Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Nope, he's not too young for seperation anxiety to set in (in my
    limited experience).   Sorry to say, it may get worse before it
    gets better....i.e. he may even scream, yell, and kick when you
    just leave the room.
    
    All my reading agrees with you that sneaking out is not the right
    way to go.   Some books suggest using toys and/or making a big
    production out of leaving and returning to help them learn that
    what is out of sight is not necessarily gone forever.  Don't know
    if I believe it though.
    
    One of the things that has helped me a bit in the mornings when I
    drop Jason off, is to have them (babysitter + Jason) walk outside
    with me.   The outdoors seems to distract or calm him somewhat.
    
    You might also consider not going home for lunch if it's too hard
    on you and the baby until this phase passes.
    
    Good luck,  Carol

Your mother is right, this is EXACTLY the right time for separation anxiety.
When you come, he wants to go with you.  It would probably be easier on him
if you did not come for mid-day visits, but come when you are going to take
him with you.  The daycare next to the office offers lunch for parents (with
their kids) anyday for $2 per day.  However, there are certain ages they do
NOT recommend that parents come during the day, and 6-15 months is one of them.

I hope your mother is not offended, it is very normal.  Good Luck!

Kristen

    Nick began having seperation anxiety at about the same age (9 or 10
    months). I was shocked when it began, since I was under the impression
    that it wouldn't begin until he was older (1 1/2-2 yrs). 
    
    What the day care center recommended to help alleviate the problem was
    for Nick & I to get into a regular routine when I dropped him off:
    
    	- try to arrive at the same time (+/- 5 minutes) every day. (Tough,
    	but it can be done.)
    
    	- let Nick 'help' me put his things away...lunch & milk into the
    	refrigerator; bibs, etc. into his cubbie; diaper bag onto his hook;
    	etc...
    
    	- hand Nick over to the same teacher every day.
    		 
    However, the most important thing they stressed was to avoid a quick
    dropoff & departure. They also advised me to never sneak out, and
    always make it a point to say goodbye without turning it into a long,
    drawn-out exit. 
    
    Many times, though, he'd still be screaming when it was time for me to
    leave, even after having followed our routine. It broke my heart, but I 
    still did it...I tried not to go back into the room once we said our 
    final goodbyes, since this would just bring us back to square 1. When I
    went back in the afternoon to pick him up, I'd find out that he stopped
    crying as soon as I left and was fine for the rest of the day.
    
    Once the routine was in place for a couple of weeks, we noticed a big
    improvement in his behavior. Very rarely will he pitch a fit at my
    departure anymore, and then, only when something else is bothering
    him (teething, having his car-nap interrupted, etc...).
    
    Be strong & patient. Good luck.
    
    Freddie
    
    
    P.S. They also asked that I avoid mid-day visits, since Nick associated
    my return with the end of his day. We all agreed that he would get too
    confused and/or upset if he saw me leave without him twice in one day.

    It certainly is a common experience, and a fairly expectable age. 
    Most of the time it is harder on the parent than the kid, who probably
    recovers within a couple of minutes, while mom/dad feels guilty and
    worries the rest of the day.  In my experience, the phase is likely to
    pass (or at least get better) fairly soon if the parent gets
    comfortable with the behavior, and doesn't linger and show anxiety.  It
    will crop up again from time to time, though, with changes in age,
    setting, or care provider (or after family vacations!).  Many kids do
    find a second mid-day separation worse than the morning one, in which
    case you should stay away; but some like the mid-day visit.
    
    		- Bruce

    I agree with a previous noter regarding no quickie drops ops. From day
    1 with my daugther almost 13 mths I always take the additional minutes
    to make sure she's settled in and say goodbye directly to her and tell
    I'll see her later even though she doesn't quite understand. So far,
    she's not acting up at daycare. However, our downstairs door leads
    to cars which she associates with. So, I can never leave her with dad
    in that room without fussing. I am sure this will pass too
    

    I have always had difficulty separaring from my son. Only in the last
    year (he just turned 4) has it gotten a lot easier for him to cope with
    it. I just had to accept the fact that lunch time visits weren't really
    possible since they were too upsetting for him (and me!!) when it came
    time for me to leave. 
    
     But...in my case, I could never CONSISTENTLY have lunch with him as
    you seem to be able to do. In my case, my son expected that when I
    showed up at daycare, it was to bring him home!! Your child, on the
    other hand, might eventually comprehend that Mommy comes twice a day
    and it's that 2nd visit that takes him home. Maybe he (she? I forget)
    will adjust?

