Conference napalm::guitar

    
    ...You step up to your mike and get 120v across the lips!!

    
    ... you set your mint, scratchless guitar on its stand, and as the 
    drummer leaves the stage, he bumps the crash symbol and you watch as
    it falls and glides across the face of your guitar leaving a nice
    gouge in it's wake.  

    RE:  .2 
    
    	Yeah...  so what's your point? The guitar has just increased in
    	value!
    
    	Many  ;^)'s
    
    
    	Fred (who's Strat looks like it's gone to hell and back)

    You're thinking of selling ALL your musical gear to help finance a new
    Harley

    .0 #2 and .1 :  Go wireless!
    
    

    ...your wireless picks up a police call in the middle of your solo :-)
    
    ...the other guitarist thought *you* were bringing the extension cords
    
    ...you didn't realize how close to the crash cymbal your ears were
    
    ...your bar tab exceeds your take for the night
    
    ...some drunk wants to sit in
    
    ...that attractive woman who's been checking you out turns out to be a
       guy in drag
    
    ...that attractive woman who's been checking you out has a boyfriend;
       a big one
    

    a gas grill catches fire outside the tent you're playing in and they
    have to evacuate the tent and bring in an ambulance to haul off the
    people overcome by fumes, then when you get back on stage all your
    stuff is covered with fire extinguisher grit

    please try to keep this believable, will ya
    
    :-)

    ...your singer turns into a raging obnoxious drunk on stage and gets
    you thrown out of the best paying bar in town...for ever!!

    
    - The soundman in some $#!+hole dive tells you they will only
      put vocals through the monitors.
    
    - There are no monitors.
    
    - There is no soundman.
    
    - There are more people in the band than the audience.
    
    - The first thing the owner says to you is that his insurance
      doesn't cover damage to the band or their equipment.
    
    - You play on a Monday night and they tell you that you did
      really well and they're going to invite you back on a big
      night, and it turns out to be a Tuesday.
    
    - The promoter tells you that you can go on last because the
      headliner "just wants to get out of here."
    
    -b

    Your rhythm guitarist or drummer absolutely **must** go to the bathroom
    **right now** in the middle of a great set when you got the whole room 
    dancing.

    
    	The Celtics and Knicks are on the tv's in the finals.
    
    	They put their great grandmother at the table next to
    	the PA.
    
    	There's flourescent lighting right above you.
    
    	

    re .-1
    
    could be worse, could be the PGA championships on the TV's

    
    	Dave - actually, the whole bar was watching the tv and
    	not me...
    
    	But, speaking of golf, I have a slot open for sunday
    	at 9:30 at Wachusetts...  didn't know you played!
    
    	Tom
    

    I play (very badly). I'd be an embarrassment at Wachusett.
    
    But I've been in situations where I've tried to play in a bar
    that had the Bruins on wide-screen TV right above my head. It's 
    not fun.

    >> Don't you he it when..
    
    > The Celtics and Knicks are on the tv's in the finals.
    
    That's a sacrifice I'd love to have to make again.
    
    	db - Celtics fan

    ....you sit in with a band and deliberately choose a well-known
    standard to play, thinking "There's no WAY they can mess up this
    song"....and the band DOES succeed in butchering it?
    
    ....you're about to intro the first song of the night, and you break an
    essential string (high G# on a pedal steel!)
    
    .... you change said string, and the replacement breaks!
    
    .... you sit in with a band whose monitors are (a) too loud or (b) too
    weak or (c) non-existent ;^)
    
    Eric-who-has-had-ALL-these-happen-to-him!

    >Your rhythm guitarist or drummer absolutely **must** go to the bathroom
    >**right now** in the middle of a great set when you got the whole room 
    >dancing.
    
    Time for Blackbird!

    no, time for Free Bird :-)

    >>  Time for Blackbird!
    
    Close, Buck.  For No One is what actually gets dredged up.

    
    - The owner says, "the chain link fence does cut down on the
      number of injuries to the band from flying bottles, but
      unfortunately, it doesn't stop bullets."
    
    - All the groupies have visible open sores.
    
    - The owner says "We don't like any of that new-
      fangled music like... what's his name... Elvis, yeah
      that's it."
    
    - The patrons think that John, Paul, George and Ringo
      are the names of the 4 Gospels.
    
    - The drummer asks if you've ever seen a kit with 4
      bass drums before.
    
    - The owner asks if you mind being paid in food stamps.
    
    -b

    The owner is standing near the sound man during sound check and talking
    alot to him.

    
    - The hottest nightspot in town is called "Porky's".
    
    - There's a sign at the entrance to the bar that says
      "Metal detector broken, sorry for the inconvenience".
    
