Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Marek,
    
    My husband travels quite a bit and our son definitely notices that he is
    gone. My son is only 2.5 but it does impact hi,. Since you know that
    either job will involve travelling start by telling your son that your
    new job will involve him being away. Since he is old enough to really
    talk to (not that he may really talk out his own feelings right away)
    have a couple of conversations about what he would think if you
    weren't home at times. (but don't give him the man-of-the-house routine
    because he may resent you for making him suddenly be responsible) 
    
    Kids do adjust but you do worry about what they are really thinking and
    feeling. My little one does ask "where's Daddy?" all the time and he
    seems to be satisfied with "He's in Spain right now but will be back in
    a few days". Unfortunately, I don't know what he is really thinking
    though - he isn't old enough to verbalize those feelings yet. I do ask
    if he misses Daddy and tell him I miss him too. I tell him when Daddy
    calls late at night and that Daddy sends a big kiss and hug and he does
    actually get them. If he looks like he really misses daddy, we try to
    call him as well. We go shopping and buy Daddy's favorite food, etc.
    Out of sight isn't out of mind!
    
    It may seem relatively easy with a younger child, but it isn't because
    you are still worrying as I know my husband does every time he is away.
    Your wife will play an important role in letting your son know that
    even though you are not there physically, you are always thought of and
    it is okay to be sad, mad, etc that you are gone.
    
    There are some notes in the old conference about a similar subject.
    
    Good luck with whichever job you pick.
    
    Andrea                         
    
    

    Just thought I'd add an interesting, yet to me kind of underhanded way
    of dad (or mom) traveling for short periods without the little ones
    cathing on.  A friend of ours works for an environmental clean-up
    company but once in a while is on an overnite or two job.  The
    advantage he has is that he's usually off to work before the girls(age
    8 &10) are up, very often he arrives home after they're asleep.  So
    their mom doesn't say a word and just explains that dad is working late
    and will see them whenever..(tonite or tommorow morning).  This worked
    fine when the girls were younger, and dad always brought some little
    thing home like a stuffed animal for each girl. Now the girls are older
    and understand that dad has to be away for short periods once in a
    while.  It give mom the chance for making special occations like a
    special picnic in the park, a swim in the lake, or making some meal
    that dad doesn't care for or a special day of baking cookies, followed
    by a giggly bubble bath.  By the way the mother of these girls does
    work "mother's hours" as a visiting nurse, but makes a point to spend
    quality time with the girls and not doing paperwork at home, until after 
    the girls are in bed. 

       Clearly it depends greatly on individual personalities and family
    dynamics, but kids are usually pretty flexible, often more so than
    parents.  A 7 year old can easily understand an absence of a few days,
    and with another parent around, it need be no big deal.
    
       On the other hand, relocation may be a bigger deal than before, if
    he was non-trivially younger.  He will now presumably be changing
    schools, and kids at 7 have more durable friendships than younger kids. 
    This might be the more difficult change for him.
    
    		- Bruce

    I'm going to check in as a kid who's Dad travelled.  My Dad was gone
    Sunday night thru Friday night 50 weeks a year from the time I was 10
    until I graduated from high school.  Mom was pretty much home with us
    kids (3 of us, I'm oldest).  It didn't feel like that big a deal, and I
    knew my Dad loved me, and us, through out.
    
    Some of the things he did which let us know this:
    
    	- He called home twice a week, and spoke to each child alone for a 
    	  few minutes.  If a big issue came up as part of the conversation,
    	  he stayed with that kid until it was resolved.  Mom and he talked
    	  last.
    
    	- Weekends were for family.  There was never work in the briefcase
    	  that he had to hole up in the study to complete.  It was *our 
    	  time*, even if it was spent doing errands and chores.
    
    	- Each child got a couple of times during the year (I vividly
          remember my 12th and 13th birthdays as 'dates' with my Dad) 
    	  alone with him, for the two of us to do something fun together.
    
    	- If there was a big event in our lives (like a show or a concert),
    	  he came home and attended it.  
    
    Hope this helps.
    
    Alison

    Marek,
      Also consider the effect on _you_.  My father had a job for 3
    years where he had to be gone two weeks and then home two weeks,
    and he felt like he missed out on alot.
    	Linda

    Try being a single parent and traveling. I did some for a short period
    of time and felt really guilty. My daughter was 7 and told me she
    missed me alot so I ended my joints to MRO. 

	I can see that I must reply a little quicker!!
	I've gone back to the archived conferences but there seems to be
	very little about what I'm seeking to learn.  I've checked out a
	couple of books from the local library about fathering.
	
	It's really nice to get your responses, so here are mine.

	.1 
        Andrea, you hit it on the head. -- "Kids do adjust but you do worry
	about what they are really thinking and feeling." 
        I am trying to figure out my impact on him.  Maybe I have an overblown
	sense of my importance, since I have the impression that it is the 
	early years (0 - 5) that are most critical and that a couple of years
	of extensive travel at this age may be far less traumatic than I fear.
                                
        .2 I'll keep your trick in mind for those real short trips!

	.3
        Bruce, I've forced my whole family to be flexible. Moving seems to be
	a tradition lately.  Since my son's birth, he's lived in 4 states
	in 6 different places so far, so durable friendships haven't really
	had a chance to form (so far).

	.4
	Alison, thanks for the great advice.  Except for the ability to 
	return for big events, I'm sure that I can do the rest.

	.5
	Linda, I've always been big on not missing my kids growing up.
	I am thinking that maybe for a couple of years I can be around
	enough that I'll still feel a part of things.  After all both
	jobs offer travel and as a family we need to make this move to 
	be closer to my son's 3 grandparents.

	.6
	No thanks.  I think that single parenting is awful, awful tough
	and demanding.  Even with my son being with mom, I know he's
	missed me on short trips I've taken in the past, but since he
	supposedly has gone through his most formative years maybe the
	flexibility factor will kick in and everything will turn out
	fine anyhow.

        -
	In summary so far, I feel more assured that we'll do fine whatever
	the decision turns out to be.  But I still am curious as to 
	understanding what the father-son relationship requires and
	especially how the son interprets and views the relationship.

	 -Marek
	                                                         

    I believe that it is more important for you to pick the level of
    travel which will make _you_ happy.  If you're happy, your child will
    have a happy parent, and that'll be a lot better than an unhappy
    parent who's around one more day a week.
    
    Asking what the child wants is starting from the wrong end, in my
    opinion.
    
    Your first priority is yourself.
    Your second priority is your marriage.
    Children come third, as they won't do well in an unhappy marriage
    or with a miserable parent.
    
    			-John Bishop