Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Well, you could start with note 791, Daycare Success Stories. 
    Unfortunately, there are only 3 notes there... I find it hard to 
    believe that only 3 of us are happy with our daycare providers!!  I'm
    sure there of lots of us (me included) who are feel our kids are getting
    excellent care, but just haven't written in that particular note.  I
    think people are more inclined to write when they're unhappy!

    Actually, there are lots of good childcare providers.  Almost all of
    them provide healthy physical environments.  I found the "trick" to
    finding the right care for my children was to find someone with my
    parenting values - on education, on punishment, on food, on almost
    anything  you consider even remotely important.
    
    Since you seem to want care provided in a private home/family
    environment, you have a new hunt ahead of you.  Finding the right 
    provider takes time.  While I was looking (when we moved to a
    new location, for instance), I took advantage of nursery schools or
    day care centers (commercial ones).  These centers frequently are
    regular school bus stops, so your 7 year old could go there directly
    after school.    It at least is a temporary "safe" circumstance until you
    find another private home, or other long term solution.
    
    
    -m

    I'd say that a good childcare provider ("childminder" here in the
    UK) is one that respects your parenting style, even if s/he doesn't
    share that style. Our childminer, Elaine, tries hard to do what
    we want, although sometimes doesn't understand because of cultural
    differences. The little things add up: we don't want our
    daughter eating too many cookies, so Elaine restricts the
    number of cookies at snack time. We aren't in a rush to
    do potty training, so Elaine respects that (although she potty
    trained her own children at early ages.) And so forth.
    
    At the same time, a good childcarer will communicate. Our
    daughter has been with Elaine for one and a  half years,
    but Elaine still tells us the plans for the day. (Sometimes
    we don't understand what she's said, but that's a different
    matter.) She tells us how our daughter has been during the
    day, if there were any upsets or interesting experiences.
    
    Plus, she loves our daughter, the way an aunt might: she
    asks for a kiss goodbye on Friday afternoon, she buys
    a new toy now and then for our daughter to use, she
    is proud of new developments. She took our daughter
    swimming (with our happy permission, and after buying
    toddler flotation armbands) -- something I never would
    have thought of -- and now our daughter adores the water.
    
    At first trust was paramount; now, we trust her without
    question, so it's no longer an issue. I know our daughter
    is in safe hands.
    
    I wouldn't necessarily want to be best friends with Elaine,
    and I don't agree with her politics, and sometimes it's
    incredibly frustrating (on both sides, I'm sure) trying
    to communicate, as we come from completely different
    educational, cultural, and religious backgrounds.
    But none of that has mattered in the least.
    
       -Barbara

    I'm writing to beg you to report your former child care person to
    DSS.  Think of the tragedy another family my have with her if you
    don't report her!
    
    Unfortunately, licensing is only for house safety-- not quality of the
    provider.  But if you report her, perhaps you will keep another child
    from being out in a puddle (what if it was a two year old instead of a
    7 year old).
    
    Good luck with your own search!

    I agree with .4, you should report this woman to the Office for
    Children.  Although you are no longer using her, it seems she is not
    that stable "upstairs" if you will.  Leaving a child outside in a
    puddle, or lying to you telling you that they've not gone anywhere,
    when you know for a fact they have, would leave me wondering what else
    has this woman done and either not told me or lied about, or even worse
    has she commited some immoral act with these children.
    
    I'd say her reaction of threatening you with the DSS only appears to
    verify she isn't real stable, and I'd say go ahead call the DSS, you've
    done nothing wrong, from what you've described she's the one who's
    stepped a little too far out of bounds.
    
    Jean contact me off line, this woman sounds like a provider I used
    briefly a couple years ago, she kept calling me long after I pulled him
    out leaving anonymous messages on my machine about how I "neglected" my
    son, and once in a while she'd call and leave a message that she was
    going to call he lawyer because I'd reported her to the Office for
    children.  Unfortunately I know for a fact that she is still licensed.
    
