Conference napalm::guitar

    I once watched as Robbied Steinhart (Kansas old Violin player) tried a 
    death defying leap across stage, and wound up on his ass.  I didn't
    think any less of him coz he dropped his body.  So Dave Mason dropping
    a pick isn't what I'd consider a "Dead Ringer sign of a hack"
    
    How Masons performance was that night I couldn't say.  I can say 
    that from the  albums I've had, and heard, Dave Mason usually has
    excellent vocals, his Albums, are usually well done.  So if you
    should have happened to catch him on a bad night, you loose.

    I saw him a few  years ago, and it was not as bad as what your
    experience was.  It was a good show.

    I went to see Rush about 6 years ago and I thought they were terrible.
    They just wern't tight.  So everyones leaves the show thinking,
    "These guys stink."  Two days later, their next show was canceled.
    Pert had Walking Pnemonia.  I think I drew a direct conlcusion to
    the sloppy performance I saw.  So when the Grace Under Pressure
    tour was happenen, I went again.  They blew me away.
    
    Give Mason one more chance to prove how bad he is before you give
    bad rap.  
        
    Worse band I ever saw was AC/DC.  The only reason I went is cause
    the original ticket holder had to work, so a mutual friend invited
    me along.  Man those guys just rotted my hair off.  I think they
    were trying to see how loud they could get before the steel beams
    started to split.  Listening to AC/DC that night was not my idea of 
    fun.  Shoulda knew bettter, I've never been a big fan.

    	Who do *Not enjoy listening to ?"  :

    
    		The Rolling Stones
    		The Moody Blues
		Sting
    		Robert Plant
    		Aerosmith
    		Springstein (No I'm not a commie)
    		DYLAN	(Top on this list)
    		David Lee Roth
		Lionel Ritchie (Close second to Dylan)
    		Kenny Rogers (Should be chewing tobabo while driving
			     a tractor in some god forsaken corn field
    			     while swooning Dolly Pardon... [I watch
			     too much T.V.])
		AC/DC (per a previous no-related reply in this note)
		Barry Mandilo  (Now this guy does stink !)

		Most of those Southern type guys who try to do love
    		songs. You know, the "I Watered The Lawn With My Tears" 
    		stuff

		Twisted Sister
    		Motley  Crue
		The Beasty Boys  (Spare me please !)
		Alot of the stuff the Cars do.

    	To catorgorize "Not enjoy listening to"  I switch the station
    or throw in a C.D. or album when these bands/performers come on.

    	Do they stink ?  Not at all.  (with one exception)  I just don't 
    prefer their choice in tunes.

    
    	Judge not less ye be judged.

    
    	A bad night you say...no I dont think so I think he must of
    been real down for some reason. his performance was the pits!!!!
    I totally agree that his albums are decent, to bad he can't play
    the music live!!!! I repeat he stinks... He is the only musician(
    I use that lightly) that I have seen that I couldn't beleive could
    be so BAD. People that have bad nights aren't that bad. When I say
    he dropped his pick I mean he was real sloppy. We're talking SLOPPY!
    
    
    	Someone else in the audience mentioned that he must be baked!!!!
    so it wasn't just me!!!!it sad to see someone that popular going
    down the drain. He may have some kinda problem...it's to bad.
    
    

    	That's too bad.  Sounds like he's heading for the slime
    in the bottom of the barrel.  When I saw him, I think it was close
    to, or the better part of five years ago.   Could be on a crack
    kick ?!
    
    	As far as not being able to play *their* stuff live,  There's
    alot of that going around these days.

    	Ever see George (how ever you spell) Thuroughgood ?
    
    	There's a new meaning to Bad right there.

    
    That's why I started this note, I can't think of anyone else that
    is pro that I've seen that was poor. And I mean Edwards isn't really
    as popular as lets say Elton john etc, but if you ever seen him
    you know that he's definately pro. In performance and musically.
    His voice is real clean and can hit some real high's. 
    
     And the way I look at it if you can't do it live, then give it
    up!!!!

    
    		
    RE: Jontahan Edwards:
    
    		I happened into an outdoor concert in Rhode Island
    	one summer.  Jonathan Edwards was there.  You're right about
    	him in both aspects.  He's not that popular, but he carries
    	himself very professionally, and sings as well in front of
    	people as he does in front of a studio mike.  I never paid
    	much attention to him before that day.  He surprised me.

    		He also has better songs than "Sunshine".

    		Live or Leave ?  I agree again.  Alot of people become
    	good, and then just let it slip.  Kinda like the pro-athelete
    	that used to be All-Star, and now can't climb a flight of stairs.

    /ray

	Seeing John Fahey "perform" drunk...
	
	It was kind of sad, actually...

Even the best musicians can have poor concerts or tours. I certainly wouldn't
argue that Larry Coryell isn't a very talented musician, but I saw him
give one of the most pitiful performances I've ever seen. This was in college
in the Albany NY area about 9 years ago. He made dozens of mistakes on many 
pieces and his improvisation (that night) was incredibly sloppy and boring. 

Under performers that I prefer radio ads to, AC/DC are at the top of the list.

