THESE WORDS, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT, RESPOND IMMEDIATELY:
 
"Alky, Babe, Beaner, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink,
 Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy,
 Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie, Honky, Hooknose, Indian,
 Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freaks, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Pinko,
 Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard, Ruskie, Skirt, Spic, Tart, Toots,
 Uncle Tom, Whore, White-Trash, Wop"
 
READING THIS LIST MADE YOUR SKIN TINGLE WITH REVULSION, DIDN'T IT?
IT BETTER HAVE.
 
THE ABOVE ARE FULSOME TERMS.  PC DOCTRINE STATES THAT ALL REFERENCES
TO THESE WORDS BE DELETED FROM EXTANT PRINTED MATERIAL AND CONVERSATION.
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 1991 - A Friedman/Haladyna Production - All Rights Reserved
---------------------------------------------------------------------
END OF PC LEXICON

They forgot one:

Short, Little ****					Vertically Challenged

Subj:	Whale humor

<forwarding removed>
 
|
|I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
|videotape, which I obtained from the alert father-son team of Dean and
|Kurt Smith.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon,
|which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot,
|eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach.  The responsibility
|for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State
|Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales
|are very similar in the sense of being large objects.
|
|So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
|making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite.  The thinking
|here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
|eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.
|
|So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
|dynamite next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of
|understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the
|most wonderful event in the history of the universe.  First you see
|the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.
|Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!"
|Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes.  You hear a new sound
|like "splud."  You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces
|of...  MY GOD!"  Something smears the camera lens.
|
|Later, the reporter explains:  "The humor of the entire situation
|suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
|blubber fell everywhere."  One piece caved in the roof of a car
|parked more than a quarter of a mile away.  Remaining on the beach
|were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units.
|There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently
|relocated in Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape.  Here
|at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties.  But
|this is no time for gaiety.  This is a time to get hold of the folks
|at the Oregon State Highway division and ask them, when they get
|done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US
|Capitol.

That one makes its round every year or so!  I wonder if it is _really_ true?

forwards deleted....   thanks karen! :^)
    
   
    Taxpayers of America: The check's in the mail
    by Dave Barry
    
     Gather round, taxpayers! This is the moment you've been waiting for!
    Time to calculate your Peace Dividend!  Now that our archenemy, the
    Soviet Union, is disintegrating into throat-lozenge-sized independent
    republics with names like "Huzzarbegonia", whose primary military
    activity is knocking over statues of Lenin, we don't need a Defense
    Department anymore.  This means that you, the taxpayers, may already
    have won billions of dollars!  So don't throw away this column, because
    we are about to tell you the size of your peace dividend!  Get ready!
    Better lean close to the page so you won't miss it!  That's it...just
    a little closer...here it comes...
    
     FWAPPPP!
    
     Ha ha!  We apologize for hitting you in the face with a deceased
    grouper, but sometimes you taxpayers are such goobers that we can't
    help ourselves.
    
     Listen: There isn't going to be a peace dividend.  Your leaders have
    thought about this long and hard, and they have decided that they will
    continue to need all of your money that they can possibly get their
    hands on.  In fact, they might need MORE of your money, because we're
    probably going to give some to the Russians, in the generous American
    spirit of "lending a hand" to our defeated enemies so that someday,
    with our help and support, they can make better cars than we do.
    
     Also, we are NOT getting rid of the Defense Department.  Au contraire
    (literally, "you melonhead").  We are plunging ahead on a number of
    crucial multibillion-dollar defense items, including the B-2 Stealth
    bomber, which is being built by the Northrop Corp. for $865 million per
    plane (excluding sunroof).  The B-2, which is designed to be invisible
    to radar, has had some minor technical glitches, such as that it is not
    actually invisible to radar, but it nevertheless appears to be superbly
    capable of carrying out its vital mission of penetrating deep into
    Soviet airspace and...
    
     Hold it!  We just remembered that there is no longer any NEED to
    penetrate deep into Soviet airspace, other than to scout locations for
    Pizza Huts.  But never mind.  Even as you read this, top Pentagon
    strategists are thinking up a NEW vital mission for the B-2.  Maybe it
    could penetrate deep into Elizabeth Taylor's next wedding.  Or maybe,
    with extra thrusters, it could even penetrate Sen. Edward Kennedy.  As
    long as it penetrates SOMETHING.
    
     And we are, of course, continuing to build "Star Wars", which was one
    of President Reagan's very best ideas and is currently scheduled to be
    fully operational by the year 236,000 AD, at which time it will perform
    whatever vital strategic mission it performs.  Possibly it will shoot
    down the Stealth bomber.
    
     But even if we cancelled BOTH defense programs, you taxpayers STILL
    couldn't have a Peace Dividend, because your leaders need the money for
    pressing domestic priorities, such as purchasing breast pumps for the
    savings-and-loan industry bailout.
    
     We are not making this domestic priority up.  We have here a Knight-
    Ridder News Service story by David Hess concerning a congressional
    audit of the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. and the Resolution Trust
    Corp., two of the federal agencies helping to straighten out this pesky
    S & L situation.  The auditors found that, among other things, the
    agencies had purchased $177,000 worth of wall-hangings, $3,227 worth of
    stained glass, $7,335 worth of Christmas decorations, 3,000 Asian
    cookbooks and 27 breast pumps.
    
     A spokesperson said the breast pumps were for employees who bring
    their babies into the agencies' day-care center.  This is, of course,
    legitimate.
    
     We're sure that all you lactating taxpayers out there have employer-
    supplied breast pumps.  We just hope the pumps weren't purchased
    through the "Star Wars" program (New York Post Headline: "6 hurt in 
    S & L mom breast blast")
    
     The spokesperson did not have a ready explanation for the Asian
    cookbooks, but we're sure there's a perfectly legitimate one, and we
    don't want to know what it is.
    
     The bottom line is, if there IS a peace dividend, it will be
    distributed according to the following list of priorities, ranked from
    highest to lowest:
    
     1. Giant incomprehensible ongoing federal programs that could not be
    eliminated with hydrogen bombs.
    
     2. The Russians.
    
     3. Breast pumps.
    
     4. Research grants to study questions such as how come fish don't
    watch television.
    
     5. The Iraqis. (Don't laugh! Just wait!)
    
     6. Making a big pile of money on the US Capitol lawn and setting fire
    to it.
    
     7. Giving it back to the taxpayers.
    
     But don't be disheartened, taxpayers.  This is America!  A democracy!
    If you don't like what your government is doing, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO
    CHANGE IT!  Yes!  I'll tell you how!  Lean close to the page so you
    won't miss it!  That's it...just a little closer...
    

 If easily offended hit next unseen.


What goes; "Good morning Sir, Good morning Sir, Good morning Sir,
YO Baby nice t*ts, Good morning Sir, Good Morning Sir, Good morning
Sir, Good morning Sir."



Clarence Thomas on his first day on the Supreme Court.

    :-)

Did you see the new Anita Hill doll?


pull it's string and it talks ten years later.

    :-) ... thats funny too actually... :-)

Ok, which one of you took this statue on tour - fess up!!


[forwards deleted]

Category:	Fun AP (true) Story 
               
PRANKSTERS TAKE LAWN ORNAMENT ON VACATION

PATTERSON (AP) - Florence and Pat McMorrow didn't get to travel throughout
America this summer but their elf, Rufus, did.

Rufus is a 3-foot-high lawn ornament owned by the McMorrows, of Patterson, a
community north of New York City.

Someone swiped Rufus July 9 from his usual perch on a tree stump in the
couple's front lawn.  He reappeared last week with an envelope tucked under his
arm.  "I'm home.  Vacation pictures," a note on the envelope read.

There was Rufus on the beach in California, wearing shades.  There he was in
Wyoming, wearing an Indian headdress.  There he was at Wrigley Field in
Chicago, watching the Chicago Cubs.  In all, there were photos of Rufus in 17
states.

Police and the McMorrow family still don't know who took the statute [sic].
"It was definitely young people," Mrs. McMorrow said.  "They have some sense of
humor."

                                           {Forwarding courtesy of Rick Laidlaw}


Hope you and your pink flamingos enjoy a get-away weekend,
                                                              john

re: .306

> Category:	Fun AP (true) Story 
>               
> PRANKSTERS TAKE LAWN ORNAMENT ON VACATION

Urban legend alert!  This "true" story has been around for years.  Each
time the details change a little bit.  My favorite is the "lawn rabbit"
version, complete with a photograph!

tms

	I liked the pink flamingo on tour myself.  ;^)

Ok, so I never heard it before, still puts a funny picture in my mind! 8^)

And now for something completely different...


MOTHER'S DICTIONARY:

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am
too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children ply outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are
wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them
right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the
time you scream it

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what your do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket
aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to
not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you
out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a
sponge."

    That's a slightly old, but true, story. I saw it on either the Tonight
    Show or Letterman several years ago. Some people took the statue on a
    trip out west, photographed by the Grand Canyon, in front of the
    Hollywood sign, on the walk of fame, etc. They showed most of the
    pictures (a few weren't 'suitable' for tv). Whoever did it was pretty
    clever.
    
    Scott
    

    
    What do you call a constipated German?
    
    
    Farfrompoopin'
    
    :-)
    
    

	Mr._Spoiler here,

	These are treading awful close, in they have not yet in fact,
	crossed the line of what is permitted by Corporate policy.  I
	know that I'm much more sensitive than most who participate in
	this file but the last two have my delete key twitching...

	Bob

    good point...  .312 is gonzo...  

Ah geez... both .312 and .313 gone! 
I understand policy and BobW's sensitivity, but 
now I feel like I'm missing something...  Ah well, just have to frequent notes
more often :^/


Glenn_not_so_easily_offended...

You didn't miss much from mine, just a quick pun tied to Germans. S'pose I 
should have just tagged some sensitivy <CR>'s to mine and pointed out that it
wasn't aimed at any individual or group. Being 1/4 German, I figured I could
laugh at myself at least

jeff

    I'm 1/4 everything (including a**hole) so I'm never offended.
                                                                 %^) rfb

    An african explorer walks into a remote village in the congo.  As
    he enters the village he cannot help but notice the deafening sound
    of drums coming from the other end of the village.
    
    	When he reaches the end he sees a team of natives beating the
    cr*p out of some drums , behind them is another team of people standing
    there.  He watches for a while and as one of the drummers drops from
    fatigue someone jumps up to take his place.
    
    	He meets the cheif of the village but conversation is nearly
    impossible over the noise of the drums.  He eats a meal, bathes and
    beds down all the while the drums monsterous noise pounds around him.
    
    	He awakes in the morning and the drums still play every time he
    asks someond what is going on they say "drums must never stop"
    he stays for a week and in the end almost crazed by the noise he
    approaches the cheif and says
    " why do the drums play"
    Cheif   "Drums must never stop"
    Explorer "Why"
    Cheif   "drums must never stop"
    Explorer "for god's sake man tell me why"
    
    Cheif "if drums stop.................bass solo starts"
    

      A string walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer.
    The bartender says "Sorry, I don't serve strings. Take a hike." So the
    string leaves. A few minuites later another string walks into the bar,
    walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender again turns away
    the second string. 
      All the while another string was on the payphone observing what was
    happening, and decides he wants to have a drink. He ventures into the
    mens room. In there he wriggles himself about until he ties himself in
    a knot. He then starts shaking his top half spastically until it is
    frayed. He then proceeds to do the same with his bottom half. He then
    walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and
    asks "Are you a string?" to which the string replies:
    
    
        "No, I'm a frayed knot."

    :-) ... good one!

    ..yep good one I'm all Tied up..
    
    rich

 Here we go, another string of puns :^)

    yep from a long LINE of punsters...:*)
    
    
    
    
    rich

    Re:323
    
     Jim should be STRUNG up for that one!
    
    
    Divide
    

    Oh no ... knot more puns ... 
    
    					... Bobbb

    is everyone getting ROPED in on this one?

 Careful, or Phyllis is going to start twine about these puns

Oh good, I was HANKerin' for some more puns ....

(one for us former boyscouts mebbe)

      CHRISTMAS IN SPACE: Trek Classic 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the decks
Not a crewman was stirring, 'cept those having sex;
Their boots were all placed by the vent shafts with care,
In hopes that by morning they'd get some fresh air.
The Redshirts were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of stay'ng alive danced in their heads;
And Kirk in his gold shirt, McCoy in his blue,
Had just settled down for a nice Christmas brew--
When from the comm panel there came such a wail,
They sprang from their chairs, knocking over their ale.
Away to the panel Kirk flew, drenched in beer,
Snapped on the comm switch and barked loudly, "Kirk here!"
The squeals that emerged from the thing after that
Sounded just like the Devil was strangling a cat;
When, what to their bombarded ears should appear,
But the music of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,"
With a voice in the background, a murmur of talk,
That made Kirk exclaim, "Bones . . . That sounds just like Spock."
More rapid than bullets his syllables came
As he tested each circuit and called it by name--
"Cross Alpha to Beta, join Delta to Theta,
Route Kappa through Lamba, and Gamma to Zeta.
To the end of the circuit, the end of the line,
Now clip a resistor--there. That should do fine."
As Kirk and McCoy listened closely to this,
The comm unit speaker let out a long hiss.
So, off to the turbolift both of them flew,
With a mind to discover what Spock was up to.
And then, in a twinkling, they reached the bridge deck,
Stepped out of the lift and began a quick check.
As they went down the steps and were looking around,
>From a nook Spock emerged, barely making a sound.
He was all dressed in gray from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with solder and soot.
A bag of components he had in one fist,
And held in the other, a rather long list.
His eyes didn't twinkle, his dimples were none,
Yet somehow it looked like he'd been having fun.
His mouth, at one corner, quirked up just a touch,
And one eyebrow lifted, though not by too much.
A soldering iron he held in his teeth,
And the smoke from it circled his head like a wreath.
He looked like a man with a task to complete
And nothing would stop him, not rain, snow, nor sleet.
His two colleagues stood there, dumbfounded by this.
McCoy chuckled softly; Kirk let out hiss.
The look in Spock's eye and the set of his head
Soon gave them to know he would not go to bed.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And tuned all the sensors then turned back to Kirk,
And pressing a button and counting to three,
He lit up the bridge like a huge Christmas Tree.
His work done, he nodded, and walked toward the lift
As his friends stared in awe at his luminous gift.
But they heard him exclaim, his voice with good-will rife,
"Merry Christmas! And to you all, Peace and Long Life!"


- --Based on "A Visit From Saint Nicholas" by Clement Clarke Moore--
- --Adaptation copyright 1991, Eric R. Rountree--


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                  A CHRISTMAS STORY THAT WILL GET YOUR GOAT

               by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
            copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, December 15, 1991


        It's that special holiday time of year once again, the time when
    Uncle Dave sometimes has too many eggnogs and tells the heartwarming
    story of the Christmas Goat.

        But first, Uncle Dave wants to make sure that you have all been
    good boys and girls who are remembering the true meaning of the holiday
    season, which is to stimulate the economy.  Right now, the economy
    seems a tad sluggish, as measueed by the Index of People Living in
    Refrigerator Cartons (IPLRC).  But Uncle Dave is confident that things
    will turn around any day now, because Uncle President Bush's economic
    advisers have been seeing a number of bright spots in the economy. 
    Yes.  They go out on the balcony of the White House Economic Forecasting
    Building, located on Mars, and they look around and shout: "I see a
    bright spot!  Do you see it, Norm?"  "Yes!  I see it too!  Do you see
    it, Bob?"  "Bob fell off the balcony!"

        Their forecasting procedure involves a lot of eggnog.

        So, the economy is definitely expected to recover sometime between
    mid-January and the collapse of civilization.  But this will not happen
    unless you, the ordinary citizen demonstrate your true holiday spirit
    to the absolute limit of your major credit cards.  Uncle Dave recommends 
    that you take along a set of industrial earplugs, otherwise you may be
    driven insane by shopping mall public-address systems playing "The
    Little Drummer Boy."  this is a song, lasting longer than most dental
    appointments, wherein high-voiced women women shriek "Rum-pa-pum-pum,
    Rum-pa-pum-pum."

        Years ago, Uncle Dave actually kind of liked this song, but he was
    exposed to it just a few thousand times too many, and now when he hears
    it, especially if he is in a department store trying desperately to
    find a gift for his wife that she won't laugh out loud at, and he is
    going nearly blind from having complimentary fragrance samples sprayed
    in his face from close range, it feels as though the Giant Mutant
    Sadist Drummer Boy is driving his drumsticks directly into Uncle
    Dave's skull with a sledge hammer rum-pa-pum-pum rum-pa-pum-pum.

        But aside from that, and the traffic, and the early-morning toy
    commercials on TV that cause your child to come rushing into your bed-
    room while you are still sleeping and demand that Santa bring him a
    video-game system costing the equivalent of two Patriot missiles, and
    the fact that the Toys Sure "R" Costly store is so crowded that you
    have to park your car in Brazil, Uncle Dave really loves the holiday
    season, because it has so many traditions.  And one of the most
    cherished traditions is the telling of the story of the Christmas Goat.

        Uncle Dave heard this story from Uncle Jeff MacNelly, who swears
    that it really happened, and we can trust him because he is a trained
    professional cartoonist.

        The story concerns a family - a mother, father, three sons and a
    young daughter - who lived in Virginia some years ago.  They kept a pet
    goat out back, and one unusually cold Christmas Eve, one of the sons
    wnet out to feed it, only to discover it had been called up to Goat
    Heaven.

        "The goat was not only dead," states Uncle Jeff, "but it was frozen
    solid in the upright position."

        The boy went in and told his father.  The father was anxious to
    keep the little girl from seeing the goat, because she was very fond of
    it, and he didn't want to ruin her Christmas.  He couldn't bury the
    goat, because the ground was rock-hard, so he and his sons loaded it
    into the back of their station wagon and took it to the local animal
    shelter.  Unfortunately, it turned out that the shelter did not accept
    animals that were in the deceased mode.

        So now the hour was getting late and the father and sons were
    getting desperate, driving around on Christmas Eve with this goat,
    wondering how they could get rid of it, when - this is the kind of
    miracle that restores your faith in the season - they drove past a
    church with a life-size outdoor Nativity scene, featuring life-size
    animals.

        "Light bulbs went off simultaneously over all four of their heads,"
    states Uncle Jeff.  "The car came to a screeching halt."

        Moments later, the Nativity scene had acquited a new touch of
    realism, and the station wagon, now goat-free, was heading home.  So it
    was a Merry Christmas after all, at least until the thaw came.

        Now, you boys and girls run along to bed, so that visions of
    sugar-plums can dance in your heads.  That happened to Uncle Dave once,
    and aspirin was no help at all.

<forwards removed>


                        'Twas The Nite Before Christmas
                    (Star Trek : The Next Generation Style!)
                                (Attempt I)

          'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
                 Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
                 The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
                 In hope that no alien would get up that early.

                The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
                 (Except for the few who were partying drunks);
               And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
                Had just settled down for a neat face to face...
                When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
           That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
                   Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
               Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly "Deck One!"

          The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
                   Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
             When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
         But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked quite old.

              But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
                    That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
                 His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
             Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:

                "It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
                  It's Geordi, And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
               To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
                 Now float away!  Float away!  Float away all!"

              As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
              So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
                  And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
            As the captain called out, "What the Hell is this, Q?!"

               The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
                 And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
               As we took in our plight, and were looking around,
              The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

                Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
                   Appeared once again, to continue the show.
        "That's enough!"  cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
                And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"

                   "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc" replied Q,
                "I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
             As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
                He dumped out the contents and took a step back.

           "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
                There's something delightful for everyone here."
                  He sat on the floor, and dug into his pile,
               And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:

               "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain.
                   Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
            For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great
                  And For Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date."

                 For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
                   For Data, a joke book, For Riker a truss.
                  For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
           And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."

              And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face
                And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
              But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
              "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"




                        'Twas The Nite Before Christmas
                    (Star Trek : The Next Generation Style!)
                                (Attempt II)

             'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
                    On a routine short hop to Starbase 303,
                   With Data on duty in the captain's chair,
               In hopes that the Enterprise soon would be there.

              Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
               He scanned where the historical records were kept,
              And with a blink of the eye and a cock of his head,
                "Intriguing!  Tomorrow is Christmas!"  he said.

              But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
                 And so he buzzed Geordi, who woke with a sigh:
                    "Christmas?  It's only an old holiday --
                       Just let me go back to sleep, OK?"

               But is to wish "Merry Christmas" not human to do?
                And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship too.
              Everyone on the Enterprise woke from this clatter --
            Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.

                "What is the meaning of this noise, Mr.  Data?"
            "Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it later!"
               Just then Worf said, "Captain, a Klingon warbird!
              Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."

              "Onscreen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
                "Federation vessel, our life support has failed!
               A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst--
            Though naturally, of course, we had fired on it first."

                 The Klingons beamed over, the senior staff met
                  To try and uncover the source of the threat.
                Said Picard, "Mr.  Data, an assignment for you:
                  Give all of these Klingons something to do!

               They think it's the Romulans we should look for--
             Get them all off the bridge, before they start a war!"
                  So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
             Wondered:  Romulans?  Ferengi?  If not them, then who?

                 Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck 3!"
                 The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.
              Roared Picard, "Mr.  Data, what the devil is this!"
         "Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

               And so there they were -- on holodecks 3,4 and 5--
                 With synthohol, singing and eating blood pie!
                Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer --
              Friend and foe came from sectors both far and near.

                The Romulans showed up with some Romulan ale --
             The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!
             But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told --
               With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.

      Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!"
             Said Picard, "On Christmas?  -- Mr.  Worf, hold back."
               And then as they watched the ship come into view,
                Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

                   He wore a white beard and a suit of red --
               "Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.
             "Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk --
         You know, you need good defense systems in this line of work.

                Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away --
           Who else did you think could do this job all in one day?"
                  "I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
                   "Peace in the galaxy, good will and joy."

