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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:	Parenting
Notice:	READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:	CSC32::DUBOIS

Created:	Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:	Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:	Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:	1364
Total number of notes:	23848

969.0. "child doesn't want to leave daycare" by MARX::FLEURY () Mon Jun 17 1991 13:07

    Recently my daughter, 14 months, has begun to express varying levels 
    of objection ranging from mild discontent to outright temper tantrums
    when I pick her up from daycare.  The other child that Paula cares
    for, 2+ years, also throws temper tantrums when it is time to leave.  
    Invariably the problems are worse when the children are busy playing 
    outside at the end of the day.  Apparently they are having such a good 
    time they simply do not want to leave.

    Paula has decided to bring the children indoors at least a half hour
    before the end of the day to minimize the problem.   She also prepares
    them before hand saying "your mommy will be here soon, isn't that nice?",
    and "pretty soon you get to go home and play with mommy and daddy and
    Cindy (the dog)".

    After reading all the notes in this file from parents of children who
    dislike daycare, I realize this is a very minor problem.  I think it's
    great that my daughter and the other little girl love being at Paula's
    house and I wouldn't trade that kind of care for anything in the world.
    But I can't help feeling just a little bit hurt when my daughter reacts 
    by crying and running back to the daycare providor when she sees me.  

    Does anybody else's children seem to prefer daycare/their daycare 
    providor?  I feel like I must be the only mother in the world whose
    child would rather stay at the babysitters house.  What can I do to make 
    the transition at the end of the day go smoother?

    -Carol (Michelle's second choice)

T.R	Title	User	Personal Name	Date	Lines
969.1	You're not alone	EXIT26::MACDONALD_K	no unique hand plugs the dam	`Mon Jun 17 1991 13:26`	20
	Carol, I know how you feel... My daughter does the exact same thing sometimes when I pick her up at Patty's house. I have noticed, though, that it's usually when they're outside playing when I get there. Paula's idea of bringing the children inside for a half hour before you get there is a good one and may help out a great deal. I don't really have a hard time with it anymore... I'm very greatful that my daughter enjoys being there and there are those days that she comes running up to me with a huge smile on her face squealing "Mommy!!!". There's nothing at all like the feeling I get when she throws her arms around my neck and kisses me. I wouldn't take it personally... Kids tend to live for the moment and when they're having fun playing and suddenly they realize that they have to stop, it's only natural that they'll get very upset. - Kathryn
969.2	I bring a snack	CIM::DIAZ		`Mon Jun 17 1991 14:04`	5
	I've had this problem off and on. One thing I do for Justine is to bring her somekind of treat for the car ride home (15 mins.). I bring fruit or crackers or Shark bites, that kind of stuff. So lately I hardly get a chance to talk, just "let's go Mom".
969.3	Typical	DSSDEV::STEGNER		`Mon Jun 17 1991 14:44`	5
	This is very typical behavior. The phase that really got me was when my son would reach for his sitter when I was holding him. :-( Yes, I was chopped liver. But it was a short phase. Thank goodness! This too shall pass.
969.4	Us too!	NOVA::WASSERMAN	Deb Wasserman, DTN 264-1863	`Mon Jun 17 1991 14:58`	4
	Yup, Marc does this too. And it's always worse when they're outside also. I usually let him take "just one more slide down the slide", then I pick him up, kicking legs and all. The crying usually stops in less than a minute, and once we get in the car, he's back to normal!
969.5	May continue, but doesn't hurt as much	POWDML::SATOW		`Mon Jun 17 1991 15:37`	19
	Sometimes it's unfortunate that younger kids learn from older kids. In addition to the fact that your daughter is enjoying herself, she is learning the tantrum behavior from her playmate. Seems to me that the daycare provider is doing the right thing. In addition, it might help if you announce your presence to your daughter, but don't insist that she leave right away -- in other words just watch her (or perhaps even join in the play, if they'll let you) for a few minutes to let her "wind down". If Paula isn't busy, take time to discuss how the day's gone, etc. While it's human to want to get home as soon as possible, if you are "uptight" at all, your "uptightness" tends to transfer to your child. I know how you feel. I remember times when I didn't quite know what to expect. Some times one or both of my children were totally absorbed in something, and wouldn't want to leave. Sometimes, they were looking glum, and were ready to leave before I got there. And all shades in between. For us, this went on far past 14 months, but I don't think it's quite as bad later, because your child can articulate why she doesn't want to leave right away, and it doesn't come across so much as a rejection of you. Clay
969.6	yep	CSSE32::RANDALL	Bonnie Randall Schutzman, CSSE/DSS	`Mon Jun 17 1991 18:01`	12
	It comes and goes, and it doesn't mean your child prefers the sitter -- certainly not in the long term. It just means she's having a good time and doesn't want to leave. Clay's suggestion of not just picking her up and running is an excellent one. We always found that by the time we gathered up the stuff and chatted with the sitter about the day's events, Steven was tugging at us to get going. David is starting to do that, too. --bonnie
969.7		MARX::FLEURY		`Wed Jun 19 1991 10:17`	8
	Thanks for the suggestions and encouragement. You've given me some good ideas to work with. I guess I just have to remind myself that she is her own person (little as she may be), and has a right not to be interrupted in the middle of something. Anyway - thanks for the encouragement - at least now I don't feel liks such an ogre when my child doesn't want to leave daycare.