Conference 7.286::digital

    You have to simultaneously timeshare your laptop and
    you get to use the QWERT columns and your timesharee
    gets the YUIOP columns.

    When your request to make use of Digital's open door policy
    is returned with the word "front" scribbled in between "open"
    and "door"

    Your office has just been co-located at the waiting room of
    the Greyhound bus station because of "easy customer accessibility".

    Some guy from an upstart company called TALIDIG walks in
    asking if he can buy up all your neon signs...

    
    
    	...when your Mom calls to tell you she heard Digital just filed for
    bankruptcy.
    
    
    
    	
    
    
    
    	...when your bank calls you at work concerning your "current"
    credit, and then wants to know if your Mom is right.
    
    
    
    
    			the Greyhawk

    ... a CNN satellite truck pulls up outside corporate headquarters,
    and it's Christiana Amanpour doing the reporting ...

    
    ... when you call sales and have to hang up because your too tired of
    pressing 0, which just moves you to the next voice mail...
    
    true story - over 5 times, gave it up

    Re: Press 0
    
    Sales Reps are not supposed to be in the office (Ideally) but in front
    of customers. Voice mail is a tool that allows a rep to remotely
    retrieve msgs. If you had found a secretary (not a lot left in some
    places), the written note may not get the attention of the person you
    were trying to reach for several days when that person did return to
    the office.

    ... you see a Help Wanted ad that starts out by saying:
    
    	"Believe it or not there are some DEC shops still hiring."
    
    	- Boston Sunday Globe, July 31, 1994, Page A43, column 8
    

    ...You find out that your new site code is BYE.
    
    

    ... your boss stops by your office, sees a PostIt note half-full of
    scribblings and asks, "You done with that?"   ;^)
    
    Steve

You come into work and find out that all the furniture in the office has
been sold to the new renters.... :-)

   ...you have to follow a truck load of parking meters into the parking
   lot first thing Monday morning.

	When you pick up the phone and dial DTN 675-xxxx and it is
	answered ;

		"Thank you for calling Hewlett Packard sales ...."


Happened to me this morning

    
    .......you see a change machine in the rest rooms, after all you need
    change to use the new pay toilets.
    
    Mike

    You see a notes topic entitled
    
       "You know we're in trouble when..."

    ... and it's the only active note!

    ... you go find PCs for rent by the hour in the cafeteria.

    
    ........when you go to log in on your account and you don't have an
    account anymore....
    
    OR 
    
    ........you call the suicide hot line and they put you on hold....
    
    truly
    
    hoRNEt
    

    You have Coffee with your friends at the Cafeteria in PKO3 and you are
    the ONLY Dec employee at the table.
    
    tony

Good news  Bad news

The good news for you oar pullers is that you're getting an extra ration
of crusty bread for lunch.

The bad news is that the Emperor wants to go water skiing after lunch.

Worse news: the rats have eaten your lunch and the Emperor wants to 
take his Senators skiing, too.

You run your badge through the reader and it flashes the reject
code, and your first thought is 'am I out'a here?'

	Joe

    ... 19 people tell you they heard the latest bad news about Digital on
    CNN -- and they really *did*!
    
    -Mark

    ...and it was??

    
    
    
    when a product that we sold to a customer last week is no longer
    suppoerted this week...and the engineering group has all left the
    company or gone on to other 'things'....
    :-(

    ...when the cubes all around yours have "For Rent" signs on them.

When you worry more about whether they'll let you out the building than in...

Dave ;-)

    When a helium ballon explodes 6 cubes away and your first reaction is
    Who's gone "Postal"*, and your second reaction is to look to see which
    way the shooting is being aimed to you can make your escape by another
    route (true story!).  
    
    	* = "going Postal" is a new USA term describing when a US Post
    			Office Employee goes crazy and starts shooting any
    			and all persons at work or wherever...the cause is
    			usually decribed as job-related.  

You pull into the LKG parking late for work at 9:30 AM and get the
first space right by the door.



And the far end of the parking lot has been sold for a new Burger King.

RE "going Postal": you're relieved when you find Security
installing metal detectors...and the Littleton SWAT team
(both officers!) eats its donuts in the lobby. Anybody
for a kevlar briefcase?

    three years ago you were desk sharing and now you've got a choice of
    four ...
    
    Euan
    

    wish you had CNN on your telly !
    
    	Euan

    
    
    
    
    
    
    You find a customer who wants and needs a Digital solution, but there
    isn't anyone left to help you price and configure -- they've all been
    TFSO'd or quit.
    
    You manage, by the grace of God and a little creativity, to configure
    and price the customer's s solution, and discover that you can't send
    them the quote, because your printer has been broken for two weeks, and
    one remaining in-house engineer hasn't had time to fix it yet.
    
    Your customer is ready to buy the solution you laboriously configured,
    and somehow managed to print, but you can't find a pen to "ink the 
    deal" with, because of "cost constraints". 
    
    
    -:)
    
    m.

    
    ....your boss asks you which office you'ld like since we've rented out
    all the cubes to a travel agency.
    
