Conference moira::parenting_v3

    If the tree stand leaks (for those of you who get a live tree), 
    be sure to have at least three competent adults in the house to
    undecorate the tree and pull the (rapidly mildewing) rug out from
    under it.  Otherwise the tree will fall over and ornaments, lights,
    etc., will go EVERYWHERE.
    
    Always brace your tree somehow -- if it's in front of a window, tie
    it to the curtain rod with twine, etc.  
    
    Decorate the tree with plenty of bells so you can hear when cats,
    kids, etc., go near the tree.  Call it Mom's Distant Early Warning
    System.
    
    No matter how little you buy for the kids, it will look like you
    bought out the entire Toys 'R Us chain of toy stores.
    
    Let Santa (if s/he exists in your house) bring books and clothes,
    not just the good stuff like toys, games and videos.  Why should s/he
    get all the glory?!? :-)
    
    If you ask a 2-year-old what he wants for Christmas, you will receive
    the well-thought-out answer, "Toys."  Make your best guess from there.
    
    Remember that you are under no obligation to buy the kids a year's
    supply of toys, games, videos, books, etc., at Christmas.  What are
    birthdays for?  
    
    Let the kids play with their new toys while you and your spouse/SO
    open gifts to one another.  The way we did it was, James would open
    a gift, get interested in it, Mike and I would open our gifts to
    each other, then James would be curious about what we were doing, then
    he'd open a couple more presents.  Even so, he still had six gifts
    to open this morning.  And we held this line this year.  We could have
    bought even less.
    
    We always set aside a few gifts for rainy days, his (late MArch)
    birthday, etc.  We won't be able to do this much longer, but do it
    while you can.

    NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, let the kids see the box if all that is on
    the box is not included!!!!  Joshua (18 months) got a carry all
    cart from grandpa and the box of course, has six million toys already
    in the cart.  Try to explain to an 18 month old excited little boy
    that what you see isn't always what you get.  He searched the cart,
    the box about a hundred times looking for all those toys that were
    pictured on the box.  After the 20th time of hearing, "Ball, Mama?
    Baby, Mama?  Book, Mama?," etc. I finally threw the damn box into
    the garage and had my husband take it out with the trash.
    
    This year we did things a little differently--we started Christmas
    on Saturday, 1 or 2 packages every little while.  I really enjoyed
    it because it gave all of us a chance to appreciate and enjoy each
    gift rather than being overwhelmed by so many at once.  Joshua got
    the chance to play with each toy for some time before going on to
    the next new one.  Christmas lasted for 4 entire days and was much
    less hectic.  With all the visiting, etc. it was nice not to have
    to rush through all of our packages before going to my parents and
    the in-laws on Christmas day.  They also allowed Josh to open presents
    before Christmas day.
    
    Pam

Excellent topic.  Wish we had thought of doing this earlier.

My Christmas comment is actually a New Year's comment.  You know that you've 
reached middle age when the only person who is awake at midnight on New Year's 
Eve is your 10 year old daughter.

re: Assembling beforehand -- excellent advice.  At a minimum, you should also 
make sure that you have all the tools that you need to assemble.  Most 
complicated toys have this posted on the box.  Also, these days, make sure 
that you have an ample supply of batteries, from AAA to D.  And, remember, 
that some of these things can take MUCH longer to assemble than you might 
think.

re: Last minute requests to Santa -- most often, our kids get most of 
the _reasonable_ things that they want, but we have tried to make sure that 
they understand that their list is a "wish" list, and that they might not get 
it all.  There are some toys -- and for us, a gun is one of them -- that our 
children would not get under any circumstances.  Of course, there are also 
financial limits.

re: Lists for Santa -- try to figure out _why_ they want something.  Last 
year, the lists were unduly influenced by TV commercials.  This year, they 
were unduly influenced by the Sears Christmas catalog.

Other suggestions:

	- If you're in to recording the day, make sure beforehand that your 
	  camera and/or camcorder is operating properly, and that you have 
	  plenty of film and/or videocassettes -- and, for cameras, the 
	  ubiquitous batteries.

	- Agree beforehand on a time to get started.  Otherwise, you may get
	  woken up at 5:00.  



Clay

    What was reinforced for me (yet again!) was the importance of the
    structure provided by predictable, unvarying ritual.  I myself can
    remember minute details of how things were done in my house back to when 
    I was a small kid.  Some of these are incorported in my current
    household's practices, some not.  But the responsibility for keeping
    track of "how _we_ do it," and making sure there are no deviations
    without adequate cause, has already been taken over from me by the
    boys.  Not that everything must be unchanging.  Some years we have a
    fancy Christmas Eve dinner, and sometimes a plain one.  But it always
    comes _after_ the tree is decorated, but _before_ we join the
    neighborhood for Carols, which in turn comes _before_ . . . etc. . . .
    
