| This one is very difficult, because, like Bonnie says, sometimes there's
not much you can do. And it is so hard to see your child in so much pain.
We did encounter a similar situation, which is slightly different from yours.
How well do you know the parents? In our case my wife called the other
boy's mother, and asked her if anything happened. It turned out that it was
more or less a misunderstanding, the other boy came over to play, and things
are running basically smoothly now.
When my wife called, she was very careful to say that we weren't trying
to resurrect a friendship that wasn't there any more, that we didn't want to
force our son on anyone, etc., but just wanted to know what happened.
We were prepared to say to him what Bonnie suggested in .1. We also
were prepared to explain to our son that sometimes people just grow apart.
We actually did have this conversation, but as an abstract discussion, since
it turned out not relevant to the particular situation. We mentioned to him
the names of several other boys who he used to play with quite frequently,
but didn't any more, not because of any particular disagreement -- they just
discovered they had different interests, and kind of drifted apart.
Also I agree with you in pointing out to him that the words had come
from the boys sister, not him. And even if Donald is correct in saying that
John has used the term "hate" before, you can remind him that some kids use
that term differently than perhaps Donald does -- that it might mean "I don't
like you right now." Or "I'm mad at you." Additionally, sometimes that term
is uttered in the heat of the moment; I've actually had my kids use that term
to me (the few times it's happened, we've had a discussion about what kind
of language is appropriate to use when you are angry).
You can also explain that John may be having some problems that have
nothing to do with Donald. (In fact the facts as you presented them lend
some credence to this theory, since John doesn't seem to be playing with ANY
of the neighborhood kids, and isn't just avoiding Donald). Of course, try
to do it in a way that is non-judgmental to John.
One thing I will definitely say NOT to do is to badmouth John -- for
example saying "Well, I always thought John is a jerk", or "I wouldn't want
to be friends with someone who lies to me." Actually, it's better to
validate his feelings by saying "I like John too, so I can understand how
painful this is for you."
Good luck, this one is difficult.
Clay
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| You can't make your kid like somebody else, and you can't make
somebody else like your kid.
We all got rejected by friends at times when we were kids. I'm
sure each of us can remember the hurt and confusion of losing
a good friend because the friendship dissolved for whatever
reason.
Well, we all survived it, and our kids will too. We can't
shelter them from the world's hurts. They have to learn to
deal with it, although we can be there for comfort for them.
I think our reaction is to try to shelter them, because we
all tend to relive our own childhood through our kids while
doing that reliving with an adult's perspective/understanding/
knowledge. It's OK to relive our childhood through our kids,
but it's not OK to try to make them relive (and correct) our
childhood. They have to take their lumps, make their mistakes,
learn the lessons, experience all the facets of life. They
have to see how it feels to be hurt by someone to fully understand
how the other person will feel when they someday hurt someone else.
So, .0, how did it work out with your kid? I'll bet that by
now they are playing together again.
Joe Oppelt
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