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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:Parenting
Notice:READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:CSC32::DUBOIS
Created:Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1364
Total number of notes:23848

1332.0. "How old to use rest rooms by themselves?" by AKOCOA::TRIPP () Fri Mar 13 1992 11:23

    I don't see this addressed in any of the toileting issues, so here
    goes...
    
    AJ is 5, is he old enough to be sent to a public men's room by himself? 
    In most cases when he's out somewhere he's usually with me (the
    shopaholic, but that's another story)  I still usually take him into
    the ladies' room with  me, but he IS getting old enough to notice there
    are "differences", even in the design of the men's and ladies' rooms,
    and the "way" men and women use the rooms.
    
    I'm just a little hesitant to let him go by himself, but I need to let
    go of him just a little I guess.  Then what do I do with him when I'm
    the one who needs to use the facilities.
    
    We've all heard the stories of kids kidnapped in restrooms, mutilated
    etc. and this thing comes to mind in this situation.
    
    Any suggestions??
    
    Lyn
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1332.1See also V257784::SATOWFri Mar 13 1992 11:356
Lyn,

I know the dilemma.  In addition to replies you get here, see Parenting_V2, 
topic 355.

Clay
1332.2Still bringing himNETCUR::VASSILFri Mar 13 1992 11:5213
Hi,

    Well, Pete is 6 and I still bring him in with me.  I figure there is
    enough privacy in there for everyone.  I don't trust anyone, not even
    for a minute!  And I certainly don't care what others, who are using
    the restroom, might think.

    I'd rather get the odd stares now than their sympathy if something 
    terrible was to happen.  

    I figure when he starts school, this fall, he'll see the difference.  

    Linda
1332.3They grow up too fast !!FSOA::DJANCAITISto risk is to liveFri Mar 13 1992 13:3230
I had NEVER let Matt go alone until he was @6-1/2 and then it was only in 
areas where there wasn't much "activity" - in the grocery store, in a relatively
quiet restaurant - and I ALWAYS made sure I waited outside the door for him -
got some stares, but hey, he's my kid and I wanted to be able to hear him if
he called me.  You see, before I started letting Matt go alone, I made sure he
understood that **sometimes** there may be some people in the restroom that
will try to bother him or that will be different from him - for the first, he
knows !!!Don't let them !!!! and for the second, just go about his own 
"business" and come out quickly.

Any place we've gone that's very crowded or has a questionable "crowd" of
people (like going to the Centrum), I ALWAYS took Matt with me up until
recently.  Last fall at the BIG E was one of my most anxiety-producing episodes
with Matt, almost 7 at the time.  There was a LLLLLLLOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGG
line for the ladies room, so I held my breath and let him go into the men's
room alone.  But once again, I was right outside the door (could actually see
into the entry way when the door opened) and we went over the "what to do"
items before he went in.

I definitely don't envy you going through this dilemna !!!!  It was a really
tough one for me and even now I'm not comfortable with it.  But at 7-1/2,
Matt's more comfortable going into the "MEN'S ROOM" all by himself and I guess
I have to let him 8*} !!  'Course, we haven't been to many really crowded 
places lately either !!!!!!

One of the first (??) steps of "letting go" ?!?!???????

Debbi J


1332.4daughters alone in ladies' room?TNPUBS::STEINHARTLauraFri Mar 13 1992 14:144
    How do fathers handle it when they are out with their daughters without
    Mom?   Same concerns?  Same way of handling it?
    
    Thanks
1332.5I was about to ask the sameKAOFS::M_FETTalias Mrs.BarneyFri Mar 13 1992 14:555
    And, as Lyn pointed out, there is the situation in which 
    the parent must attend to natures call - what are other folks' 
    guidelines for when to bring the child in with them, etc.
    
    Monica
1332.6Cub FoodsCSC32::DUBOISLoveFri Mar 13 1992 15:4634
We drove through Las Vegas recently, and stopped at Circus Circus.  At the
women's restrooms there they have signs that say no boy children *older*
than 6 years old should be in the women's restroom.

