Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Having just gone through daycare switching (and still not being happy
    with the choice), here's some things I would "recommend". 
    
    Has Kelly been to the daycare center yet and know what's happening come
    Monday? If she doesn't I suggest that you take her there to see it and 
    start telling her something will be changing come Monday. Also, my son
    gave gifts to his previous daycare providers. I tried to explain they
    were thank you gifts for being such a good teacher and we were giving
    them because he wouldn't be coming back to stay there during the day.
    How much of it was understood be an almost 3 year old, I don't know but
    we did discuss the "present ritual" for the week after.
    
    Tell the new providers about the environment Kelly came from.
    Obviously she might be totally overwhelmed by many children. Going from
    a close environment to a large one is difficult. The daycare should be
    able to pick up on the things that she is having trouble adjusting to
    (like now getting less individualized attention, being in a more
    structured environment to handle many children, etc).
    
    Tell them she needs to know names. This is what is flooring my son.
    They expect him to just be able to walk into the new situation and
    "make friends". He's nearly 3 now but his previous daycare made sure
    that all the children knew each other. Berk isn't quite old enough to
    ask "What's your name?"  but we're encouraging it. They didn't help 
    with him fitting in. They let him fend for himself (including not 
    introducing themselves as teachers to him) and it has been 4 weeks now
    and I know he still isn't comfortable there.
    
    You need to learn about the daycare. This way you can discuss it with
    Kelly. Find out what activities they do during the day. If you are
    enthusiastic and interested in her going there, she will be as well. 
    (Thanks for this advice from an earlier note). 
    
    Listen to Kelly as well. She's old enough to give you some info about
    what happens there.
    
    Give her time to adjust and it does carry into the home. Berk doesn't
    become himself lately until Saturdays. 
    
    Best of luck. 
    Andrea                                      

    Hi,
    
    We too just recently had to go through this (bought a new house).  I
    think switching schools was THE HARDEST part of moving.  I felt it was
    such a grown-up thing for Pete to have to do.  He is almost 5.  
    
    Pete and I spent 2 half days there together.  I didn't really
    participate, just sat and watched in the back.  He knew I was there and
    gave him a chance to not feel like such a "new kid" and a little
    security to know his mom was there.  Also gave me a chance to observe
    the teachers, students, activities, learn some names, etc.  
                                                                       
    When Pete did start on that Monday, I phoned him and talked to him. 
    Gave him just a little reassurance that he was not really doing this
    alone.  
    
    I talked to his teachers and asked for their help in transitioning. 
    They assured me he was not sitting in a corner as I had invisioned.   
    
    Well, to make a long story short, he is happy and has adjusted just
    fine.  Kids seem to bounce back well.  Much easier than moms and dads!
    
    Linda  
    

    Making sure that she knows what's going on and talking to her about the
    new situation is a great thing to do.  I find this useful for any new 
    situation or happening.  When you mention it several times a day, it
    becomes familiar.  Visiting the place with her is super, but I realize
    sometimes this is not possible.  In lieu of this, make the new
    situation the topic of many converstations.
    
    Other than that, just observe and watch.  I take the approach of being
    reactive rather than too proactive with my kids, so that they don't get
    smothered.
    
    Good luck!  It sounds like she'll do fine.
    
    Mari
    

    
    The earlier suggestions seem good, but probably the most important
    thing is to try not to let your own anxieties affect the matter (even
    though it is quite natural to have them).  Most kids make such
    transitions quite well.  A few have trouble no matter what you do.  A
    few more have trouble because they sense that their parent(s) expect(s)
    them to.
    
    		- Bruce
    

    This is a little off the subject of the basenote, but as long as we're
    talking about new daycares...
    
    My son is currently 19 mos., and has been in the same family daycare
    full-time since he was 4 mos. old.  The woman who takes care of him is
    a wonderful, loving person who loves Marc very much, and basically
    treats him like her own son.  As the only full-time child in the house
    (her own children are in high school), he has gotten an enormous amount
    of love and attention, which is exactly what I wanted for him when he
    was an infant.
    
