Conference moira::parenting_v3

well, we are in a similar situation.  My husband (airline pilot) is also gone
for some length of time, then returns.  He leaves tonight for 11 days, after
being home 10 days.

My daughter is 4 months and she definitely knows him and misses him.  The
adjustment period is difficult.  Tomorrow evening she'll be fussy - she won't
have him to play with and I'll be busier.  Then when he comes home, it will 
take 1-2 days for all of us to adjust.  Elise will adjust the fastest; it's my 
husband and I who have trouble. He tends to think we've both been in a closet 
while he was gone, when in fact our lives have gone on and she's learned new 
skills.  And I get used to making decisions without consulting anyone else.

We try to deal with this by me "briefing" him on what has changed while he's
been gone.  I tell him on the phone nightly (our phone bills are horrendous),
but it doesn't really sink in until he sees her.  A couple months ago he would 
completely undermine the schedule that daycare and I had established, because
he would pick up where he left off.  Elise would get very confused and 
difficult, so I had to tell him that he was causing the problem. It hurt his 
feelings, but he adapted quickly.  (Tact is everything - I had to make sure he
understood that he was not a bad father, but that she had changed while
he was gone and he needed to relearn her behavior).  Now he asks for an update
when he gets home, usually on the car ride from the airport.

About him traveling - we were and are concerned about his absences too.  He
asked other father/pilots what they do.  It seems to be related to how much 
each father wanted to be involved.  The ones who left all childcare to their
wives seem to have little relationship with their kids and don't even miss it. 
The ones who cared alot about being involved were involved.  Personally, I don't 
think it is much different for non-traveling parents.

One pilot is the son of an airline pilot.  He said that yes, he sometimes was 
unhappy when his father would miss something important  (baseball game, school 
play, etc), but that when his father was home, he had undivided attention.  
They would spend a lot of time together and he was the envy of all the other 
kids.

The person who really amazes me is the pilot who is a single mother of three
kids.  I just don't know how she does it.

    I agree that children miss the absent parent.  My boyfriend and
    I split up a week and a half ago leaving me with an 8 month old 
    baby to take care of on my own.  The first 4 - 5 days were awful.
    Shane was up every three hours crying for a good hour before he
    would go back to sleep and then again, only slept for about three
    hours.  After about 5 days it seemed as though he adjusted then
    he saw his father, well the pattern started all over again.  He
    still has trouble sleeping through the night since his father is
    gone (he'd been sleeping through the night since he was 8 weeks
    old with never a problem other than when he wasn't feeling well).
    He'll be seeing his father again today, so we'll see what happens,
    but I've definately noticed that Shane notices a void.
    
    Lori B. 

    I agree.  They definitely know the difference & miss the absent parent.
    My husband travels quite frequently. Most trips are about 3 days, but
    we've gone as long as 3 weeks.
    Robbie's (now 31 months) reactions have been the same since he was
    around 3 months.  When Doug leaves the first day we really don't notice
    a difference.  On day 2, where's daddy? By day 3, who cares & so on.
    When Doug returns, Robbie gives a great greeting & then will proceed
    to ignore Daddy for the next 24 hrs as punishment.
    When Doug travels I try to make it a very special time for the 2 of us.
    Robbie & I go have a special dinner for the 2 of us at Burger King.
    We go special places.  Just the 2 of us.  So far, it seems to work.
    Doug left this morning & within an hour I heard "We go Burg King nite?"
    Kids know , no matter how young.
    
    Beth

Re: .0

For what it's worth, speaking on the child's behalf, my father was in
the Merchant Marine (i.e. a commercial sailor) and was gone for long
periods of time throughout my childhood.  I don't really remember him
as being gone.  What I remember are the times he was home and how
wonderful it was.  When I was old enough to enjoy getting mail, he'd
send me postcards from all over the world. (Mom, don't read that card
-- it's addressed to ME!)

A son can have a wonderful relationship with a father who travels.  It
has a shaping effect on the relationship. Your son will have different
experiences than his contemporaries in matters of parting, prolonged
separation and re-aquiantance.  But it doesn't mean that it's bad.

>>>==>PStJTT

    Fortunately, I don't have to travel a huge amount.  But, I remember a
    European trip (10 days) I had to take when my daughter was about 18
    months old.  When I got back, she wouldn't talk with me for 3 days
    because she was so mad.
    
    The next time I had to take a week-long trip, my wife came up with some
    great ideas that she said worked very well:
    
    1. Before I left, I recorded a couple of tapes.  The first had some of
       my daughter's favorite stories - the ones she asked me to read over
       and over again.  The second contained some bedtime songs I usually
       sang to her.
    
    2. I also wrote a few short letters to her.  I addressed them and gave
       them to my wife, who would mix one in with the mail every other day.
       They weren't long or elaborate: "Dear Molly, I'm in London today
       working.  If I see the queen, I'll say hello for you.  I miss you,
       and I'll be home in a few days."
    
    My wife said that these made a big difference.  I also didn't get the
    silent treatment when I got home.

    I would also add getting a video camera and showing your child videos
    of playing with daddy, singing songs, taking a bath, etc.  Let us know
    if that helps.
    
    Good luck,
    Marian
  

    Stephen will be a year old in a few weeks and I thought I would get
    back into this note and update on the results of my hubby being gone so
    much.  
    
    As far as I can see, the fact that John is away from home so much
    hasn't had an effect on Stephen.  When John is home, the two of them are
    together all the time.  Stephen really enjoys to be around his dad and
    gets all excited when he see him.
    
    I guess who ever said it is the quality of the time they spend together
    is right.  Stephen is a happy kid and has a special relationship with
    his dad dispite the fact that he doesn't see him much.
    
    Thanks for all your replys to this note.
    
    Kathy