Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

    
    
    Fred,
    
    
    Would it be possible to try to get custody of the other kids due
    to her instability.  Moving three times in one year is pretty
    good grounds to prove you have a more "stable" environment for
    the children especially if they have to change schools each time
    they move.  That can't possibly be of any benefit to the children.
    Are their grades suffering because of it?
    
    Just an idea,
    Michele

    re -1
    
    About four years ago I went in for custody of all of the children 
    the second time.  At that time, my oldest son was having a lot of
    problems.  She agreed to relenquish custody of him.  The Judge
    cited the Colorado law that the first award of custody is to be
    based on "what's best for the children".  Any change in that order
    can only be made if I can prove there is an immediate danger that
    the children will be harmed physically or mentally.
    
    Since my son was the one with the main problems ( his step father
    had been arested twice for child abuse).   I pitched a 
    no hitter, but my lawyer failed to bring in an expert witness to
    testify that everything I had presented posed a "danger" to the
    other kids.  I lost.
    
    fred();

    I re-read my last entry.  I was trying to enter it when I got
    interrupted by the phone.  I is somewhat disjointed.  What I was
    trying to say is that at this time, my daughter is the only one
    that I feel that I can *prove* anything on.  The Court so far
    has shown a tendency to not lump the children together (ie if
    it is happening to one does not necessarily mean it is happening
    to all).  The main thing I have going for me with my daughter
    is that she really does want to stay with me.  
    
    My ex has filed a response to my petition.  Once again she has
    shown her willingness to play fast and loose with the truth.
    My daughter is furious over this.  She has indicated that she
    will go into court if necessary.  I believe she will since she
    went in when I requested the temporary change.  Even without
    my daugher's help I believe I have a strong case.  I hate putting
    my daughter in the middle of this, but I may not be able to stop
    her if it comes down to it.
    
    fred();

    Well I got a call from the ex last night.  "Don't bother comming to
    pick up the kids, 'cause they won't be there--click".  I was supposed
    to pick them up Monday morning for summer visitation. 
    
    I view this as retaliation for my court action to get change of custody
    for my daughter-plain and simple.  She has already been held in
    contempt of Court for this *&^% once already.  I'd think she would
    learn.  She is claiming that I am violating court orders by not
    returning my daughter as soon as school was out, but according
    to the origional custody/visitation orders, I still have my daugher
    for visitation until the end of the summer.  My daughter has no
    desire to return.
    
    My current plan of action:
    1) Send a registered letter requestion "if the children won't be
       available now--then WHEN.
    2) The court date for the Change of Custody has been set for July 12.
       I sort of expect her to bring them then to fulfill her 1/2 of
       the travel costs fot the visitation then.   If not:
    3) Ask her in court why she won't let me have the children.  If 
       she refuses to let me see the children in front of the judge,
       she can bee held in contempt then and there (Colorado Rules
       of Civil Procedure 107).
    
    Any other suggestions?
    
    fred();

    Yesterday I filed a "Motion for Directed Order" with the judge.
    What this does is basicallly re-affirms the court visitation orders.
    Sort of a "comply with the orders or else".  In Colorado, this can be 
    done on an emergency basis.  The judge signed the order ex-parte.  I
    sent her a copy in overnight mail.  I'll probably get a phone call
    tonight that will melt my phone (I'd draw a smily face her, but
    I'm just not up to it this morning), but if she doesn't comply with
    *this* then the judge is really going to be p.o.ed.
    
    fred();
    

    Fred,
    
    	Keep the faith, guy!  You are doing the right thing, and I for one,
    send you big electronic hugs! 
    
    Sue
    
    P.S. If it wasn't such a b*tch of a drive, I'd stand ya' to a frosty
    one at lunch!  But I only get an hour for lunch! 
    
    Sue (in marlboro, ma!!!)

    Well, she pulled out her trump card.  Saturday I got a call from
    my ex.  The only thing she said was "the kids want to talk to you".
    Funny how I knew wat was comming next.  "Dad, we don't want to come".
    This is from kids that about a month ago were dying to come since
    I'd bought tickets for the New Kids concert this summer for my
    daughters birthday.  I know that she was standing there listening
    to them all the time they were talking to me.  Neither one would
    talk to either me or my wife much longer than to say that they 
    didn't want to come.
    
    So I spent Sunday preparing papers to file for a second Contempt
    action plus filing for Change of Custody of the other two.  I don't
    know if I can convince the judge that she has been messing with the
    kids or not.  I have documentation (letters) from my ex even that
    the kids were ready to come a month ago.  I also plan to bring in
    my oldest son's counselor as an expert witness.  I think she has
    a pretty good feel for what is going on and will be able to back
    me up.
    