    I can certainly relate to this.  I started leaving my son 
    (now 16 months) when he was 13 months.  He would scream and carry
    on and I would leave feeling unwhole and totally guilty for leaving.
    This went on for awhile, but now when I leave him, I say goodbye
    and he doesn't make a sound.  He adjusted just fine.  But I think
    it depends on the child, every child is different.  Yours may adjust
    soon or later, but they eventually adjust.  I used to call when
    I got to work, and every morning she said the same thing "He was
    fine 5 minutes after you left" (here I was imagining he was screaming
    for hours!
    
    I agree that maybe you shouldn't go for the noon visits.  It might
    be easier for both of you.  I didn't want to confuse my son, but
    it really depends, after all it is your son and your decision.
    I know it is hard and you miss him all day, I am tempted to go visit
    during the day, but fortunately daycare is in Worcester and I work
    in Marlboro!  I can still cherish the times I pick him up, that's
    the best part.
    
    Good luck - Anne

In addition to the excellent comments you've gotten so far, see similar 
discussions in Parenting_V2.  Even if the noting community is unable to give 
you any solutions that make you feel better, the sheer volume of notes on this 
subject will surely let you know that you are not alone in facing, or having 
faced, this problem.

Clay

    James started in with this when he was 8 months, and now that he's 2.5
    we're going through it again.  
    
    Do not, repeat, DO NOT, sneak out.  Why?  Because if you do it enough,
    you won't be able to go to the bathroom at home without a little one
    wailing piteously at your departure.  Kids don't have the concept of
    "object permanence" at this age -- when something falls out of their
    line of sight, or someone leaves, they think it's gone forever.
    
    For the time being, I'd skip the noontime visits.  Can someone else
    drop off and/or pick up your baby for a while so that s/he doesn't
    always associate you with "leaving" him?  Sometimes when James is
    really being awful about going to the sitter's, my husband will arrange
    to take him there for a couple of days.  This way, we aren't casting
    ourselves into "Mommy the villain, Daddy the hero" roles.

    It is awful, but you both will adjust. 
    
    --bonnie

    Me too!!! Thanks for the note...our 8 month old just decided she might
    not want to leave us.  I have been working 3 days since she was 4
    months old.  We have already tried a couple of the ideas in this note,
    and they do work.  The idea to have Mom and Dad switch off on the drop
    off/pick up - helps the parents as much as the child. You each get to
    see how the child reacts each part of the day, and you can understand
    TOGETHER how tough it is.  I could never go home at lunchtime, it would
    break my heart.  But when ever my husband calls at lunchtime (I can't 
    even do that!) she is always fine and stopped crying shortly after we
    left.  I fully expected this to happen, but it's still very very hard.
    
    I know she loves us, and I know her babysitter is great....I guess it's
    just another...this too will pass!
    
    Donna
    

    I am at Wit's End!!!!  All this week Joshua (17 months) has pitched
    a major fit every morning when we drop him off at daycare.  Somewhere
    it this file it was suggested to try and let daddy take him in and
    leave him--even that didn't work, Daddy took him but the minute
    he turned to leave Joshua started crying hysterically and clinging
    to his legs (same thing he does to me every morning).  Several times
    I have called once I arrive at work and they say he is fine within
    minutes after we leave.  Still, I can't handle this scene every
    morning--I show up at work a nervous wreck and feeling guilty as
    h*ll.  I have tried diversion with toys, breakfast muffins, etc.,
    trying to explain to Josh that we are going to work and will be
    back in the afternoon (does he understand?), timeouts, handing him
    right to the lady who watches the kids until their normal teachers
    arrive, involving him with the other kids, trying to get him interested
    in the videos the kids watch until moving into their regular rooms
    and being firm, etc., etc, etc.....The daycare says this is very
    normal for his age, not to worry, and he is fine within minutes
    but how do we deal with it?????
    
    Thanks in advance for your advice.
    Pam  

re: .12

>    I have called once I arrive at work and they say he is fine within
>    minutes after we leave.  Still, I can't handle this scene every
>    morning--I show up at work a nervous wreck and feeling guilty as
>    h*ll.  I have tried   . . .
>    The daycare says this is very
>    normal for his age, not to worry, and he is fine within minutes
>    but how do we deal with it?????
    
From my experience, there is nothing that you can do to PREVENT your son's 
reaction.  You've tried all the things that I know of.  I also think that 
you're doing the right thing by calling to make sure that everything is going 
OK.  There is no "magic strategy" that will prevent the reaction.

