Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    
    I've never been divorced, but the split-ups started primarily with
    
    "I don't love you anymore..."
    or
    "I'm in love with someone else..."
    
    
    -Jody

    
    -1
    
      Yeah aint that the truth!
    
    |David

    I said, "Can't we afford for you to move out?"
    
    

 After 12 years of marriage things were just going downhill.  As I look back
 I think marriage was a mistake in the first place and the differences that
 should have kept us from marriage were suppressed for a long time.  As it 
 turned out both of us were, um, involved outside of the marriage and that 
 was a distraction for both of us.  We made attempts at counseling and while
 there were changes I made there were also changes I didn't want to make, and
 same for her.  In short we both had different needs/expectations and neither
 of us really wanted to compromise.  We tried, but couldn't do it.  

 The actual separation was her idea as was the subsequent divorce.  We remain
 good friends today and have had some interesting conversations about our
 marriage.  We both know however, that we could not get together again.



Jim

     I suspect that I asked for it when I told my mother in law that 
    I would no longer allow her to meddle in our affairs. 
    
    -j
    

 re -1...


   Hmmm...that was a problem with us also.  We moved from California to 
   Colorado to Arizona back to Colorado and then to New England partly due to
   her mother's meddling.  In retrospect I have to say she helped us in a num-
   ber of ways and I now have a better relationship with her than I do with my
   own mother..




 Jim

    "Ah, honey, don't be so old-fashioned.  Why, a divorce doesn't mean a
    thing nowadays. Just a piece of paper the judge mutters a few words
    over."  -- Cary Grant, "His Girl Friday"

       For me:

       "Despite all the attempts we've made in the past few years to keep
       this marriage intact, it's not going to work is it?"

       "No, I'm so sorry."

       I no longer have a wife . . .  I still have a friend.

       patrick

    My decision originally. She agreed 2 months before the
    divorce was final that it was the right decision. We are
    still friends today. Oddly enough many of the things that
    she did during the marriage that I disliked she has since
    stopped doing. I guess its the old "prophets are without
    honor in their own country" syndrome. ;)
    
    		-Jim-

    
    How do you guys keep a friendship with your ex wifes?  I am going
    through a seperation right now, that will eventually end in divorce,
    and I cannot see the two of us being friends at all.  I have no
    desire to see her at all, beyond what is neccesary to maintain my
    relationship with my kids.
    I think she has this need to totally get me steamed at least twice a
    day.
    

    Its never easy. Its always tuff. But then when the dust settles and
    finally you agree about somethings, then others will build. Sometimes
    it doesn't fall into a friendly talk. Sometimes it is always a hostile
    experience well after the divorce is done. It will depend upon you and
    your future ex to work it out. It will depend upon how well you can
    keep you mouth shut and not to expound upon what once was. Mouth shut,
    eyes open, and the hands flat in your pocket. That is standard
    protocol and you will find that things will get better. 

    Hopefully you have an attorney, or are trying to get the both of you
    into council. And if she refused. Than its a wrap, go for it and 
    don't look over your shoulder ever again.
    
    Peace

    Well no lawyers as of yet, we are in the early stages.  I moved out
    2 weeks ago, and much of the conversation between the two of us has
    been arguing about who's fault it is.  You know how it is.
    
    How does one start the actual divorce proceedings?  Do I file, then get
    a lawyer?  Do I have to get a lawyer if I am fine with the custody
    situation as it stands?  We both married real young, so in the past
    3 years we haven't got much.  We rent, so there is no house or estate
    to divide.  The child support has been decided by the two of us.
    The only thing I can see that needs to be done, is to make it legal.
    Any advise would be extremley helpful.
    
     Thanks.
    

>                      <<< Note 805.10 by CGVAX2::LEMIRE >>>
>                             -< How do ya do it? >-

    
>   How do you guys keep a friendship with your ex wifes?  I am going
>   through a seperation right now, that will eventually end in divorce,
>   and I cannot see the two of us being friends at all.  I have no
>   desire to see her at all, beyond what is neccesary to maintain my
>   relationship with my kids.
>   I think she has this need to totally get me steamed at least twice a
>   day.
    

       I approached my ex (we have two kids) and said "Look our
       relationship has changed dramatically.  But we have one thing in
       common; we both love our children.  I promise to put the children
       first, I promise never to try and 'win' them to my side and against
       you.  If that means I spend holidays alone, then so be it.  All I
       ask in return is that you keep these same promises."

       We both went through a lot of pain keeping these promises but after
       a couple of years we took that love we had for our children and
       began to expand it to each other too.  My 12 year old son lives with
       me because my ex realized that he was better off with me.  It hurt a
       lot for her to let him go but she did it.  My 10 year old daughter
       lives with my ex.  Sometimes I miss her so much it is almost
       unbearable; I take some of the love that I feel for her and turn it
       on the wound.

       It's not a perfect situation but we're doing our best.  Good luck.

       patrick

    .12... I am currently going through the same situation.  The arguing
    about who's fault it is, is normal, at least in my situation.  After
    awhile, my husband and I stopped doing this and started facing reality.
    
