Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    You are not alone in your worries.  I too found it difficult
    (impossible) to leave my son with a "stranger".   I solved this
    problem by selecting a daycare provider whom I did not know,
    but whom had cared for a close friend's child for 2+ years.
    This was a more comfortable situation for me than selecting 
    someone from the phone book, so to speak.
    
    Best wishes,
    Carol

>    I was surprised not to find a Conference on DAYCARE since it is
>    such a huge issue these days.
    
    Welcome to the conference. Try doing a DIR/KEYWORD=DAYCARE...you'll
    find at least 20 notes dealing with some aspect of daycare. Maybe
    you'll turn up some info that will help.

    I placed a ad in two local newspapers. In the ad I put exactly what I
    was looking for in a person and type of care.
    
    I have used both home care and having someone come to my house to care
    for my son. I presently have Eric going to my sitters home and she is
    a wonderful, caring, loving sitter. She watches two other children
    besides my son. Eric had been the only child being watched up until this
    September when I found Janet (my new sitter). Eric is now 21 months
    old. 
    
    I found her through her own ad. But my other sitters that I used in the
    past were found through my ad.
    
    Give me a call if you have any more questions or concerns.
    
    It's tough at first but it does get easier.....
    
    Lynne
    DTN:381-2242

I'm also a new mother of 8 months.  My daughter is being taken care of
by a lady whom I did not know, but knows my in-laws.  My daughter is
the only one she is taking care of.

But she has informed me she is getting out of the business the end of
May.  So I am faced with finding someone again.

First, remember there is a whole "rainbow" of care for your child.  As
far as the person caring for your son will be, your mother would be
one extreme, a total stranger is the other extreme.  There are many
"colors" inbetween.

A friend of a friend is one idea as mentioned before.  Also, go through
your church.  Either they will have a list of child care providers (
usually home-based), or a bulletin board where providers may put up 
their ads, or the church secretary just might "know someone who might
be interested".  Then when you get those names, ask them for references,
even if you think you may not use them.  Call those names and ask if
they know anybody.  I guess my feeling is someone in my parish has got
to be okay and if they are recommended by someone I know, that's even
better.

To me, the other aspect to be concerned about is the number of other
children the provider has.  Prepare yourself; most people you will talk
to (especially the unlicensed kind -- which, by the way, doesn't mean
they aren't good providers if they aren't licensed) care for 4 children
or more.  It is *really hard* to find:

	- someone to come to your home to only care for your child
	- someone who will care for only your child at their home
	- someone who will care for your child and, say, only 1 or
	  2 other children, in their home

but this is what I want so I am willing to spend more time looking at
also to pay more.

As far as the Child Care Resource and Referral Program goes, in my area
it turned out to be the local YWCA.  So I called them and they told
me that since I was a Digital employee, I was entitled to a few extra
brochures about child care.  Big deal.  Plus they said they could not
help me find someone to come to my home.  They can give you references
for family home care, but so far the 3 or 4 that I've called I ruled
out over the phone!  Mainly because they had too many children.  Plus
one of them couldn't speak English very well.

It's very hard and very heart-wrenching as you described.  One thing
you can look for in your provider is how she interacts with your child.
I can tell that Robbie (my sitter) *loves* Michelle.  She is always
talking about how cute she is, the things she does, how everyone else
she meets also likes Michelle, etc.  That makes me feel good.  She is
a mother herself.  So don't despair, there are other good providers out
there besides your mom.

Good luck (to the both of us!).
Kyra

    See note 2.106 for my (highly successful) experience and tips.  Don't
    worry so much, heh?  The referral program will give you a lot of names
    and once you start looking you'll feel much better about it.  With
    enough options, I'm sure you can find an excellent provider.
    
    You can post a request for info in note 2, also.
    
    Laura

    After my son was born, the thought of leaving him as a young infant
    with someone really bothered me. For various reasons, my husband
    ended up being home with him until 9 months. By then, we could
    both see that he was ready for other kids and activity, and really
    was quite bored with just one or both parents around. That time at home
    made a world of difference for me in terms of adjustment to day care.
    Moreover, my husband did all the interviewing of potential providers
    and I trusted his judgement implicitly. It has really worked out quite
    well for us.
    