    One function of the ritual, I think, is simply avoiding utter chaos. 
    Partly it means many things are simply known (when to put up the tree,
    where it goes, . . .) and don't have to be argued about or decided,
    possibly by over excited participants.  Also it can serve as a
    flywheel, to even the pace of things (such as: we do one or possibly
    two rounds of presents, and then break for breakfast).
    
    Also, I think the substance of the holiday is almost indistinguishable
    from the ritual.  Christmas _is_ (for everybody?) doing the things _we_
    do in the way _we_ do them.  Thus reading "The Night Before Christmas"
    the night before Christmas is a constant for us, and the _activity_ is
    thus an intrinsic part of Christmas; it doesn't really matter that the
    amount of the story the kids initially understand and later believe varies
    every single year.  Thus, also, Christmas can be an essentially
    Christian holiday for families in which religious observances play a
    major role, and yet an entirely secular one for some other families,
    even though they may sing the same carols.
    
    Finally, the stable ritual aspects of Christmas allow it to retain a
    great deal of its "meaning" in the face of potentially disruptive
    change.  I remember one Christmas as a boy which we spent in Key West;
    the climate and lack of a pine tree could have made it seem bizarre,
    but we brought along a sufficient share of our familiar ritual to keep
    it entirely normal and recognizable.  More recently, the bifurcation of
    their family between two homes, one of which doesn't observe Christmas,
    might have made the holiday somewhat painful for my kids; instead, I
    think it has made them find more meaning in and remain more faithful to
    those details of our rituals that have remain unchanged.
    
    		- Bruce

    >Not that everything must be unchanging.  Some years we have a
    >    fancy Christmas Eve dinner, and sometimes a plain one.
    
    The menu is one of the invariable items at our house.   I wanted
    to have something a little different this year for Christmas
    dinner, and nobody would let me change the menu!!!!  I mean, they
    didn't want me to serve broccoli instead of green beans as the
    vegetable!!!!!
    
    --bonnie

    
    .5 > The menu is one of the invariable items at our house.   
    
    Our ritual doesn't speak to the dinner menu.  It does dictate that
    Christmas breakfast must be fancy, and must end with coffee cake.  But
    if I'm not careful, I may be told that a Digital Turkey for dinner has
    become manditory; I've done one the last two years.
    
    		- Bruce
    

    I'm interested to learn that someone else out there decorates the tree
    Christmas eve, instead of the day after Thanksgiving, which it seems
    the world is moving to.  I grew up with this tradition and treasure it. 
    IT makes Christmas eve special.  
    
    I'm anticipating many lessons to be learned this the first year we try
    to undecorate the tree.  Any hints?  Like doing it in the dead of night
    so 15 month old Daniela doesn't go crazy with the boxes and trimmings?

    My family used to decorate within a week of Christmas often Crhistmas
    Eve.  Because I celebrate the winter solstice more for religious
    aspects, and Christmas as another aspect of the season, our tree goes
    up sooner.  This year we did it on the 16th, combined with a freind and
    her daughter.  She brought over the main dish ingredients, and I cooked
    them, and we just had a great time.
    
    Taking down the tree is another matter.  Ours is coming down tonight,
    although I usually take it down New Years Day.  This is in deference to
    Carrie, our youngest who hates to see the tree down.

    People do feel very strongly about doing their holidays "right"
    and one of the more difficult parts of the early years of our
    marriage was blending our different traditions for the season. 
    Neil's Jewish but not religious, so they had always celebrated a
    secular Christmas.  My family's moderately religious (and
    religiously moderate :) ) so most of our traditions related to the
    religious aspects.  We agreed early on that our celebration would
    be a blending, not alternating between one family and the other,
    and we made a point of spending our first Christmas with just us
    and Kat, not visiting either family.  
    
    We observe Hannukah.
    
    On Christmas Eve we have chips and dips and play board games with
    the whole family, then go to bed early.  (As Kat points out, the
    earlier you go to sleep, the sooner morning comes.)  When I was
    little, we usually went to Christmas eve church services.  This is
    one place I had to give in, since my going off to church hurts the
    very important family aspects of the holiday.
    
    We don't have breakfast on Christmas morning, but nobody opens any
    presents until Mama and Daddy brush their teeth, get dressed, and
    make coffee.  One of the kids will then locate a present for each
    person, and we all open that one present.  We all admire, say
    thank you, give hugs.  If it's a toy, the kids will often stop to
    play with it for a while.  This year Kat gave her little brothers
    one of those indoor basketball hoops, so present-opening was
    delayed for almost an hour while we assembled it and Steven
    practiced his slam dunk.  
    
    When I was growing up, our tradition was to put the tree up the
    week before Christmas and take it down on 6-January (the
    traditional "12 days of Christmas," ending on Epiphany). We
    continued that tradition for several years when we had an
    artificial tree.  But now that we're rich yuppies and can afford a
    farmed tree each year, and the kids want the tree up sooner, I
    find that the tree doesn't usually last beyond New Year's day
    before it becomes dangerously dry.  This year it didn't even make
    it that long. 
    
    --bonnie