    It sure takes all kinds!
    Lyn

Jim/I were thrilled when a friend agreed to take Juli (after we flex-houred
the first year).  It all seemed perfect.  We believed we shared similar
parenting styles, similar disciplining styles, similar limits and values,
she would be "fair" amongst all kids, she would show good judgement (never
leave the kids unattended) ... blah, blah, blah ...

And then we realize ... you never REALLY know ANYONE!

Our "ex"-homecare provider took a LOT of risks! -- which we NEVER suspected 
until it involved Juli!   You don't think she'd tell us about these risks?  
Mostly because SHE didn't think they were risks (she raised her three kids
and they are all alive and well ...):

.  like leaving kids in a van while she ran "quick errands" ... not ONCE,
	but many times! - gas station, department store, PEDI'S OFFICE!
.  sending little tykes (1 year old!) outside to play while she's on the
	phone, cooking, doing laundry ...
.  playing in the snow with no hat, no mittens, NO BOOTS! in a wind-chill
	situation which would chill MY bones!
.  no schedules -- eatting, napping, etc.
.  "getting along with other kids" meant winning at fighting
.  entertainment consisted of the same toys, TV and same kids ...

You want some hair-raising stories, Jim/I have got some to tell!  And this is
someone we KNEW, someone we thought was perfect for Juli ... 

Very, very few homecare providers can devote themselves to the care/custody
of their kids AND your kid(s) FULL-time!  And of those few, very few share
similar parenting styles.

Yes, we, too, had a very bad experience with homecare!  Would I report her
to DSS - hands down NOOO!  She can raise her kids the way she wants ...
and we'll raise ours the way we want!  

Juli's daycare center is much more on track to what we wanted for Juli:
	.  constant attention and care 
	.  consistency
	.  control and discipline
	.  lots of "varied" activity
	.  lots of places to go and things to do
	.  music, dance and swimming instruction!!!
	.  schedules!
	.  lots of kids and lots of "trained, experienced" instructors
		whose ONLY job is the kids (not the laundry, housework ...)
	.  an environment set up for JUST kids -- the center is THEIR
		house and you'll find paint stains, sand, scuffed doorframes...
	.  lots of opportunity to experiment, play and learn

Oh how time and experience often sheds a different light on things!!!

Dottie

    I think how you can tell if you have someone who's good for you and
    your child ... is if you have someone who parents the same as you.  The
    easiest (?) way to tell this is to interact with THEIR children for a
    while and decide how much you like them.  If you see a lot of your
    child in their child, then you probably have a match.  If you just want
    to up and smack the kid, I'd steer clear.
    
    Our current provider is no less than wonderful.  We had more than a few
    who probably should've been reported to DSS, so by the time we went
    looking for Debra, we KNEW the questions we wanted answered, and in
    hindsight, it was probably more like an interrogation than an interview
    for her.  
    
    You probably know by now the things that you don't really care about,
    and the things that you care a LOT about - school, driving around,
    errands, fighting, number of kids, etc.  Start with those questions,
    and perhaps (we did) include a reason WHY you're asking the question.
    
    Do you go out often with the kids ?
    When you go out, are they in car seats?  
    
    Because the previous ditz who watched my kids just tossed 'em all in the 
    back of the wagon and cruised around all day ....
    
    Maybe we got lucky - or maybe it was because we had just decided that
    we weren't going to switch daycares again, and weren't going to pick
    someone till we were both happy.  Another approach may be to have you
    and your husband go separately.  At least then you have 2 separate
    impressions to work from.  And I will say that the "previous ditz"
    showed herself quite well in an interview .... and came from DEC's
    child referral program!!
    
    ...I think we got lucky.  FWIW - our current provider is a very
    religious woman, and I KNOW that a good deal of her patience comes to
    her through her religion.  Not being religious ourselves, it was just
    something that happened, not necessarily what we were looking for - but
    I think it's part of why it's worked out so well.
    
    Good Luck!!
    Patty