Conference moira::parenting_v3

                       <<< Note 694.0 by ICS::NELSONK >>>
    >                  -< Reward system/how does it work >-
    
    
    Guess what ... for us it doesn't work AT ALL!
    
    You didn't want to hear that did you!
     :-)
    
    Stuart

    
    Hi Kate,  
    
    The mornings were always the worst for me and my now 5 year old.
    But when Liam was about 3 1/2 I had to do something.  He was 
    constantly complaining about his clothes (he is very particular
    about the way things fit-the sleeves have to be just to his wrist,
    the belt has to be just tight enough, etc, etc. it was maddening -
    and he would have a fit if everything wasn't perfect.)
    
    So I decided a little behavior modification was in order. 
    
    i put up a calendar on the fridge, one i made with big spaces for the days.
      
    he was basically told that if he could get dressed in what WE had 
    picked out; #1. without the whining and complaining about everything 
    and #2. do it in 15 minutes (he dallys) he would get
    two stickers to put on his calendar - he would pick the stickers
    out and place them himself.
    
    And... if he did this for three consecutive days -  
    he would then get a surprize from a grab bag.
    I went out and bought little stuff - pencils, streamers for his bike,
    match box cars, anything for $1 or 2...then wrap it in odd pieces of
    wrapping paper and put a few in a bag so he could choose.  
    he would get so excited.  
    
    it took a couple weeks for it to catch on.  but he realized that if
    he was a little more cooperative in the morning - i would be too and
    he would end up with a surprize!   he couldn't wait to get his clothes
    on and put that sticker on the calendar.  After that caught on i 
    moved the big day to 5 consecutive days before getting a surprize.
    I have to add that on the days he didn't get a sticker - he wasn't
    punished - just reminded that now he had to begin all over again.
    
    I would guess i did this for about a year...and it helped considerably.
    We still have our moments in the mornings were he finds something wrong
    with his jeans, sneakers, etc. But it definately helped to alleviate 
    the morning stress we experienced.  
    
    The time i spend with him is too short to be wasted getting upset 
    trying to get us out of the house.  Kids know that too...he needed
    the reinforcement, that things didn't have to be so bad in the morning
    once we got over that - we both realized how wonderful it was to
    walk out of the house with smiles on our face - not tears in our eyes!
    
    Good Luck Kate!
    
    jane gallagher.    
    
    
    
                    

    The reward system needs to be constant and ever changing.
    
    At the adult level,a reward system might simply be a "nice job"
    from a supervisor.  At a young child's level the reward might be
    a pack of baseball cards, or - for an older child - a game with
    the parent.
    
    In one school I know of, for younger kids they get rewards for
    very basic things - like spelling their name right, and the
    reward is some small thing - perhaps a "gold star" or a baseball
    card.  As the kids get older the reward is given for more substantial
    achievements, like three 100's in a row on homework, and the reward
    itself becomes a more mature one - i.e. a homework pass.
    
    On weekends my 12 year old knows that once his room has been
    straightened out and he has the woodbin filled, her and I play
    a few games of basketball.  Last year for the same chores the
    reward was a trip to the local baseball card store when I went 
    shopping.
    
    In general, a reward system requires you to watch your child to
    find him/her doing "good" things and to then provide a reward, rather
    than watching your child to find him/her doing bad things and then
    providing punishment.
    

    that's exactly what I'm trying to do, .3 -- find ways to reward,
    not just punish.  I do my best to let annoying-but-not-really-harmful
    behavior go, and I realize that no self-respecting 3-year-old really
    *wants* his parents to go to work in the morning.  But work I must,
    and as .2 put it so beautifully, I would rather leave the house with
    smiles on our  
    faces than tears in our eyes!
    
    thanx to all who wrote, keep those cards and letters coming!
                   

    I've heard of a couple of good reward systems, used them some in our
    home.
    
    Make a chart listing all the daily things you'd like yuor son to
    perform on a daily basis.  Things like - pick up toy's, brush teeth,
    take dirty dishes to the sink, turn off TV when over, put dirty clothes
    in laundry, wash at end of day.  List them down the side of the page. 
    Across the top list the days of the week, then draw lines creating a
    chart.  Every time your son performs the desired behaviour both of you
    check off the box for that day, at the end of the day, you tally up
    whether he's been a great helper or not.  If he's been a great helper,
    give him a sticker to put at the tally for the day.
    
