Conference moira::parenting_v3

The one, most important thing to stress to your children is that both you
and their father love them very much, and that they are in no way responsible
for what has happened between their parents.  Try to put the answers to
"why" in as neutral and evenhanded manner as you can, even if inside you
believe differently.  Don't portray your spouse as a "bad" person, and don't
ask the kids to show favoritism.

This is a very difficult time for children - perhaps more so than for the
parents.  Your best hope of getting them to survive is to not turn them,
even inadvertently, into weapons against your to-be-ex.  Even if you believe
you're "the injured party".  Your kids will thank you for it later.

I was 2 when my parents divorced.  My son was 2 when his parents divorced.
I've had to deal with this issue a lot.

Show your kids lots of love.  Don't pretend that nothing's wrong, they
won't believe you.  Explain to them what will happen, and encourage them
to ask questions, even those you may find difficult to answer.  There are
some books which some people say help, though most are one-sided, eg.
"Why doesn't Daddy live here anymore?"

There's a NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS conference - see note 2715 in
TURRIS::EASYNET_CONFERENCES for the current location.  This may have some
additional insights.

One last thing.  This issue won't EVER go away.  You and your kids will have
to live with it forever.  Remember that, and don't make it harder on yourselves
than necessary.

					Steve

See also, in PARENTING_V2,

  1205       COOKIE::MHUA          9-MAY-1989     4  Advice to a child of divorc
ing parents
  2231          RCA::PURMAL       14-MAY-1990    12  Telling kids about the deci
sion to get a divorce

    May I also suggest calling EAP in your facility to set up some time. 
    They can give you pointers on what to say and what to watch for as far
    as changes in your kid's behavior.
    
    -sandy
    

         I am going through the same thing myself right now.  I have two
    boys ages 5 & 2.  The younger one doesn't really understand what is
    happening, but he has been awfully clingy lately.  I am attributing
    this to the fact that he rarely sees his father now and he is afraid of
    losing me.
    
         As for my oldest one, we talk about it a lot.  He knows that we
    are getting a divorce because mommy and daddy fight a lot.  He knows
    that I will be buying a new house when our current house is sold.  I
    try to present it to him as "Now, you will have two houses to live in".
    He thinks this is great and keeps asking me when can we move into my
    new house.
    
         Also, I bought a book called "Dinosaurs Divorece".  This explains
    from a child's point of view what to expect.  You may find this helpful
    for your kids.
    
         In all, it will be tough.  I think it is.  I recently joined the
    support group Parents without Partners in my area.  Maybe you could do
    the same thing.
    
         Good luck.
    

    Mr. Rogers also has books for both parents and children which address
    separation and divorce. Check your library.
    
    best of luck,
    Lynn
    

    I'm glad someone finally brought up this subject, I thought I was the
    only one going through this. (Sigh of relief).  I have a very bright 2
    year old who understands more than I give her credit for sometimes.  My
    husband and I have been separated since last October (when Tiff and I
    moved from Hawaii back to California with my parents), since then she
    has had to go to 2 different schools (the first one was totally
    unsatisfactory), move into our own apartments, her own bed, and her Dad
    was very involved (seeing her atleast once a month) and calling all the
    time, until last month.  We finally decided to get a divorce and he has
    called once to talk to her since then (he doesn't want to "deal" with
    me).  She has started pointing out all the Daddies on t.v., even animal
    daddies, she has been VERY clingy, and she whines ALL the time, not to
    mention asking about her dad every day.  I rented a video from
    Blockbuster Video in the Community Service section called "When Mom and
    Dad Break Up".  It is designed for children age 4-12, I highly
    recommend it for that age group.  I'm going to keep looking for ways to
    explain things to her (what I'd really like to say is your Dad's a jerk
    and he doesn't want to call to talk to you because he doesn't want to
    talk to me because he doesn't want to pay the agreed upon amount for
    child support!) because I know it is a life long issue and I do not
    want her to ever feel it was "her fault".  I would never talk bad about
    her father in front of her but sometimes when I'm talking about him to
    my mom or a friend I realize that she's listening and it's very
    difficult to remember that she does know who I'm talking about. 
    Anyway, since there is no specific notes on this or a Single Parents
    conference (I know there's a Non Custodial Parents conference, but I'm
    the Custodial Parent!) I'm just letting of a little steam that has been
    building up the last week.  Thanks for "listening".  
    Kristy
    

There had been a suggestion a while ago for a "Single parents" conference,
but, as a single parent at the time, I said that I didn't think it was
necessary - that many of the topics were also of interest to all parents.

I don't read the NON_CUSTODIAL_PARENTS conference, so I don't know just
what its scope is.  I would imagine that much of it would also be of interest
to custodial parents, or those like me who share custody.

It's my belief that all parents should at least be exposed to the issues,
as one never knows when one will find themselves in the single parents'
shoes.  The questions one asks are universal, and perhaps understanding
them might help prevent some families from breaking up.

