Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    	It seems to be that your sister is close to the edge i.e.
    stressed out and caught in the rat race. Suggest to your sister 
    to take some time off. When she is more relaxed, talk to her about
    her son's problems and her problems. Help her to identify the
    causes and solutions. Tell her that you love her and care about
    her and would like her and her son to be healthy and happy. 
    Be honest but don't get angry. I take it that she's a single 
    parent and is under a lot of stress. McDonald's, TV's, Benadryl, 
    all that are quick solutions for her. It's less stressful to
    give in and to fight the battle. There are bigger problems
    underneath the bad habits and all, I think.
    
    
    
    Eva

    You hit the nail on the head.  She is a single parent and feels guilty. 
    She provides Keith with gifts and goes to movies all the time.
    
    I spoke to her briefly today to ask if she could come over early this
    evening to talk.  This lead to a brief discussion about what happened
    last night.  Basically she assured me that the Benedryl suggestion was
    not a common occurance and that she had only mixed the 2 medicines once
    in the past.  To be honest, my nephew does exagerate quite a bit as
    well.  I may have over reacted and I should have given her the benefit
    of the doubt.  But I am glad that I asked her about it and I will also
    try to be more tolerant of her parenting style.  Even though I disagree
    with alot of what she does. 
    
    Keep the replies coming, it is good to get other people's opinions!

    There are a lot of issues in your note; I'm only going to address
    a couple of them.
    
    I admit to having given Steven a decongestant a time or two when
    he didn't really need it under similar circumstances.  Once in a
    while, not that often but more than isolated occurrences, he'd 
    get *very* upset, sometimes hysterical, over fear of fire, and lie
    awake sobbing for hours.  I gave him about half the usual dose of
    Benylin, which wasn't enough to make him noticeably drowsy but did
    calm him down enough that he could go to sleep.
    
    Movies:  Kat used to watch similar stuff at a similar age. 
    
    It hasn't been my experience that a scary movie will cause
    nightmares.  Sometimes it will give new images for a nightmare
    that the child would have had anyway -- Steven's fire nightmares
    took on a different twist after he watched that insurance company
    ad where the fire runs in reverse, but the movies that have caused
    the most problems for Kat and Steven were not ones I would have
    suspected.  Kat had nightmares for weeks about E.T.  Steven used
    to dream he was being dragged into a cave by Smurfs.
    
    So I'd be inclined to suspect that with his family situation and
    all, Keith would probably be having nightmares anyway, just
    different ones.  Since he doesn't have nightmares at home, I would
    suspect they're associated with some kind of separation anxiety --
    worry that his mother is going to abandon him the way his father
    left, for instance, or "oedipal" fears [which I didn't beleive in
    until I had a son of my own, but that's neither here nor there :)]
    of being punished for his strong feelings about his mother, or
    something like that. 
    
    It's also possible that, if he's learning to manipulate people, he
    might be picking the movies because he knows that's what bothers
    you.  I've seen kids do this, don't know whether it might apply
    to Keith or not.  
    
    --bonnie

    I did notice that Keith's nightmares were more frequent after he spoke
    to his father on the phone.  And to be honest, not all his nightmares
    were about movies.
    
    Your note (.3) was helpful in realizing that my sister is not alone and
    that she is doing the best she can.  
    
    We have been getting along better and I am trying not to be so
    judgemental.  

    Hang in there, both of you.  Parenting is difficult at best with
    two involved parents giving it their full attention.  When someone
    has to take on the main burden alone, it's incredibly difficult
    for all concerned. . . and as a former single parent, I can
    guarantee she appreciates your support.  She hears plenty of
    criticism everywhere else . . . 
    
    --bonnie

    RE: basenote
    
    I notice that your sister is a nurse.  A couple of years ago there was
    a lot of publicity about medical personnel with access to drugs,
    abusing them, and about the stress they experience as part of their
    jobs.  
    
    It doesn't sound like there is serious drug abuse, and you didn't say
    your sister uses drugs, but perhaps you may want to (very delicately)
    inquire about this, and about job-related stress.
    
    I believe there are some programs (including therapy and support
    groups) for stressed-out doctors and nurses.  Would she be interested?  
    
    Good luck, it sounds like you are doing a yeoman job in helping your
    sister and nephew through a difficult time.
    
    Laura

    OK, it's a great temptation to hand the kid some Benydryl, after all
    the original use of the stuff was a sleep aid in geriatric patients. 
    And the drying effect it gave for allergies was an unexpected bennie! 
    First of all I'd ask your sister, the nurse if she's doing this on the
    advise of anyone.  FWIW, Dimetap or almost any cold medicine will give
    the same effect.  I would ask her quite bluntly how frequently she's
    giving these meds to her child.  Second SHE sounds like she needs some
    professional person to talk to, perhaps both as an individual and with
    her son to deal with what appears to be some overwhelming
    responsibilities.  
    
    If she's a nurse, is there an option that she could get a job on the
    day shift, say 7 to 3:30, or maybe start at 8. that way she can sleep 
    at home with her son, and get a good night's sleep in the deal?  I'm 
    sure that if you could just make sure he gets a good breakfast, and on 
    the bus OK would alleviate a whole lot of stress.  I know from my
    experience, pre DEC, working the 11-7 shift in a hospital that you run
    a cronic fatigue, and never seem to get caught up in your sleep.
    
    I would just be concerned that the boy is going to grow up developing a
    drug addiction, because he figures that whenever he has to cope with
    some crisis, all you have to do is take some medicine (or alcohol or
    worse), to numb the emotional pain.  I'd also have some concerns that
    his mother may have a drug problem.  That's quite common in medical
    staff.
    
    I'm not trying to flame or condem, just voice some concerns.
    Lyn

Just a point of information... drugging kids to keep them quiet is not
a new thing 8-)  I was looking at some antique bottles sometime back,
and saw one labeled "Mother Hubbard's Soothing Syrup".  Helps kids at
naptime, it said.  It was mostly alcohol.  It was made in the late 1800's.

    Yes, and it used to be routine to give a colicy or teething baby a
    rag soaked in gin or whiskey to suck on, too.  Back before
    aspirin.
    
    --bonnie