Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Has this young man suffered any reprimands or consequences from
    these actions.  It's really not your responsibility to discipline
    this boy, but his parents.  And as such, these problems should be
    addressed to them.  If that doesn't prove to solve some issues,
    then perhaps some legal action or "physical recourse" on your or
    the victim's part needs to come into play.  Then perhaps, his parents
    or this boy will at least curtail some of these annoyances or crimes.
    
    
    Perhaps this young guy needs some attention, even negative if none
    at all.  And apparently, his parents aren't providing enough of
    it.

   Good point.  Maybe a good dose of accountability would help him see
   how things really are.  I recall as a boy that one day we were
   throwing rocks and crab-apples at passing cars.  Not sure why - not
   trying to be destructive, just doing it, really.  Not thinking
   about consequences, that's for sure.  Well, when we finally hit a
   car, and it stopped and backed down up to see what was going on,
   that scared a decent bit of "common sense" back into us.
   
   - Tom

The idea of responsibility for actions certainly sounds like it plays
a big role, but I also wonder how much of this is due to parental
neglect (not physical neglect ... but rather mental neglect ...).
That is that the parents really don't seem to care what he does as long
as he stays out of their hair.  They've obviously doen enough for him
to understand right and wrong, but not enough for him to understand
respect for others and the property and rights of others.  To be honest,
if I had the patience and time, this is the kind of boy who sounds like
he could do with some "big brothers" and thus would actually try, assuming
he doesn't drive you off the deep end first, to befriend him.  He may well
be looking for an adult to talk to and trust.

Stuart

We have a similar situation in our neighborhood but in this case the parents
also behave in the same irresponsible manner.  I am terrified that one of
these days they are going to drive over a child on our private road, they
drive so recklessly.

Their boy is 3 years older than my oldest (Dirk is 13).  He has done things like
stick thumbtacks in Dirk's bike tires when Dirk wouldn't let him use it, etc.
He and his father set off enormous firecracker's on a neighbor's property (a
50 year old widow) because he felt it improper for her to have a liason with
someone.

When my children were small, I handled the association with the boy (we have NO
contact with the parents, they're crazy) this way: "you behave yourself around
our house and our children or you will not be allowed to play with Dirk."  Dirk
was the only other boy in the neighborhood.  Then, when the boy misbehaved, he
was sent away and we explained to Dirk why.

As the children grew older, they could see that the boy's behavior was improper
and soon lost any interest in being with him.  We had from time to time 
incidents like with the bike but have tended to ignore them.  I don't feel it
is my place to even try to change their behavior.  That family has big problems
and eventually it will catch up with them.  But, with a consistant message to
YOUR kids, they'll eventually see the good and the bad themselves.

In another case, there is a little boy in the neighborhood that Markus, my
younger son likes to play with.  The two of them wreck HAVOC whenever they get 
together unsupervised.  We get on very well with this boys parents.  When 
they've done something *really* bad, by mutual agreement they are not allowed
to play together for a time.  They have both been told that they can only
play together under supervison.

But you can only make this concerted effort when you and the other family have
a good understanding and some sort of common values.  This wouldn't work in the
first case I mentioned.

I'd stay distant from the family in your case and teach my children so that they
make their own decision to do the same when they are old enough to do so.

Cheryl

    He may have one of the forms of neuro-transmitter imbalance sometimes
    characterized by the terms 'hyperactivity' or 'attention-deficit',
    which are rather inexact.  If so he needs treatment under the
    supervision of an MD psychiatrist.  This also means he is not fully
    responsible for his behaviour, in that he cannot control his neural
    functioning.  Untreated, he's heading for serious difficulty.
    
    As far as bringing this situation, whatever the cause, home forcefully
    to the parents so they HAVE to handle it, consider this:  In opening
    mailboxes and removing the contents, he is committing a felony.  Your
    daughter, observing this and not reporting it, is an accessory after
    the fact.  Both of them are minors, but you also know it is happening,
    and you are an adult.  I imagine a visit from the police will give
    him more attention than he is looking for.  Or you can ignore it until
    he gets into serious trouble.  If life has not forced limits on him,
    then he will push until it does...mike

re .5:

>    He may have one of the forms of neuro-transmitter imbalance sometimes
>    characterized by the terms 'hyperactivity' or 'attention-deficit',
>    which are rather inexact.  If so he needs treatment under the
>    supervision of an MD psychiatrist.

If this seems likely, I suggest a neuropsychologist rather than a
psychiatrist.  Take a look at ASABET::LEARNING_DISABILITIES.