    The problem is that in Colorado, you can only file a Change of
    Custody every two years.  If I file now and loose, it may be more
    difficult if one of the children decides later, like my daughter
    has, that they *want* to come live with me.
    
    to be continued....
    fred();

    Well, the Judge signed the 'Citation for Contempt'.  I have to get
    personal service on her for this one.  The Sheriff's deparment in
    the county where she resides (most every couny for that matter) has
    a process service section.  They will serve the Citation on her 
    personally.
    
    A Citation in Contempt (in Colorado anyway) is basically like a 
    speeding ticket.  It says "come talk to me and tell me why I
    shouldn't throw you in Jail".
    
    Just a Note:
    The main reason that I am entering all of this is for other NC
    parents of this conference.  I am getting along pretty well with
    it.  I've had several calls and mail from readonly members seeking
    advice and information.  So I thought that I'd document this as I 
    go as an example (hopefully).  Again I am not a lawyer, but I am not 
    unwilling to share my "friendly" advice and experience with those 
    in need. (geez, I hope this don't sound *too* egotistical ;^) )
    
    fred();

    The 'Citiation for Contempt' has been served.  My ex has to show
    up in court on July 12, or there will be a bench warrent issued on 
    her and I'll probably be given custody of the kids.  If she does
    show up she'll likely do some time in jail for contempt.
    
    The 14 day period that she has to file a response to the Change
    of Custody has passed and I have not gotten any response from her.
    She may just have sent one to the court and not to me, but for
    the Change of Custody for my oldest daughter, she sent me a copy
    of her response (you're supposed to send the other party a copy).
    If she has indeed failed to file a response, the likely hood that
    I will get custody of the the two youngr children has increased
    significantly.
    
    fred();

I used to feel sorry for myself being in my situation (married to NCP with
wicked ex) but after reading many of these notes I have to count my (our)
blessings!!!   Good luck in court, especially for your children's sake!

Kristen

    The good guys win one for a change.
    
    Yesterday I was awarded custody of my 15 year old daughter.
    
    My ex *didn't show up*.
    
    My ex was found in contempt on two counts.  A bench warrent was
    issued for her to serve the remaining 29 days that were deferred
    from a previous sentence for conviction (deferred means you don't
    have to serve the sentence if you behave yourself in the future--
    she didn't so she now has to serve the time).
    
    The petition for chane of custody for my other two children was
    not heard.  That petition is still pending.  My ex did not file
    a response for that petition.  The judge said that he can either
    deny or grant the petition based on my petition and affidavit or
    set the request for hearing.  Last night I wrote up and order for
    him to sign and it will be deliverd to the judge today.  Hopefully
    he will sign it while everything is still fresh in his mind from
    yesterday.
    
    fred();

    How wonderful Fred!  I am thrilled for you and your family.
    
    Question-
    
    	How do you actually *get* custody of your daughter.  Do you drive
    over to the house and pick her up, or what....
    
    Sue

    re .12
    
    My daughter has been living with us for the last year.  I was 
    granted a temporary change of custody last summer while she was
    here for summer visitation.
    
    The other two are still living with their mother.
    
    fred();

    Congrats! 
    
    So refreshing to hear about a Dad coming away with a "fair" decision.
    
    Good Luck and my Best Wishes!
    
    Kim

    Fred, I am very pleased for you.  But, this is really a tragic story,
    and a very large part of me hurts for that.
    
    Your ex certainly seems to be her own worst enemy... and that's part of
    the tragedy. 
    
    I hope all goes well, and I certainly wish the best to you and your
    family, especially to your daughter.  I hope she isn't too badly hurt
    by what has happened.  I wish every child could know that BOTH PARENTS
    love and care for them, even if they can't live together.  Having an
    experience like this must hurt her a lot.  
    
    God bless you all.
    
    tony

    re .15 Tony
    
    My daughter is very pleased over the decision.  She went on the 
    witness stand and really gave a good account of herself.  I think
    she really impressed the judge.  As I've said before, my daughter
    really *doesn't* like her mother.  I have to write up the court
    order for the judge to sign and I am waiting for the court transcripts
    for that.  When I get that done I'll enter more details about the
    decision and why.
    
    I too feel bad for the children.  As much as I dislike (understatement)
    my ex, I feel bad that my kids have to go through this and that they
    have a mother that has to be the way she is.
    