            And they stood on the bridge and watched Q take flight,
                                    shouting

               "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

------- End of Forwarded Message

{headers removed}

   Recently spotted in Readers' Digest :
    
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
       New to the area, my wife and I had been invited by neighbors to join
    them and some other couples in watching the Super Bowl on TV.  During
    half-time, while my wife was in the kitchen helping the hostess, the
    conversation turned to videos.  "We made a video of all of us in San
    Diego," one of the women told me.  "Want to see it?  It's in the car."
    And she promptly ran out to get it.
       Minutes later while we were watching the tape of them running on the
    beach, my wife walked in from the kitchen.  "Those are the ugliest women
    I've ever seen in a commercial!" she exclaimed, taking one look at the TV.
       We watched the second half of the game at home.
    
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Think I'd have to consider moving.

    a real joke seen lately in Readers Digest is the article on the dangers
    of marrywanna...which someone actually quoted in our local rag here as
    fact!!!!
            rfb

         
    Tore up your knee playing hoops this fall?  Are your buddies 
    already razzing you about missing the season?  No problem.
    
    One needn't actually *ski* to experience the gestalt of skiing;
    just simulate the pyschic and physical sensations.  Here are 13
    ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter
    in the red zone:
    
    - Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
    snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler.  Stop at any gas station
    that serves food.  When the waitress asks what you'd like order
    an upset stomach because that's probably what you'll get anyway.
    
    - Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in his walk-in freezer
    for half an hour.  Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up.  It's
    not real skiing but it's close.
    
    - Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
    sandblast your face.  You'll almost believe you're skiing in front
    of a snowmaking gun.
    
    - Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic racoon look.
    
    - Where apres-ski boots everywhere - even in the shower.  For the
    best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds
    strapped to your calves.
    
    - At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your
    ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag and poles.
    Make believe you're looking for your car.
    
    - For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
    and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
    
    - Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.  This will
    save you from losing it later.
    
    - Go to a McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger.
     Be sure to wait in the longest line.
    
    - Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day
    of the year.  Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in.  Do this
    12 or 18 times.
    
    - To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money
    to fly to a Caribbean resort.  When you arrive toss a Krugerrand
    onto the beach.  Then try to find it.
    
    - To simulate glade skiing take a jog through the woods - with your
    eyes closed.
    
    - Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
    fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
    
    None of these activities is skiing, but all of them sure feel like
    it.
 
    (Reprinted without permission for those who've yet to ski this year)
 
 

Linda C.

{forward removed}

Wood heat is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you 
cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new
tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another
will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles
and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and 
making elaborate plans for when you come back.

<forwards removed>

                   An New and Improved Easy Guide to 
                     Modern Economic Systems

 SOCIALISM -   You have two cows.  The government takes one to give
               to someone else.

 COMMUNISM -   You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives
               you the milk.

 FASCISM -     You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells
               you the milk.

 NAZISM -      You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

 BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one,
               and pours the milk down the drain.

 CAPITALISM -  You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

 BUSH's NEW CAPITALISM - You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull;
	     		 take out huge loan on the the cow, and ignore
			 both the cow and the loan from that point on;
			 then you try to milk the bull, and blame the
			 Japanese for its lack of production.

    This is a letter which was written by JRR Tolkien to a friend when he
    was a schoolboy.  Looks like there's another side of him besides the
    hobbits & elfs...
    
    A young friend wished to purchase a birthday gift for a lady friend. 
    After much meditation and consideration he decided upon a pair of
    gloves as being appropriate.  As his sister had some shopping to do, he
    accompanied her to a ladies wearing apparel shop.  While he was
    selecting the gloves, his sister made a purchase of a pair of drawers
    for herself.  In delivering the parcels that afternoon, by mistake the
    drawers were left at his sweetheart's door with a note as follows:--
    
    Dear Velma: -- This little token is to remind you that I haven't
    forgotten your birthday.  I didn't choose it because I thought you
    needed them, or because you haven't been in the habit of wearing them,
    or because we go out evenings.  Had it not been for my sister I would
    have gotten long ones but she says they are wearing the short ones --
    with one button.  They are a very delicate color, I know, but the lady
    clerk showed me a pair she had worn for three weeks, and they were
    scarcely soiled at all.  How I wish I might put them on you for the
    first time!  No doubt many other gentlemen's hands will touch them
    before I get a chance to see you again but I hope you will think of me
    every time you put them on.  I had the lady clerk try them on and they
    looked very neat on her.  I did not know th exact size, but I should
    be capable of judging nearer than anyone else.  When you put them on
    for the first time put a little powder in them and they will slip on
    easier.  When you remove them blow in them before laying them away, as
    they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Hoping that you
    will accept them in the same spirit in which they are given and that
    you will wear them to the dance Friday night, I remain,
    				Lovingly yours:--
    					John
    
    P.S. Note the number of times I will kiss the back of them in the
    coming year!
    					John

                   An New and Improved Easy Guide to 
                     Modern Economic Systems

 SOCIALISM -   You have two cows.  The government takes one to give
               to someone else.

 COMMUNISM -   You have two cows.  The government takes both and gives
               you the milk.

 FASCISM -     You have two cows.  The government takes both and sells
               you the milk.

 NAZISM -      You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

 BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows.  The government takes both, shoots one,
               and pours the milk down the drain.

 CAPITALISM -  You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

 BUSH's NEW CAPITALISM - You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull;
	     		 take out huge loan on the the cow, and ignore
			 both the cow and the loan from that point on;
			 then you try to milk the bull, and blame the
			 Japanese for its lack of production.

From: "Practice safe government. Always use kingdoms.  

 Quote of the week


I heard this from one of my clients doing MS Windows development:

  ``Programming in Windows is like being given the Periodic Table Of
    Elements and being told "You now have everything you'll need: Now,
    create a BROCCOLI''

re: 104.340 Modern Economic Systems

Scott, this sounded familiar. See reply .338  :-) :-) :-)

Top 10 Reasons Why They've Been on the Air 10 Years

10. Many Americans Still Believe I'm Filling in for Ted Koppel

9. Cheap to produce with illegal alien bandleader

8. Our perfect mix of comedy, music & awkward silence

7. Sophisticated technology that makes home viewers think they smell bacon

6. We were just about out of jokes after 7 years, then along came Quayle

5. Still have another 12 months on hairpiece rental

4. Prozac! Prozac! Prozac!

3. It's free & it's in color

2. People enjoy sitting in their underwear in front of TV saying, "Here's your
   stupid pet trick, Letterman!"

1. I'm Captain Dave and America is my ship of love

    
    :-) :-)  Thanks!!
    
    

    
    HA!  gotta luv #1!!!  "I'm Captain Dave and America is my ship of
    love!"  :^) :^) :^)
    
    					capt_da ve :^)

RE:  <<< Note 104.345 by JUNCO::DWEST "Dont Overlook Something Extraordinary" >>>
   >          -< appreciate the tack he took with that jibe!!  :^) >-

    
    
 Geeze, you're such a MASTer of puns da ve :^)




 Jum

    
    re -.1    ha!  that was nuthin...  i've got a boat load of 'em!
    en-compass-ing a lot of different topics too!
    
    					da ve

    
    Excuse me, but..
    
    
    	
    
    
    
    	IT'S NOWHERE NEAR THIRTY DAYS!!!!!!!!! 
    
    	Judge Koyner
    
    

Subj:	today's Dave Barry


February 12th
-------------
*Sometime* is a scientific unit of measurement meaning "in approximately 43
hillion jillion years", as in "Let's have lunch sometime".

RE:  <<< Note 104.347 by JUNCO::DWEST "Dont Overlook Something Extraordinary" >>>
                                    -< :^) >-

    
   > re -.1    ha!  that was nuthin...  i've got a boat load of 'em!
   > en-compass-ing a lot of different topics too!
    
    
  Pardon me while I keel over :^)





Jum

    good one Jum!!!  take a BOW!!
    
    				da ve

    Sorry,.. but I mast interrupt the current booming of puns to
    say that judeg Koyner has passed sentence on you two,,....
    
    
    YOU GOTTTA WALK THE PLANK!
    
    							/matey
    

    barnacle bill is apparently trying to get STERN with us.....
    
    what's the matter dude?  wind gone from your sails?
    
    					da ve

    Well,.. I've been in the duldrums for a while,.. figured it was time
    to coma about and chart a new course,,... maybe folow the howling
    wind for a while....
    
    AyooooooooooooooooOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    							/black_eye_bill
    

RE:  <<< Note 104.351 by JUNCO::DWEST "Dont Overlook Something Extraordinary" >>>
                                    -< :^) >-

   > good one Jum!!!  take a BOW!!
    

   Not today, I'm feeling kinda  stern :^)
    				



 Jum

	I think y'all are deadheading on this topic...

I may just DECK the next person who makes a pun!  :-)

Dave

p.s. This is getting r'udderly ridiculous!

    in that case, i'll steer a heading to another topic until i can get my
    bearings again...
    
    oh bouy...
    
    					da ve

    now we're sinking...
    
    rich

    It is difficult to fathom the depths this crew will sink to just to
    bring about a laugh
    
    								/
    

	You people must have been harbouring these for quite a while.  I guess
you're all punsters without pier.

Mark

    When I saw this SPARing match of puns I thought it was really going to
    take off on a RUN. But CHUTE with Cap'n Koyner at the HELM it looks
    like we're steering to the wrong mark. BEARING that in mind I think 
    I should go put on my DEAD RECKONING album and BLOW this note. But
    SHEET, I don't have a cartiridge. I'll just have to keep reeding MOOR.
    
    These puns are pretty BEAT
    
    Nuthin Shakin

received this in mail today -- 

Seen on a T-shirt in Nashua, NH:

	"I voted for George Bush, and all I have left is this lousy T-Shirt!"

    On the radio this morning I heard there's a T-shirt going roound in the
    States which says:
    
    
    Nixon in '92
    
    He's tanned
    He's rested
    And he's ready!

    I actually saw Ni+on in 92 spray painted on a wall...i didn;t think it
    was funny, the T-shirt is better %^)
    
    I'm tryin to find my LICK BUSH stickers from the last
    farce-of-an-election...no luck so far.
                                          rfb

re:                     <<< Note 104.367 by CLOSUS::BARNES >>>

>    I'm tryin to find my LICK BUSH stickers from the last
>    farce-of-an-election...no luck so far.

I have a photograph of this bumper sticker plastered on the trunk lid of a
Worcester Police cruiser!  This was taken while hanging out in the parking lot
of the Centrum during the Spring '88 shows.  One of the first rolls of film
shot on my then-new (used) camera.

adam

    re: lick bush
    
    ya, a realdeadhead friend from San Fran gave me several, i gave most
    away. Big tongue licking the side of Georgies perplexed looking face,
    (with a secondary meaning of course.)  Lots of wierd looks from the
    local republonazis....my wife finally removed the one on the car she
    drives the most....she tended to attract the more lewd reactions for
    some reason or other %^)
                            rfb

    The "tanned, rested, ready" Nixon shirt was around for '88.
    
    John

    Nixon can't run again - he was already elected twice.  Revolting
    thought even in retrospect.  However, he could run for vice, and then
    if the prez is suddenly unable to complete his term, there he is.
    
    Scott
    

    Something funny I saw yesterday at Barnes and Noble:  a huge stack of
    Donald Trump's book "Staying at the Top" or something like that. 
    Marked down to $2.98.
    
    Scott
    

I thought the Constitution only prohibited a third CONSECUTIVE term.  Not that 
I believe anyone would take Nixon seriously, I did think it would be legal...
If you ask me, he should still be in jail - not that he ever was there either.

But I've been known for public displays of ignorance before ;-)

tim

Can't remember the amendment number, but shortly after FDR's death (and election
to 4 terms) the constitution was amended to limit anyone from being elected to
more than 2 terms as President.  Had Jerry Ford been elected in '76 he could
have served that 4 year term and another (assuming he didn't bump his noggin
too many times :^) ).




Jum

    Here's the amendment limiting the terms of the president.  It's from my
    on-line copy of the Constitution, but it doesn't mention the amendment
    number.
    
    So basically Nixon can't run again since he was elected twice.  Ford
    could be elected for one term since he was prez for 2.5 years of
    Nixon's term, and Johnson was able to run for reelection since he
    served a little over a year of Kennedy's term.
    
    -----
    
    Passed March 12, 1947.  Ratified March 1, 1951.
    
        No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than
    twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as
    President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person
    was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President
    more than once.
         But this Article shall not apply to any person holding the office
    of President when this Article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not
    prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting as
    President, during the term within which this Article becomes operative from
    holding the office of President or acting as President during the
    remainder of such term.
    

Well, then, I stand corrected on my thoughts on Jerry Ford running for 2
terms.






Jum

See? I told you so.  I mean the part about public display of (my) ignorance. ;-)

tim

    re: amendment in .375
    
    Hmmmm.  I seem to remember hearing some discussions not too long after
    Nixon resigned.  At least some people interpreted that amendment to
    imply that, if a president served less than 2 years of a term, than
    that term in effect "didn't count" against the number of times he could
    be elected.  In effect, the converse of what would only allow Ford to
    be elected for one term.
    
    Don't know if there was any official legal decision, though...

{headers removed}

		Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey


Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?  A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that
says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played.
I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind".
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing
up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you
can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that
thing?

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not
the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but
I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive
over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in
town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we
could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named
him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all
watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all
go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It
wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of
like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

    AHHHHGHH!   Quite refreshing.
    
    dave

    from r.m.gd... hope it wasn't already posted
    
           MR SPOCK'S 50 FAVORITE GRATEFUL DEAD SONGS
   
   Cube of Precipitation
   I am cognizant of the vehicularly transported
   Porcelain humanoid replica
   I require a scientifically unexplainable phenomenon
   Ocular receptors of the planet
   Rapid oxidation on the geologic ridge
   (The assertion is correct that) possessors of two pairs of X chromosomes
      possess a greater degree of intelligence
   Diurnal Condensation
   Constructed to endure
   Engaging in a musical endeavor with a confederacy of like-minded troubadors.
   Nonluminous galactic matter
   Confectionary homo sapien
   Miniscule vermillion farmyard animal
   Forthcoming assistance
   The territorry held forth with oaths
   Floating vessel of the unwise
   The realm of Beelzebub contained within a milking instrument.
   The amber asphalted thoroughfare
   Mentally unbalanced digits
   Roughly calibrated visionary
   Dark sediment-laden tributary
   Elevated altitudinal temporality
   Sino-feline heliotropic plant
   Activate your ardor wattage
   Nonfunctional royal habitation
   Rodent of the docks
   The combination of a six-pointed metallic children's toy with shafts
     of dried vegetation
   Wise Biblical ruler's spheroids of amusement
   Distribution of Playing Cards
   The person refered to has vacated the premises
   Circular axle appendage
   Comrade of Lucifer
   Locomote across the elongated body of water, James
   The most enormous narrative ever communicated
   I-IV-V Chord progression ascribed to a Muslim deity
   Progressing down the expressway in a state of depression
   I have circumnavigated the globe
   Indolent thunderbolts
   Appears to be plummeting droplets of liquidity
   The symphony continued without abatement
   Antepenultimate to the baker's dozen
   Hurling igneous rock
   To place my body in a horizontal position
   Noninterrupted metallic links
   Virtuous Affection
   Striking knuckles against the portal of the land of angels
   Allow its augmentation
   Aviary Aria
   Turtle Terminus

My answers after the <FF> don't look unless you've finished...

The one I didn't get
---------------------
Elevated altitudinal temporality - 


Geoff
    
           MR SPOCK'S 50 FAVORITE GRATEFUL DEAD SONGS
   
   Cube of Precipitation - BOX OF RAIN
   I am cognizant of the vehicularly transported - I KNOW YOU RIDER 
   Porcelain humanoid replica - CHINA DOLL
   I require a scientifically unexplainable phenomenon - I NEED A MIRACLE
   Ocular receptors of the planet - EYES OF THE WORLD
   Rapid oxidation on the geologic ridge - FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN
   (The assertion is correct that) possessors of two pairs of X chromosomes
      possess a greater degree of intelligence - MAN SMART WOMEN SMARTER
   Diurnal Condensation - MORNING DEW
   Constructed to endure - BUILT TO LAST
   Engaging in a musical endeavor with a confederacy of like-minded troubadors.
      PLAYIN IN THE BAND
   Nonluminous galactic matter - DARK STAR
   Confectionary homo sapien - SUGAREE
   Miniscule vermillion farmyard animal - LITTLE RED ROOSTER
   Forthcoming assistance - HELP ON THE WAY
   The territorry held forth with oaths - PROMISED LAND
   Floating vessel of the unwise - SHIP OF FOOLS
   The realm of Beelzebub contained within a milking instrument - 
      HELL IN A BUCKET
   The amber asphalted thoroughfare - GOLDEN ROAD
   Mentally unbalanced digits - CRAZY FINGERS
   Roughly calibrated visionary - ESTIMATED PROFIT
   Dark sediment-laden tributary - BLACK MUDDY RIVER
   Elevated altitudinal temporality - 
   Sino-feline heliotropic plant - CHINA CAT SUNFLOWER
   Activate your ardor wattage - TURN ON YOUR LOVELIGHT
   Nonfunctional royal habitation - BROKEDOWN PALACE
   Rodent of the docks - WHARF RAT
   The combination of a six-pointed metallic children's toy with shafts
     of dried vegetation - JACK STRAW
   Wise Biblical ruler's spheroids of amusement - KING SOLOMON'S MARBLES
   Distribution of Playing Cards - DEAL
   The person refered to has vacated the premises - HE'S GONE
   Circular axle appendage - WHEEL
   Comrade of Lucifer - FRIEND OF THE DEVIL
   Locomote across the elongated body of water, James - ROW JIMMY
   The most enormous narrative ever communicated - GREATEST STORY
   I-IV-V Chord progression ascribed to a Muslim deity - BLUES FOR ALLAH
   Progressing down the expressway in a state of depression - 
       GOING DOWN THE ROAD FEELING BAD
   I have circumnavigated the globe - BEEN ALL AROUND THIS WORLD
   Indolent thunderbolts - LAZY LIGHTNING
   Appears to be plummeting droplets of liquidity - LOOKS LIKE RAIN
   The symphony continued without abatement - THE MUSIC NEVER STOPPED
   Antepenultimate to the baker's dozen - THE ELEVEN
   Hurling igneous rock - THROWING STONES
   To place my body in a horizontal position - TO LAY ME DOWN
   Noninterrupted metallic links - UNBROKEN CHAIN
   Virtuous Affection- GOOD LOVIN
   Striking knuckles against the portal of the land of angels
       KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOR
   Allow its augmentation - LET IT GROW
   Aviary Aria - BIRD SONG
   Turtle Terminus - TERRAPIN STATION

re     <<< Note 104.383 by AIMHI::KELLER "I'm P.U. Politically Uncorrect" >>>
                              -< Got all but one >-

My answers after the <FF> don't look unless you've finished...

The one I didn't get
---------------------
Elevated altitudinal temporality - 


    
High Time?

I though of that but I didn't really think it fit as well as the other titles 
fit.

Geoff

    It fits perfectly I would say,..
    
    The one I would question is ,.. um,.. 
    
    	aw hell,. I gotta go back and re read :-/
    
    						/burnout
    

   "Confectionary homo sapien" should be CANDYMAN shouldn't it?

    Yah,.. I though tSugaree was a stretch on that one,.. Candy Man fits
    a little better IMHO
    
    Still have to go back and re-read to find the other one that bugged me.
    
    								/Bill
    

Subj:	SUN spins off new division


<forwarding deleted...>



| For Immediate Release:
|          SUN ANNOUNCES NEW POWER TOOL DIVISION.  Sun Microsystems,
|   located in Tuscon AZZZZ. announced the creation of a new division to
| manufacture a line of power saws: SunSaws. The first product released by
| 
| SunSaws will be a circular saw, available in several configurations.
| The base model will have a 16 tooth blade and will run at 1750 rpm.
| This, SunSaw claims, gives the unit a 10 GIPS (Gnashing Inches per
| Second) rating.
|    Many industry pundits say that a 20 tooth model running at 2000 rpm
| is more efficient but SunSoft spokesman Alan "Buzz" Heinrich said, "We
| felt that the getting the 16 tooth model to market early was more
| important, a 20 tooth model will be announced in the near future." 
|    The saw, code named "plaid", accepts a wide variety of scalable
| lumbers, and has an expansion port for a dust coprocessor.  
|    In what many industry watcher see as a move that will open up the
| whole power tool industry to high tech, the saw will have add-in
| capabilities for memory addition.  While no specific circular saw
| application currently requires memory, SunSoft stated they didn't want
| to limit the future expansion possibilities of the saw. 
|    DEC President Ken Olson stated "DEC has looked into scalable
| circular saws, but we felt that it was an inferior technology, and we
| will be pursuing a line of jig saws, which will be announced by the end
| of the second quarter." Mr Olson continued, "we feel the jig saw will
| give end users more control and flexibility of their design".
|   Apple Computer has announced lawsuits against Sun, DEC and Black & 
| Decker.

 On the cutting edge, eh?






 :^)

    as we say in engineering,.. the bleeding edge...

But what about our release of BLADE???

    when i SAW that line about "industry PUNdits", i knew someone 
    WOOD take us down that road...  :^)
    
    					da ve

	Gosh, you guys just cut me up!

Mark

From The Progressive, 3/92

	Dial 1-900-740-POPE and you'll hear a message direct
	from Pope John Paul, his voice electronically enhanced
	with an echo effect to make it sound ethereal.  The
	cost is $1.95 per minute, charged to your telephone
	bill.  Some of the proceeds go to the Vatican, and
	the producer of the recorded messages, Global Telecom
	Ltd., calls the project "the world's first electronic
	collection plate."

    "Jesus love me, but he can't stand you" (I forget the song writer)
    
    Life imitates art.
    
    Lovely.
    
    tim
    

There's a contraversial (to some) billboard in Detroit with a picture of the 
Pope wearing some radio station's t-shirt & the caption "Father Knows Best"

    Lest anyone take offense at my last comment, I happened to be raised a
    Catholic, and I find a 900 number to JP2 rather offensive.
    
