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| Title: | Parenting |
| Notice: | READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING |
| Moderator: | CSC32::DUBOIS |
|
| Created: | Wed May 30 1990 |
| Last Modified: | Tue May 27 1997 |
| Last Successful Update: | Fri Jun 06 1997 |
| Number of topics: | 1364 |
| Total number of notes: | 23848 |
665.0. "humorous quotations" by CSSE32::RANDALL (Pray for peace) Tue Jan 29 1991 14:32
[forwarding removed]
From: LESLIE::LESLIE "Andy Leslie, CSSE. RE02 F/C3, 830 6723 29-Jan-1991
1008" 29-JAN-1991 05:22:02.68
To: @DIST$DIR:SCREEN_GIANTS
CC: LESLIE
Subj: Dave Barry: SNEAKER PLAGUE THREATENS U.S.
SNEAKER PLAGUE THREATENS U.S.
DAVE BARRY
You want to know what's wrong with America? I'll tell you what's
wrong: Too many kinds of sneakers.
This problem was driven home to me dramatically when my 10-year-old
son decided to join a track club. At first I was in favor of this,
because I was a track man myself back at Pleasantville High School,
where in 1965 -- and I hope I do not sound too boastful here -- I set a
New York state record for Shortest Time On A Track Team Before
Quitting.
My original goal was to obtain a Varsity Letter. I needed one
because at the time I was madly in love with Ann Weinberg, who would
have been the ideal woman except for one serious flaw: She was an
excellent athlete. On an average afternoon she would win the state
championship in about nine sports. When we had the annual school awards
assembly, various teams would troop on and off the auditorium stage,
but Ann would just remain up there, getting honored, until all you
could see was a large, Ann-shaped mound of trophies.
This caused painful feelings of inadequacy in me, a small,
chestless, insecure male whose only recognized high-school athletic
achievement was the time when, through an amazing physical effort, I
managed to avoid ralphing directly onto the shoes of the principal as
he was throwing me out of a pep rally dance for attempting to sleep
under the refreshments table. Unfortunately this is not the kind of
achievement for which you get a Varsity Letter.
So in a desperation effort to impress Ann, I joined the track team.
This meant I had to go into the locker room with large hairy jocks who
appeared way too old for high school. I bet you knew guys like that. At
the time I thought that they had simply matured faster than I had, but
I now realize that they were actually 40-year-old guys who chose to
remain in high school for an extra couple of decades because they
enjoyed snapping towels at guys like me. They are probably still there.
I was under the impression that all you had to do, to obtain your
Varsity Letter, was spend a certain amount of time in the locker room,
but it turned out that they had a picky rule under which you also had
to run or jump or hurl certain objects in an athletic manner, which in
my case was out of the question, so I quit.
However, during my brief time on the team I did learn some
important lessons that have stayed with me throughout life, the main
one being that if you are on the track-team bus, and the coach comes
striding down the aisle and demands to know which team member hurled
the ``moon'' -- which is NOT one of the approved objects that you hurl
in track -- out the bus window at the police officer who is now
threatening to arrest the entire team, you should deny that you saw
anything, because it's better to go to jail than to betray the sacred
trust of your teammates and consequently be forced to eat a discus.
So I was glad that my son became interested in this character-
building sport, until he announced that he needed new sneakers. This
troubled me, because he already HAD new sneakers, which cost
approximately as much as an assault helicopter but are more
technologically advanced. They are the heavily advertised sneakers that
have little air pumps inside. This feature provides an important
orthopedic benefit: it allows the manufacturer to jack the price way
up. Also it turns the act of walking around into a highly complex
process. ``Wait!'' my son will say, as we're rushing off to school,
late as usual. ``I have to pump more air into my sneakers!'' Because
God forbid you should go to school underinflated.
So I figured that high-powered sneakers like these would be fine
for track, but both my wife and my son gently informed me that I am a
total idiot. It turns out you don't RUN in pump sneakers. What you do,
in pump sneakers, is pump your sneakers. For running, you need a
completely DIFFERENT KIND of sneakers, for which you have to pay a
completely different set of U.S. dollars.
Not only that, but the sneaker salesperson informed me that,
depending on the kind of running my son was going to do, he might need
SEVERAL KINDS of sneakers. The salesperson's tone of voice carried the
clear implication that he was going to call the Child Abuse Hot Line if
I didn't care enough, as a parent, to take out a second mortgage so I
could purchase sufficient sneakerage for my son.
