Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Anne, 
    
    I'm in the same state as you - first will be just shy of 3 when #2 is
    born in January. We talk about the baby inside me mostly when Berk is
    having trouble finding enough lap space on me or when he wants me to
    pick him up, wrestle with my, etc. He definitely forgets that there is
    something in there, despite the bump, but it is wonderful when he comes
    up to me to give me a hug and kiss and gives my tummy one as well. I
    tell him the baby says "thank you" and loves his kisses!!! 
    
    I have shown him pictures of the baby growing inside in some of my
    pregnancy books and shown him pictures of newborn babies in my infant
    care books. We don't "push" the fact that there will be another baby
    but we do work it into the conversation as often as is appropriate.
    
    The thing we have been stressing at this point is that I am going to
    have to go to the hospital for a while to have the baby (so he won't
    think I have abandoned him when the big day comes), I've taken him to
    the hospital on my visits and that the baby won't do much of anything
    except cry and sleep and eat for a while (he was devastated that he
    could not give the baby cookies). Since Berk is my side-kick now, he's
    with me whenever I am doing something in the baby's room so I use
    opportunitites like that to explain what the baby will be like. We
    haven't really used the "big brother" tactic in the sense that I means
    he now has a responsibility toward this infant he doesn't even know. 
    Berk has 2 older siblings (19 and 17) so he knows what "sister" and
    "brother" are. I think we will leave it at that.
    
    Best of luck with the up-coming event.
    Andrea

    
    
    When I was pregnant with our second, my second did not really
    understand exactly what I was trying to tell him.  He accepted that
    there was a baby in there, but wanted to know if he had already met the
    baby when HE had been in there (and were there any more?)  He thought
    about things like "will I still be the biggest?".  But in general it
    appeared to be beyond his comprehension.
    
    AFTER the birth, he became the best big brother in the world.  He
    watched over Kyle, talked to him, insisted on buying a "clown" bottle
    for the baby.  When I nursed the baby, Justin would get his bear, lift
    his shirt, and "feed" his baby.  He was just 3 at the time.
    
    I think the most important thing we did for him was to spend time with
    him alone after the baby was born.  My husband and I took Justin to
    Edaville railroad, without the baby, when the baby was about 2 weeks,
    that sort of thing (but don't go overboard!)  We also let him help when
    it was possible, like handing me the wipes, or letting him feed a
    bottle (baby propped on his lap with pillows, he could hold the
    bottle).
     
    So don't worry that the "big brother" isn't interested now.  He will
    surprise you.
    
    Laura

    Our 2 older kids were each 22 mos. when the next was born, and our
    third will be 26 mos. when #4 is born. For the most part, only the ones
    who are more than the next one up in line, have any interest in teh
    whole process. I do think a 3 yr. old can and probably does understand
    more than you would think. His silence may just be his way of dealing
    with it. Is he usually quiet about stuff, or does he usually verbalize
    his feelings?
    
    Try showing him his own baby pictures some time, and telling him
    wonderful stories about how special he was, how much you loved him, and
    any funny/cute stories surrounding labor and delivery. Kids love to
    hear this kind of stuff. Encourage him to ask questions, but don't push
    him. It may just be all too abstract for him, at this point. 
    
    Also, it may be he is worried that you won't love him anymore, or some
    such thing...I'm not suggesting you've done anything to encourage this
    thinking, but kids come up with all sorts of ideas on their very own!
    Assure him that this new baby will make a special place in your heart
    for itself, and that all the love you already have for him will still
    be there, as much (or more!) than before. Make sure you don't just call
    it "your" baby, but explain that the baby belongs to the whole family,
    and his role as big brother is very important..he'll be able to give
    only the special kind of love that big brothers can give!
    
    Hope this all helped some....we've been through it, now going on #4!
    
