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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:Parenting
Notice:READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:CSC32::DUBOIS
Created:Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1364
Total number of notes:23848

1052.0. "Suddenly no longer friends?" by WHEEL::FULLER () Thu Jul 25 1991 15:12

    What do you do when your son comes home from a neighbors and says that
    his friend hates him and doesn't want to play with him?
    
    Last night, I allowed my almost 7 year old to go across the street to
    see if his friend John could play.  John is about 8 years old.  When
    we moved into the neighborhood last summer, the two boys were never
    apart.  In fact, John spent all of his time at our house.  Even to the
    point where his parents would take off and leave him at our house
    without even asking us if we mind!  We were contantly telling John he
    had to leave when we were ready for dinner and he would say that he
    couldn't go home because his parents weren't home!  The boys didn't see
    each other much during the winter, but now that it's summertime and all
    the kids are outside playing, we NEVER see John.  
    
    So far every time Donald has gone over to see if he can play, he hasn't
    been home.  But last night, we KNEW he was home.  When Donald knocked
    on the door, John's 6 year old sister answered the door and told him to
    "Go away, we hate you and we never want to play with you".  John and
    his parents were upstairs at the time.  
    
    I felt so bad for my son.  He was heartbroken.  I told him that was
    just Amanda's feelings and maybe John doesn't feel that way.  He said
    that John has said that in the past also.  
    
    I'm not sure what to do.  Do I tell him not to bother with them? 
    Should I try to talk to the parents to find out if there is a problem
    between the kids that THEY know of?
    
    Any ideas?
    
    Thanks for listening..
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
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1052.1not much you can doTLE::RANDALLThu Jul 25 1991 15:374
    You can't do much but tell him you're sorry and that you hope they
    can work out their differences...
    
    --bonnie 
1052.2Painful situationPOWDML::SATOWThu Jul 25 1991 21:2539
     This one is very difficult, because, like Bonnie says, sometimes there's
not much you can do.  And it is so hard to see your child in so much pain. 
We did encounter a similar situation, which is slightly different from yours.
     How well do you know the parents?  In our case my wife called the other
boy's mother, and asked her if anything happened.  It turned out that it was
more or less a misunderstanding, the other boy came over to play, and things
are running basically smoothly now.  
     When my wife called, she was very careful to say that we weren't trying
to resurrect a friendship that wasn't there any more, that we didn't want to
force our son on anyone, etc., but just wanted to know what happened.  
     We were prepared to say to him what Bonnie suggested in .1.  We also
were prepared to explain to our son that sometimes people just grow apart. 
We actually did have this conversation, but as an abstract discussion, since
it turned out not relevant to the particular situation.  We mentioned to him
the names of several other boys who he used to play with quite frequently,
but didn't any more, not because of any particular disagreement -- they just
discovered they had different interests, and kind of drifted apart.
     Also I agree with you in pointing out to him that the words had come
from the boys sister, not him.  And even if Donald is correct in saying that
John has used the term "hate" before, you can remind him that some kids use
that term differently than perhaps Donald does -- that it might mean "I don't
like you right now." Or "I'm mad at you."  Additionally, sometimes that term
is uttered in the heat of the moment; I've actually had my kids use that term
to me (the few times it's happened, we've had a discussion about what kind
of language is appropriate to use when you are angry).
     You can also explain that John may be having some problems that have
nothing to do with Donald.  (In fact the facts as you presented them lend
some credence to this theory, since John doesn't seem to be playing with ANY
of the neighborhood kids, and isn't just avoiding Donald).  Of course, try
to do it in a way that is non-judgmental to John.
     One thing I will definitely say NOT to do is to badmouth John -- for
example saying "Well, I always thought John is a jerk", or "I wouldn't want
to be friends with someone who lies to me."  Actually, it's better to
validate his feelings by saying "I like John too, so I can understand how
painful this is for you."
     Good luck, this one is difficult.

Clay
     
1052.3CSC32::J_OPPELTRoyal Pane and Glass Co.Thu Aug 01 1991 21:4526
    	You can't make your kid like somebody else, and you can't make
    	somebody else like your kid.

    	We all got rejected by friends at times when we were kids.  I'm
    	sure each of us can remember the hurt and confusion of losing
    	a good friend because the friendship dissolved for whatever
    	reason.

    	Well, we all survived it, and our kids will too.  We can't 
    	shelter them from the world's hurts.  They have to learn to
    	deal with it, although we can be there for comfort for them.

    	I think our reaction is to try to shelter them, because we
    	all tend to relive our own childhood through our kids while
    	doing that reliving with an adult's perspective/understanding/
    	knowledge.  It's OK to relive our childhood through our kids,
    	but it's not OK to try to make them relive (and correct) our
    	childhood.  They have to take their lumps, make their mistakes,
    	learn the lessons, experience all the facets of life.  They
    	have to see how it feels to be hurt by someone to fully understand
    	how the other person will feel when they someday hurt someone else.

    	So, .0, how did it work out with your kid?  I'll bet that by
    	now they are playing together again.

    	Joe Oppelt