Conference 7.286::digital

    Good humor! But, these guidelines would not escape the logic that Mike
    Royko suggested to be applied to Pentagon jobs when deciding who should
    be cut and who should stay. 
    
    He said(and I paraphase from memory as the article appeared in the
    Reagan era), "If a person can not give a job descrition of their job
    from which you can figure out what it exactly is that they do or should
    do, they have to be released from their position".
    
    He started with the second floor janitor, asking, "What do you do?"
    
    "I clean the bathrooms and mop the halls on the second floor", replied
    the janitor.  
    
    "Good, get back to work!", he charged.
    
    Seeing a middle-level executive type in a office, he stuck his head in
    and asked, "What do you do?".
    
    The executive straightened his tie and said, "I facilitate the
    coordination of interaction between the governing and the governed in
    matters of defense department..."
    
    "You're fired!", interjected the questioner.
    
    
    Moral of the story: If you facilitate, coordinate, empower, etc...start
    working on a resume, ;-)
    
    Bill K.

    
    
    Write as many memos as possible.
    
    
    

	Make up stupid policies..

							mike

    
    
    Walk fast, and look worried.
    
    jwa

My contributions:

1. Be in the office.

Several years ago we had a very opinionated secretary. I work at a large
site and one week things were quiet on site so I was hanging around the office
doing paperwork. She told me that it was nice that I was "busy." I and
most people who understand why field service contracts are bought would have
thought just the oposite.

2. Put distance between yourself and anyone who works with customers. 

I remeber a field service person getting a staff job somewhere discribing 
how much he "missed" field service. I asked if why if the person missed 
the field so much why leave it? Because of the customers, they made it so
difficult. Hmmmmmm I guess we ought to come up with a different group of
people to consume our products. 

Fred Mudgett

Have lots of late nights.

That way, you show up for work looking highly overworked and bravely
soldiering on.

:)
joyce

    
    Keep a healthy arsenal of buzzwords always at the ready.
    
    Don't allow a fifteen minute period to elapse without saying
    "multi-media", "peer-to-peer LAN", "digital convergence",
    "cellular technology" or "active-matrix display" at least once.
    (Extra credit for using them all in the same sentence.)
    (You lose points for actually knowing what any of these mean.)
    

    
    
    re .2 
    
    	don't forget lots of CC to uper levels in order to make
    	your 'work' visible!
    
    							helmut

    Smile & Nod & say "we're working the issue"
    

    
    Never give a accurate and concise answer to Any question that is posed
    to you. 
    Never give an honest answer.
    

    Most importantly, never have any time for Notes.
    
    Laurie.

    Another ....
    
    Always ask for alot of data. Ask for things that aren't really clear;
    like number of lines on an order containing non-PC products, to 
    customers with a vowel in their name on odd-numbered weekdays
    divided by the average system cost. Sorted of course, by moon
    phases and geography within CBU.
    
    Once you get the data (god help the analyst who generated it) make
    alot of graphs (in color) and carry them with you, everywhere.
    
    /Bob
    

    
    DON'T FORGET....
    
    ...fixed in the next release!
    
    

       What really is bothering me is the fact that I can apply NAMES to
    individuals who emulate ALL of the useless traits noted here....
    
      JM

    Not sure where I copied this article, but figured I'd add to this
    string of notes.
    
                                FAKING IT
                        WITH WORK-CONTENT LANGUAGE

A long time bureaucrat has invented a way to let you sound as if you know 
what you're talking about.

Philip Broughton, for many years with the U.S. Public Health Service, hit 
upon what he calls the Systematic Buzz Phrase Projector.  The system 
employs these thirty buzz words:

0. integrated	       0. management	      0. Options
1. total	       1. organizational      1. flexibility
2. systematized	       2. monitored	      2. capability
3. parallel	       3. reciprocal	      3. mobility
4. functional	       4. digital	      4. programming
5. responsive	       5. logical	      5. concept
6. optional	       6. transitional	      6. time-phase
7. synchronized	       7. incremental	      7. projection
8. compatible	       8. third generation    8. hardware
9. balanced	       9. policy	      9. contingency

Broughton's procedure is simple.  Think on any three-digit number, then 
select the corresponding buzz words from each column.

