Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    re .0 I like your attitude - can I have your number ? :-)
    
    Can't speak for the other guys here but if I work up the b*lls
    to ask for her number, and get it, I darn well *use* it!
    
    Dana

    re: .0
    
    Could it be that they are gun shy?  afraid to find out if it was a REAL
    number?  
    
    Of course, THAT has never happened to me... :-)

    See also topic 73 in this conference, for previous discussion of
    a similar topic.
    
    DougO

         If I get your phone number,you better believe I'm going to
    call.Other wise why call!I,m a pretty good judge of caricter,if
    I think she wants me to call her,then I,ll call her.This then tells
    me weather or not she wants me to call her.

    I don't know, I must honestly say that I ask people for their phone
    numbers because they strike me as nice individuals and I think that
    talking to them a bit more often could be enriching, and this goes for
    both men and women.
    Why should we complicate things so much? Does every sign of interest a
    man makes mean that he will take her to the hay (I hope you have the
    same expression in English...)? That sounds a bit too pushy, my opinion
    is that things should be taken easier, and somehow slower.
    If a woman would be interesting to me, I'd get the phone number
    somehow, probably I wouldn't even ask her, but call information and
    then catch her unprepared with an invitation to whatever. Just break
    those ridiculous behavioural barriers, I'd say.
    If you want a guy to call you back, why don't you hint it with a nice
    smile, saying "but don't forget it, eh?", I can't see what's wrong in
    that.

 I don't think that men are too drunk to realize what they are doing when they
get a woman's number, but if you are concerned this is a problem, then never
give your number to a drunk guy. :-)

 I don't know anyone who engages in a sort of contest to see who can get the 
most phone numbers, although it may occur in some circles. I don't see what the
point of that would be, getting numbers you don't intend to call. Why not
just pull some out of the phone book?

>    Do men really intend to call but then put it off for a week which leads
>    to two and then figures too much time has passed?

 The ever present timing delay problem... what is bad for circuit boards is
bad for man. :-) The question is "what is the correct time to wait before
using a newly gotten number?" If I call immediately I look like a puppy, I
look desparate, I look like I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. If I wait too
long I look like I'm not interested, or maybe Joe Cool will call her and woo
her in the interim. Why don't I just become celibate? :-) :-) (There's a very
good answer for that, but may be inappropriate for sensitive readers. :-)

>    Why is it the ones you want to call - don't and the ones you don't want 
>    to - do?  

 Murphy's law. Why is it the ones you like best are already taken? Why is it
that the ones you like best are going out with a class A <jerk> and do 
everything they can to hold onto him despite the fact that he treats her like
dirt?

>    I'm getting harder and harder, and when the nice guy comes along, I'm
>    going to be so angry I won't even acknowledge him.

 I think we met a few years ago when I was still single. :-) :-)

 The Doctah

    
    When you give your number to a guy, why not ask him when can you
    expect him to call?
    
    If he replies: "Well, gee, I'm not sure...", then write him off as
    not genuinely interested and/or just playing games. 
    
    If he gives you a definite window like "Sometime this week",
    and then never calls, write him off as being irresponsible 
    and/or unreliable.
    
    But if he does call, then you've got yourself another chance
    of furthering your relationship. Even if he just calls to say
    hello, or that he's busy but would like to see you again in the
    near future, at least you've got a better idea of this person's
    integrity and ability to 'commit'.
    
    Also, by asking for a 'when-can-you-expect', you're letting him 
    know that you are genuinely interested (though I would realize that
    from the simple fact that you gave me your number in the first 
    place).
    
    					Good luck,
    					-Steve

    I'm out of my element, since I never ask for a woman's phone
    number.  If I were at a dance, or a reception, or some event,
    even in a bar (which I don't go to), and I met a woman and 
    talked with her long enough to think there might be some mutual 
    interest, I wouldn't just sk for her number.  That would seem
    to be really rude.
    
    I'd want to make a "date" right then and there, for some
    daytime, public meeting where there would be something
    to eat, look at, do, whatever.  I'd want to state my intentions
    BEFORE asking for her number and let her see what I was after.
     
    It might go like this:  "I've really enjoyed talking with you." 
    I'd wait until she responds affirmatively,  then I'd say:  
    "Maybe we could get together some time for a walk or a cup of 
    coffee and get to know each other some more?"
    Again, I'd wait until she responds affirmatively, then I'd say:
    "Well, I was thinking we might meet at Quincy Market and just walk
    around this _____day afternoon.  I like watching the crowds,
    and if it's raining we can wander around inside, or sit
    in a restaurant for awhile.  Does that interest you?"
    If she's still interested and we can agree on something to do,
    then we obviously we each need a phone number in case we can't 
    make it at the last minute.
    