    Now for someone his age that may be all the incentive he needs.  A
    sticker!  As he gets older you may need to sweeten the deal a bit. 
    After he gets 25 stickers, he can go to the toy store and pick out a
    toy, or some other reward you think might be appropriate.  Just don't
    make it too far out timewise for his age, or he won't make the
    connection.   Or, you can make a money allowance connected with
    perfoming his chores when he's about 6 or 7.  Before that I don't think
    most kids understand the concept of money.
    
    Just one idea!
    

    Hmmmmmmmmmm ..... these ideas are all quite interesting, but if you've
    ever met my 3 year old, you'll know that there is no reward available
    that's going to make him ANY less stubborn about what he wants to do
    and exactly HOW he wants to do it.
    
    May I suggest a different approach?  Two things.  First, sit him down
    adn talk and explain that when he starts acting like a 'brat' (use your
    own word), that you don't like that behavior, and it makes you very
    angry, and that makes you sad.  Do this at a non-stressful (ha!) time.
    Talk to him a few times, and then when he IS acting like a brat say
    "James (get his attention) - THIS is the behavior that I don't like".
    That will help, but if you're expecting him to change, you need to be
    willing to change as well.  So, second, let HIM do all/most of the 
    things that he complains about.  Let HIM pick out his clothes under
    certain guidelines "You must get a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, sweatpants
    and sox and underwear (or a diaper)".  If he comes out with 2 of
    something and nothing of another, explain the difference and THEN go
    help him pick out the proper article (show him a pile of sweatshirts
    and say 'pick one').  It *REALLY* doesn't matter if he's wearing an
    orange and purple shirt with blue pants, and you'll all be a LOT less
    stressed that way.  You may need to do a little clothes re-arranging to
    be sure he doesn't come out with a tank top, but do that when he's not
    around.
    
    Another source of frustration is 'getting dressed'.  It would take
    Jason, by himself, about 2 hours to get dressed.  So, I let him try
    everything, and when he starts struggling, he'll give up and let me do
    it for him.  We both got our own way, it just takes a little longer. 
    Of course we get up early, so there's 1 1/2-2 hours before we have to
    leave - and we use EVERY minute!  A lot of times I'll change his diaper
    and then tell him to get dressed while I'm in the shower.  It gives him
    PLENTY of time to work with it, and I don't have to get frustrated
    watching.
    
    As far as food goes, I've retrained myself to ask the questions that
    are liable to set him off if I prepare something 'wrong'.  "Do you want
    your fishsticks cut up or whole?"  "do you want milk in your cereal, or
    dry?" "do you want syrup ON the French Toast, or in a puddle?"  I have
    food preferences - why can't he??  The rule here is making them live by
    their own decision, and we don't usually have a problem with that.  My
    husband tries to fight it ("I'm making his pancakes, and I'm going to
    cut them all up, and he's going to eat it!"), and they just end up
    butting heads all the time, Jason ends up going hungry and crying and
    Dan is ready to pull his hair out.  I don't think it's unreasonable for
    a child to want to have SOME say in what they eat and how.  
    
    Another secret, of which we engage in QUITE frequently, is to let them
    sleep in and wear sweats.  We change the kids into fresh clothes at
    night and then in the morning all there is to deal with is a dirty
    diaper.  They wear their sweats the next day, and then get changed that
    night.  Also fits in nice with baths.  Takes care of the 'getting dressed' 
    dilemma, as well as no shivers when they get undressed!  And sweats
    DON'T wrinkle, so no one will ever know!  He sleeps in clothes for his
    nap, right?  It's no different.
    
    Finally, give them lots of time, and let them know "what's coming
    next".  "Okay, after I brush my teeth, we're leaving, so if you want to
    bring anything, get it ready now".  It gives them a few minutes, and they
    know what's going to happen next so they can finish up what they're
    doing now.  If you can get into a routine (hahahahaha!!!) in the
    morning, certain ques might help him anticipate what will be going on
    next (Okay, Mommy's making breakfast, so I should go pick out my
    clothes).  
    