    
    ...when you get an All-in-One from Personnel cancelling direct payroll
    deposit
    
    
    ...your expense report is eaten by Digital
    
    
    ...Digital News & Report announces it is covering other vendors
    starting immediately...and they cancel your subscription.
    
    
    		the Greyhawk

You're working down your supply of business cards, and the only
thing still correct is your last name and the state you work in,
because

1) they misspelled your first name to begin with
2) you've been reorganized into a new job as a new group
   in a new facility
3) you've returned your beeper (ok, so I haven't had to carry
   one in ages anyway)
4) and the corporate logo has changed!

	FOR SALE, CHEAP: One box obsolete business cards, printed
	one side only, ideal for use as Post-It replacements,
	bookmarks, or blocking the latches on doors in fancy
	office buildings in Washington, DC. Please mark out
	printing before use.

    .. everyone is talking about next weekend, on Monday

    
     your customer asks what's a spork.....
    
    -Mike Z.

    
        ... and you read in the (Boston) Globe's interview with Enrico 
        Pesatori that the business division you think you're in will be 
        laying off 14,000 out of 35,000 before you ever hear or read any
        internal communication from him or the management chain (but 
        that's OK because some news just trickled down two weeks later) ...
    
    
        Peter
    

    ...the FDDI that was installed 18 months ago at a $300k expense now
    goes through 2 buildings you don't own.

    > your customer asks what's a spork.....
    >
    >-Mike Z.
    
    Yeah, it's a rathole, but: the ZKO cafeteria has soup spoons again.

You think you're in trouble 
	When you show up late for a 10 am meeting at the MILL and the only
	vehicles in the parking lot is a white Porche , a security car,
	and a "Fleet" tow truck.

You 'know' you're in trouble 
	When you find out that the tow truck driver turns out to be
	the Repo man from Fleet Bank and he is asking the security guide
	if "a Mr Palmer is in".

You know you're in trouble 
	-  When you finally see a Digital add on television and they
		give the number "900-DIGITAL"

	-  When you find out that the "NYSE" that DEC stock is list
	on stands for North Yeman Sunflower Exchange.

	-  When Timex decides to use the term "non-analog time piece" just
	so their watches won't be confused with DIGITAL"

	-  When you realize that Palmer transposed the numbers when he
	stated that we were going to reduce the workforce by 20,000 and
	keep 65,000 employees. 

    ...there are 44 replies to this note.

    ...a customer calls the CSC to escalate a problem and the CSC escalates
    it to the field (so someone can go on-site) and the field specialist
    calls the CSC and logs the same call!
    
    << Happened to someone in the CSC this morning...:-) >>

    ... when you slide your badge through the card reader to unlock the
    door only to find it sounds an alarm.
    
    ... when you slide your badge through the card reader and all the
    lights go dim.
    
    ... when you find your name plate being used as a door stop.
    
    ... when you find your name plate on a bathroom stall door.
    
    ... when you face fades away on your badge (remember "Back to the
    Future").
    
    ... when the cleaning people arrive at your cube with a two wheeler and
    a large barrel.
    
    ... when David Lettermen uses "Why Digital is failing" as a top ten
    topic and your name is reason #1.
    
    ... when you call Bob Palmer, get voice mail, press 0, and the person
    answers, "Custodial Engineering, how may I help you".
    
    ... when your paycheck arrives with the words "DEMO UNIT ONLY, NOT FOR
    RESALE" stamped acrossed it.
    
    ... when your paycheck arrives and the instructions to tear off the
    first edge points to a serrated line down the middle.
    
    and last (but not least)
    
    
    
    
    ... when the SLT creates a new division called LED ...
    
    
    
    
    
    
    ...  Layoff Employee Division
    
    
    
    
    greg_t
    
    

 ... you read this notesfile to cheer you up.

     <<< Note 3282.47 by CSC32::D_RODRIGUEZ "Midnight Falcon ..." >>>
    
     ... you read this notesfile to cheer you up.
    
    
     
    
    	Well, it's given me a few laughs!  You didn't put a smiley, so I
    assume that you were serious.
    
    				Malcolm.

    ...when news about layoffs at Digital is reported after the bit about
    the cat stuck up a tree.

    ... when you join (yes, I did a year ago..), they don't give you
    business cards so you use those of your previous employer, with their
    name crossed out and 'Digital' scribbled on in your best handwriting.
    
    Hell of a way to impress a customer.
    
    True too.
    
    [But I've got some Digital ones now !]

    when you need to escalate a serious problem on a supported product and
    find out that there is no engineering team left :-(
    
    Actually I don't know of a product that is currently in this state, but
    it has happened at least three times in the last four years.
    
    Peter

    
    ...when you outsource support for a product and can't find the code...
    
    customer still waiting for a DIGITALdecision fix!

    ...you get a Reader's Choice mail message that says: "The Readers
    Choice Program Office records indicate you have recently
    transferred to a new organization.  We encourage you to review your
    Readers Choice profile and make any modifications appropriate to 
    support your new role."
    
    Huh?  I've been in this same position for 2 years ...I think...I hope?
    