    --dave--
    

    I second the suggestion of .3 in having your son look at baby
    pictures of himself.  This worked great with my children and continues
    to be a source of pleasure for them.  I kept an album of my first son,
    Jacob's, first year.  When my 2nd son was born Jake wanted to rush home 
    and look at himself when he was a baby.  He looked at that album 5 times 
    a day the first few days I was home.  When our third son was born, Jake 
    did the same thing.  Tommy, the middle child, didn't really take to the 
    photos of himself.  He keeps thinking they are of some other baby, not him!
    But my 2nd and 3rd children were only 18 mos. apart (too young to
    really comprehend) while my first two were 32 mos. apart
    
    Also, we have our children get involved in getting ready for the new
    baby.  Ask them what color sheet the crib should have or what stuffed
    animal they think the baby'd like.  It gets them thinking about the
    new arrival in a helpful manner.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Dorothy

    David was 2 1/2 when his younger brother was born.  Things we did were:

	1. We talked about the baby growing in mommy's tummy (we had a whole
	   story about how it would grow for a long, long time, and then
	   one day, it would be time for the little baby to be born, and
	   mommy and daddy would go to the hospital, and the doctors would
	   help the baby be born, and then we would find out who it was!)

        2. We talked about how David was once a little baby growing in mommy's
	   tummy (similar to the above story, but continuing on with "...and
	   the little baby was David!  Mommy and Daddy were so happy to meet
	   him!  And David was a little baby, but he grew and grew, and now
	   he's a big boy, and he can walk and talk and run and jump and...")

	3. We took David to visit the hospital ahead of time, and showed him
	   the maternity ward.  His biggest interest, then and when visiting
	   me after the baby was born, was in looking at the babies in the
	   nursery.

	4. We looked at David's baby photos, like others have mentioned.  They
	   went right along with the "little baby" stories.

	5. We asked David to help us pick out a mobile for the baby's crib
	   (he didn't want to relinquish his own mobile, which is still
	   hanging from the ceiling in his room), and a wall hanging for
	   the baby's room.  He helped us set up the baby's room.  He
	   helped us pick names for the baby.  We speculated together on
	   whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.  We talked about the
	   baby clothes that I was gathering up for the baby.  Lots of stuff
	   like that.

	6. My mother came to stay with us shortly before the baby was due,
	   and while I was in the hospital, she and daddy spoiled David rotten.
	   I attribute a lot of his happy acceptance of the new baby to this
	   treatment. :)  They all went to the toy store to buy a present for
	   David to give to the baby (incidentally buying several new toys for
	   David, too).  They all came to visit me at least once a day in the
	   hospital (pretty brief visits, but very important for David, I
	   believe).

    David has very happily adapted to having a younger brother.  I couldn't say
whether the advance preparation had much to do with it, because I expected him
to deal well with the situation anyway, but I know that *I* enjoyed the stories.
He wasn't all that interested in the stories the first few times we told them,
as I recall, but as it got near my due date (maybe because I was getting more
excited about it?), he got more and more interested and asked lots of questions.

    Aaron was 4 when Eric arrived, a bit older than most others here, but I
    still second most of what has been said.
    
    Aaron loved then to hear stories about himself in utero, and as a baby,
    and he still does now at almost 9!  We went out of out way to stress
    how boring and annoying babies are most of the time, so the surprises
    he encountered with the actual baby were almost all pleasant ones.  I
    would do it this way again.
    
    One other thought.  He took a "big sibling class" at the hospital
    (Emerson), which I recommend.  It not only gave him some additional
    perspective on babies, and the responsibilities of "big folk" (siblings
    and parents) to look after them, it also gave him a much more tangible
    and comfortable feeling about the hospital (we had visited the nursery,
    etc.), which made life easier when the time (i.e. the baby) came.
    
    		- Bruce

    Bruce,
    
    Thanks for the tip about the Sibling class at Emerson. That's where
    I'll be delivering again and I enrolled Berk yesterday afternoon into
    the class. Coincidentally, my hospital package came in yesterday with
    all the current delivery statistics, logistics of delivery and with
    info about the class. 
    