Scott

    For a good Larry Coryell performance, I suggest the "European
    Impressions" album.   It has some weak spots, but there's some great
    moments on it also.
    
    I get the sense that most of it is very free form improvisation.
    
    	db

    I can't remember any concert when Leo Kottke wasn't drunk and he
    usually got by.  I heard he had bad ones when he was sober, however.
    
    Joe H.

The worst concert I ever went to had to be when I was back in college .....
mmmmm .... 7 years ago or so.  Stephen Stills outdoors.  15,000 people showed 
up to see him and within 20 minutes about 1/3 of the crowd left.  His 
performance consisted of virtually all stale, lackluster, acoustic material.  
Moreover, the back rows had to strain to hear him and he refused requests to 
turn up the volume.
Another bad concert I saw was Genesis on their Lamb Lies Down on Broadway 
Tour.  That is when Peter Gabriel was still with them.  Mind you, I was a huge 
Genesis fan prior to the concert.  Since then, I have never bought another one 
of their albums.  Gabriel used ridiculous props to draw attention, the 
remaining band members sat in chairs the whole time, and the guitarist was out 
of tune the whole night.
Frank Zappa's concert didn't knock me out much either.  If this guy can play 
at all he sure didn't prove it to me.

Joel

    Krokus, Eric Clapton, Genesis, ELO, & the Firm....all Boring and
    worthless!
    
    -WjB
    

    Joe Perry Project so loud you couldn't hear.....
    Ten Years after, that little ole unknown band named ZZ top ate these
    guys for lunch.....and then Alvin went sprong!!! in the intro to
    "I'm goin' home" we left....
    Uriah Heep..simply sucked
    Savoy brown...double bill with the above, both bands sucked
    Chicago ate the big one! what attitudes.....
    Kansas....the violinist was such an ass......more attitudes..and
    too loud!
    The runaways...prehistoric Joan Jett....but still totally fossilized
    Foghat....the power of noise
    Someone and the somebodies...this is music?
    
    dave

    Gee, I've seen Leo Kottke several times and never got the impression
    that he was drunk, although I have no reason to doubt you.
    
    I can't imagine anyone being able to do what he does drunk (except
    maybe John Fahey).
    
    I really enjoyed the Kottke concerts I've been to.  Incredible guitar
    playing, but also, he worked up a nice repore with the crowd and
    told many wonderful stories.
    
    I'm one of these people who tends to try to learn stuff way beyond
    his current technique (this is NOT recommended).  I've gone through
    transcriptions of Morse, Guy Van Duser, Al DiMeola, Van Halen,
    Holdsworth, etc. and I can tell you that of all the stuff I've read 
    through, Kottke stuff impresses me as being the most difficult to
    perform CORRECTLY.   My guess is the guy does a lot of woodshedding
    to be able to play the way he does.
    
    And I consider myself to be a pretty good fingerpicker for an amateur
    who is not devoted to fingerpicking style.

    	db

    Regarding Zappa as a guitarist...
    
    It's funny about Zappa. You generally either think he's a genius
    or a hack.  I can understand BOTH points of view.
    
    I used to think that all he did was turn the distortion way up and
    move his fingers fast, but totally randomly.  In fact, I used to
    do credible (to my ears) Zappa imitations that way.  I couldn't
    understand why anyone considered this guy a major guitar player.
    
    I think I started to appreciate Zappa when I heard the song
    "Fifty/fifty" from "Overnite Sensation".  It is a real hot song
    with a great weird vocal, and awesome solos by George Duke and
    Jean Luc Ponty.   Those solos are then followed by a Zappa solo
    who's first note suggests to me the sound a guitar might make if
    it was blowing its nose.
    
    On the first couple of listens I thought it was rather nervy of
    Zappa to follow those great Duke/Ponty solos with his usual cacophony.
    After a few listens though, I noticed that he was ACTUALLY playing
    over the changes.  No question about it.  As I got to listen to
    that solo more and more, it became one of my favorites (OK, so I
    forgot to mention it in the "Best solos" topic).   From that start
    I began to appreciate more of his stuff.
    
    There's no question in my mind that he knows a LOT about music (theory,
    arranging, etc.) but it's just not readily apparent in his guitar
    playing.  He's not one of my favorite guitar players (those "Shut
    Up..." albums are pretty boring IMO), but I can definitely appreciate
    what he does.
    
    	db

    I can recall a Zappa peice that was sweet! Couldn't tell you what
    album it is, but it's the track right after a tune that just repeats
    "Wind up workin' in a gas station..." also I remember something
    to the effect of "show me your thumb if you're dumb..."  
    That peice was real cool.   Zappa seems to be preoccupied with being
    awfully sarcastic, and on Sheik Yer Bouti gets a bit raunchy with
    "Bobby Brown, Broken Hearts Are For As*holes, Jewish Princess."
    Not a great show of musical genius.  His son's a good guitarist...
    
    			Regards
    

    re. -1
    Those cuts are off of Zoot Allures.  You should also listen to
    "The Torture Never Stops" where Frank plays a fretless ovation.
    