    "Jesus loves me..." is an actual tune I've heard, about a guy who has
    a 900 number to Jesus, talks to him everyday, and says "I know I'm
    goin' to Heaven, but yer gonna fry..."
    
    Sigh.
    
    tim
    

 

[forwards deleted]

| Subject: FW: New viruses (political viruses!!)
| 
| As reported on KISW radio this morning:
| 
| 1. The George Bush Virus: two strains -
|     - This virus doesn't do anything if it infects your computer,
|       but you can't get rid of it until November.
|     - Your computer works fine if you're rich, but doesn't work
|       as hard if you're poor.
| 
| 2. The Dan Quayle virus: You'll know if you have this virus
|    because your screen goes completely blank.
| 
| 3. The David Duke virus: Similar to the Dan Quayle virus, but
|    your screen goes completely white instead.
| 
| 4. The Ted Kennedy virus: Your computer crashes, but acts like
|    nothing happened.

From: moore7004@iscsvax.uni.edu
Subject: Elvis' Weight On Other Planets

From my friends at the Scripps Howard News Service:

"Hunka-Hunka: How much would Elvis weigh on other planets?

"For those who've contemplated that question -- and frankly, who hasn't? --
I've recently stumbled on the 'Elvis On Other Planets Weight Chart.'

"He weighed 255 pounds during the last weeks of his life in 1977.  That weight
would have changed greatly if Presley had been elsewhere in the solar system. 
(And according to the Weekly World News he has been spotted on Mars.)

"Here's the cosmic poundage:

        The Sun         7,140 pounds
        Mercury            97 pounds
        Venus             232 pounds
        The Moon           43 pounds
        Mars               97 pounds
        Jupiter           648 pounds
        Saturn            275 pounds
        Uranus            232 pounds
        Neptune           303 pounds
        Pluto              13 pounds"

Scotto the Malicious
"Because any fool can rip off the local newspaper."

    If all the folks who are so sure they're going to heaven really go there,
    I think I'll go to the other place and fix the air conditioning.

    re .400
    
    	Thank you for that vital information.. bringing this notesfile
    to the level of the Weekly World News. Can we get our own "Dear
    Dotti" column in here too ?!?!? :-) :-)
    
    re .401
    
    	I hear ya Andy. Follow your heart man...
    
    							/Bill
    

                          HOW  TO
                  N O T   L O O K   S T U P I D
                           AT ZK


ZK is a big place.  Curiously, the architectural diversity of ZK is
as limited as its square footage is immense.  The designers, no doubt
after much gut-wrenching debate, agreed on a simple post-modern motif:
the rectangle.  This trusty reliable old shape was put to use
everywhere, resulting in buildings about as personable as icebergs.

A problem commonly faced by visitors is that of extreme bewilderment
over their whereabouts.  I like to call this "ZK Vertigo".  It
generally strikes just after one emerges from a cubicle zone or a
restroom, and manifests itself as a cold chill in the lower spine
followed by facial expressions of shock and fear.  It is this tell-tale
look of stupefaction that the locals use to identify and, sadly, spurn
in subtle but humiliating ways the unfortunate guest.

Though ZK vertigo can only be truly cured by spending enough time in
the facility to develop the cerebral lesions that allow one to reliably
navigate the corridors, it is possible to minimize the effect.  The
first rule is to remember always to give the appearance of confidence
in your location.  Before you emerge from a conference room, make a
decision about which direction you'll walk and stick with it.  If you
realize you're wrong, keep walking, quicken your pace, and look
distractedly at your feet.  It helps to have some meaningless printouts
in your hands as props to be shuffled nervously.  Shake your head
slowly and mumble to yourself as you walk.

If you are headed in the wrong direction, there are several face-saving
ways of getting back on the track.  Remember the rectangle: most
hallways are continuous loops, so you can often just walk around the
central computational core of the building and wind up back where you
started.  The countless stairwells can similarly be exploited; you can
always change floors and try again.  Changing floors has the added
advantage that if you fear that people from the meeting you've just
left might notice you walking around and around the computer room, you
can be almost certain that you won't see any of them above or below;
people who really work there spend most of their lives on just one
floor.  One tip: don't look at the pictures in the ZK-I stairwells.
They're boring anyway, and you'll give yourself away immediately.

Should the unthinkable happen and someone asks you if you're lost,
don't panic.  A good trick is to claim that no, you're not lost, but
you remembered you had a meeting with Pete Yarhoolie or Tim
Smythe-Cunningham or any other name that comes to mind.  No one at ZK
knows everyone who works there, so as long as you drop the name of your
fictional accomplice with confidence and aplomb---to suggest that
*everybody* knows Linda Bizmillerene---you'll be safe.  It's even safe
to make up acronyms of organizations.  Here again, that stack of trash
paper can be a big help.  Glance at the papers and pretend to notice
that you've "forgotten the damn logs again".  You'll be able to make a
clean getaway as you walk off around the corner, cursing under your
breath in mock annoyance.

The color schemes within the buildings, which suggest that the
decorator took his cue from the Brady Bunch kitchen, are actually
intended to carry information.  I know this because I once heard a ZK
dweller remark that "these cubes are the wrong color" as we searched
somewhere in ZK-II for a particular manager.  I recommend against
trying to decode the colors, however; if you pay too much attention,
you will begin to look suspicious.

While you wander through the facility you'll notice various pitiful
doo-dads hung by the locals from the ceiling over their cubes in a sad
and depressing attempt to make them seem personal and homey.  Most of
the inflatable wombats and tattered pinatas have probably been there
for years, and can be relied upon not to wander.  These items can be an
invaluable aid in getting one's bearings in the otherwise trackless
cubicle wasteland.  Use such landmarks to triangulate your location
and locate cubes of associates, though you must learn to act as though
you understand the cabalistic "pole number" scheme.

As you gain self-confidence, there is one near-fatal pitfall to avoid.
When you are lost but walking determinedly, hiding your fear, you
must watch out for deceptive cubicle arrangements.  The mistake of
turning a corner into what looked like an inter-cube hallway but which
is actually someone's office is a very difficult one to cover up.
A weak option is to claim that you were headed to see Bob Smozdillion 
and that the last time you talked to him back in the VMS 3.0 days 
he was in this cube, but of course that can lead to an even more 
difficult situation.

An entirely different problem area for visitors from the left coast is
that of too-obvious Californianess.  Though on the surface the denizens
of ZK may seem like a wild bunch of fuzzy tie-dyed engineers, beneath
those T-shirts beat the hearts of stolid New Englanders with all the
New-Age sensibilities of the Pepperidge Farm man.  Details of your own
lifestyle you might consider unremarkable will seem downright radical
to them.  For example, it would be unwise to let on that you've named
your children Meadowfairy and Dharma.  Similarly, they won't understand
why you have crystals sewn into your clothing at the seven principle
energy nodes, so just don't talk about it.

The ZK cafeteria---"the caf", quaintly enough, to the locals---is
another area where great care is necessary to avoid embarrassment.
Don't let the general atmosphere of melee thwart your efforts to
maintain the appearance of someone who knows what's going on.  At the
back of the food service zone, the "hot lunch" section, you will notice
an amorphous mob standing with trays in hand.  These people are
actually in line, but the protocols they use to order themselves have
developed over the years to the point that it is impossible for an
outsider to participate without committing some offense, possibly
sparking an angry violent confrontation.  I advise the cold sandwich
bar (where you must not make comments about the barbarity of the bread
service mechanism) or the salad bar.  Do ignore the bowls of sprouts;
those are a cleverly conceived trap to expose Californians.

So friend, I hope that these simple guidelines will boost confidence
and help you feel the equal of any ZK natives you may find yourself
dealing with.  Vigilance and constant attention to critical details
will allow you to shed the burden of guilt and shame you may have
accumulated during prior trips East.  Eventually, your ZK skills will
become second-nature, and you will glide through the endless halls with
ease.

    Fuzzy tie-dyed engineers?  I represent that remark!
    
    I had a little floor confusion about a month ago.  Went downstairs to
    heat my lunch in the microwave.  That one was busy any many people were
    waiting for it.  So I go down one flight to use the next one.  Heat my
    food, and zip up one flight to go back to my office.  Hey...there's new
    stuff hanging in my neighborhood.  Then I notice - this floor is
    orange!  So I go around the block and go up one more floor.
    
    BTW, if you get lost on the first floor most of them aren't loops,
    you'll get stuck in a dead end, and ZK1 has the oddest layout of the 3
    buildings.
    
    Scott_who_has_never_been_to_California_but_has_sprouts_on_my_salad
    

HAH!!  That was very cute!  No wonder I got strange looks last time
I visited ZKO.  I had the sundress, the crystals, *and* the Birks!! 
YIKES!!  ;-)

Forwarded message follows:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
     [...]
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING...
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often 
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find 
in the cartoons and comic strips:
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the 
family.
 
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by 
waitresses in appetizing forms.
 
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
 
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large 
drawers.
 
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty 
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur 
collar.
 
Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.
 
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to 
take home, too.
 
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
 
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
 
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by 
hand.
 
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make 
it really repellent.
 
For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.
 
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
 
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, 
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
 
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and 
smothered with golden fried onion rings.
 
Great Dames for sale.
 
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
 
Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.
 

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, 
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
 
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
 
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
 
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis 
Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, 
and Chopin.
 
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.  Swim 
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
 
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and 
other athletic facilities.
 
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
 
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. 
Automatically burns toast.
 
Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that 
lots of women wear nothing else.
 
Stock up and save.  Limit: one.
 
Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never reget it.
 
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
 
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
 
This is the model home for your future.  It was panned by Better Homes 
and Gardens.
 
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
 
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
 
Man, honest.  Will take anything.
 
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory.  Love in, $200 a month.  References 
required.
 
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
 
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
 
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
 
Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
 

Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.
 
Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.
 
Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
 
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
 
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and 
smacks included.
 
Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.
 
Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll 
never go anywhere again.
 
See ladies blouses.  50% off!
 
Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
 
Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the food business, 
and be willing to get hands dirty.
 
Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
 
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue 
Cross and salary.
 
Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume 
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to 
growth of family.
 
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for 
efficient beating.
 
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
 
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
 
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, 
unrivaled inconvenience.
 
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for 
$1.00.

- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
f  11    000    4    000   Department of the Treasury -   11    999   999   11
o 111   0   0  44   0   0  Internal Revenue Service      111   9   9 9   9 111
r   1   0   0 44444 0   0  U U SSS                         1    9999  9999   1
m   1   0   0   4   0   0  U U SSS Individual Income       1       9     9   1
  11111  000    4    000   UUU SSS Tax Return            11111  999   999  11111
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the year January 1 - December 31, 1992 or whenever you get around to it.
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
please| FULL NAME | LAST NAME  | SECOND TO LAST INITIAL | Starch     | []cuffs
print,|           |            |                        | []yes []no | []nocuffs
type  |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
or use| Present address of addressee (must be filled out by addressor or legal
hyro- | guardian of aforementioned (unless greater than line B above))
glyph-|
ics   |-------------------------------------------------------------------------
(no   | City, Town, Post Office, Shoe Size | Address greater than line 41? []yes
Latin)|                                    | If yes, why? ________________ []no
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Height | Weight | Sex []yes | Occu-  Yours  _________ | Social Security Number
       |        |     []no  | pation Spouse _________ | Yours _|_|_ Spouse _|_|_
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
             >   Do you wish to designate    []yes   | Isn't     | NOTE:  if you
Presidential >>  $1 of your taxes to this    []no    | this a    | checked   yes
Election     >>> worthy cause?               []maybe | dumb law? | we  will come
Campaign     >>  What about the little lady? []metoo |     []yes | and steal all
             >   The kids, dog, cat, fish?   []woof  |     []no  | your hubcaps.
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Requested   >   A. How many talking chickens do you own?    | D yes?   []no
by          >>  B. Names _______________________________    | E no?    []yes
the         >>> C. Do any of them play the oboe? []yes []no | F maybe? []perhaps
Department  >>>>----------------------------------------------------------------
of          >>> Do you live within 2 miles | Have  you  rotated | If no file IRS
Agriculture >>  of a decent  pizza  place? | your tires lately? | tire  rotation
            >   []yes []no []extra cheese  | []yes []no []flat  | Schedule L
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filing  1 [] Single  2 [] Double  3 [] Triple  4 [] Sacrifice Fly | for IRS use
Status  5 [] Married Filing Singly Joint return                   |  O |   | X
             (even if spouse is married separately)               | ---|---|---
        6 [] Joint married singly separate spouse                 |    | X |
             (but filing double jointed)                          | ---|---|---
        7 [] Head of Household filing separate but joint return   |  X | O | O
             (if unmarried but jointly single)                    |-------------
        8 [] Head of joint filing single file spouses separately
        9 [] Widow(er) with separate dependent filing out of joint return singly
       10 [] Deceased filing posthumous return
             (attach notarized Death Schedule D, signed by deceased)
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Exem-   41 a regular?                                      | Enter number of
ptions     b [] yourself  [] 65 or over  [] blind  [] dead | boxes checked > ___
             [] spouse    [] 65 or over  [] blind  [] dead |
           c Names of Dependent children who lived with    | Check number of
You          you __________________  Why? _______________  | boxes entered > ___
are        d Just first names dummy.                       |
here       4 Do you weigh more than last year's tax form?  | Enter number of
 |         e Number of parakeets subtracted from Gross     | checkered boxes ___
 |           Rotated Income (plus line 27 - unless greater |
\|/          than twelve miles)                            | Do nothing
 v         f How many inches in a liter? _____             | Here          > ___
 *      11 a Total Confusion
             (add lines 6e and f,g; fold in eggs, beat until firm) --------> ---
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Income  12 Wages, Salaries, Tips, Extortion. (attach W2 forms to    |##|     | |
           your forehead with heavy duty staplegun) . . . . . . . . |12|_____|_|
        13 Remunerations (if less than gross reimbursements then    |##|     | |
Please     file schedule Q (see page 14 of "Joy of Cooking")) . . . |13|_____|_|
attach  14 Gross influx (see 40% of instructions) . . . . . . . . . |14|_____|_|
payment 15 Money you made (if $400 or less, more or less, list      |##|     | |
(small     schedule B without not filling in Part II and R2, but    |##|     | |
unmarked   more than line 8). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |15|_____|_|
bills)  16 What about all that cash you stashed in that jar under   |##|     | |
here.      the garage? (see page 7 of instructions) . . . . . . . . |16|_____|_|
|          ---------------------------------------------------------------------
|___    17 Add lines 12 through 16, multiply by 2,                  |##|     | |
           this is your total income. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |17|_____|_|
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxes   18 Enter Grossly adjusted net average income (line 17). . . |18|_____|_|
        19 Enter Total deductions (if greater than 0, enter 0). . . |19|_____|_|
        20 Subtract line 19 from line 18. Taxable income. . . . . . |20|_____|_|
        21 Figure Total Taxes using line 20 . . . . . . . . . . . . |##|     | |
           [] Tax Table [] Tax Rate Schedule X, Y, or Z [] Guessed. |21|_____|_|
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Payment 23 Federal income tax withheld  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |23|_____|_|
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amount  25 If line 23 is larger that 21, you made a mistake,        |##|     | |
You        re-figure your taxes.                                    |##|     | |
Owe     26 Subtract line 23 from line 21. . . . . . . . . . . . . . |26|_____|_|
        27 Add the shirt off your back. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |27|_____|_|
        28 Send it in . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . |28|_____|_|
        29 Pick a number between 1 and 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . |29|_____|_|
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please >  Under penalty of death, I declare that every figure on this return and
Sign   >> accompanying  schedules is correct  to within 100% plus or minus some.
Here   >  Signature ___________________________ date ___________   check here []
- --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


------- End of Forwarded Message

    that was good Scott! thanks!
    
    						/who_needs_to_do_his
    

    FUNNY STUFF Scott!!!
    
    rfb whose returns are already spent....LONG GONE!!!!!!!

Subj:	today's Dave Barry


April 3rd
---------
In the song "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain When She Comes", why do they 
announce so cheerfully that they intend to "kill the old red rooster when she 
comes"? Is it some kind of ritual thing? Or is it that they just hate the old
red rooster, because maybe it pecked them or something when they were 
children, and now they're just using the fact that she's comin' round the 
mountain as an excuse to kill it?

    when my 14 year old was about 3 we used to hang out with some people
    that had evry kind of farm animal immaginable...all living on their
    front porch...including an old red rooster that always pecked all the
    little kids...I told Tiffany to not let him even get close and if he
    did to kick him. The next day I had to go out and tell Tiffany to quit
    bootin  the rooster all over the yard like a football...I don't think
    the ole red rooster was ever the same after that....
                                                    rfb

    
    i don't know about this...  all this talk about physical abuse of
    poultry makes me wonder if you aren't all in league with (insert
    sinister soundtrack here) Frank Perdue-the anti-chicken!   
    
    at least Dave Barry (in typical Dave-fashion i might add) has a somewhat
    respectful reference to the religious ritual aspect of it...
    
    those of us who value the differences embodied in chickens and
    appreciate thier great spiritual, deity-like powers appreciate that!
    					:^)  :^)  :^)
    
    						da ve_aka_SC2 :^) 

What I'd like to know is, on Dragnet they say the "names were changed to pro-
tect the innocent."  Does that mean that Joe Friday and Bill Gannon are not
their real names?  And if they're not, what are their real names?





Jum too much Nick at nightitis

Bill Gannon's name is actually Sherman Potter.

- Dave wid de TV38itis

Lots-o-forwards deleted
-----------------------
	A recent study has revealed a correlation between commonly
	observed bumper stickers and the state of the economy.






	During boom times:
  #########################################################################   
  #                                                                       #   
  #           ###     ###                                                 #   
  #         ##   ## ##   ##                                               #   
  #        #       #       #                                              #   
  #   ###  #               #  #     # #     #    ####     ####    ####    #   
  #    #   #               #  ##   ##  #   #     #   #   #    #  #    #   #   
  #    #    #             #   ##   ##  #   #     #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #    #     #           #    # # # #   # #      #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #    #      #         #     #  #  #   # #      #    #  #    #  #   ##   #   
  #    #       #       #      #     #    #       #    #  #    #  #    #   #   
  #    #        #     #       #     #    #       #   #   #    #  #   ##   #   
  #   ###        #   #        #     #    #       ####     ####    ### #   #   
  #               # #                                                     #   
  #                #                                                      #   
  #                                                                       #   
  #########################################################################   

	During a recession:	
  #########################################################################   
  #                                                                       #   
  #               #                                                       #   
  #              # #                                                      #   
  #             #   #                                                     #   
  #  ###       #     #        #     # #     #    ####     ####    ####    #   
  #   #       #       #       ##   ##  #   #     #   #   #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #      #         #      ##   ##  #   #     #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #     #           #     # # # #   # #      #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #     #    ###    #     #  #  #   # #      #    #  #    #  #   ##   #   
  #   #     #   # # #   #     #     #    #       #    #  #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #      ###  #  ###      #     #    #       #   #   #    #  #   ##   #   
  #  ###         # #          #     #    #       ####     ####    ### #   #   
  #             #   #                                                     #   
  #            #######                                                    #   
  #                                                                       #   
  #########################################################################   

	During a depression:
  #########################################################################   
  #                                                                       #   
  #              ###                                                      #   
  #             #   #                                                     #   
  #            #     #                                                    #   
  #            #     #                                                    #   
  #  ###        #   #         #     # #     #    ####     ####    ####    #   
  #   #          # #          ##   ##  #   #     #   #   #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #       ###   ###       ##   ##  #   #     #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #      #         #      # # # #   # #      #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #     #           #     #  #  #   # #      #    #  #    #  #   ##   #   
  #   #     #    ###    #     #     #    #       #    #  #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #      #  # # #  #      #     #    #       #   #   #    #  #   ##   #   
  #  ###      ##  #  ##       #     #    #       ####     ####    ### #   #   
  #              # #                                                      #   
  #             #   #                                                     #   
  #            #######                                                    #   
  #                                                                       #   
  #########################################################################   

	During economic collapse:
  #########################################################################   
  #                                                                       #   
  #             ######                                                    #   
  #            #      #                                                   #   
  #           #        #                                                  #   
  #  ###      #        #      #     # #     #    ####     ####    ####    #   
  #   #       #        #      ##   ##  #   #     #   #   #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #        #      #       ##   ##  #   #     #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #         ######        # # # #   # #      #    #  #    #  #        #   
  #   #        #      #       #  #  #   # #      #    #  #    #  #   ##   #   
  #   #       #        #      #     #    #       #    #  #    #  #    #   #   
  #   #       #        #      #     #    #       #   #   #    #  #   ##   #   
  #  ###      #        #      #     #    #       ####     ####    ### #   #   
  #            #      #                                                   #   
  #             ######                                                    #   
  #                                                                       #   
  #########################################################################   

<forwards removed>


	A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention
	when their car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs
	completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night
	in a motel.
 
	The only motel in this town has only one room available so they
	have a minor problem.
 
	Priest:  "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem,
	under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this
	one room.  I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed."




 
	Sister:  "I think that would be okay."
 
	They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in
	the room.

	Ten minutes later...
 
	Sister:  "Father, I'm terribly cold."
 
	Priest:  "Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet."





 
	Ten minutes later...
 
	Sister:  "Father, I'm still terribly cold."
 
	Priest:  "Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket."

	Ten minutes later...
 
	Sister:  "Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think the
	Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one
	night."
 
	Priest:  "You're probably right."






		    "Get up and get your own damn blanket."

From:	DECWRL::"munroe@DMC.COM" "Don't take life so serious--it ain't
		                  nohow permanent." 
To:	j_croll@DMC.COM, t_parmenter@DMC.COM
Subj:	Great joke used as a .sig

-A ham and cheese sandwich walked into the local cafe' and sat at
an empty bar stool.  The bartender, with this disgruntled look on his
face, immediately rushed over to the sandwich and said, "sorry buddy
you are going to have to leave".  The ham and cheese sandwich replied,
"Why, what did I do wrong?", and the bartender said, "Can't you read
the sign above the bar?"

