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Conference moira::parenting_v3

Title:Parenting
Notice:READ 1.27 BEFORE WRITING
Moderator:CSC32::DUBOIS
Created:Wed May 30 1990
Last Modified:Tue May 27 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1364
Total number of notes:23848

520.0. "Grief over loss of singular relationship" by CSC32::WILCOX (Back in the High Life, Again) Wed Nov 21 1990 12:38

I haven't seen this particular topic discussed so thought I'd bring it up
and see if anyone else has had these feelings.

My daughter Kathryne is just a little over 3.  I'm due December 25 with
#2.  Quite honestly, I'm beginning to feel a sense of loss and grief over
losing the "Kathryne is my only child" relationship.  I don't feel like
#2 is an imposition or anything like that, it's just that for 3+ years
I've had a wonderful, albeit sometimes stormy, relationship with Kathryne
and only Kathryne.  When I rock her and sing "Rock-a-by Baby" I feel a
sense of loss over the impending change in our relationship.

Anyone else?

Thanks,

Liz
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520.1Me too....CSG001::HAMMONDWed Nov 21 1990 12:4819
    I've been going through this a little myself recently.  December 24th
    is my due date at which point Matthew will be a little over 20 months.    
    Sometimes I look at him and think about how much he's still a baby
    himself and am I really ready for this!
    
    My mom told me that she remembers thinking 'how am I ever going to love
    this new baby (me) as much as I love this first.'  Then, right after I was
    born, she said that fear totally disappeared.
    
    While I'm excited and happy about having #2, I know things will be
    different when our household doesn't revolve around Matthew.  In an
    earlier version of Parenting, I remember someone writing;
    
    'Your first baby is magic but the second one is the glue'.
    
    For some reason, that thought has eliminated most of my ambivalence.
    
    Good Luck,
    Carol
520.2Same thoughts!!MAJORS::MANDALINCIWed Nov 21 1990 13:0724
    I too have been thinking the same thing as well (due Jan 20th). For
    almost 3 years our world has revolved around Berk. He honestly is the
    light of my life. I always wanted more children but there is such a
    special relationship between he and I (and he and my husband) that I
    often wonder if it will be the same. The only "sad" thing I can
    really see is that the second child won't have the opportunity to be an
    only child. I worry that I won't be able to give #2 the same dedicated
    attention. I know I will give the same love and I am really excited to
    extend our family. 
    
    My husband and I have discussed this at times. He has 2 older children
    so he has been through the anticipation and arrival of the next child.
    He said it was just as exciting and he loved his kids even more. I
    don't know if there is a easier time of this when you have a boy and a
    girl versus 2 of the same sex. Half of me wants a girl so I will feel
    like it is totally different and I can be a "dedicated" to a totally
    different "model". The other half of me is so in love with a little boy
    that I want another (in hopes of having the exact same relationship,
    which most likely won't happen). 
    
    I suppose once I lay eyes on the new one and see us as a family, no of
    this will matter!!!
    
    Andrea 
520.3a necessary phase of lifeCIVIC::JANEBSee it happen => Make it happenWed Nov 21 1990 14:1518
    Liz,
    
    I went through this when I was expecting our second baby - just like
    you described.  I had the book "Your Second Child" (you can borrow it
    if you want it and if I can find out who has it!) and there was a
    section about the grief-like stage when you realize that this
    relationship with your first-and-only is going to change with the new
    baby.  It helped me to know that this was normal and that it had a
    purpose - to help make the transition.
    
    I also remembering feeling a real panic when I looked at Sally and
    thought "I could NEVER love another child this much!" - I felt like I
    loved her with my whole heart.  But, somehow, I love Kathleen with my
    whole heart, too.  I guess your heart just expands to make room!
    
    Now that we're established as a family, we can see that we took
    something away from Sally by "dividing" our attention, but we more than
    made up for it by giving her Kathleen!  
520.4#2 will Thrive, I'm SureUSCTR2::DONOVANThu Nov 22 1990 05:1813
    Try not to worry about #2 not having the special relationship with you
    that #1 had.
    
    #2 has a few distinct advantages.
    
    	* Mom and Dad are a bit more mellow.
    
    	* They don't have to even go out of the house to find a playmate.
    
    	* They automatically have someone to blame everything on.
    
    Kate
    
520.5TLE::STOCKSPDSCheryl StocksThu Nov 22 1990 12:0727
    My second child was born in June, and I felt some of the same feelings
    that you have all described, too.  I imagine this is as natural as the
    feelings that I had before the birth of my first child, along the lines
    of "Oh, my, what have I gotten myself into??"  Remember those feelings?

    Adding a second child to the family was a *lot* less of a change for
    me and my husband than adding the first.  And so far, having a household
    that revolves around 2 small children hasn't seemed all that different
    from revolving around one.  I still never have enough time to get
    everything done, always feel like I need an extra 2 hours of sleep,
    and still thoroughly enjoy my family.  We still have our good days and our
    not-so-good days.

    And I love it every time David comes into the room where Gregory is,
    and the two of them break into gigantic grins with delight at seeing
    each other.  And when I find my husband sitting with both of them,
    reading a Beatrix Potter story to them, both boys totally fascinated.
    And when I check on them both, fast asleep and so peaceful, before I go
    to bed at night.

    To me, it felt like adding a second child was what made us a real family.
    It added that final set of interactions, sibling-to-sibling, that we
    didn't have with just one child.  No, I have no objection to one-child
    families - a two-child family is what we have now, though, and it's
    wonderful!

		cheryl
520.6There's alot of you to go around..SALEM::EDRYWed Nov 28 1990 15:2911
    I think everyone has the same feelings.. I know I did.  My
    daughter is 3 1/2 an her brother was born 11 weeks ago.  At the end
    of my pregnancy I felt so guilty because I was so big an so awkward,
    an I felt as though I was ignoring my daughter.  I still feel that
    way sometimes, but she seems to be taking it so well.  She loves her
    little brother and it is so cute to see the way she mimicks me when she's
    with him. It's amazing how you think you could never love anything as
    much as your first, but then when you have that second one an the
    feelings start all over again.
    
    -Julie