    I am continually amazed/disgusted by Zappa.  He'll turn out an
    incredible album and follow it by a total piece of junk.  Right
    now he is in the junk stage.
    
    His son is from the Eddie Van Halan school of fast guitar playing.
    I haven't noticed any talent though....
    

    re: .16
    
    I think Dweezil is more of a musical athlete than a guitarist. 
    He's got awesome chops but that does not make him a "good guitarist".
    In my mind, he sorta epitomizes the recent emphasis on pyrotechnical
    guitar playing among younger players.
    
    I'm sure Dweezil could play 32 notes for every note Dave Gilmour
    could play, but in my book Dave Gilmour is musician and a guitarist
    and Dweezil Zappa is just a kid.   Dweezil sorta reminds me of the
    droves of kids I see wailing away at "Eruption" or something similar
    every time I walk into a music store.  (SHEESH!)
    
    I think Sheik Yer Bouti has got a lot more to it than just sarcasm.
    The arrangements are incredible.  The band is ultra-tight.  Also
    consider how many musical styles are covered/mimiced in that album
    with alarming polish.  That's not easy even if it isn't as flashy
    as a finger-tapped whammy barred guitar solo!
    
    I think "You Are What You Is" is sorta like a better version of
    Sheik Yer Bouti.  Lots of commercial stuff (were it not based on
    controversial subjects), a little bit of Zappa avante guarde (3rd
    Movement from Sinister Footwear), and it covers so many styles:
    C&W, Gospel, Rock, etc.
    

    
       Worst concert....Al Stewart  (asleep after three toons)
       Van Halen at the last US Festival.....they were too soused!

    						Phil       

    Disgusting Fact:
    
    	the new album by the 'Beastie Boys', "licence to ill", has
    	already sold approximately 4 *million* copies.
    	(featuring the hit single "you've got to fight for your right
    	to party")
    
    stuff like this makes me want to take up a different hobby- 
    
    hunting bad musicians!! ;^)
    
    Tim
    

    Re -.1:
    
    Boy Tim, sounds like you have a sh*tty attitude towards music.
    Yeah, the Beastie boyz are doing their rap/metal thing and making
    it big at it. So what?!? Run DMC made a bit hit with that genre also.
    You say it's not music? Then what *is*??? Obviously 4 million people
    must have thought it was good...who knows, it'll probably sell another
    4 before it's history. What I'm saying is they've got their knack
    in the music marketplace...it works for what they're doing, and
    its selling. What more could you ask for? 
    
    Also, whatever you may consider `musical'...how is that doing sales-
    wise??  Remember, music is a *business*...musicians/bands are hired
    by record companies to make music that will sell and make them money.
    I think they could really give a crap if they're great musicians
    or not, it doesn't matter that much. Brand X (Featuring Phil Collins)
    played incredible pieces of music, but it was was over the masses
    heads and could only be appreciated by a select group of individuals
    (primarily consisting of other musicians). Where is Phil now?? He's
    making pop records, and making a killing at it. Is he any less of
    a musician for it? 
    
    Also noteworthy is the fact that maybe the beastie boyz can't do
    what Brand X did, but Brand X probably couldn't do what the beastie
    Boyz do either. You can't effectively compare different genre's
    of music. 
    
    And before you go judging someone else...what are *you* doing anyway???
    
    WJB

    I think that just about any recording artist can have a good or
    bad live performance, depending on various factors (such as current
    health or state of inebriation); but the point's been pretty well
    made in these replies that there are some who are much more consistent
    than others in putting on excellent shows.  And others who tend
    to do the opposite, although some of these bad reviews seem to be
    prompted by distaste for the style or volume level (and I can get
    behind *that* sentiment).

    I could mention several bad ones I've seen, but at the moment feel
    more inclined to recommend some excellent live performers, especially
    since one of them will be in town in a couple of weeks.
    
    Although I haven't seen Jonathon Edwards in the past few years,
    I have seen him enough times to agree that he can be a real pleasant
    surprise.  The guy really does have amazing control over his voice
    and is one of my all-time favorite harp players -- very unique style.
    Oh yeah, and he plays guitar too (almost forgot what notesfile this
    is!).  When he does use a backup band, they're extremely tight.
    
    Bonnie Raitt is always EXCELLENT.  Can't say enough good things
    about her, her versatility of both voice and guitar, her personality
    and stage presence, and her band.  I'll admit that the last time
    I saw her, she did do some material that was more commercial than
    her usual variety of stuff, but she's *so* good anyway...
    
    And the guy who's coming to town shortly, complete with his big
    band (which is a rare treat these past few years), is David Bromberg.
    They'll be at the Nightstage in Cambridge on Feb. 22.  That's a
    Sunday, unfortunately, but this show is well worth catching anyway.
    In case you're not familiar with him, Bromberg plays a wide variety
    of guitar styles.  Although he's widely considered one of the foremost
    acoustic pickers anywhere, my personal preference is for his Rhythm
    & Blues-style electric guitar work.  And I've never heard a band
    play tighter while appearing to be just having a great time.  That
    band usually consists of 9 pieces, and nearly all double on various
    instruments (strings as well as horns).   And talk about professional
    attitude, I've never seen any evidence of ego in his act ---  he
    obviously loves to feature every member of his band.
    
