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Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

Title:	Welcome to the Non-Custodial Parents Conference
Notice:	Please read 1.* before writing anything
Moderator:	MIASYS::HETRICK

Created:	Sun Feb 25 1990
Last Modified:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	420
Total number of notes:	4370

113.0. "Love & Persistance Pays off " by CSC32::K_JACKSON (First Things First!) Wed Feb 13 1991 19:31

  Posted at the request of the author, Ken Brown.


  The attached WP document is lengthy, but worth every letter, to those
  within the same situation of being a Non_custodial_parent.

  I am a PC and LAN Person and could only figure out how to get this into
  WPS-PLUS let alone post it to a notes file.

     Thanks, Ken Brown 


  I usually do not get the chance to write to a NOTES file.  But today
  I have made sure nothing interferes while I write this.  My reason is
  simple.  I believe I may be one of the "few" success stories for a 
  Male non_custodial_parent to come out of the Commonwealth of
  Massachusetts in one long time.  As of today, I was granted physical
  custody of my two children, after a two year legal battle and over
  14K in legal fees.  It took time, patience, and endless dinners of
  Kraft Macaroni and Cheese or Peanut Butter sandwiches washed down by
  Kool Aid.  So much for the concept of the quality of life of a divorced 
  male non_custodial_parent from Massachusetts.  But as long as I knew I 
  was right, and my children deserved better, even Kraft imitation food 
  could taste like steak.

  The reason I am writing is because one of the things that kept me going
  was this NOTES files.  Even with one anonymous entry, I was usually a
  Read-Only participant.  One of the most important recommendations I can
  make, and this is "peppered throughout the NOTES file", is to DOCUMENT, 
  DOCUMENT, and more DOCUMENT..... As with the majority, I worked a 
  second, sometimes a third job for a daily existence or for payment of 
  legal battles.  I know what it is like to be borderline exhaustion, but 
  I always found the time to document. 

  Let's be honest, there is more than a small inequity with the Divorce
  Courts, but there has never been any rhyme or reason to the awarding
  of children within a custody situation.  At my divorce hearing, my
  EX lawyer, told me that custody to the father stood a snowballs 
  chance in hell.  But I guess I was thick headed, but I felt I was 
  right in getting custody of my children.  I went back into the 
  court fray armed with a new lawyer, but hit with new accusations: I was
  rocking the system asking for custody (Officer of the Court), I was 
  called a public nuisance, being a homosexual (not my persuasion, but I 
  don't condone for those who do) but also promiscuous in this area 
  and in the same breath being told I was still in love with my 
  ex(ex's lawyer). I heard comments about myself that even I would 
  consider myself a "slime ball", but I shook it all off knowing the 
  truth and why I was there fighting, and name calling was not a 
  high priority.  In my life, I have had the stigma of being called 
  a "freak/hippie", "a baby-killer", and "a college know it all", but 
  the worst title I ever was given was the one of Non_Custodial_Parent, 
  which if read properly is an Oxymoron, and even more so within the 
  Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

  I have used the legal procedures in place, such as the "court mediator",
  in my case it did not work.  This is a statement based on my own 
  personal experiences, not a blanket statement.  I have had reams of 
  documents where it detailed the scenario of physical and verbal abuse 
  of my children, also statements from both of the children.  The court
  mediator informed me directly, "I have too much documentation to 
  read this".  On the other side, everytime I documented a violation of 
  my ex, the return comment by my ex-wife was "This is Massachusetts,
  they won't do anything to me". As probably the majority of everyone who
  reads this NOTES file (Especially in Massachusetts) has either heard
  or felt that this was true.  Because I knew how it felt every time it
  was thrown at me.  A good example of the system not working, and
  in the case of the court mediator, three years ago I was to have
  children from Christmas Eve until Dec 27th.  I was informed by 
  my ex-wife that she and the children were going on a skiing holiday
  the week before Christmas, and would return on Christmas Eve late.
  I could pick them up on Christmas Day at 1 p.m. and return them at
  6:00 p.m. as she had made social engagements for the evening.  I started
  to discuss the legal documentation, and when it got heated, her final
  comment was a swift kick to the groin (for lack of a better term) and
  on the following Monday I was hit with a temporary restraining order,
  as she was in fear for her life. The judge issued the restraining order
  as he only handled civil cases and this was a Probate issue.  Two 
  years later, when I asked for documentation of evaluations for my
  daughter's orthodontia work, I was met with obscenities as well as 
  two sucker punches.  When I stopped at the local police station to 
  file charges, I was laughed at, and was told I was a big guy and had
  weathered the punches okay.  When I informed the court mediator of 
  it I was informed by her , "you probably deserved it!". And my lawyer
  told me this was the best court mediator they had.

