Conference terri::cars_uk

528.0. "WARNING - Fake BMWs!" by GIDDAY::GILLINGS (Put... the candle... BACK!) Mon Apr 03 1989 04:13

    
    		   WARNING
	ARE YOU DRIVING A GENUINE BMW?

            M                   M
        B       W	    B       W
         #######             #######
        #    ## #           # ##    #
       #     ### #         # ###     #
       # ###     #         #     ### #
        # ##    #           #    ## #
         #######             #######

         GENUINE            NON-GENUINE

     Following a recent discovery by customs officials it has come to our
   attention that non-genuine BMWs are being sold in New South Wales.
     It is thought that they've been assembled by a company specialising
   in reproduction cars.
     Even to the discerning eye, these "fakes" look like the genuine article.
   Although a thorough inspection by our BMW engineers has revealed that they
   differ from authentic models in many details.
     In order to determine the precise number of forgeries in the country
   and asses the severity of the problem, all BMW drivers are asked to
   carry out the following checks.

     1) Does the roundel on your BMW match the genuine symbol above?
     2) Is the oil dipstick no more than 450mm in length? Non-genuine
	dipsticks leave you short of 250mm.
     3) All genuine BMWs have cigar lighters, whereas non-genuine BMWs
	have cigarette lighters.
     4) Do windscreen wipers make 253 sweeps per minute, at their fastest
	speed? Non-genuine wipers only make 123 sweeps per minute.
     5) With the driver's seat in the full reclining position, you should
	be able to raise your feet and lie them flat on the windscreen.
     6) Check the fuel consumption. The average April fuel figures for
	urban motoring can be obtained from Trivett Classic.
     7) Check the aerodynamics by taping 6 inch strips of ribbon, 9 inches
	apart, to the side, bonnet, roof and boot of your car. While in
	netral, take the engine up to 2,500 revs. The ribbons will not
	flutter if it's a genuine BMW. (Please note, the wind level
	should be at a minimum.)
     8) The carpet pile should lie to the right if it's a genuine right
	hand drive BMW, and to the left if it's non-genuine.
     9) Check the noise level. This can be done in much the same way as 
	the engineers test every BMW. Sit in the car with the engine running.
	Ask another person to stand 10 feet from the passenger door and
	shout: "Esel, Du bist reingefallen". If this is inaudible, it's
	non-genuine.

     Should you still be wondering whether or not you've got a genuine BMW,
   please fill in the coupon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Send to: <mumble>, Trivett Classic Customer Information
            PO Box <mumble>

   [] I would like to trade my non-genuine BMW for a genuine BMW
   [] I am quite happy with my non-genunie BMW and wish to keep it.
   [] I do not drive a BMW but would like to own a genuine one.

	Name:
 	Address:
	Postcode:
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    Copied (without permission) from:
	"The Sydney Morning Herald" Saturday 1st April 1989
                                     		
					John Gillings, Sydney CSC
					
    PS: Could someone please translate the German in test 9?

    A new BMW gimmick
    
      " NOW THE BWM MARQUE WILL NEVER BE MARKED
    
      It has been said that when a person invests in a BMW, they're really
    paying for a name. It's a charge that BMW have long learned to live
    with. After all, BMW is a name that reflects the very highest standards
    of construction and the very pinnacle of technical excellence.
      Sadly, layers of grime and dirt combine to leave it a name reflecting
    little else. Nowhere more so than on the enamel bonnet badge. So in a
    bid to keep their nose clean, BMW have developed the Badgewash system.
    
    [picture of a BMW badge with a tiny windscreen wiper mounted next to it]
    
    Available as standard on the 750iL (and as an option on all other models)
    it features technology never seen on a car before. A tiny sensor mounted
    in the wiper arm measures the light reflected back from the white sections
    of the BMW badge. Even if a film of dirt cuts out as little as 5% of that
    light, the sensor will detect it and start the wiper.
      The system is closely linked to the acclaimed Motronic [Moronic? :-)]
    engine management system. It means the wipe pressure can actually change
    depending on the car's speed. The jet washer boasts equally futuristic
    technology. An ion exchange system - softens the water before it's sprayed
    onto the badge. (Hard water would, of course, scratch the enamel surface)
      A fine system, you'll agree. But it's only the tip of the iceberg. BMW
    are refining a boot Badgewash at their German Research and Development 
    complex. Plans are in the pipeline for a wheel Badgewash utilising
    pressure from the brake pipe. There's even talk of an anti static
    steering wheel badge for dustier climates. [could this be a solution for
    the problems in note 999?]
      Clearly BMW will go to extraordinary lengths to clear their name.
    
    [now the cut out]
    Send to Uve Beenhad, BMW Information Service
    P.O. Box 414
    South Yarra
    Vic. 3141
    
    Please send more details of the BMW:
    [] Badgewash  []Bootwash  []Wheelwash  []Hogwash"
    
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Not as good as the last one, at least the story about the fakes was
    *nearly* plausible.
    						John Gillings, Sydney CSC

    This year's UK spoof was the UWAT system, for translating foreign
    road signs.  The advert is quite good, with lots of silly names
    (e.g. Urbein Waundab) and silly acronyms (like UWAT).  I'll find
    my copy and bring it in, before I send the coupon off to Hugh Felvrett.
    
    
    Ian.
    
    P.S.  John, you should cut out the coupon and send it off.  They
    do actually reply to them.