    Now that he's a toddler, though, I'm starting to wonder if he's
    "outgrowing" this daycare, and if it would be a good time to enroll him
    in a daycare center.
    
    He's at a point where he seems to learn new things instantaneously, and
    I'm afraid he's getting bored being at the daycare provider's house all
    day.  The provider has expressed a willingness to work with him on new
    things, but she has no training as a pre-school teacher and also isn't
    really organized enough to maintain any sort of schedule or routine
    with him.  Also, I would have to manage his activities, and I don't
    know what type of things daycare centers do with children this age
    either.
    
    My original plan was to keep him in family daycare until he's 2, on the
    theory that kids under 2 are happiest in a home environment, but maybe
    he's ready now.  I don't know how to tell.  I don't want to pull him
    out of an situation he's basically happy in because of a vague feeling
    that he's somehow stagnating.  
    
    Has anyone gone thru deciding to move a kid from family daycare to a
    center?  How did you decide when it was the right time?

Debbie:

We experienced a kind of similar situation with Juli.  We, too, thought
homecare would be best until she were 2-3 years old.  She, too, was a
very active, self-motivating, self-entertaining, early developer ... who
started showing some early-two's negative behavior at 18 months of age.

We experienced a family tragedy this past February, which took us
"out-of-state" for three weeks.  It pulled a very large family together,
which meant there were (at minimum!) 6-10 kids around at all times.
Well, Jim/I were TOTALLY shocked by Juli's aggression and defiance!
In fact, we were humiliated by it!!!  We had a little monster on our hands.

During this time Jim/I had LOOONNG talks about Juli AND homecare (a friend
who had a child Juli's age -- so we suspected some rivalry, as well as
parenting styles, environment, some issues which had occurred just prior
to our departure, etc.).  We decided Juli may be bored, lacked control and
discipline, and THE OBVIOUS difference in limit-setting and inconsistencies.
Hands down, Jim/I decided to go with a structured daycare/learning center.

Within three weeks, Juli found herself at the Hudson Learning Center!
(Massachusetts)

Oh, it wasn't easy on any of us at first, but within two weeks Juli fit
right in.  Inside of a month, Juli did a complete 180!  Jim/I are floored by
the improvements we have seen in Juli AND CONTINUE to see in Juli ... 
AND even more importantly, Juli loves being there.

Juli is the type of kid who thrives on activity, thrives on challenge,
loves many kids.  For Juli and us, the transition to daycare/learning center
had a big, positive impact on Juli (and us).

I'd suggest you take your child to a "potential" daycare.  See how s/he
fits in (keeping in mind it's all new to him, so he may not be comfortable
at first!).  Evaluate his/her needs and your needs.  Keep in mind, NOTHING
is cast in concrete ... what works today may not work tomorrow ... and
every child/parent/provider is different  (you've got to find the "best fit").

Good luck ... and KIDDO's to HCC (Hudson Children's Center).

Dottie 

    This note refers back to the original note.  
    
    We started our daughter in a new family daycare situation this week. 
    She and I spent the first morning together at daycare, then she spent a
    couple of hours there by herself.  Yesterday and today she spent 1/2
    days there.  She seems to be having a little trouble adjusting to the
    new situation.  She cries and is very clingy, she also calls out for
    Mom a lot.  She had been in a family daycare situation for the past 9
    months.  (She is 13 months old.)  She loved this arrangement and had no
    problems with it.
    
    I feel terrible knowing that she is having a hard time and am wondering
    if there is anything else that I can do to make her feel better.  How
    long does it usually take for a child to adjust to a new situation? 
    What else can I do to make it easier for her?  I know that the provider
    is loving and is trying to make the adjustment easier for Kaitlin.  I
    feel awful and need some advice.

