Conference moira::parenting_v3

    
    I suspect that the answers to this question will vary widely and
    perhaps by religion.   
    
    I believe that the traditional role of the godparents is to provide a
    spiritual role model for the child and/or to have a special trusting
    relationship with the child.   It seems that the role has come to mean
    "two people for whom the child can count on for extra treats and
    presents"!
    
    Legal guardians are those individuals that you would select to care
    for your child should you die or otherwise become unable to care for 
    him/her.  This should be spelled out in your will.   You *might* select 
    the godparents for this duty but you might not.    Personally, I
    wouldn't want to lock the guardian selection into these two people since  
    chances are the people you select for guardians might change over the 
    course of the child's lifetime.
    
    Just my humble opinion,
    Carol
    

MRDATA::PARENTING_V2 , topic 472

    Being a godparent, of itself, gives no legal rights of guardianship
    in the event of the death of the parents.  Unless spelled out
    specifically in a will, it will be the closest kin willing and
    able.  In the event of disputes, the courts will make the decision
    rather like divorce custody.
    
    A godparent is generally someone who will help to oversee the
    spiritual upbringing of the child, and therefore many faiths will
    allow any reasonable number of grandparents ... our daughters have
    4 each ... usually 2 family, and 2 other.  To be honest, we, like
    many others, see the role as a way of honouring people special to us
    as a family.  By many faiths, the term godparent has been replaced
    by sponsor, which probably gives a more accurate description of how
    the churches now view the role.  The intention is to ensure that
    the bringing of a child to be Christened is taken more seriously
    and not just as a social norm or social event.
    
    Speak to your minister about the Christening.  You may be surprised.
    Many churches and ministers today are requiring a more active
    participation in church life by the parents, and in some, even by
    the sponsors.  Your minister will describe to you your own church's
    requirements of both you and the sponsors, and the role of the
    sponsors, which will give you the guidelines about who you feel
    comfortable choosing.
    
    Stuart

    When we were chosen as Godparent's for my husband's niece, we were also
    given a 'package' of information that described our responsibilities. 
    In summary, we were responsible for ensuring a Religious upbringing for
    her.
    
    This gave us NO legal rights in of itself.  Also, if you die and you
    have not named a legal guardian, your children become wards of the
    state.  They MAY choose to assign them to a relative/someone, but they
    don't have to.  
    
    Check with your local parish ....

    Well, I didn't realize that if we were to die, that the child(ren)
    would end up in the state's hands!  I always knew that Godparents were
    to help ensure religious upbringing etc (which is the reason why my
    brother wasn't the first choice, he's not really religious at all and
    we are).  However we WOULD like our children to be w/family should
    something happen to us during his/hers/their childhood.  Seeing that I
    only have one brother and my husbands family is on the West coast (and
    not married) it makes for a difficult decision.  I would very much like
    to ask my best friend (who was the maid of Honor for our wedding) but
    she's not married either.  Should this matter since they do not get
    custody anyway?  But then I have to find a suitable Godfather if that
    was the case?  HHhhmmm, something to think about I guess.
    
    Mel  :^)
    
    PS:  When should we ask these people to be the Godparents?

    Re .5
    
    Why does being married have anything to do with being godparents?  I
    know that my brother-in-law and his wife believe that godparents should
    be married to each other, but my argument with that has always been
    that you can't guarantee that those people will stay married.  In my
    case, my brother and his wife were my godparents, and now that they are
    divorced, that sort of leaves me with little if any contact with my
    godmother.  For that reason, I have been adamant that I do not want a
    married couple to be godparents for our twins.  
    
    In our case, we have chosen my nephew, who meets the requirement that
    one godparent be a practing Catholic and is someone that we are very
    close to, and my best friend who is actually named in our wills as the
    guardian for our children (we made the provisions for children in our
    wills when they were written, and we still weren't even sure that that
    we could have children, but I still insisted that it be included then. 
    It's one less thing I have to worry about now.).  
    
    Also, if you realy want someone from your husband's family to be a
    godparent, they can do it by proxy and don't have to be here.  I know
    that one of my cousins had my aunt and one of my other cousins as
    godparents, and both had to do it by proxy because the baby was in Iowa
    while the godparents were in RI, so don't think you are limited because
    of where people are located, unless you are worried that the child
    won't see that person enough to get close to them.
    