              ---------------------------------
              -   We do not serve food here   -
              ---------------------------------

{headers removed}

                   H. ROSS PEROT OR POTTED MEAT LOOM SMALL
    
               by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
              copied from the Asbury Park (NJ) Press, 1-Apr-1992

    As we enter Crucial Week 653 of the presidential election process, two
    things are clear:

    1.  The voters, having had a chance to express their views in poll after
    poll and primary after primary, have narrowed the field down to George
    Bush, Bill Clinton and Jerry Brown.

    2.  The voters can't stand George Bush, Bill Clinton and Jerry Brown.

    The voters can't figure out how this happened.  They feel like a person
    who drank the tequila bottle all they way down to the worm the night
    before and woke up in bed next to a member of the opposite sex with lip
    sores the size of Susan B. Anthony dollars.

    "WAIT a minute," the voters are saying.  "You mean these guys are IT?"

    So now everybody's getting excited about H. Ross Perot.  Really.  Most of
    us don't really KNOW anything about H. Ross Perot, of course.  We don't
    even know what the "H" stands for.  For all we know, it could be
    "Helen." Also, most of us have no idea where H. Ross Perot stands on
    the issues.  He may be in favor of human sacrifice as a legislative
    tool.  But suddenly he's a major contender for the presidency, because
    he has the one quality that the voters are certain that his country
    needs: He is not George Bush, Bill Clinton or Jerry Brown.  As far as we
    know.

    Actually, I heard H. Ross Perot speak at a banquet once, and what I
    remember was how he kept talking about the Common Sense he had picked
    up from listening to Ordinary Working People.  Despite the fact that his
    net worth is roughly the same as that of Peru, H. Ross Perot regularly
    eats at ordinary restaurants, where, according to him, ordinary working
    people are always coming up and making wise homespun observations.

    "Ross," they say (they all call him Ross), "this is some kind of mess
    we have in Washington."

    Or they say: "Ross, this deficit is too darned big."

    Listening to H. Ross Perot speak, I remember thinking that I must be
    eating at the wrong kind of ordinary restaurant, because I NEVER hear
    people talk about the deficit.  I always hear people say things like:
    "Jason, Mommy told you NOT TO PUT LEGOS IN KRISTIN'S SPAGHETTI."

    But apparently H. Ross dines at more issue-oriented types of restaurant,
    which has enabled him to develop a lot of common-sense ideas, and
    although nobody I've met knows what they are, I look for him to be a
    strong contender.  Of course in the current political climate, a can of
    Armour brand Potted Meat Food Product would be a strong contender, as
    long as it had no connection with Washington.

    The voters are feeling extremely hostile toward Washington.  Here's a
    true story: I recently flew from Miami to Washington, and when I was
    checking my baggage in Miami, the baggage man asked where I was headed.

    "Washington," I said.

    "That's a very corrupt city," he said.

    Do you believe that? Here's a guy who thinks Washington is corrupt, and
    he lives in Miami, a city where commuter traffic is frequently snarled
    by overturned cocaine trucks.

    So needless to say all the presidential candidates are opposed to
    Washington.  Leading the way is George Bush, who can't STAND Washington
    and promises to do something about it if only we'd elect him president.
    Also, I'm sure that your congressperson will campaign for re-election
    on the theme of opposing Washington for being the corrupt and bloated
    and out-of-touch kind of place that would allow your congressperson to
    bounce checks through no fault of his or here own.

    So at least everybody agrees on what the problem is.  And as the
    election year creeps forward, it will be up to the estimated 78 people
    who still actually vote to decide who is best qualified to meet the
    challenge.  My money is on the potted meat.

Some more Dave Barry-isms from his calendar, just couldn't resist popping em in 
here...


April 24th
----------
There are big balloons of blame in every corporation, drifting gently from 
person to person. The purpose of your memos is to keep these balloons aloft,
to bat them gently on their way. This requires soft, meaningless phrases, 
such as "less than optimal". If you write a direct memo, a memo that uses
sharp words such as "bad" to make an actual point, you could burst a balloon
of and wind up with blame all over your cublicle.

April 25th and 26th
-------------------
I'll tell you what would *really* age me fast: if I had a teenaged daughter. 
Because that would mean that teenaged boys would be coming around my house.
"Hi, Mr. Barry", they'd say, with their cheerful, innocent young voices. 
"We're here to have sex with your daughter!" They wouldn't come out and *say* 
that, but I know that's what they'd be *thinking*, because I was a teenaged 
boy once, and I was basically a walking hormone storm.

April 27th
----------
One thing you have probably wondered about for many years is why musicians
who sing rock'n'roll tend to be extremely thin, if not actually dead, whereas
those who sing, say, opera, tend to be humongous wads of cellulite. The 
reason for this phenomenon, scientists now believe, is that fat cells are
actually destroyed by stupid lyrics.

{headers removed}

    Kathleen was a poor, humble, church-going old woman who lived in a 
    small shack at the edge of an Irish country town.  One morning, as 
    she was walking home from church, she noticed that she was about to 
    step on a snail.  Quickly, she twisted her foot to avoid the snail, 
    lost her balance, and fell onto the road.  As she got up and brushed 
    herself off, the snail looked up at her and said:
    
    "Kathleen, you are such a good woman.  Most people wouldn't have 
    given a second thought to stepping on so lowly a creature as myself.  
    But here you risk life and limb to spare my life."
    
    "Think nothing of it," said Kathleen.  "That's just the way I am.  
    All God's creatures are precious and I must not harm even the lowliest 
    of them."
    
    "Kathleen," said the snail, "you are truly a special person.  It 
    is in my power to grant you three wishes."
    
    "That really isn't necessary."
    
    "Oh, Kathleen, I insist.  What is your first wish?"
    
    Kathleen, spent a few minutes in deep thought and then replied: "Look 
    at me!  I am an old woman, bent over with age, crippled with arthritis.  
    When I was a young girl, I had long, golden hair and a trim figure.  
    How I wish I could again be that young girl."
    
    "Your wish is granted," said the snail.  And there before him was a 
    beautiful, 20-year-old woman, with a beautiful figure and long, 
    flowing, golden hair.  "Now, what is your second wish?"
    
    After a few moments of thought, Kathleen replied: "I have lived my 
    life in a little hovel on the edge of town.  How I wish I could have a 
    fine Irish country house with all of the furnishings and 
    accouterments."
    
    "Your wish is granted," said the snail.  "When you get home you will 
    see what awaits you.  Now, for your third and final wish."
    
    The third wish took a little more thinking.  Finally, she said: "For 
    the past several years, my only friend and companion has been my cat, 
    Tom.  How I wish that you could turn him into a handsome young man to 
    be my companion."
    
    "Your wish is granted," said the snail.  "Now, go home and see what 
    awaits you."
    
    Kathleen fairly danced down the road to her house.  Where her shack 
    had been, there now stood a beautiful country house.  She climbed the 
    stairs, opened the carved oak doors and entered.  To her left was a 
    beautiful living room, filled with leather furniture and oriental rugs.  
    To her right was a dining room, with mahogany table and sideboard.  The 
    sideboard was filled will the finest of china and crystal and sterling.
    
    As if in a dream, Kathleen ascended the sweeping staircase and 
    entered the bedroom.  There was a gorgeous four-poster bed, and on it 
    the most beautiful negligee she had ever seen.  Quickly, she changed 
    into the negligee.  As was admiring herself in the mirror, and brushing 
    her beautiful hair, there was a knock on the door.
    
    She looked toward the door, only to see the handsomest young man with 
    the greenest eyes she had ever seen - she just knew it had to be Tom.  
    He came to her quickly, embraced her and kissed her.  He slipped off 
    her negligee and carried her to the bed.  As he slipped into bed beside 
    her, he embraced her and kissed her again, and then whispered in her 
    ear:
    
    
    "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

  What did the banana say to the vibrator?                   





  "What are you shaking for? I'm the one that's going to get eaten."

    
    I'll try to do this justice ... cracked me up this morning:
    Simulated traffic report on CGY: 
       "Major heavy traffic in the diamond lane this morning. The diamond
        lane is restricted to the following drivers:
    		o   only the top of your head is visible over the steering
    		    wheel
    		o   two hands must be clenched to the wheel
    		o   one turn signal must be on at all times
    		o   you must be driving 20 mph slower then the posted limit
    		o   you must be driving a car made in the 70's (preferably
    		    dark green) that is the size of a Dairy Queen shop
    		o   you must hit the brakes every 2 minutes "
    
    
    		 

    Hey, that's not the diamond lane ... that's Salisbury Street in
    Worcester ... except that the top of the head that's visible over the
    steering wheel is always covered with white hair (usually looking like
    a dandelion gone to seed) and the car is usually a late-model Cadillac
    instead of a 70's model green something-or-other.
    
    All other descriptions apply ...
    
    					... Bobbb
    

    
    Hey Bobbb, you must always be behind me on my way to school!
    
    ;-)

Subj:	today's Dave Barry


May 20th
--------
The U.S. Constitution divides the federal government into three equal 
branches. This separation of powers creates a system of "checks and balances", 
which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of
the governement will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite 
reaction from some other part.

------- Forwarded Message

From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
To: /dev/null@citi.umich.edu
Date:   Tue, 19 May 1992 18:51:46 -0400
Subject: Grounding...
 
Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.bondage
From: jfriday@ada.stat.uga.edu (Paul Stacy)
 
Grounding
- - ----------
 My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get
away with doing some form of our bondage in public.  She does this partly
because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my
tree.  Usually, I'm able to fasttalk my way out of potentially embarrassing
situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.
 
 Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together.  Afterward, she accompanied me
back to my place of work.  I thought this slightly unusual, since she had
never before expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering,)
but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
 
 We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why
the $&%@*! board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed
it.
 "Is this where you work?" she asked.
 "At the moment," I replied.
 
 I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice
the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse.  Before
I could even blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she
had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the
six-foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened
to be a mounting hole, dammit).  I turned to face her in utter disbelief,
mouth agape.
 "I'll be back for you at five," she said.
 "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!?" I yelled in a hushed voice.  "HOW
THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
 "You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage.
"You always do."
 "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
 "Don't give me that," she said.  "I've seen you go for a whole day without
visiting the bathroom."
 "But..." I tried to say.
 "SHHH!  The subject is closed.  I'll be back at five.  Bye."
 
 She turned and left, against my hushed protests.  I sat in panic and tried
to think out my situation.  I tried to think of all the people who might
visit.  Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend
and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them.  But I had *no*
idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in.  I checked my
watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy.  13:30 (I'm
a military time weenie).  "Three and a half hours," I thought.  I heaved
a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
 
 As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for whatnot.  All of them
immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked
if it was my girlfriend's idea.  I said yes.  They asked what I would say
if my supervisor saw it.  I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
 
 One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after
a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the
one I had), settled down to work in silence.
 
 After some time, I checked my watch.  16:40.  "Gee, I just might make it
through this after all," I thought.  I was even beginning to get a handle
on the problem with the #%^*@!  board on which I was working.  Murphy must
have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than
two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room.  And not just any
boss.  Noooooooo.  This was Mr. Narrowminded himself.  This was the guy
who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again funda- mentalist.  How he
came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great
Mysteries of The Universe.  We avoided this guy at all costs.
 
 His eyes fell upon me immediately.  A few picoseconds later, he saw the
collar around my neck in all its splendor.  "My life is over," I thought.
I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this.  Mr.
Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his
real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes
fixed on the collar.  Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing
next to me.  I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have a
seizure stifling all his giggles.  I continued to work, acting as though
there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.
 
 Finally, he spoke.
 "What.  The.  HELL!  Is.  That??!" he said.
 
 I don't know how I thought of what I said.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I
didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it.  I'm
even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me
on the spot.
 
 I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete
confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it
was yet.  I didn't even miss a beat.
 "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.
 
 The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.



------- End of Forwarded Message

    The following was excerpted from an article in yesterday's Boston Glob.
    
    "In these sensitive times we use language at our peril lest we appear
    racist, sexist, speciesist, ethnocentrist, ageist, sizeist or a host of
    other -ists too numerous to list here."
    
    "Language has become a minefield, or perhaps I should use the term
    "strategically targeted terrain", where many of us fear to walk freely
    for fear of being thought to harbor opinions that might be construed as
    politically incorrect."
    
    "Those who think the situation has gone too far will welcome [the] new
    paperback "The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook"."
    
    (Here are some of what I thought were the funnier terms they mentioned)
    
      Feline American - cat
      Sexually Focused Chronologically Gifted Individual - dirty old man
      Chemically Inconvenient - drunk
      Hair Disadvantaged - bald
      Cerebro-Atmospheric Individual - airhead
      Horizontally Challenged - fat
      Career-Change Opportunity - job lay-off
      Decruit - fired
    
    							... Bobbb
    

    
   A CEO died and was given his choice of spending eternity in Heaven
   or Hell.  He asked if he could view each before making up his mind.
   In Heaven, everything was very quiet; people lay around, dozing on
   clouds and enjoying a perfect summer day.  Upon viewing Hell, the
   CEO saw a wild party; beautiful women, free-flowing booze and
   everyone having a wonderful time.  So the CEO chose Hell.
   
   But upon entering the Nether Regions, the CEO found himself in a
   black dungeon, surrounded by flames and tortured souls crying out in
   anguish.  "This isn't the same place I saw before" the CEO
   complained to a passing demon.  "What happened to the party?", "Oh,"
   replied the demon, "that was just the demo".
   

    This isn't really a joke but I've been giggling about it for a while
    and I have to share it.
    
    I'm revising the VAX FORTRAN Performance Guide (now how many of you
    have that book?), updating it with some things my predecessor put in
    the now-dead VAX FORTRAN for Ultrix Performance Guide but not in the
    VMS version.
    
    On page 4-30 they're talking about cache sizes and how large loops with
    many memory operations and how they affect performance.  Then comes the
    line "Different systems have different systems."  This is in a book
    that has been printed and used by at least someone (maybe they even
    read the book).
    
    Another good one I found was the word "recomputating".
    
    Scott
    

    Huh? Recomputating??? 

Reminds me of my translated motorcycle manual that referred to the 
"lubrification".

	:-)

Memorandum Trickle-Down at NASA
======================================================================

FROM:   Headquarters
TO:     All NASA Centers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Haley's Comet will appear over this area.  This
is an event which occurs only once every 75 years.  Notify all Directors
and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Center lawn
and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon.  If it rains,
cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a
film about the comet.

----------

FROM:   The Director
TO:     Organizational Directors

By order of the Administrator, next Thursday at 10:30, Haley's Comet
will appear over the Center lawn.  If it rains, cancel the day's work
and report to the auditorium will all employees, where we will show
films:  A phenomenonal event which occurs every 75 years.

----------

FROM:   Organizational Director
TO:     Division Chiefs

By order of the phenomenonal Administrator, at 10:30 next Thursday,
Haley's Comet will appear in the auditorium.  In case of rain over the
Center lawn, the Administrator will give another order, something which
occurs only every 75 years.

----------

FROM:   Division Chief
TO:     Branch Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Administrator will appear in the auditorium
with Haley's Comet, something which occurs only every 75 years.  If it
rains, the Administrator will cancel the comet and order us all out to
our phenomenonal Center lawn.

----------

FROM:   Branch Chief
TO:     Section Heads

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Center lawn, the
phenomenonal 75-year-old Administrator will cancel all work and appear
before all employees in the auditorium, accompanied by Bill Haley and
his Comets.

======================================================================

> He scoops! He cores!

Reminds me of a personal name I've heard of.

JESUS SAVES!  Gretzky on the rebound....SCORES!

The guy who had it had to change it...Some people just can't take a joke...

But, ya' know how that old saying goes.... :-)

Dave

>But, ya' know how that old saying goes.... :-)

Ya mean...
	
	There's scone in every chowder?

:-)

    ugh...  as you may have imagined, i'm DIGGING these food puns, but for
    now i'll CLAM up...
    
    					da ve

    I've always cherised an old Bug's Bunny line...
    
    
    What food these morsels be!
    
    PeterT
    

    I didn't get a chance to go through all of these, so if this is
    already in here, feel free to delete it . . . This was forwarded
    to me today entitled:  DEChumor, joke at our expense:
    
    	Four men are stranded on an island that has nothing on it but
    a tree in the middle of it.  These men are from DEC, HP, IBM and SUN.
    
    
    The HP guy says:   "Lets cut down the tree so we can build some
    			shelter"
    
    The SUN guy says:  "Lets cut down the tree and start a big fire 
    			so we can attract a passing ship and get
    			rescued."
    
    The IBM guy says:  "Lets cut down the tree and hollow it out 
    			into a canoe and rescue ourselves."
    
    
    The DEC guy says . . . 
    
    	"Hmmm.  This tree is made out of mahogany.  We can build a
    	 conference table and form a committee to study all our
    	 options"
    
    
    :-) :-) :-)  

July 21st
---------
"Reaganomics" - an economic program based on the theory that the government
could *lower* taxes while *increasing* spending and at the same time *reduce*
the federal deficit by sacrificing a *live* chicken by the light of a *full*
moon.

Yiiikkkes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    he understands...  he is, after all, a dave...
    
    				da ve

                        -==--==--==-<>-==--==--==-

                           from THE TAO TE CHIP
                           by Jeffrey Sorrenson
                           sorensen@ecse.rpi.edu
               (with help from Steven Mitchell and Lao Tzu)

               2

When users see one GUI as beautiful,
other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
other programs become lossage.

Pointers and NULLs reference each other.
High level and assembler depend on each other.
Double and float cast to each other.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.

Therefore the Guru 
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
processes are swapped and he lets them go.
He has but doesn't possess,
acts but doesn't expect.
When his work is done, he deletes it.
That is why it lasts forever.

               80

If a system is administered wisely,
its users will be content.
They enjoy hacking their code
and don't waste time implementing
labor-saving shell scripts.
Since they dearly love their accounts,
they aren't interested in other machines.
There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp,
but these don't access any hosts.
There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware,
but nobody ever uses them.
People enjoy reading their mail,
take pleasure in being with their newsgroups,
spend weekends working at their terminals,
delight in the doings at the site.
And even though the next system is so close
that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps,
they are content to die of old age
without ever having gone to see it.

                        -==--==--==-<>-==--==--==-

Dan Quayle decides he wants to do some winter fishing.  So he gets together
his stuff, and heads out on the ice.  He puts down his pail and his rod,
and he starts drilling a hole in the ice.  All of a sudden, he hears this
deep voice come out of nowhere that says: "There are NO fish under the ice."
So, Dan looks around, he can't quite figure where the voice is coming from,
so he moves over about 25 feet to his left and starts drilling again.  And
once again he hears a loud voice: "I said, there's NO fish under the ice."
He looks around some more, and figures he better move farther away.  So,
he goes all the way over the other side, puts down his stuff and starts
drilling again. 

"For the last time, this is the rink manager, there are NO fish under the
ice"

:-)

 Hah!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes light, your 
heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, and the whole 
world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately these are also the 
four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a good idea to check with 
your doctor.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:-)  Dave Barry is great.

More Dave Barry.  Hey old farts ;^) this won't happen to you soon will it???


August 5th
----------
It's very common for people reaching middle age to turn into Republicans. It 
can happen overnight. You go to bed as a your regular old T-shirt-wearing 
self, and you wake up the next morning with Ralph Lauren clothing and friends 
named Muffy.

    I have a friend named Muffy......never mind......
                                                     rfb

re                     <<< Note 104.448 by CXDOCS::BARNES >>>

>    I have a friend named Muffy......never mind......


		.... leave it to rfb !!!!!!!!!  :-) :-) :-)

    heard an english comedian on the radio the other day. talked about
    writing a letter home and needing an eraser, which they call a rubber
    in England. He went to a business supply store and asked for a rubber.
    They sent him to the drug store. He asks the pretty young girl sales
    clerk for a rubber, she asks"only one?" he replies, "I don't make that
    many mistakes." then asks her if they have one with a picture of Micky
    Mouse on the end.....cracked me up...
    
                                        rfb

    Interesting how some of the English terms have turned into American
    sexual innuendo's.  Don't know if there's any real derivation, or
    just a case of contorted parallel development.  For example, a few
    I remember when working with Brits back about a decade ago:
    
    "Should I knock you up later?"  
    
    translates as, Should I give you a call/drop by later?
    
    Keep your pecker up!
    
    translates as, Keep your chin up!
    
    Of course, they could have been pulling my leg (which undoubtedly is 
    slang for masturbating in the UK ;-)
    
    PeterT       

    nah...  slang for masterbating is "wanking" or being a "wanker"...
    
    one of my faves stories that floated around here a couple years ago
    is about the guy from the states in a meeting who lamented not bringing
    his suspenders cuz his pants were falling down...  he couldn't
    understand why the others in the meeting were so affected by this
    comment...  until someone explained that "pants" there are womens
    undies (as opposed to "trousers") and "suspenders" translates more
    into garters (he should have said "braces")...
    
    for what it's worth, you should also never give someone a pat on the
    "fanny" (unless invited of course), and being "pissed" has nothing to
    do with being angry...  :^)
    
    					da ve

    
   > for what it's worth, you should also never give someone a pat on the
   > "fanny" (unless invited of course), and being "pissed" has nothing to
   > do with being angry...  :^)
    
    
     I especially like "pissed". One night my wife and I were watching
  a British comedy on ch.11 and a line went something like, "I was so 
  pissed I couldn't walk a straight line!" or something to that effect.
  Taken in context it was a funny segment (wish I could remember how it went)

   My wife couldn't understand what was so funny till I told her the 
  difference between American "pissed" and British "pissed".

  Shawn

    A course which will help you communicate better in meetings, if not
    when writing course descriptions.  Yes, it is for real.  Yes, it is
    somewhat sad, but what can you do but laugh?
    
    Read the whole thing, it gets better as it goes.
    
    Jamie
    
DESCRIPTION:
This is a course for technical professionals who are sick of wasting 
time in meetings.  Every engineering discipline has its graphical tools 
yet in meetings, diagrams and matrices are rarely exploited.  Meetings 
that try to get results through conversation alone may waste your time.  
     