    I've had many people ask that if this is so hard for the kids, then
    why keep stiring things up and fighting?  If I thought that they
    *were* well taken care of and the child support was going for
    taking care of the kids, and she didn't mess with visitation and
    continually attempt to brainwash the children, I probably wouldn't
    fight--so hard anyway.  But at this point, fighting is the lesser
    of evils. 
    
    fred();

    CONGRATULATIONS Fred!!!  I, too, wish you and your family all the
    best.  I *know* you'll win custody of your other two children, as
    well.
    
    BTW - Will your ex actually have to serve time in jail?  If so,
          for how long?  In light of that, it would only make sense
          for you to be granted custody of the other kids.
    
    - Kathryn
    

    RE .17
    
    Yup.  She will actually have to spend the time in jail.  Last October
    she was sentenced to 30 days with 29 days deferred.  Deferred means
    she wouldn't have to serve them if there are no further violations.
    The judge had the sherrif's office come pick her up from the court
    room and throw her in the klink for the 1 day.  She came out with
    about the same disposition as a cat comming out of water.  Since
    there has been further violations, she will have to serve the time
    in jail.  Colorado will not extridite her for contempt, but the
    judge did issue a bench warrent for her arrest if she ever comes
    back to Colorado.  Sentencing for the other two counts of contempt
    was deferred untill she shows up, so there is likely even more time
    waiting for here.
    
    My main stress point right now is the other two.  I find it very
    hard to believe that the judge would just turn us down flat after
    the testimony that my daughter presented in court, but I've seen
    stranger things happen.  The judge can deny or sign the change of
    custody without hearing or can set the case for hearing.  If I can
    get at least a hearing, it will be difficult for her to come back
    to contest the change of custody without spending time in jail first.
    
    Judge:  "About your braces.  Wasn't your mother receiving the child
            support money"?
    
    Daughter:  "Yes, but she said that she had to use that to pay the rent,
    	    but she never paid the rent.  That's why we had to move all the
            time".
    
    fred();

It's tough to do, but it does happen.

The weekend I flew to St. Paul, Mn. to pick up my two children who
were living there.  This month I was given custody of three of 
my children.  The fourth, my oldest son, I've had custody of for
the last 4 years, and my oldest daughter has been living with us
for the last year on a temporary change of custody.  This brings
to an end a 9 1/2 year struggle to regain custody.  I don't have time
to go into all the gory details right now, but the fight and the
change *was* necessary.

One of the main things I used was that violation of visitation is 
also a violation of the children's rights and impairs their emotional
development.  Incredibly my ex did not show up for court.

I owe a lot to my 15 year old daughter who had the courage to defy
her mother and go into court and tell the judge just what was
*really* going on with her mother.  I also owe a lot to my current
wife for standing by me these last eight years, six of them married.

    Chin up,
    fred();
    

    Fred, I'm so happy for you.  You really deserve this and have showed
    a lot of people that it *is* possible to win.  It may take a lot of
    hard work, but it pays off.  Best wishes to you and your whole family.
    
    - Kathryn

	DISTRICT COURT		COUNTY OF PUEBLO	STATE OF COLORADO
	81DR369			DIV A.
	_________________________________________________________________
	ORDER
	_________________________________________________________________

	In Re the Marriage of:

	JULIE MAE HADDOCK, a.k.a.
	JULIE MAE FARNSWORTH,		petitioner,

	and

	FREDDIE DALE HADDOCK,		respondent.
	_________________________________________________________________

	     This matter came on for hearing on motions of the parties
	on Thursday, July 12, 1990.  The Respondent was present and
	appeared Pro se.  The Petitioner was not present and was not
	represented by an attorney.


	I.  CHANGE OF CUSTODY FOR TERESE HADDOCK. 

	    The matter of custody of Terese (a.k.a. Terri) Haddock is

	before the Court pursuant to 14-10-131.  That statute indicates

	that the custody of the child can only be changed under the 

	circumstances which are set forth in that statute, which provides

	that:

		"The Court shall not modify a prior custody decree

	    granting custody to one party unless it finds, upon the 

	    basis of the facts that have arisen since the prior decree 
 
	    or that were unknown to the Court at the time of the prior

	    decree, that a change has occurred in the circumstances of 

	    the child or his custodian and the the modification is

	    necessary to serve the best interests of the child.  In

	    applying these standards, the Court shall retain the 

	    custodian established by he prior custody unless, (a)

	    The custodian agrees the modification:..."