    Mel,
    
    I wouldn't worry about them being married - the Godparents for
    Christopher are Dan's brother and his wife, and my sister.  We were
    going to ask her boyfriend (of 7 years), but thought it would be too
    awkward if they ever broke up.
    
    As far as distance ... well, Dan's brother and his wife live in
    Minnesota, we live in NH.  We're also the godparents for their
    daughter.  They would also be the people who would raise our children
    if anything were to happen to us.  We have a difficult time with
    pulling the kids away from everyone here, but these people are the only
    people that we know who would be most likely to raise our kids the way
    we would WANT them raised.  Even if it does mean moving them halfway
    across the country.
    
    As far as asking .... we waited till after the kids were born and
    everything was 'okay'.  I don't know if this is the right time (or if
    there is a right time) - it's just when we did it.

    My sister and brother (in-law) are JA's godparents -- Jim/I chose them
    because:
    
    .  we are very close to them and share very similar attitudes and
       viewpoints
    .  they are local (so they participate in all JA's celebrations -
       religious or otherwise)
    .  yes, we have ALSO chosen them to be her legal guardian (should
       something happen to Jim/me)
    .  they are Catholic and JA/I are Protestant (no problem with the
       church, us, or the family with this).  I told JA's godparents
       they should feel free to raise her either Catholic OR Protestant,
       just preferably in a religion which believes in the basics of
       her religion (holy trinity, etc.)
    
    Best choice we have ever made!  They are very supportive of JA's
    religious commitments, love her dearly, are always present at her
    functions and celebrations, and often spoil her dearly ... and I can't
    think of a finer relationship!
    
    Dottie
                                  

    A lot of people associate guardianship with Godparents ... but it
    doesn't have to be as stated before ... anyone you ask as godparents
    may want that reassurance.
    
    Distance generally doesn't matter.  We were told that as long as at
    least one sponsor was in attendance that was best, although they
    could all actually be in absentia ...
    
    Marital state most definitely shouldn't be a factor in the choice of
    sponsor ... (It needn't be in the matter of guardianship either come
    to that, although it is something to consider)
    
    For most churches, the religion of the sponsors themselves does not
    matter.  Taking the role of godparent is to be involved in ensuring
    that a child has exposure to a spiritual upbringing.  That doesn't
    mean ensuring they go to church every week.  That doesn't mean
    ensuring that they get religious instruction in schools.  That doesn't
    mean raising the kids is a particular religion.  It does mean that
    they get religious exposure.  You can be an agnostic and still be a
    godparent ... 
    
    So, you could choose 2 godparents because you want them to take that
    special interest in your child and 2 others potentially out of duty ...
    like family members.  Some godparents treat the role very seriously
    and others less so ... You have the final say in all of this.
    
    On the matter of guardianship ... see a lawyer and write a will.  The
    courts will not award custody on the basis of being godparents ...
    probably because to be honest, so few really take the role that
    seriously these days.
    
    Stuart

    Mel,
 
    I remember struggling with the decission of who to ask to be Michelle's
    godparents.  As you can see from all the responses, there are quite a
    few different criteria that different people use.  In our case, my
    husband and I had different criteria - my husband wanted somebody who
    would raise Michelle in the event that we die, whereas I wanted a family
    member who would provide Christian encouragement.  Unfortunately we
    don't know anybody who meets all three of our requirements so we had
    to decide which requirements were essential and which were not essential.

    So - you and your husband should decide between the two of you what
    YOU think is important in GODPARENTS.  It would be great if you could
    find somebody that had all the qualities you were looking for, but that
    isn't always possible.    

    As for timeing - we asked Michelle's godparents shortly after she was born.
    We probably would have asked them sooner if we had been able to reach
    a compromise in our requirements any sooner.

    Good luck - picking the perfect Godparents can be very difficult.

    As most of our family members are not very religious, most of us
    see the role of godparent as one of more an honorary nature. As far
    as distance is concerned, that means little to my family -- I, who
    live in Ottawa, Canada have godmother (maternal aunt) in southern
    California, and a godfather (paternal uncle) in France. My goddaughter
    (whose godfather is NOT my husband, but my cousin) lives in southern
    California as well (she happens to be the granddaughter of my
    godmother). Got all that? Good, there'll be a quiz.
    
