| It's probably not the answer, but you may want to double check to make
sure there's not a medical reason.
Also, a friend of mine has a 16 year old daughter who's had the house
on end. Finally, she insisted that her daughter go to therapy because
no one could understand why she insisted on being so cruel/disruptive.
So far it's helped a lot, and let them BOTH be able to air a lot of
hidden frustrations.
Sounded kind of drastic to me at first, but they were at wits' end, and
if you could see the improvements, you'd go too!
Good Luck!
|
|
It seems to me that your son is going through an awful lot. His
natural father didn't see him during the holidays... (abandonment). He
has a new sibling which brings up the sibling rivilary just as sure as
the sun is going to rise. Also, this new child represents a bond
between you and your husband which isn't there with him. No matter how
well your husband and you treat him, it isn't the same. He's got a
right to be angry. He's only 11 or so and on top of all the other
stuff he's got hormones about to start raging. What a great age!
Bonnie has a good idea, spend more time with him trying to get it out
of him what's wrong. He may not be able to verbalize it though. Let
him know it's okay for him to be angry with the situation he's in.
However, it's how he expresses his anger that's bothering you. You
need to help him find another outlet.
Sometimes, though, it's enough to just acknowledge that they're angry
and they have a right to be angry.
jean
|
| Something that helped my 5 year old when he was angry was that I told
him to bang his fist into a pillow and get out the anger. He has a
wrestling figure pillow my sister gave him last year. He decided to
get that and he took that pillow and wammed it against the floor and
beat on it and within 1 minute he was laughing. It was amazing. He
got out the anger and we had talked about it before hand though and
identified the feeling first.
Remember, don't ask anyone to apologize for being angry because it is
okay to be feel angry (it's only a feeling), its what we do with the
anger that we may have to apologize for!
|
| I have an angry 11 year old too. Her mom and I split up a year ago,
which made it easy to understand why her anger began, but it didn't
help resolve it. She's still angry, but not as much.
I think she's angry at us for destroying her family, and insecure in
our continued love for her. She responds well to attention, the more
the better. She doesn't really know why she's angry, and she doesn't
know how to deal with it. As the residential parent, I get a lot of
the anger, and I've found that she is getting better at dealing with
the anger when I can spend time with her (I have three kids, and a full
time job, so that isn't easy). We talk about her anger, and what she
can do about it. I like the pillow idea - I had a counselor
(therapist) suggest just such a thing for her. Once she calms down,
she can also direct some of the energy into creative work, like drawing
and music, both of which she loves.
I find it isn't always as important to try to get her to express WHY
she's angry - often she can't tell me. Most times, the best thing to
do is spend time with her, talk to her, or just hold her and watch some
TV together. Give her lots of affection, but only after she's calmed
down - I don't want to reward her antisocial behaviour. If she's
really out of control, I can usually send her to her room until she's
calm, and then spend time with her later. That helps. Lately she has
begun to recognise the behaviour after the fact, and she usually comes
right out and apologizes. I consider that to be a good sign.
I also find that it's REALLY hard not to get angry at HER for being
such a mouthy, obnoxious, brat. It's important for me to suppress that
- it isn't her fault, and she really isn't that person. Getting angry
at her and losing MY cool just makes matters MUCH worse.
I hope this helps.
tim
P.S. Yes, I'm a residential FATHER - a real oddball, huh?
|
| Our ll year old (male) has begun testing us lately with behaviors he
picks up from his aftercare program. The behavior is one of two
patterns. He will argue with us over anything we ask him to do. I
know that this is typical 11 year old behavior and we will have to live
with it for the time being. The second pattern is that he tries to suck
us in to get us angry and when we become angry he refuses to listen to us
and stalks out of the room without our permission. He seems to enjoy this
attention-getter very much. We'd like to break this pattern NOW.
To further complicate the situation, he came to live with us about a
year ago. The child is currently in therapy and is quite a handful
(has not developed a sense of authority in society to name one issue,
controling, low self-esteem and stubborn). He was left to run wild and
when he became a handful, he was handed over to us. The child is also an
attention junky and will go out of his way to receive any kind of
attention; both positive and negative.
After the confrontation settles down, we dole out the appropriate
punishment (take away privledges, etc.). I have noticed that this
behavior is a recent one and is directly related to the child he is
playing with his after school program. I have spoken with the aftercare
person in charge and it is clear that she cannot handle the older children.
I have plans to meet with her manager next week to discuss this and other
problems I have with the program.
Sorry to go on and on like this, but we need to nip this behavior in
the bud. I'd appreciate any suggestions from those of you with 11 year
olds to deal with this.
|