Conference 7.286::digital

Amen.

    
    	Great, great and great.
    
    	How about:
    
    		NETWORKING - Low Management (as opposed to Middle) term
    	used to describe one's ability to substitute effort for substance,
    	or loyality for ability. Also a synonym for INTERFACING (which
    	tends to be NETWORKING's ruder elements).
    
    		PARTNERING - Management term now used to inadequately
    	describe a company's inability to sell their own products
    	themselves.
    
    		And VALIDATION - the *new* term to describe one's
    	inability to complete their own tasks in reference to their
    	opinion on how someone else is completing theirs.
    
    		Hey, this IS fun. ;-)
    
    			the Greyhawk
    
    		 

I once described EMPOWERMENT as "putting a dog on a leash and telling
it to run as far as it can."  That's all I dare say.

    Try this:
    
    FACILITATE     Attending a meeting with the goal of 
                   getting everyone else to do the work
    
    COMPENTENTCY   Special skills that we tell customers we 
    		   have but really don't
    
    AFFINITY       A group of consultants with like compentencies
                   but with different goals and managers
    
    GOALED	   When they want to say "measured" but know there
                   is no possible way to measure or reward a consultant
     
                  

>    GOALED         When they want to say "measured" but know there
>                   is no possible way to measure or reward a consultant

No no no.  It's a simple typo, it should read "gaoled".

(Consult nearest English, and I mean English, dictionary).

DIALOG	- The mutual exchange of meaningless cliches.

REENGINEERING - What you have to do when you screwed up your first attempt
		at engineering.

EMPOWERED - An employee with an up to date resume.

Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
      
 1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED --
         We are still pissing in the wind.
 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM --
         We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION --
         We know who to blame.
 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH --
         It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED --
         We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it
	 delivered.
 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE --
         The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING  --
         We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED --
         The only person who understood the thing quit.
 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS --
         It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT --
         Forget it!  We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL --
         Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING --
         We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
	 with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION --
         I can't wait to hear this bullshit!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS --
         Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW --
         Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED --
         Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT --
         Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT --
         One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING --
         Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE --
         Impossible to fix if broken.

    RE-ENGAGE EMPLOYEE MORALE - we've fixed the uncertainty of continuing
    employment for at least 50% of the staff, by firing them.

    From recent common experience try these 2!!
    
    21. WE'LL TRY AND GET YOU AN OPTION SWAP --
    	    This is going to be as available as rocking horse s***!
    22. WE HAVE AN OPTION SWAP AVAILABLE --
    	    We will get you another device which has more faults than
    yours!!!!

    OUTSOURCE:  ???
    
    ed

    OUTSOURCE:  "Hit the bricks"
                "Call me Toby"
                "Employee Sale - 15% off"
                "Redeployment of contributing resources to local economy"

Related to outsourcing:

"YOU ARE VALUED BUT NOT PART OF OUR CORE STRATEGY:"

   "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" - Jake Blues

    
    	These are great - already put .8 on my cubicle (yes, I still have
    one:-)) wall.
    
    	
    		How 'bout:
    
    			TECHNICAL SEMINAR: A one-day event geared to
    			confuse even your best engineering resources.
    
    			SALES TRAINING: A Technical Seminar for 3-year-olds
    
    			TARGETED ACCOUNTS: Companies whose checks don't
    			bounce.
    
    		Keep it up. This IS fun.
    
    			the Greyhawk

    And a little help with this...
    
    			SYNERGY
    
    I've never been able to use it in a sentence, although I have to admit
    I've seen it called out as a project activity.
    

    SYNERGY - the thrill you feel when breaking the rules in order to "do
              the right thing". Second spelling SIN-ERGY.

    
    	Or in keeping with our engineering focus -
    
    	SYNERGY - the search for common part numbers beyond power cord
    	plugs for more than one product.
    
    
    		the Greyhawk

    	PAY RAISE	
    		Formerly looked forward to.  Presently seen as an
    historical concept for rewarding mis-management.

SELF MANAGED:  A misspelled version of SELF-MANGLED

EMPOWER:       Managememt's way of foisting off their responsibilities
	       onto the worker-bees

COACH:	       What I would have expected if I had joined a little league
               team rather than a corporation

This is toooo funny!

Liz

    
    	INTEGRATION: What one does with the left-over parts.
    
    	DIS-INTEGRATION: What one does when the left over parts work.
    
    	RE-INTEGRATION: What one does if the left over parts don't work.
    	
    	STAKEHOLDERS: Former employees
    
    	MIDDLEWARE: When underware isn't appropriate
    
    
    	Have a fun weekend fellow DECcies. I love this place!!
    
    
    		the Greyhawk
    
    		
    
    	

These were contributed by a non-DECcie in Washington:

Something must be done!!   Used to justify riding roughshod over common sense.

More needs to be done.     Used after some of our previous phrases which hide
                           the fact that a situation is hopeless or has been
                           grossly mismanaged or both.

I showed him our list (minus headers, etc.) and he sent us these two gems.

    Here are a few that in MHO seem to go hand-in-hand;
    
    
    Impacted = What the worker bee feels after some "Genius" makes a real
               stupid decision based on something.. 
    