    Bromberg is such an excellent *live* performer, in fact, that he
    prefers to produce his albums out of his concert tours.  (As an
    example of his work, I recommend "You Should See the Rest of the
    Band.")  I've heard it said many times that he doesn't just put
    on a show, he puts on a clinic.  This is not just a technician;
    this is a *musician*.    
    
    -sf-

Everyone is entitled to an OPINION, what you like or don't like in terms of
music is a valid area for having an OPINION.  I won't listen to rap music -
it's painful to me in an indescribable way.  I won't listen to "the archies"
for similar but different reasons.  It's my OPINION, i'm entitled to it.  it is
not a sh*tty attitude about music - it is being honest about what i like and
(or in this case don't like).  I went to a Peter Gabriel concert and was bored
to tears, my pal mike sitting next to me was in ecstacy.  Whenever Yes plays
anywhere in the area i get there, i'm in ecstacy each time.  taste is taste
and nothing more.

as far as hunting musicians is concerned, WBJ and i are in agreement - but
it sounds like a statement that was made with humorous intent to me, like
saying you want to kill the president to a secret service man...  real funny,
ha ha! 

Music is not business to everyone, to some folks it's an art form - or a means
to communicate an idea. i don't play because it's my business, i do it 'cause i
get a real high from making music that i like the sound of.  I program
computers for business. 

that people will buy something is for sure an indication of something, i'm not
sure what, i don't believe it's quality.  i can remember that at least one
person became a millionaire selling "pet rocks" - a lot of people bought 'em.
what does that say about "pet rocks" - high quality marketing? - a buying public
that has sh*t for brains? - that rocks can be an emotional butress in times
of severe distress??  go figure!

-max-

    I think all the Beastie Boys are just concert pianists venting
    frustrations.  =)
                                                          
    Idea #867a.: "Fight for your right" backed by a 200 peice orchestra
    and sung by either a)Morman Tabernacle or b) Some sort of Barbershop
    chorus.   What A Concept!

    
    

    
    (is it over yet?)
    **FLAME**
    (no)
    
    I'M SORRY!
    
    I didn't mean it that seriously! It was a joke! Forgive me!
    
    OK, I don't care for the B.B.'s stuff.  That's my opinion.  You
    are all welcome to your opinions.  I have nothing against the 4
    M people who bought the record, it's their $$.  I think it's fine
    that they are getting rich from it, I would like to make that kind
    of money.
    
    I don't think I have a s***y attitude toward music, and I'm not
    going to respond any further to that point.
    
    IT WAS A JOKE ABOUT HUNTING BAD MUSICIANS!!
    I'm sorry if I offended anybody, I guess I have a sick sense of
    humor.  If I really meant that, I would have shot myself when I
    first took up the guitar.
    
    The point I was trying to make is that the Beastie Boyz are making
    big bucks from music that is not what I would classify as "classic"
    or "among the great songs of our time"; while musicians doing work
    that I think is a heck of a lot better aren't having that kind of
    success at it.
    
    I know that music is a business, one of my roomates makes a good
    living at it.
    
    Once again, I apologize for all the toes I seem to have inadvertantly
    stepped on, it was really meant as a joke.
    
    Tim
    
    
    

    Re -.1:
    
    Tim, didn't really mean to *flame* on you that bad, now that I read
    back. I thought you were putting down the beastie boys and their
    `fans'. I'm the first to realize everyone has their opinions, I
    have my own, but I don't think they should affect others. I don't
    like free style jazz, I think its wierd, yet, I don't put down
    the people who play it or like to listen to it, that's their business.
    I just accept the fact it doesn't catch my ears, period. I think
    thats a pretty healthy attitude towards the genre, but that's my
    opinion too.
    
    Whatever.
     

>    The point I was trying to make is that the Beastie Boyz are making
>    big bucks from music that is not what I would classify as "classic"
>    or "among the great songs of our time"; while musicians doing work
>    that I think is a heck of a lot better aren't having that kind of
>    success at it.
    
    You better get used to this.   It's not likely to change.
    
       Sincerely
    
    	  a fan of Steve Morse, Al Holdsworth, Larry Carlton,
          and a not-so-small of top-notch musicians who are
          far from rich.

    
    	When I started this file I was looking for BAD PERFORMERS..
    When I say bad I mean bad... Run dmc I think is kinda junk But I
    don't think that there bad performers.. I think they do a good job
    at rap.Remember MY opinion only!!!! I can't stand micheal Jackson
    but there is no doubt that he is a real pro performer... That goes
    for Huey Lewis I mean he's not my Favorite at all, but his band
    and himself are very good performers even if I dont care to much
    for his music. I don't take this away from anybody that plays any
    kind of music. 
    
