Conference moira::parenting_v3

    2 suggestions;
    
    1st -- tell her there ARE no such things as monsters that grown ups
    make them up to scare little kids because some grown ups think it's
    funny when a kid is scared (this worked QUITE well for my two).
    
    2nd -- 'Invent' something that the monsters are 'afraid' of (??).
    Maybe leave a radio on softly and tell her that even if there WERE
    monsters, they wouldn't like 'nice' things like music or whatever.
    
    We really prefer approach number 1 because the kids are also quite
    aware that there are 'bad' people in the world, and it makes sense to
    them that these bad people might want to scare them (I also have a
    brother who enjoys spooking them, so that helps).  If she's old enough
    to understand, ask her what SHE thinks would make them stop/go away.
    
    Another possibility is that she has a hearing problem.  There are some
    people (and this is most pronounced with Autistic children) that have
    an irregular hearing pattern.  Some noises that are quite normal to us,
    they can't hear, and other sounds (this is key) that we cannot hear AT
    ALL, they hear loudly.  There are documented cases of this.  The one
    that sticks out clearly is a girl who could hear water at deafening
    tones, and when within a few blocks of a running sewer grate, she'd go
    nuts.  Fortunately, it's fairly easily correctable.  She may be able to
    hear water in the pipes ??  The wind outside ??  The lightbulb in her
    nightlight humming ??  Her brother snoring ?? Ask her what they sound 
    like, or if she can tell which way they're coming from (have her point, 
    you go towards it).   Also, if she can talk about what they look like
    and/or sound like, you may be able to get a handle on what she's really
    afraid of (the monsters may be masking something real).
    
    I hope some of this will help her .... it's no fun at all to be scared!
    
    

    I'll second the suggestion about the hearing problem.  My sister
    is extremely sensitive to high-pitched, high-frequency noises --
    no kidding, she's as bad as a dog.  She can hear her clock radio
    make noise at night.  Scared the daylights out of her till I told
    her to switch to an alarm clock.  Incidentally, she's in her early
    30s....
    
    I would definitely have your daughter's hearing checked, maybe
    earplugs or something like that would help.
    
    Also, you may want to buy a can of compressed air or air freshener
    and cover it with paper on which you write, "MONSTER REPELLENT."
    Then have her spray it around the room before she goes to bed.
    Another sister of mine did this with her boys (who at the time
    were a good deal younger than your daughter), and it worked well.
    
    Good luck, I feel bad for both of you!

It's quite normal for a 5-year-old to be afraid of monsters.  Hearing
them is a little unusual and I would suspect that probably means she
has more sensitive hearing in some ranges, or all ranges -- which can be 
a problem or an advantage, depending on how you look at it.  More likely 
she simply pays more attention to what she hears than most people do. 

Steven has sensitive hearing, and what really frightens him isn't the 
sound itself but the fact that he can't identify it.  What has helped
him is sitting in the room with him in the dark (well, the dimness, since
he uses 2 nightlights) and telling him what the sounds were -- water 
running in the pipes because the dishwasher was on downstairs, a train
going by on the railroad tracks a mile away, and a dog barking down the
street, for instance.

Apparently at this age children get quite disoriented by the darkness and
don't recognize things that are perfectly comprehensible in the daylight.
Usually this shows up as thinking a chair is a leaping monster, or something,
but it appears that a sound-oriented child loses track of sounds in a 
similar way. 

--bonnie

    My wife had unusually sensitive hearing as a child (as an adult, it
    has...I would guess normally....diminished to usual levels). She would
    walk into a store with her mom, and instantly know if they had an
    escalator or not....it made a particular noese (sort of a whine) she
    could hear). she also recalls, as a young teenager, having a *very* bad
    head cold which led to ear and sinus infections. This, in conjunction
    with the medication they gave her, which left her feeling sort of
    spacey and "detached", caused her to be totally unable to recognize
    common noises. She said it was a very frightening feeling to hear a
    telephone, doorbell, oven buzzer, dryer running, etc., and have no idea
    whatsoever what it was! It was as if everything suddenly changed
    overnite, and she said it was just horrible to have to constantly ask,
    "what is that?", and then have to try and remember, so that sound
    didn't scare her again. 
    
    Has she had a cold or is she on medication? It may be a shot in the
    dark, but who knows? My wife swears this was *awful* and she was old
    enough to be rational and understanding, which your 5 yr. old may not
    be able to do yet.
    
    --dave--

    re: .4 - yes she did have a cold last week - perhaps this was the
    culprit.  We have identified the "things that go bump in the night"
    i.e. water running in the pipes, etc.  She has been better over the
    weekend and seems more tolerant of sleeping in her own bed.  I also
    thought of getting Teddy Ruxpin out to sing some songs.  This has
    pleased her and I now wonder why it took me so long to think of him.
    I put him on the dresser and this seems to do a fine job of distracting
    her from those darn monsters.
    
    Thanks for your suggestions and I will post and major changes here.
    

    I agree with the suggestion on getting a spray can of something, or
    even just a plant mister and labeling it "Monster Repelant".  I read
    that several years ago in Parents as a tried and true method.  Now if
    it isn't a cold or ear problem, I'd question what is causing these
    fears to start now, she's 5 right?  I was always under the impression 
    that monster fears would start around 2.5 or 3.
    
    
    In our situation, recently AJ has been running out of site when we're
    in a store.  I decided the other night to try and reason with him and
    explain that I need him to stay within my site at all times, because
    there are sometimes "bad people" who may try to take him away, or might
    try to hurt him.  I thought it had worked since he's been really well
    behaved in the stores since then.  But....and here it comes, I asked
    him to go to the cellar and get something from the shelf at the bottom
    of the stairs, he refused saying that there were "bad people" down
    there who might hurt him, and insisted that he would only go down if
    day went with him, and held his hand.
    
    HELP!! What kind of *monster* have I created???
    
    Lyn

    That last line should have read he would only go if DAD went with him.
    
    Sorry!
    

Lyn,

There's a Berenstain Bear book about "strangers" which is (in my opinion)
one of the best of the series.  Sister Bear freaks out after her father
over-scares her about the dangers of strangers, and then the message is
moderated (by Mama, as usual, but that's another topic) till she gets an
appropriate caution in her little bear life.

Check it out.  It has one great picture of how sinister the world can look to
a scared kid (or anyone).

Jane

    I've found the book _What to Do when Your Child is Afraid_ to be
    very helpful.  It discusses the characteristic fears at various
    ages, what the source is, tactics for dealing with them (and
    helping the child learn how to deal with them) and how to tell a
    normal from an abnormal fear.  
    
    Many fears return at various stages of development, and I think
    monsters was one of them.  
    
    --bonnie