    As suggested by the above, we consider it a family honour, as well
    as a way to further bind our long-distance family together, through
    a traditional ceremony. We try to use the same christening gown for
    most of the baptisms (or one made by a family member) and have the 
    baptism performed at a traditional family church. (My goddaughter was
    baptized in the church that my great-grandmother was baptized in, and
    we are planning to have our child baptized in the church that I was
    both baptized and married in).
    
    Monica
    

    Someone raised the question of legal guardianship in this note...The
    only way to insure that your kids will be raised by someone you
    want to raise them, in the way in which you would like them to be
    reaised, is to *make a will*.  Your kids' guardian(s) may also be
    their godparents, but it is not necessary.  In fact, as someone
    else mentioned, the choice of guardian may change over the life of
    the child.
    
    Traditionally, the people who were your best man and maid of honor
    at your wedding are chosen as your first child's godparents.  That's
    the custom where I was raised (Pennsylvania).  Since this often is
    the groom's brother/closest cousin/best friend and the bride's sister/
    closest cousin/best friend, this often makes sense.  The second child
    is trickier, in a way.  I would like to choose one godparent from
    Mike's family and one from mine.  On the other hand, out of a dad,
    a stepmother, and seven brothers and sisters, only two sisters have
    ever seen James, so the chances of anyone in my family seeing Nelson
    No. 2 are pretty slim.  So I don't know who the heck to choose for
    godparents this time.  I suspect one of Mike's brothers and maybe
    -- well, shoot, I don't know!!
    
    I agree with those who wrote that the custom has changed to be
    kind of an honorary thing.  And the godparent need not be present
    in the flesh.  My aunt stood as proxy for my youngest sister, who
    is James' godmother.  (She got a big kick out of it!)
    
    My $.02.
    Kate

    
    I agree about the Godparent role being kind of an honorary thing.  Our
    instructions at the baptism class were to choose a brother or a sister
    of if possible, not an in-law.  It seems that divorces happen so often,
    and families get disrupted etc., that lots of children end up with 
    one estranged Godparent. This happened to my husband, when his Godfather
    died in an accident.  Another issue, is that your OWN parents can have
    opinions about the choice of Godparents.  We have some not-so-lovely
    pictures of my mother-in-law scowling at my son's baptism because she
    didn't approve of our choice of Godfather........We could have picked
    Al Pacino or Marlon Brando!
    
    Rochelle
     

    Gee, there sure are ALOT of ways to interpret the meaning of
    Godparent!  However, I would like to thank all of you who have giving
    me insight on this subject and keep 'em coming!
    
    
    Mel

    If no one person or couple meets the requirements, condsider
    naming two.   For instance, -- my cousin is the godparent to my
    children, since she's strong spiritually, but my brother and
    sister will raise the kids if both of us should die.
    
    --bonnie

When we chose our son's Godparents, we were looking for someone to be
close to him, to give him more of a sense of family, since our family is
so small, and to be there for him if he had questions that he wanted to ask
someone besides/in_addition_to his parents, religious questions or otherwise. 
We looked mostly at 2 couples and 1 single woman.  We didn't have a single man
that was high on our list, so if we had chosen the single woman, then he would
have had one godparent, and that would have been fine with us, because we knew
he would get lots of love from her. 

At the time, we also considered having different godparents for each child.
We have since reconsidered that idea.

We chose one of the couples.  They live in another state, but one that we
visit occasionally.  They came out for his Christening (we don't believe
in infant baptism) and we share holidays with them when we can.  At the time,
we did not consider them for guardianship.

After a couple of years, we decided to rethink who we would want as a 
guardian should we both die.  We thought about it a lot, and were most
impressed with the way that the godparents were able to interact with our son,
and how much he liked them.  So we then asked them to be guardians as well.
We rewrote our Wills to indicate our wishes.

