Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Does he do it for reasons that would make adults slap, i.e. is he angry
    or frustrated at you?  Or does he just slap because he thinks it's fun? 
    Marc (14 mos.) sometimes slaps also.  He thinks it's a game.  I don't
    think he means anything by it, but I definitely want him to understand
    that hitting is unacceptable.  I usually just grab his wrist, look him
    in the eye and say "no, hitting hurts", or something like that.  Then I
    try to distract him.  (My husband sometimes gently slaps him back, but
    I told him that this is counterproductive as it demonstrates that
    hitting _is_ OK).

    RE: .1  It seems like he thinks it's fun.  Sometimes though, he will
    slap "at" something such as bottle, spoon etc. if he's angry.  

    Boy, can I relate to this!  Chase started slapping (once-in-awhile)
    several months ago, but now that he's almost 2 1/2, he sometimes
    tosses small toys at your face!  (His aim is excellent!)...
    
    I usually restrain him by holding his hands at his sides and telling
    him "ouch", etc., and explaining that this HURTS mommy and daddy.  Then
    I try to distract him with other things.
    
    I, too, would love to hear some alternative ways of dealing with this. 
    I get so surprised by this type of behavior from him -- he's genuinely
    a sweet, loving child.  My cut at it is that he's testing limits with
    us, and I feel it's very important that he understands that hitting us
    is unacceptable!
    
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
    
    Dale

    At about 13 months Eric also went through the slapping stage.  He
    slapped MY face most of the time.  Only rarely would he hit daddy.
    I did just as Deb - hold his wrist and say "No hitting, hitting hurts
    and we don't believe in hurting people".  He would often times do
    it again as soon as I let go of his wrist.  All I could do was repeat
    myself as often as he slapped.  I also felt hitting him would be
    the worst thing because I was trying to teach HIM not to do it.
    I think he got over this stage in 3-4 weeks.  Now he's 17 months old
    and just this past week slapped me two or three times.  These 
    additional months seem to have added lots more strength in his
    arm and hand.  He slapped me very hard across the face last night 
    and I was so shocked but I still almost had to laugh because you'd
    have thought he was a parent slapping their child for saying a reallll
    bad word.  Anyway, I just repeated my "no hitting, bla bla bla".  
    Eric also does this because he thinks it's funny.  Like the last
    note or so, if he gets on a chair and stands up and then I take him
    down, he'll hit the chair because he's angry.  He doesn't hit people
    when he's angry - yet.
    
    Donna
                                           

    
    Boy, is slapping some sort of rite of passage for turning 13-15 months?
    
    Nicholas (15 mo) is in the habit of slapping anyone who's holding him.
    Thankfully, he doesn't try it with any of his playmates (yet)! He
    doesn't do it all the time, but we can't determine any sort of pattern
    and therefore can't be pre-emptive. We've tried holding his hands, or 
    pinning his arms, while telling him, in our sternest adult voice that 
    hitting/slapping is a "NO!", but this hasn't been too effective since 
    he seems to think it's all part of some game. However, two techniques 
    that have worked to a greater degree have been:
    
    	- As soon as he slaps one of us, we sit down facing an empty corner
    	or a blank wall, with him on our lap facing away from us, and hold
    	him there until we think he's gotten the message (usually 30-90 
    	seconds...sort of a mini-timeout). He'll begin squirming, and may
    	even progress to howling, but he tends to chill out once he
    	realizes we aren't giving in. By the way, this technique was taught
    	to us by his daycare teachers, who use it with some success whenever
    	any of the children behave that way.
    
    	- Another, more effective, technique is that as soon as he slaps us
    	or hauls back to slap us (if we can see it coming...he's got quick
    	hands!), we will put on our saddest, most pitiful face, maybe even
    	throwing in a whimper or two. As much as I hate to use 'emotional
    	warfare', this method will stop him dead in his tracks, and instead
    	of a slap, we usually wind up with a great big hug, sometimes 
    	accompanied by a pat on the shoulder. Maybe he's getting the
    	message that slapping someone makes that person sad...
    
