Conference moira::parenting_v3

    My heart goes out to all of you.  (I'm sitting here heaving great
    sighs.)
    
    >>They are thinking of putting him in a special school.
    
    My gut reaction is that the last thing your nephew needs right now is
    another upheaval.  I would guess that he's acting out (consciously or
    sub-) to get attention, to make sure someone, anyone, still cares about
    or notices him.  The teacher may need a little more background on
    what's been happening and will happen in the family, and I think with
    enough cooperation, weathering the current storm of misbehavior at
    school is far preferable to another precipitous change.  I think if he
    were to change schools he might view it as punishment--that's not the
    message your brother wants to give, is it?
    
    Counseling, IMO, is definitely in order...  Possibly your brother could
    broach the subject by saying to his son, "I'm really having a lot of
    trouble thinking about what's happening to our family, and I think I've
    found a friend to talk to.  If you'd like to come..."  (I would just
    try to avoid your nephew concluding that he must be CRAZY if his dad
    thinks he needs a SHRINK.)
    
    I'm sure your nephew is just testing boundaries--but everywhere, since
    everything (school and home environments) is new and scary.  Keep the
    rules simple and consistent, and I would guess that with enough
    communication between school, dad and counseling professionals, the
    bumpy ride should smooth out a couple of months after rejoining his
    dad.
    
    Best of luck.
    
    Leslie

    I agree with counselling, but it should be family counselling, not
    just for the boy.  It's a difficult and traumatic thing to lose
    one's mother -- and it sounds like that's essentially what's
    happening even though she's still alive.  The girl might not be
    causing obvious trouble, but that doesn't mean she's not having
    trouble inside.  And it sounds like your brother hasn't had a lot
    of experience with parenting.
    
    If they're at all religious, their church is liable to be a good
    source of practical programs that go by such names as Family
    Encounter and Parent Effectiveness Training.  I don't know if
    there are secular versions of those courses or not.  
    
    --bonnie

    
    Hi,
    	Boy this sounds familiar.  I'm a foster parent and have had
    about a dozen kids go through my house in the last three years.
    And, both my wife and myself grew up with our parents doing foster
    care so I've been exposed to kids in foster care for around 20 years
    now.  
    	I agree, he may need councelling.  But before all that he needs
    to understand two things.  First he needs to understand that what
    has happened to him IS NOT HIS FAULT! ,... So many kids believe
    that if they had been better or had done something differant things
    wouldn't be the way they are.... they need to know that the events
    that led up to them being put in foster care ( or taken away from
    Mommy ) were not their fault.  Second.  You brother needs to let
    him know he's loved... talk to him, be honest.  I love you and I
    know all this isn't easy but no matter what happens and where things
    go I want you to know I love you.  You need to seperate the events
    from the child.  ( for example - You know, I know you pretty well...
    and I know your a nice kid and a good person... and I also know
    that you know that what you did was wrong so I'm having trouble
    understanding why you would do it?  Talk to me... help me to
    understand. ) You'll be amazed at how honest kids can be.. once
    the dam is open all his fears and heart ache will poor out.
    
    I've had 12 year old kids going on 40 who's mothers were drug
    addicts and prostitues... and I've had nice stable kids from a
    single parent who ended up in the hospital for a long while.
    Kids are basicly the same.  They need that theres nothing they
    can do that could make you not love them or care about what 
    happens to them.... they need guidelines to live by... they
    need you to be consistant.  If you say - if you do such and
    such then such and such will be the punishment you had
    better be ready to back up what you've said.  They'll come
    around once they know the guidelines and know they're loved.  Its
    especially important in this case because the kids could have all
    kinds of info about Dad via Mom or.. the could feel he's partly
    to blame... thats something he's going to have to deal with if thats
    the case.  
    
    All in all... let your brother know that there are people who
    understand what he's going through and it won't be easy.. but
    the return on investment is wonderful... ask any parent.
    
    
    Please send me mail off line if I can be of any help... and
    you seen real concerned and your brother is fortunate he has you.
    Keep being supportive of him... once he's got the kids full time
    give him a little time off now... he's going to need it.  And
    let his kids know how lucky they are to have a Dad that loves
    them so much.
    
