Conference quokka::non_custodial_parents

     Six years ago or so, I read bunches of books when I began dating
     a divorced non-custodial father.  I don't know that they really
     gave me useful information, nor do I even remember what they were.
 
     I did marry their father, and have had a good relationship with the 
     children, but they live pretty far away so we don't have daily or 
     weekly contact with my husband's ex or her husband.  I think more
     difficulty is generated because of ex-spouse relationships than
     practically anything else in a divorce/remarriage situation.  We do 
     talk with the children every week, sometimes several times, but at 
     least once a week.  And we have them for 6 weeks in the summer, and 
     every other Christmas vacation.

     I don't know if I've just been blessed with really nice step-children
     and a great husband, or have been doing the right things, but I haven't 
     had any major difficulties with the children.  They were 4 and 6 when 
     I met them, now they are 10 and 12.  The things that we try to do are 
     probably what we would try to do if my husband and I had children together,
     and most of them are us things with my husband rather than I things:

     1) Our relationship as husband and wife takes primacy over our 
        relationship with the children.
     2) We are pretty much united in the way we treat the children, we
        do not make allies with the children against the other parent in
        any issue.
     3) We uphold each other's authority in the home and with the children.
     4) I try to give the children what they need, especially in terms of 
        attention and encouragement without loosing sight of the fact that I 
        am the adult, and they are children.
     5) We treat the children with honor and respect, and expect the same
        type of treatment from them in return.
     6) Although I would love to be their mother, I remember always that they
        have a mother who is not me, and is very different from me.
     7) We stress family time together when they are here.  We go on picnics,
        swimming, sight-seeing.  We take vacation time during some of their
        visit though its impossible to take their entire visit off.
     8) We establish our own family traditions: celebrate Father's Day 
        when they are here, whether their visit coincides with the real 
        Father's day or not; we have an un-birthday party for them together
        since we're not able to be with them on their real birthdays; there
        are special things we do with each child.  My birthday always falls
        during their visit, so every person gets a special day.  We remind 
        them of things we did together before, ie "Do you remember when we 
        went to that park with the tide pools, and ....?", the kids and I 
        often do some T-shirt painting.  We've been going to Portsmouth for
        the fireworks every 4th of July, spend the day doing things around
        there before the fireworks in the evening.
     8) We do not try to buy their love, or bribe them with gifts.
    10) We talk to them about their school work and other things they are
        active in.  On our last visit out to where they live (we pick the 
        children up each day after school and return them back after dinner)
        I helped the younger one with her homework which I think meant a lot 
        to her.  The older one is a whiz kid, straight As and all that so we 
        he doesn't need as much help in that area, just encouragment to keep 
        doing well.

    And finally, since God is very much a part of our lives, we pray together
    as a family every night just before the kids go to bed, and we talk about
    the values that are important to us whenever it is appropriate.

    It hasn't been all perfect, but no family is.  I think the problems we've
    had have been more general family issues rather than directly related to
    being a step-family situation.  I *can* tell you about one of the worst
    summers of my life when everyone except me had the chicken pox :-}.
    I would say that the first couple of weeks every summer are an adjustment
    period for all of us, new routines, re-establishing a daily sort of 
    relationship and so on.  The end of their visit is heart-wrenching every
    time.  That part never gets easier.

    Leslie

    
    I have seen several books on step-parenting in the book stores. 
    However, I can't really comment on how good any of them are.  There 
    is also Moira::Parenting_v3.
    
    fred();

    This is a rather outta place base note. But, just the same, important.
    For many need to get an understanding what they are to get into before
    they make the commitment. Many people do not from the get-go and find
    out too late or tooo later on that this was not the right move for
    them and are not happy campers....
    
    

    
    
    re: .1 thanks!
    
    re: .3  hmmm...interesting that you think it's out of place here.
    Would it be more in place if the non custodial parent had entered 
    the note?  To me, if I am going to commit to this relationship, than
    I commit to being a non custodial parent too in a way.  Which to me, 
    seems more difficult in some ways when you have never been a parent 
    before.  Unless I can commit to being a very important part of my
    partners children's lives, I don't see the point in being in the 
    relationship. 
    
    Maybe I'm overreacting to your comment, but it's a sensitive topic to
    me and I thought this was a completely appropriate place to post the
    note.....
    
    
    -mary

    As the base noter pointed out. This could be in a parenting file. Sorry
    if it seems that I ruffled you feathers.:)

    re: .0
    
    	Mary, there is also a conference called :
    
    		AIMHI::BLENDED_FAMILIES 
    
    	that has some insight as to "situations"
    
    	Good Luck,
    
    _Kevin