There is no "easy way out", especially when children are involved.  And
involved they are; often more so than their parents.  The children need
help to deal with issues they don't understand, and as always, lots of love.

				Steve

    I remember leaving my marriage,5 yrs ago.  There was no telling to do.  Our
    kids saw the whole detoriation in front of their eyes.  Anyway,
    they were quite young, 2 & 4 more or less.  My little boy took it
    very hard.  So did my girl, but I don't think it was as evident.
    
    They'd ask me quite often about the divorce.  What does it mean.
     Do I love Daddy?  I told them, that we just fought way too much
    in inapproiate manner and it was much better to be apart for now.
     I told them that when you can't fight healthy then all you can
    do is leave the situation.  But that I did love their father, which
    was hard to say, and we loved them.  It was just a trying time.
     Heck, I didn't have all the answers.  That's exactly what I told
    them too.
    
    I hope that a separation is all that'll you'll need.  It sounds
    like the other party is still interested in holding on.  There's
    no reason to act in a hurry.  Even if the separation lasts a year.
     I think I would have acted a little differently 5 years ago.  he
    and I are in reconciliation now.  Don't understand everything about
    why we did what we did, but I really know that I love this guy.
    
    

    Does anyone have any advice on how to explain divorce to a 2 year
    old?  Josh was 2 in June and I am really feeling frustrated and
    sad trying to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy don't live together
    any more.  We filed last Friday and it's to be final 30 days from
    then.  Joshua and I are living with my parents (for around 6 months
    or so to get some bills paid off) and I have tried to explain that
    Mommy and Daddy fought too much and it made all of us so sad so
    now Josh and Mommy live with Nana and Pappa and Josh gets to go
    see his Daddy on Wednesdays and every other weekend.  Whew--what
    a mouthful.  He asks for his house, his room, and his daddy often
    and I just keep on repeating the same story.  Is there anything
    other than time to make this easier?
    
    Thanks, 
    Pam

    It seems to me there are some notes similar to this "somewhere" in
    here.  The other thought would be that Mr. Rogers, Sesamie St, and
    maybe even Dr. Seuss books, movies and programs have dealt with this
    subject in a very gentle way.
    
    What he does need to hear from you is that mommy AND daddy still love
    him very much, and almost as important that what has happened is in NO
    way caused by anything he has done.
    
    Right now he probably needs tons of hugs, love, one on one time, keep
    your mood and voice calm and cool, and even though there may be a ton
    of anger towards you about to be ex, don't express it around him.  Be
    very careful what you say in telephone conversations, it's amazing what
    these kids can hear and misconstrue, you may think he's asleep while
    you're on the phone, but he may still hear some things you say.
    
    It's nice he has his grandparents too, in my experience grandparents
    are just the best part of being a little boy.  And in a way he's still
    got the stability of a two, make that three grown up home.
    
    Keep smiling!!
    Lyn

    Re:  .9
    
    You sound just like me!  My son is almost 2, but he understands so much
    it's amazing, probably because I have been talking to him forever.  And
    his name is Josh, and we moved out of Daddy's house recently.  I told
    him when we moved that this is Josh and Mommy's new house, this is Josh's
    room, Josh's new school.   He even went apartment hunting and daycare
    hunting with me, so the place wasn't totally unfamiliar.  It did not 
    take long before we were pulling into the driveway and he would get out 
    of the car, runs across the lawn, and say "Josh's pear tree" in the 
    neighbor's yard!   
    
    At first he would always ask about daddy, and I say Daddy's not here, or
    Daddy's at Daddy's house.   At that age you can't say "you'll see Daddy
    Wednesday night, or you'll see daddy this weekend" because what the 
    heck does that mean, right?  So I just say Daddy's not here right now.
    Mommy's here.  And I say Later.  You'll see daddy "later".  He knows
    pretty much what that means.  I think he's grasping the concept of 
    tomorrow, also, because I say tomorrow when I mean tomorrow.  
    
    It seems to be as long as the child trusts what you tell him because
    you are honest with him, and the daddy is reliable enough to show when
    you say he will, he can live with that.  Uncertainty is probably alot
    more painful.  
    
    When he comes home from Daddy's house, he is usually a mess.  I mean
    crying, screaming Daddy! Daddy!  (as in no Daddy don't leave! when will
    I see you again!).  That is tough to take.  It is hard not to get my
    feelings hurt (he would rather be with Daddy!).  So I hold him tight
    and hug him and then say (like we are going to have fun now) "let's watch
    sesame street" (put on the taped show) or "let's play fishing game"! 
    He is still distractable so when he hears one he wants, it works!  and
    then he is mostly fine.  So far so good!  He even tells me as best he
    can what he has done at daddy's house and I always say "wow, did you
    have fun".  like I'm real excited, right.  He even talks about daddy's
    girlfriend!  that's the hard one to swallow, but I still say wow, good!
    
    Guess I've rambled on enough.