    --Gina
    

    ...the realtors are out front taking pictures...
    
    ed

    ... The Captain of the ship tells you your sinking, but rather than
    order you to man the pumps he tells you to swim for it!
    

    ...the voice mail replies, "There are no more messages." - followed by
    a strange ripping sound [and the line goes dead]. 
    
    ...a family of mice have moved into the cube next to yours.
    
    ...the Nature Conservancy has announced plans to preserve your site for
    its value as threatened and endangered species habitat. 
    

    
    ...you can't stop reading this conference.

    Re: .-1
    
    
    That's absolute true! You pick up more information here than elsewere
    
    	Ach!m (1/82800 DECital)

    ...you receive a letter from Digital via U.S. mail; and the letter
    begins,
    
    
    	"Dear SAVE Participant,
    
    	We were recently informed of your termination/retirement from
    	Digital...."
    
    This happened to me last week, and the really sad part is, my wife
    opened the letter, read it, and handed it to me with a very shocked
    look on her face...
    
    Then, as if to twist the knife, when I told one of the people involved
    in the SAVE program, she laughed hysterically!
    
    Rough week.

    You try to check into a hotel while out of town to deliver training and
    your corporate card is declined because the card provider has been
    informed of your termination. Happenned to a friend at another, now
    defunct, company.

    When the timeframe for returning to profitability keeps slipping from
    quarter to quarter.
    
    When you stay in the stock purchase just to reduce your average cost
    of shares.
    
    When the stock purchase plan gets changed to employee depreciation
    fund.

.... when the only Corporate direction you can share with customers is 
     "Buy from us... we've got round dots on our 'i''s now!"

    ... when you realize that if the price of a share gets in the $2-3 range,
    the cost of selling it will outweigh any likely profit from ESPP.

    .. when all your collegues have very up-to-date resumes.
    
    .. when people insists that a job with a start-up is "too risky"

    .. when your neighbour's kid has more power in his $2.5K home computer
       than you have in your VAXcluster.

    ... when you call 1-800-722-9332 (Digital), and after giving them your
    name, address and phone number, you tell them that you are a Digital
    employee, you're told 'we don't send catalogs to Digital employees'.
    

  When the company president says they can't afford to buy toilet paper for the
men's room, and you will have to bring your own (this happened to a friend of
mine at a small company just before it folded).

  When you tell someone you work for Digital and he says, "Oh I know them, they
USED TO make watches."

	returning to the office

	- building maintenance is removing the letters D I G I T A L  from 
		the outside of the building...

	- your office has been moved one floor down; presumably to not be
		closer to Oracle...

	- your manager has taken a new job outside of the company...

	- your login.com automatically runs the Word 6.0 resume Wizzard...

    re .-1
    
    >> - your login.com automatically runs the Word 6.0 resume Wizzard... 
    
    I like this one (known user of the resume Wizard).
    
    
    You know your in trouble when ...
    
    ... you spend late hours on a proposal and you ask yourself why and
    there is no answer.
    
    greg_t 
    

    
    You find that your new primary health care provider is Dr. Kevorkian.

    ... you look at the clock and realize that, dang!, there's not enough
    time left to make a Taco Bell run for dinner ...  At least I'm having
    fun with what I'm working on.  :)
    
    Steve

    
     your customer after YEARS of haggling, finally wants modifications to
    an existing contract to include all the latest and greatest software,
    services, and ALPHA hardware units.
    
     But you don't have a sales rep anymore, and you don't know if "one
    will be assigned".
    
    -Sigh,
    Mike Z.

re .66

Well, of course they don't send catalogues to employees.

With the restrictions on certain paper purchases, the
catalogue would surely end up hanging on a nail in the
outhouse!

    .... the bean counters have to start counting beans.

    
    RE: .71 (No Time to go to Taco Bell)
    
    It might be more profitable if you make the time...
    
    An article in todays Newsday (Long Island N.Y. Paper) noted that a
    visit there netted two individuals just under $2K (the day's receipts)
    which were inadvertently placed into a paper bag and left on the shelf 
    for drive-through orders.  
    
    The "innocent" customers apparently DID NOT return to get their
    meximelts !
    
    Just another rat-hole :-)
    
    Adios, 
    Don

	You know we're in trouble when Dr. Kevorkian
	is elected to the DIGITAL's Board.


	(do you get the feeling with the sale of
	parts of the company that someone filled out
	an organ donar card for DEC, and when we
	changed to DIGITAL the doctor must have thought
	we were dead and started giving away the
	parts that were still functioning) 

			:^(

    ...when you're working at home so you can use the C++ compiler on your
    PC to write and debug programs for an OSF system, because the PC
    compiler has better more accurate error messages and runs faster
    besides . .  . 
    
    --bonnie

When you are walking through Kmart and the announcement comes over the PA
system "Attention corporate shoppers, we have a special on Digital Equipment
Corporation in isle 6"

or

When you are watching late night TV self improvement shows and a man comes on
and says "I bought Digital Equipment Corporation for NO MONEY DOWN, and 
walked away with money in my pocket!"

	Joe

    ...when you are working with a large customer to try to sell him a
    large messaging solution...and it is easier to sell him the Digital
    Mail Business instead...

