Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Wow.  I came to look for advice in this notes files regarding this very 
    topic.  I have no solutions either.  My daughter Katina is 9 months
    old.
    
    Katina's tactic is a high pierced shriek that lasts for about 5 seconds
    but is *really* getting to us!
    
    We have three strategies for coping (none of which are working for
    us, but may work for you):
    
    1. Ignore the scream, wait until she's quiet and then respond to
       her (Daddy's primary coping mechanism).
    
    2. Firmly say "No screaming Katina" (Mommy's primary coping mechanism).
    
    3. Say "What's the matter Katina?" (Yia Yia's  [grandmother, who cares
       for Katina while Mommy and Daddy are both at work] coping
       mechanism]).
    
    Each of us tries the other's technique to minimize the shrieking but
    we're trying to come up with something consistent, as our current
    tactics sometimes work but most often just get a devilish grin out
    of her and repeat behavior.
    
    I too brought her to the doctor thinking ear infection, but no...
    
    As .0 asks, is this just the age?

    My son (now 14 1/2 months) was the same way.  Guess what???  He still
    is.  We can't leave him alone for a minute.  When I say leave him alone
    I mean in his crib and leave the room.  He never stayed in a playpen,
    so we just put that away.  
    
    I have to say though, it's much easier now that he's walking.  We have
    gates blocking off doorways/stairs and he doesn't mind that.  I really
    believe it's the confinement.
    
    Sorry I'm not offering advice!  I guess we just decided this is his
    personality (very strong willed/stubborn) and go along with it (i.e.,
    if I can pick him up, I will.  If I can't, because I'm in the middle of
    something, he's going to have to cry).
    
    If anyone has better ideas, I'd love to hear them too! 
    
    Joyce B.

    My son just turned 10 months and he is doing the same as the rest of
    you mentioned.  I agree with -1, I think it is the confinment.  He is
    fine until I put him in either his crib or his playpen.  He wants to be
    with us ALL THE TIME, which needless to say is not possible.  I think
    we are going to buy some gates and try that method.  Our apartment is
    so small though, the little guy doesn't have much room in rome.  The
    screaming *really* gets to me at times though.
    
    Like the other replies, any further insight would be wonderful.
    
    Kathy

    
    My daughter, Courtenay, is 16 months and has recently started her
    latest screaming phase.  I say latest because she did this when she was
    being put to bed as an infant.  The person who rocked her to sleep 
    usually lost their shirt to her.  If you didn't take off your shirt 
    and leave it in her crade she woke up.  Don't laugh, it worked!  And it
    was alot easier than this latest episode.
    
    Lately I think she is frustrated that I don't understand everything she
    says, and that she can't have everything her way.  I hope this phase
    will last a very short time.  I try to rationalize with her, not easy 
    with a 16 month old, but she is understanding more. 
    
    What sometimes works is my trying to talk to her in a calm (not easy) 
    voice and try to make eye contact.  Usually when we do, she quiets down 
    for a moment, long enough to listen.  Sometimes in takes numerous tries
    to work.  If all else fails I do as my pediatrician suggested, ignore her.
    Just continue on with what your doing, (of course it goes without
    saying, that you must watch they child in case they hurt themselves, or 
    other items, and it isn't appropriate for all places).  Usually when I 
    do this she comes to me for a hug and quiets down and I try talking again. 
    
    Are there any more experianced parents out there with other suggestions
    that work?
    
    Rose Marie
    Usually I pray alot and wonder when this hellish period will end!
    
    

    My younger son will be 6 months old tomorrow and he just started doing the
    same thing.  
    
    Except, his special twist is to cry so hard he makes himself gag.  He
    can work himself into a gag in about 3 seconds of crying.   Grrrrrr.  The 
    minute you pick him, huge smile!  
    
    We don't use a playpen, we either put him in his walker or lay him on
    the floor with the Sesame Street Jungle gym "thing" to play with. 6
    times out of ten, he loves it, the other 4 times....
     
    We've tried to ignore it, tried sitting down in front of him after
    we've placed him in his walker and speaking in a calm voice, "Sshhh,
    Mommy is here, etc.."  but the little guy wants to be picked up!  
    
    I figure he just has a stubborn disposition/big temper!!!
    
    My older son, at this age (he's now 5) would cry normally if you left the 
    room, but as long as you were in eyesight, he was happy anywhere/any 
    position.
    
     oh well....
    
