Conference moira::parenting_v3

>    How should I handle this??  

	Seems the technique should be very much the same as for separation
	anxiety.  It's very, very, tough.  We were lucky in that our kids
	adjusted quite well to the changes that they had to undergo.  But
	the times that there were problems were heart-wrenching.

>    Will it get better??? 

	Yes.  That probably won't make you feel better, but objectively,
	the change he is undergoing is substantial, and some adjustment
	problems were probably inevitable.  I assume that things have
	settled down somewhat from the time you entered 345.0; unfortunately,
	what probably happened was that he had just overcome his separation
	anxiety, and he got hit with another change.  In time, he will be 
	better off by having the chance to interact with other kids.  He 
	probably also will be more resilient about changes in his life.

	Good luck,

	Clay    

    I too was in a similar situation.  My Eric spent his first year 
    at home (I had live-in nannies).  When he turned 15 months old,
    I decided to start him at a daycare center.  For the first two
    weeks, he cried, cried, almost non-stop.  I had to switch him
    to part-time, otherwise he would cry all day.  He finally stopped
    crying and started to interact with other kids.  That took him about
    1 month.  Even now, 1 year later, he still cries when I drop him
    off at the morning.  He just really attaches to me.  But I know,
    he really has a good time at the center.
    
    Hang in there!  I know it is really tough on you.  I had the 
    same feeling as you have.  I felt so guilty, almost quit my
    job.
    
    Wendy

    
    ... separation anxiety ...
    
    JA "experienced" it at about 3-4 months and it only lasted about one
    month.  It was so bad, she wouldn't even let Jim's folks come 5 feet
    near her!  Yet, she whole-heartedly welcomed my folks!  How you handle
    a 3 month old is entirely different than how you handle a 1 year old!
    
    At first, we "rescued" her.  Pedi said "wrong" ... give her a chance to
    adjust AND realize there's more in this world than JUST Mommy or Daddy.
    
    Jim/I flex-houred her first year.  When she started daycare, we decided
    to go with a "friend" who also had a little girl just 5 months older
    than JA.  JA knew Cheryl and Elizabeth (and the rest of Cheryl's
    family), so the adjustment was VERY EASY.  At first, she was a little
    apprehensive (but never cried).  After the first week, she didn't mind
    at all.  After two weeks, she started calling CHERYL "Mommy" and
    Elizabeth was like a sister.
    
    After just 2-1/2 months, JA now cries because she DOESN'T want to go
    home with ME!!!  She wants to stay and play with Elizabeth!
    
    I'm really glad we chose a "friend" as our daycare provider vs. the
    many "more structured" day care centers we interviewed.
    
    So I believe a lot has to do with the familiarity of the environment
    and people, kids their age with similar interests, and similar
    parenting styles, too (how the provider handles naptime, discipline,
    behavior, etc.).
    
    So hang in there ... you may find "in time" he, too, doesn't want to
    come home!  
    
    Dottie
    
    PS:  Did it break my heart to have JA call Cheryl "Mommy" and not
         want to come home?  -- Heck NOOOO!  We're thrilled that she
         loves Cheryl and the environment that much!
                                                    

    I am looking for some helpful hints.  Next week our one year old will
    be starting to go to a new daycare provider.  My husband and I are very
    anxious about this and want to make the transition for her (and us) as
    easy as possible.  We are planning to start out by sending her
    part-time and gradually working up to full-time.  Does anyone have any
    other suggestions about making this easier?  
    
    Thanks.

No concrete suggestions, just suffice it to say this will be much harder
on you than it will be on your child.  I cried the day my daughter left
her first daycare.  This was needless.  She loved her new one.  She changed
at 1 year of age.

    There must be some weird connection here...my daughter just turned a
    year old yesterday and on Monday we started with a new daycare
    provider.
    
    I took a vacation day and split it between Monday and Tuesday.  On
    those days she went to the old sitter in the morning and then I picked
    her up and the two of us spent the entire afternoon at the new sitter.
    
    On Wednesday and Thursday my old sitter very nicely drove my daughter
    to the new sitter at noon.
    
    So, she was weaned in with the new sitter.  Her first whole day there
    was today.
    
    It seemed to work.  Although it may have helped that the new sitter has
    a cat for Gina to chase around :-).
    