  My last example of a severe inequity, has to do with the "system".
  When my children had enough of their lifestyle with their mother,
  they documented as to why they wanted to move in with me.  When we
  went back to court, I was met with the Court Mediator's response of
  "you have obviously bribed or coerced your children, as no child wants
  to move away from their mother".  This led to a ten month investigation
  which was three and half months of the court "locating" this individual.
  and six and a half months of "investigations".  For nine months my 
  children had to go through a living hell while the courts "fiddled and
  diddled".  I had to call the Police only two weeks ago, when my
  ex-wife decided to vent her frustration of the impending court date on 
  my daughter.  There was still a hand imprint on my daughter's face,
  when the Police arrived and nothing was done.  My daughter asked to 
  be removed from the house, taken down to the Police Station where she
  could speak with me, and was refused by the Police.  She requested to 
  spend this same evening with me, but was refused by her mother, and also
  by the Officer.  When they were gracious enough to return my call,
  they informed me the "disturbance had been quelled". I will make a 
  comment, if you ever want to test the strength of yourself and your 
  children, have them play Massachusetts Probate roulette. Have your 
  children write a letter as to why they want to move with you and have 
  the courts give it to your mother and her family.  CLICK! BANG! BANG! 
  What makes this even more obscure, members of the legal and social 
  services community agree with each other, but do absolutely nothing 
  about it. 

  After four years of a part time father, and two years of court battles
  the children have been placed where they want to be.  We are all
  scheduled for counseling to discover what the four years of neglect
  we have to resolve.

  I apologize for getting lengthy, but I had to show if you are thinking
  of doing the same, it sure as hell will never be easy.  But I would do
  it the same way just so my children can sleep a restful sleep without
  the nightmares or any fears.  I hope I haven't opened any old wounds
  as some of the NOTES did to me.  I just wanted to show if you know you
  are right you can make it.

	Ken Brown    (NUTMEG::BROWN_K)

	P.S. Many thanks to Doug Dalrymple who doesn't realize this but he
	     gave me the mental set to avoid becoming a couch potato and
	     just let things happen to me.  He gave me that fire to keep
	     going.