Evan caught me by surprise a couple of weeks ago (he was nearly 4).  Shellie
had warned me not to take Evan alone to Cub Foods, but she was afraid he would
get bored and misbehave.  On the contrary, he was fine.  *However*, *just* when
my items were beginning to be rung up, Evan starts jumping up and down saying
"I hafta go potty!"  Now this is the supermarket where you have to bag your
own groceries, and I didn't know *what* to do.  So I asked him if he could go 
without me, and he thought so, so I pointed to the restrooms (I could see them)
and off he went.  I watched him look at both the men's and the women's, and
he chose the men's.  My heart sunk.  I wrote my check quickly, made sure my
groceries weren't in anyone's way *yet* (they still needed to be bagged),
and placed myself outside of the door.  Yes, I got strange looks, too.
And he took a long time, of course.  Finally I shouted, "Evan?  Are you okay?"
and he shouted back that he was fine.  Just as I was getting ready to go in
myself, and shout in to discover if any man was in there, too, a man started
to come to use the restroom.  He was an employee, and I asked him to let me
know if Evan was alone.  Instead, he told me, smiling, "I can see his ankles."
Then he disappeared into the restroom.

I *really* didn't know what to do.  I hung around just a little more, then
bagged my groceries as fast as I could, watching the door.  After a while, they
both came out.  Evan said the man had helped him get the toilet paper (probably
those new dispensers).  I had Evan relate the entire story to me, and it all
seemed fine, but that was when I had my first talk with Evan about child
sexual abuse.  Scary stuff. 

I don't know how old he will be when I will allow him to be by himself again
in a men's room (I'm not nearly as worried about a women's room), but it will
be at least age 6, I think.  And I'm not taking him to Cub's alone anymore. :-}

       Carol
1332.7When my son is out if diapers, it'll be easier to take care of him.MARX::SULLIVANWe have met the enemy, and they is us!Fri Mar 13 1992 16:2614
As the father of a 4 year old daughter, I find this one of the most uncomfortable
situations to find myself in. Obviously, if she has to go, my only option is the
mens room.

I don't like taking her in a mens room because many times the urinals are not
"private". Just hung on the wall in a row. I'm not a prude, but I also would
rather my 4 year old girl not have to deal with seeing a row of strange men
relieving themselves.

She is about to the age where I would feel comfortable letting her go into the
ladies room by herself (she's a VERY independent 4 year old). However, she still
usually insists that I go with her.

I'm much happier when my wife is with us. Then it's her job! :-)
1332.8Not until he can fight back...NEWPRT::WAHL_ROFri Mar 13 1992 17:2333
re .0 and the last

>I don't like taking her in a mens room because many times the urinals are not
>"private". Just hung on the wall in a row. I'm not a prude, but I also would
>rather my 4 year old girl not have to deal with seeing a row of strange men
>relieving themselves.

I've offered and been asked by several men to take their daughters/nieces -
etc.. to the restroom.  No problem - most moms with little ones will be
stopping there anyway.
  
I'm sorry to say but biology makes the sexes unequal on this one.  I've
believe that public men's restrooms are a much more dangerous place for
children than women's restrooms.  I have a 7 year old son who still goes with 
me to the women's restroom if no trustworthy male is around.  We know of a
10 year old who was abused in a men's room at a well known restaurant - 
therefore I'll risk embarrassment over his safety anytime.

Also, women's restrooms are usually private stalls with doors.  I am NOT
offended at all when I see male children in the women's restroom.

I took my son and 3 of his friends to the FORUM (where the Lakers play) for
the Disney on Ice show last month.  All 4 went with me into the women's restroom
before the trip home.  One little friend protested and was told "Not here 
without Dad".

Rochelle


P.S. He has used the men's room alone here at our Digital facility -
     as I stood outside listening....


1332.9HYEND::C_DENOPOULOSNow where did I put that p_n?Mon Mar 16 1992 19:0611
    I'm a male with 3 daughters.  I always either had my wife with me or
    took an older female relative whenever I went somewhere for a long
    time.  For short trips, everyone hit the bathroom before we left.
    The only time I remember running into that problem is when one daughter
    had to go to the bathroom while at a department store.  I asked a
    teenage employee if she'd take her for me.  She did and that was that.
    
