Conference moira::parenting_v3

Marv,

There is and entire notesfile dedicated to blended families.

See note 7.7 of this notesfile for information.

Clay

    Thanks Clay,
    
      I've added it to my notebook but would still appreciate any points of
    view that people in here have.
    
    
    Marv
    

    From where I see it there are several problems here.  One of the most
    apparent is that this child seems (IMO) to be a little spoiled,
    secondly his mother seems to do a little adjusting to the fact that she
    is not longer the only person with whom her son lives, and thirdly he
    needs to understand that this is NOT the way a young adult should be
    acting.
    
    I can see that your wife has probably been the only provider for this
    young man, probably for quite a few years, probably until not long ago?
    and maybe your wife needs some help in learning to let go and allow you
    some of the child rearing responsibilities.  It appears that you son is
    playing good guy against bad guy, and you're ending up being the bad
    guy.
    
    Isn't there a support group out there for "blended families", would
    conseling be an option for you.  As I sit here I'm thinking of the
    Friday night program Full House, where a youngster of a divorced woman
    tries just about everything to keep his mother from remarrying.  I sort
    of see you in this situation.  It really takes a special man to be a
    "step daddy".  The other thought I have is how much of it could be "the
    age", after all a 13year old boy is not quite a man, but no longer a
    kid anymore, and dealing with growing up, a new family situation has to
    be tough on him.
    
    Good luck and God bless!
    Lyn

    
    Hi Marv,
    
    Interested in viewpoints from non-step-parents too?  
    
    With respect to the food, I'm not sure that I understand the problem.
    Is it that your son is inconsiderate of what others might want when he
    helps himself?  Or is it that you think he eats too much or eats the 
    wrong types of food (i.e. too much treats)?   I have a few, random 
    thoughts nonetheless.   First off, teenagers can eat alot!  I don't 
    think it's unreasonable for your step-son to eat more than you or 
    your wife as his nutrition needs are different (usually higher).  As 
    far as the "my cake" is considered, in some families, dessert is a 
    given part of the meal so maybe that is his "tradition" within his 
    previous family.  Thus, he might see it as a given.   Your tradition 
    may treat dessert as an extra; so your expectations are different.   
    
    Personally, I prefer not to use food as a reward as I believe doing 
    so can result in eating disorders in the teen and adult years.   There's 
    the phrase "choose your battles wisely" that I think is applicable here; 
    is food really worth fighting over?   From what you've entered in your 
    base note, I don't think so, but that's just my opinion.   I'm assuming 
    that your grocery budget isn't too tight and that he is eating a decent 
    meal before having dessert; my opinion might be different if these 
    assumptions aren't true.
    
    On the issue of the baseball shoes, well, I think your wife is at
    fault here.   You and he made a deal and he needs to keep up his
    end of the bargain without help from your wife or no shoes.   Actually,
    I think 10 days of dishes is a pretty good deal for a new pair of 
    spikes unless he has an already-full schedule (school, sports,
    homework, job, etc).  Was the deal 10 consecutive days or just any
    10 days?
    
    You'll find a lot of good information in the blended family
    notesfile since it is geared to just these types of situations.
    Good luck!
    
    Carol

As another non-step parent....


My first instinct on reading the basenote is that a 13 year old is hungry all
the time.  Food may not be the best tool with which to make your point.
I think the previous note had a good point about family culture; dessert may
be a given in your wife's family, but not in yours.

However, the example of taking all the sausage or the last ice cream bar - what
I hear you saying (don't you just love this touchy-feely phrase) is that he is
not considering the other family members when taking his share, and your wife
is encouraging the selfishness (is selfish too strong a word? - best I can do).
If this is really the issue, then you have to get your wife to see it too.
13 is not too young to treat family members with respect and consideration.

On the dishes - Since you and your step-son made a deal, all family members 
should honor it. I suspect your wife is having trouble sharing the 
responsibility of raising your son.  Try discussing such things 
with your wife in advance (and in private) for a while and work out common 
points of view, so you both present a united front to your son.  Then, if she 
has trouble sticking to the deal, you can ask (in private again) why she's 
finding it hard to uphold the arrangement.

    The base note could have been written by my husband 10 years ago!  When
    we got married I had a 7 year old daughter.  So, I may be reacting more
    to my life than I am reacting to what I read in the base note but ...
    
    What I thought when I read the base note was that the writer was
    stepping into an existing family and demanding that everything now be
    done his way. 
    
    (I know I am seeing this through VERY tinted glasses, and they aren't
    rose colored.)

    re .6
    
    I can see where it could appear that way as I did not give a sketch of
    our total situation.  However, both my wife and I agree that we've been
    able to make a lot of compromises about how *we* live but our lack of
    really serious discussion about parenting is the root of the issue.
    
    This is my first and only marriage.  I married at age 34 and I surely
    had become comfortable in my lifestyle.  Marriage has brought
    trememdous changes and I think we've handled them very well.  
    
    After some counselling my wife believes that I have made a lot of
    changes to accomodate her and Coty but that *she* hasn't made similar
    changes in how she operates.  I am not without responsibility for the
    friction but I am not the source of it.
    
    Since you speak from experience would you share how your situation
    resolved itself?  
    
    Thanks,
    
    
    Marv
    

    How my situation has resolved?  It hasn't.  My husband is one of those
    people who think counciling is only for people who like to complain. 
    That nothing is ever solved that way.  He will not agree to the "united
    front" concept.  You sound like you already have things much more under
    control than we ever will.
    
    As I said, you hit one of my hot spots, and I knew that I was applying
    something to your story that was not part of your situation.
    

    
    
    This could as easily be from my husband a few years back, except I'm
    the strict one.
    
    We spent about 2 years going to family counceling to work through the
    issues of getting me used to sharing responsibility, him used to being
    a father (but NOT Robert Young), and the kids not pulling the "Well, if
    I can't get Mom to let me, maybe I can get Dad to -- and if that won't
    work, I'll try sneaking and telling them the other one said it was
    o.k."
    
    A united front is the only way to work through things when the kids are
    involved.  We have gone so far as to agree with each other and then
    take it up as an issue when we are out of ear-shot from the kids.
    
    Excuse my saying so, and I may be reading my own situation into this,
    but it also sounds like you were hoping to be spoiled a little, too. 
    Unfortunately, moms seldom have time to spoil their husbands the same
    way they spoil their kids -- they have other ways of taking care of
    spoiling the "big guy" :^) .
    
    We do still have a confrontation with the selfishness of our oldest. 
    He was 12 when we married.  He's 18 now.  Luckily, it isn't as often. 
    He is always the one to take the last piece or the only one left - even
    if he knows it's being saved for someone else.  It does seem as though
    he's almost over this stage.
    
    Sorry for the rambling.
    
    n