Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Getting Steven to bed last night was interesting.  "But what if
    Becki's brother gets killed?"
    
    We opted for bluntness.  We said he might, people do get killed in
    wars, and there's no way to tell who it would be.  We told him
    that he was right to be upset and sad, because war is a terrible
    thing and we were upset and sad, too.  We told him we just had to
    be brave and carry on.
    
    --bonnie

    The evening news last night (prior to the BIG announcement) had a child
    psychologist on to discuss how to deal with this with your kids. His
    basic message was let the kids come to you with questions, and keep
    your answers simple, on a child=like level that they can understand. 
    

    Starting yesterday, I heard that Fred Rogers was going to be spending
    several days on his show dealing with this very subject but it may be
    geared towards the pre-school set.  I know my step-son (9.5) will have
    a lot of questions this weekend and frankly, I don't quite know what
    to say to him.  It's difficult for me to answer his questions when I
    don't really understand all of it myself.
    
    - K
    

    Back in September sometime my son asked a few questions.  I explained
    that Kuwait was a little country that was taken over by a bigger
    country.  That little country wanted their freedom back, so a bunch of
    other countries decided to help the little country.
    
    Now that war has started, he asked me if if the boys at war were his
    age.  I told him they were bigger - around "so-so's" age.  I told him
    some were daddys, brothers, sisters, mothers, sons and daughters.  All
    of them were loved and missed and that we should pray for their safe
    return.  He knows they are using real guns and bullets and that some
    will die, but knowing htat he has not experienced "death" in any close
    family member, he really doesn't understand the full impact.
    
    -sandy
    

    Today's Boston Globe, Living Arts section, also has an article on this
    topic, which reinforces a lot of what I mentioned in my earlier reply -
    keep it simple and at a child's level. For younger children, wait til
    they come to you with specific questions, and then examine the question
    - often they may be asking whether the airplane they see in the sky
    will drop bombs, but the question might come out in a different way...
    
    The article also encourages the parent to think about their own beliefs
    etc. before the child asks you = prepare yourself, I guess. It also
    suggests that you avoid statements like "Iraqis are bad people" and
    instead encourage older children to think about how the Iraqi people
    must be scared, etc.
    
    And finally, the article suggests that children be given something to
    do, since that often helps. Activities such as writing to the president
    can often help them vent their fears. Or, if you're an activist,
    include them in your protest activities, within reason. 
    

    Our oldest, Josh, who is 5 yrs and 5 mos., had not idea about what was
    going on in the mid-east till this morning. We never have TV news on
    when he is up, but my wife did have it on this morning. That, in
    itself, prompted him to be interested. He heard the word "war" several
    times and heard bombs mentioned. He simply asked, "is there a war?" My
    eife said yes there was. "Are they using bombs?", yes, they are. "Why?"
    She told him that one big country took over a small country that did
    not belong to them (he can relate to taking something that doesn't
    belong to someone else...happens all the time with sibling's toys!),
    and were not being nice to the little country. She said our country and
    many others tried to make him leave without a war, but the big country
    wouldn't, and that is why we were having a war...to make the big
    country leave the little one alone. He asked if the big country was
    bad. She said, no, they were people just like in our country, and some
    did bad things, but many more were probably very good people, who were
    just doing what there president told them to. She told him we should
    pray for both the soldiers from our country, *and* the soldiers and
    people in the big country. That seemed to satisfy him completely. Don;t
    know if he'll have more questions later (he often mulls things over for
    up to a month, and then asks more specific and often very insightful
    questions.), but hopefully we can keep the answers that simple and
    matter of fact. Our 3.5 yr. old was in the same room and never even
    noticed what was going on....I believe it was way over her head, at
    this point, because she *will* ask immediately if she doesn't
    understand something.
    
    --dave--

    James (2.75 and *very* bright) knew something was up the other night.
    He had a really hard time settling to sleep, and was up early again
    the next morning.  I explained to him that there was a war, but that
    our country, our family, and our neighborhood were safe, and that
    nothing
    was going to happen to either Daddy or me.  I also said that if he
    knew a little Iraqi boy or girl, he'd proabbly play with him the same
    way he plays with Kevin and Ryan and Joshua (daycare buddies).  And
    that if he felt nervous or upset or concerned about anything, he should
    talk to Daddy and me, and we'd answer his questions as best we could.
    
    Don't know if the doctors would agree, but it seemed to satisfy the
    little buckaroo!
    
    Kate

One question we got was "Can they send missiles at us?"  So, out comes the
globe ... a VERY useful tool in this regard.  I explained that the range
of the missiles that were being used was about 150 miles and showed that
distance on the globe, then showed here where we live and where all this
is happening.  1/3 of the way round the world on a globe is impressive
and very reassuring!

