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What you are seeing could be just the children's reaction to the
divorce. In spite of all the kidding of ourselves that divorce
"will be better for the children", children are profoundly affected
by divorce itself and the breaking up of the family and the uncertainty
of their future that divorce brings. If possible, you may want to
get some professional counseling for them.
Otherwise, in my untrained opinion, there are logical explanations
for everything you've described. Otherwise, as many times before,
your biggest weapon is to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Try to
establish a pattern. Mental abuse/development may well be figured
into custody cases. Keep an eye out for any signs of physical
abuse and report it to authorities IMMEDIATELY. For your own
protection as well as theirs.
There are two schools of thought about letting THEEX know that you
are watching and documenting. One says that you don't let them know
and hope you can nail them. The other says that you let them know
and hope that the knowledge that you are watching will make them
temper their actions.
fred()
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| I haven't had any experience with this type of thing, but the contents of
the base note would have me very concerned. I'd talk to someone who has
some experience in the legal, family counseling professions, and/or possibly
the medical profession.
Leslie
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| From what it sounds like I would, if you could on the sly, get Jill to
see a doctor. Either the physical type or the srink type... Esp the
bleeding part scares me. I would take her for a total exame. I would
suspect the worst and pray for the best in this case. Sometimes child
molesting is done by other members of the family, esp step parents and
relitives. I would also go with the documenting, including just
stetting up a cam-corder in the house, leave it on all the time, after
a while the kids are going to play like they would even if it was not
on. And record this event. Then show it to a srink or to a child
welfare person. Do it will extreem caution and care.
Good Luck and if the base noter wishs to write to me off line. Please
do. I have met a number of NCP dads who have this very problem as you
are reading this note.
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| Hi,
I read your note about "Jill" the young girl who was acting strange towards
her father. Based on what I read, you may have reason to be concerned.
I would advise taking the child to the doctor or someone to be checked out.
The my second part of advice is please be careful NOT to go to a doctor or
shrink with an agenda, particularly one that believes most people in their
lives have been abused. If she has been harmed, she has probably been through
a lot already, the therapy should not make it worse. Abuse does happen, but
there are some therapists that seem to find abuse when there is not any.
It is strange that I am writing this note, since I recently had a case
dismissed for a FALSE accusation of abuse. I do not care to discuss the
details in this conference, but my daughter was going to a therepist with an
agenda, who never got off the topic off abuse. Some of these accusations were
alleged to happen in my parents home when they were in my company during the
ENTIRE visit. This person is responsible for a severed relationship between
me and my daughters that I must begin to rebuild over time. (BTW, there was
an angry wife involved in this case as well.)
In short, the actions that are causing Jill to feel unfortable should stop,
even if they do not fit the legal term of abuse, she should not ever feel
unfortable. Any therapy should be focusing on healing, it should not be a
"witch hunt" for additional accusations. All initial conversions should be
very general, the less leading the better. If the child provides essential
information from non-leading questions, it will hurt the defense of the
accused. The interviews should also be taped as well. The steps taken during
the initial part of the investigation are the most crucial.
Please do not interpret every strange behavior as one one of being abused.
There are no unique symptoms of abuse, which can make it difficult to prove.
Symptoms of abuse, are also symptoms of divorce, stress, etc. The bleeding on
the other hand would concern me.
Just remember, a child involved in a false accusation is NO better off
mentallly than a child that has really been abused.
Good Luck, and please contact me if you need information. I have a lot of
knowledge of the subject and may be help you or others in this situation.
Paul
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re .4
Hoooo Boy! And people in some of the other notes files wonder why
I get so bent about the "abuse" business. Don't get me wrong. I
think sexual abuse of a child is just about the worst thing that
someone could do. If I caught someone who was sexually abusing any
of my children, you may be reading about me in the papers (note: I
said _may_ and I am not advocating that solution) but right up there
with it, IMNSHO(in my not so humble opinion), is false accusation. As
you said, false accusation can hurt the child nearly as much as the
abuse.
Thanks Paul. Good Note.
fred();
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