    Oddly enough, the idea of putting my second (due in Aug)in to daycare 
    as an infant doesn't bother me as much, perhaps because I already 
    know and trust my provider, and know that my child will be in good
    hands.
    
    You will find that the more research, interviewing and work you do,
    the more intellectually comfortable you will feel. Emotionally, it
    will just take some time.
    
    best of luck
    

    
    There is something in the basenote that I missed until I re-read
    it.   I'm wondering what others experiences have been with multiple
    daycare arrangements (I'm assuming that Linda is looking for two
    days care with a new provider, three days with grandmother, and
    Sat/Sun with parents).   Specifically, I'm wondering if people have
    found it to be easier or more difficult (on both child and parents) 
    to transition to a new arrangement on a part-time basis.  Also, how 
    does it work in the long run logistically?        
    
    Since my son runs best on a schedule, I tend to match his weekend
    schedule to the one that his babysitter maintains (as best is
    possible).   I think it would be hard for him to have several 
    different routines and environments and would think communication
    about that routine would be very important in the basenoter's
    scenario.  I'm probably not giving my son enough credit for the
    ability to adapt to different routines....
    
    Sorry to go off on a tangent.   I'm curious because I anticipate 
    having to manage a transition from a home daycare to a group
    daycare/nursery school arrangement when my son is around 3.  I
    start my worrying a long time in advance :-)!
    
    Carol

    
    There are some really great pointers in these answers.  My concerns,
    fears and wants were very much along the lines expressed here in this
    note last Fall when Jim/I were pursuing daycare for our 1-year old
    (up until then we were able to flex-hours).
    
    We were very fortunate to find a "friend" -- someone we knew very well
    and share very similar parenting viewpoints with.  She was very
    convenient (next door) and had three children of her own (2 are in
    school).  Her youngest is only 5 months older than JA (who now tells 
    us her name is "Juli" ... not "JA"!).
    
    Initiating this new transition was much, much more difficult on US than
    Juli.  She loved going over to Cheryl's and playing with Elizabeth. 
    They did a lot of fun things together and she gained a playmate. 
    Cheryl treated Juli like Juli was her own.  We were very pleased with
    this arrangement.  One thing you have to be careful about in pursuing a
    friend/family to care for your child is whether or not your
    relationship is strong enough to discuss differences.  We were lucky we
    could talk about anything with Cheryl (lunch selections, napping
    schedules, frequency of diaper changes, means of disciplining ... 
    amazing how things will crop up which need to be discussed and resolved).
    
    However, what we are now facing is the developmental differences.  Due
    to a change in Cheryl's daily environment, Juli has become "bored" --
    compounded by the onset of "early terrible 2's".  Jim/I were giving
    this some thought (a month ago), when a family tragedy called us out of
    state for 3+ weeks.  During this time we had a chance to really watch
    Juli "fulltime" and found she loved activities, playing with other kids
    (all ages) and did best when "somewhat" on a schedule.  When we returned,
    Juli and Cheryl were experiencing the same "frustrations" ... so Jim/I
    addressed looking into a Learning Center for Juli -- she begins on
    3/18.
    
    Now that Juli's a little older and has developed her own little-people
    personality, I worry a lot less.   Juli will adapt to just about any
    situation  (home care, daycare, Grandma's house ...) BUT seems to do
    BETTER when left to play and experiment (Learning Center) vs. the
    confines and limitations of home care.  In other words, Jim/I are
    trying to offer Juli an environment which hopefully she'll enjoy and be
    happy in (afterall, she'll be spending most of her prime time there)
    vs. something that is convenient, comfortable, cheaper ...
    and makes US happy!!
              --
    
    Good luck ... I know how difficult this decision can be (as you weight
    every pro and con), but it does get easier with time.
    
    Dottie
    
    
                                                         

re: .7

A split arrangement worked out fine for us.