    Eric spent from 3 months of age to 20 months with one daycare provider.
    He was always very happy there and it was never ever a problem dropping
    him off.  Only problem was picking him up - he didn't want to come
    home!  Then this provider decided to stop doing daycare. 
    
    I changed to another family daycare person in early April.  Eric and
    I spent an hour at this new home together for two days.  He then
    went to her full time and cried when I left him and called mommy.
    After two weeks we went on vacation which I think might have prolonged
    his getting used to this person.  We came back and 1 1/2 weeks later
    he stopped crying when I dropped him off.  It took a solid three 
    weeks of him crying and hugging me tight and not wanting me to leave.
    Two months later he has days where he might say "Mommy" and whimper
    a little, but he's getting much better.  There have even been a few
    days he didn't want to leave there.  I really think he likes it,
    though.  He is always talking about the kids he sees and his daycare
    provider.
    
    It still breaks my heart.
    
    Donna
    

We had a similar experience when we changed from homecare (with a friend)
to a structured daycare environment.

Juli spent several hours at the new center (with Nana and Auntie and us)
before the transition.  Even so, she still had some severance anxiety the
first few weeks.

What helped?  First off, Jim knew how much it ruined my day to think that
Juli was crying and callling out to him when he dropped her off ... so he
didn't mention it (but of course, I asked!).  He didn't go into explicit details
and tried to downplay it (to make it easier on me, no doubt! ... since
after 5-10 minutes, Juli would get herself involved with the kids and
playing and not miss us at all for the rest of the day!).

Also, the instructors were EXCELLENT (and still are) about giving Juli
lots of cheers upon her arrival, the kids gather around Juli, we often
bring treats for her and the other kids (Burger King hash browns are a
big hit with the kids!) ... and the instructors ALWAYS pick her up and
carry her about on their hip.  They told us it was important that we
not "sneak" off, as Juli may always be looking for us to return ... rather
say "goodbye, Honey, have a nice day" and let her know that you're
leaving and you will be back!

It took Juli about 2 weeks before she stopped crying and calling out for
us.

Now ... at 21 months ... and 3 meazily months at the center ... Juli
TELLS US TO LEAVE!

Also, Juli's big into doing things in an orderly fashion (awwgh!).  So
the few times I've dropped her off in the morning, SHE TELLS ME just
how things are done (e.g. FIRST "I" hang up my coat, THEN "I" put my
lunchbox in the refrig, THEN "I" enter "this" door ...).  I let her
think she's "helping" me (which she is!) and she seems to get some
pride from that (for whatever reason!).

I also believe the kids are great FOR EACH OTHER.  We'd always "look"
for Daniel or Andrea, who would take Juli "under their wings" ... now,
Juli takes Little_Tommy under HER wings!

Just takes a little time ... and to think I used to (and still do)
worry about it throughout the day WHILE JULI'S HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME!!!
It helped me a lot to call the Center once or twice during the
day (first week or so) and hear Juli laughing and playing in the back-
ground ... and the instructor would tell me what "Juli's" done during
the interium  (and it was clear to me she had and was having such a good
time that crying was the last thing on her mind!).

It's not easy ... it DOES get better with time ... and it always
bothers and hurts "Mom" 10X more than it does the kid!!! 

Now Juli tells me "GOODBYE ... GET LOST"!

Geeshh!
Dottie

    On a related track, I am concerned about my baby daughter's adjustment
    to staying alone with Grandma and Grandpa when we visit in July.  She
    hasn't seen them in months and won't remember them at all.
    
    She is clingy now and will only happily go to me, her Dad, and her
    regular daycare provider.  With anyone else she cries unless we are
    standing close by.  I know my parents will not remember this stage, and
    may have some trouble accepting that they are strangers to her.
    
    I want to know if there is any way to make it easier for both baby and
    grandparents, and how long it will take baby to adjust.  We will only
    be there for 10 days.  I hope she can adjust within 1 day.  
    