    .. When the Mets have more wins then the entire sales force...
    
    ray j.

    hey ray!~  Watch that attitude!  ;^)
    
    STILL here! STILL fighting all the stupidity that STILL exists....STILL
    have more wins than losses, STILL not enough of us around to do the job
    adaquately, even if I use the STILL of the night to do it!
    
    and of course, STILL the same ole Chet!
    
    how you been?
    
    Parrot_Trooper

    ... when they stopped planting flowers in the mulch beds outside our 
    building (there's just a lot of empty mulch... at least flowers would 
    dress up the building for possible lease or sale...!)
    
    ...when they decided not to put the bicycle rack out in the "cycle"
    parking area and you have a heated exchange with a motorcyclist about
    parking your bicycle there first thing in the morning! (yup, happened
    to me this morning and I'm still pissed!)
    
    

    yo CHET!
    
    ya still got that blow-up doll we gave ya?
    
    tony
    8*)

    
    	...the Cubs have won the World Series, and you still don't have
    	   your 1st Quarter FY95 budget.
    
    	...Horace Grant has signed with Knicks, and you don't know who
    	   your manager is.
    
    
    		the Greyhawk

    
    ..when   Datapoint's stock price is more than ours
    
             Wang's
    
             
    
    
    ...when you see your office furniture for sale on Home Shopping Channel
    
    
    
    
    
    ...Letterman substitutes DIGITAL for Butofuocco 

    ...the janitor's job looks like more fun than yours...

    When it takes 2 VPs, 2 Group Managers & a Financial Manager to approve
    your travel to convince a customer to buy from Digital or to convince
    a leading software developer to port to Digital.
    
    Mark
    

    ...when a shredder attachment is installed on the digital badge reader
    at the front door.

    ...when you're at lunch and a bunch of tecchies from Lockheed-Sanders
    are lamenting that their project looks like it's heading down the
    tubes, and there aren't a lot of other options in the company, and they
    all sigh and look glum, and then one of them brightens and says, "At
    least we don't work for Digital..."
    
    --bonnie

	You know we're in trouble when...

	...the tip on your pencil breaks and your manager refers you to
	   the personnel policy on "destruction of company assets".

	...you find a coin slot on your PC.

	...the company signs a co-marketing agreement with AMWAY.

	...you start paying attention to those Sally Struthers Career
	   Institute commercials.

	...you call Domino's to have a pizza delivered to your office and
	   they ask you to "come pick it up".

	...you find that the best printer in the office has been reserved
	   for resume printing.

	...the cafeteria manager considers green bananas a risky investment.

	...three-letter acronyms are replaced by two-letter acronyms.

	...you make a doctor's appointment and during the course of the
           conversation, let slip you work for Digital and have it met
           with "Oh, in that case, let me see if I can find a time that's
           not so far out."

   .... you get a Damark catalogue and the front page is hyping the big 
	discount Damark got from buying out one of our systems that was
	just announced last month and the small print says they are all 
	factory serviced.

    ... you look at the balance sheet and say "well, it ain't so bad".

    ...when you find a memo proposing a return to 2 letter site codes.

...When someone has to check to be sure you were just joking when
you made that smart-aleck remark about the parking lot being
sold for a Burger King...

ThIs iz an ANOnYmoUS pOstINg.  i Doo NOt wAnt pEoPle TOKNOW:: it iz
mE sew i M diGUisIng mY tYpeWRitInG sO my mAnaGEMent duhZZent nO
i aM rIghTINg tHis.  i dOO noT wANt THEM tWo notICE mE eND h0Pe
tHeY CannOT rEeD to gOOd.  i JusT wANT tOo sAY hOW Sad it iz tWo
seE s0 mANY nIcE pEEpLeS GeT lAiD ofF.  i M beINg tReATed wELl.
i wAS NOt hUngRY aNyWAy.  eNd tHE fROsT oN thE wALl iz VeRy pReTtY.
gO0dByE NiCe pEEpLeS B cUz i wIlL B oN vACaTiON s0On.

mR. yOu-CAn'T-sEE-mE aNoNyMous

Re: .97

Nasser?  Iz dat u?

8-)

    
    Nah, Nasser never used periods.  Remember all of his sentences ran
    together.  But it might be one of his relatives. :-)
    
    Ken
    

    
    	...when Mom calls again wanting to know why you haven't found 	
    	   another job yet.
    
    	
    		the Greyhawk	

When the UK top man gets promoted for making less money

         ...when Yogi Berra is chosen as our corporate spokesperson.

    RE: .102
    
    Alan, that's not funny.
    
    Laurie$seen_the_anouncement.

	You know we're in trouble when...
	
	...Bob Geldorf and Willie Nelson collaborate on a concert called
	   DECaid.

	...the producers of the TV show "Rescue 911" inquire about filming
	   an episode at your facility.

	...your manager tells you that building evacuation during fire
	   alarms is now optional.

	...your "Belmont Springs" water dispenser is replaced with one 
	   labeled "Mill Stream".

	...you see an episode of "Married...With Children" in which Al
	   Bundy leaves his job at the shoe store to became a Digital VP.