For instance, number 736 produces "synchronized reciprocal time-phase," a 
phrase you can drop into any report with a ring of authority.

"Nobody will have the remotest idea what you're talking about,' he says, 
"But the important thing is that no one is about to admit it."

    .15
    
    i like this !
    
    is this copy righted? i'd like to borrow it and use it if it not?
    
    thanks a bundel!
    
    \nasser

    
    Re: .15
    
    I first saw that buzzword generator over 10 years ago.  The rest of
    the story is that the bureaucrat got fed up with his boss sending back
    every report he wrote with things to change just to remind him who the
    boss was.  He developed the buzz word generator, started using it, and
    his reports stopped coming back for changes.
    
    Steve
    

    Someone sent the following to me years ago.  I wrote a program to
    generate these random strings; still have it somewhere...
    
[forwards deleted...]

                  Random Strings of TechnoLatin
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Doc Searls, Vice President and Diretor of
Public Relations, Hodskins Simone & Searls, Inc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------   
The Generic Desription Table on the next page is what we
give to all our clients who are tempted to describe what they
do using a generic language that we call TechnoLatin.  It's a
table of words that are (or have been made by frequent use) so
imprecise that they are easy to use.  Like the blank tiles in
Scrabble, you can put them anywhere but they have no value.

All the words and expressions in the table were chosen to meet
precisely that criterion: to have no value.  My favorite value-free
term is "solution."  There are others we hate just as much, I am
sure.  "Customer-driven" is one."  "Transparent" is another.

It's fun putting together random strings of modifiers (including
"adnouns" -- nouns that serve as modifiers), such as "virtually
seamless object network strategy" and "incrementatly intelligent
workgroup process topology vendor."  The table lets you mix and
match your own.

The frightening thing is, you can add across any row and get
what sounds like a credible slogan.  There's "progressively
incremental developer interface" and "platform objective supplier."

See how many existing slogans you can find in the table.


                       Generic Description Table

ADVERBS        ADJECTIVES      ADNOUNS           NOUNS           PREFIXES
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fully          alternative     access            achitecture     hyper-
highly         automated       application(s)    area            multi-
extremely      committed       area              business        power-
virtually      complete        automation        configuration   truly-
graphically    comprehensive   business          connection      turbo
interactively  configured      communications    design
digitally      customer-driven computing         division
incrementally  dedicated       configuration     environment
jointly        digital         connectivity      exchange
modularly      environmental   control           facility
openly         extend(si)able  core              function
operationally  functional      data              generation
proactively    graphical       decision          implementation
progressively  incremental     developer         interface
seamlessly     independent     device            level
transparently  integrated      engine            market
uniquely       intelligent     enterprise        media
visually       interactive     exchange          method
               interoperable   expert            module
               joint           groupware         network
               key             industry          operation
               leading         information       platform
               leveraged       integration       process
               major           level             procesor
               market-driven   management        product
               modular         market            protocol
               object-oriented marketing         provider
               objective       media             resource
               open            methods           sector
               operational     multimedia        service
               overall         network           solution
               personal        object            strategy
               platform        objective         supplier
               proactive       personal          system
               progressive     processing        technology
               rule-based      protocol          tool(s)
               seamless        support           topology
               sophisticated   system(s)         vendor
               standards-based technology
               state-of-the-art user
               streamlined     vendor
               transparent     workgroup
    
    

    .15  I have no idea if this is copy righted material or not.  It was
         just something I had seen and typed up, and filed away.  I've had
         it for about 8 years.
    
    Julie
    

.6> Have lots of late nights.

.6> That way, you show up for work looking highly overworked and bravely
.6> soldiering on.
    
    Joyce's suggestion reminds me of a guy I used to work with.   He always
    made a big deal about how many all nighters he did, and the amazing
    amount of work he accomplished.
    
    His method was that that he asked other people in the group to do some
    of his work, because he was too busy.  Also, I'm not really sure that
    he worked all those nights he claimed he did.  No one else was there,
    of course.
    
    But he sure could talk a good line.  He was eventually booted for
    participating in an illegal activity in the office.
    
