Conference moira::parenting_v3

Jeff,

I'm sorry.

If I understand your situation correctly, you are one of those very special 
people who volunteer for Scouts and the like because they like kids, not 
because their sons or daughters are involved.  This must be very difficult for 
you.

My condolences to Tony's family and to you.  

Clay

    I am sorry. It is always difficult to lose a friend. It's especially
    difficult when the friend is a child and even more so around the
    holidays. And even more so when it may have been prevented.
    
    My Deepest Condolences,
    Kate 
    

    Thanks for the replies.  Of course Tonys' family are the hardest hit in 
    this but are bearing up well.  In fact Tonys' father wants to remain 
    involved in Troop activitities.  That suprises me, Tony was his only
    son. To attend Troop actitities without him I would think would high
    light Tonys' absence to him, but apparently Al (Tonys' Dad) sees the
    Troop as a part of Tony and thus the association makes him feel closer
    to him.  I think this is a healthy way for him to feel. 
    
    The Troop meeting last night was tough. There was a hole (Tony of
    course was not there and never will be again).... we sure felt it.
    
    The Troop is planning on making a hiking trail and planting a tree
    near the Trail in Tonys' honor.  Tony was an avid outdoorsman and loved
    nature.  I think the trail and tree are most appropriate.
    
    I am suprised at the intensity of my feelings over this.  We got 'broad
    sided' with this... right out the blue... a normal healthy kid is dead
    and buried in less than a week.  I just can't believe it.  Seeing his
    body at the Wake was intense... I didn't want to see his body but HAD
    to too... both to be sure with my own eyes that he was in fact dead,
    and to get a last look at him. 
    
    His family, the Troop and I will go on with out lives as we must and
    are supposed to.  But there will be a hole.............
    
    I have a three year on son, Matt.  He is still too young for Scouts and
    he may or may not choose to join Scouting.  That will be up to him, of
    course I would be thrilled, but that is a choice he must make for
    himself. But I will continue with Scouting whether Matt follows along
    or not.
     
    Tony is missed.
    
    Jeff
    
    
    
    

    I'm so sorry, Jeff.  
    
    At times like this it's so easy to forget the friends and
    companions of the youngster who died before his or her time,
    because the family's grief is so much greater.  But that doesn't
    make the grief of the others any less real or less painful.
    
    It sounds like you and your troop are dealing with it in a very
    healthy way.  You have my prayers that the sunshine will soon
    return, and you can smile when you remember him.
    
    But it's so scary to even read about, and think -- that could be
    my kid.  Maybe this accident could have been prevented (and you
    can bet I'll be a lot more careful with my kids now), but the
    neighbor several years ago whose car was hit by a drunk driver
    while she was waiting for the traffic light at the end of our
    street was just a random victim.  
    
    --bonnie

    Thanks for the kind words Bonnie.  For me its not that it scared me
    so much. I am quite aware that we are all a heartbeat away from death
    so it wasn't that it was news to me that this kind of thing happens.
    
    It is quite basic.  This kid is gone, dead and we are dealing with the
    reality of that and missing him.
    
    But, it will renew my efforts toward stressing safety for the others.
    
    Jeff

Hugs to you, Jeff, and to all who knew him.  I am sad, too.

    Carol

    
    5 years ago, I just quit from the swim-club, on 9th May 1985 the
    ceilling in the swimming-hall broke down.
    Out of 12 innocent people, a very special friend of mine died.
    She was such a lovely girl and every time I go swimming I feel her
    so close to me. 
    Your right there is a hole.. this young, hopeful live has just ended
    and it doesn't make sense.
    We can't get them back, but we keep them in mind and in our heart
    for all "our" live!
    
    I feel with you... and feel so sorry for his family
    
    Jeannette

    Thanks for the kind words Jeanette and Carol.  I think the thing about
    a death is that the issue does not go away. It is not a case of the the
    person coming back (in this life anyway) ever. Or fixing the situation
    or any of the psychological defenses one can use to recover from say
    having your house burn down. A new house can be built. Lives can be put
    back together.  But with death one is left with a permanent hole, and
    the faint hope that in another life one may be reunited with the
    person.
    
    I can hardly imagine the agony his parents are going though. The
    thoughts like "if only I hadn't let him go to his friends that night,
    if only I had stressed bike safety to him more, if only I had spent
    more time with him etc. etc. etc."
    
    Then there are the reminders, a footstep which was just like his which
    flashes you that he is home, and reality announces its the Postperson
    delivering the mail.  This type of things goes on for months... years
    in fact.  The pain gets less up front and less acute but its always
    there. 
    
    How to "get over" it.  Go on with your life. Empty the kids room and 
    make it into the XXXX you always needed space for. Cry. Miss the
    person. Put some of the energy for the person into helping others in
    his/her name if not in fact, then in your own mind.
    
    Jeff
    
    but get on with things.
     

    Jeff,
    
    I am sorry.  I too have resently lost a son (normal/healthy/newborn)
    to Sudden Infant Death Syndrone.  It is the hardest thing I have ever
    had to deal with.  And as a parent the most helpfull thing for me
    during this ordeal is the love and support of my family and all of my
    friends and co-workers.  I am glad to hear that Tony's father is
    continuing with his normal activites...that helped me and I have to
    admit that I have found myself going though the steps of living and not
    really feeling...  It will get easier as time goes by.  No-one will
    forget Tony and the special way he has toughed your lives.  For me, I 
    like to know that people have not forgotten my son...even if it hurts
    at the moment when someone says "I thought about Preston today" I know
    that he is alive in our hearts and minds.
    
    I do not know what you as a troop leader have done as far as helping the
    other children understand Tony's death...but I would suggest that you
    read about how to help them deal with their loss.  Tony's death is sure
    to affect alot of people and their pain should be addressed just as
    much as the parents.  With the holidays coming Tony's parents will need 
    support and space to do what they feel is "right" for them even if it
    sounds weird to someone else.  My husband and I are doing a small
    christmas tree to sit on Prestons grave...We just have to do it...for
    us.  We are also going to hang his stocking, 1st christmas orniment and
    light a candle so he will be with us in spirit.  
    
    I think planting the tree in his memory is a wonderful "living" memorial.
    I planted a white rosebush for Preston. 
    
    
    Sorry to be rambling on....
    
    And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me
    and you...I have set my rainbow in the clouds."  Genesis 9:12,13
    
    Please give my sympathys to Tony's parents.  My thoughts and prayers
    are with all of you.
    
    Karen    
      

    Karen, thanks for the nice note. Its tough to know what to do for
    Tonys' family.  I have written them a couple of letters to try and
    express my support.  I am sure they will do what they need to do. 
    I do know Tonys' mother is having a particularly rough time with it.
    But its only been 3 weeks... thats not long.
    
    As far as the other boys in the Troop are concerned, the external signs
    of distress have pretty much vanished.  I hesitate to bring the subject
    up (Tony) unless it is pretty clear that it is appropriate. In the
    Spring it will certainly be appropriate when we plant the tree. 
    But if a boy approached me expressing a need to talk about it, no
    problem, we would do what we could.  That is not to say I am avoiding
    the subject, its just tough to know what the balance should be between
    dwelling on his death vs. moving on.
    
    Jeff