				Okay, so they can't all be gems.  8^)

Re .105: Where can I get tix to DECaid?

"Rescue 911" really did film an episode at the hospital where
my wife works recently. Apparently they just wanted the setting,
they used their own talent. She coulda been a star!

Now, when "America's Most Wanted" shows up, then I'll be worried.

The problem is that we're America's *least* wanted.

    I dunno, they could be looking the last remaining salesman, a
    qualified VP, the person who fixes the plumbing leaks, ...
    
    There's a lot of missing persons here...
    (or not here depending on how you look at it.)
    
    ed

	... when Bob Palmer bought stock in the Boston Globe, expecting 
	    an increase in subscription to the Sunday employment section.

    ...you're asked to start picking up your mail at node TFSO::
    

    ... you work for DC

        Kelly Bundy, from Married...With Children, is hired as the senior
        development engineer for the software product you support.
        
        8-(

    re: .111 I resemble that remark.

    ...Bob Palmer suddenly starts thanking you for the broad
    experience you brought to the company.

    .. when a 10 years award of excellence plaque ends up in the drawer

    .. when work related disucssions at lunch revolve around your next job
       outside of Digital

    re: .115
    
    Just to add to your statement...
    
    ".. when a 10 years award of excellence plaque ends up in the drawer"
    
    >>>Right below your 15 year plaque

    When you don't even get a 5 year pen, never mind a 10 year plaque!

    When engineers start a new string reminiscing about antiquated machines
    and languages, rather than raving about current developments.....
                 

    When you don't even get an acknowledgement after 20 years (last year),
    much less a thank you!  None of us in that category did!

    You decide to trade your vintage DEC Rainbow in for a current
    DEC PC, and you discover that Digital's allowance for a Rainbow
    is $100 LESS than for a comparable IBM PC!
    
    (true)
    
    Dave

Re .120: so?  I'm surprised they'd give any allowance at all.

	paul

    .. when quite a bit of disk-space in your development cluster is taken
    by projects nobody is working on.

    You try to calculate Revenue / Employee and you get this error:
    
%SYSTEM-F-FLTDIV_F, arithmetic fault, floating divide by zero at PC=00000202, PSL=03C00020
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name     routine name                     line       rel PC    abs PC


    ....

    
    
    Re: .125
    
    >>Re .120: so?  I'm surprised they'd give any allowance at all.
    
    I suspect that all the computers returned for trade-ins were
    destined for the crusher.
    
    I think that the trade-in allowance was just a clever way of
    offering a discount to a limited number of customers, possibly
    targeting those who already had a PC.
     
    So why offer $400 for a Rainbow and $500 for an IBM-PC?
    
    I dunno.  I *do* know how it made me feel about buying a
    DEC PC.
    
    
    
    

    Offices that were doubled-up a few months ago are empty...

Attitude...

             a little thing that makes a

                                             BIG difference

	When your voice mail message sez.....


		This JOB is a test

		It is only a test

		Had it been an actual job,

		you would have received 

		Bonuses, Raises, and Promotions.

iM bACK fROM vaCATiON.  eYE feEl mUCh BETteR.  AiEe wuz GivEn A cHOIce bEEtwEEn
a boTTle iN FROnt oF mE Or A frONtAL LaBOTomY.  sEnZ I dOnuT dRinK, I diDn'T
waNt THe BotTlE.  SoMEHoW, aYe fEEl mUCh beTtER.

aI wUZ gIVeN a WAtCH oN Meye fIFth AnNiVeRsARY, eND dE bATTerIeS dIEd toO
s0oN.  MaYBe iT wuZ aN O-mEn.  BuTT, I dO feEl mUcH BeTTEr, tHanK eWe.

    
    ...you believe what you read in the papers, like comeback-ads.
    
    sorry, I couldn't resist.

RE: .133

	Sure you didn't spend your vacation learning Unix?

							mike

    that would have been a lobotomy...

....the encyclopaedia salesman finds out who you work for, and you have to
put your foot in the door to keep him talking.

... Bob Palmer phones you and asks to be connected to the Samaritans.

... your main job goal states "turning out the lights".

    
    Digital stock leaps to $50 a share on December 3rd.

...the boss tells you profits are so low that, starting tomorrow, you have to
bring your own pencils














and sell them out on the sidewalk

Bruce

    ...you find Digital listed on the Web under "Nonprofit making organisations"

....Elvis finally emerges from hiding and, being a great humanitarian, stages
a free concert for DEC employees in an effort to boost morale. After his final
curtain call, BP makes the following announcement over the public address
system: "Ladies and gentlemen......Elvis has left the building...20,000 more
will soon follow..."

    .....when BP appears on Saturday Night Live, and appears in a sketch
    with Stuart Smalley.
    
    BP repeats after Stuart:
    
    	I'm good enough,
    
    	I'm smart enough,
    
    	And, doggone it, people like me!
                           

	The home office calls and asks you to load your FAX machine with
	pink paper......

    You receive your new benefits book and the title is
    
    
    			Your Benefit Book
    
    
    

everybody's cars fit in those few, coveted underground spaces...

