Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    I'm so glad you entered this note!  I was just wondering the same thing
    myself!  Spencer is 3.25 and has absolutly NO interest in dressing or
    undressing at all!  I even try, "Lets see if you can do it yourself",
    or I might leave his clothes (or pjs) in his room and say "can you help
    me and try to get undressed your self"  Its always "NO" or "I can't".
    Spencer won't even go to the bathroom on his own.  Ihave to go in with
    him and pull his pants down.  Now, I know he can do this himself, but
    he refuses.  
    I've wondered why this is, I know other kids at this age can do this,
    and I know he can if he wanted to, because one night I went upstairs to
    check on him and he was totally undressed in bed!  I asked him why, and
    he said "cuz I wanted to!"
    
    I will love to hear other replies also.  I am not really pushing the
    issue with him, but I agree with .0 that it would give me some extra
    time!
    
    elizabeth
     

    Let's see if I can be coherant at 4:45 P.M.!!
    
    I can't remember at what age he started dressing, or wanting to dress
    himself, but one thing I impressed upon him that made getting dressed
    extrememly easy, was "remember the tags go in the back"!  It has helped
    him tremendously.  We also deducted that on most shoes, there is
    usually a tag, design or logo, we call this "a picture" on the
    _outside_ of the shoe, slipper etc. and this helps him figure out how
    to put his shoes on right.
    
    I think his desire to dress himself coincided with a big push for
    independance.
    
    I need my ZZZZZZ's!!
    Lyn

    I have had the same problem with Stephen age 3.75.  I read in a book
    about 2 months ago that your child should be dressing him/herself by
    age 3, so I decided to push it.  The book stated getting dressed is an
    accomplishment a child can be proud of and it will make them feel good
    about themselves to dress themselves.
    
    I sat down one morning and told him we were going to learn something
    new.  I was going to teach him how to put on all his clothes by
    himself.  I went through each item and how you put it on, and then he
    did it and was SOOO proud!  Well, although it sounds great, the next
    two weeks were miserable.  He totally rebelled and did not want to put
    his own clothes on at ALL.
    
    He does not have the best manual dexterity and has very little
    patience.  If his foot gets stuck in his pants he whines...etc.  Well,
    after 2 months he does get dressed by himself and is very proud of it. 
    He likes to be the first one dressed and he likes to do it in the other
    room so he can come out and surprise you.  I do still help him with
    some of the tough clothes.  I'm not sure I took the right parenting
    path in getting dressed but we are over that one now.
    
    Good Luck!
    
    Karin

A couple of things that may be obvious, but

If your child is like .3's (likes to be the first one dressed), AND if things 
like color coordination are important to you, it's probably a good idea to 
pick out clothes the night before.

Avoid buttons and zippers.  Sweat suits are great this time of year; in the 
summer, it's gym type shorts and t-shirts.

Clay

    > if things like color coordination are important to you, 
    > it's probably a good idea to pick out clothes the night before.
    
    On the other hand, if you've been resisting some of his gauche
    selections, now may be the time to use them as the carrot on the
    stick--in other words, assuming that the gawdawful mix HE wants to wear
    is climate-appropriate, let him wear his selection *IF* he puts it on
    himself.  I would make sure that included the entire ensemble
    (underwear, sox, shoes).
    
    Leslie
    

    Both my kids were able to dress themselves and pick out reasonable
    clothes by around 4 1/2.  I still sit with my younger one in the
    morning because it takes her a while to wake up and time is short.
    
    Kindergarten is the time when she will get dressed by herself.  I find
    that the natural boundary is a great time to get them to take on some
    new responsibilities as a "big kid".