    Good luck to you.
    
    judy

         HELP!!  I hope someone can help me with a delima.  My two year old
    son, Tyler, just recently started going to a new family daycare home. 
    He had previously been at another home for two year, since infancy.  He
    started at this new place last week.  Every day when I drop him off, he
    screams at the top of his lungs.  I know this has to do with being in a
    new environment, new people, etc.  At first, he would scream when she
    would change his diaper.  After a few days, he stopped.  Also, after I
    drop him off in the morning, he would calm down within the hour and
    would be okay for the rest of the day.  His older brother attends this
    daycare two days a week.
    
         My problem- I just came back from the sitters after dropping off
    my oldest son.  She informed me that Tyler had been screaming all
    morning and was now hitting anyone that came near him.  He was crying
    so loud outside that a neighbor of hers called and said to bring "the
    kid" back into the house.  She also babysits other kids, so they all
    had to come in.  Now, nobody is happy.
    
         Has anyone been in this situation before?  How long does it take
    for a child to adjust to a new place?  I never had this problem with my
    oldest son.  What can I do to make this situation work?  My sitter
    really wants to help out, but Tyler won't let her.
    
         Thanks for any help you can give me.
    
    Diane
    

    I had a similar experience with my then 3.5 year old.  He had never
    been to daycare (we called it school) - we sent him 2 days a week to
    gradually get him used to what would have to be our new lifestyle. 
    Well, he cried and cried all day each day for three weeks.  We finally
    pulled him out.  I (now this is my opinion) could not put him thru this
    since we still had options.  I moved him to a family (she was a friend
    and also was my son's Sunday school teacher) care center - at this time
    it was necessary now.  Well, he was great at first, but then took to
    destructive/badgering behavious.  He always wanted to go to Jeanne's -
    always went happily along when I dropped him off.  I had no clue his
    behavior changed so drastically until the sitter mentioned it to me one
    day.  Come to find out she had put up with alot of crap from my kid
    before she said anything.  I went to our pedi to see what would be the
    best thing for him and how could we help him adjust.  He told us to
    just keep on keeping on.  He would eventually change and conform - my
    problem was that I did not want to wait.  I couldn't sit back and watch
    my kid be uncomfortable and make life miserable for others.  We were
    lucky in that my husband could change his shift and work nights.  They
    went to Jeanne's for two hours a day and had a much better time of it. 
    However - my son walked in Jeanne's on the first day of the new
    schedule and announced that he was not here for daycare - he was just
    visiting for two hours!
    
    A pedi will suggest that you wait it out.  I couldn't do that.  I think
    you have to follow your heart.  Listen to the wise advise of others,
    but do what you have to do.  
    
    

    My boys always used to cry when we dropped them off at a previous
    daycare, and they'd knock us down, running for a hug, when we came to
    get them.  We thought that this was just all part of the routine of
    having kids in a daycare.  They'd been basically the same in previous
    environments as well.  Then we switched to someone else, and the kids
    only got worse.  Then we had quite the scare that once they were
    outside playing (alone - 1 and 4yrs old!!) and 2 adults came up to them 
    and started asking WEIRD questions, and we yanked them from there as
    fast as possible.  We finally found our current sitter, and there's not
    one peep out of either of them when we bring them there.  After they
    had been removed from the previous places, we always used to hear
    stories about what *REALLY* went on after mom or dad left .... and if I
    were them I would've cried too.
    
    So, now, our motto is, if the child is making a big stink about it,
    there probably *IS* something going on there that Mom and/or Dad
    wouldn't allow to happen to them at home.  Mostly, I think my kids felt
    not-safe at these other places (probably because they weren't!). 
    Feeling safe is a big thing to a two or three year old.  One other
    thing that we did do was to make a point of going over to the sitters
    w/ the kids and play for a while.  It kind of tells the kids that YOU
    think it's an ok place to be.  
    
    If you can talk to your child, see if you can find out why it makes him
    cry when he's there.  It may be something as simple as, she has a big
    stuffed animal that he's deathly afraid of!  Be sure to explain that
    he's going to have to go *SOME*where, if there's something wrong with
    this place, you can find someplace better, but mommy/daddy Must work,
    so he needs to stay someplace while you're at work.  Hopefully he's old
    enough to understand this.
    
    Good Luck - I wouldn't sit on it too long though!

    I just started with a new daycare facility this week. We are into day 2
    and my daughter is crying relentlessly when I leave. Does anyone out
    there have any thoughts/ideas of how I can get through this. She is
    26 mths and has been with the same provider until now in a family
    situation.
    