    	What I can't stand is someone who is suppose to be pro that
    absolutely STINKS.... I'm not talking having any kind of health
    problems on a givin night like a cold or soar throat. I'm talking
    they just down right STINK. Another person who comes to mind real
    quick is Kris Kristofferson.. I admit he writes good tunes but he
    as a performer STINKS.. He can't hold a note if he tried. ANd yet
    you see him on tv specials from time to time trying to sing..GAG
    ME!!!! doesn't he hear how bad he is???? If any body should be lip
    syncing it should be him...hell it couldn't hurt!!!!!!

    RE: .0
    
    I saw Dave Mason several years ago (late '70's), and my impression
    of him was exactly the opposite of what you expressed. Not only
    did I feel that he was very professional, but also that he played
    with feeling. I found his performance captivating.
    
    So, who knows, maybe it was a bad night, maybe he was sick, or on
    drugs, or just down and out. Who knows? But the man has talent,
    no question about it.
    --
    						Seth

Indisputably the worst performance I ever did see was Van Halen at the
Civic Center in Springfield.  It was not Eddie so much, but Roth
absolutely s*cked!!  He sang like dogsh*t, while he sorta strutted
around the stage in these ridicoulously tight leotards protruding his
woody out all over the place.  I guess the girls didn't get turned
on as much as the guys did, as some guys randomly climbed up on stage
in a desparate attempt to grab the protruding membrane!!  Amusing as 
all h*ll!!  Roth would stand back and sorta do a "giggle-giggle!!"  
It was amusing, however.  By the way, I saw VH twice and both 
performances were totally horrendous.  Eddie and Alex were pretty 
intense, while that Bass player of theirs was totally wasted.  He 
sweated so bad that I thought he was going to vapor-lock!!

km

    I see AC/DC are coming in for a real bagging here ! As a red blooded
    Aussie I have to add my 2c worth. I have seen AC/DC live back in '72/'73
    with Bon Scott at the helm, and Angus rewriting the annals of heavy
    guitar playing - I agree that today's commercial version of AC/DC is "weak
    as the proverbial p_ss" - but their contribution to modern rock music
    has been immense.
    
    On the other hand, when Eric Clapton played in Sydney in '77/78, he was
    so stoned he fell into the drum kit and did not finish a song - the
    whole concert was called off, and an angry mob received there money back.
    
    I guess everyone can have an off day !
    
    Jeff.
    

    Just for the sake of keeping this conversation going....
    
    I'm a typical 70's kid ('77 graduate) and have attended my share of
    concerts over the years. Here are a few of the best and worst (in my
    opinion):
    
    	BEST:   The Allman Brothers (many times over the years)
    		Alice Cooper -- (it was "classic Alice"!)
    		Rush (saw them in Montral, 1977 - playing to a home crowd!)
    		Bruce Springsteen (Born on the Edge of Town tour)
    		Elton John (3+ hours outdoors!!!)
    		Jethro Tull (3 times -- all great)
    		Little Feat (1977 -- dancing all night!)
    		Southside Johnny and The Asbury Jukes (typical Jersey rocker)
    		Charlie Daniels Band (ditto!)
    		YES (many times -- all great !)
    		Peter Frampton / The Outlaws (Springfield, MA. - 1975 !!!)
    		Joe Cocker / Stevie Ray Vaughn (both were excellent)
    
    	WORST:	Kiss (1975)
    		Frank Zappa (his band was great. Frank sucked pond-water!)
    		Emerson, Lake and Palmer (yawn......)
    		Grateful Dead (one long jam............................)
                Eddie Money (again, great bad. Eddie was so-so...)
    		Styx (the 90's version -- give it up guys!)
    		Elvis Costello
                R.E.O. Speedwagon (bubble gum....)
    
    And I'm just scratching the surface. Many more that I can't recall
    off the top....
    
    - Pete (proud new owner of a Fender Tele!)
    

Okay I'll play:


Best:
-----
Dream Theater, Rack-N-Roll, Colorado Springs, 1993  (Fackin' WOW!)
Queensryche - AJ's, Greenville, SC, 1988 (Fackin' WOW!)
Rush - Every fackin' time I see 'em!!
Marshall Tucker - Assabet Valley, Marlboro, Mass 1981
Jethro Tull - Centrum, Worcester, MA.  1980??
Scorpions/Trixter - McNichols, Denver, 1992
Eagles - Yale Bowl, Conn. 1977  (Fackin' WOW !!!)
Judas Priest - (Seen 'em a few times - Yowza!!)

Worst:
------

I don't have any "worsts" - although I have some "really disappointed's":


Really Disappointed:
--------------------
Metallica, Centrum, Worcester 1990
Allman Bros (Seen 'em 6 times - bummer)
Outlaws (Saw 'em several times - Egotistical JERKS!)
Stevie Ray Vaugn - Newport Jazz Festival - 198%


Local boize:
------------
"Threshold" at The Mine, Colorado Springs, CO
"Kidd Wikkid" at The Gardens, Colorado Springs, CO