But even the conversations can be designed, if you know the principles.
This course promises to have you accomplish more of what you're already 
committed to while you're in it than you get done in the same time now.  
And during the course you will significantly increase your capacity to:
     
* Design effective conversations so that action items will be delivered
     
* Use a diagram or matrix so your meetings won't bog down in complexity
     
* Know when to use graphical ("TQM") tools and when to use conversation
     
The course leader is Russ Doane, who started with Digital as a circuit 
designer in 1960.  He has led over 50 hardware and software engineering 
meetings using risk assessment fishbones, concept development matrices, 
and other Total Quality Management (TQM) tools.  Russ's own 30 years of 
irritation with inadequate meeting designs motivated his integration of 
TQM methods with conversations designed around four key "speech acts."
     
HISTORICAL TREND TOWARD MORE ENGINEERING IN MEETINGS (1/2 page):
When Digital was small, one Lone Ranger with a faithful assistant Tonto 
could engineer anything.  Later, we networked the Lone Rangers.
     
We used to sneer that a camel is a horse designed by committee.  To 
avoid the need for committees we modularized complex systems in layers.  
Each module was no bigger than the ability of an individual or a tiny 
team to accomplish.  The pivotal task was to define the standard 
interfaces.  We named the Lone Ranger who did this a guru or architect.
     
But networked Lone Rangers don't always succeed today.  To overwhelm 
complex problems thoroughly and fast you need to form a real posse.  
Call it Concurrent Engineering, Cross Functional Teamwork, or whatever.
     
In part, that's because the number of layers and the complexity of 
their interactions keeps growing.  Complex standards can exceed the 
ability of any lone guru to design, develop, and impose on everyone who 
must align with it.  So developing a standard may require big meetings.
     
Also, many customers aren't satisfied with the pieces of a solution.  
They want to buy it already integrated.  To integrate, many people and 
organizations must cooperate;  which often implies big meetings.
     
So divide-and-conquer methods are failing to deliver the integration, 
cost, and delivery customer want.  Straw horses and midnight prototypes 
mean critique, revise, retest.  This rework costs money and burns time.  
World class engineering avoids much of it using big effective meetings.
     
BRIEF FREE SAMPLE FROM THE COURSE:
The big new idea that lets big meetings work?  Exploit peoples' eyes.  
The acoustic bandwidth doesn't grow with the number of participants,  
but each added person adds a visual channel.  That's the secret in TQM.
     
However, the verbal channel is still necessary for speech acts:  
declarations, assertions, requests, and promises.  Parallel processing 
by many pairs of eyes has to be complemented by effective speaking.  
Combining verbal and visual channels should be planned on fundamental 
principles which this course allows you to learn and practice.
     
HOW YOU WILL LEARN AS YOU WORK:
Your initial two-day session will introduce the key concepts.  Most of 
the time you'll practice:  in pairs, trios, with the group as a whole.  
There will be reading on the evening of Day 1 for discussion on the 
second day.  All this is to prepare you to practice productively in the 
six weeks before the second two-day session.  During these weeks you 
can count on more than making up for your four days spent in class.
      
Participants will be expected to arrange partnering for mutual 
coaching, to keep their learnings active during the six week interval.  
Coaching by the instructor can also be arranged if schedules permit.
     
Your second two-day session will deepen your understanding and add some 
new methods.  There will be homework on the evening of day three.  You 
will do some real-work design using Pugh's concept-development matrix.  
At the end of day four you'll plan further actions back on the job.  
Again, coaching by the instructor after the course can be arranged if 
you wish to advance beyond what your partner-coaching structure allows.
     
PREREQUISITES:  None	LENGTH:  4 days over a 6 week interval
     
CLASS SIZE:  Minimum 5, Maximum 20.
     
COST:  $800 per participant in open-enrollment courses.

	When I was in Ireland, I had just arrived and we, as a group, were
discussing how to make the best use of my time while I was there to 
accomplish the task.  Once we had business stuff out of the way, we talked about
getting together at a bar later in the evening.  Right before we ended the
meeting, I summarized our evening plans:

	"Ok, Michelle will pick me up at 8 o'clock and give me a ride
	 to the pub."

Well, the entire room started cracking up over what I said, and, Michelle
who was a particularly attractive young woman, started turning a bit red.
Minutes later I learned that I basically said:

	"Ok, Michelle will pick me up at 8 o'clock, have sex with me, and
	 bring me to the pub."

"ride" apparently is the word of subject.  An interesting introduction to
Ireland for me, indeed!

To hell with the CD, heck this is the '90's dammit; I'd be lookin' for that 
V.35 DTR instead -- 19.2K just aint fast enough for this TD.. :-)


VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                           [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                           [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

                        Are You A Techno-dweeb?

    Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities?  Many
    do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive.  If you can
    relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with  Techno-Dweeb. 
    If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a  Techno-Dweeb. Do not
    despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge
    to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone
    book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with
    you until the feeling passes.

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TECHNO-DWEEB WHEN...

    When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you 
    reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

    When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and 
    you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see 
    if you can raise CD.

    When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

    When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up 
    sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

    When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her,  
    "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

    When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

    When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32  bits.

    When you have to go to the bathroom, but you wait until bladder 
    meltdown, since "goto" is bad programming style.

    When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve 
    eye-hand coordination.

    When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a 
    crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection  in
    case of a crash.

    When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive 
    to your machines.

    When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

    When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and 
    you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

    When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and 
    come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise 
    her for for omitting the else clause.

    When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

    {Contributed to rec.humor.funny and attributed to Jim Ritterbusch} 

VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                           [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent]
=====================                           [Littleton, MA, USA            ]

                        World's Smallest Disk Drive

    In August, Hewlett-Packard will start shipping the world's
    smallest disk drive, a matchbook-size 1.3-inch device that can
    store up to 21.4M bytes of data. The entire package, including
    housing, is 0.4 x 2 inches x 1.44 inches, about half the size of
    disk drives used in some notebook computers. HP developed the disk
    drive with AT&T Microelectronics and Citizen Watch of Japan. Among
    innovations: thin-film glass-based media that's stronger than
    conventional aluminum-substrate media, and air-bag-sensor-like
    technology that lets the device withstand operating shock ten
    times higher than conventional drives. Applications: palmtop,
    pen-based, and sub-notebook computers, medical equipment, and
    video games, among others. 
    {Design News, 20 July 1992, pg. 14} 
    [contributed by Chuck Newman]


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
        Please send subscription and backissue requests to CASEE::VNS

    Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
    provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
    VNS correspondent and original source are retained in the copy.

<><><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 2650      Friday 28-Aug-1992   <><><><><><><><>

	re: VNS

	Since my group moved to MRO, I haven't been getting the VNS news
	mailed to me.  Anyone know how I can request it again ?

	Thanks
	Ken

        Please send subscription and backissue requests to CASEE::VNS

This was so funny (to me), I just hadda share it...

Its just dweeby enough so that some of you may appreciate it.  :-)


From:	NECSC::MAYNARD "Though this be madness, yet there's method in it  02-Sep-1992 1411"  2-SEP-1992 14:20:20.11
To:	M_CSCCSCMA::
CC:	MAYNARD
Subj:	Ray and Terry Beauregard spawned another subprocess yesterday

Process name is Jocelyn Gwen Beauregard.  Packet size 8lbs 2.5 ozs. 
Parent process anticipates a high thruput, limited memory, and massive   
utilization of all available resources.

-DM

8^P

I should put that in the Hackers "I've been working here too long" topic...
there are some good ones there...

...

	Frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

	Goes up to Patty Black, a loan officer, sez "I need a loan."

	Patty Black says 'What do you have for collateral"

	Frog empties his pockets on the table.

	She says "that's not good enough"

	Frog says " Let me speak to your manager"

	Manager says "what seems to be the problem?"

	Frog says, "I REALLY need a loan and I have this collateral".
	
	Manager looks at the collateral which inclues a miniature statue of the 
	Empire State building and sez :
	
	"It's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan" 

	

Carol, you shoulda kept that one in Hyannis!

:-)

Well, I'm just hopping around my office with laughter, you can bank on it!

8^)
	

    More please, I'm having WITHDRAWAL symptomz 8*)

    
    >>    More please, I'm having WITHDRAWAL symptomz 8*)
    
    No....I don't think there's much interest in here for that
    
    Hogan

RE:   <<< Note 104.464 by MR4DEC::WENTZELL "IfMusicBeTheFoodOfLove,PlayOn!!!" >>>
                                    -< ;^) >-

>Well, I'm just hopping around my office with laughter, you can bank on it!



You're not aloan Scott, to coin a phrase :-)






Jum	

    
    It's even better when told in person and when the listener has had
    2 margueritaas and a glass of dinner wine   :-)
    
    I'm still chuckling about it myself.
    
    c

    
        i think i'm gonna CROAK!
    
        8^)           ^dave                                 

    Puke you, Carol!  :^)

    Phyllis!  you didn't comment on my joke ( at .462 I think) ???? 
    
    

    
    that's because this is a family conference.  ;-)
    
    

FONTS OF WISDOM

by Barry Tarshis

copied w/o permission from the NY Times, Monday 8/31/92, p.A15

Imagine that a network morning show has assembled six political
heavyweights for a call-in show.  A teacher phones to report that during
a recent class tour of the White House, a student wanted a drink of
water, only to discover that the fountain was out of order.  The teacher
asks the panel what message a broken fountain at the White House sends
to the young people of America.  Let's listen to the answers.

Ross Perot: The question here is simple: how do we fix it.  I say, let's
bring together the finest plumbing talent in America -- from outside the
system.  Let them look at the fountain.  Turn it on.  Turn it off.
Measure the flow in it.  That sort of thing.  And you can be sure, the
next time you take a White House tour, you're going to drink from a
world-class fountain.

Jesse Jackson: Let us not talk about this broken water fountain.  Let us
talk about the thousands of broken water fountains across America.  For
they, too, are broken, like the broken dreams of America's forgotten
children.  And whether you are black, white, brown or yellow, you cannot
use them.  Why?  Because the Republican Party is more interested in
_Perrier_ water and _Pellegrino_ water than it is in _public_ water.

Al Gore: I love my country.  And I love water.  And I love the children
who drink from the water fountains in the country I love, and that my
father loves.  And I believe in my heart that the time has come, now
more than ever, for all of us to be inspired by the young people of
America whose dreams for the future depend on our ability as a nation to
provide them with the water that is the essence of their survival.

Dan Quayle: I am very, very sympathetic to the disappointment young
people in America feel when they go to a water fountain in the single
most important building in America and cannot drink from it.  Because I,
too, would be very, very disappointed if I were to go to get a drink
from a water fountain and discover that, because of the Democrats, the
water does not come up.  Water is a terrible thing to waste, when there
is thirst but no water, that is a terrible thing.

Bill Clinton: I grew up in a home where public water fountains were very
important to me and to my family.  And I have put forward a plan similar
to the plan I introduced to Arkansas.  This plan is good for America. It
takes the $4.25 million savings we ralize when we eliminate the 10
percent reduction on the capital gains that exceed $30,000 in any given
one-year period for Americans under the age of 31 who graduated before
1984, and it allocates 18.5 percent of that sum to paying for 80 percent
of the new fountain construction.

George Bush: O.K.  Sure.  Fine.  There's something wrong with a water
fountain in the White House?  Not denying it.  Have to be a fool to deny
it.  But make no mistake about it.  There is a lot that is _right_ with
it, too.  And that's one thing I want to focus on, you see, not what's
bad about the water fountains in America by what's _good_ about them.
And with the help of the American people and a Republican Congress I can
work with, I can make the water flow again in the water fountains of
America.

[anyone want to do, say, Buchanan, Pat Robertson or Mr. Marrou? :-)]

    Three strings walk into a bar.  The first string walks up to the bar,
    "I'd like three beers", says the string.
    
    "Wait a minute" says the bartender, "you're a string aren't you?"
    
    "Yes" replied the string.
    
    "Well we don't serve strings in here" said the bartender.
    
    When the string returned to the table without the beer the other
    strings asked why.  "They don't serve strings" was the reply.
    The second string said "You just didn't act right, I'll get the
    drinks."
    
    "I'd like three beers", says the second string to the bartender.
    "Look buddy like I told your friend, we don't serve strings!", said
    the bartender.
    
    The second string returned to the table and said, "They refuse to serve
    us, let's just go somewhere else." The third string said "I've seen
    this happen before, I'll show you how to get beer from this guy...."
    
    On his way up to the bar the third string stopped at the mens-room. He
    first frayed his hair then tied it into a knot. When he reached the bar
    he said in his deepest voice......"I'D LIKE THREE BEERS!" 
    
    The bartender looked him over for a moment and said,
    "Hey are you a string???" to which the third string replied.....
    
    
    
       
    "Nope, frayed knot"
    

A guy is on his way to the Republican National Convention when he gets lost. He
stops at a gas station to get directions.  The attendant says, "Well, you go
down this road about a mile, make a *hard right* just past the church.  You
can't miss it." 

Meetings are an addictive, hightly sef-indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually
engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

    :-)... oh man... 

This sequence of events, further documented in the attached memo causes an
ethernet driver to crash... 

>      1. System halts and re-boots after receiving certain 802 format
>         message(s).
>      2. MV3100/Ethernet LANCE chip system hang (ESDRIVER).
>      3. Non-privileged user code can shut down the LAVC port.
>      4. Exceeded Quota error and BYTLM Quota Exhausted.
>      5. Fixed hang when exiting promiscuous mode on VAX 4000 (EZDRIVER).

I dunno about you, but whenever _I_ hang my lance after receiving certain
messages, then having my port shut down by a non-priveledged user, I get
exhausted too (but only in promiscuous mode, of course!)

 Article:      427   Database: COMM
 Identifier:   00954B86-FB175940-1C0096
 Title:        [DECnet-VAX] General Fix Kit for Ethernet Drivers, VMS V5.4-
 Author:       157701  DAVE MCADOO                        3-JUN-1992
 Enter:        070906  ROB SAUNDERS                      16-JAN-1992
 Modify:       157701  DAVE MCADOO                       10-AUG-1992
 Edit Review:  070906  ROB SAUNDERS                      22-JUL-1992
 Tech Review:  157701  DAVE MCADOO                        2-JUL-1992
 Expiration:   10-AUG-1993                        Flash: (no date)  
 Geography:    USA        Site: EIRS       Owner: N&SS           
 Message:                                                                                      
 Flags:            Edit. Review        USA Cust. Read.      Field Readable
                   Tech. Review        EUR Cust. Read.  Not Disp. Msg. Before
               Not Ready               GIA Cust. Read.  Not Disp. Msg. After
               Not Local           Not Cust. Flash
 Sys. Create:  EIRS_DBA      16-JAN-1992 12:25:07.44
 Sys. Modify:  EIRS          10-AUG-1992 17:41:52.11  Count: 18
 Last Access:  21-SEP-1992 13:49:20.97  Last Clear: 10-AUG-1992 17:41:52.11
 Accesses:     Lifetime: 467   Current: 113


COPYRIGHT (c) 1988, 1989, 1990 by Digital Equipment Corporation.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No distribution except as provided under contract.

PRODUCT:   DECnet-VAX                           OP/SYS:  VMS
COMPONENT: Ethernet Drivers

LAST TECHNICAL REVIEW:  06-AUG-1992

SOURCE:  Customer Support Center / USA


PATCH INFORMATION:

     This article describes CSCPAT_0552013, also known as:
     CSCPAT_0552, 0552, 552, #0552, and #552.


VERSION INFORMATION:

     Symptom(s) Identified On: VMS Versions V5.4-3, V5.5, V5.5-1


PATCH INFORMATION:

    This articles describes CSCPAT_0552013, also known as:
    CSCPAT_0552, 0552, 552, #0552, and #552.

VERSION INFORMATION:

    Version(s) Patch Applies To:  DECnet-VAX, Versions V5.4-3 through V5.5-1


SUMMARY:

General fixes for VMS Ethernet drivers, CSCPAT #552 V1.3.

The affected drivers include: ESdriver, ETdriver, EXdriver, EZdriver, 
FXdriver, XEdriver, and XQdriver.

\ CSCPAT_0552013 (06-AUG--1992):
\   A new EZDRIVER.EXE dated 10-JUL-1992 was added that corrects a problem
\   when the controller is placed into promiscuous mode.
\ CSCPAT_0552012 (28-MAY-1992):
\   This kit was created 28-MAY-1992 and replaces V1.0 of this patch kit.
\   It includes all previous fixes plus fixes for EXDRIVER and FXDRIVER.
\ CSCPAT_0552011 (Date N/A):
\   This was placed on Engineering hold and, as far as I know, was never
\   released.
\ CSCPAT_0552010 (18-JAN-1992):
\   New kit to include ALL Ethernet drivers.  Supercedes CSCPAT_0543, which 
\   only corrected a problem in ETDRIVER.
\
\ *** NOTE: This kit also supersedes CSCPAT_0543, which corrected ETDRIVER for
\           V5.4-3 systems to correct system halts/reboots and allow DEBNAS
\           to receive broadcast messages (all FFs).
\           CSCPAT_0543 has been retired, use CSCPAT_0552 instead.


DESCRIPTION:

   Problems fixed:

      1. System halts and re-boots after receiving certain 802 format
         message(s).
      2. MV3100/Ethernet LANCE chip system hang (ESDRIVER).
      3. Non-privileged user code can shut down the LAVC port.
      4. Exceeded Quota error and BYTLM Quota Exhausted.
      5. Fixed hang when exiting promiscuous mode on VAX 4000 (EZDRIVER).


DIGITAL RESPONSE:

These problems have been acknowledged by VMS Engineering and are included 
in VMS V5.5-2.
\ This is per Susie Arnold via Tom Collins of VMS Engineering.
 

WORKAROUND:

New images correcting these problems are currently available for VMS Versions 
V5.4-3 through V5.5-1. This patch kit should only be installed at your site if
you are experiencing any of the symptoms described above. 


HOW TO OBTAIN THIS PATCH:

U.S. customers may retrieve this patch kit directly by using the DSNlink for
VMS VTX Patch Application. When prompted to enter a 'search string', use the 
keyword 'Ethernet' to find the patch entitled:

    General Fix Kit for Ethernet Drivers,
    VMS V5.4-3 thru V5.5-1 #552 V1.3

For information on how to use this application, refer to another article in 
the DSNLINK Text Search Database entitled: 

    How To Downline Load Patches From DSNlink VTX

If you do not have the 'DSNlink for VMS' product installed on your system, or 
have questions about it, you can contact the U.S. DSNlink Support Team at 
1-800-332-8014.  Otherwise, you should contact your local office or your local 
Digital Customer Support Center. 


PRE-INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:

    Before proceeding with this installation, please save a copy of the 
    original file(s)/image(s) in case you wish to restore your system to
    its original configuration prior to installing this ECO.  For example:

       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:ESDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:ESDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:ETDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:ETDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:EXDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:EXDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:EZDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:EZDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:FXDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:FXDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:XEDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:XEDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552
       $ COPY SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:XQDRIVER.EXE 
            SYS$LOADABLE_IMAGES:XQDRIVER.EXE_PRE_CSCPAT_0552

INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:

    Install this patch with the VMSINSTAL utility by logging into the 
    SYSTEM account, and entering the following command at the dollar prompt: 

       @SYS$UPDATE:VMSINSTAL CSCPAT_0552 load-device: OPTIONS N

    The saveset location may be a tape drive, or a disk directory that contains
    the patch kit saveset. 

    This installation does NOT purge any modified files.

POST-INSTALLATION INSTRUCTIONS:

    In order for the corrections to take effect the system must be
    rebooted.  If you are a member of a VAXcluster, the entire
    cluster should be rebooted.  You may postpone rebooting if it is 
    not convenient for you to do so now; however the new driver(s) will 
    not take effect until after a reboot.

    This installation does NOT purge any new and modified files, thus
    you should save copies of the original files.  Please restore
    these saved copies before performing subsequent VMS upgrades.


\ INTERNAL PATCH INFORMATION:
\
\ There is a new image available through the CSCPAT Utility
\ to correct this problem.  For more information on this tool, please
\ refer to the following STARS article entitled: 
\
\   The CSCPAT Utility - What It Is And How To Use It - V5_VMS Database
\ 
\ NOTE:  This new image is not currently available through
\        the DSNlink VTX Patch Application.  For more information on
\        how to downline load this image to a customer's system,
\        please see Procedures #2 and #3 in the above mentioned article. 
\
\ PATCH POLICY STATEMENT:
\
\ This patch should ONLY be used as part of a solution to a specific 
\ problem and not as a troubleshooting method, e.g., for 'quick fix 
\ tries' at a customer site.
\
\   NOTE FOR US CSC SPECIALISTS:  Customers may be transferred directly
\                                 to the DSNlink Support Group via x24317.
\
\ PATCHED IMAGE IDENTIFICATIONS::
\
\       File Name: ESDRIVER.EXE_V543-01-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "ESDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-15"
\               link date/time:  1-MAY-1992 12:06:37.72
\               linker identification: "05-05"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: ESDRIVER.EXE_V551-11-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "ESDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-16"
\               link date/time: 11-MAY-1992 10:44:40.53
\               linker identification: "05-09"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: ETDRIVER.EXE_V543-01-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "ETDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-5"
\               link date/time:  1-MAY-1992 12:07:29.61
\               linker identification: "05-05"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: ETDRIVER.EXE_V551-11-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "ETDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-5"
\               link date/time: 11-MAY-1992 10:45:15.62
\               linker identification: "05-09"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: EXDRIVER.EXE_V543-01-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "EXDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-8"
\               link date/time:  1-MAY-1992 12:08:11.48
\               linker identification: "05-05"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: EXDRIVER.EXE_V551-11-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "EXDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-8"
\               link date/time: 11-MAY-1992 10:45:33.10
\               linker identification: "05-09"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: EZDRIVER.EXE_V543-10-JUL-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "EZDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-8F1"
\               link date/time: 10-JUL-1992 12:26:20.71
\               linker identification: "05-05"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: EZDRIVER.EXE_V551-10-JUL-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "EZDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-9F2"
\               link date/time: 10-JUL-1992 12:28:47.77
\               linker identification: "05-09"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: FXDRIVER.EXE_V543-01-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "FXDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-16"
\               link date/time:  1-MAY-1992 12:07:51.94
\               linker identification: "05-05"
\ 
\       Patch Information
\ 
\               There are no patches at this time.
\ 
\       File Name: FXDRIVER.EXE_V551-11-MAY-1992;1
\       Image Identification Information
\ 
\               image name: "FXDRIVER"
\               image file identification: "X-16"
\               link date/time: 11-MAY-1992 10:48:25.06
\               linker identification: "05-09"
\ 
\       Patch Information
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    I didn't type this -- I lost the original header.
    