    - You get called to sit in with a band, only to find out
      that you're replacing someone who died in a mysterious
      electrical accident.
    
    - You get called to play a booze cruise with some captain
      whose previous boat was named something like "The Valdez."
    
    - The soundman uses sign language.
    
    - The roadie who rented the truck to carry the equipment
      in looks amazingly like John Doe II.
    
    - The keyboard player is racist, so he won't touch the
      black keys.
    
    -b

    
    .. the guitarist throws up onstage... right into his monitor wedge!!
    
    /Bill_K
    

    Actually Bill, thats pretty cool in the heavy metal scene...
    :-)

    ...There's nothin' like getting into an arguement with a drunken patron 
    during a break, getting punched in the mouth, and singing with a bloody 
    lip and loose teeth for the next two sets.
    
    Didn't happen to me personally, but I saw it happen. I even offered
    to sing a few songs for the guy, but the only thing on their setlist
    I knew the words for was AC/DC's Big Balls.
    
    Larry

    ...The crowds getting rowdy, that guy with the large wrench in his
    back pocket is growling and you suddenly realize there isn't a bouncer 
    in the joint.

My band had a two-night gig from hell due to a psycho club owner on one 
of the cozy islands off Cape Cod.  The thought occurred to me that I 
ought to present some of the highlights for your amusement.

We arrived on Thursday and discovered that the club had a pretty small 
stage... not tiny, but too small for a 4-piece band AND the house system, 
so the house system had to go in front of the stage.  The club decided that 
they could not afford to sacrifice the 8 or 10 square feet of floor space 
during lunch and dinner hours, so they made the sound man break down after 
Friday morning sound check, then set up before and break down after Friday 
night, then set up before Saturday night, none of which he had bargained or 
quoted for.  Needless to say, they could have easily left the speakers 
right where they were... they got a good food crowd but never filled to
the seams.

The club further promised that the house system could go up at 9PM (for a
10PM show), but made no move to clear the space at the agreed-upon time.  
Come about 9:20, we inform the club, very nicely, that we probably won't 
be able to start at 10PM because there won't be enough time to set up the 
sound system.... just want to let you know so there are no surprises.
Their response is that they'll clear the way for the sound when they feel
like it.  At 10PM sharp, the owner and manager are walking around looking 
at their watches, harumphing, and mumbling under their breaths about 
contracts while we and the sound man struggle to get the show under way.

On the second night we get the same treatment, but that isn't quite
enough.  The club owner all of a sudden decides that the placement of
one of the house columns and the mixing board is no good for tonight...
they gotta move several feet _after_ they're all cabled in.

And did I mention them standing there with a soundmeter at sound check
as we play a soft ballad, and telling us "you're right on the
borderline of town ordinances."  Which turned out to be just their
little control game because once the place filled up, the clinking of
glasses was louder than our sound check, they wanted us to be loud anyway, 
and the DJ that played between our sets was deafening.
      
Yes, there were a few saving graces.  The island was beautiful and it was
a nice little vacation, we played well and the crowd liked us, for some 
reason the club paid us in full before we left the island (I guess they 
figured they'd had enough fun), and the sound man, who we were working 
with for the first time, was super professional, did a terrific job for 
us, and took all the crap the club could deal out with a smile on his 
face.  Mick Foret of Foret Sound... somewhere on the shore south of 
Boston, is highly recommended.
                                   
Posting this note makes me feel much better.

    
    RE: -1
    
    How's about you let us know (quietly like) what the name of the
    club was so we can add it to our "must miss" lists...
    
    -b

    OFf-line please...  It's a no-no.
    :-)
    
    jc (Who's already discussed this, and knew it would come up... :-)

    
    Someone should make up a distribution list for times like this! 
    
    Hmmmmm...  maybe we should start one?
    
    
    	Fred 

    
    ...you slice your left index finger with a razor-sharp brand new
       Leatherman tool while hiking at 5000'?!?!?
    
       This one bled for TWO DAYS straight.  Probably should have gotten
       a stich or two.
    
    CAN YOU SAY RUST?
    Kev --
    

your new Marshall amp (4 months old) dies,,
the store sends it in for repair, which you reluctantly agree to...
(hey WTF, it's 4 months old,,,,, Yoikes why not replace it.???)

Momentarily life is bad, dark clouds seem to hang in the air like
balloons of death..  even your dog won't sit near you...