Article 165 of clari.feature.dave_barry:
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From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry
Subject: HERE ARE THE RESULTS OF THE BAD SONG SURVEY, PART I
Date: Sat, 16 Jan 93 18:08:02 PST
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	PART ONE
	Before I present the results of the Bad Song Survey, here's an
important:
	BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT
	Be advised that this column names certain songs that you hate and
have tried to suppress, but as soon as you read their names your brain
will start singing, ``Yoouunngg girl, get out of my mind; my love for
you is way out of line ...'' over and over AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT
AIEEEEEEE. Thank you.
	First, I have NEVER written a column that got a bigger response than
the one announcing the Bad Song Survey. Over 10,000 readers voted, with
cards still coming in. Also, wherever I went people expressed their
views to me, often gripping my shirt to emphasize their points. (``You
know that song about pina coladas? I hate that song. I HATE IT!'') Song
badness is an issue that Americans care deeply about.
	Second, you Neil Diamond fans out there can stop writing irate,
unsigned letters telling me that I am not worthy to be a dandruff flake
on Neil's head, OK? (Not that I am saying Neil has dandruff.) Because
you have convinced me: Neil Diamond is GOD. I no longer see anything but
genius in the song where he complains that his chair can't hear him.
Unfortunately, a lot of survey voters are not so crazy about Neil's
work, especially the part of ``Play Me'' where he sings:
	``... song she sang to me,
	song she brang to me ...''
	Of course I think those lyrics are brilliant; however, they brang out
a lot of hostility in the readers. But not as much as ``Lovin' You,''
sung by Minnie Riperton, or ``Sometimes When We Touch,'' sung by Dan
Hill, who sounds like he's having his prostate examined by Captain Hook.
	Many people still deeply resent these songs. Many others would not
rule out capital punishment for anyone convicted of having had anything
to do with Gary Puckett and the Union Gap (``Woman,'' ``Young Girl'' and
``This Girl Is a Woman Now,'' which some voters argue are all the same
song).
	Likewise there are boiling pools of animosity out there for Barry ``I
Write the Songs'' Manilow, Olivia ``Have You Never Been Mellow'' Newton-
John, Gilbert ``Alone Again, Naturally'' O'Sullivan, The Village
``YMCA'' People, Tony ``Knock Three Times'' Orlando, and of course Yoko
``Every Song I Ever Performed'' Ono. And there is no love lost for the
Singing Nun.
	The voters are ANGRY. A typical postcard states: ``The number one
worst piece of pus-oozing, vomit-inducing, camel-spitting, cow-phlegm
rock song EVER in the history of the SOLAR system is `Dreams of the
Everyday Housewife.''' (Amazingly, this song was NOT performed by Gary
Puckett and the Union Gap.)
	Here are some other typical statements:
	-- ``I'd rather chew a jumbo roll of tinfoil than hear `Hey Paula' by
Paul and Paula.''
	-- ``Whenever I hear the Four Seasons' `Walk Like a Man,' I want to
scream, `Frankie, SING like a man!'''
	-- ``I wholeheartedly believe that `Ballerina Girl' is responsible for
90 percent of the violent crimes in North America today.''
	-- ``I nominate every song ever sung by the Doobie Brothers. Future
ones also.''
	-- ``Have you noticed how the hole in the ozone layer has grown
progressively larger since rap got popular?''
	Sometimes the voters were so angry that they weren't even sure of the
name of the song they hated. There were votes against ``These Boots Are
Made For Stomping''; the Beach Boys' classic ``Carolina Girls''; ``I'm
Nothing But a Hound Dog''; and ``Ain't No Woman Like The One-Eyed Gott.
'' A lot of people voted for ``The Lion Sleeps Tonight,'' offering a
variety of interpretations of the chorus, including: ``Weem-o-wep,''
``Wee-ma-wack,'' ``Weena-wack,'' ``A-ween-a-wap'' and ``Wingle whip.''
	Many readers are still very hostile toward the song ``Wildfire,'' in
which singer Michael Murphy wails for what seems like 97 minutes about a
lost pony. (As one voter put it: ``Break a leg, Wildfire.'') Voter
Steele Hinton particularly criticized the verse wherein ``there came a
killing frost,'' which causes Wildfire to get lost. As Hinton points
out: ``... `killing' in `killing frost' refers to your flowers and your
garden vegetables, and when one is forecast you should cover your
tomatoes. ... Nobody ever got lost in a killing frost who wouldn't get
lost in July as well.''
	There was also a solid vote for Gordon Lightfoot's ``The Wreck of the
Edmund Fitzgerald,'' a real fun party song. Several voters singled out
the line: ``As the big freighters go, it was bigger than most.''
	Speaking of bad lyrics, there were votes for:
	-- Cream's immortal ``I'm So Glad,'' which eloquently expresses the
feeling of being glad, as follows: ``I'm so glad! I'm so glad! I'm glad,
I'm glad, I'm glad!'' (Repeat one billion times.)
	-- ``La Bamba,'' because the lyrics, translated, are: ``I am not a
sailor. I am a captain, I am a captain, I am a captain.'' And he is
probably glad.
	-- ``Johnny Get Angry,'' performed by Joanie Sommers, who sings:
``Johnny get angry, Johnny get mad; Give me the biggest lecture I ever
had; I want a BRAVE man, I want a CAVE man ...''
	-- ``Take The Money And Run,'' in which Steve Miller attempts to rhyme
``Texas'' with ``what the facts is,'' not to mention ``hassle'' with
``El Paso.''
	-- ``Torn Between Two Lovers.'' (Reader comment: ``Torn, yes,
hopefully on the rack.'')
	-- ``There Ain't Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My
Love For You.'' (This might not be a real song, but I don't care.)
	Certainly these are all very bad songs, but the scary thing is: NOT
ONE SONG I'VE NAMED SO FAR IS A WINNER. I'll name the winners next week,
after your stomach has settled down. Meanwhile here are some more songs
you should NOT think about: ``Baby I'm-A Want You,'' ``Candy Man,''
``Disco Duck,'' ``I Am Woman,'' ``Itsy-Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka-
Dot Bikini,'' ``Last Kiss,'' ``Patches,'' ``The Night Chicago Died,''
``My Ding-a-Ling'' and ``My Sharona.'' Just FORGET these songs. Really.
	P.S. Also ``Horse With No Name.''
	