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
113.1	Congrats	CSC32::K_JACKSON	First Things First!	`Thu Feb 14 1991 01:27`	16
	Ken, Let me be the first to congratulate you!!! I know from working the little that I have with you, that it has been a very emotional roller coaster and a financial nightmare. Good luck with everthing and make sure, like you mentioned in your note, that everyone is going to counseling. Everyone is going to need it! Again, congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kenn
113.2	way to go!!!	LUNER::MACKINNON		`Thu Feb 14 1991 10:03`	7
	Kenn, All I can say is Congrats!!!!!! Michele
113.3	A real Father	MOOV01::DALRYMPLE		`Thu Feb 14 1991 10:42`	14
	Ken, Congradulations.. NOW IT'S MY TURN.... Yep, I'm going too.. I'm going after my 2 sons. I've been documenting too. I think I just may have mine by June.. I will NEVER quit either.. I'm sure it will be a long road ahead for you and your kids but remember, Now the road is at least straight........ Congrats again.. Doug Dalrymple
113.4	it can be done	CSC32::HADDOCK	All Irk and No Pay	`Thu Feb 14 1991 13:05`	10
	Ken, There are many ways to be a warrior. Some of the most difficult do not involve guns or violence. You've just earned your spurs. Congradualtions and thanks for the note. Doug, Good luck and God Bless. fred();
113.5	Congratulations	EXIT26::MACDONALD_K		`Thu Feb 14 1991 14:11`	6
	Best of luck to you, Ken. Your kids are very lucky indeed to have you for their father. I hope the rest of your lives is nothing but smooth sailing. You certainly deserve it. - Kathryn
113.6	you must feel great!	TIS::HENDRY		`Wed May 08 1991 09:58`	1
	Congratulations Ken!
113.7		AIMHI::RAUH	Home of The Cruel Spa	`Wed May 08 1991 14:04`	23
	Ken, I have the same thoughts about mental head sets. If you say to yourself that your gonna loose. Then you have full filled desteny. If you say your going to win you will full fill desteny. Winning is the words of telling yourself that you will win, and doing everything possible to win. 400 + miles every weekend, sitting in dark alleys taking pictures of the ex and her beu as they lie to the courts, it snowing on you and you freezing your a$$ off keeping hidden from the police. Taking punchs, finding your ex in a little hamlette in Maine that all you know is that its a blue and white mobile home. It takes courage. Lots of it. How to develope a good head set? For me I lifted weights, walked, rode my 10 speed. And read every book on the shelf of the libary of the Concord law school. And went to my fathers suport group meetings. And I tried to eat as well as I could. Including peanut butter. (yech!) Good work Ken, God takes care of children and those who protect the children from harms way. George
113.8	Update from original author, Ken Brown	CSC32::K_JACKSON	VTX - Have server, will travel	`Mon Nov 25 1991 12:26`	84
	Almost nine months ago I wrote the original note 113. I am writing again, as an update, and to ask for assistance. These last nine months with the kids have been enjoyable beyond belief. Both kids have gone from academic probation to finishing last year with high honors. With my oldest receiving four awards for academic excellence. We have visited the GAL / court appointed psychologist on a regular basis. And have cut the visits down from once a week to once a month, or whenever they need to get something off their chests. The concern always about these visits was that their discontent or anger was always directed to the problem, and not myself. Both of them are becoming normal kids again, and it's been enjoyable watching them realize some of their potential. But what makes me feel that I have done the best I can is that neither want, desire, or even think about moving in with their mother again. This Thanksgiving will have a significant meaning for all three of us. However as with all the good, comes the bad. And I do not know how to address some of the problems with the Massachusetts Probate Court. A rather lengthy dissertation will follow: When I received custody, the Judge made the following decisions; 1) based on the two reports by the children's psychologist it was recommended I be given physical custody. 2) The Judge, however, also recommended that since my ex was losing her child support that I be required to pay alimony for a six month period or until she sold her home. There were three other points, disposition of children's furniture and belongings, repayment of court costs, and the discussion as to why I was required to pay alimony. But on these last three points, the Judge fell asleep on the bench. I know hard to believe but the Judge actually fell asleep while hearing the discussion of both lawyers, and since the Judge did not hear these issues, no decision was made. As required by the courts, there was to be a review of the status of the children six months after they moved in with me. Seems there was an obscure law that the ex's lawyer found. So I went about the usual working with the kids and the psychologist and never had any fears or problems. The recommendation was always the children should still continue to live with me. Because of the psychologist's recommendation of moving the court date up, my lawyer did. So in July we were scheduled for hearing in July in Lowell. After three hours in the waiting room, the Judge assigned to the case felt this should go back to Cambridge, which we did. So we have another scheduled hearing in September. In September we go back to Cambridge for a pretrial hearing. It was recommended that I "bring in the GAL" for testimony" cost $500.00 half day. The lawyers went to discuss with the Judge the case. Then all participants were invited to the Judge's chambers. It was there the Judge told us of his "leanings". His statement was the children were to be permitted to remain with me, as this was academic. However, since the children had made on a "whim" the desire to move in with me, that he was going to support the Judge (who fell asleep) decision to have me to continue to pay alimony for the next year and a half to two years. As according to him the money paid was not child support, but what her referred to as "family support". Now based on his leanings we were to work out a settlement. He would not listen