    Good luck, Tony
                   
    
    ( PS - I don't know what kinds of problems the Mother has but if
    your brother talks to social services he'll find out that there
    are support groups for kids of alcoholic and drug addict parents
    that are great for them to talk with other kids about whats
    happened.  I have one foster child in one of these programs right
    now ... he's 7.  He loves going... and when they're done they
    can talk about the problems thier parents have and say to you...
    " My Mom is an alcoholic and this is what that means and I had
    nothing to do with it... I had no control over what happened." )
    
    The younger kids deal with these type of things the sooner they're
    back on track and the less chance of they're carrying the problems
    into adulthood.
    
    Tony

    The school has no right to put any child in a special school unless
    the parent approves.  The school needs to right an Individual Education
    Plan (IEP) that calls for the placement, and the parent needs to
    approve the placement before it can occur.
    
    the parent has the right to be in on the drafting of the IEP, and
    the parent is free to reject the IEP.  The parent can also reject
    the IEP and demand an independent evaluation, at the school's expense,
    to get other inputs on the child's needs.  While this is going on,
    the school is required to keep him in his current placement.
    
    When the independent evaluation is done the school will do another
    IEP, and the parent still has the right to sit in on the creation
    of the IEP and can still reject the new IEP.  If that happens, there
    should be a hearing in which a hearing officer will make a binding
    decision on the school.
    
    In this country the educational laws require schools to teach children
    "in the least restrictive environment" that will allow the child
    (in Mass) to achieve his "maximum educational benefit."  Thus, the
    bias of the federal and state laws are for a child to be educated
    in the local public school and in regular classrooms.  Any 
    deviation from this requires the party wanting the deviation to
    prove the child can attain greater benefit from the special placement
    as  opposed to the regular classroom.
    
    The parent must be convinced of this or the parent should reject
    the IEP calling for the special placement.
    
    However, Marlboro is to be congratulated for showing the willingness
    to spend money for a special placement.  Many parents of children
    with special needs are stuck in towns where such an offer would
    probably never occur.  In preparation for reviewing the IEP the parent
    should ask to see the proposed facility, perhaps your brother will
    be pleasantly suprised - it might be a proper placement.
    
    At any rate, it's the parent that has lots of rights in an issue
    like this - to accept or reject proferred placements.
    
    P.S.  According to Mass and federal law, the IEP - defining who
    the child is and what the child's needs are - should be written
    first, before the placement is decidied upon.  It would be good
    to have the school's educators on record as desiring a placement
    before they've done an IEP, since this could be used by the parent
    at the hearing - if it ever comes to that - to show the school was
    not honoring the parent and students procedural safeguards.  In
    general, the Mass and federal laws have lots of safeguards meant
    to protect the child and the parent's wishes and violations of these
    safeguards are often taken as examples of the school being unwilling
    to really do what is best for the child.

    I, too, am a foster parent, however in the state of NH.  On thing that
    every foster child is entitled to in NH is counseling.  Your brother
    can talk with his social worker about his son's problems and he will
    receive the proper therapy.  From what we are told in Foster Parent
    Classes, these kids are almost always placed in therapy to make sure
    they can effectively deal with what is happening to them.
    
    -sandy
    

    I can only restate what has arleady been said - he doesn't need any
    more upheaval in his life; he needs consistency right now. It seems
    like so much has happened over a short period of time that he is only
    lashig out at yet another thing he cannot control. I would seek some
    family counselling - it seems a family issue and getting acquainted
    with each other and understanding the "rules" than him having the only
    problem. 
    
    As for a "special school", I definitely don't think that is the answer.
    I don't see how an "attitude" problem could be resolved in a special
    school (unless you are talking military schools which breed frustrated
    young men who have been under dominance and fear of break rules rather
    than understanding that life functions in a certain way). He may need a
    smaller class room environment to keep his attention thus controlling
    his talking back, etc but any regular school should be able to
    accomodate that. 
    
    Hope it all settles down soon for all of you and this Christmas and New
    Year bring good things to all of you!!! Let us know how things are
    progressing. 
    
    Andrea