Contrary to what was written in .12, a Will does not ensure who will be the
guardian upon your death.  It only states your wishes while you were alive.
The judge makes the final decision.  The judge can totally ignore your 
wishes.  We know this well since it is a problem for us that if the birthparent
of one of our children dies, then the other parent would not have any legal
rights to continue to raise that child.  All we can do is hope that the 
judge would respect our wishes.

I have one question:  is it your experience/opinion that each child should
have different godparents, or the same one(s)?

        Carol

    re .16
    
    I'd never thought about having the same godparents for different
    children. My sisters and I have different godparents (none of them are
    married to each other). Each one of us has a different relationship with 
    our godparents.  Some are very close and others are more casual and 
    friendly.  Whatever the relationship, we know that if we needed to, we
    could turn to our godparents for help, without question.
    
    Our godparents have also been terrific role models for us.
    
    
    Judi
     

re .16 ...

True, a will is only an expression of your wishes ... but without one,
you would be guaranteed that your children become wards of the court.
A will at least removes that guarantee.

Stuart

re: -.1, Stuart:

Agreed!  :-)

     Carol

 
 Designation of godparents is a practice of a particular religion.  I mention
 this both to reinforce the point that it has no legal significance (or
 connection to wills or guardianship), and to remind people that it is a
 practice not followed by a majority of the world's parents.  Might the
 discussion perhaps be more at home in some other notefile?
 
 		- Bruce
 

< Designation of godparents is a practice of a particular religion  [...]
< Might the discussion perhaps be more at home in some other notefile?
 
I think it's fine here, Bruce.  Unless you are talking about Christianity
in general, I am one person who is not a member of the religion/denomination 
that I assume you are referring to.  It sounds like we (Americans?) have
expanded the meaning of Godparent to be more than just "religious teacher"
and that some of us parents want to explore what type of roles and 
responsibilities we might add to the title.

     Carol (as both noter and co-moderator)

Many -- possibly most -- of the subjects discussed in this conference are of
interest or relevance to a minority of the conference's participants.  If the
subject is a matter "of interest to parents", then it is probably appropriate
here.

While we tend to interpret "of interest to parents" strictly, I cannot imagine
an interpretation under which a discussion of godparents would be excluded.

	-Neil Faiman, PARENTING co-moderator

    I was referring to Christianity in general, since I believe that
    designation of godparents is familiar to most (all?) Protestant
    denominations (as well as Catholicism) though not required in all of
    them.  But I think godparents are unheard of among groups that don't
    practice Christian baptism.  It certainly isn't an "American" practice. 
    Part of my concern was the apparent assumption by most contributors to
    this note that a sectarian practice is in fact a general one, so that
    this discussion was necessarily of general interest.  Questions about
    the desirability, necessity, quantity, sexual diversity, and proper
    role of godparents are in fact questions of Christian theology, to
    which some denominations have quite specific answers (for example, I
    believe that Catholicism still forbids marriage between godparent and
    godchild, though the State has abandoned this prohibition).
    
    I wouldn't argue that discussions of religion are necessarily
    inappropriate in Parenting.  But I think the apparent assumption that a
    specifically Christian practice is followed by most people is clearly
    inappropriate here.
    
    		- Bruce

    In re: .22  (.23 was responding to .21)
    
    I have no objection to discussions with religious content, and have
    participated in some.  But all the others I recall (e.g. how do you
    deal with death?  how do no-Christians deal with Christmas? . . .) have
    explicitly acknowledged religious diversity, and, indeed, have
    addressed it.  This discussion seemed to me virtually to deny
    diversity, and thus to be inappropriate (see Orangebook 6.54).
    
    		- Bruce
    

    (stop me if its a rat-hole but..) 
    SOME of us explicitly mentioned that the role of the god-parent in
    our lives/traditions have become pretty non-religious in nature.
    I also have to agree with the point that not all the notes presented
    in this notes file are of interest or are applicable to all the 
    international participants. (Discussions in other notes about
    medical insurance don't apply to Canadians, nor do some of the tax
    discussion for instance). I would fully expect that those people who
    do not practice the tradition of having god-parents for their kids or
    who are uninterested in this topic will skip it, as I would the 
    ads for babysitting in Boston.
    
    Monica
    noter in Ottawa
    

	I do not consider this topic to be out of line with DEC PP&P.