                                                                        

    Our 10 Month old son, John, will sometimes get in one of these fits
    also.  Like the rest of you, we first felt he had pain till we picked
    him up and then this big grin appears.
    
    Sometimes my husband and I will take turns playing with him on the
    floor which helps.  At other times when I have to do things and my
    husband is not around or busy I have found a way where he thinks he is
    maybe getting away with something
    
    He loves newspapers.  Maybe it is because I used to read them to him 
    when he was very small (had him on my bent knees and the paper between
    us).  He loved the pictures.  Everytime a paper is on the floor he
    rolls over to it and loves to get inky.  I do not like him getting
    inky so I take it away from him.  However, when he is in a fussy stage
    I leave some pages from a magazine or plain paper on the floor.  When I
    go he rolls over to it, and crinkles it and has a great ole time and I
    sometimes think he thinks he is getting away with something and I get
    to finish paying the bills.  He cannot see me in the dining room but I
    can see him in a mirror we have in the living room.
    
    Sometimes I also keep things around that he has not seen before (like
    paper towel centers, paper plates, place mat).  He is very analytical
    and will check it out for at least 15-20 minutes.
    
    Michelle

Newspaper ink is poisonous if he decides to start chewing on it.

Our daughter Alyssa was the same way starting at about 8 months.  She was fine
around us but when we left her alone, I thought her screams would shatter glass.

We did a few things that seem to have for the most part solved the problem.

We rarely sit her in her playpen anymore, she usually plays on the carpeted
floors or in the kitchen.  She loves to explore.  In fact staying in the
playpen for long periods of time might quell some of that curiosity and make
the child more dependent on you for entertainment.

When we sit her down on the floor so she can play by her self we make sure
that we have caught her interest in something other than us.  This could be
a toy, tupperware (that stuff makes great toys), or something else she
hasn't seen in a while.  Once we think she is caught up in whatever we gave
her we can usually go about our business without her screaming.

We rotate the toys that she has on a biweekly basis so she will not be
constantly playing with the same thing, that helped a lot.

Now that she is older we have started to give her things to play with
that we never would have given her when she was younger.

One thing we decided against was giving her something to eat while on the
floor.  For the most part she has all of her meals and snacks in her 
high chair at the kitchen table.  We figure that breaks up the routine of being
on the floor and reinforces the idea that meals are eaten in the kitchen
at the table as a family.

She also seems to pay more attention to things on TV like sesame street.

Good luck, I hope some of this help.

    
    	I have a strange occurance that just began with my 13 month
    	old, that I'd love to hear comments or advice on...
    
    	About two weeks ago, when Matthew goes to sleep he screams.
    	Not just a little scream, but a heart renching scream, for
    	about 15-20 minutes.
    
    	My problem here is that we were away last week, and he was
    	pretty good about it.  When we came back from vacation, he
    	really started in again.  What is worse, is last night when
    	I picked him up from Daycare, she said he didn't nap.  That
    	every time she went to put him up there, he screamed his
    	heart out!  She has a court issue with an inn next door,
    	and doesn't want them to think he's being abused.  She told
    	me this a.m., that she won't let him scream like he does.  Of
    	course, every time she goes to pick him up when he screams,
    	he knows he's getting away with it.
    
    	Problem is, he came home miserable last night, exhausted, and
    	was a total bear until I put him to bed at 7:30 (when he screamed
    	for 20 minutes).  
    
    	Has anyone else ever had this problem?  Will it pass?  Is he
    	just going through a phase?  Any suggestions as to what I
    	should do with daycare?  I've always been very happy with
    	her, and haven't ever run into any difficult situations until
    	now.
                                           

    Get the book "How to Solve Your Childs Sleep Problems" by Dr. Ferber. 
    It's great!  Both my kids have gone through (at different times) and
    will probably go through again the same thing.  But it's really
    important to not just brush it off as a "phase".  This is all explained
    in the book and it's very good.  
    
    I'll be more than happy to let you borrow my book.
    
    Joyce
    

    Might have him checked for an ear infection too ....
    
    Good Luck!

    I can sympathize.  David can scream paint off the walls and
    definitely make the neighbors think he's being abused.
    