    Sounds like a great program for the kids!! We're all looking forward to
    it.
    
    Andrea
    

    My sister is due with her second in January and her son is 4 years
    old.  Our mother got him a life-like infant doll so that he can
    practice with the doll while his parents are taking care of the
    new baby.  My sister is going to let him use the baby stuff on his
    doll, give it a bath, etc..
    
    BTW - I was happily surprised to see that he has made it to the
    age of 4 without being convinced that dolls are only for girls.
    	Linda

    Moderaters, Pls move if there is a more appropriate place for this
    topic.
    
    
    I am looking for advice/tips for preparing your first child for the
    arrival of their new baby brother or sister.  I am due in mid June and
    have told my daughter (2.4 yrs) that she will soon have a new baby
    brother or sister ect..  I was wondering how others have delivered this
    message and if they have any other tips that would make the transition 
    from one child to two easier.  I have heard horror stories of kids who 
    became very disagreeable for two months after the new arrival.  
    
    Thanks,
    Mary Beth
    

    Marybeth, I am expecting # 2 in July and I was wondering the same
    thing...One thing Mom's have told me is 1 thing you can do to get 
    them excited it to buy them a baby and bring it to the hospital 
    and when they come to see you, you can tell them that this is their
    baby to help with too and buy it some special outfits and a bottle.
    
    Not sure how a little boy would like it. I am not too sexist so 
    I would probably do that even if I had a boy, at this young age. 
    My daughter will be 3 in July tho and I have been trying to ask
    people the same. I did change her room around now to make room 
    for the crib, so I won't have to worry about all that then and 
    make her go through more changes than needed at that time. 
    
    Be interested in hearing responses from everyone.
    
    Charlene

    Our second is due 4 days before my daughter's 3rd birthday. We have
    been constantly talking to her about her baby brother / sister. She
    knows (at least we think she does) that there is a baby in Mommy's
    tummy. She will ask to put her hand on my tummy to feel the baby move.
    Now she walks around saying that she has a baby in her tummy and she
    will ask me to feel her baby moving around. She does have a couple of
    dolls that she calls her babies. She puts them down for a nap, changes
    their diapers (make believe), etc. We keep talking to her about how she
    is going to be the "big sister" and she can help us change the baby's
    diaper, play with the baby, etc. So we are sort of getting her ready
    for the arrival ( I am at 31 weeks ).
    
    At her daycare many of her classmates also had or are expecting
    siblings. So her toddler class spent a month on the baby theme. They
    got a lot of baby dolls - one even resembled a new born, baby
    carriages, cradles, bottles..... So every time I went to her daycare
    the kids were either putting their baby to sleep or taking them for a
    walk or feeding them with a bottle. So that was a good intro to
    becoming a sibling.
    
    Now let's see what *really* happens when the baby comes.
    
    Shaila

I know Memorial (in Nashua, NH) offers them.  Also check local HMOs.  I
believe that Matthew Thornton offers one free of charge as a community service.

    That is so funny, mine is due July 26th (I am 24 weeks now)  and my 
    daughter will be 3 July 27th. Talk about being well planned. She too
    tells me she has a baby and it is kicking. And she puts her finger in
    my belly-button and tells me to open it so she can she the baby and 
    tells me she wants to lay in there too. 
    
    So funny.
    
    Charlene

    There must be something in the air - I'm expecting #2 in mid June 
    three weeks after my daughter's third birthday (I'm 30 weeks now).
    
    We talk about the new baby from time to time, but I'm still stressing
    that it will be a long time before the baby arrives because 10 weeks is
    a long time in three year old terms.  Things we have talked about are
    what will happen when I go into hospital, what newborn babies are like
    (we look at Alison's baby photos quite a lot) and all the things that
    big girls can do that babies can't.  (In spite of being 2 years 10
    months old, and on the 25th centile for height, Alison insists that
    she is NOT a little girl but a big girl!).  We've also got a couple of
    books about new babies that we read from time to time.  Alison also has
    a rag doll which is her pretend baby - I didn't suggest this, she
    started this by herself.
                                 