    I actually saw him on tv a few months ago, peddling software of dubious
    merit.  He certainly impressed the tv reporter.
    
    The really productive people don't make a big deal of it.
    
    -Steve

Seen on the wall of an past F&A Consultant:

	Give them a date or a dollar amount, but never both.

    At least twenty years ago when I worked at Honeywell Info Systems, we
    published a small card called the "Buzz Word Generator".  It contained
    three columns with about 7 or 8 words per column.  Wish I still had
    one.  Obviously, the words back then were much different than those
    seen in this notes file.
    
    CW

    I got my copy from Honeywell back in 1967 when I was on course at their
    training school in London, England.  
    
    Surprisingly, the words are identical to those in the earlier example.
    
    -Gerry

   Deadwood's Guide
   ----------------

   1. Do not work on anything that can be placed in a box, be sold or
      used internally.

   2. Learn these very important words and phrases:

         -- Architecture
         -- Process Strategy Re-orientation with Market Re-assessment Cycles
         -- Process Quality Enhancement Task Force
         -- Aligning Corporate Goals with Individual Needs with particular
            reference to Motivational Theories
         -- Strategic Program Management of Organizational Direction  

   3. Do not read any of Personal-computer or technical publications.
      Never ever read PC Magazine.

   4. Walk around with a frown on your face, spend a couple of hours in
      the cafeteria, expressing your opinions on how "so-and-so" is
      deadwood, shake your head disapprovingly and say " I don't know
      how they still keep him/her around".

  You should be all set!

  Nari 

A very serious word missing from these lists is "impactful".
I know it has great credibility 'cause I heard a guy on NPR
say it.

You forgot the software engineer's number one line: I'm waiting
for the build to finish (which I am...what do you mean the
compile bombed 20 minutes ago?!?)

    
    I've always liked (not) using the word dialogue as a verb.
    
    As in, "well, we'll sit down and dialogue on that subject."
    
    Or, when walking fast and looking worried, you could say
    "<insert the name of your favorite high-level manager here> and
     I were dialoguing on that very subject just yesterday."
    
    Glenn

    You also have to liaise a lot.
    
    Then when you liaise, you can dialogue too.

	Ever seen a memo from any VP and above without the word "Leadership"?

    
        Don't forget "paradigm".  Goes very well with "leverage" as 
        candidates for the most over-used technobabble.
    

    The standard joke in our office is that a 'paradigm' is one nickel 
    short of a quarter, and that a 'paradigm shift' is moving two
    dimes from your left pocket to your right pocket...
    
    Ahhhhh, the joy of LEX.....

    What about proactive?  I thought *that* was supposed to *the* word.
    Mind you, I never keep up with these things.
    
    :)
    joyce

    TQM or Six Sigma.
    
    Right, if it is mentioned then it probably isn't being practiced.
    
    Jim C.
    

    I received this memo 'thru the managment chain', and have 'sanitized'
    it to keep the notes police from jumping me - generating make-work 
    memos to get people to waste their time is another way for deadwood to
    keep a job here at Digital - enjoy, Ds.
    
    
    
    TO: @ALLMGR
    
    Many of you still have not changed the department field in your ALL-IN-1 
    mail header to "Digital Consulting."  Please do so immediately.  Following 
    is some help on how to do so.
    
    Review the ALL-IN-1 mail headers for your account and those of your 
    employees to ensure that they are correct.  Follow the following format:
    
                                        From:     <example of Deadwood>
                                        Dept:     Digital Consulting
                                        Tel No:   <phone no. of deadwood>
    
    Note that the location code follows the name, the department field is set 
    to "Digital Consulting" rather than something else, and both the internal 
    and external phone numbers are included.  The location code should be your 
    current location code -- if you have moved, please update this field.
    
    Phone numbers can be changed using US followed by SPD from ALL-IN-1.  For 
    the other fields, in some locations you can change them yourself using SOM 
    followed by LOC or DEPT.  In other locations, you may need to get your 
    local system manager to make the changes for you.
    
    
    (like the local system manager of a 2000 user cluster has nothing
    better to do with his time.... sheeesh!)

    re: .2
    
    Writing memos is dangerous.  Better to forward whatever drivel comes
    your way.
    
    FYI...