    
    ....when there is an employee appreciation day and nobody shows up!
    
    	BTW: When is it at LKG?
    
    Roger
     

    What is an 'Employee Appreciation Day'??
    
    Baffled of Sutton Coldfield (UK)
    
    

	Payday.

IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.

Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as
they could be.

IBM won by a mile.
 
Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working
party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator
gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.

Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary --

"The guy rowing has just *got* to work harder!"

re Note 3282.149 by TOKNOW::METCALFE:

> "The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
> whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

        Of course, our steering is the best in the industry!  (If
        only the judges of the race were sophisticated enough to
        recognize this...)

    When we sell the Olivetti Stock.....
    

    RE .149
    
    I'm suprised to find that the decision did not involve outsourcing
    the rowing to a member of the IBM crew.
    

    re: last few
    
    the way I know the story goes like this:
    
    - they had McKinsey and Boston Consulting doing a study (which cost
      some 1 million $) on why Digital lost the race
    - those guys concluded: poor management and too high cost
    - and what did they do: they added a new hierarchichal for the steering
      people (i.e a couple of VPs, I guess, ;-)) and cut the job of the
      person rowing
    
    Albrecht 

      If the experience of DEC in Europe is anything to go by, the following
    year they would:
    
    1) Reduce the weight by giving luxury yachts to four of the people who
    were steering to persuade them to get off the boat.
    
    2) Replace them by hiring three experienced boat steerers from IBM.
    
    3) Reduce the weight further by giving the experienced rower a lifebelt
    and throwing him overboard.
    
    4) Replace him with an anorexic trainee rower.
    
    Ken 

    Don't forget the part where they re-paint the boat burgundy, and change
    that silly pointy front to a nice rounded one...
    
    Laurie.

Don't forget the three annual races lost while the steerers
change the order in which they stand holding the rudder.

Year 1:- "Let's stand in order of height"

Year 2:- "Let's stand in order of age"

Year 3:- "Let's stand in order of strength"

Year 4:- "Do you think anyone will remember we stood in height order before?"

Andrew

    Re: .156
    
    It wouldn't have been so bad, but they didn't wait till the end of the
    race to switch, but insisted on changing the order in mid-stream.  :-)

    I guess if we take a look at The Boat Race history, we can see us
    following the trend, becoming water logged, and sinking ;-)
    
    row row row yer boat
                       gently down
                                 the stream
                                          merrily
                                              merrily
                                                merrily
                                                merrily
                                               
                                                life
    
    
                                                is
    
    
    
                                                but
    
    
    
    
                                                a
    
    
    
    
    
    
                                                dream
    
    
    
    
    Glug (AKA Andy!)
    
    
    :-)
    

    I thought the best solution they came up with was to reduce the weight
    of the boat by cutting a hole in the bottom.
    

About Digital                                  LIVE WIRE

Corporate Management Committee                              Date: 26-Aug-1994

Page   1 of 1  
                        Corporate Management Committee 
       
       
       Bob Palmer                President and Chief Executive Officer
       
       Ed Caldwell               Digital Semiconductor
       Marc Chardon              Executive Assistant
       Charlie Christ            Components Division
       Dick Farrahar             Human Resources
       Charlie Holleran          Communications
       Bob McNulty               Operation Management and 
                                   Chief Information Officer
       Vin Mullarkey             Chief Financial Officer
       Enrico Pesatori           Computer Systems Division
       Mick Prokopis             Controller
       John Rando                Multivendor Customer Services
       Tom Siekman               General Counsel
       Kannankote Srikanth       Digital Consulting
       Bill Strecker             Advanced Technology and 
                                   Chief Technology Officer
 
 
                          Business Units 
       
       Bob Palmer                President and Chief Executive Officer
       
       Ed Caldwell               Digital Semiconductor 
       Charlie Christ            Components Division
         Larry Cabrinety           Components & Peripherals
         Charlie Christ            Storage & Subsystems (acting)
         Larry Walker              Network Components
       Bob McNulty               Operations Management
       Enrico Pesatori           Computer Systems Division
         Bernhard Auer             PC BU
         Enrico Pesatori           Systems BU (acting)
         Vincenzo Damiani          Accounts BU
       John Rando                Multivendor Customer Services
       Kannankote Srikanth       Digital Consulting


                       FOR DIGITAL INTERNAL USE ONLY

    Not to pick on .160....
    
    But it's kind of funny....I've heard a LOT of complaints on the overuse
    of the word "leadership".  Maybe the former SLT agreed, and changed
    their title to CMC.  Now they'll get complaints for doing that ;-)
    
    Hey - call 'em anything, just keep the stock going up... :-)
    
    Yours for true leadership management,
    
    
    Steve         

You can't be a leader without a following.

Calling yourself "Leader" doesn't make it so.

    .161 > Yours for true leadership management
    
    Well I was hoping for some management leadership :-)

    regarding .162......
    