to any comments or conversations, just told us to go work out a settlement. And if we didn't these were his leanings, and that's what he was going to follow. So I worked out less than an agreeable settlement, I pay Alimony until my ex-wife's home (purchased from the profit made on the sales of the marital home) is sold, and then we get the children's bedroom furniture. In the interim I have written the judge asking to re-evaluate the decision, as this agreement puts me $100.00 in the red every week. I cannot afford to pay for alimony and still continue to pay for the children. I cannot afford a lawyer to handle this. But I received a response back from, the court administrative people telling me that I cannot communicate directly to a Judge, and to go out and get a lawyer to do this. Second point, I am going back to court on contempt charges for what has been identified as the interim gap between Judge #1 and Judge #2 for non-payment. Even thought there was no court decision covering this time frame. They are looking to garnish my wages because of this. They are also looking for me to pay all court costs. I have written the Massachusetts Judiciary Committee with no response. I have even written to the Local papers to see if I could locate someone who would listen to me without worrying about their careers. Anything to raise this issue. All to no avail. Anything anybody can suggest I would be more than thankful. Ken
113.9	change jurisdiction	CSC32::HADDOCK	the final nightmare	`Mon Nov 25 1991 12:44`	7
	Since you have the kids with you now, you might try to get jurrisdiction changed to Colorado stating that the cost of litigation in Ma is hurting your ability to take proper chare of the children. Otherwise about the only recourse you probably have imho right now is trought the appeals courts. fred();
113.10	Jurisdictional Change	MRKTNG::BROWN_K	KEN BROWN DCC/CIS DESKTOP CONSULTANT	`Mon Nov 25 1991 16:56`	6
	I hope I am doing this correctly. I am currently living in New Hampshire, with all this great stuff occuring in Massachusetts. I tried to change jurisdiction but was told by the Mass court, that since all court actions and appeals had occured in Mass, that I had to stay Ken Brown
113.11	follow up	CSC32::K_JACKSON	VTX - Have server, will travel	`Wed Jan 08 1992 13:24`	69
	Followup from Ken Brown ============================================================================== On December 16, 1991 I spent another day in Middlesex Probate Court in Cambridge Mass. I was back in court for Contempt of Court, where I was identified as being two weeks delinquent in alimony payments. I admitted to being late, as I didn't have the money to pay for those two weeks. But I have paid every other installment. This is from a man who never missed a child support payment in four years, or a medical bill or a visitation weekend. And just adhered strictly to the law of the land. If I may digress a bit, I am the original base note 113, where I have documented the last year of getting custody of my children. I still have custody but the courts have thrown every roadblock in the way of keeping status quo. In February when I received custody, I was ordered to pay alimony for six months or until my ex-wife sold her home. The judge decreed that at the end of six months all alimony would cease. But then on my divorce decree my ex-wife waived all rights to future and past alimony payments. In September, another Judge within the same court system informed me that he was going to continue with the Alimony payments for at least two years, because he did not want my ex-wife to become a burden to the State. The rest you can read in the note. My day in court, was a meeting with the Probation Officer, who did not waiver at all at my predicament. His comment was you are behind in Alimony and you have to pay. I asked him to review my record where my financial statement shows me $100.00 a week in the negative side. But he stated that I was ordered to pay and that was that. I told him I couldn't pay the back alimony of two weeks to which he informed me that his recommendation would be that I be given a jail sentence. It was up to the Judge to decide wheter to suspend the sentence or not. I asked for options to which he informed me that I would have to confess to being in contempt of court and would be willing to pay back the back alimony in thirty days. I believe the term used here is COERCION. I asked him who would take care of my children while I was in Jail, too which his reply was what are you complaining about there are some guys out there which have to pay for twenty years for their kids. What told me from this comment was that he did not read any of the documentation was that he "assumed" that my ex had the children. Before I could bring this up, we were dismissed. To which my lawyer asked, so how are you going to pay for this?? What is ironic about this is my ex owes me over $450.00 for her share of medical bills which she claims she never received. I am stuck in the quandry if I pay I can't afford Christmas (even though when I spoke to my daughter about the problem, she volunteered to return all her presents to save money), and if I don't pay I go to Jail! I am getting this straightened out in my own head by visiting EAP, because I can't see how a person who has adhered to every law and legal requirement can still get the proverbial shaft. Since I reside with the children in New Hampshire, I have been attempting to find a lawyer who can assist. I have had two hangups, two thank you's but you don't have the money toay, and the last ditch is the one from Lawyer referral. Which I haven't received yet. If I don't get some restitution, I will have to file bankruptcy. Plain and simple. Which infuriates me even more when the Judge in Septemeber told me he was going to continue with alimony because he didn't want my children to become a burden to the State of Massachusetts. Thanks for letting me vent this.... As I promised a year ago, I will update all as things progress. Ken Brown
113.12	exi	MEMORY::SOVIE		`Thu Jan 09 1992 12:33`	6
	Ken, this is Un(%%$ing believable, Which Judge did you have? Actually this state us Un(%%$ing believable, I want to phewk. If I had a *(%%$ing rocket launcher I'd help you out.