When our daughter was about three and our daycare provider decided to go to 
three days per week, we thought it would be best to have her in one place full 
time.  We found a full time provider, but became quite disenchanted, and 
decided to change rather abruptly.  Since we didn't have the luxury of doing 
another search, we took her back to her old provider for three days, and found 
a daycare center for the other two.  

In retrospect, it worked out fine -- perhaps even better than a full time 
situation in either.  I think it made her adjustment to full time at the 
daycare center easier.  She had the "anchor" -- the familiar surroundings -- 
of her old environment, and didn't get introduced to a daycare center type of 
environment cold turkey.  When we decided it was time to change to five days a 
week in the daycare center, it went off without a hitch.  (Of course it may 
have gone off without a hitch even if we went cold turkey).  The fact that we 
had two places also provided backup (our three days a week person had no 
backup, and the daycare center took holidays on some days that DEC didn't).  

I can't say it was easier.  There were two checks to write each week, two 
sets of records to keep, two providers when we figured daycare expenses for 
our taxes, two sets of idiosyncracies (disposbles only one place, cloth only 
the other).  But all in all, it was not significantly harder.

.7 may not be premature with the planning.  Most daycare centers prefer full 
time clients, so they may have a very  limited number of openings for part 
timers.  So it may pay to start looking soon.  

Clay

    
    Clay's previous note brought up another interesting point -- 
    		WAITING LISTS!!
    
    Just a year ago, when Jim/I first started making calls, "few" daycare
    centers had openings for a fulltime 1-year old  (most centers have
    age/development stages, so although there may be an opening in the
    center, it might be in the wrong stage) --  
    Bottom line:  there WAS a waiting list.
    
    Just last week "I" started this pursuit again (this time, for a 1-1/2
    year old) ... and found that EVERY daycare center I called had
    "several" openings and were more than happy to accomodate OUR needs!
    I also noticed that the cost had gone down a bit (not a lot, but some
    ... about $20/week).
    
    If you find a daycare which fits YOUR needs, chances are you won't have
    ANY trouble getting your child registered "today".
    
    Dottie
    
    PS:  We live in central Massachusetts.
        

    RE: .10
    
    You are correct that there are often waiting lists.  However, please
    keep in mind that there are restrictions on the number of children
    under the age of 2 that can be cared for PER ADULT.  In the private
    setting this limit is 2.  This means that a daycare provider might have
    openings available but they might be restricted to older children.
    
    Dan

    
    My son has been in daycare since he was 2 months old.  I found a
    daycare through a referral service.  I would never recommend her or the
    referral service to anyone.  She called me at work almost every other 
    week for four months.   I got to the point when 1:00 came around I was 
    surprised she hadn't called.  Four of those times she called, I found 
    out she just wanted the afternoon off.  The first thing I would do was 
    worry and then call the doctor.  I was a new mom and trusted her judgement. 
    Those few times I would take him to the doctor only to find out nothing
    was wrong.  All that worry and money for nothing.  I finally came to
    the conclusion that she cared more about the money than my son.
    
    The best part is that we found out she had lead paint.  She knew about
    it well before we got there.  She finally told me 4 months into our
    stay.  I found out that her 2 yr old son was treated for lead
    poisoning.  With her it has been one lie after another.  She never told
    us about the lead beause she needed the money so bad.  Can you believe
    it, she would jeopardize my son.  By the way, we found all this out by 
    the woman who referred her to us.  (she new about the lead all along).
    
    I'm not trying to scare anyone, but if I had used my own instincts, I 
    would have been out of there and into another daycare long before the 
    lead paint issue came up.   
    
    The daycare I have now has made up for the problems I had before.  She
    is very reliable, loving and will care for him through new teeth and 
    runny noses.                                          
                                               
    Tricia  

    To the basenoter:
    
    I understand your concern.  It is very scary to leave your 
    child to a stranger.  My recommandation is to do your best.
    Interview as many providers as possible.  Since your son will
    be 8 months old.  You may also consider daycare centers.
    Give yourself plenty of time.  Don't rush to make a decision.
    Try to visit the daycare place more than once.  After you
    start the daycare, keep close monitoring.  If you feel that
    something is wrong, don't hestitate to take your son out.
    
