| Marv,
Do you mean that he isn't as macho as you would like, or that he
doesn't take an interest in male bonding activities like sports events,
fishing, etc.? One thing to remember is that not all boys are
naturally interested in these things, and if he is not that does not
mean he is abnormal.
Also in my family my father was much more aware of my brothers
shortcomings than mine or my sisters'. Sometimes I wonder if this
isn't a father/son thing as I have noticed it in other families; where
the man is very critical of the son almost as if the child is a
projection of himself. Please don't take offense as this is pure
conjecture, lacking more details from you.
Linda
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| Marv, I'd say that what you've put in here is very nicely put. Why
don't you just repeat what you've said here?
In these types of situation the best policy is honesty and openess. It
also may be a nice situation to explain that you and his mom want a
child, what is being done about it, and to see how your step son might
feel about an addition to the family.
Someone here said there is a "blended families" notesfile, maybe
someone there could give first hand advise.
Good luck, and whatever you do just keep your calm.
Lyn
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| Marv, in couples counseling, we were talk a way to communicate using "I"
messages. It is something to the effect of:
"I feel <emotion> because you <action>. What I would like from you is <action>.
Will you do that?"
All parts of this are important. If you just do the first sentence, it can
come out more like an accusation. What you want to do is show 1) how it
affects you emotionally (angry, sad, etc), 2) what you think would be a good
solution, and then 3) give the person the option of agreeing to it *or not*.
In giving a possible solution, this shows that you don't just want to complain,
but that you are looking toward a solution to help the family. By asking the
other person whether they will do what you suggest, you show that you are not
making a demand of them, but giving them empowerment to also work toward
harmony in the family.
I have had great success using this in person, especially if the other person
knows this technique and is willing to use it. In notes, it has not been
as effective for me. :-)
One additional thing, Marv. You say that his problems are because she was
a single mother. I do not agree with this. There are many single mothers
(and lesbian mothers) who work to have positive male role models in their
children's lives. I don't know whether your wife did this or not.
Additionally, as Linda said, there are many boys who still will not be as
interested in stereotypical "male" things whether they have had lots of
exposure to men or not.
In the conversation with your family, I would suggest that you not bring up
the *reasons* you think he acts the way he does, as that could sound more
like "blaming". Instead, as I said above, focus on the current actions,
how they affect you, and how things can be changed to the happiness of all
people in the family.
Good luck.
Carol
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