	While it's acknowledgement of diversity is not incredibly overt, neither
does it explicitly deny or devalue diversity.

	I have changed the title of the note to Godparents/Sponsors to more 
clearly acknowledge the diversity that HAS been been acknowledged in this note.

	This topic is appropriate to this notefile.  It will remain here and 
open to discussion.

	If anyone wishes to discuss this furthur, please address the moderators
BY MAIL.

Thank you,
Tracey
Non-christian Parenting Moderator 

    I have a situation with our son and would like some
    feedback/suggestions.
    
    We chose close friends as AJ's godparents, a married couple.  We chose
    them because we've seen the way they have raised their 2 daughters and
    want to emulate that.  AJ was Baptized in the Catholic church, which is
    my husband's family's faith, we were also married in the Catholic
    church. I am protestant, (Methodist).
    
    My husband rarely goes to church, at all.  Probably only when necessary
    i.e. wedding, funerals etc.  I dare say I know more about what's
    happening next at a mass than he does.  I have been taking AJ (just
    turned 4) to my church, of which I am now a full member, almost every
    week for over 2 years.  My questions are, if I transfer AJ to my
    church, and my church becomes his church, should he be re-baptized? 
    Would I have to choose new or additional Godparents, who are
    protestant?
    
    a little background: my mother inlaw has strong and deep catholic
    roots, she was raised in a Catholic orphanage after her parents
    divorce, so we pretty much realized that unless we were married, had
    our child baptized in the Catholic church she'd refuse to come to
    either cermony or probably speak to us.  Obviously we did both
    reluctantly.  He comment to us was she didn't care who we chose, as
    long as they were "good catholics".  Which brings up another issue:
    My son's godmother has some strange religious conviction and as a
    result doesn't go to church much at all, in fact both of their
    daughters are well past first communion age, and haven't been near a
    church school class (they're 9 &11).  Have we made a mistake?
    
    Thanks!
    Lyn
    

    The only requirement of us from the Anglican (Episcopalian in the US
    I believe) church is that the sponsors provide religious and spiritual
    guidance.  There was absolutely NO requirement that they be of a
    particular faith.  There was no requirement that they be devout to
    their faith.  Basically, the idea was that they be willing to
    offer some guidance.
    
    So to be honest I see no problem with maintaining the same god-parents
    even if you want AJ to be brought up in your own church.  I don't see
    that the church would want to re-baptise AJ, unless it was a
    fundamentalist church.  Really the best place for these answers is
    to speak with your pastor.
    
    Given that the role of godparent, particularly in the protestant
    faiths these days, is a symbolic one, I wouldn't worry, unless you
    specifically WANT a change.
    
    As much as anything it probably depends on you.
    
    Stuart

Lyn,

    I am Lutheran, my husband was raised Catholic, and our daughter's godparents
are practising Catholics.  The pastor of my church had an interesting opinion
about second baptisms - He claimed that a baptism is a promise/gift from the 
Holy Spirit to the child, and has nothing to do with the specific denomination 
of the minister, parents, or godparents.  His opinion was that requesting a 
second baptism was like saying "the first promise wasn't good enough".  

    Of course, this particular parish is pretty open and liberal.  You should
probably talk to your own minister about the specific beliefs in your church.

-Carol

As far as I know, since the Ecumenical Council in the 60's, the
Catholic church accepts Protestant baptisms as valid.  The few
Protestants (including one Methodist minister) that I know say that
their churches all accept Catholic baptisms as valid.  The only
exception that I know of is LDS (the Mormons) don't accept anyone
else's baptisms as valid.  Check with your pastor -- if your church
accepts Catholic baptisms, then why not let it slide?

                           >>>==>PStJTT

	One more (two more? three more?) exception(s):

	Southern Baptists believe in "believer's baptism".  I.e. you must be 
old enough to make an informed decision, they do not believe infant baptism and 
will request you be re-baptised when you join if your only baptism was one done 
when you were under a certain age (12?).

	Other Baptists may feel the same way.

	UU's do not believe in baptism at all, but (in the congregations I am
familiar with; they vary *widely*) you may only join if you are old enough to 
make an informed decision.  (Although they do have a dedication ceremenoy, in 
which an infant or child is presented to the congregation and the child's 
sponsors make a committment to helping with the child's spiritual upbringing.)