You hold the store manager in contemp, you curse him, you curse his family, 
you curse people who look like him.  Sleepless, you go to the local library 
and look for books titled "Do it yourself Voodoo" and "Killing your enemies 
and making it look like someone you hate even more did it"

5 weeks pass, the amps back, (YAAA!) Life is good once again, the sun
shines, the stars glisten, even your Car seems to run better, your
dog won't leave your side...  

but with in moments, you realize,,,  ARRRGGG it still don't work, (HISSSSSS!)
something new and exciting, oh no-no, not just the same old problem.

Back down on the roller coaster of rock and roll, down, down, down,, back
to the store you go,,, obviously a disturbed man, but a proud man, you
hold your temper, you're nice, you're pleasant, your down right homogenous..

store manager says- "oops,, sorry man.., err,, ah,, umm,, hmp! well, here take
a new one.."  (like, you couldn't save me 5 weeks, and do this up front..
---- weasel!)

and... momentarily, ---  you're happy, life is good,
you now hold the store manager as an icon of humatiy,,  you're kissing
babies, waving to strangers,, even considering giving that hitchiker
a ride to where ever he wants to go...  ---  Yes life *IS* good..

---- till a few days later, when this new amp dies too...
what be this ? An unlikely twist of fate, perhaps yet another factory defect
or better yet, maybe the supreme test of ones reserve, fortatude and
patience...  but no,, indeed,,, a factory defect..

(what-- you mean you shouldn't be able to cook an omlette on top of
your tube amp ??  Hmp! and I thought ALL tubes lite up BLUE and ORANAGE,,
sort-a like halogen lamps!)

No longer happy at all,, (infact, we're begining to approach bipolar
tendancies) you go back to the store,,,  and now you utter the magic
incandation,,, 

	"Don't f**! with me, get this taken care of.."

Store OWNER says, "awe, hey, we'll get you a new amp" ,
store manager says, "awe, hey, we'll get you a new amp",
Company rep says "Yea sure, we'll get him a new amp..."

..time passes,, (Much time,, three weeks to be precise..)
and... you still have --- no amp...

yes,, I *HATE* when this happens..

but I now understand what makes guys buy high powered
rifles, and sit ontop of water towers picking off drivers
of white Chevy Suburbans.. hey ! it's a good deal for 800 bucks...

and if anyone wants to discuss the possibilities of plastic explosives
and timing devices,, contact me off line!!!!

8)

/pelkey,..

    You've gotta be kidding?  Man!  What a DRAG!!!
    
    BTW - I'm laughing my ass off from reading that note, but I'm bummed
    for you anyway...  Sheesh!

    
    	Ray - why can't they give you some sort of comparable loaner
    	until yours comes in?  If you have problems with a Lexus or
    	Infiniti car, they even loan you the next higher model!
    
    	Sorry about that, I'd be really disappointed.
    	Tom
    

   > hey ! it's a good deal for 800 bucks...

   And at that, much cheaper than therapy!

   Sorry to hear about your troubles (great note, btw) but please;  I'm
   trying to *sell* a Marshall.  Shhh....  :-)

   Just kidding, folks.  As we all know, there are lemons out there.  It
   really is unfortunate that you should run into two consecutive ones.
   Recent (perhaps) QC problems?  A bad "batch" to the same distributor, then
   onto the same dealer?  Dumb luck?  Pelkey luck?  :-)  

   Just how hot did the second one get?  I've had amps that glow blue and
   orange, and get too hot to touch the top after a 3-4 hour practice, but
   always considered that "normal".  Even my Stewart ss power amp gets too
   hot to touch after a while, at least on the heat sinks...

   > and if anyone wants to discuss the possibilities of plastic explosives
   > and timing devices,, contact me off line!!!!

   Better act now, before those "tough anti-terrorism measures" take effect. 
   :-)

   -- Sam

RE: Loaner...  They've offered, I've got a Crate VC30
that I picked up for chump change this past spring, so
that's been my back up,,,  and when needed, the store was
more than willing to let me take anything I wanted, which
I did for the first gig I had with my current band..

(That sort of sucked,, first gig, and I had to use a borrowed
amp... what a pissa.  it was a 60 watt 1x12 JTM 60, didn't have
the teeth the 2x12 has...)



First amp had bad tubes, that failed after 4 months.  When they 
replaced the tubes, they obviously put more shitty tubes in, cause 
after they heated up, they'd start crakling and spitting...  

the second amp got wicked hot after about 20 minutes, and again,
more crackling and spitting,, normally, the caps of the tubes would
glow, but on this amp, the entire tube was lit up like a night
light,, with little blue specs all over the glass.

that seemed to be a biasing problem and  the JTMs have no biasing 
adjustment acording to Neil Orsi.

