Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Have you asked your son why he's bringing his socks to bed?

    He did change schools recently though, right?  Anyway, it seems
    harmless enough to me.  I'd probably take an amused stance while
    reinforcing that you do NOT intend this to expand to other garment
    categories in the future!  Then I'd expect the novelty to wear off in a
    few.... weeks?
    
    Leslie

    It's BEEN a few weeks already, and we have asked but can't get a real
    answer why, or what he's doing it for.  He just say "cause he wants to"
    
    Now you do realize this kid has got so many toys in his bed, it's tough
    at times to find the kid for them!  Not to mention the kitten, our
    just barely one year old half siamese cat who takes up residence at night 
    on the bookcase headboard, among the stuffed animals, like the kid in the
    Dimetap commerical who hides the same way among the stuffed animals
    
    Lyn (who's convinced she's loosing it!)
    

    Why do you have to do anything about it?  Is it that big a problem?
    
    Also, does putting socks in his bed have anything to do with him 
    objecting to going to bed in the first place?

    Like I said I haven't a clue WHY he's doing it, it may have something
    to do with a form of protest.
    
    You just have to understand my point of frustration.  I spend many
    nights and a good chunk of the weekend doing laundry, and after
    spending much time sorting, mating and folding sox I get real
    frustrated finding most of the sox unfolded and scattered in and among
    the bed clothes.  At least one of the sox each night ends up missing!
    
    (and I'll bet you all thought the Dryer ate the sox!  :-) !!  )

    Our solution to this was to buy only white socks, so they all match.
    That way you never have to sort or mate or fold; just dump them loose
    into the drawer!
    			-John Bishop

    Can't be any stranger than my 4 yr old who likes to sleep with books
    under his pillow (if only "osmosis" would work here...)
    
    Just ask him to put the socks back in the morning.
    
    -sandy
    

I use a method of folding socks that keeps the two in the pair connected by
folding the socks into the top "tube" of one of them.  Keeps the pairs together
when they got tossled around in a drawer, might keep them together when they
get tossled around in a bed too.  I've been doing this ever since I saw a 
college roomate do it and thought hey, that makes sense.  It doesn't stretch
the sock out either.

Or maybe you get a package of socks that are his to take to bed, and set the 
rest off limits ?  Anyhow, it seems to me to be more somehthing to chuckle 
over than to get worried - except maybe for the annoyance factor of loosing 
socks.

Leslie

    I wouldn't worry about it at all.  I am sure there is a reason for it,
    one that only he knows.  This shows that he is thinking for himself, I
    wouldn't worry about it at all.  If someone from another planet came
    down and observed what we adults do as part of our routines, I'm sure
    they would find them fairly peculiar.
    
    RE: Toilet training-If the problem is only at night, it may be a
    biological thing.  I read somewhere that they have found that
    bed-wetters do not produce a chemical (I believe in the brain) which
    shuts down our systems when we sleep.  This is just in case you have
    not heard of it.
    
    Mike

    Lately, 3.75-year-old James has been asking me to sleep with him.
    Not every night, but often enough that I'm a little concerned.
    What he usually wants is for me to lay down next to him and cuddle
    him till he falls asleep.  The nights that I do it -- not every
    night -- I only stay for 5 minutes, max.  Then I tell him that
    I've got to get up, that I have my own bed that I like to sleep
    in, and that if he needs me for anything, all he has to do is
    call me.  We put a night light in his room and that helped a bit.
    The nights that Mike isn't home (more frequently than before, now
    that he\s in business for himself), I may keep James up another
    20-30 minutes so we can play a game together and have some time
    to ourselves after the baby goes to bed.  Anything else I can do?
    This isn't a problem yet, but I don't want to turn it into one
    by my reactions, either.

    We've been hassling this one off and on since Steven was about the
    same age as James.  It has more to do with loneliness and fear of
    the night (monsters, fire, ghosts, noises, thunder, insects, etc.
    etc. etc. ) than it does with anything Oedipal. 
    
    Often letting him have a comfort object that belonged to one of us
    would help get him calmed down and to sleep.  Fortunately I have
    my own collection of stuffed animals that I could loan to him.  In
    your case, something that belongs to or was given to him by his
    father might work better. 
    
    Could his father call at bedtime, or could James call him to say
    goodnight?
    