	So as you can see, the answers are different as the many denominations.
Check with your clergy to see for sure what they require.

Tracey

    
    
    I was hoping someone (outside my family) could give me some advice
    on this.
    
    My mother believes that the maid or honor and the best man should
    be your God-parents.  Sharon, my best friend and maid of honor is
    the person who I want to have as my baby's Godmother.  The best
    man, my brother in-law is someone who I am dead set against having
    as a Godfather.  My husband has another brother who is older and
    I wanted to have him as the Godfather instead.  I *know* this is
    going to cause problems with my in-laws and I don't want to deal
    with it but my brother-in law who I don't want as a Godfather isn't
    dealing with a full deck to put it mildly.  My problem is, should
    I just make him the Godfather to make everyone happy or should
    I ask my other brother-in law (who is married, I feel bad that
    she isn't the Godmother) to be the Godfather (he is more spiritual).
    My husband doesn't care and I haven't mentioned any of this to
    any of my in-laws.  I'm between a rock and a hard place.
    
    The guardians, if God forbid, anything happened to me and my
    husband, will be my parents.
    
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    
    Thanks
    Chris

    I had the same problem, my husbands brother was definitely not
    Godfather material.  So we picked his other brother instead.  We also
    thought we would definitely get some grief from his parents but they
    didn't seem to care.   Anyway we are extremely happy with who we
    picked.
    
    My experience.
    
    

    Chris,
    
    You should choose who you feel is right. Don't go by what people say
    is tradition. I have never heard of that one before. If that were
    the case, my son wouldn't have a godmother, since my maid of honor
    stopped talking to me right after the wedding.
    
    Do what you feel is right, not what others feel is right. It is your
    choice, and they shouldn't have any say in it. They had their chance
    with their children, now it's your turn to do it.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Sheila
    

Chris,

In my case, my son's GodMother is someone TOTALLY outside of the family;
my relatives (close by ones) are not of the same faith as I am, and I wanted
my son's Godparent to be someone of the same faith AND someone close by who
would continue to be involved in his day-to-day life.  

In my opinion, the purpose of the Godparents are to assist in the spiritual
upbringing of your child.  Therefore, you want to pick someone who is willing
AND ABLE to uphold the beliefs you have and you want your child to be raised
with.  If the maid of honor and best man qualify under these terms, fine; if
not, who's the right person/people ought to be based on the above.

Debbi J

    Hi Chris,
    
    I would be inclined to ask the older brother to be the Godfather. As
    far as I know, here in the UK, there is no pressure to have the best
    man/maid of honour as the Godparents. If there was any trouble with the
    in-laws you could say something like, "We honoured *** by making him
    our best man, and we think it is only fair that &&& should be honoured
    too, which is why we would like him to be Godfather." Not knowing your
    family, I don't know how well that would work, but surely trying to
    include as many of the family as possible in your lives couldn't seem
    unfair ?
    
    Just a thought.
    
    Angela.

    
    Chris,
    
    I agree with the previous noters, follow your heart.  I'm not sure
    which denomination you are associated with, but won't you get some
    counseling at Baptismal Preparation classes?  If not, here are a few
    that I can remember from our classes:
    
    		o {can't remember the exact wording} Be prepared to
    	          make the committment to raise your child according to
    		  the teachings of the Church.  Don't waste time and
    		  energy having your child prepared and baptised if you
    	          have no intention of doing this.  
    
                o Someone willing to make a committment to the child for
    		  as long as the child needs spiritual guidance.
    
    		o At least one Godparent should be a practicing Catholic
    
    		o It is preferable to choose your own or your spouse's own
    		  siblings - rather that an in-law.
    
    		o The choice of Godparents is the parents - not
    		  grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc..
    
    			
    I'm extrapolating from your comments that your spouse is noncommital
    to the whole process.  Mine was too, therefore all the decisions were
    mine -- that meant facing down my MIL alone!!!
    
    Good luck and feel free to contact me offline for moral support!
    
