Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I can remember when my oldest sister went off to college.  It was a
    hard concept for me to grasp, because I had no idea about what she was
    doing or what the place looked like.
    
    Perhaps if your daughter showed Steven some of the catalogs and talked
    about college, he'd be more comfortable with the idea, rather than
    feeling that his sister and best friend was going away.  As your
    daughter looks at colleges, would it be possible for Steven to visit,
    to see what the place looks like?  He could even make something for her
    new room (a painting, something made out of clay or paper, etc.).  He
    could write to her, or call her and let her know what's happening. 
    Your daughter could also write to and call Steven...might even send him
    a special tee-shirt or sweatshirt from the bookstore!
    
    He might accept the situation more willingly if he was involved
    somehow.  Perhaps he feels that once she goes away to college, he's
    never going to see her again!
    
    Good luck all around!
    Judi
    
    

    Bonnie:
    
    I can answer this as "the big sister".  My youngest brother is 16 years
    younger than I am and was quite attached to me when it was time for me
    to leave for college.  I found that showing him pictures of the schools
    that I was considering attending helped him alot.
    
    Also, has Kat tried explaining to Steven that she'll still come home
    occassionally and can call/write him ?  This made a big difference to 
    my brother.
    
    Also, I took my brother to visit the college I decided to attend (it
    was only 1 hour from my parent's home).  He also "helped" me to pack
    and helped me move into my dorm room.
    
    I tried to make an effort to phone him and send him letters.  He loved
    receiving mail !
    
    Hope this helps,
    - Terry

    Bonnie,
    
    My roomate in college was in the same situation as Kat. It was tough on
    both of them. I know she used to write to her, call specifically her
    and not bother talking to Mom or Dad at all, she came up and stayed
    with us a couple times, they were planned sibling weekends at our
    college, etc. 
    
    I think getting Steven involved will help ease the process. It's got to
    be difficult for children to understand that the family moves apart
    from each other but that doesn't mean they love each other less - it
    means they are growing up. Since Kat has over a year before she really
    goes, I wouldn't make too much of an issue of it with her. Maybe she
    should start  explaining the whole college process starting with
    having to take SAT's and he'll realize that it is an evolution and a
    process and that she isn't suddenly giving up the family. 
    
    It is difficult to see a close sibling go off to college. My sister was
    only 2 years ahead of me and I missed her terribly when she went. My
    permanant buddy was suddenly gone - who did I have left to complain
    about dieting with!! But I soon realized that she wasn't gone from my
    life, she was just living somewhere else. 
    
    Keep him involved but don't make promises you cannot keep (like saying
    I'll be home on weekends  and have Kat decide to attend a college
    across country). Right now Kat is probalby excited but she's also got
    to have some fears (living alone, making friends, study alot, picking a
    major, etc); maybe she could talk to Steven about those and he'll
    realize that she still needs him to be her buddy despite the fact that
    she will not be living at home - his moral support is more important
    than being there all the time. 
    
    Good luck to Kat in her choices!!
    
    Andrea
               

    
    How about having a discussion with Steven about how it's going to be a
    MUCH bigger change for Kat than for him?  You might also discuss this
    change in his life compared to other (probably more significant)
    transitions he's gone through, such as:  David being added to the
    family; Stephen's starting daycare; Steven's starting "real" school . . .
    
    
    		- Bruce
    

    My special needs son Steven was quite hard hit when each of his
    older brothers left for college. Since he can't write letters
    particularly well, visits and phone calls have been a big help.
    
    We are about to go through it for a third time next fall!
    
    Bonnie

re .5:
    Bonnie,
	Have you thought of having the older kids and Steven correspond with
	cassette tapes?  We got a small tape recorder/player for our son to
	send messages to his grandmother (I have to admit, we still haven't
	gotten around to making a tape yet!), and if your son's speech is
	good, he might enjoy making tapes.  Also, if the older siblings send
	him tapes, he can play them over and over, and it might make him
	feel a little more connected to them.  Just a thought.  I don't know
	how complicated the logistics of sending tapes through the mail are.

							cheryl

    Thanks for the good ideas for after Kat leaves.  Having her make
    tapes sounds especially helpful since she's not too big on
    writing, but likes doing techie kinds of things.  
    
    I thought that helping get him involved in the planning would
    help.  But right now the planning is the problem.  He doesn't like
    to talk about any of this -- when she reassures him that she'll
    come home for visits, or lets him look at catalogs with her, he
    only sees confirmation that she's really leaving.  He'll cry and
    cling and say how he doesn't want to miss her, and who will feed
    the cats if she's not here?  Practical answers so far haven't
    helped much.  
    
    What's worse from Steven's point of view, Kat is glad to be
    leaving.  Whatever mixed feelings she has, she's embracing the
    opportunity and sees nothing but blue skies and challenges to be
    conquered.  Leaving her little brothers is more of a deliverance
    than a pain most of the time.  And while she loves him, she's more
    of a loner and doesn't develop the kind of fierce attachment he
    does, so she's not willing to make a lot of allowances.  
    
    I'm trying to take the approach that this is normal, that a kid
    grows up and WANTS to leave home, go out on her own, stretch her
    wings, and that someday he'll want to leave, too.  But he's not
    buying it.  Sometimes he even seems to act like he thinks that if
    he were a better brother, she wouldn't want to go.  
    
    I dunno . . . maybe it's *me* who needs the advice on how to cope
    with this stage :)
    
    --bonnie

I don't really have any suggestions, but I look on this a little differently, 
and a different perspective might add new approaches.  I think that the issue 
is something more than leaving for college.

I think the wide age gap, with no sibs in between, is the issue.  In fact, 
the problem would be similar, but worse, if Kat were planning a wedding (don't 
panic Bonnie, this is just hypothetical ;^) ).  Then she really WOULD be 
leaving home, some identifiable individual would be "taking" her, and she 
would be even more excited than she is about college -- not only that, but YOU 
would be also.

So perhaps some folks more out there who have dealt with separation -- as a 
parent, as an older sib, or a younger sib -- of two siblings who are far apart 
in age, with no intervening sibs, may have some idea.  

To a nine month old, nine hours of daycare may be "forever".  To a six year 
old, the few weeks or months that Kat will be gone may seem like "forever".
And just as it takes some actual separation -- with the eventual reunion -- to 
get a kid used to daycare, maybe it will take some separtions, with eventual 
reunions, to get Steven used to the concept.

Has Kat ever spent an extended length of time away from home?  As kids get 
into their junior and senior years, there are opportunities for them to spend 
weekends or school vacations away from home.  Perhaps, if the opportunity 
comes for her to spend a school vacation of a trip of some sort, that may help.

My last comment is to avoid minimizing the change.  Particularly if she goes 
to school far away, it IS a big change.  It IS a separation of sorts.  Once my 
sister left for college (even though she was only three years older than me, 
and even though she went nearby, so she was home probably once a month), my 
relationship with her was forever changed.  Not for better or for worse, but 
DIFFERENT.  All changes, even happy ones, are stressful, and Steven (and 
Bonnie) will need some time and space to grieve.  He's just starting it early.

Maybe in September 1992,  Steven will be all set, and there to comfort his Mom! 

Clay