    In any event, although these methods work for us, I'll be looking at
    the other replies with interest, hoping to pick up other techniques to
    use if/when our methods become ineffective.
    
    I also agree with the earlier replies that advise against hitting back 
    as being counterproductive. 
    
    Good luck...
    
    Freddie (Iron-Jaw) Chalmers

    Cory (15 months) is doing this, also.  We do as many of the other
    noters, hold is hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him 
    firmly "don't hit, hitting hurts".  I also tell him that if he does
     it again, he will get a timeout in his crib.  He's starting to test 
    his limits, so we've done more timeouts this past week than previously.
    
    I guess it is a rite-of-passage.
    
    
    - Terry

    re .6
    Maybe you want to consider some place other than the crib for timeout -
    some kids then associate that place with punishment and you might not
    want it to be the same place that he sleeps.
    

    Can children at, say , 13 months of age significantly control their
    hand movements?  My son David frequently slaps me in the face, but it
    seems to be out of excitement when I pick him up. He also is learning
    what the parts of the face are called, and can't seem to understand
    that when the term "eye" is used, it doesn't mean to jab his little
    finger into my eye.  He doesn't appear to understand that his movement
    are more forceful that they need to be.  It is understanding, or
    control at this stage of his development?  The funniest part of the
    "eye, nose, mouth, teeth" game is to ask him "Where are my teeth"? and
    keep my mouth shut.  He looks, looks closer, then puts his eyes right
    up to my mouth, like he is trying to see through my lips!  I'm really
    confused, though, as to whether he really doesn't understand or if he
    can't control the force of the movement. Opinions?
    Sarah
    

    The physical development of kids differs a lot, but FWIW, I think Marc
    has very good hand control.  I've seen him very gently pet the cat, 
    stack two blocks on top of each other, drink from a cup almost
    unassisted, etc.  He just thinks slapping is a way of playing.  

    David doesn't exactly slap, but if you pick him up when he's
    feeling playful, your eyes and your mouth are not safe.   He
    started at about 12 months, I suppose.  
    
    What seems to work is to just put him down.  He'll scream and wail
    and sometimes try to hit our legs, but generally he won't poke at
    our faces again when we pick him up.
    
    --bonnie

    I just went through this c*** with James, who is 2.75.  I've started
    "dancing" away from him when he raises his hand to me -- can't hit
    a moving target -- and it just frustrates the nonsense out of him.
    He goes nuts.  I can't remember how old you said your little one is
    but I would recommend some form of "time out," i.e., putting him
    down, saying "Hitting hurts and we can't play till you stop hitting,"
    etc.  Depends on the age, of course.
    
    I sympathise, there's a note in here somewhere about James' hitting.
    It's terribly frustrating, and after a day of fending off slaps and
    so forth, you do get to wanting to hit back, no matter how hard you
    try not to!!

   I'll probably be flamed at over this, but try a simple light slap back.
   (Bear in mind the relative sizes/surface areas etc of the respective hands
   and faces) Children, even at a very young age do things simply because they
   are there. Telling a child of two or less that "Hitting hurts" has three
   basic flaws, the child typically cannot specifically identify that the
   activity that they are doing is called "hitting", that "hurt" means pain,
   and that Hitting creates hurt...
   
   q (Who incidentally, folks, has a College Degree  Majoring in Psychology)
   
   

    With our first one, slapping back (I think we had to do it twice)
    cured this problem immediately.  With our second one taking away his
    favorite 'toy' (stuffed animal, blanket, whatever), and sitting him on
    the couch did it.  Each kid's a bit different.  I've seen other kids
    who were never stopped at slapping and went on to develop some nasty
    habits (pulling hair, kicking, biting etc), which ended up being the
    way that they dealt with ANY LITTLE THING that they didn't like!!
    
    Good Luck!

Putting the child down and walking away works well.  

      Carol