    I would like to leave her there for evenings or days out, and perhaps
    an overnight if everyone can handle it.
    
    Thanks
    Laura

    We had both sets of grandparents here for Gina's first birthday and I
    had some of the same concerns.
    
    The first thing I did was to warn both sets of parents that it might be
    a problem.  I asked them to respect her and wait for her to warm up to
    them before they grabbed her and held her.
    
    We also wanted to get out while they were here.  We didn't go out 
    until Gina felt comfortable with them.
    
    My daughter is a very social baby, so she adjusted within a day or so.
    
    I hope you have the same luck.
    
    judy

    	Most kids can sence that you also have separation anxiety. 
    They will play off of this.  Most kids will stop crying when they know
    you are gone.  We have experienced this from both ends.  Our first born
    was a problem to drop off.  She would carry on until Mom left the
    parking lot then turn and run and play.  With the second we started a
    daycare.  We also seen kids react in simular fashion.  It is more 
    upsetting for everyone involved for the mom to keep coming back for 
    "one more hug".  We found that the easiest thing for the other daycare 
    kids and provider and maybe the Moms is to assure you'll be back and 
    give a kiss and a hug then leave.  That's if you are sure no other 
    problems exist.  The child has less stress trying to keep mommy from
    leaving.  The other kids have less stress as well as the provider
    in dealing with the child crying.  Some might think it's a cool
    attitude but the results are better.   But when those puppy eyes are
    staring at you most logical minds melt.  My wife never would believe me
    about this approach until she became a provider.   She always felt like
    a heal but that might have just prolonged the bad experience.
    Good Luck
    Dave

    I chose to move AJ out of a home daycare setting last fall at 3.5.  OK
    this may be a little late for some, but for us it was best.  
    
    The previous summer I had used a commercial center near the NRO
    facility, it was awful for both of us, he cried terribly when we
    dropped him off, and came to greet us crying saying how much he missed
    us, to this day if we drive by the place he tells us he never wants to
    go there again.  For some reason it just wasn't the place for him.  I'm
    glad we had the week's trial to find out. 
    
    He has been in the YMCA since last fall, however he had a 2 week trial
    last summer while his provider was on vacation.  It may not be the
    absolute best, but his is learning and that's a very important issue.
    He is also learning about expectations-from him, and how to play
    fairly, and respect people and things.  They frequently do field trips,
    and starting later this month they start going to Kamp Kermit twice a
    week for swimming, crafts and things like that.  The Kamp price is no
    extra cost to those already enrolled in the Y daycare.
    
    I'd say do what your gut says, when you find a place that *feels*
    right, then it probably is!
    
    Lyn

    I did forget to mention our method of transition.  We told both AJ and
    the provider, for consistancy sake, that it was time for AJ to go to
    "school".  AJ thought it was great he was headed for "big boy school",
    and his provider understood he was  getting older and was ready for
    this move.  In fact on his last day with the provider she took all the
    boys to McDonalds for a special lunch, and bought him a Ninja Turtle
    Lunch box to take to school, plus another toy of his choosing, and had
    a little going away party, complete with cupcakes, and a request that I
    keep in touch, which I do.
    
    Lyn

    I'm back..... after almost a month and a half off,and now I feel lucky
    to have found something three days a week.  It gives me some time to
    just "play mommy".  Just wanted to add that last week AJ's former provider
    phoned us to say that after almost a year the "boys" are still asking about
    AJ.  We agreed to visit next week for the morning and stay for lunch.  
    AJ had a chance to chat on the phone too, with she and her children and 
    everyday since wants to know if this is the day we're going to visit.
    
    Just wanted to add this made me feel good that former providers still
    care and want to keep in touch.  AJ and I are really looking forward to
    our visit next week.
    
    I'll have to start a note to let all of you know all the great places
    we found for picnics, swims, zoos etc, in the area.  It was real tough
    coming back to work this time!
    
    Lyn
    
    
    Lyn