    The other part about this scenario, is that I'm not committing
    the whole ball of wax at one time, and neither is she.  If she is
    kind of flip to the first question, I can drop it and I haven't
    lost face, nor has she.  If she is hesitant about getting together
    I can ask why and if she is evasive, I can back off.  
    
    Cheez, a woman's telephone number puts me at her bedside!  
    (I wouldn't give a guy my telephone number if I were a woman
    until I knew more about him...  Am I just an old fuddy-duddy?)
    
    bill

	Hummmm.....well, if I give my phone number to a guy, I rarely
	sit around waiting for the guy to call.  If he does, that's
	great; if he doesn't, that's his loss.


	I figure it this way, if he's the type of guy to create
	expectations and not follow thru on them, then he's not the
	type of guy I want to date anyway.


	kathy

    re .0
    
    1) He's been given the number of the local Police, Mental hospital,
       pest control, etc so many times that he's 'gun shy'.
    
    2) He thinks that the likelyhood of you actually answering the phone
       and/or setting up a 'date' is so low that it isn't worth the risk
       to his ego to be truned down.
    
    3) He's just 'being nice'.  He has no intention of calling, but 
       he thinks it's expected of him.
    
    4) It's an 'out'.  Sort of in the same fassion that he says 'I'll
       call sometime' as he's putting on his cloths to make a run for
       the door.
    
    fred();
    

RE all replies

Yeah, a lot of the same things happen when I give/ask other guys for 
their numbers, too.  Heterosexual, bisexual, or gay, it plays out 
similarly.  However, guys with guys can be a lot less coy.  That's 
about the only difference I can think of.  When you remove one role, 
the other role gets played out doubly strong.


							--Ger

    
    The responses are great!  Thanks for the feedback.  Not that this will
    change the phone from not ringing, but it will change my attitude about
    it not ringing.
    
    It's not a reflection of me, but a reflection of the man.  And like
    Kathy said that's exactly the kind of guy I don't want to date.
                                                    
    
    .7   TV huh?  Did I look as nervous as I really was?
    

            It seems to me, that when I talk to someone I've just met, I
       spend a lot of time looking into her eyes trying to get to know
       what she is like.  I assume she is doing the same thing.  The
       path of the conversation depends on the response (or lack of
       response) that I see.

            If you call someone you just met and you don't have
       something specific you want to say or ask, it seems to me that
       the conversation may be difficult.

            I've seen it happen with people of the same sex who have a
       lot in common and think that a friendship will develop.  They
       exchange phone numbers, but no one calls.

            The way it works for me is, I ask for a woman's phone number
       AFTER I've decided why I want to call her.


       Richard

    
    Why don't you ask for his number in return? Tell him you're not around
    much, so if you don't hear from him by X time, you'll give him a call.
    
    
    bonnie

    
    Actually, 5 days before my husband went out with me, he was in a bar
    and asked or a woman's number.  Then he met me, 3 days later asked me
    for a committment to see only him.  Consequently, he never called her.  
    He's told me that he meant to call her.  He thought she seemed really nice
    and was cute.  He just always waited 1 week to call.  I think he wanted 
    to see if she'd remember him a week later. 
    
    So there could be a really good reason why he never called.
    You could ask the guy out when he asks for your number.  "You know,
    I'm never home so I'm really hard to reach but would you like to
    go do ----- on ---day?"
    
    Rachael
    

    
    I think I understand man lingo now...
    
    If he says "I'll call you"  He MIGHT be intrested but don't sit by the
    phone.
    
    If he says "I'll call you, it was nice meeting you" that's the kiss
    of death and he has no intrest it was just and easy way to end the
    meeting.
    
    What do they say if they are really intrested????
    
    Boy I have alot to learn about what words REALLY mean.  8^)
    
    Rae

    
>    If he says "I'll call you"  He MIGHT be intrested but don't sit by the
>    phone.
>    
>    If he says "I'll call you, it was nice meeting you" that's the kiss
>    of death and he has no intrest it was just and easy way to end the
>    meeting.
>    
>    What do they say if they are really intrested????
    
I know that, when I want to impress upon a guy that I am committing to
calling him, I will maintain eye contact strongly and say, "I will
_definitely_ call you.  Is Tuesday good?  What time would be best?" 

I find that the eye contact conveys sincerity, the word "definitely"
commits me, and the setting up of a day and time motivates me to keep
my promise.  However, heterosexual women and gay/bi men, I have had
guys promise to call on a given day and time, and they haven't called
me.  Nothing is fool proof. 

						--Gerry

    
    	Not really having dated in roughly twenty-one years and
    	considering testing the waters again, I can't help
    	thinking that this sounds like more of an ordeal than
    	it actually is.
    
    	Am I missing something?
    