Stuart

    I certainly don't mean to rathole this. Honestly. But I believe for 
    many reasons that we shouldn't be at war. I think that's why it's so
    hard for me to explain it to my 5 year old. I want to explain to him
    the horror of war. I want him to understand this truth but I don't want
    to scare him. I don't want to teach him to 'glory' of war because I
    don't think there is any. 
    
    Anyone else having this problem?
    
    
    Kate

>    I certainly don't mean to rathole this. Honestly. But I believe for 
>    many reasons that we shouldn't be at war. I think that's why it's so
>    hard for me to explain it to my 5 year old.


Yep, it can be hard to explain something you don't believe in, even to another
adult.


>    I want to explain to him
>    the horror of war. I want him to understand this truth but I don't want
>    to scare him. I don't want to teach him to 'glory' of war because I
>    don't think there is any. 

Seems to me that the only one talking about the 'glory' of war is SH.  I would
explain that war is bad because people die as a result.  If he asks why we
are in this particular war, I suggest you refer him to his other parent or
adult he trusts, if you feel you can't explain why we are in this war.

Bob

    Kate,

Where exactly is the problem?  Have you already started explaining this to
your son and he doesn't understand something?  What specific questions has
he asked you that you don't feel you have a sufficient answer for yet?
Perhaps if I knew exactly where the problem was coming up, I might be able
to help with some kind of response.

      Carol

Mr. Rogers has had some 15 second spots on PBS saying something like
"In this time [of war, or something like that] the least and the best
we can do for our children is to let them know that they are safe".

I thought that they said that his show today would talk about war, but
the part I watched was the regular show.  Maybe they substituted a part
at the end?  

I have been starting to see this as another opportunity to discuss
values and important ideals with our children.

My kids are the same age at Dave's (.6) with the same range of
understanding.  Kathleen (3+) is oblivious and Sally (5+) really
surprises me with how much she "gets".  I've been talking to her
quite a bit about what's going on, and I feel like we've hit alot of
topics.

I'm always amazed at how much children's comprehension evolves: Sally
told me the other day, about Iraq, that "they think that we're the bad
guys and they're the good guys".  She has also asked us what they
look like, and we told her that they looked very much like her and
the people she knows.

We've also had a chance to talk about the idea that different families
decide to talk to discuss different topics with their kids.  I told 
her that she may know more about what's going on than Rachel, whose
grandfather is in Saudi Arabia, but it was up to Rachel's parents to
decide what to tell her.  I reminded her that, although she knows some
facts about getting babies out, for example, this is another topic for
each family to discuss with their own kids.  I thought that this might
be over her head, but worth a shot.  She has since informed us that
"Rachel's parents DID decide to discuss the war with her" so I guess
it's an open topic now.  

We've talked about how people in her own family have very different
views of war - Grandaddy was at Pearl Harbor and Grandma Sara was (is)
a peace activist who participated in protest marches, and they believe
different things. (two sides of the family)

We've talked very little about Israel and how some people hate Jewish
people, even though they don't know them.  This is something that will
have to wait until she's older, for the most part.

To Kate (.9): You could tell your son some reasons for being in this 
war and why you disagree with those reasons.  You know your son the
best, so you could judge how much you could tell him about the horror
of war and still balance it against the safety of the distance from
him.  At 5, Sally tells me that she isn't scared because it the war
"isn't here".  Other 5-year-olds and/or kids who are hearing scary
stories and school might not find comfort in the distance, without
additional help.  

No matter how you feel about this (or any) war, this is a great 
opportunity for your child to learn how this country works: how we
are free to speak our minds on any topic and how we have people who
represent us and that we can call or write to them - we can even
call the White House!  I think it's great for kids to learn that
everyone has different opinions about everything.  At the same time,
we have no obligation to stay neutral as parents: this is the time that
we load them up with our beliefs and values.

            REPEAT   ***   REPEAT   ***   REPEAT   ***   REPEAT   
	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

		Answering Children's Questions About War


	WHEN:  	Friday, January 25th 
		
			12 Noon - 1 PM

	WHERE:  Whitehead Conf. Room  (ZKO3-1)

	FACILITATOR:  Noreen Kavanaugh, LCSW
	* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

        Since the War in the Gulf has been brought into our livingrooms,
        our children are bombarded with this information.  What are their
        perceptions?  What are their questions?  How can we support them,
        be honest and not create more fear.  

	Children of all ages have questions and fears about the war.  Let's 
	examine some of these questions together and help each other find
	ways to support our children as well as each other in these trying 
	times.

	If you have any questions, please call the EAP at 1-2884 or Louise 
	Wilkins at 1-2796.

    Heard this on the news this morning, some of you might find this
    helpful...
    
    ABC has a 90-minute "kids call-in" show scheduled this Saturday,
    10:30 EST, 7:30 PST, for kids who have questions about the war 
    and what's going on in the Gulf.  (this is channel 5 in Boston)
    
    I don't know any more about it, you could check your local tv listing
    for more information.
    
    Conni