Conference moira::parenting_v3

    It's part of being 3 ..... just try to go with it - sooner or later
    he'll snap out of it.  He's trying out his abilities to control the
    world around him - be glad he wants to be independent!
    
    
    It's as much a stage for you as it is for him ....

    Sounds like you're employing a good strategy with the choices.  In
    addition you may want to try "Beat the Timer" game.  You set the time
    for a certain amount of time for a particular task (e.g. 10 minutes to
    get dressed) and reward James if the task is completed before the timer
    rings.  Some kids get a real kick out of the game and it helps diffuse
    the tension that can build up when one is trying to get out in the AM.  
    
    Otherwise...he's a perfectly normal almost 3 year old.  He's
    challenging just about *everything*, huh?  Sounds like my daughter.  I
    just used to wear me down trying to deal with her challenges to routine
    events.  (I was pregnant at the time, too.)  At 3.5 she's better.  
    
    Good luck with James and the Coming Event!
    LZP
    

    Are you sure you're not in my house in the morning?? My almost 4 is the
    same way.  Tantrums over missing the last commercial on Inspector
    Gadget before bath!  Tantrums over going to Daycare and tantrums over
    coming home!  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel - at least
    she isn't throwing herself on the floor anymore, at least the tantrums
    have some time in between them, at least she can now calm herself down
    in her room and come out bright and sunny. Don't let him wear you down
    and make sure he knows where the lines are drawn.  IT'S OK TO PUNISH
    THEM WHEN THEY DON"T FOLLOW THE RULES YOU NEED!!!  Molly knows that
    when she has been bad in daycare during the day, there is no TV at
    night, she knows that she will be sent to her room for a time out
    (in fact often goes by herself now!).  Slowly but surely they adapt.
    But they do need to test.                              

    Well, I look at this all a bit differently, I think....
    
    When a child does what James is doing (and all kids do it to various
    degrees, and at different times), he is trying to find out who is in
    control of the situation. And, for the most part, he wants to find out
    that you are. It is a major part of a child's security, to know that
    there is a big strong adult who is in charge. Does this mean he should
    have no choices? Of course not! But there are some choices which a not
    quite 3 yr. old should not have the power to make! Like whether or not
    they get dressed in the morning. What they wear (to a reasonable
    degree)...yes. Whether to put on pants or shirt first...yes. But
    whether or not to actually *get* dressed?...NO! And you need to make it
    clear that he *will* get dressed, or he *will* be disciplined, and then
    carry through. Very hard for a short time, but *much* easier in teh
    long run.
    
    For our kids, another example is bedtime. There is not arguing. When it
    is bedtime, it *is* bedtime, and (by now) they know it. Rarely do they
    argue, and when they do it's halfhearted. But they do get choices.
    Which pajamas do you want to wear? Which story do you want read? Which
    animals do you want tucked in with you? 
    
    As they mature, they get more and more of the control, but at not quite
    three, mom & dad still hold those reins pretty tightly, and they earn
    the freedom that they get. They will test, and they will try you, but
    if you're firm now, it'll be so much easier later!
    
    --dave--

    The basenote confused me a bit.  What do you mean when you say your son
    refused to get dressed?  Certainly he's not old enough at 3 to dress
    himself (?) so do you mean he puts up a struggle when you try to dress,
    bathe, feed him?
    
    I can remember many a struggle dressing my sons in the morning.  In
    fact we still struggle.  I have actually wrestled him to the bed to put
    on his clothes after wrestling with him to get off his PJs.  Bath time? 
    I fill up the tub, help them off with their clothes and into the tub
    they go, no questions asked, no alternatives offered.  If they protest
    too bad, it's only a bath, you can be in and out in a jiffy if you
    want.  If you want to play, fine, play for ten minutes.  As for eating,
    if they don't want to eat, they must sit at the table anyway while the
    rest of us eat (and NO toys at the table please! Our most often heard
    refrain)
    
    I go along with the last noter.  Self control is the issue here. 
    Children learn it as they mature.  Don't offer too many choices at this
    age, don't be too lenient in laying down the law firmly.
    
    Mornings are very stressful in our house, with four kids to dress beds
    to be made, teeth to be brushed, breakfast to be eaten.  Kids can be
    expected to perform things like this unassisted at the age of 5 or 6,
    in my experience.  Before that they need a LOT of assistance.  From
    actually doing it for them, to pushing and prodding, to simple
    reminding.  At 3, you're at the do it for them stage.  My one son, 4
    1/2 is at the active pushing and prodding stage.  If I'm not there
    handing him his shirt to put on, telling him to get dressed NOW, he'd
    never move from bed. :-)  That's his age, temperament, and stage of
    independence he's at.
    
    Keep the faith, your son sounds pretty normal to me!
    

    I agree with .5.  And the other part of me says, pick your battles
    carefully.  Your basenote sounds frustrated and pissed off - and I
    don't argue your right to feel that way.  For me, though, the whole
    issue gets out of hand when I get angry that my son isn't doing what I
    want at a  particular time.  Your comment about being brought up to
    believe that you don't go out of the house in your pjs may be very
    telling for you, that this is indeed a battle you intend to win...
    
    For me, it's sometimes freeing to realize that my frustration has made
    it a bigger issue than it may really be.  I'm not suggesting that that
    is true for you - only suggesting that the anger/frustration is often
    separate from the issue.
    
    Hope this is clear enough.
    best of luck,
    

Unfortunately, battles of will just happen periodically with kids this age. 
Sounds like they might be a little frequent with your son right now, though. 

It might help to give in on one front in order to win on the other.  
I don't mean necessarily a direct trade, since 3 is probably a little
young to understand that, but picking out the things you insist
have to be done (like getting dressed) and letting other things slide
(do you care if the beds are made?  I don't.)  That might make a little
more time and a little less pressured environment for the kid. 

He might be reacting to the impending sibling.  If he's afraid of
losing his position in the family, he might be being extra obstinate 
to force you to remember he's there.  He might also be picking up that
because of your pregnancy, you're less patient than usual.

You might also need to look at what matters to YOU.  David's sitter 
watches another boy David's age who always comes in his pajamas.  The 
sitter gets him dressed, feeds him, etc.  I think he's even got a 
toothbrush there.  Is it YOU who is bothered by the pajamas bit, or 
is it what you're afraid the neighbors will think of a mother who
isn't supermom and depends on the sitter to do this supposedly basic
task of motherhood?  I don't know the answer and you don't need to
answer it here; I'm just suggesting that sometimes when we get locked
into these control battles with a stubborn 3-year-old, it can be easy to
get so fixed on a particular item, like getting dressed or eating supper,
that we forget that the goal is to raise a healthy, happy, kid who will
grow into a healthy, happy, functioning adult. 

You don't have to do everything.  If someone else can take over part 
of the load, let them.  

--bonnie