And yea, it's gotta be Pelkey luck...  I spoke with Marc Gordon
on Monday night, and he said they've sold about 20 off these
JTM 60-2x12s since they came out, and none but mine have had probs.

So Marc and the rep have agreed to replace the amp AGAIN, I'm just
still sitting and waiting.......  Should now more by the end of the
week....


It sucks though...

I just called around, and folks have the JTM60 2x12 instock
and are willing to match the price I paid...

So then i called the store, and uttered the magic
incadation

	"I want my money back"

I gave them till tomorrow afternoon to verify when i'll get
this resolved......  I told them by the end next week was 
acceptable, but anything beyond next week, and it's refund time..

I'm really growing tired of this nonsense...

/r

    Ray-  I'm bummin' to read of your continuing aggravation...  I can't
    believe the p!ss poor luck you've had.  You're more than generous to
    give them next week... I'd be inclined to give them till the end of
    the day. 
    
    Guess I should consider myself lucky that I've had no problems with
    any of the Kitty Hawk M1's, though they do tend to run very hot.
    
    /Steve

thanks Steve.. visit me at the state hospital,, wont you !?

    I'm kinda surprised.  My M1 doesn't run hot.

    -1
    
    Mike- that's interesting.... all of mine have always gotten very hot
    after a few hours of continuous use.  I always thought it was kind of
    normal for them.  The power supply transformers get too hot to touch,
    but (knock wood) none of them have ever had any failures or problems.
    BTW- is yours still on consignment?  Remember, you can keep me in mind
    if necessary.
    
    /Steve

    My Super Champ had this problem (power transformer too hot to touch).
    I noticed it all of a sudden one day when the turning off the power
    switch (it seemed unusually warm).  Neal Orsi went all through the
    thing, couldn't find anything wrong, even swapped in a NOS power
    transformer and it also ran hot.  So I just stopped worrying about it.
    
    /rick

    1 more month.  if I break it early it will cost me.

    DYHIW....
    
    You're tearing down after a gig, you twist a mike stand clutch to
    collapse the stand....
    
    ....the top of the stand slides down with a "sssss-CHUNK!"...
    
    ....and because you're in a hurry and don't get your hand outta the
    way, it pinches you inside your index finger and draws blood. Ouch!
    This happened to me last night after the gig. "Oh, the pain...." (in my
    best Dr. Zachary Smith voice.....)
    
    OK everyone....'fess up!  Who's been a victim to the plummeting mike
    stand? :^O
    
    						--Eric--
    

re: .45
    
>    You're tearing down after a gig, you twist a mike stand clutch to
>    collapse the stand....

>    ....the top of the stand slides down with a "sssss-CHUNK!"...

>    ....and because you're in a hurry and don't get your hand outta the
>    way, it pinches you inside your index finger and draws blood. Ouch!
>    This happened to me last night after the gig. "Oh, the pain...." (in my
>    best Dr. Zachary Smith voice.....)
>    
>    OK everyone....'fess up!  Who's been a victim to the plummeting mike
>    stand? :^O
    
I have done that one, but I'm more likely to get bitten by trying to carry
more than one mike stand at a time in one hand.  Invariably, I manage to 
smash a finger between two of the shafts. :-)

-Hal

    Re. .46
    
>I have done that one, but I'm more likely to get bitten by trying to carry
>more than one mike stand at a time in one hand.  Invariably, I manage to 
>smash a finger between two of the shafts. :-)
    
    Uh-huh, me too.... 8^O
    
    						--Eric--

    
    
    I haven't done that, but we have added so much stuff to the PA rack
    that it weighs an absolute ton.  If we ever take a gig that has a
    flight of stairs, we'll have to leave it on the street and run the
    snake down to it. 8-)
    
    Kevin
    

    Re. .48 and heavy stuff...
    
    Yeah, that reminds me.....
    
    DYHIW flights of steps are inevitable and the gear is heavy?  I used to
    dread playing the (now defunct) Lazy Armadillo in Marlboro because it
    was on a second floor....
    
    Or worse, back in 1976 when I used to have to lug my 2x15" bass cabinet
    up TWO flights of steps to my apartment cause I was afraid of it
    getting ripped off.  Things improved a bit when I finally went to a
    single-unit Peavey Combo 300.  They improved a lot when I moved into a
    house trailer -- 4 steps up -- now if we can just avoid gigs that
    involve flights of stairs ;^)
    
    					-- Grandpappy Eric --

    If we remember Dr. Zach Smith too, does that mean we're also
    "grandpappies"?

    Ouch.  Yep, thanks for the painful memories of that pinched 'web'.  I
    think I've done that a couple of times.  It hurts more the second time,
    too because you feel so stupid.  :-)