    
    Whatever it takes = "See above"
    
    
    
    Jeff

    	How's 'bout:
    
    "SETTING THE CUSTOMER'S EXPECTATIONS" where management (usually) 
    tells the customer "there's not a snowball's chance in hell we'll do what 
    you want" in a diplomatic fashion. 
    
    	This is where the tail wags the dog at its finest.
    
    Phil

    Ok, Lets try this once more;
    
    " OPPORTUNITY "  Do we have a headache for you.....

    Whats an "OPPORTUNITY"? Certainly nothing within digital!

Opted Tune Ditty

    
    BUSINESS AND MARKET FOCUS
    
    That's what you do when you split the information security business
    into:
    - Contingency planning in SI
    - Business Protection Services in MCS
    - Firewall engineering in OMS
    - Firewall services in SI
    
    Customers and the competition love this sort of dedicated focus based
    on 
    marketing priciples and customer focus.
    
    Information Security as I see it
    
    C.I.A. stand for Confidentiality
                     Integrity
                     Availability
    
    Now is        Confusion
                  Internal competition
                  All focus lost
    
    
    
    

    For those interested, the article quoted came from the Feb 20, 1995
    FORTUNE - Volume 131, No. 3

Two more from Washington:

The subject is under consideration  --  We've lost the file.
The subject is under active consideration -- We're looking for the file.

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                  aorta

         
         ALL NEW .................... The software is not compatible 
                                      with previous versions
         
         ADVANCED DESIGN ............ Upper management doesn't 
                                      understand it
         
         BREAKTHROUGH ............... It nearly booted on the first 
                                      try
         
         NEW ........................ Different colours from previous 
                                      version
         
         DESIGN SIMPLICITY .......... Developed on a shoe string 
                                      budget
         
         EXCLUSIVE .................. We're the only ones who have the 
                                      documentation
         
         FIELD TESTED ............... Manufacturing doesn't have a 
                                      test system
         
         FOOLPROOF OPERATION ........ All parameters are hard coded
         
         FUTURISTIC ................. It will only run on the next 
                                      generation super-computer
         
         HIGH ACCURACY .............. All the directories compare
         
         IT'S HERE AT LAST .......... We've released a 26 week project 
                                      in 48 weeks
         
         MAINTENANCE FREE ........... Impossible to fix
         
         MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS .... It compiles without errors
         
         PERFORMANCE PROVEN ......... Works through Beta Test
         
         REVOLUTIONARY .............. Disk drives go round and round
         
         SATISFACTION GUARANTEED .... We'll send you another copy if 
                                      it fails
         
         STOCK ITEM ................. We shipped it once before, and 
                                      we can do it again, probably
         
         UNMATCHED .................. Almost as good as the 
                                      competition
         
         UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE .. Nothing ever ran this slow 
                                      before
         
         YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT ....... We finally got one to work


    

    
    	re: -1
    
    	ANOTHER wall poster. These are great.!!!!:*)
    
    		the Greyhawk

    
    RUNS DIAGNOSTICS ERROR FREE - diagnostics have been modified to not
    				  report those pesky errors

    LEADERSHIP PRODUCT 
    - WE HAVE THE BEST PRODUCT AND THE (fifth) HIGHEST MARKET SHARE

I attended a presentation from some MIT folks a while back.
They were presenting the latest technology from the media-lab and
AI department. If I recall correctly, the presenter who related the following
cliche was the Director of the MIT AI department.

I fired a few questions about the technology being discussed, and
how they came to be classified as Artificial Intelligence. Things like
stereoscopic glasses, etc. seemd to diverge from my understanding of
the initial goals of AI.

He said that the direction of AI had changed over the last few years.
His outlook was that...

	"AI = Anything Interesting."

    BEST IN CLASS:  No one's willing to admit they are SECOND CLASS
    
    GLOBAL ECONOMY:  Everyone out there who is Kicking our Butts
    
    5th GENERATION MANAGEMENT:  What number we are on
    
    20/20 VISION:  What we are looking for
    
    UBIQUITOUS:  That $64K word that means, "They got it and we don't"
    

    I can't believe that I hav'nt seen this before!! Just when you think
    you cant have any fun anymore at Dec, you run across something like
    this to make your day. Too bad there aren't any more entries since way
    back in Feb or Mar. I definately will post some of these, they will
    also be great for the next Change Forum propaganda meeting.

SYNERGY - desperate hope that combining two or more useless projects
will yield meaningful results.

Pete

         Please join me in damning forever that brain-dead, tired, second 
    hand, third rate phrase.  It reminds me of "Thank you for not 
    smoking", calculated to infuriate.

    Well, now we're all on the same page, at least.

But are we "in bed together" on this? And tied out? 

>                      <<< Note 3668.39 by CHEFS::PARRYD >>>
>                             -< "Please join me" >-
>
>         Please join me in damning forever that brain-dead, tired, second 
>    hand, third rate phrase.  It reminds me of "Thank you for not 
>    smoking", calculated to infuriate.

	You BET! 	;^)

I'm sorry I can't participate in this discussion.  I have too many things on my
plate.

Paul

    This note is just a dog's breakfast.