    I'd second the suggestion to have your pedi make sure there's no
    ear infection.  Those can really make a child miserable, and
    sometimes they don't hurt as long as the child is standing up or
    sitting up.  The pain only starts when they lay down.
    
    As for the issue of what to do about it at daycare, that is a
    tough one.  For a while Steven was at a place where the caregiver
    really couldn't allow any of the children to make any noise
    (someone else in the household was recovering from an accident)
    and he got pretty spoiled.  But we knew it was temporary.
    
    Has your son always resisted his sleep and naps, but been more
    quiet about it, or is the resistance as well as the screaming new?
    If it's new, perhaps he's going through a new stage of separation
    anxiety.  Sometimes a comfort object that carries your smell -- a
    sweater you've worn works well 'cause it's soft -- will help ease
    them through this time.  
    
    --bonnie

    	Bonnie,
    
    	He's always resisted going to bed....but never this kind of
    	screaming episode.  I know it's not his ears...because Matthew
    	has tubes right now...and gets a fever and they leak when he
    	has an infection.  (he has a low white blood count...picks up
    	things real easy).  
    
    	My husband did go out during lunch to look for the book on 
    	sleeping disorders...but couldn't find it.  
    
    	I'm happy to say though...that I just called Daycare, and
    	Matt did take an hour-and-a-half nap!  Still doesn't help
    	his piercing screaming episodes though.  Maybe he was just
    	so used to sleeping with us in the same room when we were
    	away????
    
    	Thanks for the responses!
    
    	Ellen

    Hi Ellen,
    
    Matt might be having trouble getting readjusted now that you
    are back from vacation.
    
    We had that problem with Steven when we recently got back
    from vacation.  
    
    We picked up Ferber's book at the library several months ago
    ...luckily, Steven's problem was temporary and we never had 
    to try Ferber's methods.
    
    I would highly recommend finding that book (maybe your library
    has it) since I know Matt has had problems getting to sleep
    in the past.
    
    Good luck!
    Linda

    Ellen,
    
    Yeah, I wouldn't be at all surprised if having you in the same
    room for vacation helped him go to sleep.  It sure worked that way
    with Steven when he was younger -- to the point where now he's
    sharing a room with his younger brother so he can have someone
    else in the room with him.  David seems to be sleeping better too.
    
    I guess they don't like feeling like they've been dumped off alone
    while everybody else is having fun without them.
    
    Sometimes leaving the door ajar so the child can hear everybody
    else moving around the house helps make him feel less like he's
    been abandoned by everybody else.  
    
    Do you have a bedtime routine?  Maybe a modified version would
    help for nap time.  All my kids got infinitely better about
    bedtimes and nap times when I started notifying them a couple of
    minutes ahead of time what was happening.  For a one-year-old it
    would be, "Come on, David, time to go wash your face so you can
    lie down for your nap."  (He also insists on brushing his teeth
    when he's at home.)  When they're older, you can expand it to,
    "It's five minutes until we have to go upstairs to wash your
    face..."
    
    --bonnie

Evan always had trouble coming back from vacation, too.  This last vacation
was a switch, which was really nice.  Evan is now 3.

How long has your son had the tubes in his ears?  If there is *any* possibility
that they have come out, then you should have it checked.  As *soon* as Evan
lost one of his tubes, he got another ear infection.  I couldn't believe it.

        Carol

    
    	Matt's had his tubes since March, so it's been four months.  
    
    	Thanks for all the responses.  He has been doing much better
    	the last couple of days.  His daycare person attributes it
    	to vacation....he's even going down at night better.
    
    	Bonnie, in the previous note mentioned setting a routine...and
    	I noticed she mentioned brushing teeth.  Matt won't let me go
    	near his mouth...puts up a real fuss.  I've given him a tooth brush
    	but he really doesn't know what to do with it....it's like pulling
    	teeth :-) to wash them with a cloth.  Anyone else have this
    	experience???
    
    	Lin...you never told me about Steven having a problem after
    vacation.....and he's such a good sleeper!!
    
    	Ellen

    Ellen,  
    
    Steven's bedtime was between 7 - 8pm until vacation.
    Of course he stayed up til about 9:30 during vacation
    and ever since we've been back (about 3 weeks) he's 
    been going to bed later.  The screaming has stopped
    since we started sending him to bed later and gotten
    back into our routine.
    