	(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.



Article 166 of clari.feature.dave_barry:
Message-ID: <S4e8.4a23@looking.on.ca>
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 93 2:28:20 EST
Path: e2big.mko.dec.com!pa.dec.com!decwrl!looking!clarinews
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry
Subject: HERE ARE THE FINAL RESULTS OF THE BAD SONG SURVEY
ACategory: lifestyle
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DAVE BARRY
	
	I hope you haven't had anything to eat recently, because, as promised
last week, today I am presenting the winners of the Bad Song Survey.
	In analyzing these results, I had to make a few adjustments. For
example, the Bob Dylan song ``Lay Lady Lay'' would have easily won as
Worst Overall Song, with 17,006 votes, except that I had to disallow 17,
004 votes on the grounds that they were cast by my Research Department,
Judi Smith, who tabulated the votes, and who HATES ``Lay Lady Lay.''
	To win, a song had to be known well enough that a lot of people could
hate it. This is a shame in a way, because some obscure songs that
people voted for are wonderfully hideous. One reader sent a tape of a
song called ``Hooty Sapperticker'' by a group called ``Barbara and the
Boys.'' This could be the worst song I've ever heard. It consists almost
entirely of The Boys singing ``Hooty! Hooty! Hooty!'' and then Barbara
saying: ``Howdy Hooty Sapperticker!''
	Several readers sent in an amazing CD from Rhino Records called
``Golden Throats,'' which consists of popular actors attempting to sing
popular music, including William Shatner attempting ``Lucy In The Sky
With Diamonds,'' Leonard Nimoy attempting ``Proud Mary,'' Mae West
attempting ``Twist and Shout,'' Eddie Albert attempting ``Blowin' in the
Wind,'' and -- this is my favorite -- Jack `` Soul'' Webb attempting ``Try
a Little Tenderness.'' You need this CD.
	But now for our survey results. Without question, the voters' choice
for Worst Song -- in both the Worst Overall AND Worst Lyrics category --
is ... (drum roll ...)
	``MacArthur Park,'' as sung by Richard Harris, and later remade, for
no comprehensible reason, by Donna Summer.
	It's hard to argue with this selection. My 12-year-old son, Rob, was
going through a pile of ballots, and he asked me how ``MacArthur Park''
goes, so I sang it, giving it my best shot, and Rob laughed so hard that
when I got to the part about leaving the cake out in the rain, and it
took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again, Rob was
on the floor. He didn't BELIEVE those lyrics were real. He was SURE his
wacky old humor-columnist dad was making them up.
	The clear runner-up, again in both categories, is ``Yummy Yummy Yummy
(I Got Love In My Tummy),'' performed by Ohio Express. (A voter sent me
an even WORSE version of this, performed by actress Julie London, who at
one time -- and don't tell me this is mere coincidence -- was married to
Jack Webb.)
	Coming in a strong third is ``(You're) Having My Baby'' by Paul Anka.
This song is deeply hated. As one voter put it: ``It has no redeeming
value whatsoever -- except my friend Brian yelled out during the birth
scene in the sequel to `The Fly' in full song, `Having my maggot!'''
	Honorable mention goes to Bobby Goldsboro, who got many votes for
various songs, especially ``Honey.'' One voter wrote: ``Why does
everybody hate Bobby Goldsboro's `Honey'? I hate it too, but I want to
know WHY.''
	Why? Consider this verse: ``She wrecked the car and she was sad; And
so afraid that I'd be mad, but what the heck; Tho' I pretended hard to
be; Guess you could say she saw through me; And hugged my neck.''
	As one reader observed: ``Bobby never caught on that he could have
bored a hole in himself and let the sap out.''
	A recent song that has aroused great hostility is ``Achy Breaky
Heart,'' by Billy Ray Cyrus. According to voter Mark Freeman, the song
sounds like this: ``You can tell my lips, or you can tell my hips, that
you're going to dump me if you can; But don't tell my liver, it never
would forgive her, it might blow up and circumcize this man!''
	Many voters feel a special Lifetime Bad Achievement Award should go
to Mac Davis, who wrote ``In the Ghetto,'' ``Watching Scotty Grow,'' AND
``Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me,'' which contains one of the worst lines
in musical history: ``You're a hot-blooded woman-child; And it's warm
where you're touching me.'' That might be as bad as the part in
``Careless Whisper'' where George Michael sings: ``I'm never gonna dance
again; Guilty feet have got no rhythm.''
	Speaking of bad lyrics, many voters also cited Paul McCartney, who,
ever since his body was taken over by a pod person, has been writing
things like: ``Someone's knockin' at the door; Somebody's ringin' the
bell; (repeat); Do me a favor, open the door, and let him in.''
	There were strong votes for various tragedy songs, especially ``Teen
Angel'' (``I'll never kiss your lips again; They buried you today.'')
and ``Timothy,'' a song about -- really -- three trapped miners, two of
whom wind up EATING the third.
	Other tremendously unpopular songs, for their lyrics or overall
badness, are: ``Muskrat Love,'' ``Sugar Sugar,'' ``I'm Too Sexy,''
``Surfin' Bird,'' ``I've Never Been To Me,'' ``In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,''
``Afternoon Delight,'' ``Feelings,'' ``You Light Up My Life'' and ``In
the Year 2525'' (VIOLENT hatred for this song).
	In closing, let me say that you voters have performed a
major public service, and that just because your song didn't make
the list, that doesn't mean it isn't awful (unless you were one of
the badly misguided people who voted for ``The Tupperware Song'').
Let me also say that I am very relieved to learn that there
are people besides me who hate ``Stairway to Heaven.''  Thank you.
	P.S. Also ``I Shot the Sheriff.''