    -clotelle
    

Some suggestions:

- Don't ever sneak off while she's not looking
- Try to make your exits brief - don't drag them out
- Talk to the teachers when she comes - let her sense that you are comfortable
	with the teachers
- Solicit the teachers help in entertaining her while you try to leave
- Do not leave apologetically - remain upbeat about leaving, saying "See you
	tonight" or something similar
- Remind yourself that she is perfectly content before you drive out of the
	driveway, most likely
- Remember:  this will pass quickly!

FWIW

In addition to the previous entries in this note, I think there is also a 
topic (or topics) in v2.

One other suggestion is to phone the daycare center after you get to work.  
You may find that your daughter  is already calmed down and having a good 
time.  If that's the case, then you're all set, and the tantrums will probably 
get shorter and less severe, will probably disappear entirely.  You may find 
that  she is still upset, in which case you may want to try every so often, 
until he's calmed down.  Hopefully, the next day it will not take as long, 
until eventually it goes away entirely.  Don't be suprised if your daughter 
has a relapse on Monday. 

Also, the holidays can be really brutal as far as adjusting to new daycare 
situations.  Don't be suprised if things are going fine, then you run into 
problems after Thanksgiving, particularly if there's a big meal with a lot of 
other people.  And we had whininess and crying after Christmas at a daycare 
situation that our daughter had been going to -- happily -- for several months.

Clay  

    Stephen had the same problem when he switched daycare @18months.  It
    did not last more than 2 weeks, and now he absolutely loves his day
    care and so do I.  You can't help feeling terrible though.  The
    teachers were very reassuring.  He's 3 1/2 now.
    
    Karin

The one thing that I did differently from many parents is that I stayed with
Evan until he was reasonably okay with my leaving.  I would try to get him
involved with something there, or, more often than not, I would ask him if
the daycare provider could hold him.  Often he was fine if she offered to
let him wave to me out the window (and waving became a "game" that he looked
forward to).  Whereas most daycare centers told us that it would take 2 weeks
for Evan to get adjusted to a new center, he was actually fine even on the
first day, so long as I gave him time to get used to the idea that I was
leaving. 

     Carol

    If you work part-time, what do you feel has worked out best for
    your child, in terms of adjusting to daycare:
    
    o Consecutive full-time days
    o Every other full-time day
    o Every morning
    o Every afternoon

   I work three 10-hour days: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.  On occasion I have
shifted my schedule to attend a class or an important meeting  on one of my
"days off"

    Michelle doesn't seem to care much what schedule we keep.  She loves going
to Paula's house, and she loves spending the day with me.  She doesn't seem to
notice when I temporarily shift my schedule one way or another.  Though Paula
has mentioned that Michelle gets a bit "clingy" her first day back in daycare
after a long holiday.

    Personally, I think the schedule has more of an effect on me than on 
Michelle.  I am able to keep my train of thought and accomplish more by working
3 consecutive days than I could working every other day.

- Carol

    Tara,
    
    we do a combination of your options 1&2...Nick goes in on Tuesday,
    Thursday & Friday. This wasn't our original choice, but was a compromise 
    between Kathy's new workload and the daycare center's part-time openings 
    at the time. 
    
    It seems to work pretty well (i.e. no adjustment problems returning
    from a few days off), but on occasion we've shifted his schedule (for
    various reasons) to send him in Wed, Thurs & Fri or Mon, Tues, Wed.
    He had no problems with these schedules either. 
    
    All in all, I think that if the opportunity presented itself, we'd
    change over to three consecutive days simply because it would be
    easier for Kathy & me logistically. 
    
    My .02
    
    Freddie

    I wanted to relate a comment or two. I randomly ran this very question
    passed a child psycologist, who specialized in pediatric trauma (that's
    both physical and mental).  At that time AJ was small ~+/- a year, and
    I was considering returning to work two or three times a week. His
    "expert" opinion was that psycologically, and if we could swing it
    financially, would be full time or at least the same schedule for
    consecutive days.
    
    His explaination made sense.  When the child is at daycare one day,
    home with you the next, back at daycare the next etc, he/she gets
    confused! The poor child doesn't know whether to get up for daycare, or
    sleep in, doesn't know whether he'll be playing with just mom or dad or
    many other playmates.
    
    I don't know about you, but I had major behavior problems the last
    couple weeks.  Why?  Because the poor kid didn't know from one day to
    the next whether it was a school day or an at home with mom (sometimes
    dad, sometimes both) day.  He was acting out, because he didn't know
    what to plan for!
    
    In summary, if you can swing a full week then do it!
    
    Lyn