Conference quark::mennotes-v1

    Avoiding the all-too-obvious response which I'm sure will come
    later....
    
    Forget ideas 2, 3 and 4.  Items 2 (vasectomy) and 4 (age) are
    myths, at least as far as the physiological side go.  However,
    HE may believe these, and combined with what you say is his
    upbringing, may really inhibit him.
    
    However, yours is a common situation - one that cannot always
    be solved.  Sometimes you can figure out if there's something
    particular bothering him, but it's likely that he will never
    admit it.
    
    You may want to browse your local bookstore - there are lots of
    books that deal with this subject (how to increase your partner's
    interest in sex).
    
    But keep in mind that you just may not be able to change things.
    And a wide difference in sexual appetites as you describe is sure
    to cause resentment later if you marry.  Think about it.  A
    fifteen-year age difference, especially when you are only 25, is
    also a wide gulf.
    					Steve

    
    	I doubt the 15 year age difference matters. I know of couples
    	that have a greater age span and has never bothered them(one
    	couple has been married over 30 years and she's 18 years older).
    
    	Also, speaking from my own, a vasectomy has no effect on sexual
    	performance or desire. Mine didn't change one way or the other
    	after the operation. It could just be his desire/need for sex
    	is low. My ex was like that, once every three to four months
    	was more than enough to keep her happy. She loved it when we
    	were doing it, but for the most part didn't want it very often.
    	Talking didn't help, only made her want it even less. She just
    	didn't have a high sex drive and didn't see any need to change.
    	If your partner is happy with their sexual drive and doesn't
    	see any need to change, all you can do is one of two things.
    	First, you can accept it and learn to alter your drive (my
    	approach), or secondly, you can end the relationship if you
    	feel that unhappy about your sex life. Sex isn't everything,
    	but if it is working against you, it can destroy a otherwise
    	good relationship. If he's willing to try to learn to improve
    	his desire, then there are counselors that can help. The key
    	is is he willing to try.
    
    	Good Luck

    RE .0 another possibility - maybe he's subconsciously
    excercising control over you by being the 'cooler' of
    the twosome. He might be using your needs to convince
    himself that he's 'in charge' of the relationship. He
    may be totally unaware of this at a conscious level. 
    I think you should resolve this, with professional help
    for the both of you, before making a lifetime comittment.
    Good Luck     Dana

	Maybe I am being too rational,  but I would tend to look
	for a stepping stone approach.  This requires being
	perhaps a little devious,  but there is nothing wrong
	with being constructively devious.  One possible
	route could be via his imagination.  I feel: Surely you can
	get a handle on him somehow.  There may require
	a little experimentation here to find out what fantasies
	he will play along with and enjoy,   but I just
	can't believe he has no fantasies.  The kind of thing I mean
	is to play a role,  with or without stage props such
	as uniform,  in order to aim more directly at his imagination
	and get him interested.  Of course many of your attempts
	may backfire at first.  Such role-playing can be very subtle
	or very obvious - it all depends on what you are trying at the
    	time.  For all I know his imagination might be fired
    	if you assimilate a character from Marcel Proust or role-play
    	his boss and dominate him.  So I cannot be specific.
	
	(Moderator please advise me if this is too frank)
    
	Good luck,
    
    Simon.

    maam
    even at very best marriages fail thru a lack of some quality needed
    by two individuals that have plenty in common.
    if this is where you stand on the eve of your wedding
    i do not project a clear/happy picture some time down the road when
    the "fires" of lust die down even more
    espescially since it appears that his "fires" have a problem with
    their pilot lights already
    nevertheless 
    good luck to you two 
    try clams

    Yes, well, I hesitate to interject a negative note since
    you obviously love him very much...however...if you think
    you "need more" now, wait until you are 35 years old (this
    is the voice of experience speaking)....if it's a problem
    for you in your mid-20's, it may be an unbearable situation
    when you are in your mid-30's  (I hope I'm being subtle enough
    here....)
    
    I'm sorry, I don't remember the details in the base note.  Is
    this a "new" problem or has it existed from the beginning?  If
    you find he is becoming less interested, than I would indeed
    suggest looking for a root problem.
    
    Somehow it sounds crass to suggest giving up a loving relationship
    because of sexual incompatibility, but I fear that this may turn
    into a major problem over time...
    
    

    See note 1.7 for instructions on how to contribute anonymously.
    This technique has worked well in other conferences, and I had
    thought it was already described for this one.
    
    					Steve

    re .5
    
    I agree.  Every time I have been in this situation (at either end)
    the "lack of sex drive" turned out to be a subliminal fight for
    power/control.  Sadly enough, once noticed it has always turned
    out to be too late to do anything about it: if you [exert more control/
    try to be more strong] your lover may pull further back in a more
    concerted attempt to maintain his or her control; if you give up
    control to accommodate your lover [show s/he has plenty of control
    over you, just as much as you have], s/he may take that as a success
    and start to exert control/dominance in other, less private areas.
    
    Either way, you both lose in a stupid power game.    :(
    
    Lee

    Well, since .0 has been deleted, I can only gather what it said
    by context of the replies.  I gather that a woman wrote that her
    male SO, who is 15 years older than she, is not overly interested
    in sex.
    
    I had the same problem except that we are both the same age.  It
    seems that there were 2 problems.  1) She wasn't happy about the
    way she looked and 2) sexual boredom.  It just about tore us apart
    in the midst of an otherwise outstanding marriage.  I started wondering
    if she was getting something elsewhere and I confronted her with
    my suspicions.  We discussed it and got everything out into the
    open and cured it.  I even threatened to go find it somewhere else.
    It worked.  She decided that we better do something or she would
    lose me because of it.
                                     
    We have talked it out and solved the problems.  Now, after 17 years,
    we have sex once a week, whether we want it or not.  (just kidding,
    I, for one, *always* want it 8-)
    
    It was never a case of a power stuggle.  We joke about withholding
    it to achieve needs, but never seriously.  Hell, with my charm,
    she wouldn't stand a chance anyway. ;-)
    
    Spence