    I have heard that if both parties can agree on the division of
    property, etc., then it is advantageous to use a mediation lawyer.  This is
    much less costly, only a couple hundred dollars.  We are currently
    looking into this; I will post back here if we find one.
    

    
    Re:-1
    
    I don't know how it is in your state or whether it even matters
    what state you're in, but if your mortgage is joint it will remain
    on both your credit reports no matter who gets the house.  I've
    tried to get it off my credit report by giving the credit bureau
    a copy of the quit claim deed, but no soap.  This can be a quite
    a sticky thing when trying to start anew.  I've asked some knowledgable
    people about it and it seems the only way to correct it would be
    to have the current owner refinance it under their name.
    
    FWIW
    
    J

I don't know how we managed to remain or become friends..I think we were
always friends, but one or 2 of my negative traits (procrastination, not
being very good at fixing broken stuff, etc) really made me difficult to live
with..likewise her negative traits made her difficult to live with..now she is
seeing a guy who doesn't procrastinate, was born with a hammer and set of sock
ets in his hand and can build a house, fix a car and chop 5 cords of wood 
before breakfast and she's happy.


With all the other stuff out of the way we're back to being friend








Pardon the errors..its late and I'm not used to this keyboard.



Jim           before breakfs

    My ex and I used one lawyer which I paid for. We divided
    everything up and put it down on paper. We tried to split
    everything 50-50. My ex wanted the house so I "sold" her
    my half. We also continued to talk all of the time, even when
    we disagreed. I guess the reason that we are still friends
    comes down to some basic things. I loved her enough to marry
    her and I still like her enough to want to be her friend, but
    just her friend.
    
    
    			-Jim-

    RE .15
    
    Whoa! A deed only establishes prima facie evidence of title
    ownership not equity ownership of a piece of property. The credit
    agency is interested in performance on the note not the collateral.
    They don't care whether the note is secured with a mortgage against
    your title interest or not, they only care about your performance
    against its terms. If you signed a quit claim against your interest
    in the property without compensation you gave away your interest
    without relieveing your joint and several responsibility to pay off the
    note. I hope you didn't...

    I am going to be signing a quit claim deed over to my husband, and I
    had no trouble renting my own apartment.  My application passed no
    problem, and I don't make a lot of money here!
    
    The part about the credit report is interesting to know, as it never
    even crossed my mind.  I already have enough credit cards, and my car
    loan is paid off, so I guess I didn't think about that aspect of it.
    
    Thanks for the info!
    

    
    re: mediation lawyer
    	Susan Blatt - Resolutions
    	(508)757-4554
    
    	fee : mediation $500, court $110/hour
    
    
    
    re: those who are still friends with their wives:
    
    Since you're still friends that must mean that you like(d) your
    ex-wives.  So does it follow then that the breakups were due to 
    the end of romance?
    
    Rachael
    

    
    Racheal,
    
    My ex and I went to Susan Blatt and I highly recommend her!
    
    Bonnie

    
    Could anyone list a mediation lawyer in the Nashua NH area?
    
    Thanks
    

    I dont know any mediators in NH, but Lyn Halem is a great
    mediator in Newton Center, and John Fiske is a great
    mediation attorney in Cambridge.
    
    The cost really depends on the willingness of the two ex's
    to agree to agree.  If you are unfortunate like me, you will
    end up with a costly and time consuming divorce despite the
    best efforts of well intentioned professionals.
    
    
    				Peter

    Though I have heard of a case wherein one of the spice discovered
    the cost of disagreement and decided to humble himself and negotiate
    some things before reinvolving the mediator.
    
    ed

    re .20
    
    Good question Rachel. It takes two to have romance and you
    need to work at it. I think that my ex developed a different
    agenda that was career oriented, not relationship oriented.
    I realized this too late. She's just now realizing it. So
    yes, the romance was over.
    
    	-Jim-

    
    It wasn't a hard decision for me as my *ex* was abusive - so I gave him
    a choice of either leaving and *us* pursuing a divorce or I'll be
    pressing charges.......
    
    -LG
    

I just had my final hearing last week. We are friendly and we used
the NH Mediation Services in Concord, NH. They have mediators
they assign to your case. They also have lawyers who will review
your agreement as impartial attorneys. The cost was $60/hour,
much less than attorneys would have cost. It does require that BOTH
people are willing to negotiate.  We filed pro se (i.e. representing 
ourselves) and didn't use lawyers for the court. NH Mediation has
a booklet they sell that shows all the forms needed to file and goes
through step by step through the legal process. It worked for us.
I think the booklet cost $15. I believe NH Mediation is a non-profit
organization, but I'm not sure. They were very friendly and
helpful throughout the process.


Mark Parenti

    
    Thanks Mark,
    I'll check them out!
    
    

    I said, "I can't do this anymore."  Quietly, he said, "I know."
    
    As far as remaining friends, that hasn't been a problem for us.  In
    fact, part of the problem in our marriage was we never were more than
    friends.  Divorcing is a tough thing to experience -- at times I've
    felt that I'm the only person that's gone through it.  But I honestly
    believe I'll be happier in the long run.
    
    -Janice