Conference moira::parenting_v3

    For over a year now, we have a 14 year old neighbor come over on
    Thursday evenings to babysit. She's mature and responsible (been
    babsysitting since she was 11) and Ryan really enjoys her. We spend the
    time shopping, seeing movies, or just playing tennis for a couple
    hours. 
    
    As much as I want all the time I can get with Ryan, especially working
    full time, I look forward to my Thursday nights out because they
    revive me.
    
    
    I don't think of it as a question of ESCAPE -- it's more a necessary
    balancing in your life, of being a parent and being a person.
    

We do the same as .1 --- every Wednesday evening we have a standing
arrangement with a babysitter.  Sometimes we don't even know what we're
going to do until she's in the house, but it's a set time for us ALONE.
It's really nice... makes you feel like a married person again (instead of
parent first, married person second).

Look at the guilt this way--by giving yourself a break, you can sustain
more patience and thus become a better parent.  So no reason to feel
guilty!  (Yes, it is easier said than done.)


Marty

    We take one night a week to go out and do something together as a
    couple -- usually going out for drinks and/or dinner, so we can
    talk.  We've been doing it since we had to hire a babysitter for
    Kat, continued it through two more kids (and now Kat's the
    babysitter), and plan to keep on doing it as long as we have kids
    at home. 
    
    We don't consider it an escape from parenting, we consider it an
    investment in the marriage.  After all, the kids will grow up and
    leave home, but the marriage will still be there long after that. 
    It's important to keep the communication open between us.
    
    --bonnie

    We do the same thing as .1, .2, and .3 -- and occasionally I go
    out by myself, too, to shop, go to a museum or a movie, etc.
    The dates with my mate help refresh our adult partnership, and
    the solo dates help me renew my own emotional energy. Sometimes I
    enjoy the solo dates even more than the other kind...(I used to
    spend a lot of time alone by choice before becoming part of a 
    family.) 
    
    As for the guilt - it's hard to start leaving your little one, but
    do it anyway - you'll get over the guilt and she'll adjust. We've
    persisted through all kinds of clingy phases and are very glad we
    did. The only times we've cancelled were due to illness (child or
    parent) or vacation.
    
    Have fun!
    
    Lucy
    

    
    When my daughter was really little (under 2), we asked our daytime
    daycare provider to watch her every Friday evening so we could go out.
    We had even managed to go away for a few weekends with this
    arrangement. When my daughter was 2, we moved and my kid went to a
    daycare center. We had a tough time finding sitters in the neighborhood
    for several reasons. But we finally found a college girl who works
    in the center part time to babysit. We try to go out once every 2
    to 3 weeks.
    
    I also try to do my lunch time run (or walk) everyday to get some fresh
    air. If the weather is bad, I eat out with my friends instead.
    I try to play tennis in the evenings so my husband can watch the kid
    and I watch the kid while he plays. When my daughter was little, we
    kind of alternated the yard work and snow plowing, so I wouldn't be 
    stuck inside all the time. This also helped to break the stereotyping
    too.
    
    
    Eva.

    When Michael turned 5 months, we started leaving him with the
    16-year-old across the street so we could go out to dinner, movie, etc. 
    She's quite mature, and has been babysitting for several years.  An
    added advantage of using a neighbor is that she knows all the moms in
    the neighborhood, so if something arose that she couldn't handle she'd
    call either her own mom or one of the other neighbors.  We try to do
    this every weekend, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.  Pat
    won't let Christie put Michael to bed, though.  Christie usually comes
    over just before he goes to bed, so Michael will know she's there, but
    Mom puts him to bed before we leave.
    
    Also, I started taking primary responsibility for Michael on the
    weekends shortly after he was born.  That doesn't mean Pat doesn't do
    things for him, but I feed him most meals, spend the most time playing
    with him, give him his bath (sometimes), stay home with him so Pat can
    get out to do some shopping, etc., and just generally take him over. 
    It gives me some quality time with my son, and gives Pat a needed break
    for a few hours.
    
    Steve

    I think it took me personally about 18 months until I could leave
    without feeling guilty. I was working full time, went back at 6 weeks
    and honestly felt that I had to have Berk with me all the time to "make
    up" for not being with him all day long. I'd push haircuts until they
    were ragged, do my shopping during lunch, etc just so I could be his at
    home. It finally caught up with me and I decided I had to stop feeling
    guilty. When we hired our second nanny (at 18 months) that was my
    turning point. Included in her work schedule was one night a week 
    where I/we could go out and do what ever we wanted. It worked out
    great and was exactly what we needed. I don't feel guilty now but the
    conversation usually includes a statement that Berk could have actually
    come with us and alot of the conversation does inculde talk of him. 
    
    Really try to give up the guilt but it's those out-stretched arms
    trying the reach you as you leave your child that always gets you!!!
    It is the best for your own sanity to get out!!!
    
    Another suggestion is to go out with other couples. Often another
    couple that doesn't have children will even give you a new perspective
    on life - children aren't always your focal point and we are very
    complex adults with many interests. We just need to teach ourselves to
    express them all!!!
    
    Take whatever time you need and try not to feel guilty!!!!
    
    Andrea                                                       

Kati is only 16 months, but I haven't really had the *desire* to leave her.
I don't think it has anything to do with guilt if I did leave her (because
3 of her teachers are my sitters) but I would just rather do things with her
than without her.