Second, a lot of well meaning folks will tell you "Don't worry".  If that's 
possible, follow that advice, but from my experience, that's difficult.
If you can't "not worry", I'd suggest starting out ten minutes earlier, and 
when you get to work, go to someplace private and cry or find some sympathetic 
co-worker to have a cup of coffee with, or do something so that you have time 
to diffuse some of your anxiety.  Talk a lot.  In this notesfile.  To other 
parents.  To your ped.  To your spouse.  If you haven't already, read the 
previous responses to this note.

Once again from my experience, a couple of things will happen.  One, your son 
will get adjusted, and separation anxiety incidents will become less severe 
and less frequent.  Second, you will start to adjust yourself, and you will be 
somewhat upset, but not a nervous wreck, or guilty as hell.

Good luck.  Keep talking.

Clay

    In re: .12
    
    Basically, you've just got to grin and bear it.
    
    Almost all kids do this from time to time.  It is almost always
    just trouble dealing with the transition, rather than unhappiness with
    the daycare.  I think attempted distraction or the like is unlikely to
    help, and drawing out the departure will just make the pain last
    longer. What I found most helpful was observing OTHER parents and kids
    having trouble separating, but bouncing quickly back (the KIDS, that
    is!).  That helped be to learn to feel less guilty and anxious.  This,
    in turn, helped my kids get through it more easily.  It is "a phase,"
    short, if you're lucky.  It also may recur.  Eric, at age 4.5, did this
    strongly for one week this fall, and then went back to his usual
    carefree separations again.  I still have no idea why.
    
    I also found it helpful, when dealing with "working parents guilt," to
    recall that when I was little, most kids went through the same thing
    when starting nursery school or kindergarten at age 4, 5, or 6.  These
    days, pre-schoolers often get most of this behind them by age 2!
    
    		- Bruce

    Even though I still have a problems occasionally with separation from 
    Justine in the morning, and even when I leave her with her dad 2 nights
    a week for my exercise class, I think that one thing that helps her is
    a couple favorite stuffed animals. She has 2 at home that she drags
    around the house. Plus she has developed an attachment to 2 a the
    sitters house. These particular stuffed animals have silky ribbons
    around their necks which she likes to feel but she has turned into a
    hugger as well.
    
    I think you are already doing this, but I do take extra time at the
    sitters to help her get adjusted. Then by the time I'm ready to say
    goodbye she is quick to wave and get back to the activity. 
    
    good luck, Jan

    The advice here is wise...
    
    another 0.2 worth of suggestions...
    
    on the "cheerful side"...
    
    Plan something to look forward to doing with you when you get home and
    involve him/her (sorry I can't remember if it's your son or daughter !)
    
    ... slightly less cheerful...
    
    I had this problem and had to change my day-care arrangements.  Nothing
    against the daycare person - but I had to admit that my daughter was
    just not happy there - for whatever reason...!  As a working, single
    mom, changing arrangements that suit the parents well, (and of course
    are appropriate for the child) is a difficult thing to do.  
    
    as a previous noter recommended - continue talking... my colleagues and
    friends at work really were my life saver while this was going on !
    
    Good luck !

    Well, something worked this morning.  I dropped Joshua off without
    a fit but did some things differently.  1-took a favorite stuffed
    animal.  2-put him back in the crib (he hasn't been going to the
    crib at daycare for about 2 month, but maybe he feels safer in a
    more confined area).  3-took his breakfast and juice to daycare
    instead of feeding him at home before.  4-matter of factly told
    him good bye and gave him a hug then walked away without looking
    back.
    
    Ahhh, starting the day without tears was wonderful!!!!
    
    Pam

.13>From my experience, there is nothing that you can do to PREVENT your son's 
    reaction.  

.17>    Well, something worked this morning.  

Well, so much for my experience.  Glad that things worked out.  Excellent 
ideas!  I'm glad someone thought of the security item.  Incidentally, if he 
has enough of them that you can leave it there,  it's a good idea.  It's easy 
to forget it when you take him in the morning, or when you go home at night.

Expect regressions -- don't be suprised if there are setbacks after the 
holidays.  But you now know that it's not a permanent, every day situation, 
and there are things that work for you and Joshua to alleviate the 
situation.