	          That is inapplicable, because the petitioner has not 

	agreed to the change in custody of the child in this case.

		 ":...(b) The child has been integrated into the 

	   family of the petitioner with the consent of the 

	   custodian:..."

	          The child certainly has been integrated into the family 

	of the Respondent, but not with the consent of the custodian.  It 

	has been by virtue of a court order wherein I granted the physical 

	custody of the child to the respondent subsequent to a hearing 

	which was held in October of 1989.

	         "...(c) The child's present environment endangers 

	    his physical health or significantly impairs his 

	    emotional development, and the harm likely to be caused

	    by a change of environment is outweighed by advantages

	    of the change to the child...."

	          Which is certainly applicable here.  The evidence has

	indicated to me that this child has been required to provide care

	for two younger siblings at the age of ten, and been left alone and 

	neglected in the family home which was provided by the petitioner.

	     There is evidence which indicates that the petitioner has 

	not provided a stable environment or home for the child in 

	Minnesota, moving frequently to avoid payment of creditors, not 

	having a phone.

	     It also is indicated to the Court by the testimony that has

	been given to this Court that dental treatment which was to be

	provided, and necessary for the child, was neglected by the 

	custodian parent, the petitioner in this case.

	     The Court is of the opinion that the environment which is

	provided by the petitioner for the child Terese does impair her

	emotional development, and that is evidenced by the fact that 

	she has done well in school and has been integrated into the home 

	of the respondent:  that she is doing well in school, she has made

	some friends, been able to make friends because she is not moving

	all the time.

	     THEREFORE, the Court will grant the motion to modify the 

	custody, and grant permanent care, custody, and control of the 

	child to the respondent, reserving to the petitioner the right of

	reasonable visitation, which visitation shall be worked out between

	the petitioner and the respondent.  If they fail to do so, I will

	set specific times for visitation.


	II.  CONTEMPT FOR VIOLATION OF VISITATION.

	     With regard to the contempt citation that has been issued in

	this matter, it covers two matters. one which requires that the two 

	younger siblings or children be with the respondent for summer 

	visitation.  An attempt	has been made to have Jason and Andrea 

	present for that visitation, and that has been refused by the 

	petitioner.  That is a violation of this Court's order.  

	     THEREFORE, the Court finds that the petitioner is in contempt 

	of that order which requires that visitation.


	III.  CONTEMPT FOR VIOLATION OF VISITATION EXPENSES.

	     With regard to the Payment which is required to be made by the

	petitioner for visitation which is back and forth, it is apparent

	to the Court that there was some disagreement as to the amount, but

	there was no question about the fact there was an amount owing for

	that visitation, which at least initially was not paid by the

	petitioner to the respondet.  She has been informed that there was

	an increase in that amount.  She has since sent an amount, but that

	is in violation of the Court order the Court made at that hearing

	with regard to that.

	     THEREFORE, the petitioner is in contempt of Court.  Although

	it appears that she has at least partially purged that contempt.


	IV.  DEFERRED SENTENCE FROM PREVIOUS CONTEMPT.

	     The court will also recognize the fact that the Court found 

	this petitioner in contempt of court in October of 1989.  At the 

	conclusion of that hearing the Court sentenced the petitioner to 

	serve 30 days in the Pueblo County Jail.  The Court stayed 

	execution of 29 days of that sentence upon the condition hat she 

	thereafter comply with 	all orders of this Court.  She has failed 

	to do that.

	     THEREFORE, the Court will issue a bench warrant for the arrest

	of the petitioner to serve out the balance of that sentence.  The

	Court will, at the time that she is arrested, then hear from the

	petitioner as to what sentence should be imposed upon her for the

	latest two contempts of Court which the Court has made by of

	findings in the hearing on July 12, 1990.


	     Done and dated this ___ of August 1990.


				Signed__John Robb
				        District Judge
    

    Like, totally awsome Fred.  I love it when the system FINALLY WORKS!
    
    I am so glad for you and the kids.
    
    Al

    Nice going Fred. You had an opening and went for it. Usually, custodial
    parents (MOMs mostly), don't give you that 'opening' to get custody. 
    But nonetheless you persevered, and many NCP (DADs mostly), wouldn't.
    
    	-steve C.
    

    ATTAWAY FRED! Alittle late but better than never!! I can only pray that
    something good comes out of what is going on with me. I hope that all
    is well.
    
    George

    
    FWIW.  I was just awarded child support from *her*.  Going to be
    interesting to try and collect it, but...
    
    fred();