    Jamie
    
Reprinted without permission from p.29 of "The Late Night With David Letterman
Book of Top Ten Lists":
 
---
TOP TEN EXPRESSIONS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT REALLY AREN'T
 
10. Frosting the Pastry
 9. Shooting Hoops
 8. Jumping the Turnstile
 7. Checking You Oil
 6. Tethering the Blimp
 5. Sending Out for Sushi
 4. Picnic on the Grass
 3. Quarter-Pounder at the Golden Arches
 2. Shaking Hands with Abraham Lincoln
 1. Wind-Surfing on Mount Baldy

> 2. Shaking Hands with Abraham Lincoln

HA HA HA HA ... I'm dyin'!

:^)

    re .478
    
    Every now and then you see a technical memo that is unintentionally
    funny. My favourite wasa Blitz a year or two back about problems with
    optical disk platters. The symptom to look for was
    
               an unbalanced waveform from the wobble pits
    
    I used that as a personal mail name for a while.
    
    gary

    		re last couple 
    
    		And then there's the one about proper care  
    		of mouse balls...
    
    		-helen

AHA!!!

	At _least_ two other people thought that was funny, too. 

So, Jamie, I'm not going nuts!

%-}

    re .-1
    
    Hey, if you could _only_ find two other techno-dweebs* in this company
    who thought it was funny then it ain't.  :-)
    
    I'll try to re-read it, I couldn't make it to the end the first time. 
    Is there a punchline there?
    
    Jamie
    
    * follow-ups to the "Thought's On 'It's A Joke'" note.  Remember the PC
    comedy rules: Jews can tell Jew jokes, blacks can tell black jokes, and
    white guys can tell "didja ever wonder where all those missing socks
    end up?" jokes.  :-)

{headers removed}

  What do The Wizard of Oz and the presidential candidates have in common?


  Bush wants a heart, Quayle wants a brain, Perot wants courage,
and Clinton wants to take Dorothy home.

    :-)

    [many, many headers removed]
    
    This article appeared in today's (9/92) Austin American-Stateman.

     by RUDYARD HENBANE
     Associated Press Writer

    PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) -- Outside a small Macedonian village close to
    the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic
    nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent.  She is the last
    caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning
    more than 2,000 years.
   
    When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the
    convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of
    Macedonia.
   
    However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys
    excellent health.

    By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the
    convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun.  In
    more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied
    the hilltop site.  Historians say that Attila took over the old temple
    in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.

    The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large
    gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.

    It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and
    had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.  Scholars
    differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed--either because he
    was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided
    evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own
    notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.

    When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the
    convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros
    destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost.  Today, there is
    only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

    And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on
    base.

   The author of this magnificent abomination is Ron Gibson, editorial
   manager of Texas Student Publications at the University of Texas.  It
   appeared in Mike Kelley's column, to Mike's large credit.

         <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
================================================================================
Note 702.0                        Male Bonding                        No replies
CIMNET::RENNIE                                      105 lines  13-OCT-1991 11:03
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                     MALE BONDING, HO!  THAT'S RITE!

             by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
          copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, October 13, 1991


        I got to thinking about the Men's Movement recently when our
    bathroom ceiling collapsed.

        Maybe you've heard about the Men's Movement. It consists of
    men who feel they've lost  touch with their fundamental masculini-
    ty because of the restrictive pressures of the modern world, with 
    its industrialization, neckties, fireworks regulations, etc.  So
    these men are forming groups that only men can belong to, similar
    to the US Senate, except that they engage in virile ritualistic
    male-bonding behavior such as shouting and roaring and hugging and
    pounding on drums.  I'm not making this movement up.  It was on
    the cover of Newsweek, so you know it's not just a passing fad. 
    It's a fad that will probably be around for months.

        The movement first caught on in (surprise!) California, but
    has spread widely.  I have here a newspaper article, clipped from
    the Indianapolis Star by alert readers Judy Voynow and Glenn Wood-
    ruff, concerning a gathering of a group called the Indiana Men's
    Council.  The article, written by Joseph T. Hallinan, states that,
    before the group members started drumming, they formed a circle, 
    and each man introduced himself by giving his name and the names of 
    his father and paternal grandfather, as in: "I am Bob, the son of 
    Fred, the son of Norbert."  After each man spoke, the other men 
    shouted "Ho!"

        Here's my favorite section of the article:

        "Sunday's gathering was the first time that women had been
    allowed to attend a meeting of the Men's Council.  The women stood
    in the circle, with their men, and when it came their turn they,
    too, were asked to cite their male lineage.

        "After the first woman did so, the men around her shouted,
    'Ho!'"

        She looked taken aback by the response, and then one of the
    men expalined they were not calling he a 'ho,' that it was just
    something they said."

        Maybe the men should yell something less ambiguous, such as
    "Roger!" or "Nice set of paternal names!"  But I think the Men's
    Movement is a fine idea.  I'm definitely out of touch with my own
    masculinity, a fact that was driven home when our bathroom ceiling
    collapsed.  This, of course, happened at 1 o'clock on a Sunday
    morning, which is when, as you homeowners know, the House Destruc-
    tion Satellite, orbiting high above the Earth, beams down its
    powerful Decay Ray.  We heard a loud crash, and we went into the
    bathroom, and the ceiling was lying on the floor in a sodden mass,
    with water pouring down on it from somewhere in the attic.

        "Ho!" I said, drawing on three years of junior-high-school
    Industrial Arts training.  "Something is wrong!"

        A virile man would have known how to fix it.  But I am totally
    out of touch with my masculine nature, so all I could do was call
    a plumber.  He went into the attic and, following his natural
    masculine instinct, knew immediately what to do:  call for more
    plumbers.  Soon there was a whole tribal gathering up there,
    virile men who were not afraid to crawl around the attic and
    confront naked plumbing and shout and roar and pound on things. 
    They might also have been hugging.  I stayed downstairs, making
    coffee and keeping the checkbook warm.

        The problem turned out to be the hot-water heater, which the
    previous owner, apparently as a prank, had located over the
    ceiling, so that it could do the maximum possible amount of damage
    when it leaked.  The plumbers wanted to put the new heater in a
    downstairs closet.

        Here's what the virile man would have said:  "OK."

        Here's what I said:  "I'll ask my wife."

        My wife said no.  My wife is completely in touch with her
    basic feminity, and she is not about to give up something
    precious, something that women have struggled for centuries to
    obtain, something that they value more than life itself: storage
    space.

        You want to know why, 20,000 years ago, nomadic Asian peoples
    made the brutal, dangerous trek across vast expanses of barren
    wasteland to come to North America?  Because nomadic women heard 
    that there were caves here with plenty of room for kitchen implements. 
    Archeologists are still finding ancient stored pots.

        So anyway, the plumbing tribe, roaring and pounding, put the
    new heater up in our attic, right next to the old one.  Soon the
    two heaters will start bonding, with the old one passing along
    ancient water-heater lore and wisdom ("Sunday at 1 a.m., that's
    the time").  And one night we'll hear two distinct metallic voices
    shouting "Ho!," and the bathroom ceiling will collapse again.  And
    the whoe ritual will be repeated.

        But this time I will have a meaningful role.  This time I will
    have my son stand with me, and, as an older masculine man, I will
    pass along to him the manly virile wisdom that I have accumulated.

        "Son," I will say. "For each cup, you use one level scoop of
    coffee."

    
    Thanks, Fog!  I haven't read a Dave Barry article in a while and that
    one was hysterical.  :-)
    
    Imagine.. I used to have time to read the Dave Barry *notesfile*.  Oh
    well..
    
    

    I think Dave Barry is tuned into some mystical knowledge.  Reading this 
    caused me to remember the time our bathroom ceiling collapsed.  This
    was while living back in Albany as a student.  It was during spring
    break and though we had split for home, there was a Gentle Giant/
    Renaissance concert at the Palace Theatre downtown, so we headed
    back a bit early.  There were several of us going, and one group
    was a bit late, and missed the first act.  But they bought some
    triangle type thingies for us to enhance our mood for the 2nd
    act.  Had a great time overall and then headed back up to our
    apartment in fine shape and in a very wet snowstorm (peaking through
    the bottom of the windshield, as it kept covering up pretty 
    quick and the wiper blades were shot ;-)  Well, to make a long
    story short, we had several hours of fun time after the show
    relaxing and unwinding.  But at one point (and it may have been
    about one AM on a Sunday morning!) my friend Frank was walking 
    down the hallway between the kitchen and the living room.  Just as
    he was at the bathroom door, with a loud crash, the ceiling
    collapsed onto the toilet!  In the condition we were in, we collaped
    into giggles, and cleaned up mostly by throwing the sodden mass out
    the bathroom window.  And FranK?  Well, he spent much of the rest
    of the evening hiding in his closet.  ;-)   Ah, school days.....
    
    
    PeterT
    

    
>    Imagine.. I used to have time to read the Dave Barry *notesfile*.  Oh


Me too. fwiw, that article was forwarded to me by my wife, who pulled out of 
the Holistic notefile, to which it was cross posted.  :-)
    
RE: Rennaissance/Gentle Giant.  Ha! I saw a show on that toor. Don;t think I've 
played either of any of those albums in my collection since 1974...

    Header removed, I didn't type this so don't send the NBC goon squad my
    way.  I missed the censored #8 when I watched it, I guess they left one
    frame in with the original #8.
    
    Jamie
 
Here is the list, with the CENSORED #8...
 
 TOP TEN COMPLAINTS SINEAD O'CONNOR HAS ABOUT THE POPE
-------------------------------------------------------
 
 10. They screwed up her vinyl roof at the Vatican Car Wash
  9. He's never around when she needs help picking lotto numbers
* 8. He snubbed her at the Grammy Awards *  (WEASLES!!!)
  7. He's always telling people he got that big ring from winning 
       the superbowl in 1986
  6. He doesn't let anyone else drive the Pope-mobile
  5. He improperly uses piety to get hefty discounts at the gap
  4. At the movies he won't remove his eight foot hat
  3. The way he's always entering and then quitting the presidential race
  2. The time he said, "I don't date, but if I did I wouldn't date no 
       bald chick!"
 
 And the number one complaint Sinead O'Connor has about the Pope:
 
  1. He never picks up a check
 
And NOW...  The line those *MORONS* at NBC couldn't handle:
 .
   .
     .
       .
----------------------------------
 8. HIS HOLIER-THAN-THOU ATTITUDE
----------------------------------
 

<Forwards deleted>


PENCILS UP, YOU MAY BEGIN

Joel McNally, the Innocent Bystander -- The Milwaukee Journal 10/1/92

A midterm campaign examination on everything we have learned so far:

1. Which promise on taxes by George Bush do you find more persuasive?

   a.  His 1988 pledge:  "Read my lips.  No new taxes."
   b.  His new, improved 1992 pledge: "I am not going to do it again.
	Ever, ever."

2. Which action by a college student do you consider more important in
   determining how you will vote in 1992?

   a.  What Bill Clinton did to avoid getting drafted to fight in a
       war he opposed.
   b.  What Dan Quayle did to avoid getting drafted to fight in a war
       he supported.

3. In the Great Owl Debate of "jobs vs. environment" posed by the
   Bush campaign, which would you be more upset to wake up 
   tomorrow morning and find was gone?

   a.  Your job.
   b.  Your planet.

4. Which of the following would you be willing to bet your next
   paycheck that the vice president of the United States could 
   spell correctly?

   a.  Anti-disestablishmentarianism
   b.  Potato
   c.  Cat

5. What is your favorite family value?

   a.  The right to choose whether to have a family.
   b.  The right to enjoy "Murphy Brown."
   c.  The Grand Slam Special at Denny's

6. Which candidate has the most appeal among young voters?

   a.  Clinton, because he plays that hip musical instrument, 
       the saxophone.
   b.  Bush, because he talks in rap.
   c.  Al Gore, because he looks like Superman.
   d.  Quayle, because he looks like Jimmy Olsen.
   e.  Ross Perot, because he's an elf.

7. Bush says the election is about trust.  Which of the following
   would you trust Bush to do if elected to a second term?

   a.  Never to raise taxes again.  Ever.  Ever.
   b.  To select only the best-qualified Americans for important 
       jobs such as the vice presidency and the US Supreme Court.
   c.  Not to throw up on heads of state while visiting other
       nations.

8. During the sale of US missiles to Iran, the late Ronald Reagan 
   was napping through the presidency and Vice President Bush was 
   "out of the loop."  Write down your best guess as to who was 
   running the United States.

9. What is your primary concern about the US economy?

   a.  How to spend the big bonanza if Bush finally succeeds 
       in cutting capital gains taxes.
   b.  Whether US jobs are on a fast track or a slow track to 
       Mexico.
   c.  That there be one again.

10. What about Bush reminds you most of Harry Truman?

   a.  Nobody thinks he's going to win.
   b.  He likes to fish and recently rode on a train.
   c.  He's a dead man.

Subj:	today's Dave Barry


October 12th
------------
USER - the word that computer professionals use when they mean "idiot".

>>Joel McNally, the Innocent Bystander -- The Milwaukee Journal 10/1/92

>>8. During the sale of US missiles to Iran, the late Ronald Reagan 

Huh,  did I miss  Ronald's obit?  

bob

MIKE ROYKO  [If I were on the panel...]

	A number of major news organizations refuse to let their reporters be
on the panel of questioners at presidential debates. They consider the
debates staged political events and say it would be unethical for them
to take part.
	But I don't have any such qualms. I won't be asked, but just in case,
I have prepared my list of questions for President Bush, Gov. Bill
Clinton and Ross Perot. They cover, I believe, most of the major issues
of this campaign.
	President Bush, you say you were not part of ``the loop'' in the
Iran-contra arms deal. Doesn't that make you feel silly? I mean, there
you were, the Vice President of the United States, the second-biggest
enchilada, and they didn't even tell you what was going on? What was the
deal -- did they think you'd blab? And would you have blabbed? You want
to blab now?
	Gov. Clinton, you attended Oxford University in England and Yale Law
School in the Ivy League, two of the finest institutions of learning in
the world. So how come you still talk like a hillbilly?
	Mr. Perot, this question concerns the relationship between one's
height and how one uses power. Have you noticed that Napoleon, Attila
the Hun and you are all short guys, and would you care to comment on
that?
	President Bush, did Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa of Japan ever send
you the dry-cleaning bill after you threw up on his trousers, and did
you pay it?
	Gov. Clinton, is your choice of jogging attire an indication that you
are seeking the nerd vote?
	Mr. Perot, you made most of your billions in the computer industry.
Could you tell the American people what the heck they should do when
their PC sends the message, ``Abort, Retry, Fail''?
	President Bush, you are, in all likelihood, the last American
president who will have grown up during the Great Depression. Would you
care to share with those younger Americans, who are now suffering
through hard times, your memories of what it was like to look upon a
depressed nation through the window of the family limo that was driving
you to your prep school?
	Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife
was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with
millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out
of that pickle?
	Mr. Perot, as a successful businessman, don't you think it would be a
more prudent use of your resources to go find a small, undeveloped
country, buy the whole thing and declare yourself king?
	President Bush, you live in the White House, you own a huge home on
the coast of Maine, but you insist on voting in Texas and claiming to be
a Texan. Are you ashamed of being a natural-born Eastern elitist?
	Gov. Clinton, you have said that if you are elected president, you
will continue to make bus tours around the United States to stay in
touch with grass-roots Americans. Do you promise to do it only on
weekends so you don't screw up rush-hour traffic?
	Mr. Perot, from where we're sitting, we can't see -- are you standing
on a phone book?
	President Bush, when that reporter asked you about reports that you
were once lovey-dovey with a female aide, you really got indignant and
mad. Why did you get mad? I mean, come on, you're a successful, healthy,
normal, tall, good-looking guy, with a full head of hair, and, hey,
stuff happens, right?
	Gov. Clinton, President Carter called himself Jimmy. You call
yourself Bill. Don't any of you Southerners have real grown-up names?
	Mr. Perot, after this election is over, and assuming you do not win,
if Larry King has to make a choice between having you on his show or Zsa
Zsa Gabor, what do you think your chances will be, and do you want to
make a bet?
	President Bush, during his two terms in the White House, Ronald
Reagan frequently took naps, dozed off during meetings and took kind of
a laid-back approach to governing our nation. And he was one of the most
popular presidents of modern times. In contrast, you are always wide
awake, on the go, jetting from one place to another, frantically
flailing at golf balls and speeding off in golf carts, or zipping around
in a boat in pursuit of fish, yet your popularity is low. So if you had
it all to do over again, would you have popped a few Valiums?
	Gov. Clinton, after the election is over, win or lose, are you going
to finally inhale?
	Mr. Perot, or are those two phone books?
	
	(C) 1992 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.




 

    re .496
    
    (set voice=foghorn leghorn)
    
    "it's a joke son"...  :^)
    
    				da ve

(lifted from ::SPORTS)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FOUNTAINS OF WISDOM
by Barry Tarshis
copied w/o permission from the NY Times, Monday 8/31/92, p.A15

Imagine that a network morning show has assembled six political
heavyweights for a call-in show.  A teacher phones to report that during
a recent class tour of the White House, a student wanted a drink of
water, only to discover that the fountain was out of order.  The teacher
asks the panel what message a broken fountain at the White House sends
to the young people of America.  Let's listen to the answers.

Ross Perot: The question here is simple: how do we fix it.  I say, let's
bring together the finest plumbing talent in America -- from outside the
system.  Let them look at the fountain.  Turn it on.  Turn it off.
Measure the flow in it.  That sort of thing.  And you can be sure, the
next time you take a White House tour, you're going to drink from a
world-class fountain.

Jesse Jackson: Let us not talk about this broken water fountain.  Let us
talk about the thousands of broken water fountains across America.  For
they, too, are broken, like the broken dreams of America's forgotten
children.  And whether you are black, white, brown or yellow, you cannot
use them.  Why?  Because the Republican Party is more interested in
_Perrier_ water and _Pellegrino_ water than it is in _public_ water.

Al Gore: I love my country.  And I love water.  And I love the children
who drink from the water fountains in the country I love, and that my
father loves.  And I believe in my heart that the time has come, now
more than ever, for all of us to be inspired by the young people of
America whose dreams for the future depend on our ability as a nation to
provide them with the water that is the essence of their survival.

Dan Quayle: I am very, very sympathetic to the disappointment young
people in America feel when they go to a water fountain in the single
most important building in America and cannot drink from it.  Because I,
too, would be very, very disappointed if I were to go to get a drink
from a water fountain and discover that, because of the Democrats, the
water does not come up.  Water is a terrible thing to waste, when there
is thirst but no water, that is a terrible thing.

Bill Clinton: I grew up in a home where public water fountains were very
important to me and to my family.  And I have put forward a plan similar
to the plan I introduced to Arkansas.  This plan is good for America. It
takes the $4.25 million savings we ralize when we eliminate the 10
percent reduction on the capital gains that exceed $30,000 in any given
one-year period for Americans under the age of 31 who graduated before
1984, and it allocates 18.5 percent of that sum to paying for 80 percent
of the new fountain construction.

George Bush: O.K.  Sure.  Fine.  There's something wrong with a water
fountain in the White House?  Not denying it.  Have to be a fool to deny
it.  But make no mistake about it.  There is a lot that is _right_ with
it, too.  And that's one thing I want to focus on, you see, not what's
bad about the water fountains in America by what's _good_ about them.
And with the help of the American people and a Republican Congress I can
work with, I can make the water flow again in the water fountains of
America.

 Jum would quote Paul Harvey and say "Recessions reteach resourcefulness" and
 tell the kid to bring his own damned water..this is the White House, not a
 refreshment stand.  :-)





 Jum Hendushintongore

[headers removed]

Subj:	If you are concerned about not getting enough exercise,read this!


A recent medical association report stated that "proper weight control and 
physical fitness cannot be attained by diet alone. Many people who are engaged 
in Sedentary occupations do not realize that calories can be burned by the 
hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical 
exercise."

Here is a guide to calorie-burning activities that can be conducted right in 
your workplace, as well as the number of calories per hour they consume:

 Beating around the bush ............................................60
 Jumping to conclusions...............................................75
 Climbing the walls........................................................150
 Swallowing your pride................................................. 20
*Passing the buck...........................................................50
 Throwing your weight around..........................100-400
 Pushing your luck........................................................100
*Making mountains out of molehills........................600
 Wading through paperwork.....................................100
 Juggling deadlines.....................................................120
 Balancing the books................................................... 60
*Running around in circles.........................................250
 Bending over backwards...........................................50
*Opening a can of worms.............................................60
*Reinventing the wheel...............................................150

	*We Deccies are especially good at these!

    I hear Pee Wee has opened his own Dry Cleaners......its called.....
    
    Drop the Pants and Jacket Off Dry Cleaners

    A Buddhist monk was walking through the mall one day when he passed
    a man selling hot dogs from a pushcart.  After a few steps, the monk
    stopped, paused for a few minutes in thought, and went back to the 
    cart.  "What would you like?" asked the vendor.  The monk replied,
    "Make me one with everything."

I heard some people talking the other day and they were saying that pee Wee 
herman should be Perot's vice presidential running mate.  the reason they 
gave was...


He can handle himself in public:-)

    Aw Geoff!! :-)

    	RE: .503
    
    	Does that mean the Buddha's a wiener?

    perhaps . . .
    
    He has got big buns.
    