I have done a detailed scientific survey of several other parents,
and my current estimate is that sneakers now absorb 83 percent of the
average U.S. family income. This has to stop. We need Congress to pass
a law requiring the sneaker industry to return to the system we had
when I was growing up, under which there was only one kind of sneakers,
namely U.S. Keds, which were made from Army surplus tents and which
cost about $10, or roughly $1 per pound.
This simple act would make our nation strong again. Slow, but
strong. Probably your reaction is, ``Dave, that's an excellent idea,
and you should receive, at minimum, the Nobel Prize.'' Thank you, but
as an American, I am not in this because I seek fame and glory. All I
seek, as an American, is a Varsity Letter.
(C) 1991 THE MIAMI HERALD
DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 665.1 | insidious | CSSE32::RANDALL | Pray for peace | Tue Jan 29 1991 14:34 | 6 |
| I had recently noticed this plague myself, as I was holding a sneaker for
tennis in my right hand, a sneaker for running in my left hand, and looking
at a pair of general everyday sneakers on the floor, and telling Neil,
"I don't have any shoes to wear on a walk."
--bonnie
|
| 665.2 | Sigh | MAMTS3::MWANNEMACHER | let us pray to Him | Tue Jan 29 1991 15:07 | 9 |
| The last pair of sneakers I bought for myself were on clearance at
?-MART and cost be $1.00. They don't tie, they have velcro. I just
realised that I'm turning into my father.:')
Here's one vote for school dress codes.
Peace,
Mike
|
| 665.3 | Imelda Marcos was ahead of her time | POWDML::SATOW | | Tue Jan 29 1991 16:30 | 8 |
| re: .1
> "I don't have any shoes to wear on a walk."
You've never heard of walking shoes? In fact Avia even has a model called
"Mall Walkers".
Clay
|
| 665.4 | Mill Walkers! | MLCSSE::LANDRY | just passen' by...and goin' nowhere | Tue Jan 29 1991 16:43 | 12 |
|
Ah, yes, but you can only wear "Mall Walkers" in the Malls!!! You need
to get another kind of walking sneakers (like Nike walking sneakers) to
walk outside.
What I need are sneakers to walk my dog...
Hey! I just thought of something... I wonder if you can modify the
"Mall Walkers" into "Mill Walkers" for us folks here in Maynard!!!
jean
|
| 665.5 | not to mention Nike Street Hikers
| CSSE32::RANDALL | Pray for peace | Tue Jan 29 1991 17:57 | 6 |
| re: .3
Yes, I've heard of them. That's how I knew I couldn't go walking without
them! :)
--bonnie
|
| 665.6 | Try hand me ups? | CSC32::M_EVANS | | Tue Jan 29 1991 19:24 | 8 |
| Bonnie,
Depending on matching sizes, I just wear the cross trainers Lolita has
blown out from running cross country. They have enough bounce for
walking and good support for me. I just hope her feet stop growing
before her shoes get to be too big for me.
Meg
|
| 665.7 | Kids Talk About Love | WONDER::MAKRIANIS | Patty | Thu Nov 21 1991 17:22 | 101 |
|
My secretary just gave this to me and I just had to type it in for the
Paranting community. I laughed through the whole thing.
Patty
Kids Talk About LOVE by David Heller
Reprinted without permission from Cosmopolitan (Don't know which issue)
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have
to give her back to her parents!"
-Eric, 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might
propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for
a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get
divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'
Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is
and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find
out."
-Anita, 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and
tails means you try the next one."
-Kally, 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's
what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall
and handsome."
-Carolyn, 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to
work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving
each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find
me a wife!"
-Bert, 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then
they went for a drive, but their car broke down....
It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to
find out about their values."
-Lottie, 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.
They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date."
-Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and
talk about love."
-Craig, 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough
bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody
sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome
boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
"You should as the people who read Cosmopolitan!"
-Kirsten, 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Anita, 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm
just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, 7
|
| 665.8 | Humor - A Mother's Dictionary | APACHE::MAZZUCOTELLI | | Mon Nov 25 1991 10:38 | 83 |
|
This was circulating in mail and I thought others might like it...
MOTHER'S DICTIONARY:
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am
too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children ply outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are
wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them
right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the
time you scream it
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what your do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket
aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to
not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you
out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a
sponge."
|
| 665.9 | Monday Cheer | CAPITN::TOWERS_MI | | Mon Nov 25 1991 13:29 | 6 |
| Marvelous. Made my mundane Monday morning brighter.
Thanks
Michelle
|