    About brushing Matt's teeth, we make a habit of having
    Steven in the bathroom with us when we brush our teeth.
    Then we started letting him hold his own tooth brush.
    He mostly just played with it at first.  Then he started
    to imitate us and now he always ASKS to brush his teeth.
    I think he likes sucking on the water in the brush mostly,
    but then I make him let me have a turn, so I take care of
    the actual brushing (which isn't always easy).
    
    He also has a toothbrush at "daycare" because he wanted
    to brush when Tiffany brushes after breakfast!
    
    For now, I suggest just using the cloth for real brushing
    and let him get used to the brush himself.
    
    good luck!  glad to hear he's sleeping better!
    
    Linda

    David mostly chews on the toothbrush, but he enjoys it.  
    
    I hadn't thought of this before, but it's possible Matt's getting
    in his first-year molars.  Some kids have a lot of trouble and
    pain from them.  David was crabby and irritable for a month or
    more, adn I remember Kat having trouble sleeping when hers were
    coming in.  
    
    --bonnie

I just thought of that, too.  In the case of teeth or ears, we found
Panadol/Tylanol to work wonders.

    Carol

    I read every one of the notes in note 135 and came up with nil. I'll
    enter this again because my husband and I are at wits end. My daughter
    who will be 3 next week has been waking up in the middle of the night
    around 1:30 and staying up till 3:30 sometimes 4:00. It starts out with
    screaming yelling, talking about what went on during the day. Saying
    she doesn't want to sleep anymore. She shares a room with our 11month
    old (who is a pretty sound sleeper) but wakes up after an hour or so
    of solid screaming. I have tried no naps,short naps to an hour at the
    most. I have tried no tv at night (extra stimulation to her brain), I
    have tried long walks before bed, I have tried taking her downstairs 
    and making her sit on the couch till the screams subsided. I have tried
    lots of things, hopefully someone out there has gone through something
     
    like this in a similar way and can find it in their hearts to give me
    advice. I'll try anything at this point...  Thanks
    
    

There is a book that deals with sleep problems in
children called "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems"
by Dr. Richard Ferber. (I believe he heads up the
sleep clinic at the Mass General and is available for
consultation if you have the $$$.)  We had a similar
problem with our daughter at about age 2.5 right around
the birth of our second child.  We also were at our
wits end.  The book advises that you return them back
to their bed so that they realize that it's not play
time - it's bedtime.  We did that - as many times as
she got up, we returned her to her room to her bed.  We
finally had to resort to putting a gate up at the
entrance to her room so that she was forced to stay 
there.  She hated that.  Yelled and screamed for what
seemed like forever.  But it worked.  She finally stopped
getting up and managed to sleep through the night.

Good luck.

Valerie

    "Behavior Modification"!!!!  Sticker chart.  It worked for us.  When
    Cara started this (except it was going to bed problems) at 3, we tried
    the Ferber methods.  I think his methods are great, but they definitely
    work better when the child is in a crib.  Anyway, we created a sticker
    chart.  Everytime Cara went to bed without any problems, she would
    receive 3 stickers.  When she reached a certain goal, she received a
    reward.  In our case it was things like, going to playland, getting a
    new book or coloring book.  At first the goal was 2 nites, then we
    progressed to a week, etc.  Also, Cara would put the stickers on the chart,
    and she would pick out the stickers she wanted.
    
    Knock on wood, we have no problems at bedtime.  We have a definite
    routine (which I think is important), reading 2 stories, prayers,
    singing 2 songs, and a drink of water.
    
    
    Good luck!
    	
    

Whenever Evan was having sleep problems, I would try Tylanol/Panadol.  Quite
often, it helped significantly.  I would look for teeth coming in, and if 
it continued a while, I would have his ears checked.  More often than not,
the problem was physical.

This is not to say he ever slept through the night.  I was only concerned
that 1) he was out of pain and 2) *I* slept through the night.  Evan didn't
actually sleep through the night until he was 9 mos old, and not regularly
until he was 2 years and something.  

I would have a doctor check your daughter's ears and teeth and throat, etc.  
Make sure there is no physical problem, and that it is not a nightmare (she
may need a little conforting).  Then explain that it is still night
time, and she would have to be quiet.  You could probably allow her to play
quietly in her bed, which wouldn't disturb anyone else.  Put some favorite toys
close to the bed.  And good luck. 

     Carol