    
    Then someone should jerk Rando by the neck and tell him that
    just cause he makes a whirly wind tour of the world (at our expense)
    to temm em MCS is the client/server service organization with no
    training department ain't going to convince too many people.
    
    and the idiocy keeps on rolling!  in some places.
    
    p/t
    

    re: .163
    
    I think we're stiving to manage the leadership management effort to
    provide leadership to managers so that they'll lead a managed
    leadership best in class paradigm blah blah blah Ginger.
    
    :-)
    
    Steve
    
    PS - the "Yours for true leadership managment" was tongue-in-cheek
    also, I just forgot the :-)... 

    They decide to start holding "client/server games" in
    the Roman Coliseum...
    
    And DIGITAL gets selected to provide the "servers".
    
    ;-)
    

...you find out that VAX$NOTES has been sold to some other company,
  and...

as part of the deal, you have to pay $1 per note...

:-)

Dave

> ...you find out that VAX$NOTES has been sold to some other company,
>  and...
> 
> as part of the deal, you have to pay $1 per note...
>
 
Well, the first part is sort-of true, as you probably know.

I'm writing this with NetNotes, which is (C) OS Technologies Corp,
Pepperel, MA.

(I don't know anything about any deals between OS Tech and
 DEC, I only know what it says in Help|About NetNotes).

I haven't been asked to pay yet.  Or maybe they send the
bill at the end of the quarter?

    
    
    You stop being surprised by broken commitments...
    
    

    ... you wake on a beautiful Sunday morning to headlines in the local
    paper showing a DIGITAL logo crumbling - followed by an article on the
    company asking if it will survive.  It didn't go well with that first cup
    of coffee.
    
    <Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph, Sunday Sept. 12>
                                                        

>>                    <<< Note 3282.171 by BSS::C_BOUTCHER >>>
>>
>>    ... you wake on a beautiful Sunday morning to headlines in the local
>>    paper showing a DIGITAL logo crumbling - followed by an article on the
>>    company asking if it will survive.  It didn't go well with that first cup
>>    of coffee.
>>    
>>    <Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph, Sunday Sept. 12>
                                                        
    
    
    What's even worse is when they [ the writers of the article] stick to
    the same AP style book platitudes - and fail to lay the blame where it
    truly belongs...
    
    As Santayana said: "Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to
     repeat it."
    
    Assuming there _is_ a second chance.
    
    Publius
    
    
    

    
    
      YOur wife comes home from her first MBA class and says
    the instructor keeps using DEC as the example of what not
    to do...
    
    

...you waste 10 minutes looking for a single compliments slip that doesn't 
exist because all stationery orders have been blocked for so long we've run 
out.

Dave.

....You quiz your manager when you find out that he has had secret
    meetings with a software house

and 

    He hands you a business card and says would you like to apply to 
    them for your job

    You see groups posting OJPs...
    
    
    
    ... and wonder "are they the next group to be sold off?"

>    Funny, I've been thinking about Digital a lot in my MBA classes, too.

Working for Digital provides a good view at a realtime case study in the 
works.  You will see the problems with this company in every course you 
take (as everyone here has mentioned time and time again).

It will make you feel both fortunate and unfortunate at the same time.

    While working on my MBA at Riviera we were discouraged from using
    Digital as an example.

    Re: .180 
    
    Presumably because they wanted to make finding the problems more of a
    challenge? :-)

    
    ...you call for CSC support and are told your organization (Digital
    Consulting) is UNFUNDED and no support will be provided!
    
    	NO THIS IS NO JOKE!  Is this anyway to run a airline?

    
    Re. -1
    
    Before any extreme ranting begins, I want DC people to know I received
    a call, probably no more than 5 minutes after posting this, from
    Marlboro, and the issue 'is being worked!'.  GREAT!
    
    Thanks,
    Mike M.
    Washington DC

    Unless DC opens the wallet to fund the CSC the problem may be "worked"
    but not "fixed".  The CSC has layed the law on this recently.
    
    rick

    Hey folks, your management apparently decided they didn't need the
    expense of funding the CSC.  We went through "staff planning"  and
    reduced people to reflect the non-funding and lowered workload from
    internal customers who don't need to use us.  
    
    So really I hope your cost centers only fund on per call, as we no
    longer have the bodies to throw at internal customers who are not MCS
    or sales, even if you do by the support contracts.
    
    meg, benighted networks survivor.

    
    "Internal customers", I kinda like that!  Makes us sound like a
    disparate, unrelated group of small businesses without a clue as to
    what the whole entity is doing.  On second thought...
    
    Wang also looked at service support as a cost center, tried the
    internal funding thing as opposed to treating it as necessary overhead
    (like, oh, the bean counters with their "no dessert" expense
    guidelines), then began reducing staff.
    
    This DID have the net affect of making my "WANG" coffee-cup with the
    twin towers logo jump in price on the collector's market but did little
    for sales or the customer base.
    
    								Tex

    	Field people get calls from CSC personnel about technical Notes
    they posted long ago. It's happened to me. I'm flattered, but it tells
    me 1) the CSCs are nearly in a panic for expertise; 2) a mindset shift 
    has occurred- the CSCs often treated field input as so much noise not
    long ago. That attitude has apparently been adjusted. Just my $.02.
    