    Lorax

    re: the monk joke
    
    please explain this to me or it will bother me the rest of the
    day
    
    - mr. stupid

re:              <<< Note 104.508 by DEMING::CLARK "I Was Warned" >>>

>    please explain this to me or it will bother me the rest of the
>    day
    
	My cut is that: a basis tenant of Buddhism is *being* one with 
	everything, part of the _whole_, which is everything, letting go
	of your ego.   No self, just part of all that is.

	So, ordering with "make me one with everything" (a hot dog with 
	all condiment;-) is sort of a play on the words/beliefs/goals
	of buddhism.

	Ken

    Dear Mr. Stupid-
    
    First off, you're not stupid.
    
    Secondly, one of the objectives of Buddhist monks is a desire to reach
    Nirvana (and I don't mean hangin' in Seattle grunge bars), to become 
    enlightened (like the Buddha himself was), to become ONE with
    everything.
    
    So, I guess this guy was lookin' for a shortcut.
    
    Peace,
    Lorax

    oh.

    oops, Ken beat me to it . . .

Top Ten conversational icebreakers for cross-country bus passengers:
 
Heeeeere we go ...
   10. "If the cops search the bus, I'm your brother Eddie.  Okay?"
    9. "The sign says `no spitting', but they never enforce it."
    8. "Where's the stewardess?"
    7. "I bet you're wondering: if I'm sitting back here, then
       who's driving the bus?"
    6. "Hello, my name is Bill Clinton."
    5. "I've got bus rash!"
    4. "Hey, fatty, off my leg!"
    3. "Ever hear of the olympic triplecast?  That was my idea."
    2. "I'd like to have sex with you and I don't want to pay for it."
 
.... and the number one conversational icebreaker for cross-country
bus passengers is ...

 
    1. "May I call you `Mommy'?"

    :-)

re: .-2

and the one that didn't quite make it...



"Look out!  It's Ben Vereen!"

	
	HOLLYWOOD (UPI) -- Pat Paulsen, in his third bid for the U.S.
presidency, reluctantly conceded this week chances are bleak he will be
occupying the White House for the next four years.
	A tireless campaigner who found himself on the ballot in four states
this year -- New Hampshire, where he garnered a paltry 700 votes,
Louisiana (1,500), Kansas (5,000) and North Dakota (4,000) -- comedian
Paulsen said his financial war chest was empty.
	He fought to get his name on the California ballot but was foiled by
a magistrate who said his campaign was frivolous.
	A disappointed Paulsen took issue.
	``He thought it was odd that I promised if I were elected I would
attack Canada for stealing two of our baseball teams,'' the aggrieved
candidate said. ``If we get in a war with Canada we'd be in the same
time zone. We wouldn't have to stay up late watching CNN war news.
	``I suppose the judge also objected to my promise to lower the
unemployment rate by getting myself a job -- as president.''
	Having lunch in a restaurant by Universal Studios, Paulsen was
appropriately dressed in a red, white and blue jogging outfit trimmed,
also appropriately, in black to match his gloom.
	The long-faced, sorrowful Paulsen first announced his candidacy for
the nation's top job when he was resident joker on the 1967 ``Smothers
Brothers Show.'' He ran against Richard Nixon and Hubert Humphrey.
	``I lied about my intention to run back then,'' he said. ``I was
evasive on the issues, and I made promises I couldn't keep. Nothing has
changed. Candidates are doing the same thing this year. I must be
honest, I'm in this for the money. I think that makes me a true
American, a bottom-line guy.''
	Paulsen takes no pride in the fact that he is challenging Republican
Harold Stassen and Democrat William Jennings Bryan for the title of all-
time loser among presidential aspirants.
	However, Paulsen did detect a ray of light in his Pyrrhic victory
over candidate Ross Perot in the North Dakota primary where he amassed 9
percent of the vote, second only to President Bush.
	``With my good showing in North Dakota, I won l.53 delegates from
that state for the Republican convention,'' he said. ``But the Grand Old
Party changed the GOP to stand for Get Out Paulsen and refused to give
me my 1.53 delegates. I took 'em to court and lost.''
	Paulsen apparently has little respect for the other candidates in
this election, although he's not altogether hostile.
	All the same, there is a suggestion of umbrage in his summation of
his adversaries.
	He says of Bill Clinton: ``If he is elected president, I hope the
economy stays on its feet longer than he does.''
	George Bush: ``One thing about voting for Bush is he's well-rested;
he just came off a four-year vacation.''
	Ross Perot: ``After being trounced by me, I can't believe he had the
nerve to get back in the race.''
	Paulsen, still loosing barbs at the opposition, will appear on The
Movie Channel's ``Joe Bob Briggs' Drive-In Theater'' Oct. 31 to hype his
sagging campaign.
	In addition to interviewing the candidate, Briggs, a yokel guru of
trashy movies, will show Paulsen's movie, ``Night Patrol.'' Paulsen
fears his performance in the 1985 film may harm rather than help his
campaign.
	``I got more votes in the primaries this year than ever before,'' he
said. ``But it's tough to get on the ballots. Can you imagine California
officials saying I wasn't a serious candidate. This is the state that
elected Jerry Brown twice -- and they say I'm not serious.
	``Well, I'm tuning up my campaign for 1996. The buttons already are
being made.They say, 'Don't blame me. I voted for Paulsen.' We hope to
make some money off them, which I'll need for the '96 fight.
	``I try to avoid fence-sitting. When people ask me about my stand on
pro-choice, I say yes and no. Who do I think will win the election? Bush
or Clinton. Stuff like that.
	``Of course, there's the question of family values. The media always
talks about presidential candidates' extra-marital affairs. It will get
to a point where only mediocre people run for office.
	``Does that mean mediocre people don't have affairs? I can tell you
unequivocally that mediocre people have affairs too. Maybe not great
ones, but we have 'em.
	``Better not print that. My wife Noma (cq) may object.
	``There was a lady in Colorado who I had a brush with. I took her to
court and won the case. She still owes me $189,000, but you don't want
to hear the details.
	``Let me just close with this thought. The United States is a great
country,it's just that as people most of us stink.''

Pat Paulsen, Republican?!?  Geez, I woulda pegged him for a Democrat.

I'm still waiting for JoAnne Worley to run ... she'll have my vote.

From:	SPICE::DECWRL::"rita@eff.org" "Rita Marie Rouvalis  09-Nov-1992 1230"  9-NOV-1992 12:29:33.79
To:	eff-news@eff.org (eff-news mailing list)
CC:	
Subj:	EFFector Online 3.09


########## ########## ########## |            COMPUTER SPIES
########## ########## ########## |          by Mitchell Kapor
####       ####       ####       | 
########   ########   ########   |BUILDING BLOCKS AS STUMBLING BLOCKS
########   ########   ########   |   A Commentary on the 15th NCSC
####       ####       ####       |     by Rebecca Mercuri 
########## ####       ####       |
########## ####       ####       |         THIS OLD DOS
=====================================================================
EFFector Online           November 9, 1992                Issue  3.09
           A Publication of the Electronic Frontier Foundation
                            ISSN 1062-9424
=====================================================================

[Two articles deleted here]

                   -==--==--==-<>-==--==--==-


                         THIS OLD DOS


Hi, I'm Bob Wheeler Dealer, and welcome to This Old DOS.  Last week you 
may remember we renovated the Charles Babbage Family computer.  We 
upgraded their antique CPM to the IBM operating system known as MS DOS.  
And this week on This Old DOS, we're continuing our renovation by 
installing a brand new operating system, supposed to be real easy to 
use, called Windows.  And boy am I excited.  So let's go around back and 
see how Norm is doing with it.

Bob:  Hi Norm; how's it going?

Norm: Oh, hi Bob.  Well as you can see I'm about to install Windows on 
our old machine.

Bob: No glass in these Windows, huh Norm? Ha ha.

Norm: Ha ha. That's right, just a handful of floppy disks.  This is an 
attempt at making an IBM PC work *a little bit more* like an Apple 
Macintosh.  Instead of typing commands, you just move a lot of little 
pictures around on a screen.

Bob: I can't wait.  Sounds simple enough; let's take a whack at it.

Norm: Well, ok, the first thing we do is install these disks.  Pop them 
in the computer and follow the uh directions on the screen.  Here you 
try (sound of hard drive grinding).  That's it.

Bob: Simple enough.

Norm: Ok, Bob, now the machine wants to know if you want to modify your 
config.sys or change your autoexec.bat to automatically load when the 
machines boots up.  What do you want to do?

Bob: What's a config.sys? I don't anything about this stuff.

Norm: Never mind, it's ok Bob, I'll take care of it.  There.  Now to be 
really state of the art, we've got to upgrade our microprocessor (sound 
of sawing).  That's the computer chip inside inside so that these 
Windows will work fast enough.  Otherwise, you know, you might as well 
go out and get a cup of coffee while the screen draws pretty pictures, 
heh heh.  So let me get one of these uh 486 chips.  We've got a crane 
here.  Hey fellas.. fellas!  You wanna load that puppy here inta place?  
Careful!  (sound of machinery) Don't bend the pins!  There, all snapped 
in.

Bob: All right, now we're ready to open Windows, right?

Norm: Not on your life, Bob.  While we're at it we're building an 
extention onto the memory board for those fat, greedy programs that 
gobble the stuff up.  I'll just hammer a few of these 4 megabyte chips 
into place (bang bang). There, now we've got 16 megabytes on board.  
Narly, man!

Bob: All right, let her rip, Norm.

Norm: Not so fast, Bob!  Those big Windows programs need lots and lots 
of storage space. Charles talked to his banker and decided to spring for 
that 200 megabyte beauty there.  Hand me that..uh

Bob: You mean this thing here? (groaning and grunting)

Norm: Yeah, that's the hard drive.  Ah, thanks.  And they want to do 
multimedia.. you know sound, graphics, computer games... the latest -- 
so we'll add on a new super VGA monitor..

Bob: Something else?

Norm: A CD ROM drive..

Bob: Something else? More stuff?

Norm: Yeah, we have a sound board and special speakers if you want that 
great sound.

Bob: This .. this isn't so simple anymore!

Norm: Well,  we're just about ready to go.  That's about it.

Bob: All right now, with all this preparation Norm, this had better be 
great.

Norm: Well, I hope so, let's (sound of drive grinding) load up Word 
Perfect, Lotus 1.-2-3, Excel, and FileMaker Pro and watch her rip!  
(beep.. crash).  Oh-oh.

Bob: What happened?  What happened?

Norm: Well, it looks like a system crash.

Bob: Oh no!

Norm: Don't worry! We can fix this thing.  We can fix it.

Bob: What do we do now, give up?

Norm: No, Never! We drop everything and start over.  That's the American 
Way.  You keep changing stuff until you find what's wrong.

Bob: Now, how long is this gonna take?  I haven't got all weeks to..?

Norm:  Don't worry! We'll I'll have this thing running like top, Bob.  
In the mean time you can go back in my shop there and use my Mac.

Bob: All right, you keep working at it Norm.  We're out of time folks.  
Join us tomorrow  for the start of our new 50-part series:  "How to 
install and maintain a Local Area Network."  Until then, bye bye for 
This Old DOS!

(c) Copyright National Public Radio (R) 1992. The segment by NPR's Ira 
Plato was originally broadcast on National Public Radio's "Talk of the 
Nation" on September 11, 1992 and is used with permission of National 
Public Radio.  Any unauthorized duplication is prohibited.


                   -==--==--==-<>-==--==--==-


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{headers removed}
 
                 Top Ten Mistake's in President Bush's
                     Re-Election Campaign Strategy
                            November 5, 1992
 
        10. Ill-advised speech at every campaign stop entitled
            "Screw You and Your Miserable Little Lives"
         9. Trying to show sensitivity by open-mouth kissing
            Bob Dole
         8. Fitzwater in a miniskirt
         7. Turned off many potential voters with his naked
            interpretive dance to "Baby Ima Want You" 
         6. Scheduled Desert Storm a year too early
         5. The vomiting was funny the first time, but at the
            end of every rally, no, we got sick of it
         4. Barbara refusing to show a little more leg
         3. During final train tour, shouldn't have kept taking
            leak off back of caboose
         2. Senseless negative ads showing Dukakis shoplifting
         1. Dan Quayle is no Stockdale
 
 

[many headers removed ... ]
    
    
        There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.
There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had
been fighting over for years.  Finally, the three kings decided that
they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would
take the island.
          The night before the battle, the knights and their
squires pitched camp and redied themselves for the fight.  The first
kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were
busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.  The second
kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires.  Everyone at
that camp was also busy preparing for battle.  At the camp of the third
kingdom, there was only one knight, with his one squire.  This squire
took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree.  He
busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own
armor.  When the hour of battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight ( this was too trivial a matter for the knights to
join in ).  The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person
left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the
squires from the other kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is
equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

-------
                                              

    Re: .520
    
    ohmigawd .... that's wonderful!!!!!!!!
    
    :-)  :-)

    
    YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST POSTED A WARNING AT THE TOP!!!
    
    
    AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    
    
    :-)
    
    

    Sorry Phyllis ... just consider it a knightly dose of pun-ishment ...
    
    ... Bobbb
    

    I'm with Phyllis on this one - UGH!  That was terrible!
    
    c_i

 Yeah, me too...these mathamatical puns just add up to wasted disk space and
 create divisions in the file, which I feel would multiply if it were to 
 continue :-)






 Jum

Sheesh, Bobbb...I had the decency to spare people in here.  I did NOT
post that one when I saw it...

That was horrible...I loved it, but I wouldn't have subjected others
to it... :-)

(BTW, Bobbb, better you may be getting some "chain mail" or be
 getting "maced") :-)

Dave

    geee I wonder if that guy in north brookfield would have got that joke
    
    
    
    :-o

    >>  <<< Note 104.528 by SPICE::FIELDS "Better make it through today" >>>

    >> geee I wonder if that guy in north brookfield would have got that joke
    
    
    Maybe if he had any sort of positive personality.  
    
    Nope, guess he wouldn't.
    
    :) sparky

    There's another joke on this one that has to do with American Indian
    women, their sons, and an animal from the African plains.  I can 
    reconstruct the pun-ch line, but I forget the setup.  Anybody willing,
    or has it been posted here before? 
    
    PeterT

I bet Pythagoras would love that one.  They had knights and stuff when he was
alive, right? (spoken like a real history buff, eh?)

That's the second P. Theorem joke I've heard.  Let's not try for 3!

adam

>I bet Pythagoras would love that one.  They had knights and stuff when he was
>alive, right? (spoken like a real history buff, eh?)

Pythagorus died in 497 B.C., about a thousand years before they had knights and 
stuff...

Cryus Lance-a-lot

re:       <<< Note 104.532 by CSCMA::M_PECKAR "fast times at Decnet High" >>>

>Pythagorus died in 497 B.C., about a thousand years before they had knights and 
>stuff...

Hmm, thanks for the correction.   I'll have to remember that next time I work
Pythagorus and knights and stuff into a conversation..

adam :-)

    
    re: Adam...
    
    
    8-)  
    
    
    Cath

    
    
    While we're on the subject of these types of jokes:
    
    Frank and Joan were happily married for 10 years until things started
    to turn sour in their relationship.  Joan was fooling around with a
    co-worker at the supermarket where she was employed, and Frank could 
    take it no longer.  Frank decided to hire a hit man, and found one
    through various connections.  The hit man, Artie, came over to Frank's 
    house one day while Joan was at work to discuss the details of the 
    situation, and when he heard about Joan cheating on her husband, he
    went into a fit. 
    
    " My wife did the same thing to me, and it ruined my life!" he said to
    Frank, "So I'll tell you what, I'll take care of your wife for $1!"
    
    Well, Frank was elated to have arranged for such a bargain and agreed
    to it immediately.  However, he didn't realize that Artie was one
    sandwich short of a picnic...
    
    The next day Artie went into the Supermarket while Joan was working,
    and walked up to her and strangled her to death right then and there. 
    Her co-worker lover ran up to Artie and said, "What have you done to my
    Joan?"  whereby Artie then strangled her lover.
    
    Well, Artie was caught, and locked up for good, and the headlines in
    the papers read:
    
    	Artie Chokes Two for a Dollar at the A & P!
    

A Chzech woman, a Chinaman, and a Croatian had wandered off from the main
group to take some pictures of some hippopottomi while on safari in deepest
darkest Africa. Suddenly there was a flourish and the rest the group ran over
to see only the Croatian and two belching, overstuffed hippos, male and
female, picking there teeth contentedly. The group leader got out his knife and
said to the Croatian:  "We've got to get them out fast. Ladies first, which 
one ate the Chzech?" To which the Croatian simply said:




"The Chzech is in the Male."

Not bad!

Somewhere, possibly back in this topic (though I've searched in vain for it)
I read a joke similar to the Pythagoras joke.  This one was something to do
with monks and nuns in a monastery, and the punch line punned the baseball
end-of-inning summary that baseball announcers always say, like;
  "No runs, no hits, and none left on base".

Anyone have it, can they post it here and/or send it to me?

thanks, Josh

<<< Note 104.538 by CORA::64423::BELKIN "the slow one now will later be fast" >>>
                          -< monk/nun baseball joke? >-
    
    
    See .488
    
    
    sparky

A man and his wife were visiting a beautiful Japanese garden.  They wandered
for half a day along the winding paths among the flowers and bushes.  Feeling
tired, they stopped and sat on a bench by a small carp pond.  The woman noticed
a concession stand on the other side of the pond and asked her husband if he'd
like anything to drink. The man agreed and the woman headed over to get their
refreshment.  Just when she reached the other side of the pond she realized
that she didn't bring any cash with her.  She called to her husband and told
him.  He reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet and tossed it across
the pond.  A large carp leaped out of the pond and grabbed the wallet in mid
air.  This fish then swam to another and that carp took the wallet.  That
carp in turn swam to another carp who also took the wallet.  This went on while
the man and his wife watched in amazement.

The man looked up at his wife and said...

"Well, that's the first time I've *ever* seen carp to carp walleting!

	
Subj:	A Dave Barry appropriate to writers and editors alike.....


	DAVE BARRY
	Once again it's time for the popular educational feature ``Ask Mister
Language Person,'' brought to you this week by Ray's House of Fine
Adverbs. Remember Ray's motto: ``Proudly Serving You, Eventually.''
	Our first grammar question today comes from concerned reader Brian
Cameron of Elora, Ontario, who writes: ``Just what does it mean when
someone says, `But, by the same token'?''
	A. In grammatical terminology, this is what is known as a
``constipating conjunction.'' It is used to separate two statements that
would sound stupid if they were right next to each other.
	EXAMPLES:
	-- ``Unemployment will definitely decrease. But, by the same token, it
could increase.''
	-- ``In 27 years of marriage, Todd never noticed Marie's tentacle.
But, by the same token, he was a fine tennis player.''
	- - -
	Q. In the song ``The Joker,'' what is the mystery word that Steve
Miller sings in the following verse:
	``Some people call me the space cowboy
	Some people call me the gangster of love
	Some people call me Maurice
	'cause I speak of the (SOMETHING) of love.''
	A. According to the Broward County Public Library, the word is
``pompatus.''
	Q. What does ``pompatus'' mean?
	A. Nothing. Steve made it up. That's why some people call him ``the
space cowboy.''
	- - -
	Q. How come we say ``tuna fish''? I mean, tuna IS a kind of fish,
right? We don't say ``tomato vegetable'' or ``milk dairy product'' or
``beef meat,'' do we? And how come we call it ``beef''? How come we
don't say, ``I'll have a piece of cow, rare''? And how come we say
``rare''? And how come the waiter always says, ``DID you want some
dessert,'' instead of, ``DO you want some dessert?'' Does he mean, ``DID
you want some dessert, before you found those hairs in your lasagna?''
And how come everybody says ``sher-BERT,'' when the word is ``sher-
BET''? And how come broadcast news reporters end their reports by
saying, ``This is Edward M. Stuntgoat, reporting.'' What ELSE would we
think he's doing? Hemorrhaging? And how come some people call Steve
Miller ``Maurice''?
	A. Those particular people call EVERYBODY ``Maurice.''
	- - -
	VICE PRESIDENT QUAYLE (reading from a cue card): You forgot the ``e''
in ``tomatoe.'' Alsoe ``Ontarioe.''
	- - -
	Q. Last year, when your son, Robby, was doing a fourth-grade homework
assignment that required him to use the word ``combine'' in a sentence,
what sentence did he write?
	A. He wrote: ``Unfortunately, many people have died being shredded by
a combine.''
	Q. Are you making that up?
	A. No.
	Q. Are you concerned about it?
	A. No. But, by the same token, yes.
	- - -
	Q. According to a March 18, 1992, New York Times article sent to you
by alert reader Melanie Allen, what were Russian anarchists chanting at
a Moscow street demonstration?
	A. They were chanting: ``Eat Gaseous Worms.'' The Times states:
``Nobody figured out what this was supposed to mean, but the slogan
stirred considerable emotion.''
	Q. ``Gaseous Worms'' would be a good name for a rock band.
	A. Yes. Another one would be ``Raymond Burr's Legs.''
	- - -
	Q. What do The Dalai Lama's friends call him in informal social
settings?
	A. They just call him by his first name.
	Q. They call him ``The''?
	A. Yes. They say, ``Hey, The! Don't hog all the Tater Tots!''
	- - -
	Q. According to alert reader Wes Munsil, what can the letters in ``H.
ROSS PEROT'' be rearranged to spell?
	A. ``SHORT POSER.'' Two other combinations, developed by top editors
in the Style section of the world-famous Washington Post, are ``SPORT
HORSE'' and ``POSH RESORT.''
	Q. Did they work these out on company time?
	A. Of course. They are journalists.
	- - -
	Q. Speaking of journalists, did an alert reader named Dennis Fazekas
recently send you an article from the Tulare, Calif., Advance-Register
concerning a prisoner who escaped from the Tulare courthouse?
	A. Yes.
	Q. And what did the headline say?
	A. It said: COURT ESCAPEE STILL ON THE LAMB
	- - -
	TODAY'S TIP FOR NOVEL WRITERS: Remember that you can make big money
if your novel is made into a movie, so in your writing, always be alert
for opportunities to include scenes that will appeal to the motion-
picture industry.
	- - -
	WRONG: ``Apprehensively, Hugo entered the room.''
	RIGHT: ``Apprehensively, Hugo entered the room and found Julia
Roberts in there naked.''
	VICE PRESIDENT QUAYLE: You forgot the ``e'' in ``Hugoe.''
	
