Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Alicia has also been going through a mouthy stage.  It is driving me
    crazy.  (She turned 4 last month).  She has been being a monster for
    about three weeks.  I really think she is getting cabin fever so
    yesterday I took her for a long walk/run and I noticed a big difference
    in her attitude.  I am hoping this is the problem because I don't know 
    how much more I can take.  I really think I also need to get out.  I
    have been feeling pretty crabby myself.
    
    Angie  
    
    
    
    
      

    Maybe it's the switch to Daylight Saving Time or something...James
    has ample opportunities to play outside; it's just that some days,
    no matter WHAT you suggest, he doesn't want to do it.
    
    Driving all of us nuts....

    Alyssa, who turned 4 in November, will say things like, "Mom, I wasn't
    talking to you!"  or other little snappy comments.  All I say to her
    is, "Alyssa, don't be fresh!  It's not very nice"  And she usually
    stops being so snippy.  
    
    I wouldn't offer your child anything for not being snippy or fresh. 
    Bad habit you don't want to get into.  Once your child knows what being
    fresh is, maybe those times will be far and few between.  
    
    And this too shall pass...
    
    

    We occasionally have the same problems with our son, Tobias.
    The only thing that really works when he's being defiant is
    to say that if he continues to be defiant then we'll take away
    the toy he's playing with, or take some other action that
    he's most likely to find unacceptable.
    
    That is, we define the consequences of his actions and force
    him to make a choice.
    
    

    My son Daniel turned four in November. I think he says "NO!" more now
    than he ever did at two! It gets very tiresome. A friend of mine says
    that two-year-olds get all the press but four-year-olds are really much
    tougher -- she may be right.
    
    I bought the book "Your Four-Year-Old" by Ilg and Ames, part of the
    series (there's one for each year up to maybe six or so). It really was
    helpful. One thing they recommend is to let certain things slide if
    they aren't too serious, because otherwise you will get sucked into a
    no-win battle. I think they are saying that it isn't always so
    important to enforce every limit and boundary.
    
    The two areas where I try to ignore Daniel are in using "bad" words and
    in verbal defiance. When he refuses a request, I offer choices, or
    ignore him for a  while then make my request again. If he refuses to do
    something, I let him know he will lose a privilege if he refuses a
    third time.
    
    The thing that makes up for all this is his enthusiasm and positive
    energy and imagination - what a spirit!
    
    Lucy

    Ryan is 3 yrs. 8 months and has already displayed some of the behaviors
    described here. The one that gets me is when he says "you don't make
    the rules" - I explain that not only do I make the rules but WHY
    they're there (for safety etc.).  
    
    Rather than constantly arguing or picking up on the negatives, I really
    make an effort to give him attention for the positive behaviors, like
    picking up toys without being told, and helping his little brother. 
    
    My daycare provider comments that even the nicest kids go through this
    phase.....
    

    P.S. 
    One additional comment - something I remember reading in an earlier
    version of PARENTING. This seems to be the age of fascination with
    bathroom words,such as pee and poop. I've simply told Ryan that if he
    wants to use those words in a silly manner, he can go stand in the
    bathroom by himself. He challenged me the first time I said this,
    asking if that means they're bad words. I said no, but that if he
    chooses to use them in a silly way he can talk to himself alone, in the
    bathroom. Since then, the fun has gone out of it for him and he doesn't
    say them as much.
    
    

    One comment on the idea of "ignore the first time, warn the second
    time, implement consequences the third time" ....
    
    When you do this, you have taught your child that he can get away with
    something 2x with impunity, and needn't worry about anything more than
    listening to your threats, as long as he stops by 3. *Is* this really
    what you want him to think? If so, then go ahead, if it works for you.
    But, be aware that if there should come a time when you *need* him to
    do it the first time, or *want* him to stop something right away, he
    will feel you are being very unfair if he receives consequences when
    he's done something "only once". Remember, you taught him that anything
    up to time number 3 was "okay".
    
    Definitely choose your battles. But if it's something you can't live
    with (and that will be different in each family), then apply the
    consequences after the *first* time, *every* time. As long as a child
    has been told before that an action/word/attitude is unaccepatable, he
    can be held accountable. Don't believe, "I forgot"....they can remember
    the most amazingly, fantasticly detailed events and circumstances from
    years past, but will "forget" what you told them 3 hours ago! In our
    home, forgetting is not an excuse. It *does* cut down on the
    "forgetting"!
    
    Try it ... we find that it cuts down the stress level quite a bit!
    
    --dave-- 
                                                                         

    
    
    Good Grief!  I have a 2 1/2 year old who pulls this very same crap.
    What will happen when he turns 4!!!!!!!!!  
    He'll say things (mostly to my husband and my mother, who, by the way
    let him get away with alot more than I do).  No, I don't want to,
    leave me ALONE!  Stop talking to me! Don't tell my dog what to do!
    (When we tell dog to go lay down).  Fortunately, I can say to him,
    the next time you say that, you're going in the chair (naughty chair).
    If he does it again, in the chair he goes, and he can't come out/off
    until he's apoligized.  Or if I ask him to come over here, and he says
    he doesn't want to or starts to get silly, I'll say "please come over 
    here or I'll bring you over here myself".  Bang, he listens.  
    He'll still have his days where he's not inclined to listen to anything
    I have to say, but I make it hard for him to "enjoy" that behavior.
    I realize that he's 2 1/2 and you've got another year and a half worth of 
    "kid" on your hands!  
    
    What works for me is I'm really firm with him, but that doesn't mean we 
    don't have fun.  If we're playing and we get carried away, I don't
    reprimand him if he gets too crazy or crosses the boundaries I just try
    to settle our play down a bit. But I will usually let him know when the 
    line has been crossed and warn him nicely to high-tail it back over to 
    his side of that line.  This way he knows the acceptable from the
    unacceptable. 
    
    I think "they" need to "know" what the boundaries are.  If they don't
    then we run the risk of raising wild little buggers.
    

    RE.>> JUST WAIT UNTIL 5!!!!
    
    HA!  Just wait till the teens.  You'll wish they were terrible 2/3/4
    again. 
    
    Marie

    >> HA!  Just wait till the teens.  You'll wish they were terrible 2/3/4
    >> again. 
    
    I'll second that, with some authority, since we have a 3, 5 and 17 year
    old.  At least the 3 & 5 year olds listen once in a while!