    Phil

    Phil,
    
    
     Really?  Gee, you CSC types watch for my Compuserve account.  Just
    call me, Will consult for $$

    
    Re: .188-
    
    >Will consult for $$
    
    	Yeah, been thinking about that a lot lately. Problem is it violates
    the employee agreement at Digital, so you either have to resign or make 
    it clear that you expect an increase based upon consulting revenue
    generated in Digital's employ. Go figure...
    
    Phil

    Re: .189
    
    "...violates the employee agreement..."
    
    #1 reason why I'm a short timer.  Digital cannot afford to sell me at
    30-60 per hour.  They don't want that kind of business, but they won't
    let me do it either.  So, my last day is 10/7/94.  And my new company
    is full of people who respect what others do on their own time.
    
    charlie

    Back to the heading of this conference:
    
    You know you're in trouble when...
    
    People don't know their rights (either constitutionally or employment)
    
    
    re: .189
    
    No, it does not necessarily fall under the "conflict of interest" of
    your digital agreement.  If digital does not, or will not, provide the
    services, then whilst still employeed at digital, you may provide said
    service--as long as it's not on their time or equipment...
    
    Ask an employment attorney for details...your mileage may vary.
                                          

    The very fact that I have to go talk to an attorney speaks for itself. 
    I read the employee agreement which I agreed to honor.  It's pretty
    tight.

    You select the knife for your 10 year award and they present it to you
    in the back!

    You know you're in trouble when:
    
    They hand you your twenty year award that matures on July 22nd, on
    May  15th!!!!!  
    
    You guessed it! Right after the congrats, you get notified that
    you are at risk.
    
    happened to someone real close to me!  ;^)
    

    RE: .193
    
    Gee. I picked the knife too. Have not seen it though.
    Hey doc, I have this pain.....
    
    There it is !
    
    Just kiddin'
    
    rick A

    ........every time you walk past your boss, and she doesn't acknowledge
    your existance!  does this mean I'm at HIGH RISK???  TEE HEE HEE!

    is that u corky?

>    ........every time you walk past your boss, and she doesn't acknowledge
>    your existance!  

Boss?! I just got word that my third boss in half a year resigned. Am I in trouble or??

/Tom

    rep .197
    
    Nope. my brother has been gone now for a couple of months.  Corky got 
    	'The Tap' !!
    
    	I'm still duckin', bobbin' and weavin', but I can feel the blade
    	getting ever-closer, as I'm in Sales Support!!
    
    	-VT

    
    
    So how is the old codger (Corky).  You going to talk to him any time
    soon?  send him love and hugs from me, he'll know what I mean.  A few
    from Jamie as well.

    ...when the only humor you get at Digital these days is from reading this
    file and retelling the joke:
    
    "What's the difference between Digital and the Titanic?"
    
    "At least the Titanic had a band!"
    
    ... you tell someone you work for Digital and they look at you in total
    shock and say, "You're STILL there?"
    
    ...at the latest family gathering, your family starts offering you the
    names of headhunters because they saw the latest Wall Street
    Journal/CNN/Washington Post reports on Digital...
    
     

    	When one of our customers calls to ask about his new system. He
    says that the system is dead; when he turns on the power nothing
    happens. You know we're in trouble when the you ask the customer to
    open up the box and he tells you that the power supply harness is still
    shrink wrapped! 
    
    true story, or so I'm told

...your wife says she wants to quit her job and stay home with the kids and 
   adds "but you work for Digital".

    I agree Tom, but nobody can state/prove it was a digital person.....
    just the multitudes believing that it MUST be...... 
    
    did the sign say free coffee??  If so, don't blame the theif, if
    it said FREE CUP OF COFFEE, then that's a different story. All
    symantics anyhow.
    
    Now back to your regularly scheduled chaos.
    
    chet

    
    ...you start getting calls from HELL! :)

Re: .208

I dunno, I've been hearing that Hell, Norway, is a nice place.

				Steve

    And I understand it freezes over every winter.

    No- Hell is in Michigan, about 100 miles north of Detroit. 

I've been to Hell, on Grand Cayman.

    I've been to Hell on Grand Cayman, too, but -.2 is right.  Hell is in
    Michigan. :^]
    
    								Tex
    
    (Who just spent two of the most mind-numbingly boring weeks of his life
    on-site in Battle Creek, MI)

    I've been to Hell and back on a train (round trip from Trondheim), but
    1-800-DIGITAL didn't work from there.
    
    -Tom

    I took the Seven Steps to Hell once...
    
    ed

   re .215:
    
     What's the OSI networking model got to do with this topic?

    ...your 'world-class' marketing firm has to "go to hell" to get you
    copy

you know you're in trouble when ..

  .. people can't even stick to the "you know when you're in trouble"
     topic ..

>Per

    Re: Hell MI - I live about 20 miles from there.  It froze over last
    night!

    
    ...there is nobody left in the boat with an oar, and its still pretty
       full.

    In Philips we had a saying:
    
    "You have to learn to row the boat with the oars that you've
     been promised."

    	when managers are in the lab learning how to use the new Digital
    scopes

    ... Dilbert isn't funny anymore.