    I think that no matter how much I try to prepare Alison for the arrival
    of the new baby, it is bound to be a shock to her, and we are bound to
    have some problems, but they probably won't be the problems I
    anticipate!  
    
    The problems I've got at the moment are 1) Alison insists that the baby
    is going to be a girl and will be called Emily (I'm afraid I'm not
    going to call a child Emily Rumbelow, not even to avoid three year old
    tantrum, and if it's a boy ...) and 2) Alison also insists that when I
    go into hospital to have the baby, she's coming with me.  Oh no she's
    not!  We'll probably organise something fun for her to do with Grandma
    instead.  Given a choice of coming with me to hospital, or going to
    McDonalds with Grandma, she'll probably choose McDonalds.   
    
   - Janet
        

    I tried writing this once, and got detached from PARENTING, so here
    goes again.
    
    Christopher was born 2 weeks after Ryan's 3rd birthday last summer. We
    didn't talk about the impending arrival much until the month before the
    birth, and allowed Ryan to initiate most of the discussions - that way
    we could talk about the things that really interested him.
    
    4 months before the birth, we moved Ryan to a bed and put the crib away
    (my boys currently share a room). It was curious to hear Ryan go from
    talking about the crib as his to calling it the baby's crib.
    
    We read two books quite frequently both before and after the birth. As
    a matter of fact, my husband and sister made a point of reading them
    each evening while I was in the hospital as well. ONe was part of the
    critter series - Me and My New Baby - or some title to that effect. It
    was quite useful as it simplistically talks about how you can't really
    play much with new babies but as they get older, they learn to smile
    etc. and you can take them for walks in the carriage.... The second
    book was "Koko Bear's New Baby" and this one is really excellent both
    for parents and children. At the bottom of each page there are notes
    for parents. It addresses some of the un-fun stuff for siblings, like
    why people bring presents for the new baby (they aren't born with
    anything is the explanation) etc.  I'd highly recommend both books and
    will look up the correct titles and authors if anyone wants me to.
    
    We did the sibling class at St Vincent Hospital and it was very well
    intentioned, but the kids were clearly more interested in the juice and
    cookies than the video on new babies. Later they were much more curious
    about the bed being able to go up and down than the fact that this is
    where MOm would come to have the baby come out of her tummy.
    
    We did have Ryan visit in the hospital and we had a present waiting
    there for him "from the baby" - a Spiderman action figure he'd been
    craving :-)
    
    At home we let him hold the baby whenever he asked (well supervised)
    and included him early on in any aspect that he showed an interest in.
    The interest quickly diminished......
    
    The first month was very difficult - lots of testing and asking for
    attention just at the moments that I couldn't give it (like when I was
    nursing) but we adjusted. Oddly enough the 4th month was also
    difficult. That was the month I went back to work and Ryan had to
    adjust to sharing Lisa, his daycare sitter, with Christopher.
    
    Overall things have smoothed out - the boys are good together. I can
    well remember though, the time when Ryan and I both sat and cried
    together about 3 days after Chris's birth. He'd been testing me like
    crazy and I just blew my cool - we both were so tired and just sat and
    cried. It really helped.  It was also quite telling when, 3 days later,
    Ryan came home from daycare and asked me if the new baby was still
    here!
    
    Best of luck,
    

    Thank you all for sharing your experience.  I see there will be alot of
    us out for the summer!  Lynn, I would like the authors of the two stories. 
    Christen loves our story time and the stories you mentioned would fit
    perfectly.  Christen is not overly curious about the whole thing now,
    but I plan to talk about it more frequently this month and next.  I
    will also have her help me set up the babies room!
    
    Good luck everyone.  

    It would be interesting to see some statistics on how many children
    are born close to their siblings' birthdays.
    