    Really bad nights, such as when there was a thunderstorm
    approaching at bedtime, he'd go to sleep on the floor of our
    bedroom -- and he would be perfectly happy to go to sleep in our
    room alone in the dark when he wouldn't even let us leave him in
    his own room with the nightlight on.  And if the storm came
    through later, it didn't usually bother him even if it was so bad
    it woke him up.  It was something about the transition from light
    to dark, and the change of perception, that frightened him. 
    
    We didn't really get a satisfactory solution until last year, when
    Steven decided he wanted to share a bunk bed and a bedroom with
    his little brother.  I was dubious, figuring they'd be keeping
    each other awake all the time, but it's worked out very well. Now
    bedtime is a snap -- the few nights when he isn't ready to hop up
    cheerfully into his secluded private little loft, a quick, "Hush,
    you'll wake up David!" calms him right down.  
    
    --bonnie

re: .10

>    The nights that I do it -- not every
>    night -- I only stay for 5 minutes, max.  Then I tell him that
>    I've got to get up, that I have my own bed that I like to sleep
>    in, and that if he needs me for anything, all he has to do is
>    call me.

Does that work?  Does he fall asleep in that five minute span?

If so, then we've gone through phases like that, and ended up handling it in a 
very similar manner.  In fact we had to work to get to the point that you are 
now, with our daughter.  It started out as one of us lying down with her until 
she fell asleep.  Then we got to cuddling for a specific length of time (and 
typically our presence was sufficient to calm her enought that she went to 
sleep).  Then it became sitting in a chair next to the bed holding her hand (a 
big improvement, since she has a water bed, and it's hard to get out of bed 
without waking her up).  She doesn't have any unusual sleep problems now -- 
unless she is sick.

Based on our experience, if he either falls asleep in the five minutes, or 
doesn't object when you leave, then you don't have a long term problem.  If 
it's more comfortable for you, you might try negotiating just being in the 
room, or holding his hand rather than lying down with him.  I think you're 
handling the situation well -- it's far preferable to letting him start out in 
your bed.  I think your explanation of why you want to leave, and the night 
light are both good ideas.  

Of course I don't know how often "often enough that I'm a little concerned" 
is.  

Clay

    We have, of late, tried rubbing his back for 5 minutes, then he gets to
    listen to either the little portable radio or a cassette tape (both of
    which were Christmas gifts) until he goes to sleep.  We have
    established a rule that if he's not asleep in 10 to 15 minutes whatever
    is playing goes off.  Generally he is asleep within the allowed time,
    and there's no problem.
    
    Would this be an option to laying with him for 5 minutes, or until he's
    asleep?  I don't think kiddos understand the concept that we as adults
    have things to do, nor do they seem to fully comprehend how long 5, 10
    or any time frame is.  We really have found the music to be a great
    help.
    
    Lyn

    re: last few
    
    I'm very interested in the views on this subject, since Nick (27 mos)
    has been wanting one of us to sleep with him virtually every night for
    the past 2 months. We've had mixed success in trying to dissuade him.
    I agree with an earlier reply that felt this was more driven by
    'aloneness' than by anything Oedipal, since in our case, Nick doesn't
    seem to care who sleeps with him. In fact, if one of us refuses, he'll
    simply ask the other, his complaint being: "But I'm all by myself!" (in 
    that pitiful voice that only a child or an Acadamy-award-winning actor can
    muster...)
    
    His (our) routine is to read two or three short books (Goodnight Moon,
    etc) either in his bed or on the couch, and then it's time to sleep.
    He'll then ask whichever one of us read to him to stay in his bed.
    Sometimes we will, and less often we won't. I'm much better than Kathy
    at getting away after  a few minutes, by explaining that I'm going into
    the kitchen (or bathroom, or living room, etc), and that I'll be back
    to see him before I go to bed. As long as he can hear me nearby, he
    seems OK with this. He'll often ask me to not go downstairs (to the
    basement family room), and I typically agree, which also seems to work.
    Sometimes, though, Kathy or I are so tired that we end up falling
    asleep in his bed, and wind up staying there longer that we had
    intended...(can you say 'Mixed messages'? Sure ye' can...) 
    
    Usually he'll wake up in the middle of the night (3 or 4 am) and
    attempt to crawl into bed with us. One of us will then bring him back
    to bed, at which point he'll again ask that we stay with him. And
    again, I'm usually better than Kathy at working thru the situation with 
    him, but our success is usually inversely proportional to how tired we
    are. Often it's easier to give in in order to get a good stretch of
    sleep than to repeat this process a few times between 3 and 6 am.
    
    Again, time for me to sit back and read the replies.
    
    Freddie