    It may take you several tries to find the right place.  I
    do believe you will find it.  When my son was an infant,
    I had 4 nannies within 1 year.  The first nanny was terrible,
    the last three were much better.  Especially, the last one,
    she is now taking care of my daughter and is wonderful.
    You will learn from the experience and do better judgements.
    
    Good luck.
    
    Wendy
     

    I need a little encouragement of my own.
    
    Today our day care provider let us know that she doesn't feel like she
    can care for our daughter any longer.  She has a daughter who was born
    only the day before Gina was and is finding two infants too demanding.
    
    I am so upset about having to find another caregiver.  Our current
    caregiver is nearly perfect.  She is convenient, fairly priced, and
    most importantly, gives our daughter wonderful care.  
    
    I know I'll find someone else who I'll click with eventually.  But it
    took me probably 40 hours to find the first caregiver.  I wasn't
    working then and basically spent all of my time for over a week trying
    to find a caregiver.  Now I'm at work and have to do this.
    
    Just needed a shoulder to cry on...
    
    (Are you soaked through to your undershirt yet?)
    
    judy

    Judy,
    
    You can do it!  You have all that practice from finding a caregiver
    last time, and look what a great job you did!
    
    It's hard to believe, but this will all work out for the best.  Now
    that you have experience with finding AND working with a caregiver,
    you'll be even better at finding what you want, and it won't take as
    long this time.
    
    Also, you won't have the doubts about Gina's wellbeing like you did the
    first time.  Now you know how well she can do in the right setting, so
    that won't be in your way.
    
    I really know how you feel.  When I lost the best "sitter" in the
    world, I was crushed.  Then I found a better one.  Now I have an even
    better situation.  The kids are thriving, and have been all along the
    way.  They have consistently received good care and LOTS of love.
    
    Good luck - you can do it!                                       

re .11: one adult per 2 children under two years of age

I don't know about your state, but in Indiana, the law is that 1 adult can
care for 4 (yes I said *4*) infants.  And that's the way it is at daycare
centers and home-based care.  Can you believe it?  Could you imagine taking
care of 4 infants at once?  And then you can have up to 4 other kids (say,
toddler age)!  The law is 1 adult can care for 8 toddlers.  I think it's
terrible.  No wonder providers are underpaid and the turnover is high; they
get burned out fast.

re .14: need encouragement

Have you ever noticed that the child always seems to fare better than the
parent?  I'm the one who has problems when Michelle:

	- teethes,
	- gets a shot (I almost cry myself!),
	- gets sick,
	- takes an airplane trip (I get so nervous for her!),
	- is taken care of by someone else.

I'm the nervous wreck and she comes through with flying colors!

Kyra

    re: .16
    
    You want to hear something that is more outrageous?  My good
    friend, who lives in Minnesota, just sent her 2 months old
    baby to a home-care center.  The daycare provider cares ** 10 **
    children.   Among them 4 are under 15 months old.   I cann't
    believe people will actually let someone takes care 10 toddlers
    at once.  What will happen if an emergency occurs?   This is
    one of the rare times that I am actually thankful that I live in
    Massachusetts.
    
    Wendy

    I want to thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement!
    
    I'm still interviewing providers and hope to make a decision soon.
    So far, ironic as it may be since I thought I'd have to interview
    25 providers, I really like the very first person I went to see, 
    and have a second interview scheduled to bring my husband and Thomas 
    at the end of this week.  I'm glad the first provider left such a 
    good impression, as it gave me more confidence that there were good 
    providers out there.  Others I have interviewed certainly haven't 
    left me with that same impression for numerous reasons.  It's
    definately true about that "gut feeling", somehow you just know.
    I still get an empty feeling in my stomach when I think of leaving
    Thomas with someone new, but I'm hoping this will be a good 
    experience for the both of us.
    