    Rochelle

a couple of reactions:

1.   Is even HAVING formally designated God-parents really important to you?
     You note that your parents will be the guardians if something should
     happen to you and your husband.  Assuming you've done this by will, THEY
     will be the ones with legal standing, and -- unless they are unfit as
     parents -- will win pretty much any legal dispute over what happens with 
     your children, with regard to religious upbringing or anything else.  If
     having God-parents is important, but formally designating them isn't,
     you could do it informally.

2.   If having formally designated God-parents is important to you, you may
     be between a rock and a hard place, but you do not need to be there
     alone.  Your husband my be indifferent to who the God-parents are, but
     he isn't allowed to be indifferent handling relations with his family.
     IMO, he OWES you that.  If he is unwilling to stand by you, then it
     seems to me that the discussion you need to have is with your husband,
     not your in-laws.

Clay  

    There's certainly no rule that says you have to have your attendants as
    godparents.  It does tend to be a tradition, but that's because the
    people you have as attendants are typically people you are close to
    and respect.
    
    My husband and I had friends as our best man and woman, but chose
    siblings for godparents--his brother and sister for our first, his
    other sisters and one of my brothers for our second.  The only thing
    I feel bad about is that it leaves one sibling--my other brother--who
    isn't a godparent.
    
    Anyway, you know who you want; pick the older brother.  It's your child
    and your decision.  If you don't pick the one you want, you may resent
    it long after everyone else has forgotten who the godparents are.
    
    -Tracy
    

    As has been echoed in the recent replies, and as has been mentioned in
    earlier notes ...
    
    . the godparents are your choices ... no-one elses
    . the godparents ARE NOT guardians for your children in the event of
        your death, unless you request that they be (and even that depends
        on agreement by a court)
    . the godparents are essentially there to provide spiritual guidance
        to your children in as much or as little amount as you and they
        may choose.  The position could be an active role or an honourary
        role (in spite of the request of the various churches).
    . you may choose more than 1 godmother and godfather.  Our children
        have as many as 6 godparents.  Many churches allow absentee
        godparents.  (We're in Canada, several of my childrens' godparents
        are in England)
    . the godparent has no legal standing in most places .. only religious
        significance.
    
    Thus, if I were in your shoes, I'd choose 2 godmothers and godfathers
    and in that way the in-laws will be made happy.  It's then between you
    and the b-i-l how active a godfather he'll be ... and from the sounds
    of things he won't be active anyway ... and he, like the other
    godparents will have NO LEGAL STANDING anyway.
    
    When you ask people to be god-parents, indicate to them the role you
    expect of them, and it is as well to add that you have already selected
    x and y to be guardians, so they know that the roles are NOT related.
    
    Stuart

    
    
>>    which denomination you are associated with, but won't you get some
>>    counseling at Baptismal Preparation classes? 

    Rochelle, not all folks (as far as I can see not even all of those
    following the catholic church) are bound to go to these classes.
    
    First it is probably important to ask why you'd like to have godparents
    for your child and what function they will perform. As Stuart
    mentioned, they are no legal standing as to guardianship, so in any
    case their titles would be honourary. I agree with a previous response
    that if you've asked someone to be in your wedding party, that already
    is an honour, its up to you whether there is an additional honour
    bestowed upon them for god-parentship. 
    
    In practice I have found that although some people believe you will
    be connected to family longer than friends (and hence you child will
    have godparents for most of their lives rather than someone you've 
    fallen out of contact with), in my experience even relatives can become
    remote and uncaring about the honour bestowed upon them -- it all
    depends on the individual. 
    
    Bottom line: your choice. If this is an important decision for you,
    think about whether you'll still be happy with your decision in five
    or ten years or will regret it. If your family is pushing you, ask
    each individual as to their reasoning for disagreeing with you (without
    having you defend your position) so that you can appear to consider
    their opinion. Then, you can choose whether to value this opinion of
    theirs when YOU make YOUR decision. Letting them know that you paid
    attention to their side of the story sometimes wins half the battle.
    
    Monica
     
    

    Chris
    
    I would agree with others who have stated that you should do what you
    feel comfortable with.  I just wanted to add one thing.  When my two
    youngest were baptised, the girl had one godfather and two godmothers. 
    The boy could have had two godfathers and one godmother, but we chose
    to have one each.
    
    fwiw
    Debby