    Chris D.
    
    P.S. If you're a single guy with a daughter, this is a great way to
    pick up girls!   :^)  Just kidding! 
1332.10MOIRA::FAIMANlight upon the figured leafTue Mar 17 1992 12:344
I never had any qualms about taking Elspeth into the men's room with me,
up to the age where we were willing to send her off by herself.

	-Neil
1332.11This is what I do!GEMINI::NICKERSONTue Mar 17 1992 13:0315
    Having three boys I've had to address this issue often.  I had my
    oldest come into the Ladies room with me until he REALLY started
    protesting.  He was probably around 6 - 7 when he began refusing to go
    into the "Girls" room.  His younger brother was a bit younger than that
    because he had my oldest telling him he shouldn't go in THAT room!  
    
    Unless I know the area VERY well, I always stay right outside the Men's
    room door while the kids are in there - if I have both with me then
    they have to go in together whether both need it or not.  I tell them
    that if they're not out of there pretty quickly I'll come in after them
    (and I have on more than one occassion!).  I also make eye contact with
    every man going in and out of the restroom - I really don't care if
    they think I'm weird - those kids are TOO important to me!
    
    Linda
1332.12HE'S BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG....A1VAX::DISMUKEKwik-n-e-z! That's my motto!Tue Mar 17 1992 13:1214
    I have two boys (ages 5 and 7).  I like telling Dad "Your job!" when we
    are together, but when I am with them alone, I send them together. 
    When in a restaurant, the older can/will go alone, but I am cautious of
    how long he's gone.  A few times, I've sent either a male member of our
    party in or gone myself to the door.  My little one will always go with
    his brother now that I know he can't manage himself.  He went to one
    restroom alone because he "was a big boy".  I waited outside the area. 
    And I waited, and I waited.  Well, I was getting anxious.  No one else
    was in there - I knew that, but what happened.  Finally I went to the
    door and swung it open and hollered in "Hey, are you OK?"  He said,
    "Thanks mom, I couldn't pull the door open!"  Now when he goes alone, I
    wait 1 minute then push the door for him!
    
    
1332.13They told *me* when it wasn't okay....DSSDEV::STEGNERWed Mar 18 1992 18:3711
    I have three boys...  I always took them to the ladies' room-- even
    when hubby *was* with us ("Mens' rooms are dirty.  Take them to the 
    ladies' room.", he'd always say.)
    
    The two older boys refused to go to the ladies' room when they were 7 and 
    6.  I usually have both of them with me, so I got to send them into the
    mens' room *together*.  But I still hung around outside the door.
    
    I still drag the 2 1/2 year old to the ladies' room.  I've got a few
    more years left with him..  :-)
                 
1332.14CLUSTA::BINNSTue Mar 31 1992 15:4619
    I take my girls with me into the men's room - ages 4 and 2.  Questions
    about urinals don't bother me -- they know how men urinate, and I just
    explain the plumbing (porcelan and other) to them.
    
    When they're comfortable going to the ladies room alone, I'll let them.
    
    The boy, age 7,  is comfortable going to the men's room alone. 
    
    I wait in an appropriate location for him, as I will for them (as I
    would for my wife, or a friend).
    
    They know that no one is to touch them or otherwise bother them.
    
    I must admit I am troubled by the implication that public rest rooms are
    particularly dangerous places, filled with kidnappers and perverts.
    It contributes to  myth that danger to children comes primarily from 
    strangers.  
    
    Kit
1332.15POWDML::SATOWThu Apr 02 1992 20:2019
re: .14

>    I must admit I am troubled by the implication that public rest rooms are
>    particularly dangerous places, filled with kidnappers and perverts.
>    It contributes to  myth that danger to children comes primarily from 
>    strangers.  
    
Kit,

Fair enough, but I'd point out that:

- If perverts and kidnappers are going to hang out around a public place, 
  public restrooms are one place they are likely to hang out

- There is the issue of privacy of the children, and of the other users of 
  the public restroom.

Clay