    To those who are shocked about the ratio's of adults to children
    license variations, try to remember that there are people who can give
    quality care to more children than others.  Carrie's former sitter had
    enough resources to handle several 3 to 5's and 3 under three as well
    giving all the kids enough quality time.  I dropped in at odd hours,
    because of my schedule, and never ran into more than standard kid
    clutter, and noise.  I have also seen homes where more than two kids of
    any age was too many and the people were licensed for 6 with 1 under
    three.  the only way to find out is to come in and see how everyone is
    doing at a few different time of the day.
    
    Meg

    I'd like to ask a question, and get some opinions just to digress a
    little.
    
    When you're interviewing a potential daycare provider or situation do
    you take the child with you the first time, or interview the first time
    without the child, so you can do it without being distracted by your
    own child?  Would you then take the child with you if you wanted to
    interview a second time?  Are second interviews customary?  Do you
    think a trial day or half day before a full commitment, (I'm presuming 
    this trial day or half day is unpaid, just to see how is works while 
    you're not there).
    
    And kind of important, if you are working 40 hours a week, that being a
    typical 8:15 to 5, Monday through Friday day at DEC, when and how do
    you find time to interview this caregiver in her home or establishment?
    
    I'd also like to get a feeling of how many people leave the child near
    their home, or near their work site.  In our case we live 35 minutes
    from work, and prefer having AJ closer to work incase something goes
    wrong we need to check on, or so we can just pick him up in the case of
    doing something after work or his numerous doctors appointments which
    are in Worcester for the most part, without going all the way home (crossing
    through Worcester) and then back through again.
    
    Just as an aside, I have dealt with both theDEC referral services, Child
    Care Search and Child Care Connection, and find them to be quite
    adequate and understanding of your needs.
    
    Lyn
    

    Re: .20.  Yes, I think it is a good idea to do the first interview by
    yourself.  It is much easier to concentrate on what you're trying to
    find out if you don't have the added distration of the child. 
    Also, you often find you and the provider talking about how cute the
    child is, etc., and you never get the real questions answered.  Especially
    if the child is toddler-age.  
    
    In my case, Marc was only 2 mos. old when I interviewed daycare providers,
    so he was perfectly content to sleep in his infant seat, and it wasn't 
    a distraction to take him along.  But if I were to do it again at his 
    current age (17 mos.), I would _definitely_ leave him home.  If you 
    like the provider after the first interview, definitely take the child 
    with you the next time so you can see how they respond to each other.
    
    Regarding a trial period...  I guess this is something you can work out
    with the potential provider.  Are you thinking of having your child go
    to this provider for one day without paying?  Even if this were OK with
    everyone, I don't think you can get much of an idea if the provider
    will work out from just one day.  
    
    About hours - why don't you set up an appointment to speak to the
    provider in the evening?  

    re: .20.
    
    I agree with all of what Deb suggested.   I would not bring a toddler
    or older child on the first interview; but would on second interviews.
    And, yes, I think second interviews are normal.
    
    With respect to a trial period, we left our son with his (now)
    daycare provider for a full day to see how it went.  I had told
    her how awful he was (he was colicky) and she wanted to see how
    he fit into her routine and/or just how bad he was!   She did this
    at no charge, but I wouldn't hesitate to pay for a trial period 
    somewhere if I was serious about the provider and payment was 
    requested.
    
    As for when to do interviews, I guess that I am lucky that my hours
    are somewhat flexible and can skip lunch or work an hour from home
    or whatever to cover for something like a daycare interview or a
    doctor's appointment.    I personally prefer to visit when the other
    children (if there are other children) are there to see how the
    provider interacts and to see "typical" activities, so I'd suggest
    squeezing your interviews into your lunch break if possible.
    
    My sons daycare provider is closer to home than to work (and we 
    actually have to head the opposite direction from home to drop
    him off/pick him up!) but feel the extra 10 miles is worth it.
    
    Carol

    When prospective clients call us (my wife provides care), we usually
    set up an evening interview for the "basics".  This includes rates,
    rules, etc.  We also suggest that they return during the day with the
    children to see the environment with children present.  We prefer this
    because it usually eases the mind of the parent and also familiarizes
    the child with the environment.
    
    Dan