Reading this note has made me feel guilty about my marriage, though!  David
would love nothing better than to go out for a "date" or especially take a
vacation BY OURSELVES.  Neither idea really appeals to me, and I always find
something to do that can include Kati, but I thought most working moms felt 
that way.  I will have to consider this more carefully I think.

Kristen

P.S.  I have never been one to require much or any solitude time, I am usually
the one inviting EVERYONE to EVERYTHING, and I know that is not the norm.  I
would imagine that those who require solitude on a regular basis, or were used
to having plenty of it, would go bonkers with the kiddo all the time - no matter
how much they loved him/her!

    My husband and I go out every other Tuesday night and as Bonnie
    said, to keep our marriage alive.  We started this when Alex
    was about a year old, because we realized our marriage was
    separating and we were losing touch with each other.  Specially
    since my husband works nights from Wed thru Sunday and I work
    the 9-5, Monday thru Friday.  
    
    As most people we don't have lots' of money, so we take our boat
    out on a local lake and just talk, bring a dinner out and listen
    to the loons calling each other all night.  It's really romantic
    and only costs us about a gallon of gas.
    
    In such a hectic world we live in now, keeping the marriage alive,
    is a bond to in keeping the family unit alive and sane....

    
    Kristen:
    
    Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly.  I also enjoy dragging JA along with me
    EVERYWHERE and she's now at an age where I can interact with her and
    not worry about craming a bottle and diaper in my pocketbook -- in
    fact, I've gotten so used to having my little-sidekick, that it's now
    just a habit to pick her up and drag her along with me.  Jim
    ALWAYS sees 'us' as a 'threesome' and seems to LOVE it that way, 
    but ...
    
    I'm just beginning to yearn for some private time with JUST Jim.  I 
    wasn't so much a solitary person, but during the 6 years we were 
    married (before JA), Jim and I spent so much time together.  And 
    that's what I feel I'm missing out on now, along with that 
    occasional "breather" to get a haircut or "casually" shop (once a week
    for 2-3 hours would be fine with me).
    
    Jim, on the other hand, is just as content to have JA included ... as
    not to include her.  He seems to equally enjoy her on her "good" days,
    as well as her "off" days and doesn't see her as any more trouble to
    just drag along and occasionally entertain.  Since Jim's so good about
    "taking on" JA, I'm usually very free to shop and do whatever I want,
    whenever I want, but she's still always 'there with us'.
    
    Kristen, I think your note helped me clarify my feelings ... it's not
    so much to ESCAPE from parenting ... but more so to enjoy Jim 
    ALONE occasionally!!
    
    I spoke to my 16-year old nephew and asked him if he'd be interested in
    sitting JA occasionally so Jim/I could go out "together and alone".  He
    said "sure, I'd like that ..."  (typical, unemotional teenager's
    response!).  This morning my sister called me and said "John is so 
    excited about babysitting JA ... that's all he's talking about ... 
    he said something about this Friday evening" (even though I didn't indicate 
    just WHEN!).  Ruthie also offered to take JA for a weekend if Jim/I would
    like to mini-vacation.  Ruthie's also taking the baby one day a week
    (to free up Jim's flex-hours) to "train" her two kids (John, 16 and
    Peg, 12-1/2) as sitters and hopefully "enjoy" a Little-People running
    around.   Since Ruthie offered (and she seems very excited about
    having JA), I feel a little more comfortable and a little less guilty.
    
    So I think I'm ready to let go ... and plan some private time(s) with
    JUST Jim!   (AND HOPEFULLY talk about topics we discussed BEFORE JA!)
    
    Funny how our priorities change and how easily we can become magnetized
    to our kid(s)!!!!!, often overlooking our OWN NEEDS!
    
    Thanks for all your help, 
    Dottie                                              

    Dottie and Kristen,
    
    I have also felt the same way about being with Samantha.  She is my
    little helper.  I take her everywhere I go.  She is 18 months old now
    and is a real joy to take places.  She is talking now and developing
    all the time.  I am always afraid if I leave her for an extended amount
    of time that she will grow up overnight.
    
    I think that in the beginning I felt guilty about leaving her at the
    Daycare for 4 days and this was why I wanted to be with her every
    minute I was able.  Now I want to be with her because she is so much
    fun.
    
    There have been days when I called my mother to babysit and I would go
    out for an hour or so, but the whole time I was out I wished I had
    brought both Mom and Samantha.
    
    There is really no time for Jim and I to be together for he works from
    6:00 a.m.-9:00 p.m. and by 9:00 p.m. I am ready for bed myself.  He
    also works most Saturdays and some Sundays.  He tries to spend as much
    time as he can with both of us and there are times when he will spend
    an hour or so alone with Samantha.
    
    We both have excepted our work schedules and I have adjusted to his
    absence.  We hope that in time his work schedule will free up a bit so
    we can spend time together.
    
    As for a vacation alone without Samantha, I have given it some thought,
    but I am not ready to be away from her for several days.  Jim and I
    have enjoyed a couple of nights together when Samantha has stayed at
    her Grandparents.  But I can't wait to pick her up and have her tell me
    all the things she did with "Bammy and Oooh Whoo and Kitty".
    
    Enjoying Parenting and the occasional break,
    Cheryl