If you are interested in a few tricks and have the time/patience (sometimes
it just isn't worth it and you might as well do it yourself), here are two
that worked with my kids at age 3:

Clothes train:  lay the clothes out in a line, in the order that he'd put
		them on.  make a big fuss and lots of sound effects as
		the train move down the track putting on clothes (with your
		help for now where needed)

Big surprise:	when he can do it by himself, but isn't all that motivated,
		lay out the clothes, cover your eyes, and make a big fuss
		about how he isn't dressed.  let him surprise you, one item
		at a time.

Basic bribery:	make a big fuss and give out a sticker for each day that
		he dresses himself.  a full card of stickers wins [your
		favorite bribe here]

We've weaned these kids from big fuss to little fuss to no fuss ("ok, time
to get dressed" at age 4) and it's worked pretty well on alot of learned
skills that we were more interested in than they were.

You can use an egg timer.  Either set the time for when the child has to be
dressed or, in the first set a shorter time for underwear, sox, etc., then 
a time for shorts and shirt, etc., i.e. do it in intervals.

We used a timer for my younger boy for everything when he was around four.  It
was fun for him and helped us not to have to stand around checking.  Now the
two boys race to see who can be first out of the house in the morning.

ccb

    Michael (3.75) has known how to dress himself for quite a while..
    although doesn't always have the motivation!  I also lay out the
    clothes so they can be 'slipped' on - he prefers his sweats, too!
    
    One other motivator now is that he must be dressed in the morning
    before he can turn on Sesame street and since we've initiated
    this, we've had no problems!
    
    Nancy

    Hmmm, my daughter is 17.5 months old and wants to put on her shoes, but
    has no clue how they go on.  My 3 year old neice has been somewhat
    dressing herself for about a year, including shoes and socks.  I guess
    she's a bit on the early side.
    
    Mary
    

    Help me out here, am I dealing with something else?
    
    All of a sudden, lately, AJ (will be 5 in January) refuses to dress
    himself.  He plays, dawdles, begs me to help him (I usually give in
    just for the sake of time), whines that he's "freezing mom!" while
    hugging himself and so on.
    
    I know he can do it, he's been putting on his own socks and shoes since
    he was 2, right feet too!  So what are we dealing with here?  How do I
    deal with him only in his underwear (or less!) after waiting a good 10
    minutes, on a very rushed morning.  We have tried the timer, it doesn't
    work!
    
    Lyn

    Let AJ be responsible for his actions.  Have a family meeting and lay
    down some ground rules. Example:  You must be fully dressed
    				      by X:XXam. If you are not
    				      dressed by this time, you
    				      will be taken to school in
    				      whatever you are wearing.

    We did this with our son (he was 3 at the time). He knew the rules,
    we made sure he *understood* the rules and *consequences* and we vowed
    to follow through no matter what. The first time he was not ready in
    time, off we went to school in his underwear.  By the time we pulled
    into the parking lot, he had the message loud and clear.  He dressed
    in the car (I just didn't have the heart to walk him to class in his
    undies) and has not been a problem since (he's now 4 yrs old).

    You need to remind them that *they* are responsible. It is *their*
    choice.  They can dawdle and pay the price, or they can get dressed
    and arrive at school in clothes instead of pjs or undies. 

    Generally, this kind of follow through is only needed once to teach
    the lesson.  We are going through a problem with Michael right now
    with bad language (only at school).  We told him that the teacher 
    will report any usage of bad words to us and we will act on the
    consequence we set down at our family meeting.  He knows that the next
    time we get a bad word report, every one of his toys and movies will be
    put in a bag for one week.  We made sure he understood what a bad or
    inappropriate word was.

    Michael has a stubborn streak and this approach works great for us...

    P.S. we had to take his toys/videos away recently for another
    infraction and found that once everything was put away, he blossomed
    as an artist. He became very creative with paper and drawings. Up to
    that point, he seldom participated in any arts and crafts at school.

    Good luck,
    Jodi-

    Good idea, Jodi -- except that I tried doing that with James and
    found that he was *perfectly content* to stay in his pajamas all
    day! 