Then you can move on the the next phase.  That's when you want to give the 
goodbye hug/kiss, and he's off doing something else and has forgotten about 
you.   ;^)

Clay

    Do expect surprises.  Well after they had gotten past that separation
    trauma stage, Aaron and Eric went through another phase that was _worse_.
    It was a "won't leave home" stage.  Won't get dressed; won't put on
    coat; won't get in car; won't get in car seat; won't let it get
    buckled.  It really sometimes took a semi-violent wrestling match to
    get under way, followed by 150 decibel screams the first mile or so on
    the road.  The funny thing was that when we actually arrived at
    pre-school, they were fine: went in happily, soon absorbed in some
    activity, casual good-bye to parent.  And there was sometimes a small
    scale version of the tantrum when leaving pre-school to go home!  With
    both boys, this occured in the 2.5 to 3 age range, and lasted a few
    weeks.  It wasn't at all unhappiness with their pre-schools, but rather
    became for awhile the focus of the recurring struggles over _control_.
    
    Nowadays, Eric almost never gives me a hard time (famous last words!),
    at the ripe old age of 4.5.  But I'm told that he regularly has a hard
    time on Wednesday mornings, when his mom is dropping him off, and he
    won't see her again for several days.  I don't have this problem, since
    the reverse transition is usually on the weekend.
    
    		- Bruce

    re:.17
    
    Glad to hear that something worked! As Clay said in .18, however, don't
    be surprised if there is a regression, but keep in mind that it probably
    won't last long, and can probably be lessened by trying some other
    technique suggested in this note.
    
    Freddie
    
    P.S. I don't know which makes me feel more miserable: When Nick gets 
    clingy & pitches a fit; or when he jumps right into what's happening at
    daycare and virtually ignores my departure i.e. no goodbyes or hugs :^(

    Does this help anyone??
    
    At AJ's daycare the teachers make a "big Deal" of taking a waving
    good-bye through the window.  Each parent had their own way of saying
    bye; a toot-toot on the horn, a blink of the headlights, for us either
    I flash my dashboard redlight briefly, or his dad puts on his light-bar
    for about one revolution. (Sorry, but he's *SO* proud his dad's a
    firefighter, and mom's on the ambulance he just has to brag!)  They
    seem to feel "in control" if they get in the last wave! 
    
    I went through it too, bigtime, when I used a center for a week's
    vacation a year ago, and recently he's been a little more clingy since
    he's been in the new center, but they really do calm down within a few
    minutes.  Trust me I used to care for infants and toddlers in a Sunday
    School setting, it only lasts a few minutes!
    
    Lyn

    Hi Gang,
    
    	Does anyone have any advice as to how to help a baby
    get through "separation anxiety"?  My daughter, Alexa, (6 1/2
    months old) is having a terrible time of it.  My husband and
    I work separate shifts so there is just a 3 hour time span 
    where Alexa would need a day care provider.  Well, we tried
    a few and the outcome seems to be the same--the day care
    provider says she goes into a complete state of panic and
    cannot be distracted.  Poor Alexa upsets the other children
    at the family day care home--so this isn't a choice anymore.
    Luckily, I have an understanding supervisor and am
    now back to working part-time hours so I can be home with
    Alexa when my husband leaves for work. 
    
    	I am planning on getting involved in a "mommy and me" class
    at the YWCA--other than that does anyone have any suggestions
    as to how I can help Alexa through this tough time?  She is 
    a very smiley, social baby even with complete strangers as
    long as I am in view.
    
    Thanks in advance,
    
    Sheryl

Sheryl,

I don't know if any of this will help as I don't remember if my
first experienced this, but do you have a lifesized photo of
your face you could leave for your child to look at?  Another
thing might be to have you sleep with one of her blankets for
a few nights so it smells like you and leave that with her
as well.

Liz

    Thanks, Liz--those are wonderful suggestions that I never thought
    of--I'll give them a try!!!
    
    Sheryl
    

    Marc (2.3) has been going to a new daycare center for about 4 months,
    for the most part, happily.  (It took him about a month or so to get
    adjusted, since he only goes twice a weeek).  All the sudden, he seems
    to be going thru a new round of separation anxiety just like the first
    day we walked in there... insisting I carry him in, hanging onto my leg
    when I go to leave, running after me, crying, etc.  Nothing that I'm
    aware of has happened at home or at school to explain it.  Is this
    just a temporary regression?  Has anyone else experienced this?  How
    long will it last??

    Deb,
    
    Eric (3.5) went through the samething around that age.  He goes
    to the same daycare center since he was 15 months old.  There are
    days that he cann't wait to get there and there are days that he
    cries and cries.  I think, as long as you know he is happy after
    you left, then not to worry.
    
    Wendy