    None of this is to say that things are perfect at our house in the
    mornings, but they are CERTAINLY much better than they used to be. 
    Keep asking yourself "Does it *REALLY* matter?!?!?!?"  Because it
    obviously **REALLY** matters to James! (and Jason)
    
    And I honestly think that the reward system is a bit much for a barely
    3 year old to understand.  I think they'd be more concerned with why
    they DIDN'T get a sticker one day (and feel bad about themselves) then
    be able to REALLY understand what it is to 'deserve' a sticker for
    doing something right.  My opinion, based on my barely-3 year old.
    
    GOOD LUCK!!
    Patty

Much of the time our "rewards" are in terms of privileges rather than 
actual handouts -- getting to spend 10 minutes extra downstairs with us
before going to bed, for instance, or getting to stop at the pet store
after running errands at the grocery store.  We explain it that in a 
family, everybody has to help everybody else out as best they can, and
if you can't do your share, nobody else is going to go out of their
way to help you, but if you do your share, we'll feel more like helping
you.  

The oldest has this one down to a science.  If I come home from work and
find the cat's box has been changed, the cats' food dishes have been 
scrubbed, the garbage is taken out, the dishes are all done, the floor
has been swept, and the coats are all hung up in the closet, I know
that the first thing she's going to ask is, "Can I have the car tonight?"

--bonnie

    My sister has a different twist on the reward system than has been
    mentioned..
    
    She is trying to get here 6 (maybe 7 by now) year old to stop sucking
    her thumb.  So, at the start of each day, she gives her daughter 10
    pennies.  Any time during the day that she is caught sucking her thumb,
    she has to give back 1 penny.  She never gave up more than 2-3 pennies
    in a day, and from the 3rd day on, she was going multiple days without
    giving any up.  Not only is she happy to have some extra money, but she
    has been very proud of maintaining a good record..
    
    cheers,
    jeff
    

re: .8

Hmmmmmm.

See "The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habit" -- only difference from .8 is 
that the "bad habit" is that sister bear chews her nails.

Clay

    Oh well, I guess it was not an original idea...  
    
    It still worked pretty well!
    
    cheers,
    jeff
    

    I'd like to offer what we have gleaned, with some guidance from two
    pyscological experts; we are dealing with a psycologist who deals in
    toileting problems, and another who deals in ADHD(attention
    deficit&hyperactivity)  We have used, since AJ was 3.5 a large
    callendar, the ones for the desk blotters.  We let him put a sticker on
    it each time he goes to the toilet willingly and *before* having an
    "accident".  They also suggested using money, pennies are fine for a 3
    or 4 year old, to put in a special place each time he toilets well. 
    Later we take the pennies and buy something special.  (Of course we
    supliment the pennies, after all it would take so many pennies to buy
    something of value)  A friend of ours used to give her son quarters to
    be used in the mechanical horse outside of Kmart this was a once a week
    treat.  She termed it "costly but worth it".
    
    The ADHD psycologist suggested something similar to the metho in the
    Bernstein Bear.  Give the child poker chips, and take them away for
    bad behavior, take a second color and make this a "bonus" for doing
    something extra special. i.e. sitting still while grownups talk,
    putting your own dishes in the sink.  I have the literature on using
    this method, and would be willing to copy and share this with anyone
    interested.
    
    I also found that Hallmark Cards makes a callendar sticker chart,
    several editions each geared towards a specific age bracket; 3to4,5 to
    7, 8 to something etc.  You give stickers for specific tasks, making a
    bed, putting away your toys in the toybox and so on.  It seems to work
    in much the same way as my method of stickers on the callendar blotter. 
    We also see his daycare giving stickers for good behavior, they're put
    right on his shirt, for such things as going to sleep during naptime,
    not having any toileting accidents, not talking back etc.  
    
    There's something magic in stickers, they are about the best reward (do
    we dare say *bribe*?) for getting cooperation from our children!
    
    Lyn