    AJ does not tell time yet.  But I'll give the timer another try. 
    Unfortunately what the method of get dressed or you'll go in you PJ's
    means, is that he eats after he gets dressed, so this simply means he
    misses a meal.  And at present he hasn't got enough meat on his bones
    to go off skipping meals, as I stated in another note.  He doesn't seem
    to care if he skips, I DO!  and I do try to avoid eating in the car if
    possible. This kid is a real con artist, here comes the next Joe
    Izusu-used car salesman!
    
    This brings up another point, at what point do I expect him to start
    telling time, for that matter when should he know how to tie his own
    shoelaces?

    RE: telling time...
    
    A child doesn't need to know how to tell time really.  
    
    Show him/her a clock (analog perferrably) and say
    "when the long arm is right here (pointing to the 12 or 3, etc)
     you must be dressed for school."  It may take a few days
    for your child to understand the concept of time,
    but they'll learn.  Using a timer might work but it 
    doesn't really give the kids that spatial concept of
    telling time. And of course, it's more work for you. :^)
    
    Jodi- 
    
     

    One of our au paires did a wonderful thing to help Markus learn to get
    himself moving in the morning.  She made big pictures which we put on
    the door of his cupboard with clock faces (with smiles) showing the
    time he had to do certain things.  Next to each clock was a picture of
    what he was to do at what time (get out of bed, take bath, put on
    various clothes items, eat, brush teeth, etc.)  He had a clock with
    hands to compare to the pictures (and the egg timer to let him know
    when he was late).
    
    The last picture was a clock with a frown showing a time past when he
    should have left for school.
    
    With encouragement he did try somewhat to follow the clocks.
    
    But he's never REALLY been good until this year.  The kids all play
    ping pong before school starts and he's the best player so he always
    wants to get to school first.  
    
    Last year he wanted to be taken once (he normally goes by bike) and he
    let it get too late, just to see if we would give in.  I made sure the
    au paire didn't (she had in the past).  He made it to school on time
    but boy did he have to pedal!  Last time he pulled that trick.
    
    ccb

    We also tried the "if your not dressed we will go as you are"  but it
    was when I was taking the kids to the playground.  Stephen had to stay
    in the car because he wasn't dressed and Allison and I went to play on
    the swings.  We played for a very short time and then we got back in
    the car and left.  Now he knows if he is not dressed when we go out he
    will not be able to play outside. It only took once.

    Both of mine dress themselves, top to bottom.  Sometimes Jason (almost
    4) needs help getting a shirt OFF, but God Forbid and May the World
    Stop if I Try To Help Without Him Asking!!!! (-;
    
    Anyway, I'm just too plain lazy and busy to spend all this time forcing
    them into clothes.  Chris (6) takes care of himself completely, with
    little or no fuss.  Sometimes I need to get Jason's clothes out for
    him, and when I do, I lay them on the floor, in the shape of a person,
    so he can just 'slip' them on.  And once in a great while he gets real
    whiney and I have to dress him, but that's not normal.
    
    In the morning, they eat first (usually) and then dress if they need
    to.  They get a warning if they're not ready, that we're leaving
    'soon'.  If they're still not changed, I'll make sure they're
    UNdressed, and tell them to get dressed again, and another warning that
    it's time to go.  I've actually walked out the door a few times,
    leaving a naked child standing there, who suddenly realized that "Mom's
    not KIDDING!", screaming for me to wait that they're getting dressed
    NOW.  You don't need to do this often AT ALL for them to get the hint.
    
    We have enough problems - clothes is NOT going to be one of them!!  And
    yes, we've gone out in shorts and sweatshirts, or tank tops and thick
    pants and a variety of other combinations, but for the most part they
    look 'normal' (that phrase "You're ugly and your mother dresses you
    funny" keeps running through my mind... (-;).  We don't ask, we TELL. 
    I dress myself - they're capable, they can do it, expect it of them.
    ...now if I could only get them to eat their dinner (-;