		Copyright 1993 the Miami Herald

    BESTS: (measured on energy, attitude, sound mix, vocal harmony, overall
    'tightness', arrangements, length of performance, and of course guitar
    ability)
    
    Eagles Austin, Texas,.. last tour as a group with Joe Walsh...Incredible!
    
    Little River Band, ...Denver, CO super tight, incredible harmony.
    
    Chigaco, King's Dominion, Richmond, VA (1991)...excellent mix,
    excellent performance (new bass player sounds JUST like Pete Cetera)
    
    Richard Marx King's Dominion, Richmond, VA (1992)...excellent mix,
    excellent performance, love his 'main' guitar player.
    
    Jimi Hendrix, Va Beach Dome (1968, I think).....I was in awe...I'd
    never seen or heard anything like that.....sound mix was awful, but who
    cared...I was 16.
    
    3 Dog Night, Hampton Coliseum (1970, I think).....what a jam!  Drummer
    was impressive, lots of energy, good show.
    
    Tower of Power,  Hampton Coliseum (1971, I think).....wow!  they warmed
    up for WAR, who sucked.  T O P was killer tight with a drummer not to
    be believed.
    
    Chigaco, Hampton Coliseum (1972)....first time I saw 'em.  More of a
    jam than a tight show, but i enjoyed it.
    
    
    Worsts:
    
    WAR, noted above.  Drugged out, sloppy, couldn't give a sh*t attitude. 
    Got booed, most folks left early.
    
    Led Zeppelin, Hampton Coliseum (1970, I think).  Jimi page was not near
    ther axe-man on stage he was in the studio (at least that night).
    Disappointed in the entire show, sound mix, arrangements...sloppy at
    best.
    
    Regrets:
    
    Never saw SRV....sniff 8^(
    
    Never saw EC....might get to tho.....is Eric gonna tour again?
    
    Never saw Allmans...might get to tho
    
    Steve

    Worst :
    
                 Living Color... ( Lead guitarist is HORRIBLE on stage... )
    
                 Black Crowes....  (  so drunk they couldn't hardly play )
    
                 Joan Jett.... ( YUCK !!!!  Can't understand how she got
                                 a recording contract ).
    
                 Elvis Costello  ( Yawn :-0 )
    
    
    There's more, but these guys  ( and gal )  stuck out in my mind...

    IMHO the worst has got to be Green Day. My 10 year old son (and all of
    his friends) love these guys. 
    
    I don't mind my son having his own musical taste (in fact I encourage
    it) but I really don't like 10 year olds absorbing all the vulgarity.
    These guys use the word F**k in every other line. They sound like  
    they never made it past the Mel Bay beginner's book! Just aweful!
    
    Mark

    
    	Mark, then I suggest you avoid Body Count's solo album as well
    	as Rage Against The Machine's solo album.
    
    	More f***'s there than in a college dorm room.
    

    It never fails. Whenever we start bashing anyone, we always
    end up stepping on someone's toes. 
    
    Actually, the guy from Geen Day has okay tone, it's just the
    chords and notes that he plays that irritate me.
    
    Mark
    

    Take that back about Elvis Costello!  Once or twice a year I get in the 
    mood for him, so long as I don't hear "Pump it Up"
                                        
    I can't stand Joan Jett today, but 15 years ago, I thought was she cool
    in all that leather!  Grrrrrrr!

    
    	Hmmm, once or twice a year I also get in the mood for Elvis
    	Costello and WANT to hear "Pump It Up".
    
    	8^)