	(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

 RE; Carp to carp walleting...I'm dyin'  :-)







Jum

Sparky, thanks for the pointer.  
  Josh

I thought that I was still in the "World We Work In" topic and the memo was
REAL!  I had to check the topic title after I read the line about the turkeys
being live!

Pretty funny.

adam

    I got as far as the pens to hold them in....no way would they rip up
    the grass for that !

	There was another good one going around last year that
	told about reduced benefits.  

	Like this year, you get	a coupon for a turkey breast.
	
	Then next year a coupon for a pound of sliced turkey.

	THen a pound of ground turkey.

	The last year you got turkey hot dogs 

	:-)

<forwards & headers deleted>

	
Subj:	HOLIDAY TURKEYS
To:     See Below


As you know, the Corporation is continuing its efforts to reduce expenses
which do not contribute to our goal of profitability.  Some recent examples
include the cancellation of the Canobie Lake outings and more stringent
control over travel expenses.  As part of this effort, we are modifying
the 1992 holiday turkey distribution program in the U.S.  Digital has
had a contract with turkey growers since the spring, due to the time
required to raise the turkeys, and we feel bound to honor that contract.
However, the one element which had not be contracted by the summer was
the slaughtering and dressing process associated with the turkey distribution
program.

As such, we are announcing that turkeys will be distributed this year and
'turkey cards' are being distributed with paychecks the week of November 16.
However, the turkeys will be distributed live.  Penned in areas have been
constructed at each distribution site and the turkeys will be delivered
to the pens the day of turkey distribution.  Employees may personally
select the turkey they wish to take.  Each employee will receive printed
instructions on the slaughtering, feather removal and dressing process.
For those employees who would prefer not to do this function, names of
local slaughter houses and butchers will be provided.  In addition, care
instructions will be provided for those employees who wish to keep their
turkey as a pet.  Due to the nature of turkeys, it is advised that all
employees have an old blanket or cloth in their car to prevent stains.

The days for turkey distribution at each site will be announced locally.
We are sure you will support our efforts to continue to reduce Digital's
costs and wish you a happy holiday season!

<Distribution List Suppressed>

    where's the reply from DEC systems account about investigations by DEC
    security???
    rfb

I thought it was a new topic ... 320 ... looks like it's gone.

        <<< NOTED::DISK$NOTES1:[NOTES$LIBRARY_1OF5]EQUITATION.NOTE;3 >>>
                          -< Equine Notes Conference >-
================================================================================
Note 446.0                         Horse humor                         7 replies
CIPHER::GREENBERG                                    99 lines   3-APR-1986 09:20
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

================================================================================
BISON::TEDONE                                       113 lines   1-MAY-1984 11:06
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                    Choice Words About Horses 

                 They Shoot Writers, don't they? 
                          By Dave Barry 






I have always been opposed to horses.  Horses have enormous 
bodies and hard feet such as could easily stomp a person's body 
until it was the consistency of grits.  I see no reason why the 
government should not require horses to have soft feet, like 
dogs.  you never hear of a dog stomping anybody to death. 

Another advantage of dogs is that you can look them right in the 
eyes.  This is because dogs' eyes are located close together, on 
the same side side of their heads.  Horses, on the other hand, 
have eyes the size of cueballs located on completely different 
sides of the head, often several feet apart.  While one eye is 
looking at you in a stupid, obedient, traditionally horse-like 
way, the eye on the other side may have a shrewd, calculating 
look, the look of an animal that is thinking, "What would happen 
if I stomped him to death?  I bet they wouldn't arrest me.  The 
district attorney would look like a fool, bringing in a horse 
before the grand jury.  I bet the worst that would happen is that 
people would stop sitting on me and making idiot noises, such as 
'whoa.'" 

If you think horses aren't smart enough to figure all this out, 
I suggest you look at some of the old shows featuring such 
extremely smart television horse as Trigger and Mister Ed.  Mister 
Ed actually did all his own talking.  He put out the story that 
somebody else was doing it because he was ashamed of the quality 
of the dialog.  Eventually he quit, and today he produces the 
MacNeil-Lehrer Report. 

So my policy has always been to stay a distance of several 
football fields from any potential horse.  The only exception, 
until a few weeks ago, was the time my wife got me to sit on a 
rental horse in Rocky Mountain National Park.  The idea was that 
we would ride up the mountainside and see some scenic vistas and 
gallop to some secluded lake and be stomped to death, but 
fortunately my horse refused to do anything except eat and go to 
the bathroom.  It was employed by the federal government. 

After that narrow escape, I vowed never to get on a horse again, 
and I was doing fine until a few weeks ago, when I went to 
Texas.  You know how when you see Texans in the movies, they 
always drive pick-up trucks and wear big hats and say "Howdy" and 
act real friendly when they're not hitting each other with 
chairs?  Well, that is exactly what real Texans are like.  You 
get the impression they all undergo some kind of mandatory training.

So I was in Texas, and this Texan named George insisted that I 
come out to his house and get on one of his horses.  He was just 
trying to be hospitable.  I explained my theory about how horses 
are potentially lethal, but I think George thought I was kidding. 
He said he had some really nice horses.  I think he said one was 
gelding, which made me really nervous, because the last thing I 
need is to be sitting on a gelded horse when it decides to get 
even. 

Fortunately, George put me on this woman horse named Frosty.  He 
figured I'd be safe on her because she's something like 145 years 
old and has never been gelded or anything.  George rode his own 
personal horse, Booger.  Booger is the size of a recreational 
vehicle and is what is known as "spirited," which means he's 
always snorting and rolling its eyes and pawing and generally 
behaving the way Jack Nicholson did in "The Shining" just before 
he went after his wife and child with an axe. 

We rode around an arena, and it actually worked out fine.  I 
wasn't killed or anything.  Unlike the federal rental horse, 
Frosty wanted to run, but if I pulled back on the reins she would 
stop.  Then she'd start again, and I'd stop her, and she'd start 
again, etc.  It was a peck of fun. 

I even tried my hand at roping.  Ordinarily, people rope calves, 
which are baby cows, but George had me trying to rope a former 
umbrella stand.  It was originally a milk can that George's wife 
had converted into an antique umbrella stand, but one day while 
she was at church George welded runners on it and attached an 
imitation calf's head.  He drags it around behind Booger so 
people can practice roping it.  At least that's whet he claimed. 
For all I know, it was an elaborate joke, and he had hundreds of 
Texas friends hiding in the bushes and howling with laughter 
while this cretin Yankee tried to rope an umbrella stand. 

I didn't care.  I was just glad I didn't have to try to rope a 
real calf, because you can never tell when the mother and father 
cows will come running over and stomp you to death.  They have 
hard feet, too. 

>From the 11/6/92 David Letterman Show


   TOP TEN THINGS THE QUAYLES HAVE TO DO BEFORE JANUARY 20TH:
   ----------------------------------------------------------
10.  Fill out Dan's Dairy Queen application.

 9.  Stock up on Defense Department hair shellac for Marilyn.

 8.  Begin difficult process of teaching Dan a new address.

 7.  Erase "I can't believe I'm Vice-President" doodles from
     his desk.

 6.  Get cushy job from one of President's deadbeat sons.

 5.  Break news to Dan that he wasn't re-elected.

 4.  Try to meet Bush.

 3.  Get Dan's favorite chew toy back from Millie.

 2.  Explain to the children that Daddy will never hold
     any kind of political office ever again.


And the number one thing the Quayles have to do before January 20th...

 1.  One more blunder for the road.

DAVID LETTERMAN, NOV. 25
------------------------------------------------------
TOP TEN THINGS BILL CLINTON WILL DO AFTER JANUARY 20TH
------------------------------------------------------
    
10: Turn country's economic problems over to someone smart like Einstein.

9:  Shout, "Who needs this anymore!" as he throws his toupee in the
    fireplace.

8:  Declaw Socks.

7:  Declaw Hillary.

6:  Appoint Gennifer Flowers ambassador to his pants.

5:  Track down that guy who tried to draft him 25 years ago and fire him.

4:  Make Gore memorize the spelling of common vegetables.

3:  Flip back a "Double Jack" and yell, "Whiskey Boy in Charge!"

2:  Get out his "Finger List" and start flipping through it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING BILL CLINTON WILL DO

1:  Practice the Pocket Veto!

    

<--- re

... Hey Bill!  Is that a veto in your pocket, or ...


;-)

- jeff

    
So, these three men find themselves in front of the gates of heaven, waiting
on line to speak to St. Peter.

The first one gets up, and St. Peter says, "So, tell me your story".  And the
guy says:  "St. Peter.. it happened like this.  For 15 years, I worked in the
factory.  Every day, in in the morning, home at night.  One day, for the first
time in 15 years, I come home during the day for lunch.  And what do I see?
My wife, in the living room, in a little, frilly nightgown.  So, I say 'Aha!'
there's only one reason why she would be wearing a frilly nightgown in the
middle of the day and I race into the bedroom.  I look everywhere, the bed,
the closet, and finally I look out the window and I see two hands.. ten 
fingers.. gripping on to the outside of the window ledge!  So I reach down and
start pounding on this guy's fingers!  Finally, he yells out - and falls down.  
I look out the window - and this guy, he landed in a bush - he's not even dead!
So now I'm SO MAD.. I'm running around the house - I grab the refrigerator.. 
pick it up.. and throw it out the window on top of the guy on the bush and 
finally, he's dead.  But the exertion and my anger - it was too much - my heart
gave out, I had a heart attack, and now, here I am"

So, St. Peter says, "Oh what a story.. an act of passion.. you sit over here,
we'll find some room for you."

So, the 2nd guy gets up, and St. Peter says, "So, tell me your story".  And
the guy says, "St. Peter, it happened like this."  For 15 years I've been
washing windows.  So, the other day, I'm going like always when all of a 
sudden I slip!  I'm falling and falling and then, like a miracle, I'm able to
grab on to this ledge!  And I'm hanging there, praying to God I don't fall,
when all of a sudden this lunatic starts pounding on my fingers!  I try to hold
on but I can't and again I'm falling and falling and like a miracle, I land in
this bush!  I'm alive! and I'm thinking, oh I'm so lucky, God was watching out
for me after all.. and before I can even finish the thought, a refrigerator
lands on top of me and then I came here"

So, St. Peter says, "Oh - what a terrible story!  You sit over here, we'll let
you in in a minute."

So, now the third guy comes up.  And St. Peter says, "So, tell me your story"
And the third guy says: "Well, I was sitting in this refrigerator..."

:-)

Figured this was the most suiting place for this note.  
    
During this festive season, we all begin humming our favorite Christmas songs.  
Most of these songs are well-loved and have been around a long time.  However, 
woud these songs be recognizable under different titles?  See how many of these 
Christmas tunes you can identify.

1. Small City in Judea

2. Colorless Yuletide

3. Singular Yearning for Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Loyal Followers, Advance

5. Righteous Darkness

6. Weather-cloudless: Arrival Time-2400 Hours

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridors

9. Bantam Percussionist

10. Monarchical Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Father Christmas En Route to Borough

13. Initial Christmas

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten Upon the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for This Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. Hence Arriveth Kris Kringle

21. At the Zenith of the Habitat

22. Jehovah Dulcify Blithe Chevaliers

23. The Dozen Festive 24-hour Intervals

24. Shaking Sleigh Ornaments

25. Is There Auditory Agreement Among Us

26. A Jocund Yuletide From All of Us 

27. Frozen Fairylike Imaginary Realm 

28. The Yule Conifer

29. The Laughing Ancient Holy Chap

30. Notice Sharon's Thorny Flower Unfurl Forever

31. Hurray!
    

> See how many of these Christmas tunes you can identify.

I'll give it a shot -- and set my timer for 5 minutes...

- jeff-who-got-23/31...

        1. Small City in Judea
oh little town of bethlehem
        2. Colorless Yuletide
white x-mas
        3. Singular Yearning for Twin Anterior Incisors
all I want for x-mas is my 2 front teeth
        4. Loyal Followers, Advance
oh come all ye faithful
        5. Righteous Darkness
oh happy night ?
        6. Weather-cloudless: Arrival Time-2400 Hours

        7. Far Off in a Feeder
away in the manger
        8. Array the Corridors
deck the halls
        9. Bantam Percussionist
little drummer boy
        10. Monarchical Triad
we three kings
        11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
silent night 
        12. Father Christmas En Route to Borough
santa claus is comin' to town; or santa claus goes straight to the ghetto (a
James Brown classic!)
        13. Initial Christmas

        14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
        15. Proceed and Enlighten Upon the Pinnacle

        16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis
rudolph the red nosed raindeer
        17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
what child is this
        18. Delight for This Planet
joy to the world
        19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
hark the herald angels sing
        20. Hence Arriveth Kris Kringle
here comes santa claus
        21. At the Zenith of the Habitat

        22. Jehovah Dulcify Blithe Chevaliers

        23. The Dozen Festive 24-hour Intervals
the twelve days of x-mas
        24. Shaking Sleigh Ornaments
jingle bells
        25. Is There Auditory Agreement Among Us

        26. A Jocund Yuletide From All of Us 
we wish you a merry x-mas
        27. Frozen Fairylike Imaginary Realm 
winter wonderland
        28. The Yule Conifer
Oh christmas tree
        29. The Laughing Ancient Holy Chap
jolly ol' saint nick
        30. Notice Sharon's Thorny Flower Unfurl Forever

        31. Hurray!

    >>       6. Weather-cloudless: Arrival Time-2400 Hours
    
    		They Came Upon a Midnight Clear
    
    >>      21. At the Zenith of the Habitat
    
    		Up on the Rooftop
    
    

    Phyllis,  That's about the only joke I can ever remember and I've been
    telling it for a long time now.  Slight variation in the situation and
    occupation of 2nd guy (seems a bit better then the way I tell it ;-)
    and I end the punch line as,
    "Well, I was hiding in this refrigirator..."
    
    Good joke though ;-)
    
    PeterT

[many forwards removed]

OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}

Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same
pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time
the package gets harder to open.  This year the pants came wrapped
in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now
Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers
from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's
mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.
He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather
and he didn't like them.  So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three
times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for
Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted
the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide
tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch
square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a
2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it
with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged.
But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a
20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into
a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut.  The can was put in a
5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and
given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade
steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's
name on the side.  Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured
trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to
Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated
it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the
safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant
manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with
95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said.  "I will definitely
get them out. I'm confident."  But he's waiting until January to
think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned.  "I'm on the offensive again."

    
    
    He oughtta take the 2,000 pound cube, put it in the back seat of an old
    Cadillac, and have the Caddy crushed into a cube!!!
    
    But that would be unoriginal...  How would you top the last "wrapping
    paper"?
    
    Tree

 Well, I'll be panting waiting to hear the next one :-)






 

Surround the pants with a shell of anti-matter held in place by
a space-time flux ... heh heh heh, that'll get him.

    When it gets real cold in Minn. people get goofy.  Believe me 
    I have lived here my whole life.
    
    :-)
    goofy's pal Pluto ;-)
    

Treemon -

I think he first has to unwrap the trousers and then re-wrap them.  just putting
the cubed car in a big ole caddie won't do!  perhaps after it is unwrapped...

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.

------- Forwarded Message

Subj:	Holiday traditions...

[forwards removed]

OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}

Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same
pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time
the package gets harder to open.  This year the pants came wrapped
in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube.

The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now
Collette's plotting his revenge--if he can get them out.

It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers
from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's
mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student.
He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather
and he didn't like them.  So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable", wore them three
times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for
Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted
the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide
tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch
square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a
2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it
with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged.
But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a
20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into
a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut.  The can was put in a
5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and
given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade
steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's
name on the side.  Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured
trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to
Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated
it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the
safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant
manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of
Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with
95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said.  "I will definitely
get them out. I'm confident."  But he's waiting until January to
think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned.  "I'm on the offensive again."



------- End of Forwarded Message

 Its deja vu all over again :-)

Its deja vu all over again :-)

it keeps going, and going, and going, . . .

it keeps going, and going, and going, . . .

	"Now, cut that out."

		- Jack Benny

	   "We trained hard... but it seemed that everytime we were 
	   beginning to form up into teams, we would be reorganized.
	   I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new 
	   situation by reorganizing; and a wonderful method it can 
	   be for creating the illusion of progress while producing
	   confusion, inefficiency and demoralization."
 
	             - Petronius Arbiter, Greek Navy - 210 BC
 

    way cool sparky.  I've had the quote taped up in my office for
    a couple years.  it gets truer and truer every day.
    
    carol

    re: the quote from 210 BC
    we are in the process of forming teams, with coaches and resource
    leaders....i found the quote VERY FUNNY INDEED! management did
    not....%^)
    
    rfb

    Yeah, teams.  IDC is reorging into complete "teams".
    
    Ha!
    
    8^} sparky

    Sparky, 
    You work for IDC also? Who's yer boss?
    rfb

    I dunno.
    
    My "boss" was laid off.  Let's see, I guess it's Arline Stith.
    Judith Scott is our CC manager, and Judy Hall is our Business
    Leader.
    
    Does that help ya out at all?
    
    :)sparky

I know a Judy Hall who is a Consulting Engineer, formerly from
LCG (LSSE) in MRO.  I don't know what a 'Business Leader' is,
and frankly it doesn't sound like her kind of job, but I figured
I ask.  The Judy I know was married to Wayne Hall, who at least
at one time ran Corporate Telecomm.  

tim

    Judy Hall is our business leader here in CO also, cause she's
    responsible for storage....
    
    rfb

    There are 4 or 5 Judy Hall's out there.  "Our" Judy came from
    MLO.  She used to be my mom's boss which is the funniest thing . . .
    
    :)sparky

    you can lead a horticulture, 
    but you can't make her think.

heh heh heh.

Reprinted without permission from the Miami Herald
    
DAVE BARRY
	
	'Tis the holiday season -- a time when writers openly use words like
``'tis'' and even ``'twas''; a time when throngs of excited parents
bustle into the Toys Sure ``R'' Costing ``U'' Plen-``T'' store and club
each other with sturdy Tonka trucks in fierce holiday struggles over who
gets to purchase the only remaining unit of the toy industry's hottest
new product concept, Baby Fester Face (``The Doll That Develops REAL
BOILS!''); a time when festive gatherings of loud, eggnog-impaired
people attempt to sing ``The Twelve Days of Christmas'' despite the fact
that nobody ever remembers what my true love gave to me after day five:
	``... drummers milking
	``EIGHT leapers leaping
	``SEVEN figgy puddings
	``SIX snakes a-molting ... ''
	Yes, the holiday season is a time of traditions, and here in the
newspaper industry we have a cherished tradition of reminding you, the
public, of all the holiday-related ways in which you can get injured or
killed. We also perform this service for you on Memorial Day, the Fourth
of July, Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving. (``Enjoy your turkey
dinner, but remember: This year, 250 Americans will choke on their
giblets.'')
	So today I want to discuss a potential holiday disaster that was
brought to my attention by alert reader Debby Denniston, who sent me an
Associated Press article that appeared last December in the Albany (N.Y.
) Times Union. The article, which I am not making up, begins:
	``FREMONT, Neb. -- A 10-year-old boy trying to keep his dog from
throwing up on a rug was pinned when the family Christmas tree fell on
top of him.''
	This incident should come as no surprise to anybody who has ever
owned a dog. Throwing up on rugs is the primary function of dogs, as a
species. If you were to put a dog in the middle of the Sahara, the dog
would immediately start trotting in a straight, purposeful line, and it
would continue night and day, traveling thousands of miles if necessary,
defying exhaustion, starvation and thirst, until it located a rug, which
it would throw up on.
	So anyway, when this Fremont, Neb., dog -- whose name, according to
the article, is ``Pookie'' -- started to woof, the boy shoved him off the
rug. Naturally, this caused the Christmas tree to fall. Christmas trees
have some kind of inner-ear problem that renders them incapable of
standing erect for any significant length of time. In their natural
forest environment, they grow horizontally on the ground, like zucchini.
	Compounding the problem is the fact that Christmas trees are known to
be among the most vicious members of the plant community. They become
especially hostile after they've spent weeks tied up tightly at the
Christmas-tree sales lot while holiday shoppers repeatedly lift them up
and pound them down to see if any needles fall off. So when Dad brings a
tree home, cuts its ropes and tries to jam it into one of those
ludicrously flimsy, ashtray-sized ``tree stands'' -- which are barely
adequate to handle a small floral centerpiece, let alone an enraged,
full-grown conifer -- the tree, freed from its restraining ropes, will
immediately start lunging violently in all directions, while Mom, trying
to be helpful, says, ``OK, now it's leaning to the left ... OK, now it's
leaning to the right ... OK, now it's leaning back to the left ... OK,
now it's ...'' Meanwhile, Dad, somewhere down on the floor under the
thrashing branches, pine sap smeared in his hair, is fighting for his
life, bleeding from hundreds of tiny pine-needle stab wounds and saying
many non-holiday words. At least that's the tradition in our house.
	But getting back to the Associated Press article: There the boy was,
alone in his house, trapped under a highly aggressive Christmas tree.
Fortunately, Pookie saw what was happening, trotted alertly over to the
boy, and, in the heroic tradition of resourceful canines Lassie and Rin-
Tin-Tin, threw up.
	No, seriously, the article states that the boy was able to reach a
phone and call 911, whereupon ``police and firefighters pulled the tree
off the boy, who was not injured.'' The article does not state whether
the police used tranquilizer darts on the tree.
	So fortunately this story has a happy ending, which is good, because
the holiday season should be a happy time. So before we create the
impression that there's nothing more to this very special time of year
than tree attacks, we'd like to wish you the best, and leave you with
this holiday thought: Both holly AND mistletoe are poisonous.
	
	(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.