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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:Parenting
Notice:READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:CSC32::DUBOIS
Created:Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1364
Total number of notes:23848

504.0. "Generations Compete for Attention" by CECV01::POND () Tue Nov 13 1990 12:14

    My three year old daughter, Elizabeth, seems to get particularly whiny and
    uncooperative when her grandma (my mother) visits.  I suspect she's
    envious of the attention I give my mother and is "acting-out."
    
    My daughter is delightful when my mother is alone with her and I'm off
    to work, but when we are all together the brat-like behavior Elizabeth 
    exhibits is very irritating.
    
    So...my questions are as follows:
    
    	Does anybody else out there have this problem?
    
    	How did you handle it?
    
    Just as an aside, my mother lives in NYC and I live in the Boston area. 
    We don't get together all that often, so I would like to be able to
    give my mother some attention when she comes for a visit.  And, of
    course, I'd like my mother and my daughter to have a good relationship.  
    
    Any suggestions?
    
    Lois
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name		DateLines
504.2Go for one-on-one!CIVIC::JANEBSee it happen => Make it happenFri Nov 16 1990 11:3420
    Lois,
    
    I've been giving alot of thought to your situation - I realized that
    that same kind of thing happens around here, when my mother comes. 
    Thinking about those visits, and the recent 3-generation visitors we
    had recently (ages 14, 58, 91), I think one answer lies in breaking the
    triangle!  You have three great relationships going there:
    		You and Elizabeth
    		You and your mom
    		Elizabeth and her grandmother
    
    If you all get enough of those combos, it will be easier to put up with
    the times when it's necessary for all three to be together at the same
    time (meals, etc).  
    
    Thanks for bringing this up!  I never saw the pattern before - I wish
    my mom was coming soon! 
    
    Jane
504.1POWDML::SATOWFri Nov 16 1990 11:5135
Some suggestions.  Note that these are all "coping" type of suggestions that 
don't directly address the brattiness.

	- Is your grandmother an "early to bed" kind of person?  If not,
 	  you can spend your time with her after your daughter is in bed.

	- Have your husband or a babysitter take your daughter out for
	  something special -- playground (weather permitting), fast food
	  restaurant, ice cream, whatever.  You can spend the relaxed time
	  at home with your mother.

	- Does your daughter have any daycare or nursery school friends that
	  she can go over an play with?  She may regard that as "special", and 
	  you could reciprocate with the other parents by offering to take 
	  care of their child some other time.  A variation on this may be to
	  invite the friend over and have your husband or a babysitter deal
	  with the needs of your daughter and her friend.

	- Go out with your mother to a nice dinner.  Your daughter may act out 
	  (of course, don't give in to the acting out and cancel your evening 
	  out), but it will be your husband or the babysitter who has to deal 
	  with it.

	- How is your daughter in the car?  If she finds travelling in the
	  car relaxing or soothing (preferably falling asleep), you can 
	  take a trip that involves a long drive -- example Plimoth Plantation
	  or Old Sturbridge Village, and chat with your mother along the way.

I guess I regard the visits from my mother as being more heavily weighted to 
grandchildren/grandparent bonding than for me to spend time with her.  Three 
of my granparents died before I was born, and the fourth died when I was only 
three years old, so I don't remember any of them -- which I deeply regret.  
That heavily colors my thinking.

Clay