    I'm due May 9th, one day before my daughter's third birthday.
    
    Judy

    Yes, all these people who want their kids 3 years apart and the plan
    works out too perfectly!

    My daughters are 4 and 5 months old.  I too was concerned about having
    a new baby in the house because my daughter was so spoiled.  Some of the
    ways I prepared her was to talk about the baby and let her feel the
    baby move.  She got bored with this fast and used to tell the baby to
    stop moving when she was trying to lie in my lap. We took the class at 
    the hospital.  She really enjoyed this. I made it clear that she was 
    still my baby too. I told her how much I was going to need her around to 
    help me.  She loves being a big helper.
    
    I was very concerned that there would be problems with having a new
    baby around because I had two friends that could not leave their
    children in the same room alone.  But my anxiety was unfounded.  Alicia
    loves her new sister and baby sister adores her.  
    
    If Jessica crys, Alicia immediately looks for the pacifier or a toy to
    sooth her.  If that doesn't work she will pat her head and talk to her
    in a low, motherly voice that puts tears in my eyes.  Alicia is the
    only one who effortlessly can get Jessie to laugh.  All she has to do
    sometimes is to look at her.  
    
    There is the occasional problem and jealously but it is usually mild.
    Hopefully when Jessie is old enough to want Alicia's toys they will
    still get along....
    
    RE:  Siblings with close birthdays.  My brother's birthday is September
    28 and mine is September 29.  (We are 5 years apart). Our babys
    birthday's are also close.  My daughter was born on November 1 and his
    son was born on November 11, just ten days apart.
    
    RE: Three year planning.  I planned for 3yrs but got a 3yr 7month span.
    
    Angie
    
      

    Mike was born last May and Kevin had just turned four in April.
    Kevin insisted he was going to have sister, since he was the brother.
    But, once Mike came just having a baby was more important than what
    sex the baby turned out to be.
    
    We bought Kevin a Ninetendo game which was a gift from the baby.
    I packed it in  my bag for when Kevin came to visit us in the
    hospital. I also brought Kevin's picture which was displayed in Michael's
    crib.  This was a big hit! Kevin loved seeing his picture in with his
    baby brother.
    
    Kevin inturn bought the baby a stuffed duck several weeks before,
    which he wrapped and brought to the hospital on his first visit. 
    Most of our family who visited also brought a little gift for Kevin 
    too.  I also had a few small things in my bag for him. We let Kevin 
    unwrap all the gifts for the baby too.
    
    We also enrolled Kevin in the new sibling class at Framingham Union.
    As mentioned before, most of the children were more interested in
    what the bed could do and the cookies and juice.  But at least he
    was familar enough with the hospital and the maternity ward so as
    not to be scared.
    
    Unfortunately, Kevin had to deal with alot of unexpected things
    because Mike was rushed into Boston's Children's Hospital when he
    was 6 days old.  Kevin ended up staying at my folks for the first
    week then bounced around to either my sister's or one of my brother's
    the second week. Kevin dealt very well, with not being the center
    of our attention for the first week, but by the end of the second
    week he had had it.  I ended up bringing him into the hospital with
    me the last Friday for the day. We went out to the mall nearby for
    lunch and to the Coop where we bought Kevin a book.  This made all
    the difference just spending time with him. 
    
    Today, he is very much the big brother. He loves Mike but occasionally
    has his moments.  What we found is that if we spend even just 15
    minutes one on one  with him after Mike goes to bed Kevin is very
    happy.                                                      
    
    Best Wishes
    
    - Pat

    The books I mentioned in an earlier reply:
    
    	THE NEW BABY, by Mercer Mayer #11942 
         just one of the "critter" series; there's also one about
         ME AND MY BROTHER.
    
	A NEW BABY AT KOKO BEAR'S HOUSE, by Vicki Lansky
         Includes notes for parents at the bottom of each page.
          ISBN 0-916773-22-1