    	Maybe I ought to take a couple of aspirin and rest for 
    	awhile.
    
    ralph

    
    No Ralph I never thought of it as a game either but the more you
    experience dating the more you find out it is a game with no clear
    cut rules.  Learn as you go I guess.
    
    Rae

I think that if you do dating primarily on the basis of feelings, then 
you are in for trouble.  That includes feeling lousy when she or he 
doesn't call back.

I would advocate that you do dating based on agreements.  It works 
much better.  This is not to say that you won't feel great rapport, 
that you won't feel in love, and that you won't feel excited and 
anxious.  It just means that the feelings don't drive the actions.  
Just because I feel all warm and fuzzy about talking to a guy doesn't 
mean that I'm going to go home and wait by the phone, and then feel 
angry and foolish because he didn't call me.

If you do dating according to agreements, it doesn't eliminate pain,
but it gets much, much easier (and more fun, too).  If you meet
someone you like, don't invest any energy in him (we'll use men as an
example)  until he fulfills one agreement ("I'll call you" or "Let's
meet here at 8 for pizza").  If he fulfills his promise, then grant
him an ounce of trust.  At that point (and any point from now on), you
can either terminate the relationship or try another agreement. 
("Pizza was fun.  Would you like to go to the movies next weekend? 
Okay, I'll call you on Tuesday.")  

Notice how good the person is at keeping agreements.  If the person is
poor at keeping simple agreements at the beginning of the cycle, I
would say that he isn't a good candidate for relationship at that time
in his life. In other words, if he consistently can't keep his promise
to call you at 8 on Tuesday, do you really think that in a reasonable
amount of time he's going to be able to commit to a deep and rich
intimate relationship?  I don't think so. 

I hardly ever get bent out of shape when a guy doesn't call me after
an initial meeting (indeed, I take real notice when someone keeps his
promise), because I don't invest a lot of emotional energy in him
until he's successfully kept several agreements.  If he doesn't call
initially, then he's failed the first test.  I usually give a guy a
few shots at it, but I don't invest my emotion in someone who lets me
down.  (One thing that is great about being a gay man is that both of 
us usually have numbers so that either of us can get the ball 
rolling.)

Yes, it still stings to have a really hot, handsome, interesting man 
promise to call me and then fail to, but I have some control in this 
situation as to how much emotion I invest in a person I don't know.  
It seems odd to me that a person can be surprised that a person they 
don't know and with whom they have almost no relationship (previous 
agreements) didn't keep their promise to call them.  That isn't really 
surprising to me.  And I don't think I'm being overly cynical.


							--Gerry

    re: .0
    
/    Why do guys ask girls for their phone numbers when they know they have
/    no intention on using it?
    
    i don't know.
    
/    Do men play games with their friends and see who can get the most #'s?
    
    this sounds like a neat game....what are the rules?
    
/    Do men really intend to call but then put it off for a week which leads
/    to two and then figures too much time has passed?
    
    something funny....i rarely ask for numbers.....i have been given
    numbers a couple of times, and in those cases i called right away,
    although i don't see why i wasn't asked for my number instead.
    
    maybe guys should do the opposite....."Here is my number....I liked
    talking to you, but I don't want to be pushy or anything, so I will
    let you set up our next meeting."  .....nah, sounds to PC.
    
/    I've been dating for YEARS and constantly come across this.  I don't
/    understand!!  If I could have one wish it would be to live in a mans
/    body for 1 month.  Just to see what goes on inside his brain.
    
    i have been alive for years....not really dating, just living....
    but haven't really come across this.  not even amongst my friends.
    
/    have.  Some guys will persist and really sound honest, they'll even go
/    so far as giving you they're number, but isn't it always a wrong number?
    
    heh heh .....  i have heard of women giving men wrongs numbers (again,
    haven't had it happen to me.........tis part of the problem in being
    introverted), but i haven't heard of men giving women the same.
      
/    Why is it the ones you want to call - don't and the ones you don't want 
/    to - do?  
    
    why do you give your number out to people who you would prefer did
    not call?
    
/    I'm getting harder and harder, and when the nice guy comes along, I'm
/    going to be so angry I won't even acknowledge him.
    
    question for you.....how often do you ask for a nice guy's number?
    
    from the mists of my alcohol ridden brain, i think i have asked for
    one number....but have had my number asked on at least 3 different
    occasions.  that, of course, gave me an openning to ask back, and
    i ended up calling the next day, which makes me look like some
    desparate, wear my heart on my sleeve, do anything for a date kind
    of guy.  but hey, it worked.
    
/    Men, any comments?
    
    sure......phone numbers are not a one sided issue.  if YOU are
    interested in another person, why don't YOU take the initiative
    and try to stay in touch?
    
    jonathan (oops....i just noticed, she said "Men, any comments"....
    guess we'll have to scrub this note, as i have never claimed to
    be a Man)